Small Victories

I went out tonight, in celebration of St. Patrick's Day! There is a "hole in the wall" Irish Pub over yonder in College Town that I have begun frequenting because it is laid back and they have karaoke. Oh my gosh, so fun! Also so much better than the typical country bars I go to because people are more genuine at this new place. They wear their skater/hipster/preppy/jock/country clothes and just roll with it because they are just chill and there to hang out with friends. At the country bars, it is expected that you wear "country" clothing regardless of whether you've ever mounted a horse, shot a gun, or even driven on a dirt road for more than a quarter mile.

Honestly, from where I'm from, most guys dress the cowboy part but are not even close! They look mighty good in their freshly shined boots, clean little cowboy hat, and snap button shirts. However, they don't know that girls who are looking for a real country boy are looking for mud on the boots, wranglers with grease stains that are stacked at the bottoms, and dust on the hats. They may or may not be in a snap button shirt, depending on whether they are trying to dress up or not. Typically, to go out, true country boys will be in a greasy ball cap and t-shirt with the jeans stacked on top of muddy boots. They are simple things, but those of use who know anything can tell. Also seeing the "cowboys" climb into a prius at the end of the night tends to give them away...

Anywho, this post is about tonight's adventure. I went with Best Friend and a bunch of his work friends to the Irish Pub. He is actually the one to introduce me to the place to begin with! Anyway, I show up alone and go in to find him. Little did I know that his "couple of work friends" meant a solid 10 people! My goodness! Oh well, the more the merrier. He and I talked the most along with one of our other friends from freshman year of college. The three of us went on a lot of adventures back in the day and are still really good at just being able to chill and they let me be one of the guys. So, whatever.

Within about 10 minutes of me being there, after all of the introductions, this one guy starts talking to me. He starts with the normal, "hey, how are you?" kinda questions. I didn't think much of it because he was part of Best Friend's group and I figured he was just trying to be friendly. He ended up giving me one of his green necklaces (even though I was wearing green already) and we continued on. A group of my friends from nursing school showed up and got a table near the one I was already at. So, I floated between the two. Eventually, the guy kept talking with me. He asked me to play skeeball with him, bought me a drink (though I fully expected to pay for my own), and continued to talk with me. Fine, whatever, he's probably just being nice and making conversation.

He ended up giving me his number. At the end of the night, he asked for mine. I was a little tipsy, but with it enough that I recalled what I told myself I would tell guys when they asked... "I don't give out my number at bars." He started guilt tripping me saying he bought me a drink, played skeeball, and all this other stuff. He said he wasn't like other guys and asked for my number again. I said no. He said, "then, can I give you mine?" I told him he already had on a ticket because he wrote it out and put the ticket on my keys. I picked it up and put it in my pocket, not knowing what it was. Best Friend told me later what it was and I decided to keep it just in case. After talking with the guys, I think it's a definite no-go.

Honestly, dude, if you want a girl to go on a date with you and actually get to know you to be able to date, then you shouldn't be so pushy. Believe it or not, we don't like that!

Anyway, he spent the next hour trying to convince me that he was a good guy, that he was thinking I'm pretty, and pulling all the stops to convince me that I should give him a shot. Oh my gosh, I spent the whole hour pointing out the ways his story didn't add up, the ways he was tyring to build himself up but how it didn't work with me, and also discecting his dirty joke and asking why he would tell a "Jewish Church-girl" a dirty joke like the one he had. For the first time in my life, I got to purposely make a guy squirm!!! He was so sure of himself at the beginning, thinking he was making me laugh and thinking he could get me because I look dumb and sweet.

Sorry Honey, but I'm not really sorry that I'm putting you in your place. Don't expect every girl to fall at your feet when you are blatantly flirting with a girl right next to me all night when you don't know what else to say to me! Good heavens, let's use a little bit of brains here, huh?

Regardless, I shut down an "ex-fiance-like" guy... IN PERSON!!! I have done it online or softly over text, but never in person. I usually get scared and don't want to hurt the guy's feelings but hey, they don't care about mine. They just want to get laid and I'm not the one they are going to find that satisfaction from.

So, that is my little victory for the day. I win against some asshole playa guy that thought he was so smooth all night. I ended up showing him I'm not as dumb as I look and that I'm small, but I can stand on my own two feet.

Praise the L-rd for me thinking about how I would respond to a guy in a bar before having to live through it. Also, Praise the L-rd for the slight buzz that allowed me to answer without having to actually think about what I was saying and also allowing me to not be super concerned with hurting the guy's feelings. I know it sounds mean, but he was looking for a one-night-stand. He was not looking to get to know me and to be nice to me and treat me well for the rest of our lives. He's looking for immediate gratification. I'm not falling for it and, unfortunately for him, I got to unleash the anger and sassy remarks I've been saving up for months on him.

I go to bed feeling empowered and hoping I can continue on to have strength to face each day because I'm taking life day-by-day at the moment. Actually, it's day-by-day on god days. Most of the time it's more of a moment-by-moment situation.

Goodnight!

Suicide Anniversary

Friends, I have made it a year since Country Boy committed suicide. Granted, I didn't learn about it until April 9, but we are celebrating me surviving a very rough year in my life.

I want to hang out with people today to keep my mind occupied but everybody's busy. Oh well, I'm surviving the day and only cried for about 30 seconds twice. That's pretty good!

I was told today by Beauty that I am made of "wife material". What is that? She said that because every guy that goes out with me is convinced he needs to marry me. Is that just because that's what guys do or is that because of me? Boyfriend told me I'm the best girlfriend he's had (out of 3-4 before me) but I don't know what that means either.

