Daily Challenge

I crashed out last night after coming home from clinicals. I was exhausted!

So, I was unable to talk about yesterday's bunch of stuff and tell you my funny story.

Counseling was good. I talked about Jersey and my "difficult" professor. They took up about 10-15 minutes of the session, but I guess it was worth it because I realized some things by discussing it with someone who isn't a friend with Jersey and isn't in class with the professor. Yay! New perspectives!

Counselor says I'm doing well. We're going to start working on rationalizations. She told me that I'm doing really well and working really hard. She likes my college bucket list, Roomie's Thanksgiving List challenge, how I am doing with "friend" struggles, my dealings with the professor, and she told me it's okay to be flip-flopping all the time.

Apparently I go from having rational thoughts to survival mode frequently, and that is because my brain is confused with the PTSD. Survival mode is in the back, in the occipital lobe (from what I remember from anatomy and phys) while logical thought (where I used to live most of the time because I like it) is in the frontal lobe. So, my brain is trying to be normal, but then it decides it doesn't like how I used to be because it's too hard, so then it switches back to survival mode in the back. Meanwhile, I am left with my head spinning, whiplash, and major confusion and frustration at my lack of ability to be who I remember I used to be. C'est la vie, for the time being.

Normally, after counseling, I go to sit at Country Boy's grave. It was so cold yesterday that I stood there for 5 minutes, in my clinical whites because I have clinicals after, and started shivering so I left way early. I told Counselor that I felt it was weird and morbid. She told me it was actually really good because cemeteries are quiet, outside, peaceful, and there are plenty of ways to ground myself with nature, should I feel like I need to. Plus, I get vitamin D with being in the sun. Maybe next week it'll be warm enough to actually be able to sit with him again.

I ended up showing up to the hospital over an hour early. This was a great accident, because one of the other girls from my group was already there. We have a test tomorrow and so we were able to start studying and I learned a lot!!! Maybe I will do okay on this test. I hope so anyway. I just need to be able to stay in my frontal lobe and stop switching back to the occipital lobe for a couple more days so that I can study solidly and remember the information for this class that I need to know for the test and my future career.

Clinicals went well. When we first go there, I asked if I could go change into greens, just so I would be ready if I ended up being able to go to a c-section or something. My instructor said that was okay, so I went with the other girls who were on L&D with me and we went to change. You should know, that I am tall, and I have wide hips. Wide hips are from genetics, and also from a little "extra padding," a.k.a. fat. Plus, I'm 5'8" and mostly legs, with a short (proportionally speaking) torso. When we went in to go get scrubs, the only sizes that were left were extra-small tops and small bottoms along with the 2x and 3x tops and bottoms. Good grief. I spent 10 minutes looking through every pair of bottoms to find a pair that was medium or large. No such findings came about. So, I tried on the 2x and my friends told me no. I tried on the small pants and they were bursting at the seems around my ass and thighs. They also came up about halfway up my calves, WHEN STANDING!

I walked into the pre-conference room with my whole clinical group and I fake-whined to my instructor: "Instructor, I need new pants!!!" They all burst into uncontrollable laughter. Granted, it was hilarious, but regardless of how thick my skin is, some things still hurt. So, when they calmed down a little and my instructor gave me her badge so I could go get scrubs that fit, they burst into laughter as I was walking out. That stung a little bit because I'm self-concious about my butt and thighs. I fit into an x-small top, but my butt needs a medium and my long legs need a large. To have people crack up as I walk out and they can see my butt makes my high anxiety and ability to be easily embarrassed get sent into over-drive. I play a good sport, but that doesn't mean that someone laughing along doesn't get hurt in the end.

So, just the thing I needed on an already difficult day... people laughing. It was funny, I'll give you that. It just made me over-think it for the rest of the day and even still, a day later. Just breathe.

10 Thanksgivings (from yesterday):

1. First test of the week is done and I was able to take it with really smart people (it was a group test).
2. I had great night shift nurses and got to see an ultrasound/fetal echo.
3. Counseling went well.
4. I was able to go to Country Boy's grave site, even if just for a few minutes.
5. I'm finding friends in unlikely situations and places.
6. I started studying and did really well in our version of jeopardy (for the studying).
7. Roomie is helping me on my road to recovery and we are setting goals before they are even assigned for counseling homework!
8. Fake friends are dropping off while solid friends are coming to the surface because the fake friends are wearing them out too.
9. My clinical instructor is absolutely wonderful.
10. I am nearly done with one set of clinicals for the semester and my very last set of clinicals starts in about a week or two.

10 Thanksgivings

Good grief, this is post #4 today, I think. I just have so much in my brain and going on in life that I just can't help it.

Anyway, on the way to school this morning we started talking about how roomie wears a lot of make-up and she keeps forgetting to take it off at night, so she just puts more on in the morning. I challenged her to go 5 days without make-up, but I told her she could have eyeliner and mascara.

Oh man, you would have thought I asked her to sell $10,000,000 worth of drugs in a week! I then told her that if she did that, then she could challenge me to something.

Her challenge was for me to find 5 things each day that I am grateful for. It's kind of related to my self affirmations that are my counseling homework for this week.

I agreed then rattled off 5 things for yesterday.

"That was too easy! You should do 10 each day!" She said.

I replied with, "Fine! Then you have to go 10 days without make-up!"

She agreed because she has no clinicals or class for the next 3 days...

Damn it.

Regardless, I am going to stay good on my promise. So, here are my 10 thanksgiving from today:

1. Our first pediatrics test was a group test and I was put with two very smart people.
2. I finished my homework before my afternoon class because I didn't do it last night.
3. I am so very grateful I have counseling tomorrow.
4. The semester is nearly done and that means school is almost over!
5. My Roomie is spending the night at our apartment tonight. This is good because she's been house-sitting for over a week and it's been lonely and scary here alone.
6. Tomorrow I get the contact information for someone that is going to help me with legal troubles I am having.
7. I was able to "study" today with a few close friends and my Roomie helped us because she already took the course we are currently in.
8. I am grateful for Roomie because she listens to me and helps me when she can.
9. I survived today.
10. I survived my life through 2015 with all of the tragedy and complications of meeting a couple terrible guys.

Crazy, Insane Weekend

Folks, there are awkward families... and then there is mine.

• My great-grandpa does not know my name, but he yelled at me for not knowing his though he makes no effort to be in my life when I was about 12.
• My Grandma yelled at my brother and I when we were about 3-4 for asking for a penny to get a gumball from her decorative gumball dispenser while simultaneously giving pennies to our cousins.
• My uncle did not know my name yesterday and I'm 20. He has seen me multiple times over the course of my life. In fact, my parents used to rent an apartment from him for the first 9 years of my life and he would come for visits.
• My mom's sister is cool and her youngest is buddies with my brother and I. Her oldest and her husband hardly say 2 words to my mom, my brother, or myself. 
• My Grandpa did not recognize my mom because he has not seen her in nearly 8 years. Though I do not blame him for this because my Grandma is abusive and so my mom chooses to not see her mom (Grandma) which means she cannot see her dad (Grandpa).
• Grandpa has been saving the birthday and Christmas money from the past decade of our lives because he sends money to all the other grandkids. As he was walking over to give it to my brother and I, my Grandma takes it from him and acts as though it was her idea. Lady, I saw him pull it out of his pocket and I saw you snatch it from his hands!!!

