As you might well know, from my many posts, I have moved back to the city I lived in during college (a.k.a. College Town, as named for my blog).
This also just so happens to be the city in which I lived through the worst year of my life, 2015.
2015 was a terrible year, filled with 2 relationships that were exceedingly toxic and abusive. I was sexually assaulted/raped, mentally imprisoned, physically abused, and otherwise harmed in most ways possible. Through these occurrences, I developed terrible depression, complex PTSD (which was made worse by my friend's suicide the year prior), and I participated in smoking and self-harm as ways of attempting to cope.
Often, in my experiences as a nurse, and general experiences as a human, I have been slapped in the face with comments, made by unknowing people.
Usually these include jokes about suicide or self-harm. Other times they are people lying about sexual assault and rape in order to remain out of trouble or to get attention. And still, there are instances that fall in and out of that range.
Recently, my ability to cope was tested as someone mentioned to me that "they don't believe most rape victims have actually been raped. Most of the time these girls didn't say 'no' strongly enough or contributed to the drinking and merely had sex that they regretted in the morning."
*deep breath*
For those of you who don't know my full story, just know that these are two very triggering statements for me 1) that the 'no' was not forceful enough and 2) that because the girl was drunk, it is automatically her fault because she was drinking.
Let me preface this by saying that sometimes people lie. Maybe someone is lying about having sex and regretting it in the morning and they feel that claiming it as "rape" is going to lessen their guilt or somehow get them sympathy. Let me also say that I have a tendency to believe people if they claim they have been assaulted, because if it's false then it'll eat away at them as they meet true victims. If it doesn't, then hey, not my problem. I would rather believe people and treat them with extra gentleness, than to assume that everyone is lying.
With that being said, the details of my story often keep me up at night. I have worked for years at grounding techniques and trying to remember all of the events that I unfortunately survived over the course of living through the hell I experienced in 2015.
My attackers were boyfriends. With 1, I question whether my "no" was strong enough, because I froze. I told him "no" about 50 times, maybe more. However, my body was frozen apart from moving his hands away and trying to keep myself safe. There are about 15-20 minutes that I cannot account for because my brain shut off and I had a sort of "flashback" but I didn't go into the past, I just went somewhere else in my brain. I remember my thoughts through that unaccounted time, but I cannot remember reality.
I struggle with knowing I could have done something, but I couldn't, all at the same time. Especially after taking self-defense, I know that my desires to kick him in the face and run, were absolutely acceptable and encouraged behaviors because of what he was doing. But I didn't do it, because I couldn't grasp the gravity of the situation in that particular moment.
My second boyfriend (of about 2.5 months at the time) knowingly got me drunk and likely drugged me. We had been planning to go out dancing and drinking. Like a fool, I told him my limit was 3 drinks, and asked him to hold my drink when I went out to dance. It was a night where we were given 2 free shots of various whiskey to encourage people to buy these brands. This, along with him getting me refill after refill (without my knowledge) and then encouraging me to chug, ended up causing me to drink too much. He knew I trusted him, and he knew I wasn't able to keep track of him being gone when I was dancing with my friends. He had been charming and fun for the few months we were together, until that night. The next memory I have was waking up next to him, naked, in a hotel room. I didn't know where I was, what had happened, or how to get home.
This is a struggle for me because I was counting my own drinks. I know to not drink too much. I know when to cut myself off. I trusted him. He claimed he wanted to help me after having been hurt by my first boyfriend. He claimed to have "over-the-moon" feelings for me. He claimed to want to marry me... after only a couple months of dating. We had had our fights, but he typically ended up working out a decent deal to "compromise" with me. After that night, he fought with me on religion, virginity, giving my body to him (he even claimed scripture for this, even though he is not a believer), and he fought me on everything.
With the two comments made about rape/sexual assault victims in relation to lying, saying "no", and drinking, I am at a war. I war within myself nearly every day whether I was truly abused the way I have had to convince myself I was, or if I'm making these things up and merely regret having sex with guys I hadn't even planned to kiss. Which, is a form of assault in it's own right, technically. But those are stories for another day.
And so, I lost hours of precious sleep, that I already don't get enough of, battling in my own head over words spoken out of unknowing. In the conversation, in which those comments were made, the person I spoke with prefaced the conversation saying they "had not had anyone in their family raped" and that these were just their findings in their limited control group of people who had claimed to have been assaulted/raped (a group of maybe 2 people). So, at least they acknowledged that. But it still stings.
It stings to not even believe my own memory, because of somebody's opinion about something that has never personally effected them or someone they love and know dearly. It stings to have to battle in my own head and lose sleep over such small comments. It stings to not be able to easily discern reality from nightmares, because your life is worse than your worst nightmare.
Grounding is exhausting in these situations and for someone who has been working 6 days a week, between 2 new jobs and learning all of the "new", it is especially difficult to bring myself back to the facts. To prove to myself that the labels of "rape" and "abuse" given by my counselor truly fit the relationships I had. Then, for days, my brain is recounting and dredging up all of the examples it can muster, and even some I had forgotten, in order to prove to me that I am not "crazy" for believing in my traumatic past.
And so the past haunts the present. It lurks in the corner of every new adventure. It tests out every new friendship, and holds it to standards that are unbeknownst to me. All I get are the results of the test: don't trust anyone and keep it to myself.
I don't talk about my past anymore. The more new people I meet, and the more I go on with life, the fewer people I tell. I told nobody in Small Town, and I don't plan on telling anyone here. The only people that will know, already know, and those were even probably not great choices. Thing is, it's not fair to keep it to yourself and it's not healthy. Counselors can't be the only people to ever know things like this, but I can't go around telling every random person I befriend about my traumatic past either.
