Much love,
BedpanAlley
Do you guys remember how excited I was to get into nursing school?
That has not necessarily changes, but it's so much harder than I ever expected. I find myself wondering if I will ever get decent grades again. I find myself questioning if I will even pass the first semester!
It's a terrible cycle I've gotten into. I go to class, maybe work, then I come home to "study." Unfortunately, my brother does not seem to have as much homework, so he turns on the t.v. I inevidably get into the show he is watching because I do my homework in our living room. Next thing I know, it's 10:42 p.m. and I haven't done a thing all day!
I can't seem to focus even without the t.v. on though. Somehow I can start to work or study, but my mind begins to wander. Several hours into my fantasizing, I am again well past bedtime with little to show for my efforts of sitting down to study.
How do you all find ways to focus? Is this meaning that I'm just lazy? Are there ways for me to beat this procrastination/lack of concentration/studying struggle?
Oy, this is frustrating.
Also, my desire for a boyfriend has come back... It's like shingles! I had a mild case of it before (relating my minor desire for a boyfriend to chickenpox here). Now, with all of this stress and undesirable effects and ridiculousness with school and work, it has erupted into a severe, almost life-threatening, case of the shingles (or a stupidly severe case of wanting a boyfriend).
How do I stop this nonsense? Do I need to get some injection that stops estrogen production? Should I start taking testosterone? Is there a way to trick myself into not wanting this type of relationship?
I learned today in basic health assessment that young adults are in a development phase of intimacy vs. isolation. I don't even know what that means but I am quite isolated but I desperately want people, or at least someone, that I can talk to. I want someone to listen to me and be able to understand my weird thought processes. This craving for someone to be able to look at me, hear my random tangent thoughts, and totally understand my whole thought process would be incredible. It doesn't seem like I'm asking for the world, I just want a friend, possibly a boyfriend, who could see all of my crazy and truly not think I'm crazy. Someone to relate to, listen to, laugh with, go shopping with, go shooting/fishing/mudding with, would be a miracle.
However, if this is why I want a boyfriend, is that wrong? I still don't understand marriage, or dating, or flirting for that matter! How do I expect to be able to even handle a relationship. Plus, I have a really hard time talking about feelings because there is no clear cut way to do it, nor is there any rhyme or reason to it. In the past, every time I've talked about relationships with a potential suitor, I get so scared and I shut down because I don't want to hurt their feelings. I hate hurting feelings.
What's wrong with me? How do I enjoy being single? I don't know how to be single! That's ironic because I have NEVER, ever, ever, ever, had a boyfriend. EVER!!! Why do I not know how to be single and enjoy it?
Good news: my head feels slightly better from the other day because I found some words for my confusion. Bad news: since talking this out, I now have an exponentially increased amount of thoughts that are not expressible. If I never post again, it's because I spontaneously combusted from school stress and getting lost in my own thoughts that have no words. Therefore they are not even real thoughts, just stuff in my brain.
Folks, if you're reading this. Please help me!!! I'm losing my mind because all aspects of my life are falling apart.
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