Lies Are Building

I don't know if you guys remember or not, but when fiance asked me to marry him the first time, he didn't ask my dad for permission first. This was one thing I asked him to do because I feel it shows respect to my dad to ask for my hand. Fast-forward about 5-6 months and he finally asked my dad Thursday night.

Now, dad has unmedicated and unofficially diagnosed bipolar disorder (type 2) as evidence by my DSM-V book and the fact that a lot of his side of the family has it. I'm talking most everyone has it. Anyway, fiance called my dad telling him he wanted to meet up to talk. Dad immediately called me and flipped the fuck out! Sorry for the bad language, there is a lot of anger in my heart. Yes, I still believe in the L-rd and I'm sure he's not happy with my language but I digress and I'm terribly sorry for the bad words. Anyway, dad told him he could marry me.

Next day, dad called and started yelling at me again. He went on and on while I sat crying silently on the other end. My mom called during my "talk" with him and I called her back when he was done. Mom was so great about calming me down, telling me to ignore dad and just get ready and be happy for the special night with fiance. I proceeded to yell and vent about my entire family being bat shit crazy for another 45 minutes. I know I'm not supposed to call people that are mentally ill crazy, even if I am too, but they are. I don't call others, well I really try not to call others crazy because I know these are things they can't help. But honestly, my family and I really need to get on some meds and get this shit sorted out because I'm sick of having nobody on my side because they are all so consumed in their feelings and they leave and stop talking to people when they get mad at the dumbest things. Dad could have told fiance his true feelings. Instead, he told fiance yes and yelled at me because he regretted that decision.

That night, I had a birthday dinner planned for the fiance. We went to a nice dinner. I had gone dress shopping with his mom so that I could find a really pretty dress to wear for him. I did my hair and make up and I was looking really good. Fiance talked to the staff at the restaurant and planned for them to come and sing happy birthday to him, but instead of just that, he was planning to ask me again to marry him in public.

I said yes and he gave me a new ring because the other one got stolen.

The past few days have consisted of me going home to my parent's house where my dad proceeded to ignore me and refuse to talk to my mom or I. They are now planning to separate in the spring because dad thinks life would be better without us because apparently my brother and I stress him out too much. Fiance and I are fighting because of what he told dad when he went up to talk with him. Fiance thinks it's bullshit that I told him that my dad has been yelling at my mom and I for the past few days when dad told fiance he could ask me to marry him. I think it's bullshit too but what do I do? Fiance says the only time he wants to dump me is when my family is being a pain in he ass and not wanting us to get married. Right now, I don't even really want to get married. I'm over this nonsense.

To make it better, I asked about his "dead" wife. He won't give me any straight answers about when she died or where she is buried and I'm angry that he gets so defensive when I do ask because I think that means he might be lying. I went through his Facebook the other day because it was his birthday and I was just looking at the birthday wished. Then, posts started getting more interesting. He told me he's only had one girlfriend besides his wife and me. When I was going through his page, he kept talking about other girlfriends, like 3-4 by name and others without naming them directly. The girl he also said was dead has been posting on her Facebook page up until the end of November of this year. He told me she's been dead for at least 2-3 years. So, I plan on asking him where she is buried, when she died, and what her last name was. The pictures of her that he showed me look an awful lot like this other girl that I found that is alive. I sent a message to her without any specifics in it yet, to see if she would even be willing to talk to me about him. So, we will see. I tried to talk to him when he was over at my place last night but he told me he just doesn't like talking about it. However, I do better asking him over the phone for some reason, then I can have a paper with all of my questions on it too to help guide me. Then, if he's lying, I plan on sending the ring back in the mail and never talking to him again. Whether I take legal pursuit for the other bad things he's done to me or not will remain unknown for right now. I plan on talking to his other "girlfriends" to see why they broke up with him and what happened in their relationships to see if we may all need to ban together for legal action.

So, that is how I went from happiness to complete and utter disparity and anger in a matter of minutes.

Wedding of a Friend

A friend of mine got married today to a really sweet girl. He is from my Messianic Congregation and I don't know how he met her, but she's been attending the congregation for awhile now too.

I truly hope they have a great life and I pray that their marriage is blessed.

With all the well wishes, I can't help but grieve the dreams of mine that were dashed. Little did I know my life would change so drastically in a year. It was New Year's Day at about 0100 in the morning that I met exboyfriend. I didn't know he would take my first kiss. I didn't know that my world would be shattered. I didn't know that my dreams of any type of a Happily Ever After would go up in flames just a few short months later.

I truly do try to be happy for my friends who get to live in their happy little fairy tales while I am getting beat to death by the reality of the turn my life took because a guy that I was introduced to along the way refused to keep his hands and other appendages to himself. I thought it was bad watching friends get married when I was single. This is so much worse.

I don't believe in fairy tale endings. I am a very grounded person and I have no illusions that married life will be unicorns and rainbows like many of my friends tend to believe. So, why then was this the path that I have to walk? Why is it that I was given this burden? Why is my dream of a simple life burnt to the ground when all I've ever tried to do is be kind and try to follow the L-rd.

I'm slipping from Him lately. It's hard to see His light at the end of the tunnel when there are so many goblins and trolls along my journey to get to Him.

I miss who I used to be. I wish I would have never met him and I wish my life was the way it was a year ago. If it was, I know I could survive. Right now, it's dicey to know if I'll wake up in the morning or not.

Application for Graduation is IN!!!

Folks, I got an email today explaining how to apply for graduation! Yay! I'm almost done with this hell that is nursing school. Right now I'm excited. Someday soon, I will be sad I didn't do more during college.

So, I am conflicted with how to feel.

Therefore, I'll focus on the happiness. I'm nearly done with nursing school and I am on track to finish college with a degree in just a few months. Praise the L-rd for bringing me through all the days I was certain I should drop out.

ALMOST DONE!