The "discussions" started, the fights I wage, and the debate about what constitutes rape and abuse are conversations I simply try to avoid. Changing the subject or nodding along and zoning out seem to work the best for me. However, it seems that's all I do anymore...
And so it goes. I bandage those hurt feelings and move on. I don't blame the lips that spill the words. I don't abandon the people who think that way to begin with. All I can do is hope to recover from my many returns to the deep pits, and keep on pushing along.
Maybe one day things will get better.
Thursday, August 24, 2017
Utterly Exhausted
For those of you that don't know, I am currently in the process of orienting to 2 hospitals. 1 hospital, I interviewed for L&D but got told that I would need to work Mom/Baby for awhile. The other hospital was scheduled for an interview the day I got the Mom/Baby offer, and that was for the NICU. Me, being my greedy self of not being able to see myself stay in Mom/Baby with no NICU baby interaction, I decided to propose working part-time at both places to the managers. Well... they accepted that bargain.
The manager for Mom/Baby told me I would work in that department for a year before being able to switch over, I told her that was absolutely too long. She countered with saying it might just be a few months (like 3-6ish months). This didn't sound great, but it sounded do-able with me also keeping my NICU critical care skills up to par.
Well, Tomorrow is finally my last day of charting class, a.k.a. my last orientation piece before going to total floor orientation. I can do floor orientation all the day long! It's the classroom nonsense that'll kill ya... slowly...
Well, I went to talk with my Mom/Baby manager about some scheduling troubles, and she offered me a L&D position, starting at the end of the month!!! OH. MY. GOSH!!! Thing is, it'll be full time instead of part time. My insurance is through the other hospital, and I can't leave the NICU, I just can't. So, am I crazy for thinking I can do 5 days a week between 2 critical care areas? Plus, the on-call shifts taking me up to 6-7 days each week!
I'm sustaining this crazy 6 days a week schedule right now, but I'm working days. I already know that working nights is a much bigger challenge when working so many "days" (shifts) in a row. That messed up circadian rhythm will actually slowly start to kill you.
I just don't know if I can do it. But I sure want to try it for awhile. Worst case scenario is that I go to PRN for NICU and keep full-time with L&D. Plus, I don't have on-call days for L&D until I complete the 3+ months of training required to begin in L&D. So, that helps for a few months to get my feet under me and my schedule ironed out a little bit.
I guess we'll see how it goes when I talk to the Mom/Baby slash L&D manager on Tuesday. She seems pretty excited to get me over to training in the field I actually wanted to be in an originally interviewed for. She actually took a similar road to me and started in Peds/PICU and transferred to L&D, but she worked both jobs at the same time for about a year or so! I think she liked that I was trying to do that and she understands the whole process and desire to do that "double specialty" type of nursing. It's like double majoring in college, except everybody thinks you're insane and you get even less sleep.
Problem is, I've been trying to find a house to rent so I can bring my dog with me. I would also need a roommate (or 2), so that my dog would have a friend while I'm working. She is currently staying with a friend of my mom's, who has another dog. This lady takes my dog for walks with her dog every day. She has a roommate that is home most of the time, except for maybe 3 hours a week (it seems like anyway, he doesn't work I don't think...). So, my dog has friends and another dog to hang out with all the time! Sometimes she even gets to go on a "field trip" to the lady's son's office because he owns his own business and hardly has customers to the office, he mostly goes out to remote locations for quotes and stuff.
So she has a really good set-up, compared to living with a night-shift nurse, who's exceedingly lazy on her days off and doesn't even get to play with her dog because she's too tired. I really feel like the worst puppy mom in the world! But I also feel terrible for leaving her at another person's house because I don't want her to feel abandoned. She gets so excited when we come to visit her! And then she goes into a depression when we leave again!!! It's too much for me to handle.
Times like these, I start to get upset that my parents aren't living together and able to house her and my brother. I get it, they were having lots of problems and it's not economical to afford a house with a backyard, just for the dog. But still, she's my dog. I picked her out, I have cared for her. She's been my best buddy since I was about 10 and I'm now 23 1/2.
I guess I'll talk it over with the lady keeping her, and I'll try to work it out with all of my managers to see what will happen. Mostly, it's a wait-and-see type of situation. The lady keeping my dog says she loves having my dog with her dog and it's not much different than her normal routine to have an extra puppy around. Plus, she appreciates the extra money every month. My current living situation is wonderful and is great while I am working so many crazy hours, and I don't have to do much since I have a roommate that does most everything around his house.
My heart says YES!!! My brain says I could probably make it work, but I'll be beyond exhausted, but I need the experience and my resume will be beyond great! My body says are you insane? I'm barely running as it is, AND WE'RE ON DAYS!!! So, mostly, I'm leaning towards the hard YES!!!!!!!!!!! But I'll talk with my manager Tuesday and discuss it a bit more.
Time to go pray! This will be quite the interesting adventure, should I choose to embark.
The manager for Mom/Baby told me I would work in that department for a year before being able to switch over, I told her that was absolutely too long. She countered with saying it might just be a few months (like 3-6ish months). This didn't sound great, but it sounded do-able with me also keeping my NICU critical care skills up to par.
Well, Tomorrow is finally my last day of charting class, a.k.a. my last orientation piece before going to total floor orientation. I can do floor orientation all the day long! It's the classroom nonsense that'll kill ya... slowly...
