So, New Fella has a new name... Boyfriend. Yep, he went and met my parents and we made it official. He was fan-girling the whole first 45 minutes on our ride home from the Parent's and could not stop talking about my dad! Seriously, I am quite convinced that if I weren't here he would have been asking my dad out instead of me. Haha, I told my dad about that and his first response was "well, I just got a hair cut so I'm pertier than I was when I med him (previous day)!"
Then I kissed him Saturday...
I told him I was going to wait until my wedding day. He was concerned about that but he agreed to wait. Then we were on our "Valentine's Day" date a week early this past Saturday and I don't know how it happened but I kissed him. You guys know how gung-ho I was about waiting until marriage for kissing, but I already messed it up. The sex thing will definitely be waiting for marriage and he absolutely agreed to that, but I did tell him I was thinking about changing my kissing policy so he was better okay with that. I had a couple shots the night before and told him that if he was there I would have probably kissed him then but he told me he wouldn't have let me because he wanted me sober for my very first kiss. So, it is what it is and I'm hoping that if current Boyfriend is not my future husband that my future husband won't be too disappointed because I already feel a little guilty. But I also feel bad for not being completely upset about already kissing Boyfriend... It's quite a conundrum.
Showing posts with label Haven't Even Kissed. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Haven't Even Kissed. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Sunday, December 14, 2014
Confessions of a College Prude, Part 2
Lately, in my life, there has been an abundance of sex talk. It's getting on my nerves, to be honest because nobody is discussing the desire to refrain from it but merely rumors and desires to take part in it.
There have been stories of people losing their virginity in middle school. Many conversations about "numbers" (the amount of people individuals have slept with. Some people have begun describing in vivid detail certain acts or positions. Still others discuss their sadness that they have not yet given themselves entirely over to another person in that way. Most of these conversations were cut short on my end because I proceeded to plug my ears and began humming in order to drown out the information being presented.
I don't want to know the details of acts, or numbers, or anything else that I do not need to know about sex! In my book, I need to know that: 1) it's how you get babies, STD's, funky rashes, and other various conditions that one may find themselves in that require medical treatment, 2) there are psychological and emotional scars that can develop, 3) THAT I DO NOT NEED TO BE PARTAKING IN THESE ACTIONS UNTIL I AM MARRIED!!! That is it! All other information simply chips away at my dwindling innocence and causes me to have nightmares and panic attacks (on a regular basis).
My dating/marriage rules are strict, I understand that. However, those rules only apply to myself, I do not expect anyone else to follow them. If they don't follow them, I simply ask that all conversations about sex be held until I am out of hearing range. People cease cussing due to simple requests, is it too much to ask that inappropriate talk be held too?
It was brought to my attention that one of my friends is not pleased with the amount of physical contact they have had with the opposite gender. This conversation was light and was mostly about kissing and holding hands which are both okay for me to discuss with people because those are "normal" dating practices that are mostly started when dating anybody (with me and maybe a handful of others in the exception). When talking about these things, though, most people don't realize that I abstain from these little gestures as well. This may have a large part to do with my tongue ring, which I have been informed is used for unsavory acts of the sexual nature (things that I do not partake in). So people begin talking about these things and they haven't known me long enough to know that I am saving hand holding for my engagement, or kissing and beyond for when I am married.
Bringing this up with other people has proven slightly foolish in my experience because my closest friends and mentors all advise me to not wait for these things. I was encouraged and told that "it would be highly unlikely for me to be in a relationship with someone I really liked without kissing them." Yes, it will be hard, but that doesn't mean that it is bad. I am not forcing these rules on anyone else and I understand that if G-d sends along someone who I really like and who really likes me, there will be a pull for physical contact like kissing and hand-holding. However, by saving these little gestures, it's not going to cause any harm to me or my beloved. We won't get an STD or become pregnant before marriage, we won't become ill or suffer any psychological issues by waiting either. Why, then, is everyone counseling me to just go ahead a kiss whatever guy comes along? Why are they encouraging me to date, just to get the first one out of the way? I "tried" that, it was one of the biggest regrets of my life because I don't want to date just anybody, I wanted to wait until it seemed like the L-rd was guiding us both into the relationship instead of me getting talked into it by someone who had put me up on an unrealistic, unhealthy pedestal.