We got to go shooting this weekend and out of like 20-30 clays that we launched, I hit one. ONE! That's terrible! The first time I went shooting I hit all but 2-3 out of 20. Good gracious I've gotten worse. I also got to help feed the cows! Oh my gosh, I love cows. There are new little babies that are only about a week old and they get so excited they start running around with each other for no reason. So cute! They gave me cow kisses. I like cow kisses. The older ones also follow me around and that was even before I gave them cake/treats! Ugh, I just cannot get enough of them.

Also, I got a letter in the mail today telling me I got a scholarship for $3500! I wish I would have applied to more last year because this scholarship is usually not given for more than about $1000-$2000 so maybe I could have gotten a lot more help last year and stayed out of such huge debt. Oh well, the L-rd will provide for me to get out of my crazy debt. Yay! In order to get the scholarship, I even had to have an interview. Since I was at clinicals the only day they had the interviews, they ended up allowing me to have a phone interview. I was so scared they didn't like me or that they weren't happy about having to do it over the phone but they gave me such a big award. L-rd willing I will get lots of other scholarships and maybe be able to start paying off some of my interest on the unsubsidized loans I've had to take out.

So, my rough day is getting better and I'm much stronger than I was a year ago. My life has changed dramatically from that point. Granted, I thought my world was turned upside down because Brother told me he was moving out, a week later I broke up with the boy I was "trying" a relationship with, and then Country Boy killed himself a week after the break up. That on top of a very long, really bad bout with depression, two jobs, and a general life meltdown, I was not in a good place at all.

Confessions of a College Prude, Part 2

Lately, in my life, there has been an abundance of sex talk. It's getting on my nerves, to be honest because nobody is discussing the desire to refrain from it but merely rumors and desires to take part in it.

There have been stories of people losing their virginity in middle school. Many conversations about "numbers" (the amount of people individuals have slept with. Some people have begun describing in vivid detail certain acts or positions. Still others discuss their sadness that they have not yet given themselves entirely over to another person in that way. Most of these conversations were cut short on my end because I proceeded to plug my ears and began humming in order to drown out the information being presented.

I don't want to know the details of acts, or numbers, or anything else that I do not need to know about sex! In my book, I need to know that: 1) it's how you get babies, STD's, funky rashes, and other various conditions that one may find themselves in that require medical treatment, 2) there are psychological and emotional scars that can develop, 3) THAT I DO NOT NEED TO BE PARTAKING IN THESE ACTIONS UNTIL I AM MARRIED!!! That is it! All other information simply chips away at my dwindling innocence and causes me to have nightmares and panic attacks (on a regular basis).

My dating/marriage rules are strict, I understand that. However, those rules only apply to myself, I do not expect anyone else to follow them. If they don't follow them, I simply ask that all conversations about sex be held until I am out of hearing range. People cease cussing due to simple requests, is it too much to ask that inappropriate talk be held too?

It was brought to my attention that one of my friends is not pleased with the amount of physical contact they have had with the opposite gender. This conversation was light and was mostly about kissing and holding hands which are both okay for me to discuss with people because those are "normal" dating practices that are mostly started when dating anybody (with me and maybe a handful of others in the exception). When talking about these things, though, most people don't realize that I abstain from these little gestures as well. This may have a large part to do with my tongue ring, which I have been informed is used for unsavory acts of the sexual nature (things that I do not partake in). So people begin talking about these things and they haven't known me long enough to know that I am saving hand holding for my engagement, or kissing and beyond for when I am married.

Bringing this up with other people has proven slightly foolish in my experience because my closest friends and mentors all advise me to not wait for these things. I was encouraged and told that "it would be highly unlikely for me to be in a relationship with someone I really liked without kissing them." Yes, it will be hard, but that doesn't mean that it is bad. I am not forcing these rules on anyone else and I understand that if G-d sends along someone who I really like and who really likes me, there will be a pull for physical contact like kissing and hand-holding. However, by saving these little gestures, it's not going to cause any harm to me or my beloved. We won't get an STD or become pregnant before marriage, we won't become ill or suffer any psychological issues by waiting either. Why, then, is everyone counseling me to just go ahead a kiss whatever guy comes along? Why are they encouraging me to date, just to get the first one out of the way? I "tried" that, it was one of the biggest regrets of my life because I don't want to date just anybody, I wanted to wait until it seemed like the L-rd was guiding us both into the relationship instead of me getting talked into it by someone who had put me up on an unrealistic, unhealthy pedestal.

Seriously, the most waiting could do is make me become a cat lady. Which would make my death folder come in mighty handy because I am allergic to cats and they would likely suffocate me in my sleep.

You know what makes me the most sad? I feel embarrassed discussing these things with people because I have gotten such negative reactions from them so far. Some of my friends have decided they are going to take me to a bar, try to get me drunk, and then attempt to talk guys into making out with me. There are so many holes in that plan, but it bugs me that my closest friends can't just leave me be. It's not they are intervening for self-destructive behavior, they are attempting to make me do things that I don't want to do but that aren't causing harm to anyone. My mentors have continuously told me that it is okay to kiss boys and I shouldn't go any farther than I am comfortable with, but that lines should be past the hand-holding/kissing/cuddling things to really only prevent "real sex" from occurring until marriage. It's almost like skinny shaming where people tell thin people to go eat a hamburger or gain some weight even though the person is not anorexic or bolimic or anything else unhealthy.

I want another chance with this kid. I want to explain that while many people lose their virginity or hold a lot of emphasis on getting to a certain point in their physical relationship, that is not the general consensus among everyone. Yes, it may seem like everyone is sleeping around and has done more than you, but that's just because the people that hold-off are either not talking about not doing anything or they are getting drowned out by the people with the crazy hook-up stories. I just want to explain that this tongue ring was an attempt to not go back down my self-harm path that I have a history of. I want to explain why I am choosing to not kiss or hold hands right now. I want to explain that I am in the minority, but I CHOSE to be in the minority and it's not as small of a group as it may seem. Oh I pray I get the chance and I pray that this person is receptive!

