Finals Week Is Upon Us

Many of you out there are aware that it is finals week. Whether you are in school currently or not, it's all over my Facebook and I hope I'm not the only one. Due to this dreadful week, I have good news and bad news. Ready?

Bad:
I got a 76% on my pharmacology math final. That is because I did it mostly by hand and I'm sure my math was incorrect. So, I get a B- for that class. Moral of the story: before taking a math exam, MAKE SURE YOU HAVE PENCILS AND CALCULATOR IN BACKPACK/BAG!!! They were conveniently situated on my bedside table at home when I arrived at the final. Terrible, terrible day. I hate getting a bad grade when I knew the material but forgot my tools at home. Totally my bad, but it suck all the same.

I was unable to bring my Patho grade up beyond a B-. Again, my bad for slacking the first part of the semester.

Basic assessment class finishes with a B- due to unknown circumstances. Really, I had no idea what was going on in that course and we were not tested on anything that we were taught... I have good news about this class later.

I'm an all around grump for being mere fractions of percentages away from a straight up B but couldn't break through. That's so frustrating!

Good:
While I am disappointed with my Basic Assessment class overall, I did get a 90% on the final and a 99% on my final assessment evaluation! The teacher originally marked me as 100% because I think she likes me for some reason, but I admitted that I forgot one part so she took a point back. Still, I am so very pleased with that grade!!!

I got a B in Pharmacology! A 92% on my final made sure that I not only passed but I got a B instead of a C or that dreaded B-! Praise the L-rd for getting me through that class and giving me a gracious teacher that pretty much gave us a play-by-play study guide so we could rock the final. Plus, she let us use our books on the test before this. G-d certainly had his hand on my in that class because that was my most difficult one.

In my Foundations course, we have a final worth 10% of our overall grade, but even if I don't take it, I can get a solid B. I may not even show up tomorrow. Well, maybe I ought to, just so I know that I worked to try to get at least one A this semester. Sheesh, it's so disappointing to know that I will never be a 4.0 student EVER in my nursing school career, but hey, by the grace of G-d I may just graduate and pass the NCLEX. That, plus a caring heart and maybe a couple other things, will allow me to pursue my dream to become a full-fledged nurse. Mainly, that's what I want. The OCD side of me, though, wanted a 4.0. Unfortunately, that didn't even happen my first semester... Oh well.

Finally, I PASSED MY FIRST SEMESTER OF NURSING SCHOOL!!! Most people say it gets slightly easier after this because we are building on this first semester knowledge. I sure hope so.

There's No Winning In Nursing School

Between stress, lack of time, constant studying, and teachers who are fresh out of school themselves, there is essentially no winning in nursing school.

I've heard that the first semester is the hardest and I pray that this is true! I studied for a long time for patho and G-d blessed me with an 86%. That's pretty good, but it used to be enough studying to get an A. I studied for about 8 hours for my basic health exam, which our professor did not prepare us for at all because she is still a really new teacher and makes her tests right before we take them (so she has no way of knowing what to teach us), and I got a 73%.

Now, I'll admit, I did not study as hard as I needed to. That's on me. However, I am so tired from all of these teachers experimenting on us and not teaching anything that they test on. Seriously! This particular teacher does not like lectures so she keeps them under 20 minutes (well, she tries). The rest of class is spent doing group projects and having us "teach" our fellow classmates what is in the book. It is NOT working, at all!!! She doesn't put any of the useful information in the power points and she doesn't write the test until a few days before we have to take it. I'm trying to have grace and stick up for her with my fellow frustrated classmates, but I'm getting so overwhelmed and frustrated. Plus, she teaches two classes that I'm taking and we have a comprehensive exam in both. Her exams are notoriously known for taking the most abstract, random information from the books that no one knows because it's based on a total of 3 words, and she tests on that tiny little blurb. It's not even a blurb! It's 3 tiny words that barely make a phrase and that's what she tests on. Even with an open book test, there would be no way to pass these exams.

My friends warned me about this test, they said it was rough. They were right. They also said that, even with the book and notes, the pharm test is ridiculous. I'm so overwhelmed and nervous I can't even function properly. I don't know how I'm going to get through this nonsense just to make it to clinicals. Right now, I am very worried that I will not pass pharm or basic health. These are not supposed to be easy classes, but so many R.N.'s have laughed in my face and told me that these are some of the easiest classes because it's just wrote (is this the correct word?) memorization. Well, both of these classes have brand new teachers who haven't fully gotten their teaching legs yet and I'm not super great at memorization. Guys, what if I get a terrible grade, like anything below an 86%, and I don't get enough on the final so then I don't pass the course? Then what?

"Cast your anxieties on Him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

This is my motto...

"Don't fear, because I am with you; don't be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, I will surely help you; I will hold you with my righteous strong hand." Isaiah 41:10

I know I've heard this one a lot...

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

This is probably one of the most commonly used verses. I get it, don't worry...



Still, even with these verses, I have such a hard time living by them and giving my worry to G-d. How to I just give it up and not worry about stuff? How do you hand it over and let "tomorrow worry about tomorrow?"

