Confessions of a College Prude, Part 2

Lately, in my life, there has been an abundance of sex talk. It's getting on my nerves, to be honest because nobody is discussing the desire to refrain from it but merely rumors and desires to take part in it.

There have been stories of people losing their virginity in middle school. Many conversations about "numbers" (the amount of people individuals have slept with. Some people have begun describing in vivid detail certain acts or positions. Still others discuss their sadness that they have not yet given themselves entirely over to another person in that way. Most of these conversations were cut short on my end because I proceeded to plug my ears and began humming in order to drown out the information being presented.

I don't want to know the details of acts, or numbers, or anything else that I do not need to know about sex! In my book, I need to know that: 1) it's how you get babies, STD's, funky rashes, and other various conditions that one may find themselves in that require medical treatment, 2) there are psychological and emotional scars that can develop, 3) THAT I DO NOT NEED TO BE PARTAKING IN THESE ACTIONS UNTIL I AM MARRIED!!! That is it! All other information simply chips away at my dwindling innocence and causes me to have nightmares and panic attacks (on a regular basis).

My dating/marriage rules are strict, I understand that. However, those rules only apply to myself, I do not expect anyone else to follow them. If they don't follow them, I simply ask that all conversations about sex be held until I am out of hearing range. People cease cussing due to simple requests, is it too much to ask that inappropriate talk be held too?

It was brought to my attention that one of my friends is not pleased with the amount of physical contact they have had with the opposite gender. This conversation was light and was mostly about kissing and holding hands which are both okay for me to discuss with people because those are "normal" dating practices that are mostly started when dating anybody (with me and maybe a handful of others in the exception). When talking about these things, though, most people don't realize that I abstain from these little gestures as well. This may have a large part to do with my tongue ring, which I have been informed is used for unsavory acts of the sexual nature (things that I do not partake in). So people begin talking about these things and they haven't known me long enough to know that I am saving hand holding for my engagement, or kissing and beyond for when I am married.

Bringing this up with other people has proven slightly foolish in my experience because my closest friends and mentors all advise me to not wait for these things. I was encouraged and told that "it would be highly unlikely for me to be in a relationship with someone I really liked without kissing them." Yes, it will be hard, but that doesn't mean that it is bad. I am not forcing these rules on anyone else and I understand that if G-d sends along someone who I really like and who really likes me, there will be a pull for physical contact like kissing and hand-holding. However, by saving these little gestures, it's not going to cause any harm to me or my beloved. We won't get an STD or become pregnant before marriage, we won't become ill or suffer any psychological issues by waiting either. Why, then, is everyone counseling me to just go ahead a kiss whatever guy comes along? Why are they encouraging me to date, just to get the first one out of the way? I "tried" that, it was one of the biggest regrets of my life because I don't want to date just anybody, I wanted to wait until it seemed like the L-rd was guiding us both into the relationship instead of me getting talked into it by someone who had put me up on an unrealistic, unhealthy pedestal.

Seriously, the most waiting could do is make me become a cat lady. Which would make my death folder come in mighty handy because I am allergic to cats and they would likely suffocate me in my sleep.

You know what makes me the most sad? I feel embarrassed discussing these things with people because I have gotten such negative reactions from them so far. Some of my friends have decided they are going to take me to a bar, try to get me drunk, and then attempt to talk guys into making out with me. There are so many holes in that plan, but it bugs me that my closest friends can't just leave me be. It's not they are intervening for self-destructive behavior, they are attempting to make me do things that I don't want to do but that aren't causing harm to anyone. My mentors have continuously told me that it is okay to kiss boys and I shouldn't go any farther than I am comfortable with, but that lines should be past the hand-holding/kissing/cuddling things to really only prevent "real sex" from occurring until marriage. It's almost like skinny shaming where people tell thin people to go eat a hamburger or gain some weight even though the person is not anorexic or bolimic or anything else unhealthy.