What is so mind-boggling to me, however, is that I love them regardless. It's this deep kind of love that I had not been aware of until driving home, unable to catch my breath between legitimate sobs. Despite the hours I have cried at night over them and their words to me, I love them. Although they don't know my name (after having been their niece/grandchild for 20+ years), I still love them. Forget the fact that they blame me for not knowing them even though I have not had transportation or contact from them for most of my life, I still love them. Why? Why is is that I can have such overwhelming love for these people that do not love me back? How can I continue to love them even though it causes me so much grief that I was crying on the drive back home last night? It wasn't even a few tears, it was wails from the deepest part of my gut because I was in such pain. Why do I have the capacity to love these people and I cannot even love myself?

Besides all that, my brother dropped a few bombs on me about his own life that have re-stimulated my persistent nausea r/t stress and complete disbelief that this is now what his life has become. Plus, I have been getting super dizzy spells, so that's a bonus. I think it may be orthostatic hypotension caused by possible dehydration and electrolyte imbalances, but it's a wonder I can keep anything down at all with my stomach always in knots anymore.

My cousin is having a baby with his girlfriend. He just graduated high school... His older sister is fixin' to get married come July and just announced that she has been expecting for about 3 months and is due in January. They have another older sister who is just chillin'.

My summer went from me being on top of the world for about a week and a half to being down deeper than the deepest pits in the World. G-d has it all in His hand, I believe that. Goodness, though, it seemed to have all hit me at the exact same time though.

Tomorrow I want to tell you about my good day though! So, stay tuned for that. I promise, G-d blesses me incredibly, sometimes it's just more pronounced once you understand the struggles and obstacles that cross my path. I want you guys to see all of my life, even these really ugly parts because they all make me who I am and they are all tools G-d uses to shape me. Also, I got a new roommate and I'm so beyond stoked about her. She needs a whole blog about her, that's how amazing and excited I am about this rooming situation! Plus, it is totally a work of G-d. You'll see once I tell y'all the story of how it came to be.

Daily Thanksgiving: My day was exponentially better than I anticipated and I got to work with my favorite CNA! G-d is not through with me even though I have been a wayward child. 

Last Day of Clinicals

Well, last day of clinicals for this semester. 2 more years equaling 4 more semesters of clinicals to go. No big deal.

However, this post is devoted to the amazing ways in which G-d has worked in my life recently. Today was good. I felt off all day, but I survived!

Today my ex-roommate talked to me. This is a big deal because she disliked me very much. All semester she refused to talk to me. She would give me rude looks or make curt comments behind my back. When I see her in the halls at clinicals or school she would look away, even when I tried to smile at her. Just things that wear on you, ya know? Anyway, after weeks of trying to brush this all off and smile through the pain, she talked to me last night just to say, "see you tomorrow!" I was kinda thrown off guard because I was the only one there so I said it back and went about my work. Then today, we sat and talked a little bit with our instructor. We made quick eye contact during conversation and talked between ourselves. We helped each other with patients today in clinicals and all was well. We are not buddy-buddy and there is still some awkwardness between us, but I am relieved. Weeks of prayer and over thinking eery little thing have resulted in G-d working miracles in my silly little girl drama. Praise the L-rd!

Before ever stepping foot on the floor, I was told many times that the renal floor is awful. My clinical instructor informed us that there were 3 codes in the couple of hours he spent on the unit for orientation. My charge nurse at my CNA job across town told me she worked on the specific floor I was on and she said it was terrible. Anyone and everyone that knew about the renal floor convinced me that it would be a rough/awful experience. So, I prayed that G-d would keep people from coding and dying while we were on the floor. Guess what? Nobody coded or died while we were on the floor. Wow. Now, pts still died and coded, but not on Wednesdays between 0630 and 1530! Praise the L-rd!

There are horror stories about clinical instructors picking apart every little thing on your care plans and failing you for a missed period or a word spelled incorrectly. (Yes, I am aware that most of what I say is an exaggeration. Unless I state that some story is strictly fact, assume that most/all of it has been stretched slightly.) If I had an instructor this strict, I think I would just drop out of nursing school. So, I prayed that the L-rd provide me with a good instructor. When praying in such a general way, one never quite knows what they will get. G-d blessed me with an instructor willing to talk to us about our care plans if it wasn't quite what he was wanting and he was very "chill" with his expectations with us. He emphasized hands-on learning and was always talking us through the whole nursing thought process. With my learning style, his instruction was excellent for me. Praise the L-rd!

G-d let me have fantastic, interesting patients that were very patient and kind. He also allowed me to see how a bunch of nurses work and He allowed them all to help me in different ways, but all valuable. Praise the L-rd!

My first clinical rotation semester was a fantastic experience! Also, summer is in two weeks (after this week comes to a close.) YAY!!!

Daylight Savings Time = Spring Forward

I highly dislike the Spring Forward of Daylight Savings. Why are we still doing this time change every year? Oy! I have so much to do today and now an hour less time to do it in. Good news, however, is that it is beautiful outside so I went and tanned while watching my teacher's online lecture. I am bound and determined to be 1) tanned this summer, 2) able to wear a two, count 'em TWO, piece bathing suit instead of my current 4 piecer, and 3) I want to go to a bunch of parties, find new friends, and have a good time for the first time since I was about 12 and we had a bunch of kids living on my cul-de-sac. 

I want to go hunting, fishing, tubing (down a river and maybe behind a boat), 4-wheeling, riding horses, possibly practice giving IM's on a friend's critters, and a whole bunch of things that do not have anything to do with school (minus the shots) and hardly any work. I have a feeling I'll be pulling a bunch of doubles, like 4 in a row, so that I can be at the pool for a solid 2 weeks in between working sets. Maybe I could even get a PRN job at a hospital so that I wouldn't even have to do these silly doubles. It's all dependent G-d's planning and timing, but I pray He has a fun, relaxing summer in store for me.

Guys, I've been bad on my weight loss plans. I lost 8 lbs. at one point, then I gained back a couple pounds. I am back down to losing 8 from my heaviest (about 2 months ago). So, that's exciting. However, I want to lose about 15-20 more pounds so that I can wear a modest tankini and get a tan. I also want to wear shorts and a tank top while climbing the Stairs Hike (also so that I can get tan while hiking). This year, I hope to finish that thing in under 30 minutes. We'll see how that goes, but I've been working on increasing my lung capacity through cardio and I'm fixin' to start weight machines so that I can have strong, toned arms and legs. Maybe I'll finally work off the rest of my baby weight (not from having a kid but still just my chub from being a kid) at the age of 19 (almost 20). I'm on SparkPeople though, if you would like to friend me and we can encourage each other and whatnot! My username is: BedpanAlley in case you are interested.

Oh my gosh! I almost forgot about line dancing!!! I'm doing it this summer. There has to be a bar or honky tonk somewhere in this state. I got my boots, found a friend to accompany me, and I know some of the moves, I just need to lose a little weight and find a place to go.

Spring gets me all sorts of excited. I hope summer is actually as fun as I'm dreaming it will be...

Do y'all have summer plans yet? I would love some more ideas!

Daily Thanksgiving: I'm sort of productive today. I have finished a project a week ahead of time twice now! That's huge for me because I am a Procrastinator with a capitol P. I have begun to lose weight and know that I have what it takes. Also, I really enjoy cardio. I could walk on the treadmill or elliptical all day (well, sorta) so now I just have to figure out how to stay motivated on those silly weight machines. My weekend was fantastic and today is gorgeous.

I'll tell you about the first college party I've ever been to tomorrow...