Guys, I think I'm having a panic attack.

Can someone explain this to me? Will G-d get me into clinicals with my cohort or will I be held back a semester?

I'm not doing well today. It started off okay but quickly took a turn for the worse. I think I'm going to set up an appointment with the school counseling center tomorrow because this is getting to where I can't control it again.

That brings up a whole new issue. Does going to a psychiatrist/counselor mean that I'm taking my depression/anxiety into my own hands instead of releasing it fully to G-d? Or, is this preparing me and using the resources He has supplied me with? Ahhhh! my attack is getting worse just because now I'm confused. I think I better go try to sleep it off and face tomorrow when I get to tomorrow.

"Don't you ever say that again."

I had another weird day. I was flustered, couldn't talk, and I was irritated but all for no reason. Then my brother got mad at me (because he's always mad at me now) and I suggested that he go live in the dorms next year. That didn't help the situation at all.

Amidst all of that craziness, I was trying to make myself some "dinner." Well, I made some toast, eggs, and sausage. Anyway, I go to put the egg in the pan to fry and this happens...

The shell made it into the pan while the yolk completely missed. How does that even happen?

I sent that picture to my mom with a caption of: "I'm so bad at life. :(" I meant it as a joke. She didn't take it as such.

Her reply: "I really don't want you to see (I think she meant hear) you say that again. You are given special life and I cherish u."

Then, I was choking back the tears, trying to clean this mess up and I feel kinda guilty now. I know that G-d gave me this life for a reason. He had to do so many miracles and He brought me here against many odds. However, I am screwing it all up! I wanted to be in nursing school soooooo bad, but now I'm nearly flunking two of my classes. At this point, there is a good chance I could get kicked out of nursing school. For real, I'm not just exaggerating here. I am so overwhelmed, so lonely, frustrated, burnt out, and crazed lately I don't know what I'm doing!

I keep wondering if G-d wants me here, but He wouldn't have let me get in if He didn't. Then I realize that I'm blowing this whole nursing school thing because I keep screwing around and not studying when I need to. That is why I'm getting bad grades. Still, I can't keep focused on what I need to do and then I get to panicking again.

I had a minor anxiety attack this afternoon because I'm over stressed. I think I am going to go get checked out for psych problems, but I don't even know what to say. Do I just call up and say, "Hey, I think I'm depressed. Can I get a psych consult?" That seems weird!

I did quite a bit of studying tonight, but it's not even close to being enough. This is just too much! I don't know what I'm doing! My teachers have given up on us and the semester went from bad to worse in a matter of weeks. This is the most hopeless I've felt in years. I'm drowning and have no lifeboat or flotation device anywhere. I can't handle this.

Goin' Out With My Boots On

Well, I went out last night, with my boots on. Unfortunately, they are not Western boots not work boots (like in the song). They were just plain, black boots. But I went out last night with a bunch of my friends from last year. We were celebrating one of their birthdays and so we all met at a brewery. No, none of us are old enough to drink, but they have really good food and they make their own cream soda and root beer which, I was told, is delicious. Normally, when I go out with a large group of friends, I sit at end, but not at the foot or head of the table. Last night I sat smack dab in the middle and had so much fun! I don't think I've laughed so hard in months. Plus, they understand me. They know my quirks, they get excited when I get excited about something I'm sharing, and they understand my weird story telling, and they love me anyway. They also know that I don't like gossiping so they refrain from in even though there was some drama last night between my guy friends and the girl that used to like one of them. I've told you about it. The girl showed up at dinner and the boys came and I was scared she hadn't gotten invited. Then I was scared that it would be awkward. I didn't feel the tension, but I may have just been so happy to see everyone I didn't pay attention. Whatever, we got through the night.

Long story short, I prayed for more friends. G-d gave me a night out with my old friends. I feel much better now.

Also, I have a Pharm test today. I've been studying here and there all week, but still don't think I've really gotten anywhere. Oy, this is frustrating. It seems like I do so much work, but then I don't know any of the material or drugs. Then I take the test and get bad grades but I don't know how to get better grades. I have to bring up my Pharm and Patho grades because I am scared I'm going to flunk out of this program in the first semester. I wouldn't be able to handle myself if I did.

Well, I had been feeling like I was finally getting this nursing school thing down, I don't anymore. I was thinking that my feelings of overwhelming, impending doom was barreling towards me were beginning to go away. They aren't, I had just misplaced them but have recently rediscovered that they have gotten stronger. My episodes of random "bad" days where nothing really goes wrong but it all feels bad, were subsiding. Those, too, have come back in full force. Ugh! How do I go on in school if I can hardly make it through each day? Should I go talk to my professors? Can/will they even help?

I guess I will go talk to them. Even if it doesn't help, at least I will go down fighting.

I still need more friends and more nights like last night.


In other news, I got to palpate edema in my friends legs because she had been standing all day (she is the friend I met in the dorms last year who is now in the nursing program with me. We're pretty tight now.) I also got to help our waitress who has an ear infection and my friends introduced me and the other nursing student as nursing students last night. It was a pretty proud moment even though I still don't "feel" like a student nurse. So, that was the cherry on top of last nights momentary bliss.