Seriously, the most waiting could do is make me become a cat lady. Which would make my death folder come in mighty handy because I am allergic to cats and they would likely suffocate me in my sleep.
You know what makes me the most sad? I feel embarrassed discussing these things with people because I have gotten such negative reactions from them so far. Some of my friends have decided they are going to take me to a bar, try to get me drunk, and then attempt to talk guys into making out with me. There are so many holes in that plan, but it bugs me that my closest friends can't just leave me be. It's not they are intervening for self-destructive behavior, they are attempting to make me do things that I don't want to do but that aren't causing harm to anyone. My mentors have continuously told me that it is okay to kiss boys and I shouldn't go any farther than I am comfortable with, but that lines should be past the hand-holding/kissing/cuddling things to really only prevent "real sex" from occurring until marriage. It's almost like skinny shaming where people tell thin people to go eat a hamburger or gain some weight even though the person is not anorexic or bolimic or anything else unhealthy.
I want another chance with this kid. I want to explain that while many people lose their virginity or hold a lot of emphasis on getting to a certain point in their physical relationship, that is not the general consensus among everyone. Yes, it may seem like everyone is sleeping around and has done more than you, but that's just because the people that hold-off are either not talking about not doing anything or they are getting drowned out by the people with the crazy hook-up stories. I just want to explain that this tongue ring was an attempt to not go back down my self-harm path that I have a history of. I want to explain why I am choosing to not kiss or hold hands right now. I want to explain that I am in the minority, but I CHOSE to be in the minority and it's not as small of a group as it may seem. Oh I pray I get the chance and I pray that this person is receptive!
There have been stories of people losing their virginity in middle school. Many conversations about "numbers" (the amount of people individuals have slept with. Some people have begun describing in vivid detail certain acts or positions. Still others discuss their sadness that they have not yet given themselves entirely over to another person in that way. Most of these conversations were cut short on my end because I proceeded to plug my ears and began humming in order to drown out the information being presented.
I don't want to know the details of acts, or numbers, or anything else that I do not need to know about sex! In my book, I need to know that: 1) it's how you get babies, STD's, funky rashes, and other various conditions that one may find themselves in that require medical treatment, 2) there are psychological and emotional scars that can develop, 3) THAT I DO NOT NEED TO BE PARTAKING IN THESE ACTIONS UNTIL I AM MARRIED!!! That is it! All other information simply chips away at my dwindling innocence and causes me to have nightmares and panic attacks (on a regular basis).
My dating/marriage rules are strict, I understand that. However, those rules only apply to myself, I do not expect anyone else to follow them. If they don't follow them, I simply ask that all conversations about sex be held until I am out of hearing range. People cease cussing due to simple requests, is it too much to ask that inappropriate talk be held too?
It was brought to my attention that one of my friends is not pleased with the amount of physical contact they have had with the opposite gender. This conversation was light and was mostly about kissing and holding hands which are both okay for me to discuss with people because those are "normal" dating practices that are mostly started when dating anybody (with me and maybe a handful of others in the exception). When talking about these things, though, most people don't realize that I abstain from these little gestures as well. This may have a large part to do with my tongue ring, which I have been informed is used for unsavory acts of the sexual nature (things that I do not partake in). So people begin talking about these things and they haven't known me long enough to know that I am saving hand holding for my engagement, or kissing and beyond for when I am married.