Needles and Oranges

Today I got to spend all day practicing giving shots on an orange!

Oh man, I was so ridiculously excited for today's lab I don't think I've ever been so stoked to go to school. We all practiced so much that when we injected fluid into one part of the orange, another hole from a previous injection would start to squirt out! Now I just love needles even more. It's weird, I know because I've been told it's a strange obsession by several people over the course of my life (especially in this last week or so). But I can't help it. I'm find being poked and I'm getting comfortable poking other people. In fact, I donate platelets just to watch the needle go in my arm and

also to watch my blood be separated so I can see the platelets. You know, now that I think about it, that's probably what catches people off guard. Mostly because I tell them that story when explaining that I enjoy needles...


<- Platelets

We also practiced opening ampules. Those things are terrible and need to be discontinued from use! The bottle cut at least one person and that was just from my clinical group of 6. Not to mention you have to remember to use a needle with a filter on it to draw up the meds (due to SHARDS OF GLASS in the medication itself due to breaking the glass bottle).  Then you have to make sure to remember to use a different needle to actually administer the medication to the patient. Folks, these things seem so outdated and dangerous, why are they still being used? Seriously.

What makes anyone think breaking glass with your hands would be a good idea? Especially when the glass contains medications that may/may not be dangerous to bare skin? C'mon folks, let's use our brains here...








Hospital mindset:



















So, that was my day. How was yours?

Daily Thanksgiving: G-d's grace is abounding and He doesn't get impatient with me regardless of how many times I mess up my life. He is currently teaching me long-term forgiveness and how to talk through tough life decision with Him before turning to those around me. Believe it or not, I'm actually learning how to do it! Talk to Him without talking to the people around me, that is. It's hard because I used to rely on Him for everything because I didn't trust anyone else, not even my parents. He taught me how to trust people a bit more and then I trusted them too much instead of continuing to rely on Him. Life is all about finding an equilibrium and following what G-d tells you to do. When you do, regardless of how hard it is in the moment, your life can only improve instead of stalling and beginning to reverse or go down a bad road. Praise the L-rd for instructing us because He loves us.

Verse of the week/month for me is Proverbs 3:11-12 "My son, don't despise Ad-nai's discipline or resent his reproof; for Ad-nai corrects those he loves like a father who delights in his son." (Complete Jewish Bible)

Crazy Couple of Weeks

School started back 2 weeks ago. This semester seems to be going well, so far. Eventually I will be starting my clinicals which require about 3x the work of all the classes I have right now combined. Not only are clinicals more work all around, but they require ALL the work to be done the night before getting up at 4 in the morning! Yikes. But, for now, I'm just enjoying being caught up and ahead in all of my classes. Also, I'm enjoying have 100% in a few of my classes. These perfect grades won't last long at all, but it's nice to enjoy them while they're here!

Would you believe me if I told you Country Boy texted me again? He did. Little sucker is trying to pull me in and wants to hang out. Darn it! I'm even considering inviting him to dinner with me and a huge group of my friends just to get him off my back, but that's probably a bad idea because my best friend (who also asked me out last year) is likely coming. These past few months I've been waiting and praying for him to text me so that I could give him a piece of my mind and now my ornery words have eluded me.

On a positive note, he (my best friend) has decided to heed my advice to date other girls until we decide if we need to reassess our friendship as a dating relationship. He didn't tell me he had a girlfriend this summer, I had to find out through another one of our friends, but I sure hope it's true. My source told me they only dated for a little bit then broke up, but he's not just waiting for me. Him waiting for me was making me really anxious, so this is good!

My friends have offered to get me vodka, beer, and the like... Temptation is getting pretty strong but I'm bound and determined to not give in. It's rough though. How is it that I'm getting all of the middle/high school coming of age issues in college? Dating, attraction, drinking, drugs, etc. I'm glad I'm strong and not highly influenced by these people but DANG!

Church was great last week. I hadn't been in about a month and a half and didn't realize how much I missed getting to sing to G-d and be in a place where people are focused on Him. It is beautiful.

My IT job decided to "promote" me. That doesn't involve a pay raise, it just means that they put me in a more difficult area of campus. I thought that would be great. Turns out that they give you no training. Instead, they let you try to figure out the computer problems with entire classes of students staring at you... Super awkward! I though public speaking was bad but this takes the cake.

I haven't been to my CNA job in almost a month and don't plan on going back to work there for any more than 1 day a month.



So, those are my life highlights from the past few weeks.

OH! I forgot to tell you that I am currently learning how to line dance. I learned the Watermelon Crawl, the Tush Push, and how to 2-Step. I would love to learn as many as I can though because there are tons of line dances. Who knew?

* Note: The lady in this picture is a nurse who teaches line dancing in Colorado, I think. Look for her here to see her videos on YouTube if you would like to join me in the pursuit of obtaining dancing skills.

Daily Thanksgiving: Have y'all been practicing your own daily thanksgivings? School is going well so far and my teachers seem to be really prepared and interesting. Clinicals start this semester! I'm gaining wisdom about my own dating life even though it's very difficult. I'm learning a lot about IT and my stress from the CNA job is minimal because I barely go there. I have a church to go to and live in a free country where I can worship freely. That is a huge blessing in and of itself.

Bible Study Realization

Folks, I had a major realization today. It happened while sitting in a Panera studying and minding my own business. All of a sudden, a guy's college Bible study group came and sat next to me. They started a typical, simple study. Reading out of the Bible, straight up, and discussing it in their own simple words. At that, it dawned on me, I'm not alone. I'm not the only person striving for purity in my college atmosphere. There are other people. We are hidden in the background until given a chance to share the hope that we have in the L-rd. Rarely does it come up in everyday conversation, but it is comforting knowing that there are more people out there like me!

My brother's friend, who looks like he should be in a death metal band (because he is), goes to church every Sunday. When you talk to him, he is so incredibly innocent and kind. Guys, this is how G-d reaches out to all types of people. He employs us, with all of our vastly unique, to reach every nook and cranny of the human population. How encouraging is that?

Of course, I knew/know that I am not alone, but it gets lonely you know? For so long, I haven't met many people who share faith with me. Then, after I had been yearning for others that are working to talk out their faith, G-d reveals them to me when I least expect it. I did not talk to them, nor do I know who they are. I know that they are working on their relationship with G-d, as I am, and they go to my university. There is a community out there of people my age with similar faith as me, I just have to find it.

Today, I am very thankful that G-d brought me to Panera to be witness to their Bible study and discussion. Stay strong in your faith everyone. Grow in your relationship with The Almighty and ask for His guidance in life. Ask forgiveness from G-d and those you have affected. Finally, love everyone, regardless of what has happened or what they have done.

Naivety Kills

Guys, I don't know if I spelled "Naivety" right, or if it's even a word. However, I do know that I am naive and I have made some terrible decisions in the past 24 hours, I want to talk to someone about it but I don't know who to talk to and how to express what's going on in my head!!! Oh, this is the most frustrating thing!!!!!!!!!! I can't even use enough exclamation points to convey this overwhelming embarrassment and regret.

No, before you go there, I did not have a one-night-stand. I didn't let anyone take my virginity. I have not gotten a boyfriend who I now regret. None of that stuff.

I did, however, let some guy "flatter" me out of $20. I also agreed to hang out with country boy even though I know that I should probably not do that either.

Let's tackle these stories one at a time.

