Today was my last day working my IT job for the summer and possibly forever. It is so surreal that I have finished my second year of college (well, one more final tomorrow) and I am finished with one school-year of working as an IT person. Not quite sure if it is good or bad yet, we shall see.
In light of it being my last day, I would like to tell y'all a funny story. Well, it's kinda funny... for me...
One of my friends that works IT with me asked me to a party this Friday. He was telling me how great it would be and it's all in his apartment complex. I said "no" just flat out. There was a smile on my face but I told him no. He and his friend continued on about how fun it would be and yada, yada, yada. Then he asked if I was single. He has a girlfriend so he wasn't asking for himself. Turns out he has a friend who is Messianic who was going to be at the party and my friend was absolutely convinced I needed to go so that I could possibly meet this fellow. I told them no because I am ridiculously awkward and I was planning on getting my tongue pierced so I would be unable to speak. Then they tried for 10 minutes trying to convince me that I am not awkward because I wear cowboy boots to school and they don't know anybody in cowboy boots that are awkward... Yikes, these boys just haven't spent enough time with me. That and they are both really charismatic which means they could have a conversation with a rock and the rock would talk back and none of the conversation would be awkward.
My mom laughed at that story for like 5 minutes...
Happy Finals Week everyone. Finish strong! I believe in you.
Showing posts with label guy friend. Show all posts
Showing posts with label guy friend. Show all posts
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Monday, March 24, 2014
Liar Liar
This Valentine's Day, my best friend presented me with a teddy bear and a rose. He had asked me out in the past (about a year prior) and I told him we would have to wait to reassess upon our graduation from college. I made the foolish decision to throw that rule out the window and we decided to "try this thing out."
Big mistake.
I saw that we wouldn't work as anything more than friends since before he asked me out last year. I ignored that. Our faith is different. I ignored that. Everything that works as opposites for friends but causes huge problems in a deeper relationship, I ignored.
So, about a month and a half after this thing started, I ended it.
The worst feeling for me is the feeling of disappointing someone I love. I love him but not in a romantic way, it's in a way that I can't even explain. I have never seen someone so hurt because of my actions. I knew that breaking up with someone would be hard, but I didn't realize in what capacity. It's rough guys. But at the same time, it is necessary in some instances if the relationship is against G-d's will.
If you are thinking of getting into a relationship, listen to G-d and your gut feelings. If it seems like a bad decision but your friends, family, and mentors talk you into it, ignore them. If someone has to talk you into it then it's likely not right to begin with.
For years everyone around me (and very few of them know each other) has been trying to talk me into getting into a relationship. For some reason, they feel that I would benefit from having a boyfriend. They have told me it would be fun, good experience, complimenting to my personality, etc. They lied.
For me: having a boyfriend was not fun, it was an increased amount of stress, anxiety attacks, and worsened depression; the good experience part was not entirely false, but it was experience of how selfish I am and how to hurt my closest friend; our personalities complimented each other when we were friends, but in a relationship of this magnitude we were toxic to each other.
They lied. I was foolish. Life sucked because I was outside of G-d's instruction. Also, I feel like a freakin' psycho path because I didn't feel as bad as I thought I would after the break up. 1) He was so stinkin' sweet and said he just needed time, but that we would be friends again. 2) I felt bad that I disappointed him, but I also felt free for the first time in a long time. Shouldn't break ups hurt both people equally? Shouldn't I be incapacitated with grief? Shouldn't I have shed some tears for the friend that I broke?
Good news: I learned to not listen to anyone who tells me to go against what I know G-d has put on my heart, not even my mom or G-dly mentors. We never kissed, even though I was considering it. I learned how selfish I am and I now understand why G-d didn't give me a boyfriend every time I asked Him for one (especially the ones I asked Him for.) I am learning to talk about the hard stuff in life that I'm used to brushing under the rug and ignoring until it goes away. I can hear G-d again when I wasn't able to for several months before and during this whole thing happened. I also learned that no matter how strong the friendship, that won't necessarily make a good relationship. However, if you are friends before the relationship it is more likely that you can be friends afterwards. The friendship will probably change, and not likely in the best way, but you will not necessarily have an enemy. They are also more likely to be understanding as to why you broke up.
For now, I am self medicating with children's movies, work, some Chick-fil-a, and a touch of cookie dough. That day keeps playing over and over in my head and I want to talk to my best friend but he's the one I broke. So, isolation is setting in but at the same time I feel relieved that it's over. I'm taking my hurt to G-d and asking G-d to heal my friend who is hurting much worse than I am. I successfully ruined both of our spring breaks and I changed our friendship forever (or at least the foreseeable future.)
My advice is that you don't jump into anything too rashly. Listen to what G-d is telling you and actually do it. Know that not every friendship is conducive to a romantic (YUCK! I regretted this word choice as I was typing it, but it is what it is.)
Big mistake.
I saw that we wouldn't work as anything more than friends since before he asked me out last year. I ignored that. Our faith is different. I ignored that. Everything that works as opposites for friends but causes huge problems in a deeper relationship, I ignored.
So, about a month and a half after this thing started, I ended it.
The worst feeling for me is the feeling of disappointing someone I love. I love him but not in a romantic way, it's in a way that I can't even explain. I have never seen someone so hurt because of my actions. I knew that breaking up with someone would be hard, but I didn't realize in what capacity. It's rough guys. But at the same time, it is necessary in some instances if the relationship is against G-d's will.
If you are thinking of getting into a relationship, listen to G-d and your gut feelings. If it seems like a bad decision but your friends, family, and mentors talk you into it, ignore them. If someone has to talk you into it then it's likely not right to begin with.
For years everyone around me (and very few of them know each other) has been trying to talk me into getting into a relationship. For some reason, they feel that I would benefit from having a boyfriend. They have told me it would be fun, good experience, complimenting to my personality, etc. They lied.
For me: having a boyfriend was not fun, it was an increased amount of stress, anxiety attacks, and worsened depression; the good experience part was not entirely false, but it was experience of how selfish I am and how to hurt my closest friend; our personalities complimented each other when we were friends, but in a relationship of this magnitude we were toxic to each other.
They lied. I was foolish. Life sucked because I was outside of G-d's instruction. Also, I feel like a freakin' psycho path because I didn't feel as bad as I thought I would after the break up. 1) He was so stinkin' sweet and said he just needed time, but that we would be friends again. 2) I felt bad that I disappointed him, but I also felt free for the first time in a long time. Shouldn't break ups hurt both people equally? Shouldn't I be incapacitated with grief? Shouldn't I have shed some tears for the friend that I broke?
Good news: I learned to not listen to anyone who tells me to go against what I know G-d has put on my heart, not even my mom or G-dly mentors. We never kissed, even though I was considering it. I learned how selfish I am and I now understand why G-d didn't give me a boyfriend every time I asked Him for one (especially the ones I asked Him for.) I am learning to talk about the hard stuff in life that I'm used to brushing under the rug and ignoring until it goes away. I can hear G-d again when I wasn't able to for several months before and during this whole thing happened. I also learned that no matter how strong the friendship, that won't necessarily make a good relationship. However, if you are friends before the relationship it is more likely that you can be friends afterwards. The friendship will probably change, and not likely in the best way, but you will not necessarily have an enemy. They are also more likely to be understanding as to why you broke up.
For now, I am self medicating with children's movies, work, some Chick-fil-a, and a touch of cookie dough. That day keeps playing over and over in my head and I want to talk to my best friend but he's the one I broke. So, isolation is setting in but at the same time I feel relieved that it's over. I'm taking my hurt to G-d and asking G-d to heal my friend who is hurting much worse than I am. I successfully ruined both of our spring breaks and I changed our friendship forever (or at least the foreseeable future.)
My advice is that you don't jump into anything too rashly. Listen to what G-d is telling you and actually do it. Know that not every friendship is conducive to a romantic (YUCK! I regretted this word choice as I was typing it, but it is what it is.)
Friday, February 14, 2014
I have a Valentine
For my whole life, my family has been my Valentine. That was, until about 3 years ago when we stopped celebrating the day. So today was literally just another day for me. Never did I expect to have a Valentine.
Well, I'm sure you can guess that I did in fact get something today. Last night my best friend texted me asking if I would go with him to pick up some concert tickets. No big deal, it's normal for us to haul each other around town doing errands and such. So, I went along with it. I had a tiny idea that he may try to do something, but we didn't even talk about it being Valentine's Day, we just hung out.
