A Nalgene and a Half Later

I got an ultrasound done today. It was unbeknownst to me that one has to have a full bladder for an ultrasound to be done so I showed up after just having gone to the bathroom. Let's back up the story just a little bit, though.

The day started out at one of the hospitals that I work at for a day of playing hookie in order to attend a cardiac conference. Not a bad day! Especially because I did not have to do a careplan the night before or tonight because my instructor didn't feel like grading them! The conference allowed the clinical day to be cut short allowing me to get to my appointment (at the same hospital) early. Score!

We show up and ask to be taken early. They agree to do it. We wait for what must have been about 30 minutes to be taken back into the room, and that brings a whole set of fun question. Oh, and my nursing school buddy came along with me because she wanted to see what an ultrasound was like. She was the third person I explained my full symptoms to and I was not expecting to tell anyone but my mom and my NP.

So we get into the room and the ultrasound tech asks if I'm sexually active. No. She asks if I've gotten a Pap smear. I explain that my NP wouldn't do it so no. She then informs me that she was going to do an internal ultrasound but decided to do an external one because I am a virgin and have not experienced anything that invasive yet. Great.

Then I am asked to lay down so she can see how full my bladder is. It was teensy! I was instructed to drink as much water as I could so I down another Nalgene bottle (32 oz.) and a half in addition to the half Nalgene I had already consumed since last using the restroom. Keep in mind I have not eaten since 0630 and it's rounding on about 1330-1400. Anyway, my friend and I go back to the waiting room and she's drinking water with me to help me fill up my bladder.

Another 30 minutes and about 15 funny videos later, the tech comes back out to check my status and the ultrasound shows that my bladder is full enough! Yay!

So pants are unbuttoned and pulled down to just low enough to expose where my bladder and uterus are. The tech pours some warm jelly on the exposed area and starts pressing right where she needs to not press because I'm fixin' to lose all the urine in my bladder if she presses too hard. Pretty soon my uterus gets pointed out to me and it turns out I hang to the left, just a little bit. Haha, comedic relief is helping me get through this and I was slap happy because I was so nervous and I laughed for a solid 5 minutes at my own joke.

10 minutes of smooshing around above my full, and still filling bladder, and she started zooming in. Measurements were taken of each ovary and some labeling, no big deal. I noticed that one of my ovaries was black while the other was gray. She then went from traditional 2D ultrasound and switched to 3D. I thought nothing of it at the time, but the more I think about it, the more freaked out I get about that. It looked bigger, to me, and she looked through different levels of it with the 3D ultrasound thing. She didn't do that to the other one.

Being an ultrasound tech, she wasn't allowed to diagnose me or share the findings because she has to wait for the MD to look them over and then call my NP and then I may get the results at some point during the course of what feels like 80138474536947 years from now.

In the meantime, I'm trying to limit my panic attacks but that's not going well. I came straight home and peed, for the 3rd time in 30 minutes, and fell asleep on the couch. I don't know why because I got a solid 9 hours of sleep last night because I didn't have to do a careplan. Then I woke up from my map with a panic attack and a realization that she investigated the black ovary but not the gray one.

Boyfriend doesn't know about the ultrasound yet, I want to tell him so badly but I think it needs to be in person and after I get the results. We talked on the phone last night about a bunch of deep stuff and he asked what I would do if we found out that one of us was infertile. It was completely out of the blue and without knowing my fears of cancer/infertility/other scary things that I am experiencing right now. He told me I could think about it for a few day but I didn't need to. I responded saying that I had wanted to maybe adopt a kid or two anyway so we could just do that. He agreed and we moved on to more tough questions. Even after asking what brought him to ask that, he said it was just a though he had had but it was weird to me because I am actually terrified that may be my reality.

I'm struggling.

If I find out I have cancer or I'm infertile, I think I'm going to break up with Boyfriend. That's not fair to him to be stuck with me through that. We've been going out for a few days shy of a month and there's no reason for him to feel like he has to stay with me just because I am sick (if I'm sick) or through my (possible) infertility.

My heart is heavy, my mind is racing, I think I might explode.

I finally told my roommate about my symptoms. She knew I had gone to the doctor's and that they ran the STD panel, UA, CBC, thyroid test, and the ultrasound. But she asked why the did the ultrasound so I had to explain everything to her. I'm getting better about talking about things that normally make me really uncomfortable. That's likely, largely helped by Boyfriend helping me to discuss stuff I wouldn't mention before. You know, feelings, kissing, sex, marriage, etc. So Roommate knows and I've been freaking out to her a little bit but I hold off a lot because I don't want to bother her or my other nursing school buddy that I told about it with my problems and irrational fears.

I'm going to bed. Pray with me if you think about it.