First Story: I foolishly gave away $20. Why? There were some guys claiming they were in a public speaking class and an assignment they had was to go around the neighborhood to meet their neighbors and help gain support for a book drive for children in the hospital for Christmas. Red flags were poppin' up out of nowhere, folks, and I just ignored them. 1) I don't "do" Christmas anymore. I am firmly opposed to buying gifts for Christmas and I refuse Christmas parties of any kind with my friends, why would I support it now for strangers? 2) They were full of "easy conversation" and I think they tried to flirt with me. They asked what I did and were quite pleased when I told them I was a nursing student. Then, they asked if I had a husband or boyfriend. I denied having either. At this point they re-introduced themselves and offered to make me dinner sometime. Awkward. Plus, they were all up in my space when talking to me and I like to have a solid 5-8 feet distance between me and anyone at any given time. 3) They didn't mention money until the very end. 4) They gave me a total of $126 to donate to the book drive which could be payable by cash or check. I told them I didn't have it so they pressured me to pay a lesser amount. Finally, I settled on $20 because he said another neighbor had given him $21 to get off his porch. The guy at my porch pulled that money out of his pocket! That is a pretty big sign that he was likely keeping it for himself instead of this so-called book drive. Did I realize that at the time? Nope. I sure didn't. This all happened because they knocked like my guy friends do that live in the same complex. Upon looking out the peep-hole, they even looked like them. Newsflash, it wasn't my friends. For all I know, they could have been scoping my apartment to come back and rob me later. I didn't let them in, but you never know.

I am such a fool. Why can I be decently smart when it comes to school but a total doorknob when it comes to people? Why can I not let people in that can care about me but I let strangers get too close to me? My heart just went from feeling better and possibly healed of depression to being very heavy with regret.

Second Story; I agreed to go hang out with country boy. It seemed like a bad idea at the time and the more I think about it the more anxious I get. Should I go and talk to him face-to-face? Would I have the courage to finally be frank with someone in person? Last night we were texting, I was carrying on the conversation, as usual, instead of letting it go flat because his dad died in February and it was his birthday yesterday. I figured I would see how he was doing and let him vent if he wanted to. Bad idea because I don't want to become his therapist. I will listen to people talk about almost anything they want to talk about. When that's all I'm good for, then I don't need to be in their life, I need to refer them to a therapist who gets paid big bucks to be able to help with that stuff. By the end of the 14 message, 5 hour long conversation (because he takes a long time to reply), he asked if we would ever be able to "chill." I said sure. Then he asked when and I told him it probably couldn't be for awhile because Thanksgiving is coming up and my schedule is very different from his. He agreed. I asked what he wanted to do and he said it was up to me. Up to me? You ask me when we can hang out and I have to come up with something to do?! One of my biggest pet peeves ever. With no regard to my common sense, I suggested going to a new hunting store opening up in the area sometime in the future. He agreed to go there with me because he had wanted to go there too. So, no set date to go "hang out" but we have a place. What are we going to do there? We have nothing to talk about. Seriously, nothing because my list of questions that normally hardly gets used is already fully used, analyzed, and re-analyzed. There is nothing left for me to be able to ask him about because we just aren't compatible and we have very different beliefs.


With both of these instances, I want you readers to learn from my foolishness. I think I am falling for these cheap compliments and opportunities to hang out with boys because I want a boyfriend and I am very lonely and severely depressed right now.

If you guys are going through this, or if you know someone who may be depressed, talk with them. You don't have to say you think they have depression. Just hang out with them and encourage them. If people don't seem depressed around you, then they are really good at hiding it and you need to encourage everyone around you because, chances are, there is someone who is struggling to breath and having difficulty getting out of bed because life seems like too much of a struggle.



MOST IMPORTANT thing I can tell you right now is that ignorance is not bliss and naivety is not a joyful state to be in. Both of these come from experience I want others to gain wisdom from my foolishness. DON'T ever fall for gimmicks that require you to pay someone that comes door to door. Girl scouts can get money for cookies at their stands when you get the goods right away and don't have to wait for delivery with the chance that your payment and order will get lost. DON'T give cash to guys walking around trying to sell books for hospital kids. DON'T even answer the door for people you don't know if they aren't from maintenance. Even then, they will have a key. If they don't have a key, then they don't need to be in your house. DON'T answer the door if you aren't expecting anyone. Decent friends call to invite themselves over instead of dropping by completely unannounced. If G-d is hinting that you shouldn't do something or if something just doesn't "feel right," vow before hand, like right now would be great, that you will say NO! I don't care how uncomfortable it makes you feel, I can guarantee that you will feel better later when you think back about the instance and you were saved from getting scammed or raped or taken advantage of in any other way. These things happen and I don't want anyone of you to go through them. When a guy or girl does not seem interested in who you really are, don't hang out with them. If you do, then bring friends that you trust and have them for protection and also to observe the person you are wary about. DON'T hang out with people you are unsure about privately. That is a recipe for disaster. If they aren't comfortable around other people then tough cookies for them because they likely had some unsavory ideas about what was going to happen. Plus, if they like you, they need to like your friends and family otherwise you may be a very unhappy camper if the relationship gets serious enough for marriage.





Daily Thanksgiving: I only lost $20. It could have been much worse. I am grateful for the burn because it will allow me to think critically next time before falling for cheap compliments and insincere interest in me. I am thankful that G-d brought country boy into my life to teach me to set boundaries with someone that I do not have to see on a weekly basis and I won't be losing a major friendship if he stops talking to me because we aren't close and we hardly know each other. G-d is making me stronger. He is stretching me. He is giving me wisdom. He is protecting me as much as possible while still allowing me to make minor mistakes that can be easily fixed or that aren't too bad that my life is altered forever. He is teaching me who to trust, what to trust them with, and when to trust. He is maintaining my purity and innocence while also taking away my naivety and ignorance. That is a delicate line, but you better believe G-d knows how to walk it and how to steer me. While I feel frustrated and betrayed by these guys that came to my door, my depression does not seem to be coming back full-force. G-d is teaching me how to give it to Him and how to calm my anxiety. I know that I cannot do that on my own, I've tried. So, He allowed me to struggle for a few months while trying to handle it myself. Then, He took it away. Now, He is giving me little "tests" or opportunities to choose whether to drown in depression or walk on water through faith in Him. He is also teaching me to not let anxiety paralyze me, but to notice it and begin to realize that I need to work to get away from it.

Praise the L-rd for his loving instruction!

Thank you for reading today's lengthy post, I am feeling relieved of the burden that was present in my heart at the beginning of this. Please take wisdom from my foolishness and share my story, and any you may have, with people around you so that we may all grow wiser and avoid the Adversary's traps.

Study Break

Hey guys! I haven't been on here for what seems like a really long time. I have been studying and trying to figure out life. School is going somewhat better, but not by much.

Friday I went in to meet with my pharmacology teacher. That didn't really help at all. I'm so frustrated in that class and I'm so scared I'm not going to pass! I really need for G-d to allow me to remember everything I need to know for the next two tests so that I can get A's on them, or at least B's to pass the class.

In happier news, I got 100% on my pop quiz in Patho and I got a 90% on my other scheduled quiz for that same class. Praise the L-rd! Normally I get D's or F's on both of these types of quizzes, but G-d gave me good grades on these two and it brought my grade up considerably. That was a weight off.

Also, on Friday, I went out to coffee with my mentor. She confessed that she has been struggling with depression and I was able to tell her about my history and current bout with it. Then, in church this weekend, the pastor talked about depression! G-d must have needed me to hear about it or something because He usually has echoing lessons when He really needs me to get it. Well, I think I got it. Also, I feel like I've gotten somewhat "healed" of my current state of depression. It's only been 2.5 days, but I'm lighter and able to think more clearly. We will see when the pressures of life start to increase again, but for now I'm feeling a little better.