Well, I went to talk with my Mom/Baby manager about some scheduling troubles, and she offered me a L&D position, starting at the end of the month!!! OH. MY. GOSH!!! Thing is, it'll be full time instead of part time. My insurance is through the other hospital, and I can't leave the NICU, I just can't. So, am I crazy for thinking I can do 5 days a week between 2 critical care areas? Plus, the on-call shifts taking me up to 6-7 days each week!
I'm sustaining this crazy 6 days a week schedule right now, but I'm working days. I already know that working nights is a much bigger challenge when working so many "days" (shifts) in a row. That messed up circadian rhythm will actually slowly start to kill you.
I just don't know if I can do it. But I sure want to try it for awhile. Worst case scenario is that I go to PRN for NICU and keep full-time with L&D. Plus, I don't have on-call days for L&D until I complete the 3+ months of training required to begin in L&D. So, that helps for a few months to get my feet under me and my schedule ironed out a little bit.
I guess we'll see how it goes when I talk to the Mom/Baby slash L&D manager on Tuesday. She seems pretty excited to get me over to training in the field I actually wanted to be in an originally interviewed for. She actually took a similar road to me and started in Peds/PICU and transferred to L&D, but she worked both jobs at the same time for about a year or so! I think she liked that I was trying to do that and she understands the whole process and desire to do that "double specialty" type of nursing. It's like double majoring in college, except everybody thinks you're insane and you get even less sleep.
Problem is, I've been trying to find a house to rent so I can bring my dog with me. I would also need a roommate (or 2), so that my dog would have a friend while I'm working. She is currently staying with a friend of my mom's, who has another dog. This lady takes my dog for walks with her dog every day. She has a roommate that is home most of the time, except for maybe 3 hours a week (it seems like anyway, he doesn't work I don't think...). So, my dog has friends and another dog to hang out with all the time! Sometimes she even gets to go on a "field trip" to the lady's son's office because he owns his own business and hardly has customers to the office, he mostly goes out to remote locations for quotes and stuff.
So she has a really good set-up, compared to living with a night-shift nurse, who's exceedingly lazy on her days off and doesn't even get to play with her dog because she's too tired. I really feel like the worst puppy mom in the world! But I also feel terrible for leaving her at another person's house because I don't want her to feel abandoned. She gets so excited when we come to visit her! And then she goes into a depression when we leave again!!! It's too much for me to handle.
Times like these, I start to get upset that my parents aren't living together and able to house her and my brother. I get it, they were having lots of problems and it's not economical to afford a house with a backyard, just for the dog. But still, she's my dog. I picked her out, I have cared for her. She's been my best buddy since I was about 10 and I'm now 23 1/2.
I guess I'll talk it over with the lady keeping her, and I'll try to work it out with all of my managers to see what will happen. Mostly, it's a wait-and-see type of situation. The lady keeping my dog says she loves having my dog with her dog and it's not much different than her normal routine to have an extra puppy around. Plus, she appreciates the extra money every month. My current living situation is wonderful and is great while I am working so many crazy hours, and I don't have to do much since I have a roommate that does most everything around his house.
My heart says YES!!! My brain says I could probably make it work, but I'll be beyond exhausted, but I need the experience and my resume will be beyond great! My body says are you insane? I'm barely running as it is, AND WE'RE ON DAYS!!! So, mostly, I'm leaning towards the hard YES!!!!!!!!!!! But I'll talk with my manager Tuesday and discuss it a bit more.
Time to go pray! This will be quite the interesting adventure, should I choose to embark.
Sunday, August 13, 2017
Trigger Happy
Today was a rough day. Work was not bad, I had a nice preceptor. I learned a lot, and orientation is going well, considering it was only my 3rd day. However, I swear that every trigger I have was hit today.
Dealt with domestic violence reports all morning. Talked about the local domestic violence safe house/counseling program that I was able to go to for counseling. That discussion took me by surprise. I didn't tell anyone that's where I went, but first thing we did in the morning was order a consult so that one of our mom's could be referred to that program. Knife to the heart.
Dirty jokes at the nurse's station almost had me in tears. Deep breaths as I suffocate in the wide open.
We had a baby born from a sexual assault. Another jab.
My friend's nephew died by suicide today because he couldn't handle life after his dad had passed away a few months ago. Flashback to Country Boy, and my heart nearly stopped.
First thing that came on t.v. was a show about a girl who was being abused by her boyfriend, and it almost sounded just like my story with ex-fiance. What are you doing to me L-rd???
I change the channel to find something a little less triggering and one of ex-boyfriend's favorite movies comes on. Just let it be done, let me escape this life.
From the people, to the smells, to the sounds and songs, to the jokes, and everything else that happened today; I was bombarded with triggers. I excused myself during some of the conversations to go get my aromatherapy, but it wasn't the one that is strong enough to get me out of my flashbacks. I don't know if I will be able to work postpartum if this is going to keep up.
A couple days ago I had a drink with a friend and learned that ex-fiance (who told me he was moving to another state "because I called the cops")is actually still here. I haven't even started the other job where ex-boyfriend has family working, who know me and probably despise me now. That probably won't be a good situation if they are still working there.
I don't know what I was thinking!!! How am I supposed to be able to survive living here, with all of my past a part of my every day journey to the bottom of a deep chasm that I had climbed out of when I moved to Small Town last year.
Survival was barely feasible there, 8 hours away from this place. What on earth would make me believe I could survive by facing my dark past at every turn of every day?
Dealt with domestic violence reports all morning. Talked about the local domestic violence safe house/counseling program that I was able to go to for counseling. That discussion took me by surprise. I didn't tell anyone that's where I went, but first thing we did in the morning was order a consult so that one of our mom's could be referred to that program. Knife to the heart.
