Friends, I have made it a year since Country Boy committed suicide. Granted, I didn't learn about it until April 9, but we are celebrating me surviving a very rough year in my life.
I want to hang out with people today to keep my mind occupied but everybody's busy. Oh well, I'm surviving the day and only cried for about 30 seconds twice. That's pretty good!
I was told today by Beauty that I am made of "wife material". What is that? She said that because every guy that goes out with me is convinced he needs to marry me. Is that just because that's what guys do or is that because of me? Boyfriend told me I'm the best girlfriend he's had (out of 3-4 before me) but I don't know what that means either.
We got to go shooting this weekend and out of like 20-30 clays that we launched, I hit one. ONE! That's terrible! The first time I went shooting I hit all but 2-3 out of 20. Good gracious I've gotten worse. I also got to help feed the cows! Oh my gosh, I love cows. There are new little babies that are only about a week old and they get so excited they start running around with each other for no reason. So cute! They gave me cow kisses. I like cow kisses. The older ones also follow me around and that was even before I gave them cake/treats! Ugh, I just cannot get enough of them.
Also, I got a letter in the mail today telling me I got a scholarship for $3500! I wish I would have applied to more last year because this scholarship is usually not given for more than about $1000-$2000 so maybe I could have gotten a lot more help last year and stayed out of such huge debt. Oh well, the L-rd will provide for me to get out of my crazy debt. Yay! In order to get the scholarship, I even had to have an interview. Since I was at clinicals the only day they had the interviews, they ended up allowing me to have a phone interview. I was so scared they didn't like me or that they weren't happy about having to do it over the phone but they gave me such a big award. L-rd willing I will get lots of other scholarships and maybe be able to start paying off some of my interest on the unsubsidized loans I've had to take out.
So, my rough day is getting better and I'm much stronger than I was a year ago. My life has changed dramatically from that point. Granted, I thought my world was turned upside down because Brother told me he was moving out, a week later I broke up with the boy I was "trying" a relationship with, and then Country Boy killed himself a week after the break up. That on top of a very long, really bad bout with depression, two jobs, and a general life meltdown, I was not in a good place at all.
Showing posts with label scholarship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label scholarship. Show all posts
Monday, March 30, 2015
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Scholarship
I got a call a couple days ago about a possible scholarship award. They said they had moved my application from one scholarship to another because I fit it better and now I have an interview! It would be such a blessing to get this scholarship because it is really big and I don't know how else I will be able to pay for next year. L-rd willing, I will be able to get this scholarship, plus the RA position.
By the way, I still have no headway on what I am going to do about this guy that may have a thing for me. The more I talk to people, the more unclear I get. When I talk to G-d I don't really seem to be getting the big signs that I am looking for either and I am not quite sure how to listen to His still, quiet voice. I don't know what to do!!! And this is really frustrating that I cannot get a straight answer. Some people know my plans and they say that G-d will let whatever happen happen. Yes, I know G-d will let whatever happens happen, but that does not let me know if I should go ahead in a relationship or not. Other people tell me that it is just part of the "college experience" to date people and it should be fun to have a boyfriend. To me, dating is not a hobby or an experience. Dating, in my opinion, is like a trial for marriage. It should be taken seriously and used to get to know a person before you get hitched because marriage is a lifetime commitment. It should be fun, don't get me wrong, but dating is not just something to do just for the fun of it. So, I am back to square one, not knowing if my plans are truly the ones set up by myself and G-d, or if He is telling me to go ahead and scratch my plans to go for something better. To tell you the truth, I don't know how I got all of my plans and requirements and if I stick with them, there is a HUGE chance I will never, ever, ever date anyone. Therefore, I will never be able to get married. This is one of those days where I would love to sit down and have coffee with G-d. Well, tea for me because I get heart palpatations from caffiene or too much sugar... But I just want Him to hug me and tell me it's going to be alright and I need Him to tell me what to do. If only I could have coffee with Him, maybe I would have peace and reassurance in what I need to do.
This reminds me, I have not been treating Him right lately. He has not been my top priority, I have been my top priority. That is probably why my depression is coming back, that is likely why I feel helpless, and it is also why I am down in the dumps even though my life seems to be turning around and getting "better". To tell you the truth, I have not been reading the Word every night like I normally do, I have not been going to any churches or congregations at all, I haven't been watching anything online either. I have put Him on the backburner because I figured school is right now and G-d will always be there. While it is true He will always be there, we have the choice of whether to nourish and build the relationship with Him, or to let it dwindle. When we build the relationship with Him, He takes care of our entire life and allows everything to fall into place. However, when we let the relationship dwindle or take push it aside, we push Him out of our life and He lets us "drive" on our own for a little bit. Obviously not completely, because if I were driving completely by myself, I would not be alive anylonger. But He lets us think we are taking the wheel so that we can realize that we are helpless. So, my grades are not doing well, work is extremely difficult, I can't hear Him because there is too much inbetween us (all of it on my side of the me and G-d connection), and the Enemy now has a ton of footholds in my life because I am not surrendered to Ad-nai completely. This is a miserable place to be. Again, it makes me want to go to coffee and apologize and begin to build our relationship back up, but that is not how it works. So, I will begin again, asking for forgiveness and working to put Him first. Now I understand why so many people fall away from the faith when they go to college. It is so easy to let church or congregation slide, to let fun things infiltrate your free time and to avoid things you know as right when the world is offering entertainment and "good" feelings.