Bringing this up with other people has proven slightly foolish in my experience because my closest friends and mentors all advise me to not wait for these things. I was encouraged and told that "it would be highly unlikely for me to be in a relationship with someone I really liked without kissing them." Yes, it will be hard, but that doesn't mean that it is bad. I am not forcing these rules on anyone else and I understand that if G-d sends along someone who I really like and who really likes me, there will be a pull for physical contact like kissing and hand-holding. However, by saving these little gestures, it's not going to cause any harm to me or my beloved. We won't get an STD or become pregnant before marriage, we won't become ill or suffer any psychological issues by waiting either. Why, then, is everyone counseling me to just go ahead a kiss whatever guy comes along? Why are they encouraging me to date, just to get the first one out of the way? I "tried" that, it was one of the biggest regrets of my life because I don't want to date just anybody, I wanted to wait until it seemed like the L-rd was guiding us both into the relationship instead of me getting talked into it by someone who had put me up on an unrealistic, unhealthy pedestal.
Seriously, the most waiting could do is make me become a cat lady. Which would make my death folder come in mighty handy because I am allergic to cats and they would likely suffocate me in my sleep.
You know what makes me the most sad? I feel embarrassed discussing these things with people because I have gotten such negative reactions from them so far. Some of my friends have decided they are going to take me to a bar, try to get me drunk, and then attempt to talk guys into making out with me. There are so many holes in that plan, but it bugs me that my closest friends can't just leave me be. It's not they are intervening for self-destructive behavior, they are attempting to make me do things that I don't want to do but that aren't causing harm to anyone. My mentors have continuously told me that it is okay to kiss boys and I shouldn't go any farther than I am comfortable with, but that lines should be past the hand-holding/kissing/cuddling things to really only prevent "real sex" from occurring until marriage. It's almost like skinny shaming where people tell thin people to go eat a hamburger or gain some weight even though the person is not anorexic or bolimic or anything else unhealthy.
I want another chance with this kid. I want to explain that while many people lose their virginity or hold a lot of emphasis on getting to a certain point in their physical relationship, that is not the general consensus among everyone. Yes, it may seem like everyone is sleeping around and has done more than you, but that's just because the people that hold-off are either not talking about not doing anything or they are getting drowned out by the people with the crazy hook-up stories. I just want to explain that this tongue ring was an attempt to not go back down my self-harm path that I have a history of. I want to explain why I am choosing to not kiss or hold hands right now. I want to explain that I am in the minority, but I CHOSE to be in the minority and it's not as small of a group as it may seem. Oh I pray I get the chance and I pray that this person is receptive!
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Shiftin' Gears
I'm going to start with a confession. Several really, but the main one is that I like to shift really fast in my manual car when I am stressed. For some reason it helps me blow off some steam. I don't go fast enough that I get a "fast driving award" (my uncle's name for a speeding ticket), I just shift faster than all of the automatic cars next to me and I feel like a boss!
So, coming home from my parent's house yesterday, I was frustrated because I had been on the highway for about an hour in traffic, then I got stuck behind some joker who decided to go 10 mph under the speed limit and then just had to get off on MY exit. Yes, I know how selfish and irrational that is, but don't tell me you don't have them thoughts too! Anywho, we were then both turning left. Fortunately, there were two separate turning lanes. I get past them just to meet them again at another red light. L-rd, what are you doing to me? I'm just trying to get home so that I can change to get to church on time!!! As my blood started boiling at this silly red light, I crank up the tunes and get ready for green. When that green light came I was first through the intersection until some little blue car that looked like it was actually supposed to be able to go that fast passed me up. We were so far in front of anyone else that it didn't matter anymore and so I got up to speed and just kept driving as normal. Awhile later I needed into the lane they were in. I noticed that they slowed from their racing pace and the passenger was waving out of the moon roof. I figured they were waving at the car next to them, so I didn't think anything of it when they stuck their arm out the window and brought it back in about 4 times. When I got to my turn off, they slowed their car, got next to mine and rolled down the passenger window! Oh my gosh! I don't know what they were doing, but they were some cute guys and I'm hopin' they were surprised that it was a girl in a redneck lookin' SUV shiftin' as smooth and as quick as I was. I don't know about flirting in any capacity, but they way that guy was lookin' at me, I'm thinkin' he may have been flirt-waving at me... They may have also been waving at me because they beat me. I don't know.
