This last week I had a meeting with my NICU manager. They call it a 90 day check-in... It's not meant to critique me, instead, it's a way for HR to say that they are trying to retain staff.
Boy, I am betting my manager was wishing I never came in. I let her know how unhappy I am, how difficult it is to come in to work and be given shit assignments. Every. Night. And how frustrated I am that others are being oriented to vents before me and they were hired after me. I don't know why I bother going over these things with her. I should just tell her everything's fine and I quit. But, the only thing I hold onto in my life is working on standing up for myself and documenting the troubles I encounter. It helped me through the crappy relationships, through school, through the troubles I experienced in Small Town. Documentation is all I have. So, I chose to let her have it. Tell her most of my grievances and explain why she will continue to lose mass amounts of staff over and over.
Yesterday morning I got yelled at by "Stinky-Poo Doctor". That's what I'll call him. I got the name from my counselor who has heard ALL about him. He yelled at me because I had to wait for an epidural. By the time the pt was ready for the epidural and I call anesthesia, another nurse on the floor called and asked if she could steal the anesthesiologist because her mama was an 8 (cm) while mine was 1 cm. I agreed, not knowing Stinky-Poo Doc was waiting out at the nurse's station for her. So he called from the nurse's station and yelled at me! Before letting me talk, he slammed the phone down. and immediately called back to tell me not to page him. "Okay" came out a little too happy (I'm so over his shit.) So he slammed the phone back down and I didn't see him the rest of the day.
I get that he's busy. I understand that he has meetings and stuff to do as a doctor, but he never made a plan with me to come in and check her in 30 minutes or a plan to put in an IUPC at a certain time. So why is he calling me, yelling at me for not having him come in to see her and do all these dumb things if he never told me he was going to? And he saw anesthesia come by and then go into the other room. I get that he didn't know the story, but I'm not going to try to fight with him on these things. He's going to think I'm making excuses and he wouldn't care anyway. That's just how he is.
Regardless, I am so sick of having to work with him. I would have quit right on the spot if I could. But it wouldn't do anything. He wouldn't get reprimanded. He wouldn't be chastised or change in any way. People have let him go along and bully everyone for so long that he knows he can just get away with it. I wish I could report him somehow, but there's nothing I can do. His aggression and moodiness makes work unbearable. I don't want to take his patients, I don't want to work when he is the in-house OB, I don't want to ever see him again IN MY LIFE. My fear is that other doctors will be like this if I were to move somewhere else.
I just don't understand why they are allowed to be such assholes and so persnickety and so ridiculous. We bend over backwards to make sure the doctors at this hospital have their exact gloves and choice of "checking fluid" (I hate using the word lube) and everything just right for them. I floated to our sister hospital in town and those doctors get their own gloves out of the delivery cart! They ask you when it would be a good time for them to break their waters so that it doesn't make too much work at the end of your shift. They believe us when we believe something is wrong or when we need help. They discuss things with you and don't start yelling at the nurses for stupid shit. I don't understand how our doctors have been able to get away with so much for so long that they think us nurses are their slaves. I really don't get it.
Then, a few hours after work, when I was in the middle of my ACLS course, I got a text from the day shift charge that I didn't chart on 30 minutes of fetal monitoring strip for the induction that came in 30 minutes late, while I was doing an epidural on my other lady (after the yelling). Between being overwhelmed with a 0530 induction that was late, and a pt who waited until 0530 to want her epidural, and stinking grumpy doctors, and and and. Plus I needed to get out of report and get to the other side of town for this stupid certification class. UGH!!! So, I missed a section of strip. 1 little bit of charting that I needed to do and I forgot. Of course it's on the day when the most nitpicky charge nurse is on who gets in everyone's face if you don't do things the way she does things.
So over it.
On days when I get overwhelmed, I have this scary daydream about having a central line and just letting it drain. Let it be placed, don't hook it up to any fluids or cap it off, and just let me drain slowly until I go to sleep and then eventually just go away. Part of me wants to know if the people who rag on me constantly would even care, but most of me wouldn't want to put my family through that. Honestly, I don't think the doctor would care if he knew that I quit or died because of how ridiculous he is. The charge nurse wouldn't care. But my family would be heartbroken. I'm not going to do it. I won't hurt myself. I think I just get so overwhelmed and see no way out of the stress, that it seems like it would be nice to not be here and going through it anymore.
I hope y'alls week is going much better. I'm gonna go try to sleep again.
