Life Insurance

I got to spend some time with boyfriend/fiance this weekend. He went out on Halloween and called me for a ride because he had had a few too many drinks. That's cool, I offered the ride to him because there are a ridiculous amount of cops out to catch people having a little "too much fun" and then choosing to drive. I get it, they're trying to keep the roads safe. Unfortunately, most of the cops I saw had pulled people over for speeding while I saw several drunk drivers with no cops around. Seriously, priorities people! Whatever, it's not my job and I can't tell other people how to do their jobs because I hate people telling me how to do mine.

Anyway, fiance and I were talking and he told me he put me on his life insurance. He told me if he dies, he wants me to buy a nice house, a nice truck, and he wants me to go travel the world with the money. I asked when he put me on his policy and he told me it was a couple weeks ago. A couple weeks ago we were broken up... So I asked if I was put on before or after the break-up, he told me he put me on it during the time we weren't together. Hmmm, that's kind of interesting. He says he was hoping we would get back together so he put me on it anyway. It's sweet, but it's almost like he doesn't believe I was serious. I know that I can walk away and be absolutely fine. I need him to realize that because maybe he will realize that I'm not a puppet and I do have my own needs as a human being.

He's getting better at listening to me, sometimes. Other times we get in fights, but when he gets upset with me, I am actually able to start telling him exactly what is on my mind because I am thinking of replies to him before I see him.

He keeps asking when the wedding is because we had originally planned on getting married in June of 2016. He's not super happy that we will be waiting another year (2017) or two but I need the time to see if we will work out. I can see him trying to fix his life, but I honestly know that it's not going to change unless he finds the L-rd but he is angry with G-d for taking his wife away. I get it. I'm angry that my purity was allowed to be stolen when G-d could have done something, anything, to be able to save me from that. However, I have to trust that there was a reason that it was allowed and I have to have hope that someday, the L-rd will restore my purity and make me whole. I have hope that He will forgive me and allow me to be able to spend eternity with Him. Honestly, the only thing keeping me going right now is a hope that someday, I won't have to remember any of this and that I will make it to eternity and not have to be here anymore. It's a small thing to grasp onto, but it's all I have right now.

I watched The Fault In Our Stars. Poor choice to watch when depressed and already sad (I watched it during my break-up with fiance). Oh my goodness, I cried for the rest of the day. It brought back to mind my funeral plans and what I want to be said about me when I go. All I want is to be remembered for forgiving when everyone around me thinks its crazy. I want to be remembered as being dependable, sweet, kind, patient, and good with old people and children. I want to be remembered as being a friend to those who don't have friends, even when it might be painful for me because at least then they have someone. It would be nice to be remembered, but I have no idea how/if I will be remembered. That's sometimes a little scary, but it is what it is. The reason I thought about all of this is because of the eulogy scene where the guy that is sick decides that he wants to hear the eulogies that he asked his friends to prepare. I want to hear what people would say in my eulogies, but I don't really want eulogies at my funeral and not many people have the chance to be able to attend their funeral before they die.

So, that is where I'm at.

Rejuvinated

Shabbat Shalom!

Today I went to shul (congregation), for the first time in a month and it was so good. G-d let the worship team sing some of my all-time favorite songs and I found out that I will be done with school by their Shavuot celebration so I get to dance with the dance team!!! I have missed dancing so much, and I didn't even do it all that much. But for some reason, it gets out in physical form what I want to do when worshiping. I can't really explain it, but oh how I love to dance! Only Davidic dancing, not slow dancing or prom dancing or anything, only the stuff for worship. Do me a favor and look up Davidic dancing or messianic worship dancing, or something about Hebrew dances or anything like that. Truly, if more churches danced the way David did, I think we would be better at expressing ourselves and our love for G-d because it doesn't matter what we look like, so long as we are giving G-d praise with every fiber, cell, atom of our being. Also, every since I saw Prince of Egypt by Dreamworks, I wanted to dance like they danced at that dinner party. Now I do! You have no idea how excited I was when I first went to our congregation and realized I could potentially dance like they danced.

Anyway, it was an excellent Shabbat. G-d made a lot of stuff a whole lot  clearer, I am on my way to getting right with Him and I pray that He will handle my life. Lately, I have been trying to figure life out which always gets me into trouble. I need to rely solely on Him, because when I do, He allows everything else to fall into place and He even improves my grades when I focus on Him and not necessarily on school. Foolish me, I had to try to drive the car of my life again. Unfortunately, I don't think I will ever be able to fully relinquish all of my life for the rest of my life, without trying to take control of stuff again, because I'm human. By the time He is in full control, I will likely be home with Him. But, for right now, I have Shalom. This peace that I have not felt in such a long time, and joy; both came over me today in worship and it was like a cold drink of water on a scorching hot day. A cool, sweet breeze in the midst of hot, muggy weather. My worries are at rest tonight and my brain is free for the first time in months. Life is never too much for G-d to handle and He performs miracles, some that we don't even see, every day. He is to incredible, gracious, holy, mighty and gentle.

