Tomorrow marks the anniversary of ex-boyfriend's first assault on me. A year ago, I was excited on this night. It was a Friday, I believe and I was probably at his new house watching a movie with him. Actually, he went to bed early so we were probably back in his bed, falling asleep or already sleeping by now.
He didn't try to touch me this night. I was still blissfully ignorant of the danger lurking within him.
The most he probably did was try to grab my butt or my boobs while he made out with me. I was uncomfortable sleeping in his bed, but he wouldn't let me sleep out on the couch. I was also dumb enough to believe that sleeping over would be okay. I was naive enough to believe that I was safe with him.
I've been wrestling with terrible thoughts in my head. For as long as I can remember, I was told to love those who hurt you and hate nobody but Satan.
I've been struggling to wrap my head around the evil that was done to my body and the fact that these guys think that they did nothing wrong.
I have been struggling to keep my mind from saying that "I hate them."
I hate what they've done to me. I hate that they have no fucking clue that my life is ruined. I hate that if the news ever got out that they did these things to me, nobody will believe me and they will blame me for making up stories. I hate that the law is on their side in this backwards legal system. I hate that they will likely have no punishment because what could potentially happen in the best case scenario for me or worst case scenario for them? NOTHING! Absolutely, fucking nothing.
Justice is bullshit. The legal system is not working for victims, it helps nobody but those who have broken the law. So, what's the point in reporting? There is none.
I'm so fucking over this shit. I can't sleep. My mind is being bombarded with the evil acts these assholes have done to me. The only comfort I have is absolutely nothing. There is no comfort. There is no justice. There is nothing I, or anyone, can do to right these wrongs.
L-rd, give me peace and comfort in the coming months as all of my anniversaries come to bombard me and swallow me whole. Quiet my heart and give me restful sleep. Allow me to somehow forget these evil guys. Somehow, in the coming judgement, bring me justice, oh L-rd. Give me something to tell me that the suffering I have unfortunately survived this last year is not in vain. Oh L-rd, redeem me and punish those who have wronged me and invaded my body. Ad-nai, forgive my past trangressions and remember what has happened. L-rd, remember those who love you and deliver me from the evil bestowed upon me.
Why was this given to me? What did I do that warranted that type of punishment? Or, what kind of sick test was that?!? WHY???
Ironically, tomorrow's pediatric lecture is on childhood abuse and will most likely mention sexual assault because that seems to be a popular topic in that stupid class. As such, I am not going. I refuse to go. The peds instructor makes sick jokes about rape, suicide, abuse, and other "hot button" topics that immediately make me cry. How will I handle such topics from now on? I will just refuse to go to class! Fuck you, lady. L-rd willing, you've never lived through these terrible things. As someone who survived multiple suicide attempts, is living through grieving a friend's suicide, having been abused by boyfriends, and raped by two separate guys on numerous occasions, YOU HAVE NO PLACE TO TALK!!!
No decent person makes jokes about abuse, rape, or suicide. Don't fuck with those topics. If you have to talk about them, and I think it's important to discuss them, then you treat them with the respect and seriousness they deserve. Get people who are experts and who are tender to the issues to come and teach the lecture, if that is required.
Don't fucking mess with me and don't tell me you know when you don't lady (peds professor and Jersey.)
Some of you, out there in the blog-o-sphere, unfortunately understand the pain of living through traumatic events. Though we have not lived the same life, I am sorry for your suffering. We can't fully comprehend each others pain and journey, but I know what it is like to live my trauma and I am sorry for anyone who has to live through their own. For anything you've been through, I am, from the bottom of my heart, sorry.
For those of you who haven't, I am so very glad that you haven't. I do not wish this on anyone. Having said that, please do not tell those of us who are survivors of trauma that you know what we are going through. If you say anything, tell us that you are sorry and then slap that pity look right off your face. We don't need pity. We are still a person, just like anyone else. Unfortunately, we were dealt a hand in life where we were forced to be a bit stronger than the average person. That does not mean we need pity. Giving us that fucking pity look and babying us after we tell you only makes the situation worse. Don't distance yourself from us or treat us differently besides avoiding the triggers we ask you to avoid. Besides that, treat us normally, but silently give us more patience as we heal.
Showing posts with label Ad-nai. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ad-nai. Show all posts
Sunday, April 17, 2016
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
G-d has a sense of humor!
Have y'all discovered this yet? From people stripped down buck naked in the Bible to the things He allows to happen in your life so that you look up to Him, He has a sense of humor.
This post is about a verse He laid on my heart tonight. I don't know how He speaks to you, but He usually gives me the "address" of a verse in the Word to go read. Sometimes it's just a verse and sometimes it is the whole book, just depends. Regardless of what is going on, these verses always hit right on what I am going through whether it be joyous, angering, or what-have-you. Tonight, however, He gave me a single verse.
A little background: Since deciding to "date" my best friend (a guy) from last year, I have been in rough shape. My anxiety has increased several times over. I'm having panic attacks all the time. My brain is unable to focus. I keep thinking of worse case scenarios where I can't win no matter how hard I think about finding a solution. All of this is because I don't want to break his heart. I've known from the beginning (because G-d told be at the start) that we would not be able to work out together. It's simple logistics. He's one political party and I am the complete opposite. He's okay being in the city and I despise it. He is all gum drops and rainbows while I am extremely pessimistic and cynical... on a good day. He LOVES all the mushy-gushy, lovey-dovey nonsense that makes my skin crawl. Last, but certainly not least, he lives for Christmas while I spend all year figuring out how to survive it without having a major throw-down with every cashier wishing me a "Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!" Now, everyone tells me "opposites attract". So what? That doesn't mean they should stay together. In our case, our complete polar opposites works really good for a friendship. It does not work as anything beyond that.
So why did I decide to jump into this train wreck? Good question. I listened to the World instead of to what G-d told me about 5-7 years ago. He told me to wait. He told me that it was possible to marry the first boy I ever really date without kissing him until our wedding day and the marriage could be blessed. He told me the boundaries to keep and He has been giving me hints of what I need in a man that would eventually become my husband. Then I listened to that, while still having my human doubts about everything that sounds too good to be true. I listened for several years while also praying that I would be able to meet my future husband that particular year. This year was no different.
But then I listened to the World. My friends were all rooting for us, but I believe that is because they are living vicariously through us. My mom thought it would be a good idea to get some experience with a boyfriend. My mentor (who is a believer and supports my Messianic beliefs) believed I needed to experience all college has to offer, including the "fun" of being attached to another person. My best friend (the guy) thought that it would be fun and exciting. Granted, he is extremely biased because he is on the receiving end of this deal. No matter who I talked to, or how much I explained my reasoning's for refraining from dating, everyone in the World that I talked to told me to jump in and roll with it. Even the pastor at my church started talking about "walking in faith".
Guess what? EVERYONE OF THE WORLD LIED!!! It'll be fun they said. It'll be a good experience, they said. It won't hurt, they said. It's exciting, they said. Bologna! I don't know that I have ever been so anxious or fallen back into my depression so fast as I did when I agreed to this. No joke and I'm not exaggerating. This whole thing makes me feel like I'm seriously broken in the head because everyone around me is excited for this whole thing to go down and I am dreading every waking moment. Then, when I'm asleep, I have bad dreams about it. Movies and TV shows say that it is so great to be in a relationship. Blah, blah, blah. So far, this is less than ideal.
Despite all of this, I believe that G-d can allow me to be excited one day for the man that I am supposed to marry. Maybe at that time, I will no longer be broken and G-d can show me a deeper version of the love He has for us by allowing me to experience dating and marriage on His time and not on mine.
To get back to the verse, though, He gave me one that I couldn't help but laugh at. I was already in bed with all the lights off, reading the Word while I start to fall asleep. However, upon reading this verse, I couldn't help but wake myself back up so that I could talk about and share it with y'all. He gave it to me after I had been pleading with Him to allow my best friend to decide to break up with me on his own. That's when the Ruach HaKodesh (Hebrew for Holy Spirit) reminded me that G-d allows us to screw up so that He can teach us some lessons in the midst of being frustrated and punishing ourselves for being foolish. It was impressed upon me to be thankful for the lessons and listen for what G-d wants to tell me. So, I thanked Him repeatedly and waited for a verse.
Moments later I received the verse Proverbs 5:13. It says: "I ignored what my teachers said, I didn't listen to my instructors." In my case, I listened to my teachers and instructors of this world instead of listening to the Teacher and my only Instructor. Just because people go to church and you trust them doesn't mean that they know what G-d has in store for you. They have no real way of knowing that unless G-d shows or tells them. Chances are, they are giving you advice from their own experiences and learning but you need to run that all past G-d before acting on their instruction. To make it even easier, don't sample from several people before you find an answer you like. I did that and got no answers that I liked or that I agreed with, but I followed them anyway and now I am paying for it. Just pray and ask G-d about everything. He will answer you but sometimes you have to be patient. Also remember to Praise G-d in the storm and not just when things are hunky dory.
This post is about a verse He laid on my heart tonight. I don't know how He speaks to you, but He usually gives me the "address" of a verse in the Word to go read. Sometimes it's just a verse and sometimes it is the whole book, just depends. Regardless of what is going on, these verses always hit right on what I am going through whether it be joyous, angering, or what-have-you. Tonight, however, He gave me a single verse.
A little background: Since deciding to "date" my best friend (a guy) from last year, I have been in rough shape. My anxiety has increased several times over. I'm having panic attacks all the time. My brain is unable to focus. I keep thinking of worse case scenarios where I can't win no matter how hard I think about finding a solution. All of this is because I don't want to break his heart. I've known from the beginning (because G-d told be at the start) that we would not be able to work out together. It's simple logistics. He's one political party and I am the complete opposite. He's okay being in the city and I despise it. He is all gum drops and rainbows while I am extremely pessimistic and cynical... on a good day. He LOVES all the mushy-gushy, lovey-dovey nonsense that makes my skin crawl. Last, but certainly not least, he lives for Christmas while I spend all year figuring out how to survive it without having a major throw-down with every cashier wishing me a "Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!" Now, everyone tells me "opposites attract". So what? That doesn't mean they should stay together. In our case, our complete polar opposites works really good for a friendship. It does not work as anything beyond that.
So why did I decide to jump into this train wreck? Good question. I listened to the World instead of to what G-d told me about 5-7 years ago. He told me to wait. He told me that it was possible to marry the first boy I ever really date without kissing him until our wedding day and the marriage could be blessed. He told me the boundaries to keep and He has been giving me hints of what I need in a man that would eventually become my husband. Then I listened to that, while still having my human doubts about everything that sounds too good to be true. I listened for several years while also praying that I would be able to meet my future husband that particular year. This year was no different.
But then I listened to the World. My friends were all rooting for us, but I believe that is because they are living vicariously through us. My mom thought it would be a good idea to get some experience with a boyfriend. My mentor (who is a believer and supports my Messianic beliefs) believed I needed to experience all college has to offer, including the "fun" of being attached to another person. My best friend (the guy) thought that it would be fun and exciting. Granted, he is extremely biased because he is on the receiving end of this deal. No matter who I talked to, or how much I explained my reasoning's for refraining from dating, everyone in the World that I talked to told me to jump in and roll with it. Even the pastor at my church started talking about "walking in faith".