We went and got tickets then drove to the other side of town to get my anxiety candies (literally candies, not pills). Then, we decided to continue the adventure and visit Bass Pro. The day was pretty normal, just the pair of us hangin' out, teasing each other, and just chillin'.
When he parked to drop me off, he had me open the glove box. I thought it was odd but I did it, not thinking anything else. Inside was a little stuffed bear. He then presented me with a single red rose and told me I was his "everything". He knows I'm not dating yet, but that was the sweetest thing I've ever gotten.
So that was my day... How was yours? I was expecting a much more cynical post today so feel free to share angry, sad, cynical, happy, anything.
Well, I'm sure you can guess that I did in fact get something today. Last night my best friend texted me asking if I would go with him to pick up some concert tickets. No big deal, it's normal for us to haul each other around town doing errands and such. So, I went along with it. I had a tiny idea that he may try to do something, but we didn't even talk about it being Valentine's Day, we just hung out.
We went and got tickets then drove to the other side of town to get my anxiety candies (literally candies, not pills). Then, we decided to continue the adventure and visit Bass Pro. The day was pretty normal, just the pair of us hangin' out, teasing each other, and just chillin'.
When he parked to drop me off, he had me open the glove box. I thought it was odd but I did it, not thinking anything else. Inside was a little stuffed bear. He then presented me with a single red rose and told me I was his "everything". He knows I'm not dating yet, but that was the sweetest thing I've ever gotten.
So that was my day... How was yours? I was expecting a much more cynical post today so feel free to share angry, sad, cynical, happy, anything.
Monday, August 5, 2013
All Day School
I forgot how tough it was to sit through class all day! I am taking a summer/interim course that condenses a whole semester into a week and I keep almost falling asleep in class because I get so bored. The internet doesn't even work in the class so I keep nodding off during lecture and it's nearly impossible to keep my eyes open. The morning is worse than the afternoon for some reason, but I'm now done with about 4-5 weeks (out of 15) of the course! I love these condensed courses. Just get it all done with all together so that I don't have to mess with it anymore when I have so many other classes during the normal semester.
If you have to option to take a condensed course or a semester course, do the condensed. It is tough and intense, but you study as you go and the teachers are usually more inclined to grade easier and have slightly easier tests because it is so much work in such a short time.
By the time I get home I'm exhausted, my brain is fried, I'm starving and I just want to veg. I was more productive today though! For all of you procrastinators out there, not procrastinating is actually easier than it seems. I came home, cooked, watched a little t.v., and then started studying. It's not that bad, you just have to eat some carbs (I like apples and peanut butter) for brain fuel, and then dig into studying! It's be over before you know it as long as you stay focused. I think my major problem staying focused was the fact that I usually eat the wrong things and then I want to snack the whole time I should be studying so I start munching. Before you know it, I have gained 10 pounds in a week because I should be studying for a test but I get bored ad begin to eat. So, eat carbs (brain food) and some protein with a little fiber (to keep you full) and study, study, study. It's really helped me, today anyway.
Now that I'm done, I'm kinda really want to go to the county fair with my guy friends. I think I'm a little low on testosterone... I can't fix that this week, though. I have a mid-term Wednesday and a final on Friday. This means you'll likely hear from me a whole lot this week, unless I can fix my procrastination/binge eating cycle... We'll see.
Daily Thanksgiving: I made it through the first day of class and I'm close to a quarter of the way done! My family reunion is on Saturday and I get to see my favorite people EVER in my favorite place! I am getting better with cutting down on procrastination. I get to go to sleep now.
On a completely random note, I was recently informed that I am introspective. I guess it makes sense. I don't really see it because I'm constantly listening to my own, non-ending thoughts. I had a revelation the other day, but I kinda forget it right now. Once I remember it and have it "well worded" (as good as it gets from me, anyway), I will share it with you. It will probably seem like common sense to you, but it was profoundly powerful when G-d gave me the revelation so maybe it can help someone.
If you have to option to take a condensed course or a semester course, do the condensed. It is tough and intense, but you study as you go and the teachers are usually more inclined to grade easier and have slightly easier tests because it is so much work in such a short time.
By the time I get home I'm exhausted, my brain is fried, I'm starving and I just want to veg. I was more productive today though! For all of you procrastinators out there, not procrastinating is actually easier than it seems. I came home, cooked, watched a little t.v., and then started studying. It's not that bad, you just have to eat some carbs (I like apples and peanut butter) for brain fuel, and then dig into studying! It's be over before you know it as long as you stay focused. I think my major problem staying focused was the fact that I usually eat the wrong things and then I want to snack the whole time I should be studying so I start munching. Before you know it, I have gained 10 pounds in a week because I should be studying for a test but I get bored ad begin to eat. So, eat carbs (brain food) and some protein with a little fiber (to keep you full) and study, study, study. It's really helped me, today anyway.
Now that I'm done, I'm kinda really want to go to the county fair with my guy friends. I think I'm a little low on testosterone... I can't fix that this week, though. I have a mid-term Wednesday and a final on Friday. This means you'll likely hear from me a whole lot this week, unless I can fix my procrastination/binge eating cycle... We'll see.
Daily Thanksgiving: I made it through the first day of class and I'm close to a quarter of the way done! My family reunion is on Saturday and I get to see my favorite people EVER in my favorite place! I am getting better with cutting down on procrastination. I get to go to sleep now.
On a completely random note, I was recently informed that I am introspective. I guess it makes sense. I don't really see it because I'm constantly listening to my own, non-ending thoughts. I had a revelation the other day, but I kinda forget it right now. Once I remember it and have it "well worded" (as good as it gets from me, anyway), I will share it with you. It will probably seem like common sense to you, but it was profoundly powerful when G-d gave me the revelation so maybe it can help someone.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Popcorn?
I just got invited to go to the movies... by a boy... I have to pick the movie, but this is proving to be a slight dilemma.
Tomorrow I work with my girls so I will talk it over with them a bit.
I'll let you guys know what happens.
Still feel free to give some input. Please, feel free.
Tomorrow I work with my girls so I will talk it over with them a bit.
I'll let you guys know what happens.
Still feel free to give some input. Please, feel free.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Strange Turn of Events
So, country boy told me he was waiting for a text from me these past few weeks, so I decided to text him first tonight. We had a really odd conversation at first, not much was said. Then, by the end of the whole thing he was asking if we could hang out again. If we do, we are going to be hanging out as pals, but I have to figure out what we are going to do. What should we do? Remember, I am BROKE beyond belief. Good news: we are in an area where fishing is a definite possibility, we have rivers to play in, we could go muddin' if it rains that day, or we could find something else to do... Bad news: it against my rules to be alone with a guy (I have been down that road and it is a bad decision every time), I don't have a fishing pole, I don't hang out outside of my house and I have no idea what I even like to do let alone what there is to do around here. Folks, I'm recruiting you for advice. I really need some input. I need something from y'all, anything. Insult me (if you have to), tell me it's a bad idea or suggest something that we could do. My dear readers, save me from myself here. Remember, I am still at an age where my pre-frontal cortex is not fully developed which means that I am bad at making decisions. So, HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE, please help me.
Just got another strange text but I don't have the energy to even go on a spiel about that...
Daily Thanksgiving: My cynical day got better, then it got weirder. However, it started out really bad and got better so that's a huge bonus. I am so very grateful that today is over and tomorrow starts a new day and I can start over with a clean slate. I went to a really easy meeting at work. We talked about C. diff with our facility's pharmacist and she used a lot of microbiology and A&P terms. So, I was super stoked that I followed her whole presentation and knew the answers to all but one of her questions. Guys, I'm learning something and I see that it will actually be relevant to my career as a nurse!!! I love to learn and I get all nerdy about it so forgive that little outburst of geekiness, but learning gets me more excited than boys... that's probably a huge problem...
Just got another strange text but I don't have the energy to even go on a spiel about that...
Daily Thanksgiving: My cynical day got better, then it got weirder. However, it started out really bad and got better so that's a huge bonus. I am so very grateful that today is over and tomorrow starts a new day and I can start over with a clean slate. I went to a really easy meeting at work. We talked about C. diff with our facility's pharmacist and she used a lot of microbiology and A&P terms. So, I was super stoked that I followed her whole presentation and knew the answers to all but one of her questions. Guys, I'm learning something and I see that it will actually be relevant to my career as a nurse!!! I love to learn and I get all nerdy about it so forgive that little outburst of geekiness, but learning gets me more excited than boys... that's probably a huge problem...