Country boy hadn't texted me for about a week and a half and then texted me tonight. Why tonight? I have three tests coming up this week, 1 of which I have to get a B on in order to pass and the other ones I'm feeling better about but still have so much to study! I've decided to not text him back unless he keeps the conversation going because I don't have the time, patience, or energy for this nonsense. Curious about tonight's conversation?

Him: "Hey"

Me: "Hey how's life?"

Him: "Decent, watching the game"

Seriously? Seriously. That's it. That is all that was written and that is likely how it will stay. This is a new boundary for me because normally I will keep asking questions. I will dig for conversation and try to be as polite as possible to keep being able to let us have something to talk about. Not tonight! I am not going to be some person's "texting buddy" if they have nothing to say. I have tried to start the conversation with him many times and he is still disinterested so I'm not doing it any longer.  This is so silly for so many reasons. 1) We don't really know each other over texting or in "real" life. 2) We don't have much to talk about. 3) He always seems disinterested and does not contribute to the conversation or the continuation of said conversation. Therefore, I am done. I will give him the short answers he gives me and that will be the end of it. Maybe one day I will have the guts to ask him what we are doing and why. Today, however, it has taken a significant amount of guts and self determination to ignore the text because the conversation hit a dead end.

Tonight I also went out to study with my friends for our patho test tomorrow. After that, I'm even more scared about the patho exam. Normally I do okay just studying on my own and I think I need to go back to that for patho because they over think everything. They are preparing for a test that is way harder than our professor usually gives us and it confused the day lights out of my. So, for patho, I will continue to study alone.

Daily Thanksgiving: Sleep is coming soon. G-d gave me good grades in patho last week. I am learning to set my boundaries and I'm excited to finally practice having my say and standing up for myself. Also, I will be able to stand up for myself in a less threatening manner because I never see country boy, we only text each other. I am motivated to start studying for pharm and have started partially. I have also been studying for patho for about a week and a half as apposed to the normal day or two of cramming and it seems to be paying off. My depression may be subsiding. I received prayer and now have someone I can talk to about it because I didn't know who to talk to before. G-d answered my prayer to have someone to confess my depression to and someone who would understand me and be able to pray with me. That was huge.

Pretty Friends

Do any of you have really, really, really pretty friends? It seems like I've always had gorgeous friends, and I'm all like, "I'm maybe a 3-4 in a scale of 10..."

I know that G-d makes us all beautiful and that true beauty comes from the inside. Yada, yada, yada (that's Jewish!)

1 Peter 3:3-4  "Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious."

Proverbs 31:30 "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

Psalm 139:14 "I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well."

1 Peter 3:4 "But let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious."

etc...

Still, I am constantly finding these gorgeous friends that could, and probably should, be models and these verses don't seem to help me. They also usually have really cute boyfriends. Currently, I have a super pretty friend who decided to be the nurse from the "Time Square Kiss" for Halloween and her boyfriend dressed as the sailor guy from that photo. They are so cute in their picture it's enough to make you sick, really. They are so stinkin' adorable! If I weren't trying to be anonymous, I would post their picture (with her permission, of course.) So, here is a picture of the actual "Time Square Kiss".

 Yes, they were more adorable than this photo and yes, they took a picture just like this one.

Does anyone else ever have friends that are just ridiculously beautiful, and hilarious, and generally out of your "friend league"? It seems like all of my friends are and it makes me slightly uncomfortable because I show up to class like...

...and that's on a good day (minus the dog, of course)!

I have just discovered the beauty of putting pictures in my posts and I really like the "..." thing.

Daily Thanksgiving: We didn't find any heart murmurs or abnormal heart sounds in me today, so that was good. I discovered that I can put pictures into my posts! The day is over. I have friends.

Call-offs

Today we had a no-call, no show. Guess who it was! Ya, it was the girl that was supposed to be my partner. Praise the L-rd that the night shift girl had all pts up, except for 4-5 that I helped get up. I also got to work with one of the nicest, fastest girls that we have, so that made the day better.

For all of you, whether you are in the medical field or not, do you have people that insist on treating you like you have no clue of what's going on? I understand when people are giving me advice, tips, and letting me know what I missed. However, there are always nurses that talk to me like I have no idea what's going on and it makes me a little upset. It makes me think that I'm incompetent or something, because they correct my every move and jump in to take care of my residents even though I could have totally handled it. I am also quite tired of people calling off because they tend to not be sick, they just didn't want to come in or they forgot. I know, sometimes people really do mess up and forget to come in, or the schedule is messed up, or they get sick. I get that. But last night we had 4 call off's. Folks, our facility has a maximum of 10 cna's at any one given time during the day or evening shift so to have 4 call-offs is crazy because we are missing half of our staff.

So, before you call in "sick" to work, 1) make sure that you're really sick, contagious, and darn near incapable of any level of functioning due to some bacterial or viral invader. 2) if you aren't really sick, make sure that your unwillingness to come in isn't going to cause any undue stress on your fellow employees because the truth will come out and it will spread among us faster than wildfire. I don't know how info spreads so fast when none of the cna's really work with each other, but there is a ridiculous amount of knowledge/rumors spread through minimal contact between the employees. 3) don't be suprised when you have a terrible day because someone decides to call off and leave you alone with 16 residents that require 24/7 attention. It's brutal and a very cruel punishment.

That's all the venting I have about work. I put in my "2 months" unofficial notice and applied to over 10 jobs with the nearby hospitals. The more I go to my current CNA job, the less I am able to tolerate all of the residents, the families, and the nurses yelling at me constantly. Nobody seems to realize that they can do the simple things they ask me to do. Nor do they realize that I am one person, who is bottom of the food chain, and I am responsible for 16 other people at any given time. I don't get paid enough for the abuse inflicted upon me by residents, let alone the families and management.

Halloween is quickly approaching. With it comes the couples costumes, scary shows, horror films, and evil looking decorations and masks. I don't tolerate this season well, especially now that I am an adult. I thought it would have gotten easier with time, but no...

Daily Thanksgiving: Work is done for today and I only have one more shift next week before two weeks off. I am actually studying... a week before my pharm test instead of the day before or the day of! I'm praying that G-d let's the info get soaked into my brain so that I can get an A because I'm putting a lot of work into studying this time (besides the little break I'm taking to write this.) Today without country music was easier. I have my days, but today was a better day breaking that addiction. I get to go to bed soon and I don't have to be a CNA tomorrow!

Good night y'all. Ttyl. I hope you sleep well and I hope life is going well. If not, praise G-d and learn from it. If it is, praise G-d and enjoy the peace because, let's face it, peace hardly lasts for long in this life. :)

Not much happenin'

I bought Pitch Perfect. If you haven't seen it, definitely consider watching it because I find it hilarious! Especially the really quiet girl because she always says the funniest things. My favorite is when she says, "I set fires to feel joy," to a boy and he says, "that's adorable!" I love that part because I like fire and everyone always looks at me weird when I say that. I like controlled fires and not destructive fire so candles and bonfires.

Unfortunately, there is a love story tied into the main storyline... The guy is pretty darn cute and the girl that he is diggin' is really pretty and she looks just like one of my friends. In fact, she likes music and works in the radio station just like my friend! It's wild.