Labs Came Back

Do y'all remember how I told you I got my blood drawn (twice) when I went to the nurse practitioner (NP) the other day? They finally called back and told me everything was normal. That means:

I have no STD's... DUH!!! I pretty much told the NP that but she didn't believe me.
My thyroid is okay.
They said nothing about me being anemic but I would like copies of all my labs so that I can look over my CBC and whatever else she ordered for myself. Yay for nursing school teaching me what labs mean!

Meanwhile, we have no leads of what is wrong with me so I am going to an ultrasound tomorrow afternoon, after clinicals, to see if they can find anything.

I might inform you guys of my symptoms at a later date but I've only told my mom, NP, and one friend who we share darn near everything with each other and normally I wouldn't even tell my mom let alone anyone else! I'm just that private, sorry. However, I am working on sharing more with more people. I will tell you, however, I am legitimately concerned I have cancer because we had a family friend who had many of the same symptoms and she had breast cancer. I have no lumps, but I'm still very concerned.

I told Boyfriend, before I went to the NP, that I thought I had cancer and he just laughed and hugged me. Awww! I think he'll do just fine and I actually felt comforted. My mom had already received the call of me crying without her knowing it, though, about a week or two before I told him because I really wasn't going to tell him unless they found something. There must be something wrong with my filter though, because it just spilled out. I didn't tell him why I was going, but just that I thought I had cancer. He's great, and getting even better, at talking me down from freaking out.

So I went to the doctor...

I went to the doctor today, except it was actually the nurse practitioner because I was hoping for some nursey care instead of another experience with a doctor (I haven't had good experiences with them in the past). Anyway, it was dumb. I have been having some weird symptoms but I highlighted nausea and dizziness for the past year as well as increased shedding lately. She was in the room for a solid 5 minutes and left to go write up her orders for me. However, in those few moments she was present in the room she asked if I was sexually active a few times. When I told her no she moved on briefly and then asked: "are you sure you haven't been messing around? No sex?" Oh my gosh! Lady, it's not like people trip and end up with a penis in their vagina!!! I know that I have not had sex! I am absolutely positive! What more do you want from me?!

Anyway, she ordered a CBC, thyroid blood test, pregnancy test, and a full STD panel because she obviously still does not believe that a 20 year old could have their "V card". I just lost my hand-holding and kissing virginity, the sex virginity card is not going to be given to anyone but my husband and not until we have a wedding. That is a certain, guaranteed fact of my life. I was struggling with the kissing, but there is not wavering in my mind about sex. No. No. No. No. NO!

Also, she wouldn't do my well-woman exam because I'm not 21 yet. I have a freakin' month until I turn 21, it's not like the day before my birthday I'll be fine and then BAM! I suddenly get cervical cancer the day after my birthday so they miss it for a whole year or two until I go get another one. Well, let's be real, I've lasted about 8-10 years without a doctor appointment so far and I would probably last another decade or two before I ever go back after this whole fiasco gets finished up in another MONTH AND A HALF.

Moral of the story: going to the doctor accomplishes nothing for me except raising my blood pressure, causing me anxiety, making my hypochondria flare up, getting me thoroughly frustrated and my blood drawn.

Oh my gosh, I had to get my blood drawn twice today! My insurance company sent me a biometric screening kit and so they needed some blood. They told me to go to my doctor. Okay, fine. I take the kit to the doctor/NP office and they tell me they don't do that there. The NP orders blood to be drawn and sends me downstairs to the lab where they actually do draw blood. They won't draw it for me either! So I have to drive across town to the hospital I work at because they are actually able to do the stupid blood draw and they were for the same exact tests my NP had already ordered. *facepalm* The sheet even said I could have the doctor send in results from any labs they had ordered. Does she do that? No. So I look like a drug addict today because both of my arms were tapped for my two seperate 30 second blood draws that could not be done together for some odd reason.


Well, that's the end of my rant. I need to go take my anxiety meds and try to get some sleep by avoiding thinking about lying to my NP about drinking and depression...

Life Update

Man alive my life has been crazy busy lately! So, let's hit a few highlights.