Anyway, I am hoping it was the first reason because it made me feel pretty darn cool that my little car almost beat their actual racing car and then they realized that I'm a girl. I didn't wave back because I was so shocked, but I gave the guy riding shotgun a bit of a smile.
I can't believe I almost forgot to tell y'all that story!
Another confession is that it made me feel pretty good after my break up. This whole relationship has made me feel so unstable. I knew I have chronic depression, severe anxiety, and possibly some other psychological problems and I knew that that was something I would need to work on before I ever started anything with anyone, regardless of how well they knew me beforehand. Along with everything else that I ignored about a month and a half ago, I ignored that. So, when I was strapped into this roller-coaster with another human, I realized how nuts I actually am instead of being able to down-play it the way I normally do. Now that we've broken up, and even during our time "together," I was wondering if I would ever be able to have an actual relationship that leads to a marriage and the rest of my life spent with someone. I still don't know if that is possible, but I am still highly unnerved because I learned so much about myself and it's not good stuff. I never realized how selfish, unstable, weird, nerdy, selfish, quirky, difficult, selfish, lonely, independent, selfish, judgmental, hypocritical, selfish, and ridiculous I am. Yes, I threw selfish in there several times, but even that is a conservative estimate of how selfish I actually am. Those are also just the easy examples that come to mind right now, there is a laundry list of thousands of terrible personality traits I discovered about myself. It's been a rough month and a half. Good news, though, I was wondering if G-d had been telling me to get rid of my kissing policy, turns out He hasn't. So, I am so glad that I didn't do that in this relationship. He was just being quite to see what I would do... I don't like it when He does that...
So, coming home from my parent's house yesterday, I was frustrated because I had been on the highway for about an hour in traffic, then I got stuck behind some joker who decided to go 10 mph under the speed limit and then just had to get off on MY exit. Yes, I know how selfish and irrational that is, but don't tell me you don't have them thoughts too! Anywho, we were then both turning left. Fortunately, there were two separate turning lanes. I get past them just to meet them again at another red light. L-rd, what are you doing to me? I'm just trying to get home so that I can change to get to church on time!!! As my blood started boiling at this silly red light, I crank up the tunes and get ready for green. When that green light came I was first through the intersection until some little blue car that looked like it was actually supposed to be able to go that fast passed me up. We were so far in front of anyone else that it didn't matter anymore and so I got up to speed and just kept driving as normal. Awhile later I needed into the lane they were in. I noticed that they slowed from their racing pace and the passenger was waving out of the moon roof. I figured they were waving at the car next to them, so I didn't think anything of it when they stuck their arm out the window and brought it back in about 4 times. When I got to my turn off, they slowed their car, got next to mine and rolled down the passenger window! Oh my gosh! I don't know what they were doing, but they were some cute guys and I'm hopin' they were surprised that it was a girl in a redneck lookin' SUV shiftin' as smooth and as quick as I was. I don't know about flirting in any capacity, but they way that guy was lookin' at me, I'm thinkin' he may have been flirt-waving at me... They may have also been waving at me because they beat me. I don't know.
Anyway, I am hoping it was the first reason because it made me feel pretty darn cool that my little car almost beat their actual racing car and then they realized that I'm a girl. I didn't wave back because I was so shocked, but I gave the guy riding shotgun a bit of a smile.
I can't believe I almost forgot to tell y'all that story!