Dirty jokes at the nurse's station almost had me in tears. Deep breaths as I suffocate in the wide open.
We had a baby born from a sexual assault. Another jab.
My friend's nephew died by suicide today because he couldn't handle life after his dad had passed away a few months ago. Flashback to Country Boy, and my heart nearly stopped.
First thing that came on t.v. was a show about a girl who was being abused by her boyfriend, and it almost sounded just like my story with ex-fiance. What are you doing to me L-rd???
I change the channel to find something a little less triggering and one of ex-boyfriend's favorite movies comes on. Just let it be done, let me escape this life.
From the people, to the smells, to the sounds and songs, to the jokes, and everything else that happened today; I was bombarded with triggers. I excused myself during some of the conversations to go get my aromatherapy, but it wasn't the one that is strong enough to get me out of my flashbacks. I don't know if I will be able to work postpartum if this is going to keep up.
A couple days ago I had a drink with a friend and learned that ex-fiance (who told me he was moving to another state "because I called the cops")is actually still here. I haven't even started the other job where ex-boyfriend has family working, who know me and probably despise me now. That probably won't be a good situation if they are still working there.
I don't know what I was thinking!!! How am I supposed to be able to survive living here, with all of my past a part of my every day journey to the bottom of a deep chasm that I had climbed out of when I moved to Small Town last year.
Survival was barely feasible there, 8 hours away from this place. What on earth would make me believe I could survive by facing my dark past at every turn of every day?
Friday, July 28, 2017
Mass Migration
Maybe it's just summer coming to a close and people are trying to move, in between school years and vacations. Maybe it's just because I perceive things that aren't actually there. Who knows? But it seems as though there is a mass migration of people to Home State. Everybody is snatching up all of the houses for rent in Home Town and College Town and I have no hope. I have been house hunting for over 2 months and cannot pin down a blessed place!!!
Best Friend has been going back and forth between wanting to live with me, and deciding that's a bad idea since I told him I might be moving back here. Once I finally started applying to jobs here, he suggested we go ahead and live together. Once I got the job, however, he told me he couldn't live with me because he didn't want to "fall in love with me". So I got frustrated with the fact that I had a housing situation partially set up, then he bailed.
I have been actively online and physically searching for a house since I got back to Home State. I set up my budget and got everything lined out to try to afford the inflated prices of this terrible town by myself.
Sunday night Best Friend texted me saying he decided he wanted to live with me after all. He told me to cancel all of the meetings I had to see other housing arrangements so that we could go see houses together. I told him I would not cancel those meetings because I had been working for months to secure any kind of a house visitation that didn't get rented before I even showed up the next day. He started searching for houses and it became apparent, really quickly, that we needed: opposite sides of town, different needs for our dogs, and had vastly different budgets. I kept poking holes in the houses he sent me, because they would not work. He kept sending me houses that I knew had already been rented because I had seen them weeks ago and called on them already. He didn't believe me, called them, and got angry when the house manager confirmed that those houses had already been rented. I don't know why he wouldn't believe me on these things, but he didn't. We looked for houses online for about 3 days, I called most of them because he was at work, and at the end of the 3 days I was so frustrated and upset that I finally called the whole thing off.
However, I had already cancelled one of my meetings to rent a room from a friend who bought a house last summer. I texted that friend and told him I was thinking of trying to find a place with a friend so as not to put him out. He told me it wouldn't be a bother, and he wished me well anyway. He and I have planned to hang out at some point this week, after my orientation days, so I'm sure he will ask about my housing situation then and I can bring it up again. I don't know how that will go though.
All I need is a room to rent so I can sleep!!! I won't hardly ever be there because I'm going to be working 6 days a week!!!
I've prayed and asked the L-rd for help, knowing that He doesn't make a major move until last minute. I don't appreciate the last minute move, but I've seen Him work enough miracles, and test my faith enough that I can suspect this may be what He's doing again. The struggle it is to be me with my faith being tested on a daily basis!!!
I'm glad I stayed true to my boundaries with Best Friend though.
Guys, I need a house for my dog and I!!! I need for everyone in the world to not be moving here and driving prices up while taking all of our jobs and houses!!! I need just a little peace in this whole whirlwind of a seemingly foolish choice. G-d wouldn't have made the move so easy, and allowed me to get 2 part-time jobs so easily without it being His will, would He? When I'm working against G-d there is normally impossible hurdles to overcome and many obstacles to let me know it is not His will. Getting here, being let out of my lease, quitting my job; all of those came easily. Obtaining 2 new jobs with kind managers that allow me to work both places happened easily too. Why can I not find a house? A simple place to sleep for my dog and I? Somewhere where I won't have to drive 2 hours in traffic to get to work and get home from work.
Folks, that's right, I am now driving 2 hours, IN TRAFFIC, to get to work and home from work. I can't be doing that when I begin the full-time floor orientation hours! I don't get enough sleep after a 12 hour shift as it is, no way I could manage working 6 twelve's and still manage to drive 4 hours every day in RUSH HOUR traffic!!!!!
What was I thinking to move back here? I'm such a fool. How is it that G-d is going to use this for His good? How is it that this is just a faith test and everything will work out soon. Will it work out soon?
I miss my friends. I miss my dog (who's staying at my mom's friend's house). I miss my babies and watching them grow up. I miss Small Town, and the small life I built there.