Daily Thanksgiving: I was able to go to shul and dance today. I found out I get to be home for Shavuot (more on what that is to come). G-d provides me with the desires of my heart like dancing, the songs I love, and so much more. He has given me peace and rest from the worries and anxiety I bring on myself. He is so great and merciful and amazing. I had a wonderful day. Also, he brought me home safe and He brought me back to school safely!

Just Another Day In Paradise

Finished out another day of work. Thankfully, today the CNA stayed with me all day and we were behind, but it wasn't terrible. The residents, on the other hand, were off the wall active today. I don't know what's going on, it's not even a full moon yet!!! Guys, it's getting really hard to be at this job. It seems like I fail everyday because I am slow and I don't know what I am doing at all. Well, that's not totally true, I do kinda know what I am doing... sometimes. Anyway, I will count it as a good day despite the scratches, bruises, pain, frustration and disappointment.

On the other hand, I absolutely love the LPN that was working today. She is always so sweet and she saw that we were behind, likely because of me, and so she took all of the vitals we needed done for the day. If only there were something I could do for her, she is always offering me lunch, fixing my mistakes and offering advice and encouragement. This lady is just such a great nurse and LPN, I am so very thankful for her.

4 days left until spring break! My spring break will consist of studying, hanging out with friends and sleeping but it will be a nice break despite the uneventful week. Then I just have a month and a half left of my first year of school. That means... I am nearly a quarter of the way to being a nurse!!! Even though this job makes me feel like I cannot do anything right, I think that I have potential to be a good nurse. I care a lot, maybe too much, which is why I am slow. But I know that G-d can teach me to be an awesome nurse and He will guide my life.

By the way, my birthday is coming up. I won't say when, because I despise birthdays, but it seemed like I needed to tell someone besides just my family. Does anyone else hate birthdays? I don't like getting older, I do not like the attention and I do not like the pressure people put on you to make all the decisions just because you evacuated your mother's uterus that same date a few years earlier. Maybe I am just too negative. Actually, I am pretty sure I am, but I am working on it. Nonetheless, I highly dislike birthdays. It seems everything goes wrong that day. I've called into the principle's office, been yelled at, been forgotten, and tons of other bad things have happened, always on my birthday. So, please forgive me for not being excited about the aging process, I just don't see a need to commemorate the anniversary of another year that I did not live up to my expectations (or anyone else's for that matter).

Daily Thanksgiving: You know, it occurred to me I forgot yesterday's thanksgiving. Well, yesterday I was super thankful for Shabbat, a day of rest. I slept in and relaxed and did nothing all day. Today I am thankful for my LPN, the CNA that worked with me today, the fact that I don't have to work for nearly 3 weeks now, I get spring break in 4 days and for my friends and family. Plus, I love Pandora, it helps me get my mind off things when I need a break. Pandora radio is good stuff.


Just an update about my anatomy tests that I took last week: I got a B on both the lecture exam and the lab practical. I thought I would do better, but hey, G-d gave me good grades for both and I am grateful for that. Next time I will work for A's again and, L-rd willing, I will actually get A's.

Permission to Speak

Does anyone else have days when you wish you weren't aloud to speak because what you say is just kinda random and out of place? I have that kind of day nearly every day. I think it's because I zone out, or cannot hear someone during the conversation. I then proceed to "add" to the conversation, but end up looking like a fool because what I say is totally off topic and random. Sometimes, I think it would be nice if I had a muzzle and was not allowed to talk without a review board looking over every word I plan to say before a sound is uttered from my lips. By the time the statement is processed, it would still be off topic because the conversation would have moved on by then... I am just a slow thinker, which comes in really unfortunate when I try to be witty or when I am trying to make my argument face-to-face with someone because I think of what to say hours or even days later. When I bring up the conversation again, they look at me like I'm nuts and they probably wonder why they are my friend in the first place. Whatever, I make myself laugh and I know I could have won the argument!

