I got an ultrasound done today. It was unbeknownst to me that one has to have a full bladder for an ultrasound to be done so I showed up after just having gone to the bathroom. Let's back up the story just a little bit, though.
The day started out at one of the hospitals that I work at for a day of playing hookie in order to attend a cardiac conference. Not a bad day! Especially because I did not have to do a careplan the night before or tonight because my instructor didn't feel like grading them! The conference allowed the clinical day to be cut short allowing me to get to my appointment (at the same hospital) early. Score!
We show up and ask to be taken early. They agree to do it. We wait for what must have been about 30 minutes to be taken back into the room, and that brings a whole set of fun question. Oh, and my nursing school buddy came along with me because she wanted to see what an ultrasound was like. She was the third person I explained my full symptoms to and I was not expecting to tell anyone but my mom and my NP.
So we get into the room and the ultrasound tech asks if I'm sexually active. No. She asks if I've gotten a Pap smear. I explain that my NP wouldn't do it so no. She then informs me that she was going to do an internal ultrasound but decided to do an external one because I am a virgin and have not experienced anything that invasive yet. Great.
Then I am asked to lay down so she can see how full my bladder is. It was teensy! I was instructed to drink as much water as I could so I down another Nalgene bottle (32 oz.) and a half in addition to the half Nalgene I had already consumed since last using the restroom. Keep in mind I have not eaten since 0630 and it's rounding on about 1330-1400. Anyway, my friend and I go back to the waiting room and she's drinking water with me to help me fill up my bladder.
Another 30 minutes and about 15 funny videos later, the tech comes back out to check my status and the ultrasound shows that my bladder is full enough! Yay!
So pants are unbuttoned and pulled down to just low enough to expose where my bladder and uterus are. The tech pours some warm jelly on the exposed area and starts pressing right where she needs to not press because I'm fixin' to lose all the urine in my bladder if she presses too hard. Pretty soon my uterus gets pointed out to me and it turns out I hang to the left, just a little bit. Haha, comedic relief is helping me get through this and I was slap happy because I was so nervous and I laughed for a solid 5 minutes at my own joke.
10 minutes of smooshing around above my full, and still filling bladder, and she started zooming in. Measurements were taken of each ovary and some labeling, no big deal. I noticed that one of my ovaries was black while the other was gray. She then went from traditional 2D ultrasound and switched to 3D. I thought nothing of it at the time, but the more I think about it, the more freaked out I get about that. It looked bigger, to me, and she looked through different levels of it with the 3D ultrasound thing. She didn't do that to the other one.
Being an ultrasound tech, she wasn't allowed to diagnose me or share the findings because she has to wait for the MD to look them over and then call my NP and then I may get the results at some point during the course of what feels like 80138474536947 years from now.
In the meantime, I'm trying to limit my panic attacks but that's not going well. I came straight home and peed, for the 3rd time in 30 minutes, and fell asleep on the couch. I don't know why because I got a solid 9 hours of sleep last night because I didn't have to do a careplan. Then I woke up from my map with a panic attack and a realization that she investigated the black ovary but not the gray one.
Boyfriend doesn't know about the ultrasound yet, I want to tell him so badly but I think it needs to be in person and after I get the results. We talked on the phone last night about a bunch of deep stuff and he asked what I would do if we found out that one of us was infertile. It was completely out of the blue and without knowing my fears of cancer/infertility/other scary things that I am experiencing right now. He told me I could think about it for a few day but I didn't need to. I responded saying that I had wanted to maybe adopt a kid or two anyway so we could just do that. He agreed and we moved on to more tough questions. Even after asking what brought him to ask that, he said it was just a though he had had but it was weird to me because I am actually terrified that may be my reality.
I'm struggling.
If I find out I have cancer or I'm infertile, I think I'm going to break up with Boyfriend. That's not fair to him to be stuck with me through that. We've been going out for a few days shy of a month and there's no reason for him to feel like he has to stay with me just because I am sick (if I'm sick) or through my (possible) infertility.