Just as I miss so many things, I don't miss many others; the workplace bullying, constant stress at work from coworkers and lack of management of our unit, the stress of having doctors yell at us constantly, worrying about being 8 hours away from my family all the time, Mema being upset with me all the time and going through her bipolar emotional waves, not being able to see my mom, frustrated with the lack of support and technology at work to help me take care of my babies. Some of these problems will be present wherever I go, but many of them are never as bad as they were in Small Town because Small Town people have never experienced anything other than nurses eating their young, emotional blowouts and yelling matches on the unit where people are expected to deal with it or literally move units, and various other unacceptable things that are not allowed in bigger town hospitals. I'm excited to see what it's like working in the hospitals I did my clinicals at, to see how patient care and employee relationships differ from the nonsense that took place in Small Town. I'm also interested to see how doctors treat the nurses, after being in constant fear of being yelled at by the doctors and practitioners in my first unit. this will all be very interesting, for sure.
Guys, if you happen to think of me during your times of prayer, maybe help me in petitioning G-d for a solid roommate situation or a good house for low rent. I'm really needing some help. Also, if you could maybe think to ask for me to move from Mom/Baby into L&D real quick too, that would be wonderful.
Bless you all and I hope y'all's summers are more relaxing and less chaotic than mine!
Best Friend has been going back and forth between wanting to live with me, and deciding that's a bad idea since I told him I might be moving back here. Once I finally started applying to jobs here, he suggested we go ahead and live together. Once I got the job, however, he told me he couldn't live with me because he didn't want to "fall in love with me". So I got frustrated with the fact that I had a housing situation partially set up, then he bailed.
I have been actively online and physically searching for a house since I got back to Home State. I set up my budget and got everything lined out to try to afford the inflated prices of this terrible town by myself.
Sunday night Best Friend texted me saying he decided he wanted to live with me after all. He told me to cancel all of the meetings I had to see other housing arrangements so that we could go see houses together. I told him I would not cancel those meetings because I had been working for months to secure any kind of a house visitation that didn't get rented before I even showed up the next day. He started searching for houses and it became apparent, really quickly, that we needed: opposite sides of town, different needs for our dogs, and had vastly different budgets. I kept poking holes in the houses he sent me, because they would not work. He kept sending me houses that I knew had already been rented because I had seen them weeks ago and called on them already. He didn't believe me, called them, and got angry when the house manager confirmed that those houses had already been rented. I don't know why he wouldn't believe me on these things, but he didn't. We looked for houses online for about 3 days, I called most of them because he was at work, and at the end of the 3 days I was so frustrated and upset that I finally called the whole thing off.
However, I had already cancelled one of my meetings to rent a room from a friend who bought a house last summer. I texted that friend and told him I was thinking of trying to find a place with a friend so as not to put him out. He told me it wouldn't be a bother, and he wished me well anyway. He and I have planned to hang out at some point this week, after my orientation days, so I'm sure he will ask about my housing situation then and I can bring it up again. I don't know how that will go though.
All I need is a room to rent so I can sleep!!! I won't hardly ever be there because I'm going to be working 6 days a week!!!
I've prayed and asked the L-rd for help, knowing that He doesn't make a major move until last minute. I don't appreciate the last minute move, but I've seen Him work enough miracles, and test my faith enough that I can suspect this may be what He's doing again. The struggle it is to be me with my faith being tested on a daily basis!!!
I'm glad I stayed true to my boundaries with Best Friend though.
Guys, I need a house for my dog and I!!! I need for everyone in the world to not be moving here and driving prices up while taking all of our jobs and houses!!! I need just a little peace in this whole whirlwind of a seemingly foolish choice. G-d wouldn't have made the move so easy, and allowed me to get 2 part-time jobs so easily without it being His will, would He? When I'm working against G-d there is normally impossible hurdles to overcome and many obstacles to let me know it is not His will. Getting here, being let out of my lease, quitting my job; all of those came easily. Obtaining 2 new jobs with kind managers that allow me to work both places happened easily too. Why can I not find a house? A simple place to sleep for my dog and I? Somewhere where I won't have to drive 2 hours in traffic to get to work and get home from work.
Folks, that's right, I am now driving 2 hours, IN TRAFFIC, to get to work and home from work. I can't be doing that when I begin the full-time floor orientation hours! I don't get enough sleep after a 12 hour shift as it is, no way I could manage working 6 twelve's and still manage to drive 4 hours every day in RUSH HOUR traffic!!!!!
What was I thinking to move back here? I'm such a fool. How is it that G-d is going to use this for His good? How is it that this is just a faith test and everything will work out soon. Will it work out soon?
I miss my friends. I miss my dog (who's staying at my mom's friend's house). I miss my babies and watching them grow up. I miss Small Town, and the small life I built there.
Just as I miss so many things, I don't miss many others; the workplace bullying, constant stress at work from coworkers and lack of management of our unit, the stress of having doctors yell at us constantly, worrying about being 8 hours away from my family all the time, Mema being upset with me all the time and going through her bipolar emotional waves, not being able to see my mom, frustrated with the lack of support and technology at work to help me take care of my babies. Some of these problems will be present wherever I go, but many of them are never as bad as they were in Small Town because Small Town people have never experienced anything other than nurses eating their young, emotional blowouts and yelling matches on the unit where people are expected to deal with it or literally move units, and various other unacceptable things that are not allowed in bigger town hospitals. I'm excited to see what it's like working in the hospitals I did my clinicals at, to see how patient care and employee relationships differ from the nonsense that took place in Small Town. I'm also interested to see how doctors treat the nurses, after being in constant fear of being yelled at by the doctors and practitioners in my first unit. this will all be very interesting, for sure.
Guys, if you happen to think of me during your times of prayer, maybe help me in petitioning G-d for a solid roommate situation or a good house for low rent. I'm really needing some help. Also, if you could maybe think to ask for me to move from Mom/Baby into L&D real quick too, that would be wonderful.