Guess what? EVERYONE OF THE WORLD LIED!!! It'll be fun they said. It'll be a good experience, they said. It won't hurt, they said. It's exciting, they said. Bologna! I don't know that I have ever been so anxious or fallen back into my depression so fast as I did when I agreed to this. No joke and I'm not exaggerating. This whole thing makes me feel like I'm seriously broken in the head because everyone around me is excited for this whole thing to go down and I am dreading every waking moment. Then, when I'm asleep, I have bad dreams about it. Movies and TV shows say that it is so great to be in a relationship. Blah, blah, blah. So far, this is less than ideal.
Despite all of this, I believe that G-d can allow me to be excited one day for the man that I am supposed to marry. Maybe at that time, I will no longer be broken and G-d can show me a deeper version of the love He has for us by allowing me to experience dating and marriage on His time and not on mine.
To get back to the verse, though, He gave me one that I couldn't help but laugh at. I was already in bed with all the lights off, reading the Word while I start to fall asleep. However, upon reading this verse, I couldn't help but wake myself back up so that I could talk about and share it with y'all. He gave it to me after I had been pleading with Him to allow my best friend to decide to break up with me on his own. That's when the Ruach HaKodesh (Hebrew for Holy Spirit) reminded me that G-d allows us to screw up so that He can teach us some lessons in the midst of being frustrated and punishing ourselves for being foolish. It was impressed upon me to be thankful for the lessons and listen for what G-d wants to tell me. So, I thanked Him repeatedly and waited for a verse.
Moments later I received the verse Proverbs 5:13. It says: "I ignored what my teachers said, I didn't listen to my instructors." In my case, I listened to my teachers and instructors of this world instead of listening to the Teacher and my only Instructor. Just because people go to church and you trust them doesn't mean that they know what G-d has in store for you. They have no real way of knowing that unless G-d shows or tells them. Chances are, they are giving you advice from their own experiences and learning but you need to run that all past G-d before acting on their instruction. To make it even easier, don't sample from several people before you find an answer you like. I did that and got no answers that I liked or that I agreed with, but I followed them anyway and now I am paying for it. Just pray and ask G-d about everything. He will answer you but sometimes you have to be patient. Also remember to Praise G-d in the storm and not just when things are hunky dory.
Monday, February 24, 2014
I listened to the World...
Let's take just a moment to realize all that the L-rd does for us and all that He leads us through. He has led me through countless months of depression, episodes of anxiety, stressful exam weeks, bad grades, doubt, illness/injuries, bad friendships, and so much more that I can't even recall at this point. Not to mention, He is constantly working in ways that we may never be able to see. He protects us, lets us make little mistakes and then fixes them or teaches us to live with the consequences. He blesses us with circumstances to learn from, faith building opportunities, and even times when the blessings aren't in disguise. Oh how I long for some more "see-able" blessings, but I know they are there even when I am so self-involved I am unable to notice them all around.
Now, let's talk advice. I'm not going to shell any out. Let's just discuss where we get our advice from. I would like to tell myself that I listen to G-d for advice. In reality, I call my parents to ask them. I then take their input and compare it to what my friends say. Then, I weigh my options and take that back to my parents. This, of course, must be discussed with the social circle again and maybe even on Facebook. By the end of the decision making spiral, I'm past the point to make the decision and no conclusion has been decided upon.
Guess what happens when I actually do make a decision using this method. You're probably right, it turns out VERY BADLY!!! Actually, it can often result in catastrophic issues. Well, y'all know I exaggerate slightly, right? I do. This catastrophic occurrence may be fixable, but it is darn near impossible to fix without G-d taking over my whole mess. His grace and love have fixed my life more times than I can even imagine.
Why do I do this? I know that my life will be in all sorts of shambles when I use this decision making process, but I cannot convince myself to just take it to Him to begin with.
I keep listening to the World lately. That's why I bring this up. My World even includes my mom, trusted family friends, mentors, and other people I considered wise and trusted. However, it is not their fault that my life is currently more than I can handle. Yes, they gave me foolish advice but G-d had told me years ago what I needed to do. I made the dumbest decision and went against that. Now my bad decisions are causing me multiple panic attacks a day (I had 5 in one 3 hour class), I am stressed to the max, my focus is non-existent (which is really like being in the negatives because it didn't exist before), and I'm angry all the time. Most of this anger is at myself for being such a foolish girl and the rest of it is pure sinful anger at nothing at all. I'm quickly spiraling into a worse and worse situation.
Regardless of this mess I'm still digging myself into, G-d gives me moments of peace when I choose to go to Him for protection, grace, calm, relief and Shalom. He knows I screwed up. He also knows how this whole thing will end and how to get me through it. His love abounds and it is completely unfathomable. My mind is blown at how Great, Awesome, Wonderful, Loving, Merciful, Gracious, Incredible, and *insert more/better adjectives for G-d here* Ad-nai truly is. In the midst of my terrible store, I am filled with love and calm. This is especially amazing because I don't even feel this calm and peaceful when I'm not going through "Life's Storms" (or the storms I create for myself).
Praise the L-rd for His forgiveness and patience! Praise the L-rd simply because He is who He is despite who we are.
Now, let's talk advice. I'm not going to shell any out. Let's just discuss where we get our advice from. I would like to tell myself that I listen to G-d for advice. In reality, I call my parents to ask them. I then take their input and compare it to what my friends say. Then, I weigh my options and take that back to my parents. This, of course, must be discussed with the social circle again and maybe even on Facebook. By the end of the decision making spiral, I'm past the point to make the decision and no conclusion has been decided upon.
Guess what happens when I actually do make a decision using this method. You're probably right, it turns out VERY BADLY!!! Actually, it can often result in catastrophic issues. Well, y'all know I exaggerate slightly, right? I do. This catastrophic occurrence may be fixable, but it is darn near impossible to fix without G-d taking over my whole mess. His grace and love have fixed my life more times than I can even imagine.
Why do I do this? I know that my life will be in all sorts of shambles when I use this decision making process, but I cannot convince myself to just take it to Him to begin with.
I keep listening to the World lately. That's why I bring this up. My World even includes my mom, trusted family friends, mentors, and other people I considered wise and trusted. However, it is not their fault that my life is currently more than I can handle. Yes, they gave me foolish advice but G-d had told me years ago what I needed to do. I made the dumbest decision and went against that. Now my bad decisions are causing me multiple panic attacks a day (I had 5 in one 3 hour class), I am stressed to the max, my focus is non-existent (which is really like being in the negatives because it didn't exist before), and I'm angry all the time. Most of this anger is at myself for being such a foolish girl and the rest of it is pure sinful anger at nothing at all. I'm quickly spiraling into a worse and worse situation.
Regardless of this mess I'm still digging myself into, G-d gives me moments of peace when I choose to go to Him for protection, grace, calm, relief and Shalom. He knows I screwed up. He also knows how this whole thing will end and how to get me through it. His love abounds and it is completely unfathomable. My mind is blown at how Great, Awesome, Wonderful, Loving, Merciful, Gracious, Incredible, and *insert more/better adjectives for G-d here* Ad-nai truly is. In the midst of my terrible store, I am filled with love and calm. This is especially amazing because I don't even feel this calm and peaceful when I'm not going through "Life's Storms" (or the storms I create for myself).
Praise the L-rd for His forgiveness and patience! Praise the L-rd simply because He is who He is despite who we are.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Been Away
Wow, I logged in this morning and there were viewers from all around the world in my little stats column. I want to say there were about 5-6 other countries besides the US which is just amazing to me! Plus, we've surpassed 900 pageviews which makes me so happy!!!
What's up Washington and Utah! How are y'all doing? Russia, Malaysia, Germany, Argentina, Brazil, Venezuela and America, it's nice to see you checking in! How is everyone doing?
Sorry I've not been posting anything lately. It turns out that I am extremely busy when I come home from college and I just plain forget to keep y'all in the loop. I plan on changing that and this post will likely be very long...
First of all, I would like to add something to my advice the the older me:
13) Set and enforce boundaries. They need to be put in place in order to make sure you stay safe and do not get walked on. Other peoples feelings are important, but you cannot control how they feel or react to your boundaries and you must be aware of that. Make sure that you respect yourself enough to set boundaries to protect yourself and your sanity, then enforce them in a loving way.
Next, I have some good news. (Sorry about the elementary school writing today-the first, next, etc-I'm just keeping all my information spread out in case you need to take a few sittings to read this ever-growing post.) The good news is that I got an 86% on my anatomy final, which I thought would secure a solid B in the class. G-d had other plans, however. He got my an A-! Last semester I was distraught at the idea that I would not get a 4.0 gpa because I got an A- in this same class last semester too. This semester though, I am so very happy that my gpa is not going to drop further! I was sure I was also going to get a B+ or A- in chem, but the L-rd got me an A in chem. Praise the L-rd! He is getting me amazing grades even though I didn't think I would get them and it was all Him because I did not work as hard as I should have this semester.
Also, my guy friend and I talked a little bit. I am so glad that he brings the feelings and stuff up, because I really am not good at talking about feelings. It was a good talk. We discussed what has been going on and where we are headed. He said he would treat me right if we ever begin dating and I completely believe him. I mentioned my boundaries and he is totally respectful of them. I also mentioned it could be 3-7 years (huge span I know) before I could begin to even conceive of myself getting in a relationship, he respected that too and said he would wait. After feeling like I have just been used by all the guys that have shown interest in me in the past, it is so strange to know that he cherishes me. He does not speak inappropriately to me, he listens to me and is honest with me when I ask for advice. Though I have not dated anyone-and I am very glad I have not!-the qualities he possesses will be qualities that girls need to look for. He holds open doors, lets me speak my mind, and he tries to learn about me. Even my beliefs about G-d, the Bible, and the Holy Days/holidays I celebrate; he is trying to learn about it all! I pray that I do not break his heart, because we do not know if we will even work out at the end of my schooling of 3-7 years, but I have told him that he can date others and we will reassess when I am finished, if need be. For now, we are in a pleasant zone between friends and dating. I don't know how long this will be pleasant for us. Perhaps there will be major shifting sometime down the road and we will decide we are not right for each other far before my schooling is completed. Currently, however, I am satisfied and comfortable knowing that he knows my desires for dating, some of my boundaries, and my timescale. He is so very respectful, I am having a hard time believing our talk went so well, mainly because I tend to royally screw things up.
Finally, I want to tell you about my brother. All this year he has been perplexing to me. I would walk in the door after being gone at school for a month and he would tell me to go home (he meant back to school). He did not like me or be very nice to me and we would fight so much. Then, about a week or two ago, he texted me letting me know he was applying to my college. This was surprising because he had already applied to the community college near our parents home and he was planning on staying at home with them to finish up his prereques for school. Now, he is applying to my school and asking to move in with me when I get an apartment. Since I have gotten home this last week, we have been hanging out and talking about how we would furnish the apartment, if he gets into my university. We went to lunch yesterday and we talked like old friends. This relationship with my brother is what I missed to very much this last year. I had given it to G-d and accepted that my brother may never speak to me again. Then G-d turned my brother's heart back to accepting me. We have not had a fight since I have been home (which is rare for us to go this long), and he is kind to me without expecting me to do anything for him in return. For this, my heart is so very joyful.
Daily Thanksgivings: I was able to go to shul on Saturday for Shavuot (more on this holiday later). I got an A- in anatomy!!! I am finished with school. My brother graduates high school on friday, he's getting so big... My brother is being very kind and treating me like a comrad, instead of an enemy. My guy friend initiated another feelings talk and it went very well. I am home. The pain I received from the email I received from my former roommate is subsiding substantially. I have likely lost her friendship, which I understand because I was unable to warn her earlier, but all of this is for the best and G-d is calming my heart. He is taking my burden of worry, stress, guilt and unrighteous anger from me.