My heart is heavy, my mind is racing, I think I might explode.
I finally told my roommate about my symptoms. She knew I had gone to the doctor's and that they ran the STD panel, UA, CBC, thyroid test, and the ultrasound. But she asked why the did the ultrasound so I had to explain everything to her. I'm getting better about talking about things that normally make me really uncomfortable. That's likely, largely helped by Boyfriend helping me to discuss stuff I wouldn't mention before. You know, feelings, kissing, sex, marriage, etc. So Roommate knows and I've been freaking out to her a little bit but I hold off a lot because I don't want to bother her or my other nursing school buddy that I told about it with my problems and irrational fears.
I'm going to bed. Pray with me if you think about it.
Showing posts with label irrational. Show all posts
Showing posts with label irrational. Show all posts
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Serious Struggles = Breakdown on Phone with Mother
Guys I was having a rough 24 hours yesterday. Actually, it all happened in about 18 hours, but whatever.
About a week and a half ago (on a Friday) I get a call to say that I don't have to work Sunday. They call me back the following Friday to say, "Hey, you have to come in now." Nobody asked if I had plans or studying or anything else going on since they gave me the day off. So, naturally, I steamed about it for a few days and went in anyway. Work was fine but I was the only float for all 4 courts so I was bounced around pretty heavily all night. Then, I got to go home. By the time I walked into my apartment door it was 10 p.m. and I had loads of homework to do.
Now, let me remind you that the facility recently changed their key policy from allowing every employee to have their own set of keys, to now requiring you to check keys out because they took them away from us. Why? A power trip by a whole set of new managers. As part of this policy, if you forget to check your keys back in and put them in the box, you have to drive all the way back to work to return to them before you get written up.
Guess what I found in my pocket as I was taking off my shoes at home? You guessed it you smart person! I found my keys. If I hadn't been so exhausted, I think I probably would have punch a hole in the wall because I was livid. Anger doesn't even begin to describe it. I was mad at myself for being so stupid for not returning my keys and I was even angrier at the facility and manager who thought this stupid policy would be a good idea.
So, a 30 minuted drive there and back later, I had cooled off slightly. G-d, in His infinite love and kindness, allowed me to hit all green lights even when other cars were waiting at intersections and nobody was traveling the way I was. He allowed me to be irrationally angry at a situation that doesn't really matter in the scheme of things and even helped me to cool down. He also kept me from the millions of cops that I saw because I was speeding a bit due to the rage boiling over inside of me. I don't think I've ever been so surprised by how G-d's worked in my life than I was that night.
After about 3 hours of homework, I woke up asleep at my computer. 5 hours later, I'm being woken up by about 12 alarms distributed throughout my room to ensure that I do, in fact, wake up and don't sleep through them. Went to class, no big deal.
Then, at my IT job, everything that could go wrong did. I rode on the elevator to the wrong floor while trying to take a computer to a teacher. That computer didn't work so I called my partner but accidentally ended up calling my boss. I ran upstairs, grabbed another one, took the stupid elevator again and went to the wrong floor, AGAIN! At some point I had to reimage a computer. Each time, it takes 30 minutes, and I had to do it twice because I thought I did it wrong. After talking to my partner, he confirmed it. (It turns out that computer was just broken too, so that made me feel a little bit better, but it was a whole day after that incident.)
So, after all of that nonesense, I went home and called my mom instead of going to the gym. We talked about my dating policies because I have recently been reconsidering my kissing thing but I don't know if that's just because I'm listening to country music or if it's because G-d is testing me or maybe He didn't even encourage me to make that policy. I don't know. So, we talked about her experiences and I asked questions I never thought I would ask ever, let alone to my mom... At some point I broke down and she encouraged me to have a boyfriend "just because they're fun and it would help you to understand more social cues." Seriously, that's what she said. We all know I'm not developed past a 5th grade social status, but I don't know that jumping into a random relationship would help that any.