Bless you all and I hope y'all's summers are more relaxing and less chaotic than mine!
Wednesday, July 19, 2017
Rebuilding Life
As I've had the past couple weeks "off", I have noted that the month of June/July is not a good month for me as far as life/working goes. For the past several years, this has been a time of the year where I am trying to start jobs, find housing, and otherwise "homeless" and bouncing between both of my parent's houses.
Both orientations are proving to be a bigger pain in the a$$ than initially expected. Between both hospital's HR people contacting me, educators calling, appointments for paperwork and health screenings, and the slew of other things I have to get done while living an hour and a half away from where I need to be, I'm frustrated. Just breathe. I know that everything will get done and even if I was only trying to figure out this process for one hospital, it would still be annoying. It'll get done soon, I'm just looking forward to being done with hospital orientations and floor orientations, so I can just start working.
Praise the L-rd I've got decent amounts of experience in NICU and some post partum/baby experience. Hopefully I get to learn some new valuable things during orientation!!!
I'll be going through the same charting class twice in the next couple of weeks, and it's a class I went through 2-3 times throughout nursing school. I should be working directly for the company by this point, but that didn't seem to happen.
No housing has become available in order for me to be able to move down to College town anytime soon. Maybe it's because I sound like a child on the phone? Maybe it's because everybody and their cousin is moving to this damn state and snatching up any hopes of having a house I had. House prices are skyrocketing, rent prices are ridiculous, new houses are being built all over the place, and I predict another economy crash here in the near future. I can see the crash of 2008 happening again... soon. Until then, I'll be trying to find a place for me and the puppy to live.
This baby nurse is struggling.
How is your guys' summer shaping up?
Both orientations are proving to be a bigger pain in the a$$ than initially expected. Between both hospital's HR people contacting me, educators calling, appointments for paperwork and health screenings, and the slew of other things I have to get done while living an hour and a half away from where I need to be, I'm frustrated. Just breathe. I know that everything will get done and even if I was only trying to figure out this process for one hospital, it would still be annoying. It'll get done soon, I'm just looking forward to being done with hospital orientations and floor orientations, so I can just start working.
Praise the L-rd I've got decent amounts of experience in NICU and some post partum/baby experience. Hopefully I get to learn some new valuable things during orientation!!!
I'll be going through the same charting class twice in the next couple of weeks, and it's a class I went through 2-3 times throughout nursing school. I should be working directly for the company by this point, but that didn't seem to happen.
No housing has become available in order for me to be able to move down to College town anytime soon. Maybe it's because I sound like a child on the phone? Maybe it's because everybody and their cousin is moving to this damn state and snatching up any hopes of having a house I had. House prices are skyrocketing, rent prices are ridiculous, new houses are being built all over the place, and I predict another economy crash here in the near future. I can see the crash of 2008 happening again... soon. Until then, I'll be trying to find a place for me and the puppy to live.
This baby nurse is struggling.
How is your guys' summer shaping up?
Thursday, July 6, 2017
Last Days
I resigned from my NICU job here in Small Town and have gotten several offers in College Town. So, it appears as though I'm moving back to that dreadful city. I tried to work closer to my parents so that I could live with them, but they took forever to get back to me, jobs are still pending review. Meanwhile, I have had several decent job offers in College Town and so now I'm looking at houses there.
This is exhausting. I've cried more in the past two weeks than I have my year here. I thought I was sick of this place and that it would be easy to leave, but nobody makes you feel more appreciated than when they know you are for sure leaving. Nurses and practitioners that used to get mad at me for small mistakes in critical situations (that didn't effect the outcome, nor did they really matter they are just their preferences), were all hugging me and telling me that I was a great nurse.
T hat got me thinking that so much of our identity at the hospital is simply being a "good nurse", "good CNA", "good doctor", or "good _________". Fill in the blank with whatever your title is and that's your new identity as a person within those walls. It's a difficult thing to be seen as your job title instead of as you as a person, but I guess that's all they know me as. Many of the night shifters have expressed how much they'll miss me, so that was really nice. I signed off with my parents for the last time and told them to keep in touch on our NICU Facebook page. I've cried, hugged more people than I thought possible, and I was blessed to be able to run into most everyone I wanted to say goodbye to and found the rest on Facebook.
My last week at work was wonderful. I got to do all of my favorite things, say goodbye to mass amounts of people, and my unit threw me a going away party. I felt so special and so loved. G-d orchestrated the night to let me help with breastfeeding, let parents give a bath to a little baby that dad hadn't gotten to help bathe before, I went on a delivery, got to visit with the L&D, postpartum, newborn nursery, and women's center ladies. I also got to snuggle all of my favorite little babies that are on the unit. It's crazy to think of how much I've learned this last year to be able to help teach our newer nurses some of the skills they haven't done yet. I've started to realize how much extra they taught me because I was asking to learn and do more. My charge nurse that let me have that 1:1 baby that ended up dying really took me under her wing and tried to get me as much experience as possible.
I'm going to miss our people, our babies, and this town. I've really enjoyed living here and have just now gotten to the point of having friends (because they are new and actually go do stuff with me). This decision was so difficult and going through with the move is crazy difficult. However, the pro con list is sufficient enough to sway me to try another beginning closer to my family. Mostly, the decision has come down to grandpa just having a few months because he's been doing so poorly, and my grandmother being overbearing. I love her, but I definitely need boundaries and to be allowed to be an independent adult. Now I'm off to learn all the doctors and nurse practitioners at new hospitals. I am looking for a house when I didn't think I would have to move for another year. I am moving back to College Town when I swore I would never do so because of the past I left behind there. I am praying that I don't run into the guys or their families. I am also praying that as I try to incorporate myself into new units, that I am accepted, make friends, and that I'm able to keep up with the 2 part-time jobs that I've chosen so that I can work towards L&D experience, while not losing my NICU skills and the baby snuggles I've come so accustomed to. I was so excited and happy to move down here and it's so difficult to leave.