Praise the L-rd! My cup runneth over.
1 Peter 5:7 - "Cast all your anxieties upon Him because He cares for you."
This verse seems to be my life verse. Despite the many anxieties I have (and many are made up in my head), He takes them all and calms my heart. He alone can do this. He alone takes my depression and protects me (often from myself when the depression gets really bad). He soothes me when sleep will not come and I cry in my room because I feel alone or stressed. He is always with me, even when I feel completely isolated from the billions of other people on this giant rock. He even fashioned me, this giant rock, and the universe. He knows my every weakness, yet He loves me. He knows my past, He is with me in my present, and He has gone before me into my future. He loves me when no one else seems to be able to. He protects me from the dangers of this world. He provides for my every need and teaches me how to live, trust, and love. He is everything I need, yet He plants desires in my heart, then fulfills them!
What's up Washington and Utah! How are y'all doing? Russia, Malaysia, Germany, Argentina, Brazil, Venezuela and America, it's nice to see you checking in! How is everyone doing?
Sorry I've not been posting anything lately. It turns out that I am extremely busy when I come home from college and I just plain forget to keep y'all in the loop. I plan on changing that and this post will likely be very long...
First of all, I would like to add something to my advice the the older me:
13) Set and enforce boundaries. They need to be put in place in order to make sure you stay safe and do not get walked on. Other peoples feelings are important, but you cannot control how they feel or react to your boundaries and you must be aware of that. Make sure that you respect yourself enough to set boundaries to protect yourself and your sanity, then enforce them in a loving way.
Next, I have some good news. (Sorry about the elementary school writing today-the first, next, etc-I'm just keeping all my information spread out in case you need to take a few sittings to read this ever-growing post.) The good news is that I got an 86% on my anatomy final, which I thought would secure a solid B in the class. G-d had other plans, however. He got my an A-! Last semester I was distraught at the idea that I would not get a 4.0 gpa because I got an A- in this same class last semester too. This semester though, I am so very happy that my gpa is not going to drop further! I was sure I was also going to get a B+ or A- in chem, but the L-rd got me an A in chem. Praise the L-rd! He is getting me amazing grades even though I didn't think I would get them and it was all Him because I did not work as hard as I should have this semester.
Also, my guy friend and I talked a little bit. I am so glad that he brings the feelings and stuff up, because I really am not good at talking about feelings. It was a good talk. We discussed what has been going on and where we are headed. He said he would treat me right if we ever begin dating and I completely believe him. I mentioned my boundaries and he is totally respectful of them. I also mentioned it could be 3-7 years (huge span I know) before I could begin to even conceive of myself getting in a relationship, he respected that too and said he would wait. After feeling like I have just been used by all the guys that have shown interest in me in the past, it is so strange to know that he cherishes me. He does not speak inappropriately to me, he listens to me and is honest with me when I ask for advice. Though I have not dated anyone-and I am very glad I have not!-the qualities he possesses will be qualities that girls need to look for. He holds open doors, lets me speak my mind, and he tries to learn about me. Even my beliefs about G-d, the Bible, and the Holy Days/holidays I celebrate; he is trying to learn about it all! I pray that I do not break his heart, because we do not know if we will even work out at the end of my schooling of 3-7 years, but I have told him that he can date others and we will reassess when I am finished, if need be. For now, we are in a pleasant zone between friends and dating. I don't know how long this will be pleasant for us. Perhaps there will be major shifting sometime down the road and we will decide we are not right for each other far before my schooling is completed. Currently, however, I am satisfied and comfortable knowing that he knows my desires for dating, some of my boundaries, and my timescale. He is so very respectful, I am having a hard time believing our talk went so well, mainly because I tend to royally screw things up.
Finally, I want to tell you about my brother. All this year he has been perplexing to me. I would walk in the door after being gone at school for a month and he would tell me to go home (he meant back to school). He did not like me or be very nice to me and we would fight so much. Then, about a week or two ago, he texted me letting me know he was applying to my college. This was surprising because he had already applied to the community college near our parents home and he was planning on staying at home with them to finish up his prereques for school. Now, he is applying to my school and asking to move in with me when I get an apartment. Since I have gotten home this last week, we have been hanging out and talking about how we would furnish the apartment, if he gets into my university. We went to lunch yesterday and we talked like old friends. This relationship with my brother is what I missed to very much this last year. I had given it to G-d and accepted that my brother may never speak to me again. Then G-d turned my brother's heart back to accepting me. We have not had a fight since I have been home (which is rare for us to go this long), and he is kind to me without expecting me to do anything for him in return. For this, my heart is so very joyful.
Daily Thanksgivings: I was able to go to shul on Saturday for Shavuot (more on this holiday later). I got an A- in anatomy!!! I am finished with school. My brother graduates high school on friday, he's getting so big... My brother is being very kind and treating me like a comrad, instead of an enemy. My guy friend initiated another feelings talk and it went very well. I am home. The pain I received from the email I received from my former roommate is subsiding substantially. I have likely lost her friendship, which I understand because I was unable to warn her earlier, but all of this is for the best and G-d is calming my heart. He is taking my burden of worry, stress, guilt and unrighteous anger from me.
Praise the L-rd! My cup runneth over.
1 Peter 5:7 - "Cast all your anxieties upon Him because He cares for you."
This verse seems to be my life verse. Despite the many anxieties I have (and many are made up in my head), He takes them all and calms my heart. He alone can do this. He alone takes my depression and protects me (often from myself when the depression gets really bad). He soothes me when sleep will not come and I cry in my room because I feel alone or stressed. He is always with me, even when I feel completely isolated from the billions of other people on this giant rock. He even fashioned me, this giant rock, and the universe. He knows my every weakness, yet He loves me. He knows my past, He is with me in my present, and He has gone before me into my future. He loves me when no one else seems to be able to. He protects me from the dangers of this world. He provides for my every need and teaches me how to live, trust, and love. He is everything I need, yet He plants desires in my heart, then fulfills them!
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Advice to the Older Me
I got an idea from another blog I read and I have decided to write advice to the older me. This advice focuses on my dreams right now and why I want to be a nurse so badly.
- Mom and Mema: Remember, you are not doing this entirely for yourself, you are walking in the shoes of your family. You are completing what your mom was unable to complete to share your joy with her when you graduate.
- Babies! Whether you become a NICU nurse or L&D nurse upon graduation, remember the sweet babies you will get to care for and share the beginning of their lives with.
- The stress you feel over getting a B is unnecessary. It may feel like the end of the world, but it's not even close. You passed all of your courses freshman year when so many thought you wouldn't.
- It is okay to cry. One of the hardest things to admit, but it reduces stress hormones. We both know you have an over-abundance of stress, so just shed a few tears and move on.
- Continue to learn from your mistakes and keep taking advice-wise advice, of course.
- Always be working on remaining humble. When you do something wrong, ask how to make it better next time. Then make it better the next time.
- Remember, you started out as a CNA. You were a really slow CNA. Keep chesed for all of the CNA's, EMT's, new nurses, doctors, patients, and everyone else in the world.
- If someone doesn't treat you right: 1) Assume they could be having a bad day and continue to be kind. Do not talk about others behind their backs, but you can compliment others whether to their face or to others around them. 2) If they continue to not treat you right, STILL BE NICE! However, you can tell them that you will not help them or ask them to stop talking disrespectfully. DO NOT talk about them behind their backs. If others are, defend them, regardless of what that person did to you.
- Don't become anti-social. I know you have tendencies to do so, but get a dog and some friends!
- Read the Bible everyday. Learn to care from how Ad-nai and Yeshua (Jesus' Hebrew name) first cared for us. Wash your disciples feet (metaphorically, but can be literally too!).
- Breathe. Relax when you can. Enjoy life. Don't stress about stuff you can't fix. When you can fix something, work the problem out in your head and take care of it.
- Remember, G-d's plan for your life is infinitely better than your plan for your life. Just trust Him and stop giving the reigns, then taking them back right away!
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Rejuvinated
Shabbat Shalom!
Today I went to shul (congregation), for the first time in a month and it was so good. G-d let the worship team sing some of my all-time favorite songs and I found out that I will be done with school by their Shavuot celebration so I get to dance with the dance team!!! I have missed dancing so much, and I didn't even do it all that much. But for some reason, it gets out in physical form what I want to do when worshiping. I can't really explain it, but oh how I love to dance! Only Davidic dancing, not slow dancing or prom dancing or anything, only the stuff for worship. Do me a favor and look up Davidic dancing or messianic worship dancing, or something about Hebrew dances or anything like that. Truly, if more churches danced the way David did, I think we would be better at expressing ourselves and our love for G-d because it doesn't matter what we look like, so long as we are giving G-d praise with every fiber, cell, atom of our being. Also, every since I saw Prince of Egypt by Dreamworks, I wanted to dance like they danced at that dinner party. Now I do! You have no idea how excited I was when I first went to our congregation and realized I could potentially dance like they danced.
Anyway, it was an excellent Shabbat. G-d made a lot of stuff a whole lot clearer, I am on my way to getting right with Him and I pray that He will handle my life. Lately, I have been trying to figure life out which always gets me into trouble. I need to rely solely on Him, because when I do, He allows everything else to fall into place and He even improves my grades when I focus on Him and not necessarily on school. Foolish me, I had to try to drive the car of my life again. Unfortunately, I don't think I will ever be able to fully relinquish all of my life for the rest of my life, without trying to take control of stuff again, because I'm human. By the time He is in full control, I will likely be home with Him. But, for right now, I have Shalom. This peace that I have not felt in such a long time, and joy; both came over me today in worship and it was like a cold drink of water on a scorching hot day. A cool, sweet breeze in the midst of hot, muggy weather. My worries are at rest tonight and my brain is free for the first time in months. Life is never too much for G-d to handle and He performs miracles, some that we don't even see, every day. He is to incredible, gracious, holy, mighty and gentle.
Daily Thanksgiving: I was able to go to shul and dance today. I found out I get to be home for Shavuot (more on what that is to come). G-d provides me with the desires of my heart like dancing, the songs I love, and so much more. He has given me peace and rest from the worries and anxiety I bring on myself. He is so great and merciful and amazing. I had a wonderful day. Also, he brought me home safe and He brought me back to school safely!
Today I went to shul (congregation), for the first time in a month and it was so good. G-d let the worship team sing some of my all-time favorite songs and I found out that I will be done with school by their Shavuot celebration so I get to dance with the dance team!!! I have missed dancing so much, and I didn't even do it all that much. But for some reason, it gets out in physical form what I want to do when worshiping. I can't really explain it, but oh how I love to dance! Only Davidic dancing, not slow dancing or prom dancing or anything, only the stuff for worship. Do me a favor and look up Davidic dancing or messianic worship dancing, or something about Hebrew dances or anything like that. Truly, if more churches danced the way David did, I think we would be better at expressing ourselves and our love for G-d because it doesn't matter what we look like, so long as we are giving G-d praise with every fiber, cell, atom of our being. Also, every since I saw Prince of Egypt by Dreamworks, I wanted to dance like they danced at that dinner party. Now I do! You have no idea how excited I was when I first went to our congregation and realized I could potentially dance like they danced.