An "Off" Kind of Day

You ever have those days where something or everything is just "off?" I seem to have those days more and more, but today is getting to me.

I called my mom to talk to her, but couldn't find the words to talk to her about what is on my mind because it's just something there but not really describable. I have this desire to talk to her but I don't know about what. Then I get sad and start crying for no reason. 2 seconds later I'm frustrated over nothing. Eventually I get productive. Typically, sleep comes next. Then my day is done and it's time to start a new one.

I know I talk a lot about this kinda stuff, but I'm still just processing thoughts and I get more into words when I can type. It just so happens that I don't trust people enough to keep all the typed things on my computer, so I put it on the World Wide Web for everyone to view... Doesn't make sense.

I dropped another $13 at Village Inn at breakfast with my classmates. It was nice, then it turned into a gossiping/bashing fest. Unfortunately, I didn't have the guts to stand up for anyone. That needs to change. Even though I didn't take part in the bashing/gossiping, it's just as bad for me to bear witness to it and not stop it.

So that happened.

Then I spent $45 on music, for no reason. It is worship music, because I'm breaking my habit of country music and it's not going well. Still, I don't have the money to be spending like this!

Got a 71% on my patho exam from Monday. Passing is 74%. Sorta self explanatory, huh?

Pharmacology Frustrations

Pharmacology is destroying me!  I know that it is a lot of work, but I don't think I can rise to the occasion and survive in this class. I am pretty sure I just got a D on my last test. How am I supposed to memorize every MOA, dosage, side effect, implication, teaching point, drug category, and everything else about every single drug ever created and currently used?

I get into this dangerous mindset of frustration with my teacher because this is her first year teaching and last year's teacher was amazing. Last year, students could use notes and books to do their quizzes and tests. The teacher taught so that the students understood what they needed to know and I have heard that lectures were full of interesting stories to help students remember the drugs.

This year, we get out after an hour (the class is scheduled for three) because our teacher just reads the power points. We are taking quizzes every week that most people report to be failing. Then, her tests seem to come out of nowhere because she is taking the questions from the test banks that come with the book. Maybe it's just because I'm not great at memorizing and I get frustrated when I get bad grades. I know that bad grades are my fault because I should have studied more. Still, I very much dislike that I hear all these great things about pharm last year from my friends who had last year's teacher and now I have to have a teacher who doesn't know what she's doing and so she is asking so much of us that really seems unreasonable.

New teachers are frustrating for me. I had a new A&P teacher last year who said one thing and did another. This year, my Pharm teacher does the same thing. Neither one knows what they are doing when they are teaching the class. Also, one of my teachers that teaches 2 other classes was new last year and is still trying things out. She too says one thing in class and does something entirely different. It doesn't seem like I'm getting the quality education that I am paying for and it doesn't seem like I'm learning the way I need to be learning. New teachers required the students to teach them how to teach us. This is so frustrating because the teachers feel like they know what they are doing because they got the Master's or Doctorate Degree. That's not how it works.

For those of you who are nurses out there or who are going through nursing school, how do you study for pharmacology? What did your teacher do that helped/hindered your learning? How do I survive this class?

Sorry for the meltdown rant. I don't know how I am ever going to get through this semester because this is ridiculous! It also seems like this whole post negates what I said about talking nice about people. I'm a hypocrite... I considered not posting this, but it's real and I don't want to seem "holier than thou" because I do get frustrated with people. I get irrationally angry and I vent.

Today is not one of my good days. It didn't start well and it's getting worse due to my bad grade on the test and the fact that I have to go to Pharm today. Days like this make me wish that 1) I could be a nurse already, 2) I would have been able to go through this program last year or preferably the year before, 3) I had a boyfriend, and 4) that I was smarter and better at studying. My stomach hurts from all the worrying and I keep bursting out in tears for no reason. The life has been sucked out of me and hopelessness is now a constant state of mind. I don't know what to do and I just want to shut down.

Cookie Dough Therapy

Since starting nursing school I have gained approximately 5 lbs according to the scale yesterday when I went to donate platelets. That is really unfortunate, completely my fault, and it made me even more depressed than I already was. So, what do I do today? I ate 2 whole bagels with cream cheese and I am in the process of baking cookies. Don't worry, I already had my share of the dough, but now I'm still depressed and I'm pretty sure I'm still gaining weight even as I type this...

Today I was talking (well, I was standing there, I don't really talk) with some of the girls from the program who had been talking with their friends that are a year or two ahead of us in the program. Apparently, the first year of nursing school is the hardest. I don't know if that is supposed to give me hope, reassure me, or scare me. It mostly scares me right now, but I also hope that I can get through this semester because maybe next semester will get a little better. I doubt it though.

It scares me going back down this road because my depression is starting to flare up again. I thought about taking St. John's Wort, but I don't want to take it if it won't really help me or if it will make me "addicted" so that when I stop taking it my depression comes back even worse. Have any of you tried taking it? Does it work? Any strange side effects? I know I can research all of this online, but I don't know that I trust that. I could also go talk to a doctor, but I definitely don't want a legit prescription medication because those really will screw with my head and they are usually more expensive.