The reason that came up though, is because I had breakfast with my best friend. This best friend is the same one that asked me out last year. I hadn't seen him in several months and when I did it was weird because he and my other friend were unpleased with each other so then I felt like I was running interference. But my crush that had been so difficult to get over suddenly hit me like a train at dinner. It was so weird. Plus, the waitress thought we were dating so she only gave us one ticket and he paid for me and that was really weird for me. So I brought all that to my mom and that made me start crying because I don't know what's happening. When I don't know what's happening in my own head/heart, I freak out and seriously question all of my life decisions.
Lately, G-d keeps showing me blog posts and random articles through Facebook, or some really unexpected places, about dating through a G-dly person's perspective. One such article can be found here. I strongly suggest that you read it because I thought I was some independent, strong-willed girl that didn't listen to Hollywood's fairy tales and the silliness that Disney movies try to feed us about "love". Turns out that I'm influenced heavily and it is not allowing me to hear G-d's voice about what He wants for me as a person that can potentially date. For now, I'm throwing out all of my past rules and I'm starting from scratch with what I pray is G-d's voice, ONLY. I guess we'll see where that leads because I'm totally in the dark. Also, it's making me freak out a bit more, but it's not as unsettling because I know G-d is in control and I'm not holding on for dear life. It's a faith exercise.
Speaking of exercise, I went to the gym a lot last week and got down to 5 pound lost total so far. This week, however, is not fairing so well with the exercising establishment because I'm plumb exhausted and a bit lazy this week. Hopefully I will find some motivation to go to the gym again. I'm getting better at distance running for longer times and also faster running. It makes me feel to much better to go do something that makes me sweat and gets my anxiousness out in a more productive way that causing me heart palpitations and mild panic attacks.
I think that's all I have for now. I should probably go study...
Daily Thanksgiving: G-d totally understands me even in my irrational anger. He is changing me for the better and stretching me in ways I didn't think were possible. I've lost 5 pounds and feel a bit better about myself. I'm looking forward to being able to run a whole mile in under 8 minute.
About a week and a half ago (on a Friday) I get a call to say that I don't have to work Sunday. They call me back the following Friday to say, "Hey, you have to come in now." Nobody asked if I had plans or studying or anything else going on since they gave me the day off. So, naturally, I steamed about it for a few days and went in anyway. Work was fine but I was the only float for all 4 courts so I was bounced around pretty heavily all night. Then, I got to go home. By the time I walked into my apartment door it was 10 p.m. and I had loads of homework to do.
Now, let me remind you that the facility recently changed their key policy from allowing every employee to have their own set of keys, to now requiring you to check keys out because they took them away from us. Why? A power trip by a whole set of new managers. As part of this policy, if you forget to check your keys back in and put them in the box, you have to drive all the way back to work to return to them before you get written up.
Guess what I found in my pocket as I was taking off my shoes at home? You guessed it you smart person! I found my keys. If I hadn't been so exhausted, I think I probably would have punch a hole in the wall because I was livid. Anger doesn't even begin to describe it. I was mad at myself for being so stupid for not returning my keys and I was even angrier at the facility and manager who thought this stupid policy would be a good idea.
So, a 30 minuted drive there and back later, I had cooled off slightly. G-d, in His infinite love and kindness, allowed me to hit all green lights even when other cars were waiting at intersections and nobody was traveling the way I was. He allowed me to be irrationally angry at a situation that doesn't really matter in the scheme of things and even helped me to cool down. He also kept me from the millions of cops that I saw because I was speeding a bit due to the rage boiling over inside of me. I don't think I've ever been so surprised by how G-d's worked in my life than I was that night.
After about 3 hours of homework, I woke up asleep at my computer. 5 hours later, I'm being woken up by about 12 alarms distributed throughout my room to ensure that I do, in fact, wake up and don't sleep through them. Went to class, no big deal.