Anyway, it was an excellent Shabbat. G-d made a lot of stuff a whole lot clearer, I am on my way to getting right with Him and I pray that He will handle my life. Lately, I have been trying to figure life out which always gets me into trouble. I need to rely solely on Him, because when I do, He allows everything else to fall into place and He even improves my grades when I focus on Him and not necessarily on school. Foolish me, I had to try to drive the car of my life again. Unfortunately, I don't think I will ever be able to fully relinquish all of my life for the rest of my life, without trying to take control of stuff again, because I'm human. By the time He is in full control, I will likely be home with Him. But, for right now, I have Shalom. This peace that I have not felt in such a long time, and joy; both came over me today in worship and it was like a cold drink of water on a scorching hot day. A cool, sweet breeze in the midst of hot, muggy weather. My worries are at rest tonight and my brain is free for the first time in months. Life is never too much for G-d to handle and He performs miracles, some that we don't even see, every day. He is to incredible, gracious, holy, mighty and gentle.
Daily Thanksgiving: I was able to go to shul and dance today. I found out I get to be home for Shavuot (more on what that is to come). G-d provides me with the desires of my heart like dancing, the songs I love, and so much more. He has given me peace and rest from the worries and anxiety I bring on myself. He is so great and merciful and amazing. I had a wonderful day. Also, he brought me home safe and He brought me back to school safely!
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Scholarship
I got a call a couple days ago about a possible scholarship award. They said they had moved my application from one scholarship to another because I fit it better and now I have an interview! It would be such a blessing to get this scholarship because it is really big and I don't know how else I will be able to pay for next year. L-rd willing, I will be able to get this scholarship, plus the RA position.
By the way, I still have no headway on what I am going to do about this guy that may have a thing for me. The more I talk to people, the more unclear I get. When I talk to G-d I don't really seem to be getting the big signs that I am looking for either and I am not quite sure how to listen to His still, quiet voice. I don't know what to do!!! And this is really frustrating that I cannot get a straight answer. Some people know my plans and they say that G-d will let whatever happen happen. Yes, I know G-d will let whatever happens happen, but that does not let me know if I should go ahead in a relationship or not. Other people tell me that it is just part of the "college experience" to date people and it should be fun to have a boyfriend. To me, dating is not a hobby or an experience. Dating, in my opinion, is like a trial for marriage. It should be taken seriously and used to get to know a person before you get hitched because marriage is a lifetime commitment. It should be fun, don't get me wrong, but dating is not just something to do just for the fun of it. So, I am back to square one, not knowing if my plans are truly the ones set up by myself and G-d, or if He is telling me to go ahead and scratch my plans to go for something better. To tell you the truth, I don't know how I got all of my plans and requirements and if I stick with them, there is a HUGE chance I will never, ever, ever date anyone. Therefore, I will never be able to get married. This is one of those days where I would love to sit down and have coffee with G-d. Well, tea for me because I get heart palpatations from caffiene or too much sugar... But I just want Him to hug me and tell me it's going to be alright and I need Him to tell me what to do. If only I could have coffee with Him, maybe I would have peace and reassurance in what I need to do.
This reminds me, I have not been treating Him right lately. He has not been my top priority, I have been my top priority. That is probably why my depression is coming back, that is likely why I feel helpless, and it is also why I am down in the dumps even though my life seems to be turning around and getting "better". To tell you the truth, I have not been reading the Word every night like I normally do, I have not been going to any churches or congregations at all, I haven't been watching anything online either. I have put Him on the backburner because I figured school is right now and G-d will always be there. While it is true He will always be there, we have the choice of whether to nourish and build the relationship with Him, or to let it dwindle. When we build the relationship with Him, He takes care of our entire life and allows everything to fall into place. However, when we let the relationship dwindle or take push it aside, we push Him out of our life and He lets us "drive" on our own for a little bit. Obviously not completely, because if I were driving completely by myself, I would not be alive anylonger. But He lets us think we are taking the wheel so that we can realize that we are helpless. So, my grades are not doing well, work is extremely difficult, I can't hear Him because there is too much inbetween us (all of it on my side of the me and G-d connection), and the Enemy now has a ton of footholds in my life because I am not surrendered to Ad-nai completely. This is a miserable place to be. Again, it makes me want to go to coffee and apologize and begin to build our relationship back up, but that is not how it works. So, I will begin again, asking for forgiveness and working to put Him first. Now I understand why so many people fall away from the faith when they go to college. It is so easy to let church or congregation slide, to let fun things infiltrate your free time and to avoid things you know as right when the world is offering entertainment and "good" feelings.
Daily Thanksgiving: I am so very grateful for G-d's forgiveness. His love is overwhelming and even though I know I messed up willingly, He takes me back once I admit that I was in the wrong and work towards getting closer to Him. I am grateful that He allows us to make mistakes because it means that He allows us to have complete free will. Many days I wish He would just tell me what to do, but where would faith come into play? He allows us to fall so that He may build us up for His glory. I am grateful that He has kept me safe and that He has chosen me to live this life. I am also grateful that the biggest problem in my life right now, is figuring out whether or not I should date someone. In reality, this is not a big problem at all, I just overthink everything and make a mountain out of a mole hill. I am also thankful that G-d is working with me on that...
For those of you who pray to the One true G-d of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob: please pray for favor in my RA position attempt and also for favor for the scholarship. I am asking for favor for the largest scholarship award they allow because I really need that plus the RA position to get headway in paying for next year. Also, please pray for my acceptance into the nursing program and a really good score on the HESI.
Does anyone else have any thanksgivings, prayer requests, or anything to add to my above rants? I would love to know what you think about dating and our/your relationship with G-d! Please private message me or comment below. :)
By the way, I still have no headway on what I am going to do about this guy that may have a thing for me. The more I talk to people, the more unclear I get. When I talk to G-d I don't really seem to be getting the big signs that I am looking for either and I am not quite sure how to listen to His still, quiet voice. I don't know what to do!!! And this is really frustrating that I cannot get a straight answer. Some people know my plans and they say that G-d will let whatever happen happen. Yes, I know G-d will let whatever happens happen, but that does not let me know if I should go ahead in a relationship or not. Other people tell me that it is just part of the "college experience" to date people and it should be fun to have a boyfriend. To me, dating is not a hobby or an experience. Dating, in my opinion, is like a trial for marriage. It should be taken seriously and used to get to know a person before you get hitched because marriage is a lifetime commitment. It should be fun, don't get me wrong, but dating is not just something to do just for the fun of it. So, I am back to square one, not knowing if my plans are truly the ones set up by myself and G-d, or if He is telling me to go ahead and scratch my plans to go for something better. To tell you the truth, I don't know how I got all of my plans and requirements and if I stick with them, there is a HUGE chance I will never, ever, ever date anyone. Therefore, I will never be able to get married. This is one of those days where I would love to sit down and have coffee with G-d. Well, tea for me because I get heart palpatations from caffiene or too much sugar... But I just want Him to hug me and tell me it's going to be alright and I need Him to tell me what to do. If only I could have coffee with Him, maybe I would have peace and reassurance in what I need to do.
This reminds me, I have not been treating Him right lately. He has not been my top priority, I have been my top priority. That is probably why my depression is coming back, that is likely why I feel helpless, and it is also why I am down in the dumps even though my life seems to be turning around and getting "better". To tell you the truth, I have not been reading the Word every night like I normally do, I have not been going to any churches or congregations at all, I haven't been watching anything online either. I have put Him on the backburner because I figured school is right now and G-d will always be there. While it is true He will always be there, we have the choice of whether to nourish and build the relationship with Him, or to let it dwindle. When we build the relationship with Him, He takes care of our entire life and allows everything to fall into place. However, when we let the relationship dwindle or take push it aside, we push Him out of our life and He lets us "drive" on our own for a little bit. Obviously not completely, because if I were driving completely by myself, I would not be alive anylonger. But He lets us think we are taking the wheel so that we can realize that we are helpless. So, my grades are not doing well, work is extremely difficult, I can't hear Him because there is too much inbetween us (all of it on my side of the me and G-d connection), and the Enemy now has a ton of footholds in my life because I am not surrendered to Ad-nai completely. This is a miserable place to be. Again, it makes me want to go to coffee and apologize and begin to build our relationship back up, but that is not how it works. So, I will begin again, asking for forgiveness and working to put Him first. Now I understand why so many people fall away from the faith when they go to college. It is so easy to let church or congregation slide, to let fun things infiltrate your free time and to avoid things you know as right when the world is offering entertainment and "good" feelings.
Daily Thanksgiving: I am so very grateful for G-d's forgiveness. His love is overwhelming and even though I know I messed up willingly, He takes me back once I admit that I was in the wrong and work towards getting closer to Him. I am grateful that He allows us to make mistakes because it means that He allows us to have complete free will. Many days I wish He would just tell me what to do, but where would faith come into play? He allows us to fall so that He may build us up for His glory. I am grateful that He has kept me safe and that He has chosen me to live this life. I am also grateful that the biggest problem in my life right now, is figuring out whether or not I should date someone. In reality, this is not a big problem at all, I just overthink everything and make a mountain out of a mole hill. I am also thankful that G-d is working with me on that...
For those of you who pray to the One true G-d of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob: please pray for favor in my RA position attempt and also for favor for the scholarship. I am asking for favor for the largest scholarship award they allow because I really need that plus the RA position to get headway in paying for next year. Also, please pray for my acceptance into the nursing program and a really good score on the HESI.
Does anyone else have any thanksgivings, prayer requests, or anything to add to my above rants? I would love to know what you think about dating and our/your relationship with G-d! Please private message me or comment below. :)
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Test Results
In college, tests usually end up being scheduled all in the same week or two. I don't really know why this is, but it is a pattern I have discovered. Last week and the week before just happened to be my testing weeks. As you may know, I got a C on my A&P Lab test, a B on my A&P Lecture, a B on my Chem test and I finally got my grade back for psych... I got 104% with no extra credit offered!!! It wasn't even a typo, the teacher just decided that 6 questions were not properly worded, so she gave the entire class (of nearly 400, I think) 12 extra points. This was my first A of the semester (even without the extra points) on a test and it felt really good. Somehow, it doesn't seem as though I deserve it because I did not study nearly enough for the test, and the whole thing is multiple choice. But I am so very glad with the results because my other grades were really getting me down. This is a start, not a great one, but it's not nearly as bad as it could have been. Now, just to finish off the week... I have psych left today since I went to Chem this morning. Then I have A&P, English and Chem lab tomorrow. 11.5 weeks remaining in the semester, out of 18 (including spring break and finals week). We are making head-way guys!
My struggle to nicer talk update: I am struggling with this not because I gossip, but because I let others "vent" and gossip to me. I am also not to the point where I have stopped my sarcastic remarks to my friends. Everyone knows it is all fun and games, and most of us use sarcasm, but I don't want to be speaking anything but life to my friends. This may be a really difficult habit to break because we have morphed as a friend group to really shy and timid people, to being super comfortable with each other so we can poke fun at each others faults or shortcomings. While this may be fun, it is not right for me to do as a believer in Yeshua (Jesus' Hebrew name) because we are called to be children of light. In order to do this, we must be respectful and build each other up, speaking life over them, complimenting them, pulling them aside to talk about shortcomings that may affect the person/group, etc. When I started doing daily thanksgivings, it was really hard, I did not normally look for the good in life because I saw so much "going wrong". But once I got into the habit of looking for thanksgivings, I became more positive and happy. This was a crazy transformation because I struggle(d) with depression. Of coarse, I still have seasons of depression, but it is usually because I am not following the L-rd's plans, or I am rebelling in some way. Perhaps speaking life over my friends, and everyone else, will bring some sort of positive effect for them and maybe even for myself. I still need an accountability partner though... Maybe if I am accountable to all of you, it will work even better! Congratulations, you are all now helping me to live a more Messiah-like life! Don't be afraid to tell me when I am not speaking properly about others. Just be honest. Honesty seems even easier when you cannot see me and I cannot see you doesn't it?