1. Boyfriend finally signed on his house after having to be postponed weekly for about 2-3 months. So I went out to help him clean and paint but I didn't really help him, I just talked while he worked.
2. My med/surg clinicals are going okay. I failed a careplan because I didn't do my care map... ugh! That clinical day was ridiculous. I made careplans for 2 patients and I lost both by 1100 that day. So ridiculous! I lost one because the primary RN for that patient was being a preceptor for a new nurse and couldn't handle 2 students on top of that, which I understand. Then I lost the other one because he got discharged. So then I get to do two extra care maps on two brand new patients and I get to pass meds that I have no idea what they do because I didn't do a full caremap/medication chart for them. There were more frustrating things and I went through the entire day fully flustered, but I can't remember them right now because I have tried to block that day from my memory.
3. Roommate may/may not be upset with me. Between my long day of classes (8-4:30) on Tuesday, my late nights at the hospital doing careplans on Wednesdays (noon-6ish and then up until midnight to finish them), and my clinicals Thursday/Friday, I hardly see her anymore! Then she goes to her mom's on the weekends and I hang out with Boyfriend when she's gone. I sure hope I didn't upset her, and I try to invite her to stuff when Boyfriend and I do stuff or sometimes I invite her to stuff with her and I and maybe some other buddies of ours (without Boyfriend) but our friendship just feels a little on the rocks. I've asked her if it makes her uncomfortable when he's here but she says it's okay. I don't know, I miss her though!
4. Brother got a new job!... at a hookah place. Mom knows about it, dad doesn't know where he works, he just knows that Brother got a new job. So that might be a fun conversation to watch! Knowing Brother though, it probably won't be much of show because Mom didn't get upset with him when he told her he was smoking pot and none of his big news that it supposed to produce entertainment for me does! It's a real bummer!
5. Dad also got a new job! He had been self-employed for 20-25 years and he's been struggling with that for a very long time. He showed up at his buddy's place of employment one day to talk to the boss and he was hired right away! His buddy had been talking him up for months and the boss believed him so much that he didn't even require training for Dad, he just put him in a truck and let him go! Dad is so excited and happy all the time, I don't know that I've ever seen him so excited for anything. Plus, all of the ladies in the office and his fellow employees love him and think he is just the coolest thing since sliced bread and he has exceeded their expectations from what his buddy told them. That is hard to do ever, but especially in trucking! He now gets benefits, over-time, a regular paycheck that he doesn't have to track people down to get paid, and he's not so hard on his body as he was when he was a welder/fabricator/mechanic. I'm just as happy as a pig in mud about that! And he is too!
6. Dad gets two bullet points because G-d has answered so many prayers about him for me. It's taken years of praying, like, since I was a little kid and learned to pray. He's quit smoking, started working on his marriage with my mom, he got a job, he's happier, and he's understanding the beauty of Sabbath. My heart is just so full it could burst!
7. Mom called me and told me dad was acting weird. He had gone out to a fast food place and had to go in because they don't have a drive-through. Dad doesn't go to fast food without a drive through because he does not like talking to people and he feels like he's being stared at and judged (which I fully understand), because it's part of social phobia (which I have, which is why I understand). Anyway, he went in and called Mom to see if she wanted anything. That doesn't happen either! They've both been in a marriage but acting independently for several years. They were married at the end of the month that I was born, about three weeks after I entered the world, and they did the whole co-dependent marriage relationship thing for awhile. Then, slowly, they started doing their own laundry, sometimes making their own supper at night, etc. They are still married, still live together, still share the same bed, but they were not fully a team. So the fact that dad asked if he could bring her something home was a big deal because that had not been done in several years. So she explained all this to me and then said he had done dishes for her (also not done in a long time) and he was calling just to see how she was doing, etc. I laughed because to me, it sounded like he was doing the Love Dare from the movie Fireproof. The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that he may be doing it or at least just trying to be sweeter to her. She told me she had been a little ornery to him and I told her to be nice because I thought he was doing the Love Dare and that I had prayed for them to get closer in their marriage for a long time. I think she may have started crying because her voice changed like it does when she cries (she cries when she's happy, sad, confused, at dog commercials, EVERYTHING!). That was all a few weeks ago. As far as I know, their communication is increasing/improving and they are both being nicer to each other and hopefully getting closer with each other. Another reason my heart is getting fuller and fixin' to burst!
8. All the nursing stuff I though I lost through my semester of Mental Health is not lost at all! I am really loving med/surg because I am understanding things that were difficult before and I feel like an actual nurse! I keep impressing my clinical instructor, when she least expects it, and I'm able to shout out answers in lab that nobody else knows because I seem to be decent at this nursing thing! Even nursing for adults!!!

Big News!

So, New Fella has a new name... Boyfriend. Yep, he went and met my parents and we made it official. He was fan-girling the whole first 45 minutes on our ride home from the Parent's and could not stop talking about my dad! Seriously, I am quite convinced that if I weren't here he would have been asking my dad out instead of me. Haha, I told my dad about that and his first response was "well, I just got a hair cut so I'm pertier than I was when I med him (previous day)!"

Then I kissed him Saturday...

I told him I was going to wait until my wedding day. He was concerned about that but he agreed to wait. Then we were on our "Valentine's Day" date a week early this past Saturday and I don't know how it happened but I kissed him. You guys know how gung-ho I was about waiting until marriage for kissing, but I already messed it up. The sex thing will definitely be waiting for marriage and he absolutely agreed to that, but I did tell him I was thinking about changing my kissing policy so he was better okay with that. I had a couple shots the night before and told him that if he was there I would have probably kissed him then but he told me he wouldn't have let me because he wanted me sober for my very first kiss. So, it is what it is and I'm hoping that if current Boyfriend is not my future husband that my future husband won't be too disappointed because I already feel a little guilty. But I also feel bad for not being completely upset about already kissing Boyfriend... It's quite a conundrum.