I want another chance with this kid. I want to explain that while many people lose their virginity or hold a lot of emphasis on getting to a certain point in their physical relationship, that is not the general consensus among everyone. Yes, it may seem like everyone is sleeping around and has done more than you, but that's just because the people that hold-off are either not talking about not doing anything or they are getting drowned out by the people with the crazy hook-up stories. I just want to explain that this tongue ring was an attempt to not go back down my self-harm path that I have a history of. I want to explain why I am choosing to not kiss or hold hands right now. I want to explain that I am in the minority, but I CHOSE to be in the minority and it's not as small of a group as it may seem. Oh I pray I get the chance and I pray that this person is receptive!

Dirty Meanings

Guys, did you know that most people assume tongue piercings were received with a dirty reasoning behind them? Apparently they are used for unsavory acts that I cannot even imagine.

Well, nobody told me before I got mine! I know, I had talked myself out of my piercings, but right after my last final, my friends and I all went to the tattoo shop to get holes in our faces. Actually, one friend got nothing because she is about as pierced as you can get. Our other friend got 4 cartilage piercings between her two ears and I got a nose and tongue piercing.

After having dozens of people ask me why I did it, I got to thinking. With all of the pain of having a friend die, my brother move out, and me losing Best Friend (through my own fault), I wanted to have real pain that goes beyond what just my heart feels. That plan backfired. Neither one of my piercings hurt. I could feel the needle going through, but they did not hurt. Super. Maybe I should have gone with the cartilage? Maybe my pain tolerance is just too high. I just plumb don't know.

When I went and showed my parents, they already knew I was going to get piercings. They both exclaimed that I "actually got my nose done" and they laughed when I showed them my tongue. A few hours later my mom decided to explain the tongue ring... I was completely mortified! She and my brother had a great laugh on the phone about it a week or two after my conversation with her. Then I told my friends that I had not known the dirty connotation associated with it. Oh my goodness, they laughed so hard at me!

Why do people assume I know things that most people know? I am about as innocent as a 5 year-old. I laugh hysterically at burp, fart, and poop stories while I stare blank faced when someone tells a dirty joke. However, if you ask me about labor and delivery stuff, or some other type of medical thing, that's when I can finally contribute to the conversation and that is my passion. After 2 years and multiple attempts at explaining this to friends, plus the 20+ years with my family, you would think that they would know!

These people are stealing my innocence. Not cool bro.

Oh man, I went to the mall with my brother and a couple of his friends the other day. They went into this store that has an entire section of "dirty" toys. They were laughing and giggling at pictures of naked women and penis toys while all I could think of was anatomy. They started telling stories and all I could think about was why their story was medically unrealistic. Hookah was brought up and I went on a 5 minutes rant about how it's not actually as safe as they believe it is. I'm broken, I can't even have normal conversations anymore. I now know why nurses ban together and they/we can always find each other regardless of how big a crowd is. I was not expecting this for a few years after graduation from nursing school, but hey, it's here and I think I can live with it.

Foolish Choice

I got invited out tonight! Ya, I was kinda excited and skeptical too. It was just an invitation for my brother and I to go out to dinner at a local wing place so I figured it would be alright. Little did I know that there were other people coming too. They were all nice and friendly, but I am too stinkin' awkward around groups larger than 2. Really, I'm too awkward around anyone but myself... Anyway, I wasn't uncomfortable, but I said probably 10 words the whole night. Fortunately, other people find stuff to talk about all the time so I didn't have to worry about it too bad. I just don't know why I put myself in these situation. The others were also drinking and cursing. They only had a beer, maybe a beer an a half per person. As far as I could tell, they were of age but I don't really know. Drinking doesn't make me uncomfortable, per se, I just never know what to do. Has anyone else noticed that when in college, waiters/waitresses assume you are of age if you have some type of university paraphernalia with you? They typically i.d. before you get alcohol, but it's kinda weird to say that you are not old enough yet. Maybe that's just me.

Folks, I need to get funny and I need to work on my people skills. I promise I'm fine when it's at work. I could find the most random things to say when I'm working to make customers/patients more comfortable. When I am out in the real world, however, I become mute and really observant.