-BA
Showing posts with label exhausted. Show all posts
Showing posts with label exhausted. Show all posts
Thursday, January 11, 2018
Thursday, August 24, 2017
Utterly Exhausted
For those of you that don't know, I am currently in the process of orienting to 2 hospitals. 1 hospital, I interviewed for L&D but got told that I would need to work Mom/Baby for awhile. The other hospital was scheduled for an interview the day I got the Mom/Baby offer, and that was for the NICU. Me, being my greedy self of not being able to see myself stay in Mom/Baby with no NICU baby interaction, I decided to propose working part-time at both places to the managers. Well... they accepted that bargain.
The manager for Mom/Baby told me I would work in that department for a year before being able to switch over, I told her that was absolutely too long. She countered with saying it might just be a few months (like 3-6ish months). This didn't sound great, but it sounded do-able with me also keeping my NICU critical care skills up to par.
Well, Tomorrow is finally my last day of charting class, a.k.a. my last orientation piece before going to total floor orientation. I can do floor orientation all the day long! It's the classroom nonsense that'll kill ya... slowly...
Well, I went to talk with my Mom/Baby manager about some scheduling troubles, and she offered me a L&D position, starting at the end of the month!!! OH. MY. GOSH!!! Thing is, it'll be full time instead of part time. My insurance is through the other hospital, and I can't leave the NICU, I just can't. So, am I crazy for thinking I can do 5 days a week between 2 critical care areas? Plus, the on-call shifts taking me up to 6-7 days each week!
I'm sustaining this crazy 6 days a week schedule right now, but I'm working days. I already know that working nights is a much bigger challenge when working so many "days" (shifts) in a row. That messed up circadian rhythm will actually slowly start to kill you.
I just don't know if I can do it. But I sure want to try it for awhile. Worst case scenario is that I go to PRN for NICU and keep full-time with L&D. Plus, I don't have on-call days for L&D until I complete the 3+ months of training required to begin in L&D. So, that helps for a few months to get my feet under me and my schedule ironed out a little bit.
I guess we'll see how it goes when I talk to the Mom/Baby slash L&D manager on Tuesday. She seems pretty excited to get me over to training in the field I actually wanted to be in an originally interviewed for. She actually took a similar road to me and started in Peds/PICU and transferred to L&D, but she worked both jobs at the same time for about a year or so! I think she liked that I was trying to do that and she understands the whole process and desire to do that "double specialty" type of nursing. It's like double majoring in college, except everybody thinks you're insane and you get even less sleep.
Problem is, I've been trying to find a house to rent so I can bring my dog with me. I would also need a roommate (or 2), so that my dog would have a friend while I'm working. She is currently staying with a friend of my mom's, who has another dog. This lady takes my dog for walks with her dog every day. She has a roommate that is home most of the time, except for maybe 3 hours a week (it seems like anyway, he doesn't work I don't think...). So, my dog has friends and another dog to hang out with all the time! Sometimes she even gets to go on a "field trip" to the lady's son's office because he owns his own business and hardly has customers to the office, he mostly goes out to remote locations for quotes and stuff.
So she has a really good set-up, compared to living with a night-shift nurse, who's exceedingly lazy on her days off and doesn't even get to play with her dog because she's too tired. I really feel like the worst puppy mom in the world! But I also feel terrible for leaving her at another person's house because I don't want her to feel abandoned. She gets so excited when we come to visit her! And then she goes into a depression when we leave again!!! It's too much for me to handle.
Times like these, I start to get upset that my parents aren't living together and able to house her and my brother. I get it, they were having lots of problems and it's not economical to afford a house with a backyard, just for the dog. But still, she's my dog. I picked her out, I have cared for her. She's been my best buddy since I was about 10 and I'm now 23 1/2.
I guess I'll talk it over with the lady keeping her, and I'll try to work it out with all of my managers to see what will happen. Mostly, it's a wait-and-see type of situation. The lady keeping my dog says she loves having my dog with her dog and it's not much different than her normal routine to have an extra puppy around. Plus, she appreciates the extra money every month. My current living situation is wonderful and is great while I am working so many crazy hours, and I don't have to do much since I have a roommate that does most everything around his house.
My heart says YES!!! My brain says I could probably make it work, but I'll be beyond exhausted, but I need the experience and my resume will be beyond great! My body says are you insane? I'm barely running as it is, AND WE'RE ON DAYS!!! So, mostly, I'm leaning towards the hard YES!!!!!!!!!!! But I'll talk with my manager Tuesday and discuss it a bit more.