Last night my parents called to talk to my brother and I. For some reason, I found myself confessing to my mom that I need more friends, hopefully people that are more like me yet not in the nursing program. Before that confession, I didn't even really realize that I needed more friends. However, I was home, on a Friday night, by 7:45 p.m. Guys, I'm doing college wrong because I don't even get invited out and I have no one to invite out so that we can do things together. My mom told me to go join a club or two. 1) I'm pretty lame for being a sophomore and having to ask my mom how to make friends... 2) I don't have the time between two jobs, time that I try to study, and class times. 3) I don't really have any skills, talents, or real hobbies that have been turned into clubs. So, that's cool. Any ideas?

Daily Thanksgiving: I got to go to church today and we had baptisms! I work tomorrow and next week Sunday and then I have the chance to not sign up for more shifts so I can take a break from that job because I dread going into work now. My friend suggested a new way to study for pharm that may very well help me! I really hope that it helps me because I do not want to flunk out of nursing school, nor do I want to have to take this class again because that would be highly unfortunate. My hair is curly! It's always been kinda curly, but it's a weird curl. Recently, I found Herbal Essence's curling moose and gel. Ya, it works. I love my curly hair and I've gotten so many compliments. I finally purchased Pitch Perfect. I'm able to hear from G-d again.  I was walking away from Him, which is probably what was causing much of my depression, because He has always been my go-to. Over the past few months, I've become more dependent on myself instead of relying on Him and so I lost His voice (usually consisting of Him bringing up topics in my life and giving me scriptures that allow me to "see" what He wants me to know from Him.) So, I've recently gotten His voice back, slowly but surely. I keep getting verses that are concerning, but L-rd willing, He will reveal what He means so that I'm not here freaking out. I'm really hoping that it isn't bad like it seems like they are...

Meanwhile, boys are becoming more attractive and I'm becoming increasingly concerned. Girls, I don't know how you handle this because I'm getting more and more distracted and I find myself daydreaming and glimpsing at cute guys all day. Is it because I'm surrounded by girls constantly? Is it because my brain is finally maturing to the level that everyone else my age is already at?

Guys, I have been studying you for sometime. Recently, this question popped into my head: What makes you like a girl in the first place? It seems like many guys go after girls that are pretty and typically at their "level" of attractiveness. After they find a pretty girl, then they start to pursue her and get to know her. Sometimes they go after friends but that seems to happen after they have been rejected by several other girls that they have unsuccessfully tried to pursue. Can any guys out there explain some of this to me? If you are willing to enlighten me on this matter, you can private message/email me and I would so appreciate it!

Frustrations of Rooming with Your Brother

This year, while at college, my brother and I decided to live in an apartment together. Wise idea? It seemed like it at the time, but it's turning out to be more difficult than I expected. We are constantly "stepping on each other's toes" because he is trying to figure out how to be an adult living on his own (away from parents) while I am further maturing from my year alone last year. Needless to say, he thinks I'm bossy and I find him to be showing signs of a VERY immature prefrontal cortex. He thinks he needs a motorcycle, he assumes that I don't need to be picked up at a certain time, he makes me late for class, he wouldn't listen to me about getting a schedule that is more condusive to my schedule because we are sharing a parking pass, and he is quite certain that he is right about everything and calls me condescending a lot. Yes, I have days where I think I'm right all the time, but it's because I am right. ;) If I'm wrong then I admit to it.

What brought this rage on today? I got to wait outside for him for over an hour even though I only have an hour to go home, eat a little something, then come back to school for BHA lab after grabbing my equipment and changing. What did he decide to do today? Go to the mall. He works there, so he went to go talk to his manager, but it's 20 minutes away (when there is no traffic). He texted me, during class, asking when I get out. I told him 12.

At 12:07, I get a text asking, "So you're going to the library to study right?" Where did he ever get that from?! I never told him that and he admitted  that I never told him that. I told him I needed to be picked up and he said he would be right there.

At 12:31 he texts me saying that he is just now leaving. Ya, I thought he already had. Remaining calm, I text him "ok." 12:56 he pulls up. I jump in and he says a quick, insincere sorry, and we rush off towards home.

1:07 I get into class. I'm late but today the instructor wasn't in lab because we were doing our midterms so she was in the sim lab with students. I was livid and flustered all during lab because of that nonsense. I didn't yell at him, though I wanted to. He asked if I was mad because I'm hardly ever stone-cold quiet, especially when I'm mad, but I just said, "Let's talk about it after I get home from class." That scared him. He said that made him nervous and it made the whole situation worse, I'm assuming it made him just feel worse because it didn't make him angry. Goal accomplished with that!

I think doing this quiet thing when I'm mad is going to be my new thing. I don't smile at jokes, I use short and bland responses, and I make the other person wait several hours for me to "cool off" before we discuss what happened and how to fix it. Sometimes it's just nice to scare someone so that they think twice before doing stupid things again. Yep, this will be my new thing.

Also, I got 100% on my midterm for BHA! Unfortunately, it only goes into the gradebook as a pass/fail... But it's nice to finally get a good grade (my first and likely last) in nursing school. I was so happy I almost hugged my professor. She probably would have been alright with that, but we stuck with a high-five instead. I think I'll frame it and possibly post a pic later.

While I was in the sim lab doing my midterm, my classmates took a hilarious photo of one of them giving birth!!! Gosh, I'm so sad I missed it because 1) it's hilarious, 2) I want a picture in my whites because I think they are adorable, 3) I just want to have fun but I always seem to miss it! Oh well, maybe another time?

Daily Thanksgiving: I didn't yell at my brother and I discovered a more effective way to scare him and get my point across. I got to wear my whites! I got 100% on something in nursing school. I made it through another day which is all I can hope for anymore. I got to go to the mall with my friend.

In other news, I don't think the St. John's Wort is helping or working. My overwhelming feelings of dread, anxiety, helplessness, and desire to quit everything and climb into a hole are slightly better, but it's still a battle every day. Maybe I'm getting burnt out? I don't know.

I went to the mall with my friend over the weekend to get our make-up done and to spend some time with her. It was nice to finally be able to talk to someone and tell them this new thing with me actually finding guys attractive and to be able to vent about how inconvenient it is. That didn't seem to help because then we just started talking about dream dates, what we think we need/want in guys, and how our past crushes didn't fit that. Also, I talked her through a friend break up. This is a bit of a long story, but this girl friend is the one who I was super close with last year. She and I were really close with the two guy friends (one of them liked me and she was crushing on the other one pretty hard.) So, she and the guy that liked me would talk about me and the guy she liked. Does this make sense so far? Anyway, the guys decided that they didn't want to hang out with her anymore recently, because they are being silly. So, she was trying to get to the bottom of it. They were being frightfully rude and hurtful, and the two guys "friend broke-up" with my girl friend. I am still friends with all three. Still, friend drama stresses me out like nobody's business!!!

I decided retail therapy would help me so I went and dropped $100 at Target getting things I "needed" and then buyer's remorse hit me like a semi when I walked in my door. Typical me. I need a stress outlet because I keep making foolish decisions and I'm constantly overwhelmed...

C'est la vie, non?

Middle-of-Semester Blahs

What a drag the middle of the semester is. Between midterms, projects, and tired teachers, I'm fried. Plus we are having super cold weather here and the sun seems to be always hiding whether I get up before sunrise or go to bed far after it sets. I need some vitamin D!