I also want to start talking more positively. My friends compared me to the "grumpy cat" that usually has a frown and says some negative (yet funny) comment about most everything that is enjoyable. I know I complain quite a bit, even though it's not nearly as much as I used to. This is unacceptable for me to do. G-d blesses me with so much, how is it that my friends do not see the joy that comes from my relationship with Ad-nai? Obviously, I am living improperly, because my friends should see the love and excitement I have for G-d. I should be known for this joy and love, not for my depression, negative remarks, and sarcasm. I want to be known for being kind, gentle, loving, gracious, thankful, enjoyable, and positive. This has to change and I plan on allowing G-d to work with me on it.
Daily Thanksgiving: I am thankful that I got an amazing grade on my first psych test. I am also thankful I paid off my balance from moving to a more expensive dorm room. G-d took care of both of those because I definitely could have managed extra cash or more than 100% on a test (that does not offer extra credit points). Today, I am feeling so blessed and at peace. I know I am blessed everyday, today is just one of those times I am able to really notice every single blessing and the overwhelming Shalom (peace and many other meanings, you should look it up) encompassing me like a hug. I am also thankful that G-d is pointing out my flaws. He disciplines and works on those He loves, as long as they are willing, right? Maybe I am learning how to listen to His whispers in my life, teaching me to live properly for Him. I sure hope so because I do not like living improperly especially when my friends know I am a believer. I want to make sure my life reflects His beauty in all aspects. I am thankful for His correction.
My struggle to nicer talk update: I am struggling with this not because I gossip, but because I let others "vent" and gossip to me. I am also not to the point where I have stopped my sarcastic remarks to my friends. Everyone knows it is all fun and games, and most of us use sarcasm, but I don't want to be speaking anything but life to my friends. This may be a really difficult habit to break because we have morphed as a friend group to really shy and timid people, to being super comfortable with each other so we can poke fun at each others faults or shortcomings. While this may be fun, it is not right for me to do as a believer in Yeshua (Jesus' Hebrew name) because we are called to be children of light. In order to do this, we must be respectful and build each other up, speaking life over them, complimenting them, pulling them aside to talk about shortcomings that may affect the person/group, etc. When I started doing daily thanksgivings, it was really hard, I did not normally look for the good in life because I saw so much "going wrong". But once I got into the habit of looking for thanksgivings, I became more positive and happy. This was a crazy transformation because I struggle(d) with depression. Of coarse, I still have seasons of depression, but it is usually because I am not following the L-rd's plans, or I am rebelling in some way. Perhaps speaking life over my friends, and everyone else, will bring some sort of positive effect for them and maybe even for myself. I still need an accountability partner though... Maybe if I am accountable to all of you, it will work even better! Congratulations, you are all now helping me to live a more Messiah-like life! Don't be afraid to tell me when I am not speaking properly about others. Just be honest. Honesty seems even easier when you cannot see me and I cannot see you doesn't it?
I also want to start talking more positively. My friends compared me to the "grumpy cat" that usually has a frown and says some negative (yet funny) comment about most everything that is enjoyable. I know I complain quite a bit, even though it's not nearly as much as I used to. This is unacceptable for me to do. G-d blesses me with so much, how is it that my friends do not see the joy that comes from my relationship with Ad-nai? Obviously, I am living improperly, because my friends should see the love and excitement I have for G-d. I should be known for this joy and love, not for my depression, negative remarks, and sarcasm. I want to be known for being kind, gentle, loving, gracious, thankful, enjoyable, and positive. This has to change and I plan on allowing G-d to work with me on it.
Daily Thanksgiving: I am thankful that I got an amazing grade on my first psych test. I am also thankful I paid off my balance from moving to a more expensive dorm room. G-d took care of both of those because I definitely could have managed extra cash or more than 100% on a test (that does not offer extra credit points). Today, I am feeling so blessed and at peace. I know I am blessed everyday, today is just one of those times I am able to really notice every single blessing and the overwhelming Shalom (peace and many other meanings, you should look it up) encompassing me like a hug. I am also thankful that G-d is pointing out my flaws. He disciplines and works on those He loves, as long as they are willing, right? Maybe I am learning how to listen to His whispers in my life, teaching me to live properly for Him. I sure hope so because I do not like living improperly especially when my friends know I am a believer. I want to make sure my life reflects His beauty in all aspects. I am thankful for His correction.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Short Tangent
Do you guys mind if I have a minor meltdown here online?
I am going insane with all my friends getting married and having babies. My best friend (the one that asked me out in middle school) got married our senior year of high school (last year). Plus, his wife just had a baby a month or so ago. They were married for a little over a year, so everything was squared away there, but still! One of my friends got married this summer. Another friend got married today. Not to mention, so many others who are having babies (married or not) or getting married here shortly. Is this phenomenon weird for anyone else? As soon as high school is over (sometimes before high school is done), everyone has the urge to get hitched. What's up with that? Marriage is cool and all, I just need a little warning is all. I learned about my best friends marriage, and baby, through his sisters posts on Facebook, which plumb breaks my heart. One friend texted me when she got engaged, so I had some warning for her. But the friend that got married today didn't tell anyone anything. She just up and posted she was married on FB and announced they would have a ceremony come spring.
I am starting to be able to better deal with my friends getting married while I do not have a boyfriend yet or any plans to get married. This used to be a very touchy and sore subject for me. But I just need a little heads up. A bit of notice is all. Perhaps a little notice would allow me some time to digest the information and go through my processing cycle (which just happens to be a lot like the grief cycle as of yet). Just a little bit of time to hear the news, be sad, then slightly angry, then depressed, then I can move on to accept it... eventually. These cycles usually last a few months though. G-d is really working on me with this sadness about marriage thing. After my friend got married this summer, I have not had another bout with this ugly mess of me during the "marriage cycle". But it still stings. I know it stems from self-pity, which is really a slap in G-d's face, and He is allowing me to grow tremendously. This growth doesn't make it go away completely though and I want to be real with you guys because maybe someone out there experiences this kind of stuff too. I don't know if anyone does or not though, so I post it just in-case.
Regardless, I am grateful I have never had a boyfriend because I think all of this would be a lot harder on me if I had one (either currently or at some time in the past). All of this news about my best friend would have been much harder to swallow because it would have been my ex-boyfriend instead of a boy I merely hung out with a ton for about three years. Never-the-less, it still breaks my heart I couldn't find out from him. It sucks I can't meet his wife and his new baby boy, but c'est la vie.
Sorry about the length, my short tangent morphed into a full-fledged rant! That seems to happen a lot with me, huh? Well, I really appreciate you reading, or just allowing me to vent (even if you don't read it).
I am going insane with all my friends getting married and having babies. My best friend (the one that asked me out in middle school) got married our senior year of high school (last year). Plus, his wife just had a baby a month or so ago. They were married for a little over a year, so everything was squared away there, but still! One of my friends got married this summer. Another friend got married today. Not to mention, so many others who are having babies (married or not) or getting married here shortly. Is this phenomenon weird for anyone else? As soon as high school is over (sometimes before high school is done), everyone has the urge to get hitched. What's up with that? Marriage is cool and all, I just need a little warning is all. I learned about my best friends marriage, and baby, through his sisters posts on Facebook, which plumb breaks my heart. One friend texted me when she got engaged, so I had some warning for her. But the friend that got married today didn't tell anyone anything. She just up and posted she was married on FB and announced they would have a ceremony come spring.
I am starting to be able to better deal with my friends getting married while I do not have a boyfriend yet or any plans to get married. This used to be a very touchy and sore subject for me. But I just need a little heads up. A bit of notice is all. Perhaps a little notice would allow me some time to digest the information and go through my processing cycle (which just happens to be a lot like the grief cycle as of yet). Just a little bit of time to hear the news, be sad, then slightly angry, then depressed, then I can move on to accept it... eventually. These cycles usually last a few months though. G-d is really working on me with this sadness about marriage thing. After my friend got married this summer, I have not had another bout with this ugly mess of me during the "marriage cycle". But it still stings. I know it stems from self-pity, which is really a slap in G-d's face, and He is allowing me to grow tremendously. This growth doesn't make it go away completely though and I want to be real with you guys because maybe someone out there experiences this kind of stuff too. I don't know if anyone does or not though, so I post it just in-case.
Regardless, I am grateful I have never had a boyfriend because I think all of this would be a lot harder on me if I had one (either currently or at some time in the past). All of this news about my best friend would have been much harder to swallow because it would have been my ex-boyfriend instead of a boy I merely hung out with a ton for about three years. Never-the-less, it still breaks my heart I couldn't find out from him. It sucks I can't meet his wife and his new baby boy, but c'est la vie.
Sorry about the length, my short tangent morphed into a full-fledged rant! That seems to happen a lot with me, huh? Well, I really appreciate you reading, or just allowing me to vent (even if you don't read it).
Permission to Speak
Does anyone else have days when you wish you weren't aloud to speak because what you say is just kinda random and out of place? I have that kind of day nearly every day. I think it's because I zone out, or cannot hear someone during the conversation. I then proceed to "add" to the conversation, but end up looking like a fool because what I say is totally off topic and random. Sometimes, I think it would be nice if I had a muzzle and was not allowed to talk without a review board looking over every word I plan to say before a sound is uttered from my lips. By the time the statement is processed, it would still be off topic because the conversation would have moved on by then... I am just a slow thinker, which comes in really unfortunate when I try to be witty or when I am trying to make my argument face-to-face with someone because I think of what to say hours or even days later. When I bring up the conversation again, they look at me like I'm nuts and they probably wonder why they are my friend in the first place. Whatever, I make myself laugh and I know I could have won the argument!
Recently I watched a sermon on YouTube from a Messianic Rabbi. He was talking about gossip, slanderous speech, and other things I am very guilty of (including listening to music that is not of G-d, which came out of no-where but was something G-d was already talking to me about). Most of these things had to do with the need to control our tongue, it was very interesting and touched my heart profoundly. Isn't it crazy how Ad-nai impressing things upon our hearts, then goes on to reinforce His message in a bunch of seemingly unrelated ways. That's when I know He is talking to me most times, because the same lesson and solution keep coming up in most/all aspects of my life. This controlling my tongue thing is really tough. I have made it a point to try to not slander people, and I have been really working on that for a couple years. But I have learned I still gossip and contribute to the gossiping nature in others, even just by letting them vent. While they are venting, however, there may be some personal attacks or other things said that are not life-promoting words. When this happens, and I do not speak life about the person being gossiped or talked about, it is causing damage to them because of the power in words. This power reaches beyond the emotional hurt someone may feel when the news gets back to them, it really seems to be a way Satan spreads his mischief in this world. So, I need accountability partners. If you comment or email me, I can give you the link to the video I watched, it was really powerful. But I need help. I need to be able to be told when I am talking poorly about others. Even talking about my residents and the CNA's that help train me with anything less of complete respect is wrong of me to do. I should be speaking life about them and over them. We should be speaking life about everyone and if there is no life or good things to be said... then nothing should be said at all. So, is there anyone out there willing to help keep me accountable for my speech?