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Been Away
Wow, I logged in this morning and there were viewers from all around the world in my little stats column. I want to say there were about 5-6 other countries besides the US which is just amazing to me! Plus, we've surpassed 900 pageviews which makes me so happy!!!
What's up Washington and Utah! How are y'all doing? Russia, Malaysia, Germany, Argentina, Brazil, Venezuela and America, it's nice to see you checking in! How is everyone doing?
Sorry I've not been posting anything lately. It turns out that I am extremely busy when I come home from college and I just plain forget to keep y'all in the loop. I plan on changing that and this post will likely be very long...
First of all, I would like to add something to my advice the the older me:
13) Set and enforce boundaries. They need to be put in place in order to make sure you stay safe and do not get walked on. Other peoples feelings are important, but you cannot control how they feel or react to your boundaries and you must be aware of that. Make sure that you respect yourself enough to set boundaries to protect yourself and your sanity, then enforce them in a loving way.
Next, I have some good news. (Sorry about the elementary school writing today-the first, next, etc-I'm just keeping all my information spread out in case you need to take a few sittings to read this ever-growing post.) The good news is that I got an 86% on my anatomy final, which I thought would secure a solid B in the class. G-d had other plans, however. He got my an A-! Last semester I was distraught at the idea that I would not get a 4.0 gpa because I got an A- in this same class last semester too. This semester though, I am so very happy that my gpa is not going to drop further! I was sure I was also going to get a B+ or A- in chem, but the L-rd got me an A in chem. Praise the L-rd! He is getting me amazing grades even though I didn't think I would get them and it was all Him because I did not work as hard as I should have this semester.
Also, my guy friend and I talked a little bit. I am so glad that he brings the feelings and stuff up, because I really am not good at talking about feelings. It was a good talk. We discussed what has been going on and where we are headed. He said he would treat me right if we ever begin dating and I completely believe him. I mentioned my boundaries and he is totally respectful of them. I also mentioned it could be 3-7 years (huge span I know) before I could begin to even conceive of myself getting in a relationship, he respected that too and said he would wait. After feeling like I have just been used by all the guys that have shown interest in me in the past, it is so strange to know that he cherishes me. He does not speak inappropriately to me, he listens to me and is honest with me when I ask for advice. Though I have not dated anyone-and I am very glad I have not!-the qualities he possesses will be qualities that girls need to look for. He holds open doors, lets me speak my mind, and he tries to learn about me. Even my beliefs about G-d, the Bible, and the Holy Days/holidays I celebrate; he is trying to learn about it all! I pray that I do not break his heart, because we do not know if we will even work out at the end of my schooling of 3-7 years, but I have told him that he can date others and we will reassess when I am finished, if need be. For now, we are in a pleasant zone between friends and dating. I don't know how long this will be pleasant for us. Perhaps there will be major shifting sometime down the road and we will decide we are not right for each other far before my schooling is completed. Currently, however, I am satisfied and comfortable knowing that he knows my desires for dating, some of my boundaries, and my timescale. He is so very respectful, I am having a hard time believing our talk went so well, mainly because I tend to royally screw things up.
Finally, I want to tell you about my brother. All this year he has been perplexing to me. I would walk in the door after being gone at school for a month and he would tell me to go home (he meant back to school). He did not like me or be very nice to me and we would fight so much. Then, about a week or two ago, he texted me letting me know he was applying to my college. This was surprising because he had already applied to the community college near our parents home and he was planning on staying at home with them to finish up his prereques for school. Now, he is applying to my school and asking to move in with me when I get an apartment. Since I have gotten home this last week, we have been hanging out and talking about how we would furnish the apartment, if he gets into my university. We went to lunch yesterday and we talked like old friends. This relationship with my brother is what I missed to very much this last year. I had given it to G-d and accepted that my brother may never speak to me again. Then G-d turned my brother's heart back to accepting me. We have not had a fight since I have been home (which is rare for us to go this long), and he is kind to me without expecting me to do anything for him in return. For this, my heart is so very joyful.
Daily Thanksgivings: I was able to go to shul on Saturday for Shavuot (more on this holiday later). I got an A- in anatomy!!! I am finished with school. My brother graduates high school on friday, he's getting so big... My brother is being very kind and treating me like a comrad, instead of an enemy. My guy friend initiated another feelings talk and it went very well. I am home. The pain I received from the email I received from my former roommate is subsiding substantially. I have likely lost her friendship, which I understand because I was unable to warn her earlier, but all of this is for the best and G-d is calming my heart. He is taking my burden of worry, stress, guilt and unrighteous anger from me.
Praise the L-rd! My cup runneth over.
1 Peter 5:7 - "Cast all your anxieties upon Him because He cares for you."
This verse seems to be my life verse. Despite the many anxieties I have (and many are made up in my head), He takes them all and calms my heart. He alone can do this. He alone takes my depression and protects me (often from myself when the depression gets really bad). He soothes me when sleep will not come and I cry in my room because I feel alone or stressed. He is always with me, even when I feel completely isolated from the billions of other people on this giant rock. He even fashioned me, this giant rock, and the universe. He knows my every weakness, yet He loves me. He knows my past, He is with me in my present, and He has gone before me into my future. He loves me when no one else seems to be able to. He protects me from the dangers of this world. He provides for my every need and teaches me how to live, trust, and love. He is everything I need, yet He plants desires in my heart, then fulfills them!
What's up Washington and Utah! How are y'all doing? Russia, Malaysia, Germany, Argentina, Brazil, Venezuela and America, it's nice to see you checking in! How is everyone doing?
Sorry I've not been posting anything lately. It turns out that I am extremely busy when I come home from college and I just plain forget to keep y'all in the loop. I plan on changing that and this post will likely be very long...
First of all, I would like to add something to my advice the the older me:
13) Set and enforce boundaries. They need to be put in place in order to make sure you stay safe and do not get walked on. Other peoples feelings are important, but you cannot control how they feel or react to your boundaries and you must be aware of that. Make sure that you respect yourself enough to set boundaries to protect yourself and your sanity, then enforce them in a loving way.
Next, I have some good news. (Sorry about the elementary school writing today-the first, next, etc-I'm just keeping all my information spread out in case you need to take a few sittings to read this ever-growing post.) The good news is that I got an 86% on my anatomy final, which I thought would secure a solid B in the class. G-d had other plans, however. He got my an A-! Last semester I was distraught at the idea that I would not get a 4.0 gpa because I got an A- in this same class last semester too. This semester though, I am so very happy that my gpa is not going to drop further! I was sure I was also going to get a B+ or A- in chem, but the L-rd got me an A in chem. Praise the L-rd! He is getting me amazing grades even though I didn't think I would get them and it was all Him because I did not work as hard as I should have this semester.
Also, my guy friend and I talked a little bit. I am so glad that he brings the feelings and stuff up, because I really am not good at talking about feelings. It was a good talk. We discussed what has been going on and where we are headed. He said he would treat me right if we ever begin dating and I completely believe him. I mentioned my boundaries and he is totally respectful of them. I also mentioned it could be 3-7 years (huge span I know) before I could begin to even conceive of myself getting in a relationship, he respected that too and said he would wait. After feeling like I have just been used by all the guys that have shown interest in me in the past, it is so strange to know that he cherishes me. He does not speak inappropriately to me, he listens to me and is honest with me when I ask for advice. Though I have not dated anyone-and I am very glad I have not!-the qualities he possesses will be qualities that girls need to look for. He holds open doors, lets me speak my mind, and he tries to learn about me. Even my beliefs about G-d, the Bible, and the Holy Days/holidays I celebrate; he is trying to learn about it all! I pray that I do not break his heart, because we do not know if we will even work out at the end of my schooling of 3-7 years, but I have told him that he can date others and we will reassess when I am finished, if need be. For now, we are in a pleasant zone between friends and dating. I don't know how long this will be pleasant for us. Perhaps there will be major shifting sometime down the road and we will decide we are not right for each other far before my schooling is completed. Currently, however, I am satisfied and comfortable knowing that he knows my desires for dating, some of my boundaries, and my timescale. He is so very respectful, I am having a hard time believing our talk went so well, mainly because I tend to royally screw things up.