An interesting thing happened today. Keep in mind that I fight the flu vaccine like nobody's business, except for this year and the next two years due to clinicals. I still want to fight it but I'm not willing to get kicked out of nursing school. So, they have me up against a rock and a hard place and I'm letting them bully me. I'm disappointing myself. Anywho, the manager of my CNA job sent us an article that stated that vaccines are bad and should not be taken because of the aluminum and mercury in them!!! *facepalm* This is the same lady that gets all up in my grill for refusing vaccines on religious grounds. I read this email while at my library IT job and I almost started screaming and punching walls. I texted my mom about it and later called her because this is nonsense. People, if you are in management and you are enforcing something as controversial as flu shots, use some common sense and don't send out an article saying that they are bad. Duh! Man alive, I'm still rialed up about it. That may or may not have been exacerbated by the double espresso mocha coffee I had earlier and the Red Bull I just downed... Doesn't matter though. Yes, I know I get to be a bit much when I get frustrated but I hate when people try to shove something on you and then take it back or provide you with reasons why you shouldn't have done it. Generally I just dislike people telling me what to do if they aren't G-d Himself.

I suppose I'm a bit of a hothead and I need to just calm down and respect those in charge like the Bible says to do. We aren't supposed to roll over and just take what the leaders say though! We can fight and ask them why they want us to do stuff. My goodness, I am just having a hard time coping with this one. I'll post the article later...

What would you do, or what do you do, when your managers/leaders do stuff like this? Do you just suck it up and not think much about it? Do you ask them why they released an article like that for us to read if it contradicts what thy say to us? Do you get angry? Does it even matter?

I'm a fighter. When someone is pushing something on me I won't just take it. I want to know why, how, when, and anything else about it before I accept the change. Even then I am resistant to it. Maybe that's just because I like for things to stay the same all the time. Perhaps it's because I've been burnt far too many times to count by people that were supposed to have my best interest in mind and by people I thought I could trust.

That was my day... How was yours?

Daily Thanksgiving: The teacher that most of the people in my class doesn't like 1) is kind to me, 2) knows my name, 3) has extended grace to me several times. I'm not a teachers pet, but I do talk to her and explain my situation. I like that she knows my name because no teachers ever seem to remember my name, not even when I was in high school. It's likely because I typically don't talk much to teachers or in class, so I'm okay with them not knowing me. However, it's nice to be heard and known sometimes. I am also making loads of friends in the nursing program and I'm starting to remember names!

No Rest for the Weary

Class this morning went well. Nothing really new. I called my brother to come pick me up but his car died so I walked a mile... in flip flops... in snow flurries. I should have worn proper foot wear but I was late and wasn't expecting my extra little trek, nor was I expecting SNOW this early in the month! Got home, changed for lab and ate a little lunch. Go to lab, practice my assessment midterm. I don't think I did great even though my teacher said I did "perfect." She's nice, I like her. Mannequins, not so much, especially when they talk and I cannot find either radial pulse or the blood pressure sounds. I promise I know how to take blood pressure! Get home, drink a large cup of coffee with delicious creamer, eat some early dinner, and get to studying for the test due tonight. While my computer was turning on, I decided to lay down and wrap up in a blanket because I've been frozen since I got up this morning. 2 hours later I wake up slightly disoriented. Apparently my brother came in while I was asleep and had a conversation with me where I was slightly grouchy with him for turning on the lights. I remember about 5 seconds of said conversation, but it seemed like a dream. This is an issue. I normally don't sleep walk unless I'm beyond exhausted or extremely stressed out. I am both at this point in time so that explains it. Good thing I didn't sleep walk, I was just sleep talking.

Today was a struggle, but my mood is continually improving. Hopefully this St. John's Wort is working and it's not just a placebo effect that's going to drop off suddenly leaving me in a bigger mess than before. Maybe this boyfriend thing is being perpetuated by my self medication with this herb? Interesting. I doubt it, but I've noticed that when I get less stressed about life and school, I tend to start wanting a boyfriend because I have the notion that I can handle another major time-sucker in my life at the moment. That's probably a bad idea, huh?

I'll keep y'all updated on my status with this SJW supplement. So far I don't seem to have any adverse effects besides the whole boy conundrum.

Daily Thanksgiving: Life sucks and then it's over. Someday nursing school will be done and life will commence! Until that day, G-d is making me stronger even if it doesn't feel like it.

Pinterest Struggles...

It has consumed my time. It has made me dream of my future while also allowing me to show others what I fantasize it will be like. It has also stirred this desire for a beau. Old story with me, I know and I'm sorry.

Does anyone else get like this? I have no prospects, nor do I really know any eligible bachelors, let alone ones that have the same morals and boundaries as me, but I still find myself hoping that G-d will bring me someone... yesterday (aka right now; I never understood that saying until a few years ago but my mom had been using it since I was a little kid!).

I don't understand what's wrong with me! I used to be okay being independent, single, and focused on school. I didn't understand the attraction to boys and I was fine looking and acting like a boy. Now I walk down the halls, minding my own business, and there are cute boys everywhere. Maybe I'm just now hitting puberty? Perhaps G-d really will bring me someone. Maybe I'm just going nuts and should see a professional to get some meds. I don't know. Regardless, this nonsense has got to stop because I am having a rough time focusing on school. It's not really the fault of the general population of males, I guess it's my own fault for finally "seeing" them.

Pinterest has got some cute date ideas though! Also, I fit the country girl description to a T, except for the fact that my country born/raised father raised me up in the city. He still raised me a country girl, but I haven't had the pleasure of knowing everyone in town and being able to go to bonfires with my own friends. Don't get me wrong, I've been to plenty! But my dad is usually the one to start the bonfire party so I was supervised the whole time.

Oy, this is an issue. Life would be so much simpler if: I could just stay a tomboy, focus on school, remain satisfied single, not procrastinate, I had never found Pinterest, and if I could just not "see" silly boys as the handsome guys G-d made you to be...


Side note to guys: Y'all drive us nuts! You can lift 15x more than us girls. Your metabolisms are generally a LOT faster than ours so you can eat just about anything you want. Muscles look way better on you than they do on us. Baseball caps look amazing on you, especially when you're rocking Wranglers or Levi's and some slightly muddy cowboy boots. For some reason you guys know how to fix darn near everything from the washer to the car to the sprinkler system. Your faces look so darn cute with a bit of grease on it. Your sleepy voice, when it's especially deep and a bit scratchy is adorable. When your hair is mussed up it still looks good and I love how when a tall, broad shouldered boy makes me feel small and petite when I'm standin' next to him. Guys, I have heard a lot about how you like the little things us girls do, but the little things you do make us pretty doggone happy too. So, boys, don't underestimate how much we like you and all your male-ness. Let us girls jump in and have some fun too, though. Some of us like fixin' trucks, going muddin', lightin' stuff on fire (it makes my heart happy, but not when it's destructive/bad... just bonfires and stuff), fishin', and shootin'. Also, if you teach us how to watch/play football, you may just have a new football fan to scream at the t.v. with because, let's face it, us girls look pretty darn good in one of your over-sized jerseys.


I better go do my homework and get down on my knees to pray that G-d snap me out of this! It's like the Scotty McCreery song, "The Trouble With Girls," but I am starting to feel the same way about boys... It really seems like my friends already went through this stage in 5th or 6th grade. Here I am, almost 20, just now beginning this inconvenient journey.