At dinner, it seemed like one of the guys kept looking at me. I'm just making this up right?

Then, as I was driving off, two of the guys that were at dinner were following me on their motorcycles. We stopped at a red light and I get a little nervous/over excited when people I know are behind me. Anyway, I blasted around the left turn and since I was going too fast, I underestimated how sharp the left turn was. I didn't hit anyone, but I veered into the lane of the person turning left beside me. Now I feel foolish because I suck at driving. I'm a girl, though, so can I just blame my poor driving abilities on the extra X chromosome?  Most girls aren't bad drivers though...

Ugh, people drive me crazy and it's mainly my fault.

In other news, I learned how to use an opthalmascope and an otoscope. I got to look into people's eyeballs and ears today! It's more exciting than it sound, but not really.

Someone give me advise on how to stop being weird around people! I wish I were more charismatic and way less foolish, but I'm not. Instead of learning how to be around people, I was busy becoming wise. Was this a mistake?

Another Dilemma... and a Solution

So, for those of you who have read my past posts, you know I was kinda into this guy, who might kinda be into me. If you know this, you likely also know that I was fighting with myself as to what I ought to do about it. Well, I did the wrong thing because it felt good... it doesn't "feel" good anymore. (No, I did not sleep with him, I did not kiss him. My boundaries do include no hugs unless they are side hugs. Also, no laying in the same bed together cuddling. The last two things, the hugs and laying in the same bed, I did allow him to do.) It's not even a big deal, I just have been leading him on in a way by letting him come over a lot. We have spent probably around four hours together every night (except for maybe 2) in the past two weeks since I've gotten back from break. Then, last night I started to get back to being closer with G-d, and everything has changed. I realized that this isn't right when He gave me Proverbs 4:23 to read. I shouldn't be letting this boy push my boundaries, and I should not be leading him on because it will break his heart also leading to my broken heart. Strange how so much pain can come from just having a crush on someone and then calling it off. We aren't even dating and I know this is going to hurt. He has been one of my closest friends since I've started school here and if I have to tell him no, he's probably going to be really sad. And since he is sad, I will be super sad because I hate telling people bad news. It affects me almost more than it affects the person because I don't handle guilt very well.

So, I have come back to the conclusion that I cannot date until junior year, maybe. Still, that depends on if G-d even ever wants me to get married. The boys that have liked me so far are getting closer and closer to the kind of guy that I envisioned for myself, but who's to say that is the type of man G-d wants for me. Or if there even is someone He has picked for me. I don't know what the future holds, all I know is that this newly strengthened resolve is giving me motivation for today and is helping me to get closer to the Creator. Actually, I even have a peace about this whole thing. For week I have been contemplating throwing some boundaries out the window, like dating before junior year. But now, I am a little more sure that I will just have to wait. I trust the L-rd wholly because only He knows what the future holds for any of us. He is my rock, and He has my heart.

That's another thing, I've been thinking about values and how important they are in relationships, especially romantic (I hate that word as much as I hate "feelings") relationships. Lately a few of my friends have had to say no to boys who have been interested in them, simply because they have different values.  We are not to be "unequally yoked" with people who do not believe the same as we do. (This does not mean you cannot be friends with them, because how are they to see the Light if they are not exposed to people who have the Light? It simply means we should not date or marry them because they will have very different values and expectations of the relationship.) How can a relationship work if the foundations of the people in the relationship are completely different? For me, my faith is really important. Also, I love G-d above anyone or anything else, EVER. So, to be contemplating a relationship with someone who does not share the same passion for G-d is a very foolish decision.

Needless to say, I am now trying to figure out how to tell him, should the time come that I have to explain everything. Also, I am trying to figure out how to enforce my boundaries... L-rd willing this whole thing will just blow over and fizzle out, but I don't know how likely that is.