Finally, I want to tell you about my brother. All this year he has been perplexing to me. I would walk in the door after being gone at school for a month and he would tell me to go home (he meant back to school). He did not like me or be very nice to me and we would fight so much. Then, about a week or two ago, he texted me letting me know he was applying to my college. This was surprising because he had already applied to the community college near our parents home and he was planning on staying at home with them to finish up his prereques for school. Now, he is applying to my school and asking to move in with me when I get an apartment. Since I have gotten home this last week, we have been hanging out and talking about how we would furnish the apartment, if he gets into my university. We went to lunch yesterday and we talked like old friends. This relationship with my brother is what I missed to very much this last year. I had given it to G-d and accepted that my brother may never speak to me again. Then G-d turned my brother's heart back to accepting me. We have not had a fight since I have been home (which is rare for us to go this long), and he is kind to me without expecting me to do anything for him in return. For this, my heart is so very joyful.
Daily Thanksgivings: I was able to go to shul on Saturday for Shavuot (more on this holiday later). I got an A- in anatomy!!! I am finished with school. My brother graduates high school on friday, he's getting so big... My brother is being very kind and treating me like a comrad, instead of an enemy. My guy friend initiated another feelings talk and it went very well. I am home. The pain I received from the email I received from my former roommate is subsiding substantially. I have likely lost her friendship, which I understand because I was unable to warn her earlier, but all of this is for the best and G-d is calming my heart. He is taking my burden of worry, stress, guilt and unrighteous anger from me.
Praise the L-rd! My cup runneth over.
1 Peter 5:7 - "Cast all your anxieties upon Him because He cares for you."
This verse seems to be my life verse. Despite the many anxieties I have (and many are made up in my head), He takes them all and calms my heart. He alone can do this. He alone takes my depression and protects me (often from myself when the depression gets really bad). He soothes me when sleep will not come and I cry in my room because I feel alone or stressed. He is always with me, even when I feel completely isolated from the billions of other people on this giant rock. He even fashioned me, this giant rock, and the universe. He knows my every weakness, yet He loves me. He knows my past, He is with me in my present, and He has gone before me into my future. He loves me when no one else seems to be able to. He protects me from the dangers of this world. He provides for my every need and teaches me how to live, trust, and love. He is everything I need, yet He plants desires in my heart, then fulfills them!
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
1 Test Left...
I am down to one test, and my paper (but I'm just not going to finish that by tomorrow's peer edit). Today's test was in psych and I really don't think that I did well at all. I'm so scared that I'm going to fail all of my tests because of my procrastination and lack of studying last week and the week before. Oh well, it's my fault and hopefully this will teach me to start studying in advance, even though it would be much more fun to go play outside with my friends. Tomorrow is my last A&P test for the week and it's really freaking me out because I'm so lost in the material. L-rd willing, I will get a good grade on this test, but He is the only One who can get me a good grade because A&P is killing me!
After my test, P (my guy friend) came over to do homework and to keep me focused on studying. He was over for nearly 3 hours and I hardly did anything. Then he went to dinner, which I skipped, and when he came back I had only taken a little nap. But he stayed for another 4 hours and we finished my study questions! The sweet kid took 5 pages of notes for me as I talked out the study questions. Z (my super close girl friend) says he's fallen pretty hard for me, which I don't understand, but he is such a kind-hearted guy. I've never had anyone push me to study as hard as he did and he's always saying that he's rooting for me. This is such a different experience than I thought it would be. I figured that since I'm so awkward and strange, I would always have a hard time being around people, especially if I ever got into a relationship (we are still pre-relationship status...). However, with P, it's so easy to just be me. When I'm sleepy and just want to lay there, he will sit with me. When I had a super hard day, he wants to hear about every little thing that happened (as much as I am allowed to say with HIPPA and all). When I'm happy or sad about something, he is happy or sad with me. I can be goofy, stressed, upset, exstatic or anything and he is right there with me. He shows me grace when I say ridiculous stuff that could have upset him. He respects my boundaries and is often times encouraging me to do the best that I can and work to get better. He shows me patience and kindness in all he does with me and he teaches me so much about his world while still wanting to learn about mine. He despises needles, shots, and blood, but he still listens to me vent about cadavers and medical stuff. He also teaches me about sports and music and random stuff he is into. I also tell him the random little health facts about everything that I think of and he seems interested in those totally random tidbits. Not even my family pretends to like those! I know that we are still in the early stages of a possible relationship, and G-d will have to tell me if P is the one or not, but through this friendship, I am learning that there is hope for me after all.
I could go on and on about my past and what this friendship is growing into, but I will leave that to another post, or other posts, because I need to get back to studying for anatomy!
Daily Thanksgiving: I am very thankful that G-d has allowed me to meet P, Z, and B (the roommate of P). G-d is teaching me so much about relationships through these friends of mine, not just "romantic" relationships (another gross word), but I have learned so much about grace and I have found other people like me. We are all fairly soft-spoken and we have been used by the world because we are all kind and willing to give the shirts off our backs. I am thankful that I have gotten in so much studying and also that I only have one more paper to do. Also, I am thankful for Cloverton's music and also Francesca Battistelli's music for being my soundtrack to study by when P is over.
After my test, P (my guy friend) came over to do homework and to keep me focused on studying. He was over for nearly 3 hours and I hardly did anything. Then he went to dinner, which I skipped, and when he came back I had only taken a little nap. But he stayed for another 4 hours and we finished my study questions! The sweet kid took 5 pages of notes for me as I talked out the study questions. Z (my super close girl friend) says he's fallen pretty hard for me, which I don't understand, but he is such a kind-hearted guy. I've never had anyone push me to study as hard as he did and he's always saying that he's rooting for me. This is such a different experience than I thought it would be. I figured that since I'm so awkward and strange, I would always have a hard time being around people, especially if I ever got into a relationship (we are still pre-relationship status...). However, with P, it's so easy to just be me. When I'm sleepy and just want to lay there, he will sit with me. When I had a super hard day, he wants to hear about every little thing that happened (as much as I am allowed to say with HIPPA and all). When I'm happy or sad about something, he is happy or sad with me. I can be goofy, stressed, upset, exstatic or anything and he is right there with me. He shows me grace when I say ridiculous stuff that could have upset him. He respects my boundaries and is often times encouraging me to do the best that I can and work to get better. He shows me patience and kindness in all he does with me and he teaches me so much about his world while still wanting to learn about mine. He despises needles, shots, and blood, but he still listens to me vent about cadavers and medical stuff. He also teaches me about sports and music and random stuff he is into. I also tell him the random little health facts about everything that I think of and he seems interested in those totally random tidbits. Not even my family pretends to like those! I know that we are still in the early stages of a possible relationship, and G-d will have to tell me if P is the one or not, but through this friendship, I am learning that there is hope for me after all.
I could go on and on about my past and what this friendship is growing into, but I will leave that to another post, or other posts, because I need to get back to studying for anatomy!
Daily Thanksgiving: I am very thankful that G-d has allowed me to meet P, Z, and B (the roommate of P). G-d is teaching me so much about relationships through these friends of mine, not just "romantic" relationships (another gross word), but I have learned so much about grace and I have found other people like me. We are all fairly soft-spoken and we have been used by the world because we are all kind and willing to give the shirts off our backs. I am thankful that I have gotten in so much studying and also that I only have one more paper to do. Also, I am thankful for Cloverton's music and also Francesca Battistelli's music for being my soundtrack to study by when P is over.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
1 Quiz and 1 Test Down...
1 quiz and 1 test down this week... just 2 more tests and a paper to do and then this week is done.
I took my anatomy lab practical today and I'm really not thinking that I did well. Unfortunately, last week when I had that pointless snow day (because we had less than an inch of snow!), I was supposed to have anatomy lab. That lab was supposed to be about the digestive system. Guess what the test was on? Yes, I did go to the lab make-up, but the instructors teach very differently and I didn't study the cadaver the way I should have. Anyway, the cadaver was tagged for like 7 questions on this test! Talk about freaking me out. I guessed on every single one of those question because I didn't learn that material or the cadaver. So, I think I'm going to get a C on this test which seals my fate of not getting an A or an A- in anatomy. I will likely have to settle for a B or maybe even a C in the class. Am I displaying narcicistic anxiety? Yes, I certainly am because I flip out over grades. When I ended up getting an A- in anatomy last semester, I cried. Not just a little tear drop or two. No, I had another full-fledged bout with depression that lasted about two weeks. No joke! It took half of my winter break to get over that "-" being on my transcripts. I never used to be like this, but when I moved out, I didn't know who I was. School had always been something that I didn't have to try at but I was super good at it. Now, I am nothing, nobody. I don't know what I'm doing or how to get where I need to go because I don't know where I'm going.
Regardless, my first test is done and I can breathe slightly easier.