Then, at my IT job, everything that could go wrong did. I rode on the elevator to the wrong floor while trying to take a computer to a teacher. That computer didn't work so I called my partner but accidentally ended up calling my boss. I ran upstairs, grabbed another one, took the stupid elevator again and went to the wrong floor, AGAIN! At some point I had to reimage a computer. Each time, it takes 30 minutes, and I had to do it twice because I thought I did it wrong. After talking to my partner, he confirmed it. (It turns out that computer was just broken too, so that made me feel a little bit better, but it was a whole day after that incident.)
So, after all of that nonesense, I went home and called my mom instead of going to the gym. We talked about my dating policies because I have recently been reconsidering my kissing thing but I don't know if that's just because I'm listening to country music or if it's because G-d is testing me or maybe He didn't even encourage me to make that policy. I don't know. So, we talked about her experiences and I asked questions I never thought I would ask ever, let alone to my mom... At some point I broke down and she encouraged me to have a boyfriend "just because they're fun and it would help you to understand more social cues." Seriously, that's what she said. We all know I'm not developed past a 5th grade social status, but I don't know that jumping into a random relationship would help that any.
The reason that came up though, is because I had breakfast with my best friend. This best friend is the same one that asked me out last year. I hadn't seen him in several months and when I did it was weird because he and my other friend were unpleased with each other so then I felt like I was running interference. But my crush that had been so difficult to get over suddenly hit me like a train at dinner. It was so weird. Plus, the waitress thought we were dating so she only gave us one ticket and he paid for me and that was really weird for me. So I brought all that to my mom and that made me start crying because I don't know what's happening. When I don't know what's happening in my own head/heart, I freak out and seriously question all of my life decisions.
Lately, G-d keeps showing me blog posts and random articles through Facebook, or some really unexpected places, about dating through a G-dly person's perspective. One such article can be found here. I strongly suggest that you read it because I thought I was some independent, strong-willed girl that didn't listen to Hollywood's fairy tales and the silliness that Disney movies try to feed us about "love". Turns out that I'm influenced heavily and it is not allowing me to hear G-d's voice about what He wants for me as a person that can potentially date. For now, I'm throwing out all of my past rules and I'm starting from scratch with what I pray is G-d's voice, ONLY. I guess we'll see where that leads because I'm totally in the dark. Also, it's making me freak out a bit more, but it's not as unsettling because I know G-d is in control and I'm not holding on for dear life. It's a faith exercise.
Speaking of exercise, I went to the gym a lot last week and got down to 5 pound lost total so far. This week, however, is not fairing so well with the exercising establishment because I'm plumb exhausted and a bit lazy this week. Hopefully I will find some motivation to go to the gym again. I'm getting better at distance running for longer times and also faster running. It makes me feel to much better to go do something that makes me sweat and gets my anxiousness out in a more productive way that causing me heart palpitations and mild panic attacks.
I think that's all I have for now. I should probably go study...
Daily Thanksgiving: G-d totally understands me even in my irrational anger. He is changing me for the better and stretching me in ways I didn't think were possible. I've lost 5 pounds and feel a bit better about myself. I'm looking forward to being able to run a whole mile in under 8 minute.
Friday, October 11, 2013
Pharmacology Frustrations
Pharmacology is destroying me! I know that it is a lot of work, but I don't think I can rise to the occasion and survive in this class. I am pretty sure I just got a D on my last test. How am I supposed to memorize every MOA, dosage, side effect, implication, teaching point, drug category, and everything else about every single drug ever created and currently used?
I get into this dangerous mindset of frustration with my teacher because this is her first year teaching and last year's teacher was amazing. Last year, students could use notes and books to do their quizzes and tests. The teacher taught so that the students understood what they needed to know and I have heard that lectures were full of interesting stories to help students remember the drugs.