Daily Thanksgiving: Today was long, but it was a fairly good day. Perhaps the St. John's Wort is working or maybe it's just a placebo effect. I'm not overly happy, but I'm not down in the dumps. Every day not spent at the bottom makes me think that I can survive and G-d will bring me through because I know He is the only one that can, and He will. I get to go to sleep! Also, I did my hair and my makeup and wore my favorite outfit. My friend said I looked pretty and that made me feel pretty good. I like compliments :)

Better Ending

I had two tests this week: Pharmacology and my Pharm Math midterm.

Pharm: 70% Not great but G-d gave me a better score than I was expecting. I need to bring my average up though to an average above 74% for all tests otherwise I fail the class.

Pharm Math: 82%. This is terrible! It was all easy math and some simple conversion. I labeled my answers when they weren't pre-labeled and I showed all my work. I don't know how I got a B- but I probably just made a bunch of dumb mistakes. Nursing school always catches me off-guard.


I went home to see my parents this weekend. It was really nice to eat a Shabbat dinner with them and we talked for hours! It's amazing how much changes in a month and a half when I am not there to hear about it every night.

I emailed my bosses at my current nursing home job about possibly transferring to the hospital as a CNA. I just got an amazing recommendation letter from one of them and it made me feel really good. Hopefully G-d provides me with a new job that pays better and at a place where I can learn more about actual nursing instead of just the CNA side of it. We'll see.

Pinterest has currently caught most of my attention. Presently I am planning for all sorts of fun things like my perfect dates, cute outfits and make-up for said dates, adorable hairstyles, and my wedding. This is not a good idea. Between Pinterest and country music, I can tell that I am going to bottom out really bad soon. I even started watching love stories because I hope that it will be me. This is completely irrational because love stories are totally made up and that kind of stuff doesn't happen to girls like me. Still, I am finding it difficult to stay away from these things so that I can focus on school and real life. I just want a cowboy boyfriend that has all 573 characteristics that I have written down to love me, and start dating me right now, and then marry me after we're both finished with college. Is that too much to ask? I'm pretty sure my plan is not G-d's plan, but I keep asking Him for it anyway... His thoughts are higher than my thoughts and His ways are higher than my ways. He has a plan for my life which may or may not include a beau or husband, but my sinful heart is desiring a boy. How foolish is that?! Is it just me or do others of you have these kind of silly desires that don't seem to match what G-d wants for you but you can't let go of them? If you can let go of them, how do you?

I need some seriously professional help.

Good news: My Mocha latte is kicking in and I hope to get some homework/studying done today!

Bad news: The guy made it wrong because I asked for it to be made with soy but he used whole milk... I'm lactose intolerant... Boy, I wish my body made the right enzymes so that I can eat the Italian and French food that I'm always craving. My grandparents are Cajun, Italian, French, and a few other things, but most of our bloodlines come from places that use a lot of dairy products. My family is all pretty much okay with everything, except for me. I can't seem to eat anything anymore. h well, it's a good motivator to eat salads, plain chicken, and generally healthy food. Throw in some Chick-fil-a every once in a while and I am set.

Daily Thanksgiving: I got to go home. I got to see my puppy and my parents. My mother is a fantastic Italian cook and we got so much good food! G-d got us back to our apartment safely despite the crazy drivers, ridiculous amount of construction, and general crazy driving skills I possess. I'm learning how to do my make-up (normally I wear 0 make-up or just cover up when my face is breaking out) and I feel a little bit pretty even though beauty "comes from the inside". I believe that it does, but it's so cliche and sometimes it's good to feel pretty on the outside too. My grades are somewhat decent. I have a clean room! (This makes my brother happier than it makes me, but it's good to have a happy roommate.)
 
Off to do some school work. Have a good rest of your weekend!

"They're starting to build their own eco-systems..."

This, as said by my brother, amused me far more than it should have. He was asking me to do the dishes because we are out of all dishes because neither of us have done them at all this week. This is way gross, I know, but I'm a college student and don't have a whole lot of time.

I did clean my room today, though! I also finished unpacking my room because I haven't completely unpacked since I moved in here over the summer. Unpacking is huge for me because since we lost our house when I was in high school, I never trust that that won't happen again. Plus, I have moved almost every year since then and it is a huge inconvenience to pack and unpack an umpteen number of times as I move from house to house with my parents and also move back and forth from college. So, long story short, I am settling in even though I may only live here for another 8 months or so. I guess we'll see where the L-rd wants us next year!

I have a confession, though, I didn't clean my room just to clean. I cleaned it to avoid studying for my pharmacology test tomorrow. Super bad decision. I have studied for the test, however, for several hours over the past few days. Hopefully I don't fail it. I really need help learning how to study and I also need to teach myself motivation so I can start studying weeks ahead so that I can actually learn my material instead of guessing on every question. If only I could figure out how to do this...

Started on St. John's Wort today. I am self-medicating to see if I can avoid going to the doctor for my depression symptoms. My brother has been informed to watch for worsening symptoms in me, but I doubt it will begin to kick in for a few weeks.

I had a Redbull and sweet tea. It explains a lot about this post, I know.

Another bad decision: I have been listening to country music for the past few days. Also, I keep playing with make-up when I come home. I am trying to decide if I should wear it tomorrow, but I probably won't.

Do you ever feel like being surrounded by tons of friends and having everyone do something fun with you? I'm having one of those days. By tomorrow I should be back to my normal self, trying to avoid any contact with anyone.

Pinterest has suddenly caught my attention. I find myself planning outfits, dates, and my wedding. I don't have any prospect of getting a boyfriend anytime soon, but my poor decision to listen to country music has got me thinking about what type of bf I want, what we should do on dates, and how I want to look on said dates. I need to stop this nonsense before it gets me in more trouble with myself!

Daily Thanksgiving: I made it to work today. I cleaned my room. My day went by quickly. I got Chick-fil-a and sweet tea. I am getting better at doing my make-up. I got some hopefully helpful herbs to help with my current sad and helpless state. I get to go home (real home) to see my mama, daddy, and my dog! I have studied over the past few days so I'm not super stressed about my coming pharm test, but I'm still nervous because this class is nuts!

Good night y'all.

Havin' Some Fun

This past week we had a guest speaker in one of my classes. She explained the history of our nursing school and showed pictures from the 40's and 50's of nursing students having so much fun. They dressed up their manikin (which is still on display at our college), they dressed up in football uniforms when they were working with the football team (which could have gotten them in tons of trouble), and they got into so many shenanigans. Looking at what we have now, we are not living up to their model of nursing school. They had a blast and right now, I am miserable. Most of my class is reporting that they are miserable. Why?

Last night I went bowling with a bunch of friends. None of them are in the nursing program, but it was good to be with my dorm friends from last year. I never realized how much I missed them. Of course, I say I miss them a bunch, but you never understand the depth of that until you are reunited. Fortunately, no body has changed over the summer. Well, some hairstyles are different, but personalities are fully intact and even magnified from last year. I think that's just because we are ridiculously comfortable with each other. I never thought I would be wishing to be back in my tiny dorm rooms, but I am.

There is a song that says you're gonna miss this when it's gone. It's totally true. There is also a Bible verse that tells us to not dwell in the past, missing what has already happened and wishing it would come back. Thus, my nostalgic moment must come to an end and I will learn to focus on today.

School is settling down for a week, but don't worry, it will get crazy again here shortly.

Daily Thanksgiving: Bowling was fun and I won up until the 6th frame. I came in second overall with no bumpers though! I was able to see some friends and blow off some steam. Today is also surprisingly productive for me and I got tons of stuff done Thursday, so I don't have any homework due, just reading.