Daily Thanksgiving: I had a fairly uneventful day. One of my two anatomy tests are done and my psych test is tomorrow. I had a take-home quiz this week instead of having to bomb another quiz in chem. Tomorrow is Wednesday which means I am already half-way done with this week (seeing as I only have school Monday thru Thursday). I got to have breakfast with a very close girl friend of mine and we got to gush about boys. I still find it uncomfortable to talk about this kind of stuff, but I think it's helping me wrap my head around what happened. Also, I got to hang out with my guy friend and he helped me study. Now that I think about it, this day was a pretty good one because G-d got me through in one piece and He is allowing me to survive college!
I took my anatomy lab practical today and I'm really not thinking that I did well. Unfortunately, last week when I had that pointless snow day (because we had less than an inch of snow!), I was supposed to have anatomy lab. That lab was supposed to be about the digestive system. Guess what the test was on? Yes, I did go to the lab make-up, but the instructors teach very differently and I didn't study the cadaver the way I should have. Anyway, the cadaver was tagged for like 7 questions on this test! Talk about freaking me out. I guessed on every single one of those question because I didn't learn that material or the cadaver. So, I think I'm going to get a C on this test which seals my fate of not getting an A or an A- in anatomy. I will likely have to settle for a B or maybe even a C in the class. Am I displaying narcicistic anxiety? Yes, I certainly am because I flip out over grades. When I ended up getting an A- in anatomy last semester, I cried. Not just a little tear drop or two. No, I had another full-fledged bout with depression that lasted about two weeks. No joke! It took half of my winter break to get over that "-" being on my transcripts. I never used to be like this, but when I moved out, I didn't know who I was. School had always been something that I didn't have to try at but I was super good at it. Now, I am nothing, nobody. I don't know what I'm doing or how to get where I need to go because I don't know where I'm going.
Regardless, my first test is done and I can breathe slightly easier.
Daily Thanksgiving: I had a fairly uneventful day. One of my two anatomy tests are done and my psych test is tomorrow. I had a take-home quiz this week instead of having to bomb another quiz in chem. Tomorrow is Wednesday which means I am already half-way done with this week (seeing as I only have school Monday thru Thursday). I got to have breakfast with a very close girl friend of mine and we got to gush about boys. I still find it uncomfortable to talk about this kind of stuff, but I think it's helping me wrap my head around what happened. Also, I got to hang out with my guy friend and he helped me study. Now that I think about it, this day was a pretty good one because G-d got me through in one piece and He is allowing me to survive college!
Monday, April 15, 2013
Well, That's Embarassing!
I apologize for yet another post about this pre-relationship thing going on, but it's consuming all of my thinking and I have to let it out and "talk" it out because I have three tests coming up that I cannot focus enough to study for.
So my guy friend told his roommate and my close friend. We are calling the Roommate B and my close girl friend Z. For the sake of easier writing, my guy friend will be P. Are we good? Anyway, so P told B and Z, without my knowledge, about our talk and confessions yesterday. This apparently made for some knowing looks and giggles because I say stupid things. We were talking about just random stuff, like sleeping, and I waited for a few other people to finish up their talking then decided that I should contribute to the conversation. BIG MISTAKE! B and Z exchanged knowing glances and smiled, likely giggling quietly to themselves at my foolish choice of speaking times. How embarrassing! I didn't even mean it the way they took it, but that's the price of talking about "feelings"... I think I better go lie down before I stress myself out too much over all the stupid things I'm fixin' to say. I had also better figure out how to go back to not talking... EVER. I used to never talk, I don't know what happened to me.
Today went well though. I can't pay attention during class, but I actually got to sleep in a little bit today so that was nice. I also studied for another hour and a half with a good friend who is in all of my classes. She is so awesome and chill and I am so glad G-d brought her into my life.
Daily Thanksgiving: I didn't say anything stupider than what I did at breakfast. Also, now I know who to watch what I say around because I guarantee I am going to be at the butt of a huge amount of jokes. It's cool though, I've been at the butt of jokes most of my life... (That wasn't supposed to sound like self-pity or sad, it's just a funny fact about yours truly.) I have studied quite a bit and I know most of the models that will be on my test. After this week, I only have to worry about finals and the HESI, but I will get a slight break before madness descends on my life, a very short break. Guys, Monday is done and G-d allowed me to survive!!! He will get me through this life. Everything threatens to break me, but I know that He will allow me to survive as long as He sees fit, then I get to go home and not worry about being so foolish, awkward and ridiculously bad at being around anything/anyone but rocks. I like rocks, except for when they decide to attack me, which actually happens a lot... Probably because I talk to them too much...
See!?! My brain does not work right now and I have to study!!!!!!!!!!!
So my guy friend told his roommate and my close friend. We are calling the Roommate B and my close girl friend Z. For the sake of easier writing, my guy friend will be P. Are we good? Anyway, so P told B and Z, without my knowledge, about our talk and confessions yesterday. This apparently made for some knowing looks and giggles because I say stupid things. We were talking about just random stuff, like sleeping, and I waited for a few other people to finish up their talking then decided that I should contribute to the conversation. BIG MISTAKE! B and Z exchanged knowing glances and smiled, likely giggling quietly to themselves at my foolish choice of speaking times. How embarrassing! I didn't even mean it the way they took it, but that's the price of talking about "feelings"... I think I better go lie down before I stress myself out too much over all the stupid things I'm fixin' to say. I had also better figure out how to go back to not talking... EVER. I used to never talk, I don't know what happened to me.
Today went well though. I can't pay attention during class, but I actually got to sleep in a little bit today so that was nice. I also studied for another hour and a half with a good friend who is in all of my classes. She is so awesome and chill and I am so glad G-d brought her into my life.
Daily Thanksgiving: I didn't say anything stupider than what I did at breakfast. Also, now I know who to watch what I say around because I guarantee I am going to be at the butt of a huge amount of jokes. It's cool though, I've been at the butt of jokes most of my life... (That wasn't supposed to sound like self-pity or sad, it's just a funny fact about yours truly.) I have studied quite a bit and I know most of the models that will be on my test. After this week, I only have to worry about finals and the HESI, but I will get a slight break before madness descends on my life, a very short break. Guys, Monday is done and G-d allowed me to survive!!! He will get me through this life. Everything threatens to break me, but I know that He will allow me to survive as long as He sees fit, then I get to go home and not worry about being so foolish, awkward and ridiculously bad at being around anything/anyone but rocks. I like rocks, except for when they decide to attack me, which actually happens a lot... Probably because I talk to them too much...
See!?! My brain does not work right now and I have to study!!!!!!!!!!!
The Funny Thing About Friends
You all probably know about my recent discovery/pre-relationship status with my guy friend. Well, he was in cahoots with a very close girl friend of mine and they were planning how and when to tell the people that they like (me and the guys roommate...) Anyway, since she was so close to my guy friend, they shared everything! She knew about him coming to talk to me before I had any clue that it would happen that day. Since they are thick as theives, she informed me today that the told his roommate and possibly others. I don't like knowing that people know something that I didn't know that they knew. (That just confused me too, just take it slow.) It's cool, his roommate is pretty cool and I'm pretty sure that my guy friend had to tell his roommate to bring up who the roommate likes so that my girl friend could be worked into the situation and an assessment of the roomies thoughts could be taken.
Still, if you know what is going on behind the scenes, I don't want to know because then it gets weird. It may only be weird for me, but I'm already super awkward and probably don't need anything else to make it worse.
With that said, I still love her to pieces because she is so stinkin' adorable!
End of Spiel... for now...
Still, if you know what is going on behind the scenes, I don't want to know because then it gets weird. It may only be weird for me, but I'm already super awkward and probably don't need anything else to make it worse.
With that said, I still love her to pieces because she is so stinkin' adorable!
End of Spiel... for now...
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Super Great Day
First of all, my guy friend that I have a thing for, and he has a thing for me (recently verified by himself) got disclosed yesterday. Super scary, but so cute. He looked so nervous you don't even know, but it was adorable! He said he didn't care what happened either way, if I liked him back or not because he knew of my past and how bad it hurts me when guy friends ask me out and then stop talking to me when I don't reciprocate. So he went on to say that nothing would change if I didn't "feel" the same way about him. Then he said that he kinda sorta likes me... a lot. (He said it just like that.) But he was so nervous and anxious and scared. Then, being the awkward person I am, I gave him a hug and changed the subject... I know! He must have been dying inside. Not to worry though, he had the courage to bring it up once, so he just brought it up again later that night. That's when I told him that I'm diggin' him too, but I'm just not ready to date yet. So, we are now in a pre-dating phase that I had no idea existed, but there is so much about people I had no clue about. Science and algebra are my niche, people are way too far outside of my line of understanding. Even science is starting to become more difficult (A&P) and so my world is slipping away!