This year, we get out after an hour (the class is scheduled for three) because our teacher just reads the power points. We are taking quizzes every week that most people report to be failing. Then, her tests seem to come out of nowhere because she is taking the questions from the test banks that come with the book. Maybe it's just because I'm not great at memorizing and I get frustrated when I get bad grades. I know that bad grades are my fault because I should have studied more. Still, I very much dislike that I hear all these great things about pharm last year from my friends who had last year's teacher and now I have to have a teacher who doesn't know what she's doing and so she is asking so much of us that really seems unreasonable.
New teachers are frustrating for me. I had a new A&P teacher last year who said one thing and did another. This year, my Pharm teacher does the same thing. Neither one knows what they are doing when they are teaching the class. Also, one of my teachers that teaches 2 other classes was new last year and is still trying things out. She too says one thing in class and does something entirely different. It doesn't seem like I'm getting the quality education that I am paying for and it doesn't seem like I'm learning the way I need to be learning. New teachers required the students to teach them how to teach us. This is so frustrating because the teachers feel like they know what they are doing because they got the Master's or Doctorate Degree. That's not how it works.
For those of you who are nurses out there or who are going through nursing school, how do you study for pharmacology? What did your teacher do that helped/hindered your learning? How do I survive this class?
Sorry for the meltdown rant. I don't know how I am ever going to get through this semester because this is ridiculous! It also seems like this whole post negates what I said about talking nice about people. I'm a hypocrite... I considered not posting this, but it's real and I don't want to seem "holier than thou" because I do get frustrated with people. I get irrationally angry and I vent.
Today is not one of my good days. It didn't start well and it's getting worse due to my bad grade on the test and the fact that I have to go to Pharm today. Days like this make me wish that 1) I could be a nurse already, 2) I would have been able to go through this program last year or preferably the year before, 3) I had a boyfriend, and 4) that I was smarter and better at studying. My stomach hurts from all the worrying and I keep bursting out in tears for no reason. The life has been sucked out of me and hopelessness is now a constant state of mind. I don't know what to do and I just want to shut down.
I get into this dangerous mindset of frustration with my teacher because this is her first year teaching and last year's teacher was amazing. Last year, students could use notes and books to do their quizzes and tests. The teacher taught so that the students understood what they needed to know and I have heard that lectures were full of interesting stories to help students remember the drugs.
This year, we get out after an hour (the class is scheduled for three) because our teacher just reads the power points. We are taking quizzes every week that most people report to be failing. Then, her tests seem to come out of nowhere because she is taking the questions from the test banks that come with the book. Maybe it's just because I'm not great at memorizing and I get frustrated when I get bad grades. I know that bad grades are my fault because I should have studied more. Still, I very much dislike that I hear all these great things about pharm last year from my friends who had last year's teacher and now I have to have a teacher who doesn't know what she's doing and so she is asking so much of us that really seems unreasonable.
New teachers are frustrating for me. I had a new A&P teacher last year who said one thing and did another. This year, my Pharm teacher does the same thing. Neither one knows what they are doing when they are teaching the class. Also, one of my teachers that teaches 2 other classes was new last year and is still trying things out. She too says one thing in class and does something entirely different. It doesn't seem like I'm getting the quality education that I am paying for and it doesn't seem like I'm learning the way I need to be learning. New teachers required the students to teach them how to teach us. This is so frustrating because the teachers feel like they know what they are doing because they got the Master's or Doctorate Degree. That's not how it works.
For those of you who are nurses out there or who are going through nursing school, how do you study for pharmacology? What did your teacher do that helped/hindered your learning? How do I survive this class?
Sorry for the meltdown rant. I don't know how I am ever going to get through this semester because this is ridiculous! It also seems like this whole post negates what I said about talking nice about people. I'm a hypocrite... I considered not posting this, but it's real and I don't want to seem "holier than thou" because I do get frustrated with people. I get irrationally angry and I vent.
Today is not one of my good days. It didn't start well and it's getting worse due to my bad grade on the test and the fact that I have to go to Pharm today. Days like this make me wish that 1) I could be a nurse already, 2) I would have been able to go through this program last year or preferably the year before, 3) I had a boyfriend, and 4) that I was smarter and better at studying. My stomach hurts from all the worrying and I keep bursting out in tears for no reason. The life has been sucked out of me and hopelessness is now a constant state of mind. I don't know what to do and I just want to shut down.
