Life Insurance

I got to spend some time with boyfriend/fiance this weekend. He went out on Halloween and called me for a ride because he had had a few too many drinks. That's cool, I offered the ride to him because there are a ridiculous amount of cops out to catch people having a little "too much fun" and then choosing to drive. I get it, they're trying to keep the roads safe. Unfortunately, most of the cops I saw had pulled people over for speeding while I saw several drunk drivers with no cops around. Seriously, priorities people! Whatever, it's not my job and I can't tell other people how to do their jobs because I hate people telling me how to do mine.

Anyway, fiance and I were talking and he told me he put me on his life insurance. He told me if he dies, he wants me to buy a nice house, a nice truck, and he wants me to go travel the world with the money. I asked when he put me on his policy and he told me it was a couple weeks ago. A couple weeks ago we were broken up... So I asked if I was put on before or after the break-up, he told me he put me on it during the time we weren't together. Hmmm, that's kind of interesting. He says he was hoping we would get back together so he put me on it anyway. It's sweet, but it's almost like he doesn't believe I was serious. I know that I can walk away and be absolutely fine. I need him to realize that because maybe he will realize that I'm not a puppet and I do have my own needs as a human being.

He's getting better at listening to me, sometimes. Other times we get in fights, but when he gets upset with me, I am actually able to start telling him exactly what is on my mind because I am thinking of replies to him before I see him.

He keeps asking when the wedding is because we had originally planned on getting married in June of 2016. He's not super happy that we will be waiting another year (2017) or two but I need the time to see if we will work out. I can see him trying to fix his life, but I honestly know that it's not going to change unless he finds the L-rd but he is angry with G-d for taking his wife away. I get it. I'm angry that my purity was allowed to be stolen when G-d could have done something, anything, to be able to save me from that. However, I have to trust that there was a reason that it was allowed and I have to have hope that someday, the L-rd will restore my purity and make me whole. I have hope that He will forgive me and allow me to be able to spend eternity with Him. Honestly, the only thing keeping me going right now is a hope that someday, I won't have to remember any of this and that I will make it to eternity and not have to be here anymore. It's a small thing to grasp onto, but it's all I have right now.

I watched The Fault In Our Stars. Poor choice to watch when depressed and already sad (I watched it during my break-up with fiance). Oh my goodness, I cried for the rest of the day. It brought back to mind my funeral plans and what I want to be said about me when I go. All I want is to be remembered for forgiving when everyone around me thinks its crazy. I want to be remembered as being dependable, sweet, kind, patient, and good with old people and children. I want to be remembered as being a friend to those who don't have friends, even when it might be painful for me because at least then they have someone. It would be nice to be remembered, but I have no idea how/if I will be remembered. That's sometimes a little scary, but it is what it is. The reason I thought about all of this is because of the eulogy scene where the guy that is sick decides that he wants to hear the eulogies that he asked his friends to prepare. I want to hear what people would say in my eulogies, but I don't really want eulogies at my funeral and not many people have the chance to be able to attend their funeral before they die.

So, that is where I'm at.

Confessions of a College Prude, Part 2

Lately, in my life, there has been an abundance of sex talk. It's getting on my nerves, to be honest because nobody is discussing the desire to refrain from it but merely rumors and desires to take part in it.

There have been stories of people losing their virginity in middle school. Many conversations about "numbers" (the amount of people individuals have slept with. Some people have begun describing in vivid detail certain acts or positions. Still others discuss their sadness that they have not yet given themselves entirely over to another person in that way. Most of these conversations were cut short on my end because I proceeded to plug my ears and began humming in order to drown out the information being presented.

I don't want to know the details of acts, or numbers, or anything else that I do not need to know about sex! In my book, I need to know that: 1) it's how you get babies, STD's, funky rashes, and other various conditions that one may find themselves in that require medical treatment, 2) there are psychological and emotional scars that can develop, 3) THAT I DO NOT NEED TO BE PARTAKING IN THESE ACTIONS UNTIL I AM MARRIED!!! That is it! All other information simply chips away at my dwindling innocence and causes me to have nightmares and panic attacks (on a regular basis).

My dating/marriage rules are strict, I understand that. However, those rules only apply to myself, I do not expect anyone else to follow them. If they don't follow them, I simply ask that all conversations about sex be held until I am out of hearing range. People cease cussing due to simple requests, is it too much to ask that inappropriate talk be held too?