I know that depression is not from G-d and it is just me taking to heart what the Adversary is trying to whisper to me, but it's getting too much to shut it out. The past few weeks I have been so down, feeling like I can't make it through school, feeling ugly and my face is breaking out, and now gaining weight on top of that. The weight thing can be fixed with exercise and eating better (even though I already don't eat a whole lot of junk food and my portions are consistent with what is recommended on packages and through my nutrition class). I know the title is a little misleading, but I don't normally eat lots of junk food. The school thing can be solved by studying more over time, and by doing projects a few weeks in advance instead of a week or a day before they are due. I don't know how to change my feelings about my appearance. I know G-d made me, but I've ruin what He made and my face is breaking out really bad. In fact, it's never been this bad all through my teens. I'm 19 now and look like I'm just going through puberty though because those stupid little red bumps are all over my shoulders, back, and face. I don't even want to go out of the house anymore...


I heard a quote today from one of my new friends, "Life sucks and then you die." I don't think it should be this way, but right now it certainly feels like it's true. This isn't what life is supposed to be though! Our lives are for the Creator, not for ourselves. Why does it feel like such a struggle to stay afloat here on Earth?

Overloaded = Emotional Meltdown

You know how last week was awful for me? That terribleness couldn't be fit into just one week so it is spilling out into this week as well! Joy.

Recap of last week: Patho pop quiz: 50%. BHA pop quiz: 0% (because I was late to class) then I retook it to receive a whopping 20%. Pharm Math and Foundations of Nursing went off without a hitch. Then, Pharmacology... I had to take a test in that class that got me a 76%. Finally, one last Patho quiz: 63%. I know, why did I have to take 2 Patho quizzes in one week? I have no clue! But in addition to those two "fun" quizzes, I also had an exam today. Man, this lady loves piling on all the quizzes and exams onto a weeks calendar, doesn't she? Good news about the exam, G-d gave me an 81% (higher than the class average, finally!) after only studying for about 8 hours. I was so nervous but G-d gave me an amazing grade, considering my sleep deprivation and lack of preparation, and He brought my total class grade from a D to a 79%! Hey, that's almost a B, folks, which turns out to be a really good grade from this teacher because she is tough and Patho is rough!

Today, on a totally unrelated note, I keep running into my friends from the past. I ran into one of my closest guy friends from last year. We've kept in touch so it wasn't weird to see him, it was actually nice to be able to have something be "normal" again. Then I was sitting outside when a guy from a party I went to freshman year of high school saw me and came to say hey. I didn't really know him, but we had Psych last semester. He's really nice, a pre-med student, and he lives in the town my uncle lives in (where my dad grew up). Him and the friend he was with (who I met for the first time today) both volunteer with my uncle for the volunteer fire department. It's weird when people know my family and I get referred to as, "so-and-so's niece/daughter/granddaughter/etc." Don't you feel strange when people introduce you or remember you as someone's sister/brother, daughter/son, grandkid, etc? Then, I saw one of my other guy friends from last year. We sat and talked for awhile, but I really need to work on my conversation skills. What do people ever talk about? What is the point of small talk? It seems like such a waste of time and energy...

Anyone else having meltdowns/psychotic breaks/crying fits?

Short Story

Okay, I know I'm ridiculously wordy and I think that is because I don't know what info to include in stories and what to leave out. So, I am going to try to make this a short post/story today. Ready?

My week: Pop quiz in Patho and in BHA. Got 50% on Patho pop quiz and 20% on BHA's. Pharm test and Patho quiz due today, both online. Study for 3 days. Pharm test completed with at least 6 wrong (more to be graded by prof.), lowest figured grade is C. Patho quiz = 19/30. I QUIT!!! What was I thinking?

A Glimpse Inside My Brain

Now, this whole blog has kind of morphed into a diary of my inner thoughts and experiences. I don't know if that is good for you or not yet, I'm still collecting and analyzing data from this little experiment. Regardless, I will share the random thought I had last night.

I was driving home at 11:20ish last night, just thinking about life. I started to think about how my "thing" has always been school and good grades. I have never been good at sports. Never been the class clown or even a social butterfly. I associate my identity, some of it, with being the quiet girl that sits in the back and does really well at school (sometimes, even without studying). College has since crushed that identity. I think that is why I was so distraught when I got an A- last year. The B I got in Micro was tough to take, but G-d has relieved my initial upsetness (that's now a word) over getting this grade that I viewed as being unacceptable. At the heart of this problem, though, is the fact that I realized I am just a typical person. That's disappointing. Doesn't everyone want to be extraordinary?