Friday, October 4, 2013
Misunderstood
Do you ever feel that you are misunderstood? Perhaps you are an RN or a CNA and try to explain your frustrations about work with someone who does not work in medicine. Maybe you are a girl trying to explain your irrational bad day (when nothing is really going wrong but it still feels bad) to your boyfriend, guy friend, parents, etc. Maybe you are a guy trying to explain cars/sports/video games/etc. to your girlfriend, sister, parents, etc. (I am sorry for the stereotypes, normally I steer clear of them but they are personal experiences that just happen to be popping into my head at this moment.) Whatever the reason, my bet is that most people are misunderstood at some point or another.
Recently I went to lunch with my mentor who is in the same nursing program, but a year ahead of me. She likes to set up meeting every couple of weeks to ensure that I am not completely drowning, if she can help it, and also to encourage me to go to church. I have been going to church, so that's good, I guess. I tried explaining the rest of my life and school to her, because I am trying to be open and honest with people, and she totally didn't get me at all. This confirmed my fear that I am, in fact, too strange to be helped. It reinforced my policy that I keep problems to myself and pretend that nothing is wrong even when it is written clearly across my face. Well, I come on here and explain myself, but I don't know you guys and you don't really know me and I hope that somewhere, my awkward stories and bad writing can help somebody. If no, then at least I got my thoughts recorded and can kinda put them behind me.
Yesterday, while waiting after my IT job for my brother to get out of class, I found a book in the library. It talked about nurses and doctors coping with the death of their pt's. All of the nurses and doctors in the book worked in pediatrics, typically in oncology, PICU, or NICU. They all explained what happened during the first death that they experienced, how they coped, and what they do differently now. Most of them talked about having to be close friends with other doctors and nurses on their unit because nobody in other units or in the outside world understand what it is like to help a child through their death or to perform post mortem care on an infant. They can't even vent or explain their day to anyone who is not a healthcare provider because nobody gets it. So, should I learn to explicitly lean on G-d and learn to talk everything out with Him to prevent putting anyone around me through the confusion and pain that goes on with nursing? I plan on having friends, I always make friends at work, but will they get sick of me crying every time a baby dies? Will they get tired of me having to ask for help?
I already fear that I'm a burden to those around me. I feel like I'm the charity case because many of my friends are really pretty, super smart, and have loads of friends, so they don't really need me. I don't even complain to them about stuff because I don't want to dump anything else on them! I try to not ask for help or favors very much. I strive to pull my own weight, or to even give as much as I can and carry some of their burden. So I end up wanting to have the company of people, but when I get around them I get nervous and stressed. Ultimately, I end up shutting down, not talking, and leaving after only a short time. But the whole time, I still want human interaction. I don't understand this and I have been trying to fight through it, but I haven't found anything that works in the past few years that it's been occurring.
I don't feel like I belong. I don't belong at any church (past or present), at home, in my apartment, at school, at my job, anywhere. I have never felt like I belong. I can have friends but we hardly get super close. Even when we do, they leave after a few years and we never talk again. I go home to my parent's house and it doesn't seem like I belong because my stuff isn't there. Then again, I come home to my apartment and it just feels like my things are intruding on someone else's turf because this is just temporary. For several years nursing felt like my niche, but the longer I'm in the nursing program, the more I feel like an outsider that won't make it through this boot camp. My first long term church was one I attended for 10 years with my family. Through that whole time, I didn't feel I belonged. It was a small church and everyone knew everyone, but I never connected with many people. My pastor's wife let me work in the nursery and the kids clung to me. Outside of that, I never really had anyone to be with. The next church was larger and I had tons of people who made it a point to come say hi because I watched their kids or we helped to start the church together, but still, no real connections (except for the lady I still babysit for and the other lady that goes to my mom for haircuts.) My Messianic congregation has a line out the door of people wanting to talk to me, but I can't figure out why. My current church has only been "mine" for about a month so still no one there... yet(?).