Daily Thanksgiving: Today got warmer. I had an easy day and I also got to spend time with my friends. Nothing big, but even when we do not see anything "big" happen in our lives, G-d is still working miracles, He just hasn't shown them to us yet. I also got to go to lunch with my nursing mentor, who is also my mentor for youth group/Bible study here on campus. I don't know what to call it, but it is like youth group. I am so thankful for her kindness. It is not easy to be friends with me sometimes, just because I am not great at keeping conversations going (though I really do try) and I need more time alone than the average person, so people think I am antisocial. Friends really do make me happy, I just need smaller, less frequent doses than most other people. But she has really been persistent and G-d is teaching me so much through her, not just about nursing school or my relationship with Him. He is teaching me how to branch out and show who He is in more aspects of my life.
Recently I watched a sermon on YouTube from a Messianic Rabbi. He was talking about gossip, slanderous speech, and other things I am very guilty of (including listening to music that is not of G-d, which came out of no-where but was something G-d was already talking to me about). Most of these things had to do with the need to control our tongue, it was very interesting and touched my heart profoundly. Isn't it crazy how Ad-nai impressing things upon our hearts, then goes on to reinforce His message in a bunch of seemingly unrelated ways. That's when I know He is talking to me most times, because the same lesson and solution keep coming up in most/all aspects of my life. This controlling my tongue thing is really tough. I have made it a point to try to not slander people, and I have been really working on that for a couple years. But I have learned I still gossip and contribute to the gossiping nature in others, even just by letting them vent. While they are venting, however, there may be some personal attacks or other things said that are not life-promoting words. When this happens, and I do not speak life about the person being gossiped or talked about, it is causing damage to them because of the power in words. This power reaches beyond the emotional hurt someone may feel when the news gets back to them, it really seems to be a way Satan spreads his mischief in this world. So, I need accountability partners. If you comment or email me, I can give you the link to the video I watched, it was really powerful. But I need help. I need to be able to be told when I am talking poorly about others. Even talking about my residents and the CNA's that help train me with anything less of complete respect is wrong of me to do. I should be speaking life about them and over them. We should be speaking life about everyone and if there is no life or good things to be said... then nothing should be said at all. So, is there anyone out there willing to help keep me accountable for my speech?
Daily Thanksgiving: Today got warmer. I had an easy day and I also got to spend time with my friends. Nothing big, but even when we do not see anything "big" happen in our lives, G-d is still working miracles, He just hasn't shown them to us yet. I also got to go to lunch with my nursing mentor, who is also my mentor for youth group/Bible study here on campus. I don't know what to call it, but it is like youth group. I am so thankful for her kindness. It is not easy to be friends with me sometimes, just because I am not great at keeping conversations going (though I really do try) and I need more time alone than the average person, so people think I am antisocial. Friends really do make me happy, I just need smaller, less frequent doses than most other people. But she has really been persistent and G-d is teaching me so much through her, not just about nursing school or my relationship with Him. He is teaching me how to branch out and show who He is in more aspects of my life.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Lazy Day
Shabbat Shalom! Well, it's the end of Shabbat, but doesn't hurt to say it.
Today was beautiful. It feels like spring even though we just had a blizzard a few days ago and they are calling for another one tonight. It doesn't look like it will snow, and I sure hope it doesn't because I have work at 6:30 tomorrow morning. Even with the beautiful weather, I stayed in my dorm room and relaxed all day. Read the Torah, Haftarah and Brit Haddasha portions this morning, then relaxed. I cannot imagine life without Sabbath anymore. It is truly a day when I am able to renew my strength for the coming week. For those of you who do not have a true day of rest, seriously consider taking it up. It was commanded as a day to restore and rejuvenate us, why not obey G-d and benefit from the blessing of Shabbat?
Update on my friend: He may be upset with me now, or I may be over-thinking everything. Nothing happened, we were just texting and I sent something that was improperly worded, but when I apologized, he didn't seem to know what I was talking about... I don't know what's going on. But it has made me think and rethink my plans for marriage and dating. These plans are super conservative and old-fashioned. I want my future boyfriend to ask my dad before he takes me on a date or even asks me out. He also must be friend first. I want to wait to have our first kiss at our wedding. I do not want to ever date anyone that is not serious about G-d. My future boyfriend/husband truly has to be in love with G-d before he can even think about me. I want him to go to G-d for everything, and be more in love with Ad-nai than he is with me. I do not want to start dating until junior year at the earliest and I don't plan to get married until I am graduated from college. These conditions/desires are just the tip of the iceberg. they may seem unrealistic and absurd, but these are things I believe have been pressed upon my heard by Ha-Shem (look up the meaning of this name for G-d, it's really cool!). These are ways to insure the purity and safety of my heart. They are also to ensure that the man I end up dating and possibly marrying, is the one that G-d has chosen for me.
Daily Thanksgiving: It's short and sweet today... I am thankful for Shabbat and G-d's protection over every part of me, especially my heart.
Today was beautiful. It feels like spring even though we just had a blizzard a few days ago and they are calling for another one tonight. It doesn't look like it will snow, and I sure hope it doesn't because I have work at 6:30 tomorrow morning. Even with the beautiful weather, I stayed in my dorm room and relaxed all day. Read the Torah, Haftarah and Brit Haddasha portions this morning, then relaxed. I cannot imagine life without Sabbath anymore. It is truly a day when I am able to renew my strength for the coming week. For those of you who do not have a true day of rest, seriously consider taking it up. It was commanded as a day to restore and rejuvenate us, why not obey G-d and benefit from the blessing of Shabbat?
Update on my friend: He may be upset with me now, or I may be over-thinking everything. Nothing happened, we were just texting and I sent something that was improperly worded, but when I apologized, he didn't seem to know what I was talking about... I don't know what's going on. But it has made me think and rethink my plans for marriage and dating. These plans are super conservative and old-fashioned. I want my future boyfriend to ask my dad before he takes me on a date or even asks me out. He also must be friend first. I want to wait to have our first kiss at our wedding. I do not want to ever date anyone that is not serious about G-d. My future boyfriend/husband truly has to be in love with G-d before he can even think about me. I want him to go to G-d for everything, and be more in love with Ad-nai than he is with me. I do not want to start dating until junior year at the earliest and I don't plan to get married until I am graduated from college. These conditions/desires are just the tip of the iceberg. they may seem unrealistic and absurd, but these are things I believe have been pressed upon my heard by Ha-Shem (look up the meaning of this name for G-d, it's really cool!). These are ways to insure the purity and safety of my heart. They are also to ensure that the man I end up dating and possibly marrying, is the one that G-d has chosen for me.
Daily Thanksgiving: It's short and sweet today... I am thankful for Shabbat and G-d's protection over every part of me, especially my heart.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Got Myself a Boyfriend
No, this has nothing to do with my friend that I think is flirting with me (though I don't really know what flirting is). But I got myself a boyfriend... at work. He doesn't know my name, and so he gets really creative every time he calls me over. He often refuses to feed himself, he wants me to feed him. He gets aggravated at the others around us occasionally. I also take him to the bathroom. You guessed it! He's one of the residents.
Somehow, he attaches himself to me each time I work. Which is really good, because I can actually convince him to go to the bathroom when others can't. He cooperates so well with because of this attachment. Maybe I look like someone from his past?
Anyway, I had my second AMAZING day! This time, I didn't have my work mama teaching me, but my day went well because I am finally starting to get this job a little bit. I was able to get 5 people up and to breakfast which is hard because each person has their own personality and everyone seemed to be having an "off" day today. Anyone else notice strange behavior at work today? I know I am still slow, but I am getting much faster than I was. For the first month and a half I was miserable at work, as I am sure you can recall. Work made me want to cry, and I don't cry all that much. It made me wonder if I could be a nurse and I seriously doubted my intentions of becoming a CNA. G-d has since allowed me to have much better days. He even lets patients that are normally uncooperative, and sometimes combative, settle down and help me. It's so amazing, and I have no doubt that G-d is the one calming the residents down.
Daily thanksgiving: I am thankful for how ridiculously amazing Ad-nai is. He is always answering my prayers, even the silly, little, random prayers said under my breath. He gives me my hearts desires by first giving me the desire for something, then providing what I desire (my theory). No matter what it is that I am going through, He is always there protecting me and listening to me even when I am having "toddler tantrum" days.
Somehow, he attaches himself to me each time I work. Which is really good, because I can actually convince him to go to the bathroom when others can't. He cooperates so well with because of this attachment. Maybe I look like someone from his past?
Anyway, I had my second AMAZING day! This time, I didn't have my work mama teaching me, but my day went well because I am finally starting to get this job a little bit. I was able to get 5 people up and to breakfast which is hard because each person has their own personality and everyone seemed to be having an "off" day today. Anyone else notice strange behavior at work today? I know I am still slow, but I am getting much faster than I was. For the first month and a half I was miserable at work, as I am sure you can recall. Work made me want to cry, and I don't cry all that much. It made me wonder if I could be a nurse and I seriously doubted my intentions of becoming a CNA. G-d has since allowed me to have much better days. He even lets patients that are normally uncooperative, and sometimes combative, settle down and help me. It's so amazing, and I have no doubt that G-d is the one calming the residents down.
Daily thanksgiving: I am thankful for how ridiculously amazing Ad-nai is. He is always answering my prayers, even the silly, little, random prayers said under my breath. He gives me my hearts desires by first giving me the desire for something, then providing what I desire (my theory). No matter what it is that I am going through, He is always there protecting me and listening to me even when I am having "toddler tantrum" days.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Major Problems, HELP!
So, y'all know my stories about guys asking me out... over texts so far. These guys always do this stuff and just plumb blindside me! Well, seeing as you guys all know me so well, I need some help. It seems as though another guys is starting to develop a crush on me. Again, it's one of my super close guy friends and I just don't know what to do. I was doing fine, I was finally content being single and I am convinced I do not want a boyfriend until I am at least a junior or senior and no marriage until I graduate. Now, out of the blue, my friend started being sweet to me. Lets just go over what happened tonight:
So he asked if I wanted to go to dinner with him. This is not unusual because we live on campus and a bunch of us often text and plan meals together, so I thought it was just going to be a normal night. Turns out, he only asked me. Then at dinner, he asked what I was doing before he came over and got me, I told him I was working on chemistry. He responded with: "I think we have some chemistry goin' on right here!" It was in a joking voice, but something seems different. Then he came over to my room and hung out for awhile, which doesn't happen often, but is not super strange.
Please tell me I am just reading too much into this. He keeps giving me hugs, which is actually really strange because he knows I hate hugs, but he says he is trying to melt my heart. Oh gosh, I can't do this! He knows my stories about the guys that have asked me out over text and asked me if he asked me out in person what I would say. I told him I didn't know and changed the subject really fast. Guys, I can't lose another friend this way. What is it that I'm doing wrong to ruin all of these friendships because they develop a crush? Maybe I need to get some medicine to stop my pheromones or something.
On the plus side, it seems like we may have a snow day tomorrow... AT COLLEGE!!! It's like a blizzard outside and I have heard forecasts of snow from 3-9 inches, but we are already at 3 inches and it is coming down so thick that I cannot hardly see lights 30-50 yards away, though they would normally be super clear.