Confessions of a College Prude, Part 1

So I recently tried hookah. Before you go off and tell me it's a bad idea and causes cancer and blah, blah, blah, just wait because I know. I glanced at the evidence based articles before and after. They all say it's a bad idea. Okay, I know.

Anyway, I tried it because I am full of bad ideas and my brother and his roommates have all the stuff. I find it pointless. We only had the "herbal" stuff in it so there is not supposed to be a high or anything and I didn't get high. There wasn't tobacco or weed in it either, don't worry. I'm just confused why it's even a thing if there is no drug effect.

I am not supporting the use of illegal or legal drugs just to get "high" or whatever other effect they may have besides for medical purposes (yes, I know that is worded poorly, but I only advocate using prescription drugs for their intended purposes and not abusing them. That's what I wanted to say but couldn't...) But, why spend all this money just to have smoke enter your lungs?

Maybe it is just me, but I don't like doing things that don't have an apparent purpose. Therefore, personally, smoking hookah does not seem logical. If you have weed in it then you will get high. Okay, it makes sense why people do that. If you have tobacco in it then... you get a little buzz? I don't know why you do tobacco, but people have been smoking cigars/cigarettes for years so there must be something that they like in those so okay, they are getting some kind of physiological effect. Are they having no "drug" in the hookah and partaking in the smoking just to do tricks with their exhaled smoke? This seems pointless. Again, I'm not trying to attack anyone, I'm just trying to understand reasoning.

Any information that you are willing to contribute to my knowledge will be greatly appreciated!

Can I rant again?

After several months of searching my town for a new and cheaper housing option with my new roommate, we came up empty. Instead,  we decided to stay at the apartment I had shared with my brother just so that we would have a place that was permanent.

I like this apartment but they jacked up the prices WAY too much! At first they wanted me to go from $845/month to $970/month. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?! Seriously, what makes them believe they are ever going to get that amount? That's just insane, especially considering that they were only going to charge $940 for a brand new renter to start a lease.

We waited a few months and looked around until they came down to $930 and I convinced them to let me sign for that new signers amount. I had called to renew and then they emailed me to confirm our conversation. That email got "lost" for a few weeks and they called me in a panic saying they were going to make me pay about $1080 a month if I didn't call back to tell them to renew the lease. Ridiculous. In that time, however, the price of my apartment dropped again by another $25-30.

I checked online to make sure and then I asked them in the email what the going rate was for at that time. They told me I would be able to renew @ $970 again. No, that's not happening. So I forwarded the email that confirmed my price without wanting to fight them anymore and realized right after I signed the lease that I should have called in (but I was camping and had no service in addition to it being a weekend after the office was already closed) and gotten them to give me the $905 it was being advertised for on their site.

Promptly after realizing that, I emailed them to ask why they didn't inform me of the actual price and gave me a grossly inflated price. That was about a week ago and they still have not replied.

Now I am just ridiculously angry and they are fixin' to get the gnarly end of a strongly worded phone call. Well, I say that but I can never be angry on the phone because I don't like to frustrate other people or hurt their feelings. But it is not okay to be taking advantage of people just because you assume they don't know any better than the information you give them!

I am so tired of people taking advantage of me. Praise the L-rd that He is teaching me how to stand up for myself while still being nice and considerate and not just a raging lunatic. The stress in my life was overwhelming before and now it is just absolutely unbearable. Summer is not supposed to be like this!!!

IT on pause

Today was my last day working my IT job for the summer and possibly forever. It is so surreal that I have finished my second year of college (well, one more final tomorrow) and I am finished with one school-year of working as an IT person. Not quite sure if it is good or bad yet, we shall see.

In light of it being my last day, I would like to tell y'all a funny story. Well, it's kinda funny... for me...

One of my friends that works IT with me asked me to a party this Friday. He was telling me how great it would be and it's all in his apartment complex. I said "no" just flat out. There was a smile on my face but I told him no. He and his friend continued on about how fun it would be and yada, yada, yada. Then he asked if I was single. He has a girlfriend so he wasn't asking for himself. Turns out he has a friend who is Messianic who was going to be at the party and my friend was absolutely convinced I needed to go so that I could possibly meet this fellow. I told them no because I am ridiculously awkward and I was planning on getting my tongue pierced so I would be unable to speak. Then they tried for 10 minutes trying to convince me that I am not awkward because I wear cowboy boots to school and they don't know anybody in cowboy boots that are awkward... Yikes, these boys just haven't spent enough time with me. That and they are both really charismatic which means they could have a conversation with a rock and the rock would talk back and none of the conversation would be awkward.

My mom laughed at that story for like 5 minutes...

Happy Finals Week everyone. Finish strong! I believe in you.

Piercings

About a month ago I started thinking about what it would be like to have a nose ring. It's in the Bible that ladies back in the Old Testament had nose rings sometimes. So, I looked into it a bit more and Jewish law has nothing against piercings. Then a couple of weeks ago I brought it up with my friends that I was thinking about it. Now we are planning to go on Friday after our last final...

I am also currently considering a belly button ring and possibly even a tongue ring. However, the more I think about it, the more reasons I find to not do it. I wasn't even super serious when I brought it up, it was more for laughs and giggles. Now it's real. I looked into a few places that do piercings here in town, but they have good and bad reviews.