I will try to post again tonight after I spend some time with my Mema, mom, and extended family. My Mema is coming into town today and she is a nurse who is so excited I am going into nursing also. I so respect her and look up to her. She is a woman who has been married and divorced twice because the men did not treat her right. Now, she is independent and I aspire to be like her. She is kind, easy going and a fantastic NICU nurse. Hopefully she won't retire until she can teach me how to be a nurse too!

Uneventful Day

Truly, today was uneventful. I had a quiz in chem that I got a C on, which I am not happy about. Then, psych was funny, but it doesn't seem like it was overly difficult or stressful. Also, I worked out again today! When I "workout" I really just mean I walked on the treadmill for awhile. Today it was 30 minutes and I walked close to 45 minutes Monday. Hopefully these short periods of exercise help or do something good for me.

I have been super distracted lately and not able to keep much focus on anything. I really need to buckle down and start working harder because I already have B's in 2 of my 4 classes and that is so NOT okay. I have A's in the other two so far, but I need to work and keep them A's. These bad grades that I have been getting are so discouraging. I know that I am not working hard enough or smart enough, but once I get into a hole with bad grades, it seems impossible to get out of it to raise my grades again. Thus, starting an ugly cycle of worse and worse grades.

Daily Thanksgiving: Psych was hilarious, chem was kinda easy, I didn't fail my quiz, I hung out a lot with my friends, and I worked out! Though I had some stuff that was weighing heavy on my mind, it seems like today was a good day overall.

By the way, today, I told one of my friends that my birthday was yesterday... the story remains to be continued. We will see if he keeps his promise of not telling anyone about it.

Also, I am starting to think that this dating thing may not be such a difficult thing to do. It's just a lot of talking and hanging out, getting to know each other, right? Maybe some hugs, or kisses (but not for me in my relationships). Perhaps some crisis, meeting the parents and other life events. But for the most part, it seems like a friendship that is more exclusive and it is acceptable to be a pair of people with secrets together and a mutual understanding of what each other think and believe. There is a good chance I am getting this totally wrong, but from my observations, that is a simplistic idea of what dating is. Guys, I really need some input as to what is going on!!!

Dreamin'

Do y'all ever have dreams you wish would not end because they are so fun or something you really wanted to happen? I hate those dreams because I wake up sad that they are not real life. Ok, that was harsh. I actually really like those dreams and I only have a slight dissappointment that they are not real. But for me, it is like watching a love story. You get so involved in what is happening in the movie (or the dream) and then by the time you get back to real life, it is not nearly as exciting or anything like you would have wanted. I believe that the romantic movies, books, songs and ideals that we are being bombarded with (or at least offered) are resulting in unrealistic expectations and ideas when it comes to dating and marriage. I know, this is like the 50th post I have done about this topic, but it's really frustrating to me. If I could choose, I want to go back in time to the late 1800's. At this time, modesty was a requirement for all, food was home-grown, and boys had to ask your parents before they could even court (date) you at all. In that system, the parents were able to consider the boy's parents, his history, schooling, age and so on. Then the parents of the girl used their fully developed prefrontal cortex in order to make an educated decision as to whether or not to let the girl even try to make a relationship work. I know, there were arranged marriages and not everyone was happy. But, dating was not a thing of the heart, it was thought through, discussed and considered by many viewpoints. Ideally, this method would save a lot of heartache because there is little chance for the girl or boy to date 25 people by the time they are 18.

Perhaps, I should just make myself stop dreaming... Just like I can make myself avoid chick-flicks, romance novels, country music and so forth. I could just make myself stop dreaming and day-dreaming to avoid my own mental role-playing games of what I wish would happen. Of course, this is likely impossible, so off to the drawing board I go in hopes of becoming less cynical and depressed over stuff that has not happened.

Daily Thanksgiving: I get to teach my friend how to drive stick-shift today and I have all day to clean and study! That really is a thanksgiving because I don't have school thrown in the mix. Also, HESI studying is not as bad as I thought it would be, it is just tedious and I don't take the HESI for a few more months but I am getting started early which should help me out a little.