Today, I had an awesome day at work! I was paired with a CNA that is notorious for being super rude and mean to new girls, but I had no problem with her. I also cut the time I take to give someone a shower in half from 30 mins to 15 mins! I toiletted almost as many people as her and we were two hours ahead so I got to color with my residents while we were waiting for the next group of CNA's to come in. Plus, my LPN was so ridiculously sweet today and the CNA on the adjoining floor kept asking if I was okay and if I needed help. I am starting to make friends! Likely it is out of pity right now, but that's cool because someday I will be able to help new girls get on their feet in this very difficult job atmosphere.
Daily Thanksgiving: G-d blessed me with an amazing day at work when I was expecting a really rough day. I was paired with a sweet LPN and the CNA was gracious to me. No more stressing about this relationship with my guy friend, for right now anyway, because he had the courage to come out and ask me about it. He asked me even though he knows I hate talking about "feelings" and mushy, gross, heart stuff (not the anatomy heart, because anatomy and cadavers I can do, ironically enough). We were ahead at work and I get to go sleep. Also, I just got back from a very productive 2.5 hour study session with a good friend of mine, who just happens to have the same schedule as me (except for a lab because I change mine, but I didn't know her when I made my schedule, it's crazy). Anyway, she is a great teacher and we are praying that we do well on our crazy amount of tests and other huge assignments that we have this week. Oh, and she is thinking about moving in with me next year!!! So many good things going on.
My cup runneth over...
My heart is super happy...
Today, I had an awesome day at work! I was paired with a CNA that is notorious for being super rude and mean to new girls, but I had no problem with her. I also cut the time I take to give someone a shower in half from 30 mins to 15 mins! I toiletted almost as many people as her and we were two hours ahead so I got to color with my residents while we were waiting for the next group of CNA's to come in. Plus, my LPN was so ridiculously sweet today and the CNA on the adjoining floor kept asking if I was okay and if I needed help. I am starting to make friends! Likely it is out of pity right now, but that's cool because someday I will be able to help new girls get on their feet in this very difficult job atmosphere.
Daily Thanksgiving: G-d blessed me with an amazing day at work when I was expecting a really rough day. I was paired with a sweet LPN and the CNA was gracious to me. No more stressing about this relationship with my guy friend, for right now anyway, because he had the courage to come out and ask me about it. He asked me even though he knows I hate talking about "feelings" and mushy, gross, heart stuff (not the anatomy heart, because anatomy and cadavers I can do, ironically enough). We were ahead at work and I get to go sleep. Also, I just got back from a very productive 2.5 hour study session with a good friend of mine, who just happens to have the same schedule as me (except for a lab because I change mine, but I didn't know her when I made my schedule, it's crazy). Anyway, she is a great teacher and we are praying that we do well on our crazy amount of tests and other huge assignments that we have this week. Oh, and she is thinking about moving in with me next year!!! So many good things going on.
My cup runneth over...
My heart is super happy...
Friday, April 12, 2013
Another Dilemma... and a Solution
So, for those of you who have read my past posts, you know I was kinda into this guy, who might kinda be into me. If you know this, you likely also know that I was fighting with myself as to what I ought to do about it. Well, I did the wrong thing because it felt good... it doesn't "feel" good anymore. (No, I did not sleep with him, I did not kiss him. My boundaries do include no hugs unless they are side hugs. Also, no laying in the same bed together cuddling. The last two things, the hugs and laying in the same bed, I did allow him to do.) It's not even a big deal, I just have been leading him on in a way by letting him come over a lot. We have spent probably around four hours together every night (except for maybe 2) in the past two weeks since I've gotten back from break. Then, last night I started to get back to being closer with G-d, and everything has changed. I realized that this isn't right when He gave me Proverbs 4:23 to read. I shouldn't be letting this boy push my boundaries, and I should not be leading him on because it will break his heart also leading to my broken heart. Strange how so much pain can come from just having a crush on someone and then calling it off. We aren't even dating and I know this is going to hurt. He has been one of my closest friends since I've started school here and if I have to tell him no, he's probably going to be really sad. And since he is sad, I will be super sad because I hate telling people bad news. It affects me almost more than it affects the person because I don't handle guilt very well.
So, I have come back to the conclusion that I cannot date until junior year, maybe. Still, that depends on if G-d even ever wants me to get married. The boys that have liked me so far are getting closer and closer to the kind of guy that I envisioned for myself, but who's to say that is the type of man G-d wants for me. Or if there even is someone He has picked for me. I don't know what the future holds, all I know is that this newly strengthened resolve is giving me motivation for today and is helping me to get closer to the Creator. Actually, I even have a peace about this whole thing. For week I have been contemplating throwing some boundaries out the window, like dating before junior year. But now, I am a little more sure that I will just have to wait. I trust the L-rd wholly because only He knows what the future holds for any of us. He is my rock, and He has my heart.
That's another thing, I've been thinking about values and how important they are in relationships, especially romantic (I hate that word as much as I hate "feelings") relationships. Lately a few of my friends have had to say no to boys who have been interested in them, simply because they have different values. We are not to be "unequally yoked" with people who do not believe the same as we do. (This does not mean you cannot be friends with them, because how are they to see the Light if they are not exposed to people who have the Light? It simply means we should not date or marry them because they will have very different values and expectations of the relationship.) How can a relationship work if the foundations of the people in the relationship are completely different? For me, my faith is really important. Also, I love G-d above anyone or anything else, EVER. So, to be contemplating a relationship with someone who does not share the same passion for G-d is a very foolish decision.
Needless to say, I am now trying to figure out how to tell him, should the time come that I have to explain everything. Also, I am trying to figure out how to enforce my boundaries... L-rd willing this whole thing will just blow over and fizzle out, but I don't know how likely that is.
I will try to post again tonight after I spend some time with my Mema, mom, and extended family. My Mema is coming into town today and she is a nurse who is so excited I am going into nursing also. I so respect her and look up to her. She is a woman who has been married and divorced twice because the men did not treat her right. Now, she is independent and I aspire to be like her. She is kind, easy going and a fantastic NICU nurse. Hopefully she won't retire until she can teach me how to be a nurse too!
So, I have come back to the conclusion that I cannot date until junior year, maybe. Still, that depends on if G-d even ever wants me to get married. The boys that have liked me so far are getting closer and closer to the kind of guy that I envisioned for myself, but who's to say that is the type of man G-d wants for me. Or if there even is someone He has picked for me. I don't know what the future holds, all I know is that this newly strengthened resolve is giving me motivation for today and is helping me to get closer to the Creator. Actually, I even have a peace about this whole thing. For week I have been contemplating throwing some boundaries out the window, like dating before junior year. But now, I am a little more sure that I will just have to wait. I trust the L-rd wholly because only He knows what the future holds for any of us. He is my rock, and He has my heart.
That's another thing, I've been thinking about values and how important they are in relationships, especially romantic (I hate that word as much as I hate "feelings") relationships. Lately a few of my friends have had to say no to boys who have been interested in them, simply because they have different values. We are not to be "unequally yoked" with people who do not believe the same as we do. (This does not mean you cannot be friends with them, because how are they to see the Light if they are not exposed to people who have the Light? It simply means we should not date or marry them because they will have very different values and expectations of the relationship.) How can a relationship work if the foundations of the people in the relationship are completely different? For me, my faith is really important. Also, I love G-d above anyone or anything else, EVER. So, to be contemplating a relationship with someone who does not share the same passion for G-d is a very foolish decision.
Needless to say, I am now trying to figure out how to tell him, should the time come that I have to explain everything. Also, I am trying to figure out how to enforce my boundaries... L-rd willing this whole thing will just blow over and fizzle out, but I don't know how likely that is.
I will try to post again tonight after I spend some time with my Mema, mom, and extended family. My Mema is coming into town today and she is a nurse who is so excited I am going into nursing also. I so respect her and look up to her. She is a woman who has been married and divorced twice because the men did not treat her right. Now, she is independent and I aspire to be like her. She is kind, easy going and a fantastic NICU nurse. Hopefully she won't retire until she can teach me how to be a nurse too!
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Fantastic!