I really scared about getting an STD. How terrible would it be to be a virgin my entire life but then get an STD from a stinkin' piercing because somebody didn't use proper sterile procedures and then I wouldn't want to get married or have kids because I would probably pass on the disease! Or what if they do it wrong and it is crooked? What if it gets infected and then I scar really bad? What if right after I get it then I regret it but then I will have a scar on my face, my tongue, or my belly button for the rest of my life? I'm just a simple, church-going girl that nobody expects to get piercings and they would probably look really weird on me anyway.

I talk myself into the piercing every morning and talk myself right back out of them every afternoon.

Tongue rings cause teeth and gum damage. Plus, I would have to put a spacer in for work and clinicals. Belly button rings get ripped out and are easily infected due to their location. Nose rings are ON YOUR FACE and would also require a spacer while at work and clinicals.

Is it weird that my main concern is not the fact that someone would be poking a whole in my body with a giant needle? My main worry is it being off-centered, not where I want it, and getting an STD or infection.

Nursing school has ruined me. Now I know what true sterile procedure looks like and what happens when it is not followed. I can see the bacteria I grew and stained from my microbiology class. I can see all of the slides of pictures and all of the information given to me about STD's. Then I look at myself and think, "is this really you?" But I have wanted lots of piercings since I was a little kid, but now it's really real and I am not so certain anymore. What would the kids that I babysit think? What will my Mema think? What would my future boyfriend/husband think? What would my kids think?

I wonder why I want piercings. Is it just because I found a rebelious, angry side that I was not aware of before Country Boy died and Brother moved out? Do I think it will liberate me from... something that I'm not fully aware of?

Wow, my neurotic anxiety is kicking into high-gear, huh?

More thought is needed and more prayer. I prayed about it, but maybe G-d is staying quiet to see what I will do again. Last time He did this I wasn't supposed to do what I was praying about (going out with Best Friend). Maybe I should swallow my pride and back out of getting piercings with my friends. If I do, it won't cause any more grief because I won't change from how I already am. But if I do go, then I will have at least 2-3 more holes in my body, plenty of pain and swelling, and I will have puncture wound scars if I decide to ever take them out. Looks like I talked myself out of them... Thanks for helping me guys!

I've been laughing all afternoon...

My brother is moving out tomorrow... well, he moves out officially tomorrow, he's already staying there tonight. Not really a huge deal, he warned me a number of months ago. He is breaking our agreement for the lease but that's another story.

So, he brought a buddy over to help him load his mattress today. We sat around talking for a little bit, loaded the mattress, not a big deal. At the end of their visit, our conversation stumbles across a path I did not know existed. My brother mentioned that he was moving out because I kicked him out. I did not recall ever doing such a thing which made him really defensive. "You kicked me out!" I asked him what I said and when. He was unable to answer that question and just kept replying that I kicked him out. He didn't say how or when or anything else besides he is moving out because I forced him to leave. I am thinking that he told that story to all of his friends and got mad because I called him out on it in front of another friend. They both proceeded to leave and left me all alone.

I was super mad. Like, super beyond angry. I don't know that I've ever been so mad at him or at a certain set of circumstances. So, I decided to be "productive." I pulled a Miranda Lambert (reference "Baggage Claim" and "Gunpowder and Lead" and really many of her songs to get an idea of what I was acting like). I started packing all of his stuff. Sure, he'll probably be mad and shocked tomorrow but hey, you want to tell people I'm kicking you out? Then fine! I will make sure that your belongings are ready to go first thing in the morning and you can leave me behind in a cloud of dust to figure out this mess you have now left me in. Now I have to find a roommate and pay YOUR rent that you agreed to pay when I signed the lease (because you were a minor at the time) but are now skipping out on. He said he would help with his part of the rent until the lease is up but I don't see that happening.

Needless to say, I went a little nuts. However, I finally understand why women (people) throw all of the boyfriend's/husband's things on the front lawn when they do something soooooooo stupid that it warrants them getting kicked out of their own house. I came pretty close to that myself but G-d didn't let me remember that people do that while I still had the energy to do anything. So, it's all just piled up in the living room.

I didn't even need a gun because sometimes that isn't as effective as going insane on someone and letting them sort through their own feelings. Just don't do us wrong though because we love with all that we are but when you cross us... Boy howdy you better be getting ready for WAR. I love him but this just took it too far. I feel like I have turned 73 cheeks to him to keep getting slapped. I think I have forgiven him and helped him even when he has done me wrong (thought I probably haven't done it right). But I am not going to be a doormat that he can use as the butt of every joke with his friends. I won't take his rumors quietly.What's more is that he wants me to meet his friends. That was before he informed me that he has been spreading rumors so that I now seem like some terrible, awful, evil, mean sister. I ain't meeting his friends just so that they can have dinner conversation about how I seem compared with Brother's account of me. That just ain't gonna happen!

The struggles of college and siblings...

More on the roommate front later. Actually, I hope to inform y'all about it tomorrow.

Loose Interpretations

I've been looking on Craigslist for potential roommates because that seemed like a good idea and I have noticed that people have different interpretations of just about everything.

"Huge room with view!" Translation: the bedroom is about 2 inches squared using a generous measuring system and it overlooks the neighbors window.

"Nice house with BRAND NEW appliances." Translation: nothing has been changed since the 1800's and the house could collapse on top of you while you're sleeping.

"Nice neighborhood." Translation: it's in a part of town that even cops refuse to visit.

No, it was not my idea to look for a roomie on CL. I know that it is all sorts of bad ideas because there is no real way to know them and there are murderers and other people waiting to do unsavory things to the poor people that fall into their traps. My friend talked me into it. Let's call her Big Red because she is the tiniest petite little lady I've ever met, but she has red hair. Anyway, that's what she and I did during class this week when my teacher decided to call on me TWICE during the class time. I had no idea what she was asking or what we were doing but I survived. I'm getting better at pretending that I know what I'm doing even though I hardly ever have a clue.