Recently I watched a sermon on YouTube from a Messianic Rabbi. He was talking about gossip, slanderous speech, and other things I am very guilty of (including listening to music that is not of G-d, which came out of no-where but was something G-d was already talking to me about).  Most of these things had to do with the need to control our tongue, it was very interesting and touched my heart profoundly. Isn't it crazy how Ad-nai impressing things upon our hearts, then goes on to reinforce His message in a bunch of seemingly unrelated ways. That's when I know He is talking to me most times, because the same lesson and solution keep coming up in most/all aspects of my life. This controlling my tongue thing is really tough. I have made it a point to try to not slander people, and I have been really working on that for a couple years. But I have learned I still gossip and contribute to the gossiping nature in others, even just by letting them vent. While they are venting, however, there may be some personal attacks or other things said that are not life-promoting words. When this happens, and I do not speak life about the person being gossiped or talked about, it is causing damage to them because of the power in words. This power reaches beyond the emotional hurt someone may feel when the news gets back to them, it really seems to be a way Satan spreads his mischief in this world. So, I need accountability partners. If you comment or email me, I can give you the link to the video I watched, it was really powerful. But I need help. I need to be able to be told when I am talking poorly about others. Even talking about my residents and the CNA's that help train me with anything less of complete respect is wrong of me to do. I should be speaking life about them and over them. We should be speaking life about everyone and if there is no life or good things to be said... then nothing should be said at all. So, is there anyone out there willing to help keep me accountable for my speech?

Daily Thanksgiving: Today got warmer. I had an easy day and I also got to spend time with my friends. Nothing big, but even when we do not see anything "big" happen in our lives, G-d is still working miracles, He just hasn't shown them to us yet. I also got to go to lunch with my nursing mentor, who is also my mentor for youth group/Bible study here on campus. I don't know what to call it, but it is like youth group. I am so thankful for her kindness. It is not easy to be friends with me sometimes, just because I am not great at keeping conversations going (though I really do try) and I need more time alone than the average person, so people think I am antisocial. Friends really do make me happy, I just need smaller, less frequent doses than most other people. But she has really been persistent and G-d is teaching me so much through her, not just about nursing school or my relationship with Him. He is teaching me how to branch out and show who He is in more aspects of my life.

Major Problems, HELP!

So, y'all know my stories about guys asking me out... over texts so far. These guys always do this stuff and just plumb blindside me! Well, seeing as you guys all know me so well, I need some help. It seems as though another guys is starting to develop a crush on me. Again, it's one of my super close guy friends and I just don't know what to do. I was doing fine, I was finally content being single and I am convinced I do not want a boyfriend until I am at least a junior or senior and no marriage until I graduate. Now, out of the blue, my friend started being sweet to me. Lets just go over what happened tonight:

So he asked if I wanted to go to dinner with him. This is not unusual because we live on campus and a bunch of us often text and plan meals together, so I thought it was just going to be a normal night. Turns out, he only asked me. Then at dinner, he asked what I was doing before he came over and got me, I told him I was working on chemistry. He responded with: "I think we have some chemistry goin' on right here!" It was in a joking voice, but something seems different. Then he came over to my room and hung out for awhile, which doesn't happen often, but is not super strange.

Please tell me I am just reading too much into this. He keeps giving me hugs, which is actually really strange because he knows I hate hugs, but he says he is trying to melt my heart. Oh gosh, I can't do this! He knows my stories about the guys that have asked me out over text and asked me if he asked me out in person what I would say. I told him I didn't know and changed the subject really fast. Guys, I can't lose another friend this way. What is it that I'm doing wrong to ruin all of these friendships because they develop a crush? Maybe I need to get some medicine to stop my pheromones or something.

On the plus side, it seems like we may have a snow day tomorrow... AT COLLEGE!!! It's like a blizzard outside and I have heard forecasts of snow from 3-9 inches, but we are already at 3 inches and it is coming down so thick that I cannot hardly see lights 30-50 yards away, though they would normally be super clear.

Daily thanksgiving: I am thankful for my friends. I am thankful that G-d has saved my heart and myself from getting too hurt and for keeping me from boyfriend relationships. I am also thankful for the snow. Snow reminds me of the way G-d washes all our sins away and starts again with a fresh slate. When the snow melts, the dirt just drains off with the water and the earth is "cleaner" than it was before with each snow storm. I am also thankful for G-d's provisions and answer to prayers, He will show me what to do. Funny how this is the biggest dilemma I am currently faced with even though I am taking A&P, chem, and psych (3 sciences) and I am trying to get into nursing school. But, Ad-nai is faithful, and so very kind and He works all things for the good of those who love Him. He is my love, He is my husband and the only one I will ever be able to fully rely on.