My love language is quality time. Maybe I'm setting my standards too high for friendship. Perhaps I should be looking for more superficial friendships as opposed to ones that seem grounded and deep. Maybe I just don't let people get close or maybe they don't want to get close. I don't know.
The end.
Recently I went to lunch with my mentor who is in the same nursing program, but a year ahead of me. She likes to set up meeting every couple of weeks to ensure that I am not completely drowning, if she can help it, and also to encourage me to go to church. I have been going to church, so that's good, I guess. I tried explaining the rest of my life and school to her, because I am trying to be open and honest with people, and she totally didn't get me at all. This confirmed my fear that I am, in fact, too strange to be helped. It reinforced my policy that I keep problems to myself and pretend that nothing is wrong even when it is written clearly across my face. Well, I come on here and explain myself, but I don't know you guys and you don't really know me and I hope that somewhere, my awkward stories and bad writing can help somebody. If no, then at least I got my thoughts recorded and can kinda put them behind me.
Yesterday, while waiting after my IT job for my brother to get out of class, I found a book in the library. It talked about nurses and doctors coping with the death of their pt's. All of the nurses and doctors in the book worked in pediatrics, typically in oncology, PICU, or NICU. They all explained what happened during the first death that they experienced, how they coped, and what they do differently now. Most of them talked about having to be close friends with other doctors and nurses on their unit because nobody in other units or in the outside world understand what it is like to help a child through their death or to perform post mortem care on an infant. They can't even vent or explain their day to anyone who is not a healthcare provider because nobody gets it. So, should I learn to explicitly lean on G-d and learn to talk everything out with Him to prevent putting anyone around me through the confusion and pain that goes on with nursing? I plan on having friends, I always make friends at work, but will they get sick of me crying every time a baby dies? Will they get tired of me having to ask for help?
I already fear that I'm a burden to those around me. I feel like I'm the charity case because many of my friends are really pretty, super smart, and have loads of friends, so they don't really need me. I don't even complain to them about stuff because I don't want to dump anything else on them! I try to not ask for help or favors very much. I strive to pull my own weight, or to even give as much as I can and carry some of their burden. So I end up wanting to have the company of people, but when I get around them I get nervous and stressed. Ultimately, I end up shutting down, not talking, and leaving after only a short time. But the whole time, I still want human interaction. I don't understand this and I have been trying to fight through it, but I haven't found anything that works in the past few years that it's been occurring.
I don't feel like I belong. I don't belong at any church (past or present), at home, in my apartment, at school, at my job, anywhere. I have never felt like I belong. I can have friends but we hardly get super close. Even when we do, they leave after a few years and we never talk again. I go home to my parent's house and it doesn't seem like I belong because my stuff isn't there. Then again, I come home to my apartment and it just feels like my things are intruding on someone else's turf because this is just temporary. For several years nursing felt like my niche, but the longer I'm in the nursing program, the more I feel like an outsider that won't make it through this boot camp. My first long term church was one I attended for 10 years with my family. Through that whole time, I didn't feel I belonged. It was a small church and everyone knew everyone, but I never connected with many people. My pastor's wife let me work in the nursery and the kids clung to me. Outside of that, I never really had anyone to be with. The next church was larger and I had tons of people who made it a point to come say hi because I watched their kids or we helped to start the church together, but still, no real connections (except for the lady I still babysit for and the other lady that goes to my mom for haircuts.) My Messianic congregation has a line out the door of people wanting to talk to me, but I can't figure out why. My current church has only been "mine" for about a month so still no one there... yet(?).
My love language is quality time. Maybe I'm setting my standards too high for friendship. Perhaps I should be looking for more superficial friendships as opposed to ones that seem grounded and deep. Maybe I just don't let people get close or maybe they don't want to get close. I don't know.
The end.
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