I turned in my letter stating I will be leaving my apartment when my lease is up. That's pretty scary because I have nowhere that I am planning to go, yet... Oh L-rd, I trust You and I REALLY need a place to live with good roommates that won't make life miserable and preferably a lot of space. It would be fantastic if they decided that they liked me and we could be buddies. That would be a miracle. I believe miracles happen and I desperately need several of them... simultaneously... pronto.

G-d doesn't move on our time frames. He's not our genie or Santa Clause or our servant. It's a good thing He isn't because life would be awful and the World would be a huge mess with everyone getting everything they ever wanted whenever they wanted it. Can you imagine? Yikes.

Inappropriate Laughter

Today in Developmental Psych we had a guest speaker come in to talk to us about elderly people and death because apartently this is the half of the semester for everyone on earth to talk about death.

Anyway, I had been slacking off all class period because I highly dislike that class. The material is fascinating but I cannot track my instructor because she is... well... she's... I don't know how to say it nicely so I'm gonna just not say anything.

Well, after Facebook had been fully explored and I ran out of things to Google, I naturally got onto iFunny. Oh man, I nearly started dying laughing in the middle of a class of 120 listening to a presentation on death and old age. Needless to say I put my iPad away when I could no longer hold in my laughter. I was also mildly slap happy due to lack of sleep and several weeks of feeling down.

Does anyone else slack off in class? It seems like a waste to no go since we pay so much for this education, but I don't pay attention to some classes anyway. Really, what's the difference?

Daylight Savings Time = Spring Forward

I highly dislike the Spring Forward of Daylight Savings. Why are we still doing this time change every year? Oy! I have so much to do today and now an hour less time to do it in. Good news, however, is that it is beautiful outside so I went and tanned while watching my teacher's online lecture. I am bound and determined to be 1) tanned this summer, 2) able to wear a two, count 'em TWO, piece bathing suit instead of my current 4 piecer, and 3) I want to go to a bunch of parties, find new friends, and have a good time for the first time since I was about 12 and we had a bunch of kids living on my cul-de-sac. 

I want to go hunting, fishing, tubing (down a river and maybe behind a boat), 4-wheeling, riding horses, possibly practice giving IM's on a friend's critters, and a whole bunch of things that do not have anything to do with school (minus the shots) and hardly any work. I have a feeling I'll be pulling a bunch of doubles, like 4 in a row, so that I can be at the pool for a solid 2 weeks in between working sets. Maybe I could even get a PRN job at a hospital so that I wouldn't even have to do these silly doubles. It's all dependent G-d's planning and timing, but I pray He has a fun, relaxing summer in store for me.

Guys, I've been bad on my weight loss plans. I lost 8 lbs. at one point, then I gained back a couple pounds. I am back down to losing 8 from my heaviest (about 2 months ago). So, that's exciting. However, I want to lose about 15-20 more pounds so that I can wear a modest tankini and get a tan. I also want to wear shorts and a tank top while climbing the Stairs Hike (also so that I can get tan while hiking). This year, I hope to finish that thing in under 30 minutes. We'll see how that goes, but I've been working on increasing my lung capacity through cardio and I'm fixin' to start weight machines so that I can have strong, toned arms and legs. Maybe I'll finally work off the rest of my baby weight (not from having a kid but still just my chub from being a kid) at the age of 19 (almost 20). I'm on SparkPeople though, if you would like to friend me and we can encourage each other and whatnot! My username is: BedpanAlley in case you are interested.

Oh my gosh! I almost forgot about line dancing!!! I'm doing it this summer. There has to be a bar or honky tonk somewhere in this state. I got my boots, found a friend to accompany me, and I know some of the moves, I just need to lose a little weight and find a place to go.

Spring gets me all sorts of excited. I hope summer is actually as fun as I'm dreaming it will be...

Do y'all have summer plans yet? I would love some more ideas!

Daily Thanksgiving: I'm sort of productive today. I have finished a project a week ahead of time twice now! That's huge for me because I am a Procrastinator with a capitol P. I have begun to lose weight and know that I have what it takes. Also, I really enjoy cardio. I could walk on the treadmill or elliptical all day (well, sorta) so now I just have to figure out how to stay motivated on those silly weight machines. My weekend was fantastic and today is gorgeous.

I'll tell you about the first college party I've ever been to tomorrow...

Exercised Today!!!

I am trying to start exercising now that I have time and hardly anything to do... with the exception of the next three days where I'm working every hour that I'm awake and only going home to get a couple winks of sleep and maybe a bite to eat.

Normally, this plan does not bode well for me and nothing happens. This time, however, I'm starting well. Of course, it's hard to keep going until I have a routine and get past the daily soreness that is nearly debilitating. But I have worked out about 3 times in the past 4 days or so. Plus, I workout when I'm studying. I study until I can't handle it and get really unproductive (about 20-30 minutes, like clockwork). Then, I'm so bored that almost anything sounds more fun. So, I do my tricep dips with the coffee table, some pushups, crunches, bicycle crunches, squats, lunges, and some hip flexor/extensor things (as seen performed by Audrey in Pitch Perfect when she learned their group was moving onto Nationals). It's a pretty good, short work-out that still gets me sore enough to actually do something for my muscles.

Today, I tried a new work-out that I found on Pinterest. Oh man, it had me shaking so much! It's good for apartment living because unless you fall, you won't be making a lot/any noise for the people living below you. I bet I'll be really sore. I like that kind of sore. Unfortunately, I have to work tonight at my CNA job and I work a double tomorrow and a shift the following day... NOT good when I'm sore. Oh well, eventually I'll get stronger and smarter to know to not pick up anymore CNA shifts.