Minor Celebrations

With school, I get really excited when I do well, and I get slightly upset when I do not do well. So, I usually celebrate little accomplishments, like getting A's and 100% on tests and quizzes. Since I was kinda down on myself for getting a B and a C on my first two A&P Exams of the semester, I would like to share that I got 100% percent on my chem quiz! It's something small, but it's so great to be able to celebrate minor accomplishments when they do occur. So what are your minor accomplishments today? Do you care to share? I would love to celebrate with you!

That is also my thanksgiving today, that I did well on my chem quiz. Also, the fact that I have amazing friends who are supporting me now more than ever since I am in my own room now. I have never found other people so genuinely happy for me now that I am able to be comfortable and happy in my own space. If you have amazing friends out there supporting you, thank them for it. Give them hugs (if that's your thing and if they are cool with it), give them candy, send a thank-you note, do something to tell them how much you appreciate them. Now, if you do not have amazing friends that support you like this, don't worry, just pray about it. That's how G-d brought my friends into my life, and these people understand me, they are my kind of people. But if you go out and look for them, you may not be able to find them. Just pray, and watch how G-d works, He will bring you the right people.

Wonderful Work Day! Who knew it could be fun?

Oh man, I had the best day yesterday! I was behind, and I am still super green. Plus I always feel so bad for the people that have to work with me because I get so behind, but I got to work with my favorite CNA yesterday! She used to be a biology teacher, but now she is a CNA while she goes back to school for nursing. This lady is a true blessing. She lets me learn on my own and she explains all the tricks and tips she has picked up over the years from working there. Most CNA's just do everything for you when you are new, that is really not good because then you don't get to develop your own rhythm and method for everything. So even though I had a tough day and I got us an hour behind, I learned so much and really enjoyed my day at work. That's a first, normally I go home exhausted and on the verge of breaking down. It gets so bad, I often wonder what I was thinking becoming a CNA and I want to quit even though I have only been there a month. It's a really hard, demanding job, but it is one that is truly satisfying. Plus, I have the best "work mama" (that's what I call this amazing CNA) a new CNA could ask for, she has truly taken me under her wing and is so very gracious to me in this learning experience.

So, my thanksgiving today is that G-d allowed me to meet my new work mama. She makes me not be so homesick, she makes work enjoyable and I just can't say enough about how great she is. I am truly blessed to have such incredible people that G-d puts into my life!

AHHHHHHHH!

 Today was NUTS at work. We had a digger, who also fell. First she dug out the solid contents of her disposable undergarments, then decided to have a little art session. Then, she somehow ended up on the floor from her wheelchair. Another lady, also in a wheelchair, would not stand up when she asked to use the bathroom, so she decided to sit on the floor also. The second lady did not fall, and we are not entirely sure if the first patient fell for sure. But it was crazy. Both incidences happened withing ten minutes of each other. Plus, I was the only CNA on the unit because we only have 2 CNA's per unit (max of 16 patients per floor) and I am brand-new. Now, I am not a crier, especially in front of others, but I almost lost it at work. But folks, we have the sweetest RN's and LPN's ever. They have made it so that I can survive work because work turns into a battle field when I get there. I do not know what it is about me, but the residents go wild. It's days like this that I wonder why I am a CNA, I wanted to become an EMT. However, I was trying to be concurrently enrolled in high school and I was too young for EMT classes. But I think these lessons are better learned now that when I become an RN with my BSN. It will be a tough road and I will constantly be learning, but this is the road G-d has allowed me to go down and I will take what He sends my way.

Daily Thanksgiving: Today, we had an awesome meeting at work. We talked about state compliance with safety procedures or something like that, which sounds boring but all we really did was practice using a "Hoyer" life, a "Sit-to-Stand" lift and a gait belt on our supervisors. This brought me back to the fun we had in CNA school doing this stuff to each other. I am thankful for the fun that we had at the meeting, the "ice-breaking" it allowed, and also my amazing supervisors! I have never been so thankful for LPN's and RN's that are so genuinely kind, gracious and understanding of how hard being a CNA is. I have heard stories of how RN's treat their CNA's, but at my facility, they are the kindest people I have ever had the pleasure of working with. Along with the relationships with the patients, these LPN's and RN's make it worth while to come to work. I don't care a lot about the paycheck, just let me watch this amazing nursing staff do what they do best.

*Disclaimer: I have not told the names of the patients or facility and I have slightly fudged on the events that took place to maintain patient confidentiality. No HIPAA rules broken.*

Does anyone else have horror stories from brutal days at work? Does anyone else have stories about amazing nursing staff or coworkers in general? Please share, I would love to hear them!