Guys, today my chem lab partner knew what Messianic meant and even supplied the word!!! You have no idea how excited that made me. Plus, she is pretty much the funniest person I've ever met and we have so much fun in lab together. Today, we made soap and detergent. That may sound boring, but it was so incredible hilarious and fun I can't contain my joy over lab, I really can't.
Then we played baseball and football outside and so all the vitamin D has me on a bit of a high.
Tonight I am going to the gym.
Tomorrow I don't have school!
So, this has pretty much been a fantastic day. I love it!
Also, this guy that I kinda sorta have a thing for is showing that he probably kinda has a thing for me too. Okay, that was really not supposed to sound dirty, so please do not take it as a dirty sentence :)
Daily Thanksgiving: Class went by quickly, I had solid quality time with so many friends lately (each one-on-one), I am making friends, lab was amazingly fun, we played outside, and no school tomorrow.
Then we played baseball and football outside and so all the vitamin D has me on a bit of a high.
Tonight I am going to the gym.
Tomorrow I don't have school!
So, this has pretty much been a fantastic day. I love it!
Also, this guy that I kinda sorta have a thing for is showing that he probably kinda has a thing for me too. Okay, that was really not supposed to sound dirty, so please do not take it as a dirty sentence :)
Daily Thanksgiving: Class went by quickly, I had solid quality time with so many friends lately (each one-on-one), I am making friends, lab was amazingly fun, we played outside, and no school tomorrow.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Uneventful Day
Truly, today was uneventful. I had a quiz in chem that I got a C on, which I am not happy about. Then, psych was funny, but it doesn't seem like it was overly difficult or stressful. Also, I worked out again today! When I "workout" I really just mean I walked on the treadmill for awhile. Today it was 30 minutes and I walked close to 45 minutes Monday. Hopefully these short periods of exercise help or do something good for me.
I have been super distracted lately and not able to keep much focus on anything. I really need to buckle down and start working harder because I already have B's in 2 of my 4 classes and that is so NOT okay. I have A's in the other two so far, but I need to work and keep them A's. These bad grades that I have been getting are so discouraging. I know that I am not working hard enough or smart enough, but once I get into a hole with bad grades, it seems impossible to get out of it to raise my grades again. Thus, starting an ugly cycle of worse and worse grades.
Daily Thanksgiving: Psych was hilarious, chem was kinda easy, I didn't fail my quiz, I hung out a lot with my friends, and I worked out! Though I had some stuff that was weighing heavy on my mind, it seems like today was a good day overall.
By the way, today, I told one of my friends that my birthday was yesterday... the story remains to be continued. We will see if he keeps his promise of not telling anyone about it.
Also, I am starting to think that this dating thing may not be such a difficult thing to do. It's just a lot of talking and hanging out, getting to know each other, right? Maybe some hugs, or kisses (but not for me in my relationships). Perhaps some crisis, meeting the parents and other life events. But for the most part, it seems like a friendship that is more exclusive and it is acceptable to be a pair of people with secrets together and a mutual understanding of what each other think and believe. There is a good chance I am getting this totally wrong, but from my observations, that is a simplistic idea of what dating is. Guys, I really need some input as to what is going on!!!
I have been super distracted lately and not able to keep much focus on anything. I really need to buckle down and start working harder because I already have B's in 2 of my 4 classes and that is so NOT okay. I have A's in the other two so far, but I need to work and keep them A's. These bad grades that I have been getting are so discouraging. I know that I am not working hard enough or smart enough, but once I get into a hole with bad grades, it seems impossible to get out of it to raise my grades again. Thus, starting an ugly cycle of worse and worse grades.
Daily Thanksgiving: Psych was hilarious, chem was kinda easy, I didn't fail my quiz, I hung out a lot with my friends, and I worked out! Though I had some stuff that was weighing heavy on my mind, it seems like today was a good day overall.
By the way, today, I told one of my friends that my birthday was yesterday... the story remains to be continued. We will see if he keeps his promise of not telling anyone about it.
Also, I am starting to think that this dating thing may not be such a difficult thing to do. It's just a lot of talking and hanging out, getting to know each other, right? Maybe some hugs, or kisses (but not for me in my relationships). Perhaps some crisis, meeting the parents and other life events. But for the most part, it seems like a friendship that is more exclusive and it is acceptable to be a pair of people with secrets together and a mutual understanding of what each other think and believe. There is a good chance I am getting this totally wrong, but from my observations, that is a simplistic idea of what dating is. Guys, I really need some input as to what is going on!!!
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Scholarship
I got a call a couple days ago about a possible scholarship award. They said they had moved my application from one scholarship to another because I fit it better and now I have an interview! It would be such a blessing to get this scholarship because it is really big and I don't know how else I will be able to pay for next year. L-rd willing, I will be able to get this scholarship, plus the RA position.
By the way, I still have no headway on what I am going to do about this guy that may have a thing for me. The more I talk to people, the more unclear I get. When I talk to G-d I don't really seem to be getting the big signs that I am looking for either and I am not quite sure how to listen to His still, quiet voice. I don't know what to do!!! And this is really frustrating that I cannot get a straight answer. Some people know my plans and they say that G-d will let whatever happen happen. Yes, I know G-d will let whatever happens happen, but that does not let me know if I should go ahead in a relationship or not. Other people tell me that it is just part of the "college experience" to date people and it should be fun to have a boyfriend. To me, dating is not a hobby or an experience. Dating, in my opinion, is like a trial for marriage. It should be taken seriously and used to get to know a person before you get hitched because marriage is a lifetime commitment. It should be fun, don't get me wrong, but dating is not just something to do just for the fun of it. So, I am back to square one, not knowing if my plans are truly the ones set up by myself and G-d, or if He is telling me to go ahead and scratch my plans to go for something better. To tell you the truth, I don't know how I got all of my plans and requirements and if I stick with them, there is a HUGE chance I will never, ever, ever date anyone. Therefore, I will never be able to get married. This is one of those days where I would love to sit down and have coffee with G-d. Well, tea for me because I get heart palpatations from caffiene or too much sugar... But I just want Him to hug me and tell me it's going to be alright and I need Him to tell me what to do. If only I could have coffee with Him, maybe I would have peace and reassurance in what I need to do.
This reminds me, I have not been treating Him right lately. He has not been my top priority, I have been my top priority. That is probably why my depression is coming back, that is likely why I feel helpless, and it is also why I am down in the dumps even though my life seems to be turning around and getting "better". To tell you the truth, I have not been reading the Word every night like I normally do, I have not been going to any churches or congregations at all, I haven't been watching anything online either. I have put Him on the backburner because I figured school is right now and G-d will always be there. While it is true He will always be there, we have the choice of whether to nourish and build the relationship with Him, or to let it dwindle. When we build the relationship with Him, He takes care of our entire life and allows everything to fall into place. However, when we let the relationship dwindle or take push it aside, we push Him out of our life and He lets us "drive" on our own for a little bit. Obviously not completely, because if I were driving completely by myself, I would not be alive anylonger. But He lets us think we are taking the wheel so that we can realize that we are helpless. So, my grades are not doing well, work is extremely difficult, I can't hear Him because there is too much inbetween us (all of it on my side of the me and G-d connection), and the Enemy now has a ton of footholds in my life because I am not surrendered to Ad-nai completely. This is a miserable place to be. Again, it makes me want to go to coffee and apologize and begin to build our relationship back up, but that is not how it works. So, I will begin again, asking for forgiveness and working to put Him first. Now I understand why so many people fall away from the faith when they go to college. It is so easy to let church or congregation slide, to let fun things infiltrate your free time and to avoid things you know as right when the world is offering entertainment and "good" feelings.
Daily Thanksgiving: I am so very grateful for G-d's forgiveness. His love is overwhelming and even though I know I messed up willingly, He takes me back once I admit that I was in the wrong and work towards getting closer to Him. I am grateful that He allows us to make mistakes because it means that He allows us to have complete free will. Many days I wish He would just tell me what to do, but where would faith come into play? He allows us to fall so that He may build us up for His glory. I am grateful that He has kept me safe and that He has chosen me to live this life. I am also grateful that the biggest problem in my life right now, is figuring out whether or not I should date someone. In reality, this is not a big problem at all, I just overthink everything and make a mountain out of a mole hill. I am also thankful that G-d is working with me on that...
For those of you who pray to the One true G-d of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob: please pray for favor in my RA position attempt and also for favor for the scholarship. I am asking for favor for the largest scholarship award they allow because I really need that plus the RA position to get headway in paying for next year. Also, please pray for my acceptance into the nursing program and a really good score on the HESI.