Finals Week Is Upon Us

Many of you out there are aware that it is finals week. Whether you are in school currently or not, it's all over my Facebook and I hope I'm not the only one. Due to this dreadful week, I have good news and bad news. Ready?

Bad:
I got a 76% on my pharmacology math final. That is because I did it mostly by hand and I'm sure my math was incorrect. So, I get a B- for that class. Moral of the story: before taking a math exam, MAKE SURE YOU HAVE PENCILS AND CALCULATOR IN BACKPACK/BAG!!! They were conveniently situated on my bedside table at home when I arrived at the final. Terrible, terrible day. I hate getting a bad grade when I knew the material but forgot my tools at home. Totally my bad, but it suck all the same.

I was unable to bring my Patho grade up beyond a B-. Again, my bad for slacking the first part of the semester.

Basic assessment class finishes with a B- due to unknown circumstances. Really, I had no idea what was going on in that course and we were not tested on anything that we were taught... I have good news about this class later.

I'm an all around grump for being mere fractions of percentages away from a straight up B but couldn't break through. That's so frustrating!

Good:
While I am disappointed with my Basic Assessment class overall, I did get a 90% on the final and a 99% on my final assessment evaluation! The teacher originally marked me as 100% because I think she likes me for some reason, but I admitted that I forgot one part so she took a point back. Still, I am so very pleased with that grade!!!

I got a B in Pharmacology! A 92% on my final made sure that I not only passed but I got a B instead of a C or that dreaded B-! Praise the L-rd for getting me through that class and giving me a gracious teacher that pretty much gave us a play-by-play study guide so we could rock the final. Plus, she let us use our books on the test before this. G-d certainly had his hand on my in that class because that was my most difficult one.

In my Foundations course, we have a final worth 10% of our overall grade, but even if I don't take it, I can get a solid B. I may not even show up tomorrow. Well, maybe I ought to, just so I know that I worked to try to get at least one A this semester. Sheesh, it's so disappointing to know that I will never be a 4.0 student EVER in my nursing school career, but hey, by the grace of G-d I may just graduate and pass the NCLEX. That, plus a caring heart and maybe a couple other things, will allow me to pursue my dream to become a full-fledged nurse. Mainly, that's what I want. The OCD side of me, though, wanted a 4.0. Unfortunately, that didn't even happen my first semester... Oh well.

Finally, I PASSED MY FIRST SEMESTER OF NURSING SCHOOL!!! Most people say it gets slightly easier after this because we are building on this first semester knowledge. I sure hope so.

Down in a Valley

Mere hours ago I was encouraged and happy. Right now, I have been slammed down to the bottom of a valley. It was quick and gave me major whiplash but it's nothing I can't recover from.

Here's the problem: Life was fine and dandy and then work called. You know that heart sinking feeling when you see them on the caller i.d.? It's brutal. The thought flashed through my mind, don't answer it. In hindsight, it was probably the L-rd trying to keep me from trouble. Well, not real trouble, just the great regret that comes from signing on for shifts at my current CNA job.

Needless to say, I answered the phone anyhow. My manager asked if I wanted to work tomorrow (Friday) but I told her I had class. Then she asked if I could work Saturday. That's a big fat NO. She remembered right away and took it back but not before asking me to work next Friday. Man alive! This lady does not quit. I'm thinkin' someone quit recently or got fired because there are a whole lot of shifts open that were not there a few days ago.

Would you know that my nursing class decided to plan a party for the same night? I learned about it just after I accepted that stinkin' shift. They are fixin' to go to a nice dinner and then go ice skating. I've wanted to go ice skating for years!

So, instead of having fun with my class to celebrate passing our first semester of nursing school, I will be covering someone else's shift at a job that makes my stomach hurt and gives me a headache just thinking about it. My body is filled with dread. I think I may be developing ulcers.

Question is: Should I go ahead and call back saying that I already had plans that I did not realize when she called me the first time? Truly, I did have plans, they just changed from Thursday night to Friday night unexpectedly. However, do I really want to go out spendin' a bunch of my money, spending time with people that I only barely like? It'll be better than working until 11 p.m. with resident's who are sun-downing and a partner who will bestow a great deal of stress upon me for either not hardly working or for working too fast and not giving me a chance to put my residents to bed.

What do I do?

Bible Study Realization

Folks, I had a major realization today. It happened while sitting in a Panera studying and minding my own business. All of a sudden, a guy's college Bible study group came and sat next to me. They started a typical, simple study. Reading out of the Bible, straight up, and discussing it in their own simple words. At that, it dawned on me, I'm not alone. I'm not the only person striving for purity in my college atmosphere. There are other people. We are hidden in the background until given a chance to share the hope that we have in the L-rd. Rarely does it come up in everyday conversation, but it is comforting knowing that there are more people out there like me!

My brother's friend, who looks like he should be in a death metal band (because he is), goes to church every Sunday. When you talk to him, he is so incredibly innocent and kind. Guys, this is how G-d reaches out to all types of people. He employs us, with all of our vastly unique, to reach every nook and cranny of the human population. How encouraging is that?

Of course, I knew/know that I am not alone, but it gets lonely you know? For so long, I haven't met many people who share faith with me. Then, after I had been yearning for others that are working to talk out their faith, G-d reveals them to me when I least expect it. I did not talk to them, nor do I know who they are. I know that they are working on their relationship with G-d, as I am, and they go to my university. There is a community out there of people my age with similar faith as me, I just have to find it.