Time to go pray! This will be quite the interesting adventure, should I choose to embark.
The manager for Mom/Baby told me I would work in that department for a year before being able to switch over, I told her that was absolutely too long. She countered with saying it might just be a few months (like 3-6ish months). This didn't sound great, but it sounded do-able with me also keeping my NICU critical care skills up to par.
Well, Tomorrow is finally my last day of charting class, a.k.a. my last orientation piece before going to total floor orientation. I can do floor orientation all the day long! It's the classroom nonsense that'll kill ya... slowly...
Well, I went to talk with my Mom/Baby manager about some scheduling troubles, and she offered me a L&D position, starting at the end of the month!!! OH. MY. GOSH!!! Thing is, it'll be full time instead of part time. My insurance is through the other hospital, and I can't leave the NICU, I just can't. So, am I crazy for thinking I can do 5 days a week between 2 critical care areas? Plus, the on-call shifts taking me up to 6-7 days each week!
I'm sustaining this crazy 6 days a week schedule right now, but I'm working days. I already know that working nights is a much bigger challenge when working so many "days" (shifts) in a row. That messed up circadian rhythm will actually slowly start to kill you.
I just don't know if I can do it. But I sure want to try it for awhile. Worst case scenario is that I go to PRN for NICU and keep full-time with L&D. Plus, I don't have on-call days for L&D until I complete the 3+ months of training required to begin in L&D. So, that helps for a few months to get my feet under me and my schedule ironed out a little bit.
I guess we'll see how it goes when I talk to the Mom/Baby slash L&D manager on Tuesday. She seems pretty excited to get me over to training in the field I actually wanted to be in an originally interviewed for. She actually took a similar road to me and started in Peds/PICU and transferred to L&D, but she worked both jobs at the same time for about a year or so! I think she liked that I was trying to do that and she understands the whole process and desire to do that "double specialty" type of nursing. It's like double majoring in college, except everybody thinks you're insane and you get even less sleep.
Problem is, I've been trying to find a house to rent so I can bring my dog with me. I would also need a roommate (or 2), so that my dog would have a friend while I'm working. She is currently staying with a friend of my mom's, who has another dog. This lady takes my dog for walks with her dog every day. She has a roommate that is home most of the time, except for maybe 3 hours a week (it seems like anyway, he doesn't work I don't think...). So, my dog has friends and another dog to hang out with all the time! Sometimes she even gets to go on a "field trip" to the lady's son's office because he owns his own business and hardly has customers to the office, he mostly goes out to remote locations for quotes and stuff.
So she has a really good set-up, compared to living with a night-shift nurse, who's exceedingly lazy on her days off and doesn't even get to play with her dog because she's too tired. I really feel like the worst puppy mom in the world! But I also feel terrible for leaving her at another person's house because I don't want her to feel abandoned. She gets so excited when we come to visit her! And then she goes into a depression when we leave again!!! It's too much for me to handle.
Times like these, I start to get upset that my parents aren't living together and able to house her and my brother. I get it, they were having lots of problems and it's not economical to afford a house with a backyard, just for the dog. But still, she's my dog. I picked her out, I have cared for her. She's been my best buddy since I was about 10 and I'm now 23 1/2.
I guess I'll talk it over with the lady keeping her, and I'll try to work it out with all of my managers to see what will happen. Mostly, it's a wait-and-see type of situation. The lady keeping my dog says she loves having my dog with her dog and it's not much different than her normal routine to have an extra puppy around. Plus, she appreciates the extra money every month. My current living situation is wonderful and is great while I am working so many crazy hours, and I don't have to do much since I have a roommate that does most everything around his house.
My heart says YES!!! My brain says I could probably make it work, but I'll be beyond exhausted, but I need the experience and my resume will be beyond great! My body says are you insane? I'm barely running as it is, AND WE'RE ON DAYS!!! So, mostly, I'm leaning towards the hard YES!!!!!!!!!!! But I'll talk with my manager Tuesday and discuss it a bit more.
Time to go pray! This will be quite the interesting adventure, should I choose to embark.
Sunday, August 13, 2017
Trigger Happy
Today was a rough day. Work was not bad, I had a nice preceptor. I learned a lot, and orientation is going well, considering it was only my 3rd day. However, I swear that every trigger I have was hit today.