Another confession is that it made me feel pretty good after my break up. This whole relationship has made me feel so unstable. I knew I have chronic depression, severe anxiety, and possibly some other psychological problems and I knew that that was something I would need to work on before I ever started anything with anyone, regardless of how well they knew me beforehand. Along with everything else that I ignored about a month and a half ago, I ignored that. So, when I was strapped into this roller-coaster with another human, I realized how nuts I actually am instead of being able to down-play it the way I normally do. Now that we've broken up, and even during our time "together," I was wondering if I would ever be able to have an actual relationship that leads to a marriage and the rest of my life spent with someone. I still don't know if that is possible, but I am still highly unnerved because I learned so much about myself and it's not good stuff. I never realized how selfish, unstable, weird, nerdy, selfish, quirky, difficult, selfish, lonely, independent, selfish, judgmental, hypocritical, selfish, and ridiculous I am. Yes, I threw selfish in there several times, but even that is a conservative estimate of how selfish I actually am. Those are also just the easy examples that come to mind right now, there is a laundry list of thousands of terrible personality traits I discovered about myself. It's been a rough month and a half. Good news, though, I was wondering if G-d had been telling me to get rid of my kissing policy, turns out He hasn't. So, I am so glad that I didn't do that in this relationship. He was just being quite to see what I would do... I don't like it when He does that...
Monday, August 26, 2013
First Day of Nursing School: Successful and Complete!
Last night was stressful, I tell ya. Let me give you some background into my anxiety about today's scheduling...
Yesterday, on my way home from my CNA job, I remembered that I have a new nursing student orientation meeting today after my first/only class of the day. This would not be a problem if I did not have to be at my on-campus IT job 10 minutes after my class lets out. Anyway, I emailed my boss yesterday (Sunday) to ask him if it would be okay if I went to the meeting and I apologized up and down for not telling him sooner but I totally expected him to be upset or give me a guilt trip or something. Instead, I got the nicest email saying that I could go ahead and stay at the meeting and just come into work as soon as it was possible after the meeting! After so many bosses give me guilt trips and everything for stupid things that aren't even my fault, it is so nice to have a boss be okay with my school schedule. I love my new IT job by the way. I sit in the library and monitor the tons of printers we have to make sure that they have toner and paper, but it is all monitored through the computer. So, I don't have to leave the help desk unless something is wrong or if a student/person needs some help. With all of that down time, I have the freedom and opportunity to study or do anything else I need to do during that time, all the while getting paid nearly as much (78 cents less, to be exact) as my high stress, high demand, back-breaking, and mentally taxing CNA job with the geriatric population. How crazy is that?! Plus, I learned that my boss' wife is a NICU nurse at a local hospital. She works on the level III NICU floor (which I don't think I can handle) and I want to be a NICU nurse before getting my Midwife certification.
Anywho, today worked out just fine. I got to go to the nursing school meeting and work went well. My first day is completed and it was a success. My brother also had a good first day and we kinda almost have this carpooling schedule down, or close to coordinated. I'm praying that this week continues to go well and that nursing school is more fun than I am imagining it will be. I am also praying for better grades than the professors make it seem like we will be able to receive... Everything is in the L-rd's hands and I have to trust Him to make me a nurse or lead me down whatever path He has chosen for me. That's scary, but totally necessary.
Random thought: I recently bought some new music as a treat for working 3 doubles, a single, and picking up an additional single (in which I filled the role of 3 CNA's for a couple hours and fought back nasty, nasty anger at the situation) in one week. Getting back from that sidetrack, however, I found a new song that kinda got me thinking. Does it ever seem like G-d is giving you messages through music, friends, common occurrences, etc? This song felt like one of G-d's messages. The song is "Haven't Even Kissed" by Moriah Peters. I like her music, it's fun and filled with messages about G-d. This song, in particular, is one that resonated with me because of my few months of guy "troubles". They probably aren't really troubles, but my mind is perceiving these experiences as negative. So, the song gives me hope and calms my bitter, self-pity because self-pity is a slap in the face to G-d. When we have our pity parties, we might as well tell G-d that we don't believe that He holds our past, present, and future. It is us throwing a fit and convincing ourselves that we somehow deserve more just because we are spoiled brats who are used to getting everything we want or at least hoping to get everything we have ever wanted. How lame is that?! It's awful! Every good thing in our lives comes from the L-rd and we have the audacity to tell G-d that He isn't providing what we want when we want it so our life is not good. I'm sure it even gets worse than that most days. Moral of the story, listen to the song or read the lyrics. If you're like me in my radical dating boundaries, then perhaps it will give you hope and snap you out of any wedding cycle (my made up word, look up my post "Return of My Cynicism" or click the label to take you to the post for the background to this made-up problem) like ruts you may find yourselves in, it certainly helped me a bit.