I pray the L-rd guide me, protect me, and cover me with his grace. This is a scary road, and I hope it gets me closer to the goals I have for myself and ultimately the plans G-d has for me.
On the bright side, I've tried many of the churches there, have my couple of favorites, I know the good and bad areas of town to live in, and have some friends there. It's not going to be completely new and scary. I just need a security system with cameras, a new face and name, and now furniture because I sold all mine! It'll be nice to move somewhere and have a basis of living there, a basis of my job duties and skills, and a slight social circle. I'm terrified of the flashbacks and nightmares that have already started and of running into the guys and their families. Exboyfriend's sister works on the floor that I will be starting to work in the NICU at and that terrifies me. She didn't like me before and she sure as hell won't like me now that I've submitted police reports and sexual assault allegations against her brother. I'm praying she got a new job somewhere else and that I will never see her. I don't know what I would do if I ever did run into her and I'm seriously considering using a nickname while I'm working there. I pray the Good L-rd wipes her memory of me and that I'm just some new person on the floor.
This is exhausting. I've cried more in the past two weeks than I have my year here. I thought I was sick of this place and that it would be easy to leave, but nobody makes you feel more appreciated than when they know you are for sure leaving. Nurses and practitioners that used to get mad at me for small mistakes in critical situations (that didn't effect the outcome, nor did they really matter they are just their preferences), were all hugging me and telling me that I was a great nurse.
T hat got me thinking that so much of our identity at the hospital is simply being a "good nurse", "good CNA", "good doctor", or "good _________". Fill in the blank with whatever your title is and that's your new identity as a person within those walls. It's a difficult thing to be seen as your job title instead of as you as a person, but I guess that's all they know me as. Many of the night shifters have expressed how much they'll miss me, so that was really nice. I signed off with my parents for the last time and told them to keep in touch on our NICU Facebook page. I've cried, hugged more people than I thought possible, and I was blessed to be able to run into most everyone I wanted to say goodbye to and found the rest on Facebook.
My last week at work was wonderful. I got to do all of my favorite things, say goodbye to mass amounts of people, and my unit threw me a going away party. I felt so special and so loved. G-d orchestrated the night to let me help with breastfeeding, let parents give a bath to a little baby that dad hadn't gotten to help bathe before, I went on a delivery, got to visit with the L&D, postpartum, newborn nursery, and women's center ladies. I also got to snuggle all of my favorite little babies that are on the unit. It's crazy to think of how much I've learned this last year to be able to help teach our newer nurses some of the skills they haven't done yet. I've started to realize how much extra they taught me because I was asking to learn and do more. My charge nurse that let me have that 1:1 baby that ended up dying really took me under her wing and tried to get me as much experience as possible.
I'm going to miss our people, our babies, and this town. I've really enjoyed living here and have just now gotten to the point of having friends (because they are new and actually go do stuff with me). This decision was so difficult and going through with the move is crazy difficult. However, the pro con list is sufficient enough to sway me to try another beginning closer to my family. Mostly, the decision has come down to grandpa just having a few months because he's been doing so poorly, and my grandmother being overbearing. I love her, but I definitely need boundaries and to be allowed to be an independent adult. Now I'm off to learn all the doctors and nurse practitioners at new hospitals. I am looking for a house when I didn't think I would have to move for another year. I am moving back to College Town when I swore I would never do so because of the past I left behind there. I am praying that I don't run into the guys or their families. I am also praying that as I try to incorporate myself into new units, that I am accepted, make friends, and that I'm able to keep up with the 2 part-time jobs that I've chosen so that I can work towards L&D experience, while not losing my NICU skills and the baby snuggles I've come so accustomed to. I was so excited and happy to move down here and it's so difficult to leave.
I pray the L-rd guide me, protect me, and cover me with his grace. This is a scary road, and I hope it gets me closer to the goals I have for myself and ultimately the plans G-d has for me.
On the bright side, I've tried many of the churches there, have my couple of favorites, I know the good and bad areas of town to live in, and have some friends there. It's not going to be completely new and scary. I just need a security system with cameras, a new face and name, and now furniture because I sold all mine! It'll be nice to move somewhere and have a basis of living there, a basis of my job duties and skills, and a slight social circle. I'm terrified of the flashbacks and nightmares that have already started and of running into the guys and their families. Exboyfriend's sister works on the floor that I will be starting to work in the NICU at and that terrifies me. She didn't like me before and she sure as hell won't like me now that I've submitted police reports and sexual assault allegations against her brother. I'm praying she got a new job somewhere else and that I will never see her. I don't know what I would do if I ever did run into her and I'm seriously considering using a nickname while I'm working there. I pray the Good L-rd wipes her memory of me and that I'm just some new person on the floor.
Tuesday, June 20, 2017
One of Those Days
Today is just one of those days.
I woke up at 7 a.m. because I had an appointment to take my car in to the shop because I had taken on some water in my transmission due to some flooding a few weeks ago. I show up and they tell me they might not get to see my car until after noon. Then what's the point of an appointment?!?
I dropped it off because I need it fixed, they shuttled me home. Then called because they had failed to let me know it would cost $52 just to "look" at the car due to the fact that it's making a weird sound. Well, you just dropped me off with no transportation, so I guess it's okay to do that.