The more I thought about my ordinary life, the more I realized that my life is the "typical" type of life. I was a college freshman that lived in the dorms. Now I live in an apartment 5 minutes from school. I got my first job at 16. I went through school in the grade that I was supposed to be in (no skipping grades because I was super smart) and I was usually in the average class, not the accelerated classes. I graduated in the typical fashion, but didn't go to my actual graduation because it was on a Saturday. I grew up in the suburbs, rode a school bus to school or walked. I was not someone to finish high school by age 12 and become a full-fledged MD by 18. I was not born into royalty and not many people know my name. I may never actually do anything extraordinary in life, but that's for G-d to decide. So, I have to learn how to serve the L-rd in my typical, ordinary life. School is not my identity. I can only get my identity from the Creator. Period.

Sippin' Sweet Tea

Just sittin' here sippin' some home-made sweet tea wishing the sugar hadn't settled to the bottom (I'm drinking the last bit of it and boy howdie! It is far too sweet for me.) I took my lab practical and final chapter exam Wednesday and I take my comprehensive final today.

Chapter Exam: 72% after adjustments
Lab Practical: 88% (I'm really pleased with this score because I was sure I hadn't done very well)
Comprehensive Final: I will update you later

I am having huge troubles studying though! 1) I have never taken a true comprehensive final before. My teacher says she gives the same final every semester to see how she is doing with teaching, but I heard it is ridiculously hard. Like, harder than her other tests. Plus, I heard this from some of the smartest people in our class who had to take it early because they have lives this summer. 2) I calculated the minimum score I need to pass the class. It's a 0. So, if I wanted to pass with a C and not worry about it anymore, then I could just skip this silly test. 3) I calculated what I need to pass with a B. That's only 30/120 points. This was probably a really bad thing to do because I have not been studying well all day. Knowing that an A is impossible and passing is a sure-thing, I have given up my fight with this class. I just don't care. That's not totally true. I do care, but I'm one of those people that will give up trying so hard for something if the outcome is so certain (as is the case here). I kinda wish I wasn't like this, but I wish that I would have done a million things differently this summer instead so that my A could have been earned, even if I did have to fight really hard for it. At least then I would know that I did my best. I think that's what bugs me about not getting A's. It's the fact that there is a score reminding me that I did not live up to my expectations or goals, especially when I only had this one class to take!

C'est la vie, eh?

On the bright side, my mom is here at our apartment and she brought... my Punkin! (Yes, I know I technically spelled that wrong, but that's how I pronounce it). It's my dog. The sweet, miracle of a dog G-d blessed me with in the 6th grade who embodies the entirety of a 6-8 page journal prayer. I still have the prayer too. She is my baby and I have missed her so much! When I come home, or when she gets to see me after being apart for a long time, she is so happy that she does this little wriggle thing and starts whining. The whining is super weird for her because she never whines or barks, unless there is an intruder or some kind of danger or when she sees me, I guess.

Work went really well yesterday. I worked with my favorite CNA and my favorite LPN last night. Both of them are trying to set me up with the LPN's brother. Good news there: he's not moving here anymore. He is on the army reserve and could not get transferred to this state from his home state so now I don't really have to worry about this fictional relationship suddenly coming to life. They are still quite convinced we'll find each other in some romantic, serendipitous way and he'll bring me home to meet his family where I will find the LPN welcoming me to the family with open arms. Me: ya, that's not gonna happen. But, I kept up with the girl who works that floor every night and I even had harder people. Well, normally they are harder, but everyone was completely exhausted last night. Normally, some people will stay up until 10 or 11 p.m. Everyone was in bed by 8:30... It was beautiful!

More to come tonight if I can remember. Daily Thanksgiving will likely be done then too. Hey, are y'all trying the thanksgiving thing? You know, everyday you find something new to be thankful to G-d for, even silly stuff like no traffic jam or sleepy residents. It can change your life and prevent the psychology thing of one wrong thing making you think of everything else that went bad that day. Just try it, it's good stuff.

Off to take a shower, get ready for my comprehensive final and then... NO MORE MICROBIOLOGY!!! Plus, shopping with my mom. Yay!

The End of Me

I got a 68% on my Micro test. My professor then adjusted our grades so now I have a 72%, but still! I studied pretty hard for this test but her questions come out of left field. Well, I took the chapter test and the lab practical (I still don't know what I got on the lab practical though). I hope G-d pulls a miracle and gets me an A, but I seriously don't see how that would be possible. I know that G-d could pull a miracle and give me an A if He wanted to though. He parted the sea, brought the dead to life, and did so many things that are not logically possible for us mere humans, so I know that He could change a measily little grade if He wanted to. Truth is, I was such a slacker this semester. Unfortunately my procrastination skills have caught up with me and now I feel stupid because I got 2 D's (now "fixed" to C's in the grade book) in one class. The saddest part is that this is the only class I am taking right now! I should have had time to focus and really learn the material, but did I? No.

So, I am very sad and frustrated with myself. In psychology we learned that when one thing goes wrong, you typically will view more things as going wrong in your life. That is certainly happening with me right now. On top of the stress of me getting bad grades, I am now regretting ever saying that I would go to the movies with country boy. I regret leading the girls at work on by joking with them about my favorite LPN's brother dating me. I regret ruining my relationship with my best friend by telling him I liked him back when he revealed his feelings for me. I regret being so introverted that I push everyone away. I regret ever reading to or responding to my ex-roommates original text from a few days ago. I regret over staying my welcome at my friends house this summer and opening my big fat mouth about one of her secrets in front of the person she was trying to keep the secret from. I regret listening to country music, watching love story shows, and reading romance novels because they all skewed my thoughts from the pure thoughts G-d had kept in my brain. I despise the fact that I want a boyfriend right now. The list goes on for at least another 1749834 paragraphs, but I will spare you the agony of reading about my bad decisions.