It was brought to my attention that one of my friends is not pleased with the amount of physical contact they have had with the opposite gender. This conversation was light and was mostly about kissing and holding hands which are both okay for me to discuss with people because those are "normal" dating practices that are mostly started when dating anybody (with me and maybe a handful of others in the exception). When talking about these things, though, most people don't realize that I abstain from these little gestures as well. This may have a large part to do with my tongue ring, which I have been informed is used for unsavory acts of the sexual nature (things that I do not partake in). So people begin talking about these things and they haven't known me long enough to know that I am saving hand holding for my engagement, or kissing and beyond for when I am married.

Bringing this up with other people has proven slightly foolish in my experience because my closest friends and mentors all advise me to not wait for these things. I was encouraged and told that "it would be highly unlikely for me to be in a relationship with someone I really liked without kissing them." Yes, it will be hard, but that doesn't mean that it is bad. I am not forcing these rules on anyone else and I understand that if G-d sends along someone who I really like and who really likes me, there will be a pull for physical contact like kissing and hand-holding. However, by saving these little gestures, it's not going to cause any harm to me or my beloved. We won't get an STD or become pregnant before marriage, we won't become ill or suffer any psychological issues by waiting either. Why, then, is everyone counseling me to just go ahead a kiss whatever guy comes along? Why are they encouraging me to date, just to get the first one out of the way? I "tried" that, it was one of the biggest regrets of my life because I don't want to date just anybody, I wanted to wait until it seemed like the L-rd was guiding us both into the relationship instead of me getting talked into it by someone who had put me up on an unrealistic, unhealthy pedestal.

Seriously, the most waiting could do is make me become a cat lady. Which would make my death folder come in mighty handy because I am allergic to cats and they would likely suffocate me in my sleep.

You know what makes me the most sad? I feel embarrassed discussing these things with people because I have gotten such negative reactions from them so far. Some of my friends have decided they are going to take me to a bar, try to get me drunk, and then attempt to talk guys into making out with me. There are so many holes in that plan, but it bugs me that my closest friends can't just leave me be. It's not they are intervening for self-destructive behavior, they are attempting to make me do things that I don't want to do but that aren't causing harm to anyone. My mentors have continuously told me that it is okay to kiss boys and I shouldn't go any farther than I am comfortable with, but that lines should be past the hand-holding/kissing/cuddling things to really only prevent "real sex" from occurring until marriage. It's almost like skinny shaming where people tell thin people to go eat a hamburger or gain some weight even though the person is not anorexic or bolimic or anything else unhealthy.

I want another chance with this kid. I want to explain that while many people lose their virginity or hold a lot of emphasis on getting to a certain point in their physical relationship, that is not the general consensus among everyone. Yes, it may seem like everyone is sleeping around and has done more than you, but that's just because the people that hold-off are either not talking about not doing anything or they are getting drowned out by the people with the crazy hook-up stories. I just want to explain that this tongue ring was an attempt to not go back down my self-harm path that I have a history of. I want to explain why I am choosing to not kiss or hold hands right now. I want to explain that I am in the minority, but I CHOSE to be in the minority and it's not as small of a group as it may seem. Oh I pray I get the chance and I pray that this person is receptive!

Death Folder

Since about middle school, I have been thinking about how I would want my funeral executed, if I would want artificial life support, etc, etc. Until last weekends funeral, I had not really discussed much of this with my parents. Since then I have decided to put together a death folder. I've already made a Pinterest board with basics of my funeral ceremony and I started documenting my accounts, passwords, and other information that may be important in the case of my demise.

Why am I planning for my death before I have even turned 21? I have no clue but I have always felt this pull to make sure it was planned, so I am preparing everything and getting it to my parent's house and my brother.

So far I have a will that I made from a template from the internet, a letter describing my wishes for my funeral, and a paper with the usernames and passwords to all my accounts. That's it. I need to sign a DNR and get the other legal stuff taken care of but that sounds terribly boring and time-consuming. It'll get done, hopefully by summer.

Any ideas of what else to put in it? I plan on writing a letter to my parents and brother. Then I can add on other letters if there happens to be a special guy in my life or anyone else I believe truly needs a letter.