Daily Thanksgiving: I am so very grateful for G-d's forgiveness. His love is overwhelming and even though I know I messed up willingly, He takes me back once I admit that I was in the wrong and work towards getting closer to Him. I am grateful that He allows us to make mistakes because it means that He allows us to have complete free will. Many days I wish He would just tell me what to do, but where would faith come into play? He allows us to fall so that He may build us up for His glory. I am grateful that He has kept me safe and that He has chosen me to live this life. I am also grateful that the biggest problem in my life right now, is figuring out whether or not I should date someone. In reality, this is not a big problem at all, I just overthink everything and make a mountain out of a mole hill. I am also thankful that G-d is working with me on that...
For those of you who pray to the One true G-d of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob: please pray for favor in my RA position attempt and also for favor for the scholarship. I am asking for favor for the largest scholarship award they allow because I really need that plus the RA position to get headway in paying for next year. Also, please pray for my acceptance into the nursing program and a really good score on the HESI.
Does anyone else have any thanksgivings, prayer requests, or anything to add to my above rants? I would love to know what you think about dating and our/your relationship with G-d! Please private message me or comment below. :)
By the way, I still have no headway on what I am going to do about this guy that may have a thing for me. The more I talk to people, the more unclear I get. When I talk to G-d I don't really seem to be getting the big signs that I am looking for either and I am not quite sure how to listen to His still, quiet voice. I don't know what to do!!! And this is really frustrating that I cannot get a straight answer. Some people know my plans and they say that G-d will let whatever happen happen. Yes, I know G-d will let whatever happens happen, but that does not let me know if I should go ahead in a relationship or not. Other people tell me that it is just part of the "college experience" to date people and it should be fun to have a boyfriend. To me, dating is not a hobby or an experience. Dating, in my opinion, is like a trial for marriage. It should be taken seriously and used to get to know a person before you get hitched because marriage is a lifetime commitment. It should be fun, don't get me wrong, but dating is not just something to do just for the fun of it. So, I am back to square one, not knowing if my plans are truly the ones set up by myself and G-d, or if He is telling me to go ahead and scratch my plans to go for something better. To tell you the truth, I don't know how I got all of my plans and requirements and if I stick with them, there is a HUGE chance I will never, ever, ever date anyone. Therefore, I will never be able to get married. This is one of those days where I would love to sit down and have coffee with G-d. Well, tea for me because I get heart palpatations from caffiene or too much sugar... But I just want Him to hug me and tell me it's going to be alright and I need Him to tell me what to do. If only I could have coffee with Him, maybe I would have peace and reassurance in what I need to do.
This reminds me, I have not been treating Him right lately. He has not been my top priority, I have been my top priority. That is probably why my depression is coming back, that is likely why I feel helpless, and it is also why I am down in the dumps even though my life seems to be turning around and getting "better". To tell you the truth, I have not been reading the Word every night like I normally do, I have not been going to any churches or congregations at all, I haven't been watching anything online either. I have put Him on the backburner because I figured school is right now and G-d will always be there. While it is true He will always be there, we have the choice of whether to nourish and build the relationship with Him, or to let it dwindle. When we build the relationship with Him, He takes care of our entire life and allows everything to fall into place. However, when we let the relationship dwindle or take push it aside, we push Him out of our life and He lets us "drive" on our own for a little bit. Obviously not completely, because if I were driving completely by myself, I would not be alive anylonger. But He lets us think we are taking the wheel so that we can realize that we are helpless. So, my grades are not doing well, work is extremely difficult, I can't hear Him because there is too much inbetween us (all of it on my side of the me and G-d connection), and the Enemy now has a ton of footholds in my life because I am not surrendered to Ad-nai completely. This is a miserable place to be. Again, it makes me want to go to coffee and apologize and begin to build our relationship back up, but that is not how it works. So, I will begin again, asking for forgiveness and working to put Him first. Now I understand why so many people fall away from the faith when they go to college. It is so easy to let church or congregation slide, to let fun things infiltrate your free time and to avoid things you know as right when the world is offering entertainment and "good" feelings.
Daily Thanksgiving: I am so very grateful for G-d's forgiveness. His love is overwhelming and even though I know I messed up willingly, He takes me back once I admit that I was in the wrong and work towards getting closer to Him. I am grateful that He allows us to make mistakes because it means that He allows us to have complete free will. Many days I wish He would just tell me what to do, but where would faith come into play? He allows us to fall so that He may build us up for His glory. I am grateful that He has kept me safe and that He has chosen me to live this life. I am also grateful that the biggest problem in my life right now, is figuring out whether or not I should date someone. In reality, this is not a big problem at all, I just overthink everything and make a mountain out of a mole hill. I am also thankful that G-d is working with me on that...
For those of you who pray to the One true G-d of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob: please pray for favor in my RA position attempt and also for favor for the scholarship. I am asking for favor for the largest scholarship award they allow because I really need that plus the RA position to get headway in paying for next year. Also, please pray for my acceptance into the nursing program and a really good score on the HESI.
Does anyone else have any thanksgivings, prayer requests, or anything to add to my above rants? I would love to know what you think about dating and our/your relationship with G-d! Please private message me or comment below. :)
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