Daily thanksgiving: I am thankful for my friends. I am thankful that G-d has saved my heart and myself from getting too hurt and for keeping me from boyfriend relationships. I am also thankful for the snow. Snow reminds me of the way G-d washes all our sins away and starts again with a fresh slate. When the snow melts, the dirt just drains off with the water and the earth is "cleaner" than it was before with each snow storm. I am also thankful for G-d's provisions and answer to prayers, He will show me what to do. Funny how this is the biggest dilemma I am currently faced with even though I am taking A&P, chem, and psych (3 sciences) and I am trying to get into nursing school. But, Ad-nai is faithful, and so very kind and He works all things for the good of those who love Him. He is my love, He is my husband and the only one I will ever be able to fully rely on.
So he asked if I wanted to go to dinner with him. This is not unusual because we live on campus and a bunch of us often text and plan meals together, so I thought it was just going to be a normal night. Turns out, he only asked me. Then at dinner, he asked what I was doing before he came over and got me, I told him I was working on chemistry. He responded with: "I think we have some chemistry goin' on right here!" It was in a joking voice, but something seems different. Then he came over to my room and hung out for awhile, which doesn't happen often, but is not super strange.
Please tell me I am just reading too much into this. He keeps giving me hugs, which is actually really strange because he knows I hate hugs, but he says he is trying to melt my heart. Oh gosh, I can't do this! He knows my stories about the guys that have asked me out over text and asked me if he asked me out in person what I would say. I told him I didn't know and changed the subject really fast. Guys, I can't lose another friend this way. What is it that I'm doing wrong to ruin all of these friendships because they develop a crush? Maybe I need to get some medicine to stop my pheromones or something.
On the plus side, it seems like we may have a snow day tomorrow... AT COLLEGE!!! It's like a blizzard outside and I have heard forecasts of snow from 3-9 inches, but we are already at 3 inches and it is coming down so thick that I cannot hardly see lights 30-50 yards away, though they would normally be super clear.
Daily thanksgiving: I am thankful for my friends. I am thankful that G-d has saved my heart and myself from getting too hurt and for keeping me from boyfriend relationships. I am also thankful for the snow. Snow reminds me of the way G-d washes all our sins away and starts again with a fresh slate. When the snow melts, the dirt just drains off with the water and the earth is "cleaner" than it was before with each snow storm. I am also thankful for G-d's provisions and answer to prayers, He will show me what to do. Funny how this is the biggest dilemma I am currently faced with even though I am taking A&P, chem, and psych (3 sciences) and I am trying to get into nursing school. But, Ad-nai is faithful, and so very kind and He works all things for the good of those who love Him. He is my love, He is my husband and the only one I will ever be able to fully rely on.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
On My Own
Nights one and two in my new room were a success! I "confronted" (really just talked to) my former suite mates about the issues we were having before I moved out. Then at the end of that conversation I told them I was moving out that night. I think they were shocked. Directly after I told them, I started packing and took a load up to my new room. When I got back, all three of them were standing around talking. It was one of those moments I knew they were talking about what I had just unloaded on them, but I didn't care. I was so stinkin' happy! So I did a couple more loads and one roommate comes over to me as I was packing and asked for the keys to my room. (Now, I am living on campus and had my own separate bedroom in a suite of four people and we shared the bathroom. Therefore I had keys and could lock my room door even when I was gone.) Turns out they don't care I left, they just want the extra bed for when one of the girls' boyfriends come over to spend the night! I think it is rather funny. You know how in movies the parents make great plans for the kid's room once they leave for college? Ya, they started making plans the second I told them I was leaving! They wanted it for storage and a guest bedroom. I am just glad they did not get angry and start yelling at me or crying or something. I don't deal with peers or adults crying very well, unless they are sick, or hurt or something (not just because they are angry and want me to feel bad).
This brings me to my thanksgiving. I am extremely thankful that I can now study without earplugs (my external auditory canals were beginning to become inflamed. Sorry about the sudden anatomy and phys language, I just took the test about ears last night). I am grateful for my own bathroom so I do not have to wake up ridiculously early just to get a shower because they only plan around their schedule. Now I can live on MY own schedule!!! I have peace and quiet, and study time and more room. (Please forgive the possible sentence faux pas that I think is there, but not entirely sure about.) G-d even blessed me with a huge window, a big room and a really nice view. Normally, to get a room all alone like mine, there are not many big windows, and they are usually all taken. But Ad-nai blessed me with my choice of the room and with more than I had even expected. If you are going through struggles or need something, ask G-d for it. Tell Him exactly what you want. If it is in His will for you, you will get it. It may take longer than you thought it would. (For me it seems that whenever I need something, He waits until the last minute for it to become available. But through that, I know it is nothing I did, only what He is doing.) And, as time goes by your desires will better match what His will for you is. I have this thought/theory about how G-d answers prayers. He obviously knows what all will happen throughout time. He also knows everything about us, even what we will pray. I think he plants desires (not every desire, but quite a few of them that are parallel to what His Word says about what is right and such). When we realize or receive this desire, we then start asking Him for what we want/need. Then, He answers the prayers and petitions that we have brought to Him for this thing that we were asking for. As we see prayers answered, our faith grows tremendously. I don't know if this is a true theory, but I believe it is a "G-d thought" and I have seen Him work through this process time and time again throughout my life.
This brings me to my thanksgiving. I am extremely thankful that I can now study without earplugs (my external auditory canals were beginning to become inflamed. Sorry about the sudden anatomy and phys language, I just took the test about ears last night). I am grateful for my own bathroom so I do not have to wake up ridiculously early just to get a shower because they only plan around their schedule. Now I can live on MY own schedule!!! I have peace and quiet, and study time and more room. (Please forgive the possible sentence faux pas that I think is there, but not entirely sure about.) G-d even blessed me with a huge window, a big room and a really nice view. Normally, to get a room all alone like mine, there are not many big windows, and they are usually all taken. But Ad-nai blessed me with my choice of the room and with more than I had even expected. If you are going through struggles or need something, ask G-d for it. Tell Him exactly what you want. If it is in His will for you, you will get it. It may take longer than you thought it would. (For me it seems that whenever I need something, He waits until the last minute for it to become available. But through that, I know it is nothing I did, only what He is doing.) And, as time goes by your desires will better match what His will for you is. I have this thought/theory about how G-d answers prayers. He obviously knows what all will happen throughout time. He also knows everything about us, even what we will pray. I think he plants desires (not every desire, but quite a few of them that are parallel to what His Word says about what is right and such). When we realize or receive this desire, we then start asking Him for what we want/need. Then, He answers the prayers and petitions that we have brought to Him for this thing that we were asking for. As we see prayers answered, our faith grows tremendously. I don't know if this is a true theory, but I believe it is a "G-d thought" and I have seen Him work through this process time and time again throughout my life.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Let's Get Personal
I am a very quiet, private person. I love to listen and when you tell me something it remains confidential, even if what you tell me is just a personal opinion about your future wedding or something. I will keep this information confidential. While I enjoy listening to others talk, I do not talk much myself when I get the chance. I do not tell many people about my past and there are only a handful of people that have even a glimpse of how I used to be. It was bad. So, let's delve into my past shall we?
As I have said before, I grew up in church. I even when to a Christian school through fourth grade. Now, I was never really accepted, anywhere. No big deal, I just had a bunch of people I talked to, but no real friends. The people I did get close to, and they called me their "best friend", often ended up calling me fat or putting me down in various other ways. Let me tell you, I was chunky. But does that give a friend the right to compare her body to my body in the mirror, in front of fellow classmates (girls and boys!) and tell me I am fat? Does that give my so called friends the right to criticize my nose, or my figure in any way? Does that give my fourth grade teacher the right to point out that some people have "weight problems" and that she "has never been overweight in her life"? While I may have been chunky, I was in the healthy weight range for my age according to my doctor. Needless to say, I have had difficulties with people because those that are constant takers tend to latch onto me. They still do, I just know my boundaries now so they don't stick around too long.
So I grew up with all sorts of self esteem, friendship and personal issues. This lead me to be grateful to anyone willing to hang out with me. So I found K and M (I am only using their first initial to keep their privacy.) This was a huge mistake. K did a lot of crazy things. She got pregnant freshman year of high school and got an abortion, did a bunch of pranks, sneaking out at night. Just think of it, and there is a good chance she did it. M was an only child and K's best friend since forever ago. They grew up together. K was the leader and M did whatever K did. Somehow I got mixed up in the middle of this duo, creating an unstable trio. If one person was upset with someone, the trio became a duo and that happened a lot. With K, I started hating church even more than I already had. My mom still required me to go every sunday and wednesday, but I was miserable and she knew it. She just didn't know why. My youth pastor would ask what was wrong and I would say nothing. I began cursing, developing a worse depression and became suicidal.
I took part in a bunch of self-harm. I still have scars from scratching myself. I began taking tons of aspirin, ibuprofen and anything else that I could find in our medicine cabinet. At one point, I would take 40-50 pills right after school. While I was suicidal, I could never convince myself to do anything. G-d was protecting me. He never allowed me to get sick or be hospitalized. The worse thing that would happen is I would sleep for about 14-16 hours every night. From the time I got home until I had to get up for school, I just slept.
After several months of this, my mom sent me to youth camp with my church group. I rededicated my life to Yeshua, though I called Him Jesus at the time. I got baptized for the first time once I got back home that summer. I was about 13 or 14. Ever since then, I still battle with depression, but it is never as bad as it was that year. I talk more with my parents about my struggles instead of keeping everything bottled up and I am wiser about who I hang out around. I am also wiser about how I let them treat me.
Now that you know some of my awful secrets, let me tell you what I am grateful for today. I am grateful that G-d did not give up on me, because He doesn't give up on us. I am so very thankful that the worst thing He allowed to happen to me through all of the suicide attempts, was I only fell asleep. G-d is merciful and gracious and I am so very thankful He protects me and gives me His Shalom!
As I have said before, I grew up in church. I even when to a Christian school through fourth grade. Now, I was never really accepted, anywhere. No big deal, I just had a bunch of people I talked to, but no real friends. The people I did get close to, and they called me their "best friend", often ended up calling me fat or putting me down in various other ways. Let me tell you, I was chunky. But does that give a friend the right to compare her body to my body in the mirror, in front of fellow classmates (girls and boys!) and tell me I am fat? Does that give my so called friends the right to criticize my nose, or my figure in any way? Does that give my fourth grade teacher the right to point out that some people have "weight problems" and that she "has never been overweight in her life"? While I may have been chunky, I was in the healthy weight range for my age according to my doctor. Needless to say, I have had difficulties with people because those that are constant takers tend to latch onto me. They still do, I just know my boundaries now so they don't stick around too long.
So I grew up with all sorts of self esteem, friendship and personal issues. This lead me to be grateful to anyone willing to hang out with me. So I found K and M (I am only using their first initial to keep their privacy.) This was a huge mistake. K did a lot of crazy things. She got pregnant freshman year of high school and got an abortion, did a bunch of pranks, sneaking out at night. Just think of it, and there is a good chance she did it. M was an only child and K's best friend since forever ago. They grew up together. K was the leader and M did whatever K did. Somehow I got mixed up in the middle of this duo, creating an unstable trio. If one person was upset with someone, the trio became a duo and that happened a lot. With K, I started hating church even more than I already had. My mom still required me to go every sunday and wednesday, but I was miserable and she knew it. She just didn't know why. My youth pastor would ask what was wrong and I would say nothing. I began cursing, developing a worse depression and became suicidal.