Falling Fast

Have you ever had those times when you can't fall asleep because your brain won't shut up? I'm having a season of this, but it's not fully unwelcome. Somehow I even wake up and I'm not super exhausted because I wake up thinking about what I fell asleep thinking about. Which, by the way, is not something... it's someone. All of my efforts to not fall for anyone, not even a crush, until junior year is not working so well. While that sucks, it still makes me happy to think about him and hang out with him. I can't explain it, but I can look into his eyes and be comfortable. He knows most of my faults, he knows my quirks, he knows my past, yet he is comfy. I don't shy away from his help, in fact he is one of the only people I actually ask for help from. His arms hold a peace and he knows how to get me to laugh when I am really down. He doesn't push my boundaries as other guys have when they showed interest in me and that is huge for me. While he does not know I may be having a bad day, he knows how to turn my day around. What is this?

Here I am, gushing like a little girl about a guy. It makes want to gag and dance all at the same time. Feelings are not something I like, but, in the words of The Band Perry, "he is hip to my heart". If this is something more than just a crush, I know we are in the beginning stages, but it seems that this is what people look for. Ideally you are supposed to marry your best friend right? This is so different from my crushes in the past, this is not awkward, it's not going past my boundaries, he does not pressure me or put me down. He jokes with me, makes me want to be kinder and improve myself so I am congruent with G-d's desires for how people should act. I want to be more outgoing and share everything about my day with him. I constantly want to let him know what's going on and hang out with him. This seems like how a true life-long relationship would/should start. Weirder still than all of my fears of relationships is my lack of fear now.

Times like this make me want to know if it is a waste of time to be so focused on a person. I want to know if I will ever get married. I want to meet my husband and start to get to know him. I want to know how G-d has planned my life and what life will be like. I do not want to be spending so much time thinking about boys (which I do not do often) if I am never going to get married because I could be focusing on school or something else. At the same time, I know G-d reveals all things on His time and it is fun to have the surprise of what G-d is bringing into my life. Still, I am frustrated not knowing if I am wasting my time because I cannot focus on anything. I think I may be falling for this boy, just a little...

Lazy Day

Shabbat Shalom! Well, it's the end of Shabbat, but doesn't hurt to say it.

Today was beautiful. It feels like spring even though we just had a blizzard a few days ago and they are calling for another one tonight. It doesn't look like it will snow, and I sure hope it doesn't because I have work at 6:30 tomorrow morning. Even with the beautiful weather, I stayed in my dorm room and relaxed all day. Read the Torah, Haftarah and Brit Haddasha portions this morning, then relaxed. I cannot imagine life without Sabbath anymore. It is truly a day when I am able to renew my strength for the coming week. For those of you who do not have a true day of rest, seriously consider taking it up. It was commanded as a day to restore and rejuvenate us, why not obey G-d and benefit from the blessing of Shabbat?

Update on my friend: He may be upset with me now, or I may be over-thinking everything. Nothing happened, we were just texting and I sent something that was improperly worded, but when I apologized, he didn't seem to know what I was talking about... I don't know what's going on. But it has made me think and rethink my plans for marriage and dating. These plans are super conservative and old-fashioned. I want my future boyfriend to ask my dad before he takes me on a date or even asks me out. He also must be friend first. I want to wait to have our first kiss at our wedding. I do not want to ever date anyone that is not serious about G-d. My future boyfriend/husband truly has to be in love with G-d before he can even think about me. I want him to go to G-d for everything, and be more in love with Ad-nai than he is with me. I do not want to start dating until junior year at the earliest and I don't plan to get married until I am graduated from college. These conditions/desires are just the tip of the iceberg. they may seem unrealistic and absurd, but these are things I believe have been pressed upon my heard by Ha-Shem (look up the meaning of this name for G-d, it's really cool!). These are ways to insure the purity and safety of my heart. They are also to ensure that the man I end up dating and possibly marrying, is the one that G-d has chosen for me.

Daily Thanksgiving: It's short and sweet today... I am thankful for Shabbat and G-d's protection over every part of me, especially my heart.