Daily Thanksgiving: I started legit nursing school today and it was a success! My new boss is super chill and my job is even relaxing compared to being a CNA.
Yesterday, on my way home from my CNA job, I remembered that I have a new nursing student orientation meeting today after my first/only class of the day. This would not be a problem if I did not have to be at my on-campus IT job 10 minutes after my class lets out. Anyway, I emailed my boss yesterday (Sunday) to ask him if it would be okay if I went to the meeting and I apologized up and down for not telling him sooner but I totally expected him to be upset or give me a guilt trip or something. Instead, I got the nicest email saying that I could go ahead and stay at the meeting and just come into work as soon as it was possible after the meeting! After so many bosses give me guilt trips and everything for stupid things that aren't even my fault, it is so nice to have a boss be okay with my school schedule. I love my new IT job by the way. I sit in the library and monitor the tons of printers we have to make sure that they have toner and paper, but it is all monitored through the computer. So, I don't have to leave the help desk unless something is wrong or if a student/person needs some help. With all of that down time, I have the freedom and opportunity to study or do anything else I need to do during that time, all the while getting paid nearly as much (78 cents less, to be exact) as my high stress, high demand, back-breaking, and mentally taxing CNA job with the geriatric population. How crazy is that?! Plus, I learned that my boss' wife is a NICU nurse at a local hospital. She works on the level III NICU floor (which I don't think I can handle) and I want to be a NICU nurse before getting my Midwife certification.
Anywho, today worked out just fine. I got to go to the nursing school meeting and work went well. My first day is completed and it was a success. My brother also had a good first day and we kinda almost have this carpooling schedule down, or close to coordinated. I'm praying that this week continues to go well and that nursing school is more fun than I am imagining it will be. I am also praying for better grades than the professors make it seem like we will be able to receive... Everything is in the L-rd's hands and I have to trust Him to make me a nurse or lead me down whatever path He has chosen for me. That's scary, but totally necessary.
Random thought: I recently bought some new music as a treat for working 3 doubles, a single, and picking up an additional single (in which I filled the role of 3 CNA's for a couple hours and fought back nasty, nasty anger at the situation) in one week. Getting back from that sidetrack, however, I found a new song that kinda got me thinking. Does it ever seem like G-d is giving you messages through music, friends, common occurrences, etc? This song felt like one of G-d's messages. The song is "Haven't Even Kissed" by Moriah Peters. I like her music, it's fun and filled with messages about G-d. This song, in particular, is one that resonated with me because of my few months of guy "troubles". They probably aren't really troubles, but my mind is perceiving these experiences as negative. So, the song gives me hope and calms my bitter, self-pity because self-pity is a slap in the face to G-d. When we have our pity parties, we might as well tell G-d that we don't believe that He holds our past, present, and future. It is us throwing a fit and convincing ourselves that we somehow deserve more just because we are spoiled brats who are used to getting everything we want or at least hoping to get everything we have ever wanted. How lame is that?! It's awful! Every good thing in our lives comes from the L-rd and we have the audacity to tell G-d that He isn't providing what we want when we want it so our life is not good. I'm sure it even gets worse than that most days. Moral of the story, listen to the song or read the lyrics. If you're like me in my radical dating boundaries, then perhaps it will give you hope and snap you out of any wedding cycle (my made up word, look up my post "Return of My Cynicism" or click the label to take you to the post for the background to this made-up problem) like ruts you may find yourselves in, it certainly helped me a bit.
Daily Thanksgiving: I started legit nursing school today and it was a success! My new boss is super chill and my job is even relaxing compared to being a CNA.
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