Does anyone else have any thanksgivings, prayer requests, or anything to add to my above rants? I would love to know what you think about dating and our/your relationship with G-d! Please private message me or comment below. :)
By the way, I still have no headway on what I am going to do about this guy that may have a thing for me. The more I talk to people, the more unclear I get. When I talk to G-d I don't really seem to be getting the big signs that I am looking for either and I am not quite sure how to listen to His still, quiet voice. I don't know what to do!!! And this is really frustrating that I cannot get a straight answer. Some people know my plans and they say that G-d will let whatever happen happen. Yes, I know G-d will let whatever happens happen, but that does not let me know if I should go ahead in a relationship or not. Other people tell me that it is just part of the "college experience" to date people and it should be fun to have a boyfriend. To me, dating is not a hobby or an experience. Dating, in my opinion, is like a trial for marriage. It should be taken seriously and used to get to know a person before you get hitched because marriage is a lifetime commitment. It should be fun, don't get me wrong, but dating is not just something to do just for the fun of it. So, I am back to square one, not knowing if my plans are truly the ones set up by myself and G-d, or if He is telling me to go ahead and scratch my plans to go for something better. To tell you the truth, I don't know how I got all of my plans and requirements and if I stick with them, there is a HUGE chance I will never, ever, ever date anyone. Therefore, I will never be able to get married. This is one of those days where I would love to sit down and have coffee with G-d. Well, tea for me because I get heart palpatations from caffiene or too much sugar... But I just want Him to hug me and tell me it's going to be alright and I need Him to tell me what to do. If only I could have coffee with Him, maybe I would have peace and reassurance in what I need to do.
This reminds me, I have not been treating Him right lately. He has not been my top priority, I have been my top priority. That is probably why my depression is coming back, that is likely why I feel helpless, and it is also why I am down in the dumps even though my life seems to be turning around and getting "better". To tell you the truth, I have not been reading the Word every night like I normally do, I have not been going to any churches or congregations at all, I haven't been watching anything online either. I have put Him on the backburner because I figured school is right now and G-d will always be there. While it is true He will always be there, we have the choice of whether to nourish and build the relationship with Him, or to let it dwindle. When we build the relationship with Him, He takes care of our entire life and allows everything to fall into place. However, when we let the relationship dwindle or take push it aside, we push Him out of our life and He lets us "drive" on our own for a little bit. Obviously not completely, because if I were driving completely by myself, I would not be alive anylonger. But He lets us think we are taking the wheel so that we can realize that we are helpless. So, my grades are not doing well, work is extremely difficult, I can't hear Him because there is too much inbetween us (all of it on my side of the me and G-d connection), and the Enemy now has a ton of footholds in my life because I am not surrendered to Ad-nai completely. This is a miserable place to be. Again, it makes me want to go to coffee and apologize and begin to build our relationship back up, but that is not how it works. So, I will begin again, asking for forgiveness and working to put Him first. Now I understand why so many people fall away from the faith when they go to college. It is so easy to let church or congregation slide, to let fun things infiltrate your free time and to avoid things you know as right when the world is offering entertainment and "good" feelings.
Daily Thanksgiving: I am so very grateful for G-d's forgiveness. His love is overwhelming and even though I know I messed up willingly, He takes me back once I admit that I was in the wrong and work towards getting closer to Him. I am grateful that He allows us to make mistakes because it means that He allows us to have complete free will. Many days I wish He would just tell me what to do, but where would faith come into play? He allows us to fall so that He may build us up for His glory. I am grateful that He has kept me safe and that He has chosen me to live this life. I am also grateful that the biggest problem in my life right now, is figuring out whether or not I should date someone. In reality, this is not a big problem at all, I just overthink everything and make a mountain out of a mole hill. I am also thankful that G-d is working with me on that...
For those of you who pray to the One true G-d of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob: please pray for favor in my RA position attempt and also for favor for the scholarship. I am asking for favor for the largest scholarship award they allow because I really need that plus the RA position to get headway in paying for next year. Also, please pray for my acceptance into the nursing program and a really good score on the HESI.
Does anyone else have any thanksgivings, prayer requests, or anything to add to my above rants? I would love to know what you think about dating and our/your relationship with G-d! Please private message me or comment below. :)
Friday, March 8, 2013
Friday, Friday, Gotta Get Down On Friday!
*The title should be said/sung to the tune of the Friday song
No, I'm not a fan of the song, but it popped into my head when I was trying to decide a title for today's post so there it is.
Not much happened today. I didn't have class so I slept in (until 6:30 this morning), got breakfast with my friend which grew into a 6 person party. I studied, hung out, studied, went to EI (stands for extra instruction, some new thing my A&P teacher is trying out). Came back to my dorm and ... wait for it... studied. Yet, in all of the studying, it does not feel like I accomplished much of anything. Does anyone else ever feel that way? It is quite an unfortunate feeling really, but it's my fault. At least I am beginning to work toward studying smarter and not harder.
By the way, my friends just turned me onto a great way to take notes so that you study as you go through the week. If you use legal notepads, then transfer and organize your notes into an actual notebook, you read over them and focus on them more than just putting them into a notebook and forgetting about them. I am sure most of you already knew that trick, but I thought it was nifty and I wish I would have known about it sooner!
On the friend front: I am learning that I do not pay great attention to my friends personal and dating lives outside of the time I already spend with them. One friend has been in a budding relationship for a few weeks and I just found out today. Of course, this goes hand-in-hand with my anti-gossip policy that has been newly established, but it is not gossip if I talk to the actual person to find out what is going on in their lives, is it? That is just being friendly and caring about them as an entire person with their own individual life. Also, my friend that may like me probably won't reveal it for awhile. G-d is answering my prayer for that so I can breathe easy and relax... as far as that is concerned. As far as my other stresses, they are still coming but G-d is teaching me to focus on today and not the future worries of my life and the world.
Daily Thanksgiving: I am so grateful for G-d putting great friends into my life that make me laugh constantly. I truly do love them so very much, even though they curse and do stuff just to get me to react, I really enjoy handing out with them. Plus, everyone seems to poke at my buttons because there is a lot of stuff that I react to and I think it's funny anyway. I love that my friends are comfortable enough with me to poke fun at me, and I am able to TRY to poke fun at them. Unfortunately, I am not so good at teasing because I am a slow thinker, but they are good sports and laugh anyway at my many failed attempts. I am thankful for a day to study and the opportunity to finally make it to an EI session for anatomy.
No, I'm not a fan of the song, but it popped into my head when I was trying to decide a title for today's post so there it is.
Not much happened today. I didn't have class so I slept in (until 6:30 this morning), got breakfast with my friend which grew into a 6 person party. I studied, hung out, studied, went to EI (stands for extra instruction, some new thing my A&P teacher is trying out). Came back to my dorm and ... wait for it... studied. Yet, in all of the studying, it does not feel like I accomplished much of anything. Does anyone else ever feel that way? It is quite an unfortunate feeling really, but it's my fault. At least I am beginning to work toward studying smarter and not harder.
By the way, my friends just turned me onto a great way to take notes so that you study as you go through the week. If you use legal notepads, then transfer and organize your notes into an actual notebook, you read over them and focus on them more than just putting them into a notebook and forgetting about them. I am sure most of you already knew that trick, but I thought it was nifty and I wish I would have known about it sooner!
On the friend front: I am learning that I do not pay great attention to my friends personal and dating lives outside of the time I already spend with them. One friend has been in a budding relationship for a few weeks and I just found out today. Of course, this goes hand-in-hand with my anti-gossip policy that has been newly established, but it is not gossip if I talk to the actual person to find out what is going on in their lives, is it? That is just being friendly and caring about them as an entire person with their own individual life. Also, my friend that may like me probably won't reveal it for awhile. G-d is answering my prayer for that so I can breathe easy and relax... as far as that is concerned. As far as my other stresses, they are still coming but G-d is teaching me to focus on today and not the future worries of my life and the world.
Daily Thanksgiving: I am so grateful for G-d putting great friends into my life that make me laugh constantly. I truly do love them so very much, even though they curse and do stuff just to get me to react, I really enjoy handing out with them. Plus, everyone seems to poke at my buttons because there is a lot of stuff that I react to and I think it's funny anyway. I love that my friends are comfortable enough with me to poke fun at me, and I am able to TRY to poke fun at them. Unfortunately, I am not so good at teasing because I am a slow thinker, but they are good sports and laugh anyway at my many failed attempts. I am thankful for a day to study and the opportunity to finally make it to an EI session for anatomy.
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