I took part in a bunch of self-harm. I still have scars from scratching myself. I began taking tons of aspirin, ibuprofen and anything else that I could find in our medicine cabinet. At one point, I would take 40-50 pills right after school. While I was suicidal, I could never convince myself to do anything. G-d was protecting me. He never allowed me to get sick or be hospitalized. The worse thing that would happen is I would sleep for about 14-16 hours every night. From the time I got home until I had to get up for school, I just slept.
After several months of this, my mom sent me to youth camp with my church group. I rededicated my life to Yeshua, though I called Him Jesus at the time. I got baptized for the first time once I got back home that summer. I was about 13 or 14. Ever since then, I still battle with depression, but it is never as bad as it was that year. I talk more with my parents about my struggles instead of keeping everything bottled up and I am wiser about who I hang out around. I am also wiser about how I let them treat me.
Now that you know some of my awful secrets, let me tell you what I am grateful for today. I am grateful that G-d did not give up on me, because He doesn't give up on us. I am so very thankful that the worst thing He allowed to happen to me through all of the suicide attempts, was I only fell asleep. G-d is merciful and gracious and I am so very thankful He protects me and gives me His Shalom!
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Homesick
For all of you that have ever been away from home, I'm sure you know what homesickness is. It's brutal! I just got back to my dorm today from spending the weekend with my family, but I cannot seem to get over this overwhelming sense of sadness that I am not with them. It seems so strange that I used to live at home all of the time, and now I hardly get to be with my family. I am very blessed that my university is only an hour away, but I still miss my family greatly. I would love to sleep at home all the time, have my mom's cooking and still be getting the same education at this college. Unfortunately, that is just not how it works. This raises the question: How am I supposed to grow up and move out? How am I supposed to get married? Leaving my family seems like I am abandoning them or something. They spend so much of their life caring for me, then I just up and leave? That doesn't seem right. I know they did it, and almost everyone in history has had to do that at some point, but I cannot wrap my head around this. It makes my heart hurt and then brings back my depression for a good few days.
Today, I am so very grateful to have such a loving family. One that I cannot separate myself from. My parents both had abusive families, but Ad-nai has blessed me so greatly with such amazing parents and a great brother (even though he is awfully ornery lately). My parents have supported me all my life, always looking out for what's best for me. (I can't even see what I'm typing right now through this blurry mess. I used to not cry very much, but it seems that between the huge amount of stress I encounter on a daily basis, and my homesickness, all I ever do is call my mom on the edge of tears. This brings another problem because I try to pretend I am not crying in order to avoid worrying her, but I think she knows...) G-d has even blessed me with pseudo extended family. My dad's father passed away when I was young (I had only met him a few times.) But G-d always provides someone else to step into that role. We do not talk at all to my mom's parents, but still I have even more pseudo grandparents. This is true for aunt, uncles, cousins and beyond! Plus, the one biological grandparent we do talk to, my Mema (dad's mom), is absolutely amazing! I could go on and on about her. She is a NICU nurse, so very kind, and I am the spittin' image of her (with brown hair, instead of blonde). I believe family is one of the biggest blessings G-d gives to us, whether they are our family by blood or not.
Today, I am so very grateful to have such a loving family. One that I cannot separate myself from. My parents both had abusive families, but Ad-nai has blessed me so greatly with such amazing parents and a great brother (even though he is awfully ornery lately). My parents have supported me all my life, always looking out for what's best for me. (I can't even see what I'm typing right now through this blurry mess. I used to not cry very much, but it seems that between the huge amount of stress I encounter on a daily basis, and my homesickness, all I ever do is call my mom on the edge of tears. This brings another problem because I try to pretend I am not crying in order to avoid worrying her, but I think she knows...) G-d has even blessed me with pseudo extended family. My dad's father passed away when I was young (I had only met him a few times.) But G-d always provides someone else to step into that role. We do not talk at all to my mom's parents, but still I have even more pseudo grandparents. This is true for aunt, uncles, cousins and beyond! Plus, the one biological grandparent we do talk to, my Mema (dad's mom), is absolutely amazing! I could go on and on about her. She is a NICU nurse, so very kind, and I am the spittin' image of her (with brown hair, instead of blonde). I believe family is one of the biggest blessings G-d gives to us, whether they are our family by blood or not.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Refused the Flu Shot
So I already posted today, but I keep meaning to write about this... and then I forget.
Anyway, I refused the flu shot. Yes, I do work in healthcare. Yes, I do work at an elderly care facility. I get to wear a lovely mask that reduces my oxygen levels by about fifty percent (probably more like five percent, but still!). Does anyone else stand with me on this issue? I do not believe they should have the right to force me to get a shot. This is my health, my body and my life! I thought the whole point of a flu shot was to protect those who get it, so why then must I get one in order to protect the residents if the residents get their for protection? I do not want to put anyone in danger, especially not myself, but I do not agree with their demands or claims. People, if you agree that they should not be able to require this of us, stand with me! I had a job offer taken back just because I am unable to get the shot. I have had several employees come up to me and ask me why I am wearing a mask. When I tell them I am unable to get the flu shot because of religious reasons, they tell me they wish they could have refused the shot. To tell you the truth, they likely could have. I do not believe G-d wants me to have the vaccine, that is why He created our bodies with the ability to produce antibodies. We are made to become stronger from illnesses in order to fight it off the next time it comes around.
So, if you believe as I do, that we should be able to decide whether we want vaccines (without getting strong armed), please stand with the rest of us that are unable/unwilling to receive this vaccine. Wear the mask, fill out the paperwork and let's start standing up for our health by trusting the Creator and how He designed our bodies. If enough of us (CNA's, nurses, doctors, admin employees, EVERYONE), stood up to unnecessary "requirement", we could get it overturned. Hospitals cannot allow half of their CNA's, nurses, doctors or any number of employees go or be on suspension because there are already such great shortages. Fight with us, do not allow this to become common place. Fight for your beliefs and rights!
Anyway, I refused the flu shot. Yes, I do work in healthcare. Yes, I do work at an elderly care facility. I get to wear a lovely mask that reduces my oxygen levels by about fifty percent (probably more like five percent, but still!). Does anyone else stand with me on this issue? I do not believe they should have the right to force me to get a shot. This is my health, my body and my life! I thought the whole point of a flu shot was to protect those who get it, so why then must I get one in order to protect the residents if the residents get their for protection? I do not want to put anyone in danger, especially not myself, but I do not agree with their demands or claims. People, if you agree that they should not be able to require this of us, stand with me! I had a job offer taken back just because I am unable to get the shot. I have had several employees come up to me and ask me why I am wearing a mask. When I tell them I am unable to get the flu shot because of religious reasons, they tell me they wish they could have refused the shot. To tell you the truth, they likely could have. I do not believe G-d wants me to have the vaccine, that is why He created our bodies with the ability to produce antibodies. We are made to become stronger from illnesses in order to fight it off the next time it comes around.
So, if you believe as I do, that we should be able to decide whether we want vaccines (without getting strong armed), please stand with the rest of us that are unable/unwilling to receive this vaccine. Wear the mask, fill out the paperwork and let's start standing up for our health by trusting the Creator and how He designed our bodies. If enough of us (CNA's, nurses, doctors, admin employees, EVERYONE), stood up to unnecessary "requirement", we could get it overturned. Hospitals cannot allow half of their CNA's, nurses, doctors or any number of employees go or be on suspension because there are already such great shortages. Fight with us, do not allow this to become common place. Fight for your beliefs and rights!
Monday, February 4, 2013
LPN?
So lately, I have been talking to some of the LPN's at work about getting my certification. I have heard that after my second or third year of nursing school (when I am a sophomore or junior), I may be able to sit for the LPN exam. Has anyone tried this or done anymore research on this subject?
Speaking of work, does anyone know when the "full moon effect" stops acting on residents? Hopefully you read my post a few days ago about my insane day at work. Well, it has not settled down. Thankfully, my first two weeks just happened to be when the residents were all ridiculously calm. But now it seems like everything is going wrong, in the crazy way, and not just at work. I will explain more someday, but right now I do not believe I have the proper mindset to fully explain the situation as unbiasedly as I can (even though I am in the middle of the whole situation). Needless to say, I am hoping to move out into another dorm room. This seems to have happened to a lot of people in dorms across the world. There are just so many personalities and there cannot be too many big, differing personalities in the same vicinity 24/7. I do not even have a big personality, but I still cannot handle this situation.
These are times when I am frustrated at life, but also very glad for Ad-nai. I know that even though this seems like a really bad season for me, but I am able to feel. While I am walking around "blind" (of my life purpose), I am not walking around in autopilot. Even though I hurt most days, I know G-d is working on me. It reminds me of that verse that says something like: A father disciplines the son(s) he loves. I may be getting disciplined or I may just be going through growing pains. Either way, G-d lets me go through enough to grow and become stronger while not letting me break. He is absolutely AMAZING! This is one of those really real moments where after the current struggle is through, the love of G-d is a giddy, new boyfriend/girlfriend type of love and infatuation. This is the type of relationship that gets me excited and unable to contain my joy, even in the midst of such sorrow and pain. So, whether I am to be an LPN or not, He will decide and direct my path. Whether I am to be a nurse, midwife, actual wife, a mother or any variety of life roles, only He will decide and direct my path. I walk this life blind for the most part, but one thing I do know is: My life is for G-d. Whatever I do I need to love G-d with all of my heart, soul, strength and might. Also, in doing so, I need to love my neighbor as myself. This is how we walk out life in this dark, dark world.
Speaking of work, does anyone know when the "full moon effect" stops acting on residents? Hopefully you read my post a few days ago about my insane day at work. Well, it has not settled down. Thankfully, my first two weeks just happened to be when the residents were all ridiculously calm. But now it seems like everything is going wrong, in the crazy way, and not just at work. I will explain more someday, but right now I do not believe I have the proper mindset to fully explain the situation as unbiasedly as I can (even though I am in the middle of the whole situation). Needless to say, I am hoping to move out into another dorm room. This seems to have happened to a lot of people in dorms across the world. There are just so many personalities and there cannot be too many big, differing personalities in the same vicinity 24/7. I do not even have a big personality, but I still cannot handle this situation.
These are times when I am frustrated at life, but also very glad for Ad-nai. I know that even though this seems like a really bad season for me, but I am able to feel. While I am walking around "blind" (of my life purpose), I am not walking around in autopilot. Even though I hurt most days, I know G-d is working on me. It reminds me of that verse that says something like: A father disciplines the son(s) he loves. I may be getting disciplined or I may just be going through growing pains. Either way, G-d lets me go through enough to grow and become stronger while not letting me break. He is absolutely AMAZING! This is one of those really real moments where after the current struggle is through, the love of G-d is a giddy, new boyfriend/girlfriend type of love and infatuation. This is the type of relationship that gets me excited and unable to contain my joy, even in the midst of such sorrow and pain. So, whether I am to be an LPN or not, He will decide and direct my path. Whether I am to be a nurse, midwife, actual wife, a mother or any variety of life roles, only He will decide and direct my path. I walk this life blind for the most part, but one thing I do know is: My life is for G-d. Whatever I do I need to love G-d with all of my heart, soul, strength and might. Also, in doing so, I need to love my neighbor as myself. This is how we walk out life in this dark, dark world.
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