Fast-forward to them texting me at their closing time: They texted that they have an estimate on my car and to call them back. I called back and they apologized, because they had sent that text prematurely. I can feel my blood pressure rising. I called my dad to ask if it's worth it to let them keep my car to work on it and in the process of talking with dad, I went ahead and decided to call the mechanics back and tell them to just let me have my car back. So I call back and ask if they have already seen it, due to the conflicting messages I have received thus far. I got a few mixed messages with roundabout explanations, all of which tells me nothing!
So, I called Mema and asked her to drive me to the mechanics at 7 a.m. tomorrow morning to get my car back. I'm more than a little irritated.
Now, a good chunk of irritation began because of one of my "job offers" calling back and demanding an answer today. I interviewed with them yesterday and they immediately told me they would love for me to work with them. It was PRN but they were considering hiring me part time, if I would be willing to cross-train and work postpartum. Well, the recruiter called today, with my offer, and after hearing it I let her know that the job is concerning to me. I am afraid of losing my critical care nursing skills if they keep sending me over to postpartum. I told her that I would consider working full time for that hospital if they would let me train in labor and delivery, but she told me they have no openings. She then asked if I had interviewed for labor and delivery and which location. To which, I stupidly replied that I had interviewed at another hospital system for L&D. I have until Thursday to think about it and get back to her. I would be more than willing to work PRN in the NICU, but why are all of these hospitals trying to get me to train on postpartum??? It's really irritating. Once I show on my resume that I had a year of NICU, then went to PP, nobody will want me back in the NICU and they won't want me anywhere besides maybe med/surg because that's essentially what Mom/Baby (aka postpartum) is!
All I want to do is eat chinese food and the chinese restaurant I found that delivers in this ridiculous town has 2 phone numbers and neither one of them work. They don't even ring through to anything.
My gums over my wisdom teeth have been swollen for a couple weeks. I'm essentially a teething adult. I can feel my teeth being more exposed now than they were a couple weeks ago. Thing is, I can't eat because my gums/teeth hurt so bad because they are pointed sideways and smooshing my other teeth closer and closer together as they come to the surface. If only the pain would keep me from eating, then maybe I could lose some of the 15 pounds I've gained since moving here.
I give up. I'm gonna go take a nap. I've slept away an entire year because I sleep when stressed/tired/bored/lonely. I'm 23 and don't even know how I got here because I have slept away this last year and the year before I was sleeping when not at work/at school.
The struggles are real today. I need some serious prayer, even more serious Divine Interventions, and some sort of stress relief would be great too. Maybe I'll go cry, that's good stress relief.
I woke up at 7 a.m. because I had an appointment to take my car in to the shop because I had taken on some water in my transmission due to some flooding a few weeks ago. I show up and they tell me they might not get to see my car until after noon. Then what's the point of an appointment?!?
I dropped it off because I need it fixed, they shuttled me home. Then called because they had failed to let me know it would cost $52 just to "look" at the car due to the fact that it's making a weird sound. Well, you just dropped me off with no transportation, so I guess it's okay to do that.
Fast-forward to them texting me at their closing time: They texted that they have an estimate on my car and to call them back. I called back and they apologized, because they had sent that text prematurely. I can feel my blood pressure rising. I called my dad to ask if it's worth it to let them keep my car to work on it and in the process of talking with dad, I went ahead and decided to call the mechanics back and tell them to just let me have my car back. So I call back and ask if they have already seen it, due to the conflicting messages I have received thus far. I got a few mixed messages with roundabout explanations, all of which tells me nothing!
So, I called Mema and asked her to drive me to the mechanics at 7 a.m. tomorrow morning to get my car back. I'm more than a little irritated.
Now, a good chunk of irritation began because of one of my "job offers" calling back and demanding an answer today. I interviewed with them yesterday and they immediately told me they would love for me to work with them. It was PRN but they were considering hiring me part time, if I would be willing to cross-train and work postpartum. Well, the recruiter called today, with my offer, and after hearing it I let her know that the job is concerning to me. I am afraid of losing my critical care nursing skills if they keep sending me over to postpartum. I told her that I would consider working full time for that hospital if they would let me train in labor and delivery, but she told me they have no openings. She then asked if I had interviewed for labor and delivery and which location. To which, I stupidly replied that I had interviewed at another hospital system for L&D. I have until Thursday to think about it and get back to her. I would be more than willing to work PRN in the NICU, but why are all of these hospitals trying to get me to train on postpartum??? It's really irritating. Once I show on my resume that I had a year of NICU, then went to PP, nobody will want me back in the NICU and they won't want me anywhere besides maybe med/surg because that's essentially what Mom/Baby (aka postpartum) is!
All I want to do is eat chinese food and the chinese restaurant I found that delivers in this ridiculous town has 2 phone numbers and neither one of them work. They don't even ring through to anything.
My gums over my wisdom teeth have been swollen for a couple weeks. I'm essentially a teething adult. I can feel my teeth being more exposed now than they were a couple weeks ago. Thing is, I can't eat because my gums/teeth hurt so bad because they are pointed sideways and smooshing my other teeth closer and closer together as they come to the surface. If only the pain would keep me from eating, then maybe I could lose some of the 15 pounds I've gained since moving here.
I give up. I'm gonna go take a nap. I've slept away an entire year because I sleep when stressed/tired/bored/lonely. I'm 23 and don't even know how I got here because I have slept away this last year and the year before I was sleeping when not at work/at school.
The struggles are real today. I need some serious prayer, even more serious Divine Interventions, and some sort of stress relief would be great too. Maybe I'll go cry, that's good stress relief.
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