Would I change my past? I think I would change some things, but who knows how I would have turned out if I had changed those things? Life is pointless as supported by Ecclesiastes. I love that book! If you haven't read it, read it. It's one of my top 5 favorites of the Bible and it is delightfully cynical and absolutely fantastic! When I first read that book, I couldn't believe that someone so long ago had the same distrust and confusion about the meaning of everything that I did. Of course, logically it makes sense because there is nothing new under the sun. However, I have been called weird by so many people when I tell them what is really going on in my head, it was so nice to have G-d show me that I'm not the biggest freak ever, other people think like me too.

Daily Thanksgiving: I finished my test and I only have 1 test standing in between me and the end of microbiology. I am not a total nutcase who is so completely strange that nobody ever thinks like me about life. I am not defined by my regrets or mistakes. Summer is nearly over which means that nursing school will begin and my life will hopefully regain some type of normalcy and/or slight calmness. Very little, if any, I'm sure. I don't work this Sunday! Having a few boys like me makes me feel like a catch even if I know it won't work out with any of them. I suppose it's okay to feel valuable, wanted, and pretty sometimes. Maybe...

Finals Day #1

Today is my first day of finals. I take 2 of 3 today and I'm kinda freakin' out. I only have chemistry and psych, but I need an A on this chemistry test in order to hope for an actual A in chemistry instead of a A- or a B+... Those pesky "-" signs really bring down your GPA! I was surprised how much weight that little guy has last semester. Now, I'm looking at getting a B in Anatomy which will lower it even more.

Kids, this is what happens when you don't focus and slack off in anatomy your first year of college. Don't do what I did. Have fun, but focus on school, especially you nursing students out there. If you do that, you will be fine and have a good time anyways because you won't be so stressed about getting your grades back up from being in a pit.

Bad Habits

The funny thing about habits is that it is difficult to train yourself in good habits, but bad habits get picked up without our awareness. Did you know you can also teach people habits? Like the habit of how others treat you, or act around you. Sometimes it even the habit of asking/not asking you for things. Of course, these are only just a few little things that can become other peoples habits of interaction with you, but you can totally control how you allow them to treat you in the first place!

Unfortunately, I have allowed my friends to develop bad habits when it comes to being with me. Things that are pet peeves of mine, but also very disrespectful behaviors towards me. These behaviors are difficult to stop and reverse, my goodness! This is all about boundaries too. If you set up your boundaries in the first place, and keep them firm, then your friends will quickly learn to avoid trying to push them aside. If you don't know your boundaries until after a behavior has already started, it can be very difficult to change their actions after they have become accustomed to treating you a certain way. So, since I did not have proper boundaries (because I was unaware I needed boundaries for something, or I was unsure how to enforce boundaries I had already deemed worthy of respecting) and my friends have learned to interact with me without those boundaries, I am in a mess with several of my friends. Some of the interactions are not terrible, and the boundaries are more to keep me from getting hurt by people taking advantage of me or to avoid friends being rude to me without thinking twice about it. However, some are relating to things beyond just myself, and they are reaching into my future with my husband, my children, and the rest of my life. Of course, all boundaries are reaching into areas that I have discussed with G-d and have been set as ways to avoid sin and temptation (whether that be temtation to fight back when someone is making fun of me for no reason to get some laughs, or the temptation to do things outside of marriage that I have determined - with G-d - are not things I am going to do).

So, how do I begin enforcing boundaries now that many of them have been broken? I have no clue and that is causing me a great deal of distress. For now, I will pray about it and hopefully I will be able to get back to you with how to do this and also how it is working...

Daily Thanksgiving: I only have 3 weeks of school left, including finals week. My anxiety about grades has gone down because G-d is helping me to accept that I cannot change the grades that I have already received. Work is getting better and the weather was beautiful today!


Today was just a strange day for me. Did anyone else have a weird day? I couldn't explain it, but I was angry and super cynical and on edge. Maybe it's because I got my chem test back and realized I made really silly mistakes. Perhaps it the fact that Z is so upset about what happened with B this weekend. Or it could be any number of other things on my long, long, LONG list of things that I am stressed out about and trying to give to G-d. I don't know, but I wanted to punch something and not talk to anyone. In fact, I still want to punch something and have no social interaction for a long time, as of now anyway... This has lasted for a few days, but it's just now getting much worse so that it is almost tangible with me.

Super Simple

I'm staying simple today because I'm exhausted and ready for bed!