Today, I am very thankful that G-d brought me to Panera to be witness to their Bible study and discussion. Stay strong in your faith everyone. Grow in your relationship with The Almighty and ask for His guidance in life. Ask forgiveness from G-d and those you have affected. Finally, love everyone, regardless of what has happened or what they have done.

Thanksgiving is Coming! And so is Channukah!!!

First of all, I have heard that there is no official spelling of Hanukkah so people go nuts with it. Therefore, I thought this was appropriate. It also made me have a laughing spell on one of my bad days.

Along that line, I found this list

• Chanuka
• Chanukah
• Chanukkah
• Channukah
• Hanukah
• Hannukah
• Hanukkah
• Hanuka
• Hanukka
• Hanaka
• Haneka
• Hanika
• Khanukkah

Will they ever have an official spelling and make life easier on us? Or will they allow those of us that cannot spell anyway continue to struggle with the self consciousness of no specific answer? Likely the latter because it's been probably centuries and still nothing.

I got off subject there but Hanuka/Chanuka/Hanicka/etc. begins Wednesday night and the first full day is on Thanksgiving! That makes me happy because last year is started during finals week and I didn't get to be with my family, I could not have fire/candles in the dorms, and I was stressed with a bunch of tests.

Also, on Friday, I took my open book Pharm test after being thoroughly frightened about my well-being in that class. Praise the L-rd, I estimate about an 88% plus/minus a few points because there are some questions that my professor still has to grade and there are some she was saying she was going to throw out. L-rd willing, he will give me a high enough grade on our last test so that I can pass the class and get on with my life!

On Friday, I went out with one of my gal friends to a new hunting store in our area. It was fun and I ran into my friend that I stayed with over the summer. Country boy grew up with her and that is why we stayed at his house during the fire. I confessed that he had been texting me and I gave her the background of how I thought he was playing me and another girl. She informed me that he was doing some unsavory things with girls lately. Since she has told me that, I have been racking my brain with various scenarios where I "go off" on him, but I have decided that 1) I'm not strong/brave enough to do that, 2) it would not be respectful, and 3) he would likely yell back at me (over text) while not learning anything or changing anything for the next girl(s). I have, however, decided to trust the Holy Spirit in His warnings to me to not go out with him, not even as friends. I will break this off and find some what to tell him no gently but while still letting him know why. This will be tough.

 I'm not really going to shoot him or hurt him in anyway, these just seemed fitting and they give me encouragement.


Well, I better go listen to my patho lecture. Right now I'm slacking and totally zoning out during patho. C'mon folks! (Not you, the college schedule deciders.) It's two days before Thanksgiving break, why do we even have class?!

Several Rants, So I Broke Them Up

Folks, I have so much to say it's ridiculous. In order to decrease confusion r/t my long-windedness, I have decided to makes several posts, each labeled with their main topic. That way, you can easily navigate the page and not read my whole entire weeks novel just to get past what you weren't interested in, to get to what you were...

I apologize for today because this blog has turned into more of a diary as apposed to an actually helpful nursing blog. I'm hoping that useful stuff will happen to me regarding nursing school soon, starting next semester, but this semester is all about theory and YAWN!

So, the formatting on my actual blog may be kinda strange. Don't pay attention to the times it says that the posts were posted because I am trying to put this one first, which requires me to do some finagling with the times. Also, I love the word finagling.

Let's get this party started! A lot happened to me this week...

Frustrations of Rooming with Your Brother

This year, while at college, my brother and I decided to live in an apartment together. Wise idea? It seemed like it at the time, but it's turning out to be more difficult than I expected. We are constantly "stepping on each other's toes" because he is trying to figure out how to be an adult living on his own (away from parents) while I am further maturing from my year alone last year. Needless to say, he thinks I'm bossy and I find him to be showing signs of a VERY immature prefrontal cortex. He thinks he needs a motorcycle, he assumes that I don't need to be picked up at a certain time, he makes me late for class, he wouldn't listen to me about getting a schedule that is more condusive to my schedule because we are sharing a parking pass, and he is quite certain that he is right about everything and calls me condescending a lot. Yes, I have days where I think I'm right all the time, but it's because I am right. ;) If I'm wrong then I admit to it.

What brought this rage on today? I got to wait outside for him for over an hour even though I only have an hour to go home, eat a little something, then come back to school for BHA lab after grabbing my equipment and changing. What did he decide to do today? Go to the mall. He works there, so he went to go talk to his manager, but it's 20 minutes away (when there is no traffic). He texted me, during class, asking when I get out. I told him 12.

At 12:07, I get a text asking, "So you're going to the library to study right?" Where did he ever get that from?! I never told him that and he admitted  that I never told him that. I told him I needed to be picked up and he said he would be right there.

At 12:31 he texts me saying that he is just now leaving. Ya, I thought he already had. Remaining calm, I text him "ok." 12:56 he pulls up. I jump in and he says a quick, insincere sorry, and we rush off towards home.

1:07 I get into class. I'm late but today the instructor wasn't in lab because we were doing our midterms so she was in the sim lab with students. I was livid and flustered all during lab because of that nonsense. I didn't yell at him, though I wanted to. He asked if I was mad because I'm hardly ever stone-cold quiet, especially when I'm mad, but I just said, "Let's talk about it after I get home from class." That scared him. He said that made him nervous and it made the whole situation worse, I'm assuming it made him just feel worse because it didn't make him angry. Goal accomplished with that!

I think doing this quiet thing when I'm mad is going to be my new thing. I don't smile at jokes, I use short and bland responses, and I make the other person wait several hours for me to "cool off" before we discuss what happened and how to fix it. Sometimes it's just nice to scare someone so that they think twice before doing stupid things again. Yep, this will be my new thing.

Also, I got 100% on my midterm for BHA! Unfortunately, it only goes into the gradebook as a pass/fail... But it's nice to finally get a good grade (my first and likely last) in nursing school. I was so happy I almost hugged my professor. She probably would have been alright with that, but we stuck with a high-five instead. I think I'll frame it and possibly post a pic later.

While I was in the sim lab doing my midterm, my classmates took a hilarious photo of one of them giving birth!!! Gosh, I'm so sad I missed it because 1) it's hilarious, 2) I want a picture in my whites because I think they are adorable, 3) I just want to have fun but I always seem to miss it! Oh well, maybe another time?

Daily Thanksgiving: I didn't yell at my brother and I discovered a more effective way to scare him and get my point across. I got to wear my whites! I got 100% on something in nursing school. I made it through another day which is all I can hope for anymore. I got to go to the mall with my friend.

In other news, I don't think the St. John's Wort is helping or working. My overwhelming feelings of dread, anxiety, helplessness, and desire to quit everything and climb into a hole are slightly better, but it's still a battle every day. Maybe I'm getting burnt out? I don't know.

I went to the mall with my friend over the weekend to get our make-up done and to spend some time with her. It was nice to finally be able to talk to someone and tell them this new thing with me actually finding guys attractive and to be able to vent about how inconvenient it is. That didn't seem to help because then we just started talking about dream dates, what we think we need/want in guys, and how our past crushes didn't fit that. Also, I talked her through a friend break up. This is a bit of a long story, but this girl friend is the one who I was super close with last year. She and I were really close with the two guy friends (one of them liked me and she was crushing on the other one pretty hard.) So, she and the guy that liked me would talk about me and the guy she liked. Does this make sense so far? Anyway, the guys decided that they didn't want to hang out with her anymore recently, because they are being silly. So, she was trying to get to the bottom of it. They were being frightfully rude and hurtful, and the two guys "friend broke-up" with my girl friend. I am still friends with all three. Still, friend drama stresses me out like nobody's business!!!

I decided retail therapy would help me so I went and dropped $100 at Target getting things I "needed" and then buyer's remorse hit me like a semi when I walked in my door. Typical me. I need a stress outlet because I keep making foolish decisions and I'm constantly overwhelmed...

C'est la vie, non?

"They're starting to build their own eco-systems..."

This, as said by my brother, amused me far more than it should have. He was asking me to do the dishes because we are out of all dishes because neither of us have done them at all this week. This is way gross, I know, but I'm a college student and don't have a whole lot of time.

I did clean my room today, though! I also finished unpacking my room because I haven't completely unpacked since I moved in here over the summer. Unpacking is huge for me because since we lost our house when I was in high school, I never trust that that won't happen again. Plus, I have moved almost every year since then and it is a huge inconvenience to pack and unpack an umpteen number of times as I move from house to house with my parents and also move back and forth from college. So, long story short, I am settling in even though I may only live here for another 8 months or so. I guess we'll see where the L-rd wants us next year!

I have a confession, though, I didn't clean my room just to clean. I cleaned it to avoid studying for my pharmacology test tomorrow. Super bad decision. I have studied for the test, however, for several hours over the past few days. Hopefully I don't fail it. I really need help learning how to study and I also need to teach myself motivation so I can start studying weeks ahead so that I can actually learn my material instead of guessing on every question. If only I could figure out how to do this...

Started on St. John's Wort today. I am self-medicating to see if I can avoid going to the doctor for my depression symptoms. My brother has been informed to watch for worsening symptoms in me, but I doubt it will begin to kick in for a few weeks.

I had a Redbull and sweet tea. It explains a lot about this post, I know.

Another bad decision: I have been listening to country music for the past few days. Also, I keep playing with make-up when I come home. I am trying to decide if I should wear it tomorrow, but I probably won't.

Do you ever feel like being surrounded by tons of friends and having everyone do something fun with you? I'm having one of those days. By tomorrow I should be back to my normal self, trying to avoid any contact with anyone.

Pinterest has suddenly caught my attention. I find myself planning outfits, dates, and my wedding. I don't have any prospect of getting a boyfriend anytime soon, but my poor decision to listen to country music has got me thinking about what type of bf I want, what we should do on dates, and how I want to look on said dates. I need to stop this nonsense before it gets me in more trouble with myself!

Daily Thanksgiving: I made it to work today. I cleaned my room. My day went by quickly. I got Chick-fil-a and sweet tea. I am getting better at doing my make-up. I got some hopefully helpful herbs to help with my current sad and helpless state. I get to go home (real home) to see my mama, daddy, and my dog! I have studied over the past few days so I'm not super stressed about my coming pharm test, but I'm still nervous because this class is nuts!

Good night y'all.

One of those days...

Woke up early this morning to try to study before my test @8. That didn't happen but I'm feeling okay about the test (which likely is a bad sign). The test was the midterm for pharmacological math. I turned it in and walked out the door. 3 steps out I realized I had forgotten to put my name on it! I spun around and caught the door before it even shut. Looking back, I shouldn't have just started to look through the stack of tests... He politely grabbed them from me and said, "once you leave you can't look at your test." I replied (in what I think was probably a whiny whisper, but I hope I didn't sound like I was whining,) "I just forgot to put my name on my test!" He looked through the stack and found the test with no name and let me put my name on it. I bet he will likely take of points but I'm glad I didn't get a zero.

Ugh! I'm in college, how can I still forget to put my name on tests?!

On the bright side, I'm half way done with my pharm class and we are ahead by at least a week so I won't have this final during all of my other finals! Also, I'm taking all my other midterms in the next 2 weeks which means I am almost half way done!!!  (...with my first semester of nursing school...)

I hope everyone's day goes well and I pray that mine gets a bit better.