So, here are my Daily Thanksgivings: I had an excellent day at work today. My residents are making work more fun, now that I am finally getting slightly faster. Also, G-d is making work much easier for me. Today's weather was absolutely gorgeous! I was able to talk to one of my friends about something that I had been scared to talk about, and it actually went really well and I disguised it as a joke, but they got the message. Praise the L-rd for that!!!

Also, 3 weeks of school left before summer! I know I am using a lot of exclamation points, but it's just a good day. I am so ready to be done with school and I am ready to no longer be a freshman. L-rd willing, I will only have 3 years left until I'm a nurse, but we will see how that goes...

How are y'all doing? Any exciting news? Any advice for the HESI coming up here shortly? Are any of you fixin' to take it this summer too? (Lots of questions I know, but join in the conversation, I would love to hear from you and we can freak out about grades and nursing school together!)

Failed My Test

Okay, I am not completely sure that I totally failed my chem test, but I just took it and I am 98% sure I legitimately failed the test. I did the study guide but half the stuff my teacher asked about wasn't even on the study guide!!! Why? She says everything that will be on the test will be on the study guide, but that's not the case. I miss my old teacher. She gave us huge study packets and actually talked about chemistry in a language I understood. I should have stayed with her. Also, I should have kept my original A&P Lab time because I am not pleased with my current lab instructor, who is also different than last semester. I am just regretting so many life decisions, you have no idea.

I'll keep you guys updated about my test grade, I get it back tonight or tomorrow...

On a brighter subject, I got a 97% on my English paper so that cheered me up, until I took my test. So, I was in a good mood for all of 8 hours (and I was asleep most of those 8 hours).


Why did I have to make such foolish decisions about everything in my life!?!

By the way, I called home last night because I was about to lose it. Then I let it slip that my depression is coming back and my anxiety is getting much worse. Talk about freaking your parents out! I took it back right away and told my mom I was good, but I'm pretty sure she doesn't believe me. That poor woman, and my poor dad are always having to reassure me that life is alright. I feel bad for making them worry, but it just slipped out. I need to learn how to fix my depression and anxiety so that this doesn't keep happening because right now it is so bad, I am actually physically sick. I will likely live, it's nothing big, but I get so frustrated because I cannot figure out how to control this nonsense! Then that just makes matters worse and it's a cycle that keeps getting increasingly more difficult and problematic. Maybe I have bi-polar disorder... Or maybe I'm just a hypochondriac...

Completely Fed Up

Do y'all ever have those days were you are just fed up with everything? You don't want to work, or go to school, or have friends or even breath...

Ya, I'm having one of those months.

I love my friends. I like my job and I'm very grateful I have employment. I am truly thankful for the opportunity to go to college to further my career and I am also very grateful that G-d allows me to continue breathing. Today, I am just having a tough time. Maybe it's the mid-April snow storm or the fact that I have a billion, potentially life-changing decisions to make. Or it could just be that my brain's chemistry is off, especially today, causing this extreme discombobulation that is accompanying my demeanor. I don't know what it is, but it's bummin' me out! Also, it could likely be attributed to the fact that I got B's on every test I had last week, after I thought I had worked really hard to get better grades, because I was not being self-disciplined enough to stop hanging out with friends... On second thought, it could be that last one that is making me want to give up, not only at school, but at life because honestly, I don't know what I'm doing with my life!

I just want to know what my purpose on this planet is. I know we are here to give G-d glory and to allow His plans to go through, but do I have a bigger purpose? Some people "cure" diseases or save lives. Others make the world a better place by giving orphans a home and providing meals for those who don't have food. Yet others do other stuff that has some significant impact on the world and the general well-being of others. As for me, I don't do anything. I am just a student, quiet and shy. Timid and I used to be decent at school, but that is not necessarily the case any longer. I have friends that get to know me on the surface as I delve deeper into who they are, only to be deserted a few months or years down the road for someone else. I have been a best friend to countless others while I am still very lonely, and without a mate, myself. I am a daughter and sister. I am the oldest grandchild on my dad's side and just one of a bunch on my mom's side. I am a CNA who makes too many mistakes to count, and I'm almost surprised they haven't talked to me or fired me yet for making the other CNA's late all the time in their daily schedules. I was an unnoticeable cashier but now I stick with my life-long dilemma of no one remembering my name, or even my face.

It's times like these when I wonder what is going on? Why are we here? Do I even have a bigger purpose or am I just a space-filler? Does anybody get me or am I just an undetectable island? Will there ever be a friend that gives me what I give to them? I don't need much, just someone to hear me when I can't find anyone. I need someone who will sit with me when I just need to know someone else is there. I need someone to be silly with, but who I can also pour my heart out to as they make sense of the mess within me. I need a wise mentor who is also looking for advice from me.

I need to be needed... understood... accepted... nurtured... loved.

Sinking Feeling

Hey guys, I got my grades back from all of my tests last week. I got a B on all of them... I am so frustrated with myself! I totally could have studied more and studied harder and for longer, but I didn't. So, I got a B on my anatomy lecture and lab tests, and also a B on my Psych exam. Now I'm just waiting for my English paper to be graded because I turned that in today, with a sinking suspicion that I did not do well. The only good grade I got all last week was a 19/20 on my chem quiz. Yes, I know that B's are not the end of the world, nor are they bad grades, I am simply frustrated with myself because this was my last chance to bring my grades up in Anatomy and in Chem, but I blew it! Well, I haven't taken my chem test yet, that's on Wednesday and I better get to studying for it right now.

I am so stressed out about grades, the HESI, summer classes, school, housing next year and verything else, I think I may just have a panic attack...

These types of days make me wonder how I think I can even get into nursing school. Or, how can I make it as a nurse? I don't know how this is going to happen because I can't even get through the prereques with good grades and sanity, how am I ever supposed to go through nursing school and be an RN? The only way is by complete miracles from G-d because everyone, especially me, knows that I cannot do this!

Moving on to daily thanksgivings... I am thankful that I get to go home this weekend for my parent's 19th wedding anniversary. I am finished with last week and will be able to pick up and move on because I can't change my tests now. I am finished with Monday and I have amazing friends who are supporting me through my ridiculous bouts with anxiety and random spurts of depression. G-d has truly blessed me with incredible, supportive, sweet people to help me through so many struggles, even when they are all in my head (which is the majority of the time). Also, G-d didn't let me fail one test last week. Even though I am not pleased with my grades, He provided me with decent grades and if He wants me to have A's, then I will have A's. If not, then I will be thankful that He allows me to pass my prereques.

1 Quiz and 1 Test Down...

1 quiz and 1 test down this week... just 2 more tests and a paper to do and then this week is done.

I took my anatomy lab practical today and I'm really not thinking that I did well. Unfortunately, last week when I had that pointless snow day (because we had less than an inch of snow!), I was supposed to have anatomy lab. That lab was supposed to be about the digestive system. Guess what the test was on? Yes, I did go to the lab make-up, but the instructors teach very differently and I didn't study the cadaver the way I should have. Anyway, the cadaver was tagged for like 7 questions on this test! Talk about freaking me out. I guessed on every single one of those question because I didn't learn that material or the cadaver. So, I think I'm going to get a C on this test which seals my fate of not getting an A or an A- in anatomy. I will likely have to settle for a B or maybe even a C in the class. Am I displaying narcicistic anxiety? Yes, I certainly am because I flip out over grades. When I ended up getting an A- in anatomy last semester, I cried. Not just a little tear drop or two. No, I had another full-fledged bout with depression that lasted about two weeks. No joke! It took half of my winter break to get over that "-" being on my transcripts. I never used to be like this, but when I moved out, I didn't know who I was. School had always been something that I didn't have to try at but I was super good at it. Now, I am nothing, nobody. I don't know what I'm doing or how to get where I need to go because I don't know where I'm going.

Regardless, my first test is done and I can breathe slightly easier.

Daily Thanksgiving: I had a fairly uneventful day. One of my two anatomy tests are done and my psych test is tomorrow. I had a take-home quiz this week instead of having to bomb another quiz in chem. Tomorrow is Wednesday which means I am already half-way done with this week (seeing as I only have school Monday thru Thursday). I got to have breakfast with a very close girl friend of mine and we got to gush about boys. I still find it uncomfortable to talk about this kind of stuff, but I think it's helping me wrap my head around what happened. Also, I got to hang out with my guy friend and he helped me study. Now that I think about it, this day was a pretty good one because G-d got me through in one piece and He is allowing me to survive college!

Uneventful Day

Truly, today was uneventful. I had a quiz in chem that I got a C on, which I am not happy about. Then, psych was funny, but it doesn't seem like it was overly difficult or stressful. Also, I worked out again today! When I "workout" I really just mean I walked on the treadmill for awhile. Today it was 30 minutes and I walked close to 45 minutes Monday. Hopefully these short periods of exercise help or do something good for me.

I have been super distracted lately and not able to keep much focus on anything. I really need to buckle down and start working harder because I already have B's in 2 of my 4 classes and that is so NOT okay. I have A's in the other two so far, but I need to work and keep them A's. These bad grades that I have been getting are so discouraging. I know that I am not working hard enough or smart enough, but once I get into a hole with bad grades, it seems impossible to get out of it to raise my grades again. Thus, starting an ugly cycle of worse and worse grades.

Daily Thanksgiving: Psych was hilarious, chem was kinda easy, I didn't fail my quiz, I hung out a lot with my friends, and I worked out! Though I had some stuff that was weighing heavy on my mind, it seems like today was a good day overall.

By the way, today, I told one of my friends that my birthday was yesterday... the story remains to be continued. We will see if he keeps his promise of not telling anyone about it.

Also, I am starting to think that this dating thing may not be such a difficult thing to do. It's just a lot of talking and hanging out, getting to know each other, right? Maybe some hugs, or kisses (but not for me in my relationships). Perhaps some crisis, meeting the parents and other life events. But for the most part, it seems like a friendship that is more exclusive and it is acceptable to be a pair of people with secrets together and a mutual understanding of what each other think and believe. There is a good chance I am getting this totally wrong, but from my observations, that is a simplistic idea of what dating is. Guys, I really need some input as to what is going on!!!