Dealt with domestic violence reports all morning. Talked about the local domestic violence safe house/counseling program that I was able to go to for counseling. That discussion took me by surprise. I didn't tell anyone that's where I went, but first thing we did in the morning was order a consult so that one of our mom's could be referred to that program. Knife to the heart.
Dirty jokes at the nurse's station almost had me in tears. Deep breaths as I suffocate in the wide open.
We had a baby born from a sexual assault. Another jab.
My friend's nephew died by suicide today because he couldn't handle life after his dad had passed away a few months ago. Flashback to Country Boy, and my heart nearly stopped.
First thing that came on t.v. was a show about a girl who was being abused by her boyfriend, and it almost sounded just like my story with ex-fiance. What are you doing to me L-rd???
I change the channel to find something a little less triggering and one of ex-boyfriend's favorite movies comes on. Just let it be done, let me escape this life.
From the people, to the smells, to the sounds and songs, to the jokes, and everything else that happened today; I was bombarded with triggers. I excused myself during some of the conversations to go get my aromatherapy, but it wasn't the one that is strong enough to get me out of my flashbacks. I don't know if I will be able to work postpartum if this is going to keep up.
A couple days ago I had a drink with a friend and learned that ex-fiance (who told me he was moving to another state "because I called the cops")is actually still here. I haven't even started the other job where ex-boyfriend has family working, who know me and probably despise me now. That probably won't be a good situation if they are still working there.
I don't know what I was thinking!!! How am I supposed to be able to survive living here, with all of my past a part of my every day journey to the bottom of a deep chasm that I had climbed out of when I moved to Small Town last year.
Survival was barely feasible there, 8 hours away from this place. What on earth would make me believe I could survive by facing my dark past at every turn of every day?
Dealt with domestic violence reports all morning. Talked about the local domestic violence safe house/counseling program that I was able to go to for counseling. That discussion took me by surprise. I didn't tell anyone that's where I went, but first thing we did in the morning was order a consult so that one of our mom's could be referred to that program. Knife to the heart.
Dirty jokes at the nurse's station almost had me in tears. Deep breaths as I suffocate in the wide open.
We had a baby born from a sexual assault. Another jab.
My friend's nephew died by suicide today because he couldn't handle life after his dad had passed away a few months ago. Flashback to Country Boy, and my heart nearly stopped.
First thing that came on t.v. was a show about a girl who was being abused by her boyfriend, and it almost sounded just like my story with ex-fiance. What are you doing to me L-rd???
I change the channel to find something a little less triggering and one of ex-boyfriend's favorite movies comes on. Just let it be done, let me escape this life.
From the people, to the smells, to the sounds and songs, to the jokes, and everything else that happened today; I was bombarded with triggers. I excused myself during some of the conversations to go get my aromatherapy, but it wasn't the one that is strong enough to get me out of my flashbacks. I don't know if I will be able to work postpartum if this is going to keep up.
A couple days ago I had a drink with a friend and learned that ex-fiance (who told me he was moving to another state "because I called the cops")is actually still here. I haven't even started the other job where ex-boyfriend has family working, who know me and probably despise me now. That probably won't be a good situation if they are still working there.
I don't know what I was thinking!!! How am I supposed to be able to survive living here, with all of my past a part of my every day journey to the bottom of a deep chasm that I had climbed out of when I moved to Small Town last year.
Survival was barely feasible there, 8 hours away from this place. What on earth would make me believe I could survive by facing my dark past at every turn of every day?
Saturday, May 6, 2017
Imposter Syndrome
For as long as I can remember, I have felt out of place. I'm out of place working in the NICU, in school, in Small Town, in Home Town, among "friends", with my own family (especially extended family). I know I'm not the only one, but it's highly unsettling to feel like you don't belong anywhere.
Well, it hit me like a freight train last night at a small family gathering I attended to celebrate a few family birthdays. I show up and I know most everybody there, but a couple of my very own cousins are people I've never met before. THEY'RE MY OWN AGE!!! How have I not met them before??? Doesn't matter, I don't belong here anyway. The family that is so tight-knit here all lived in this town for a couple decades now. I've only been here for about 10 months. Of course I'm not going to be used to this side of the family because they never came up to Home State for anything, so we only saw them on the rare occasion that my little nuclear family made it down to Small Town. This, was not a frequent even because my dad despises it down here and doesn't like this side of the family (his side, btw). Sigh.
I mentioned that my Mema's sister is the DON for my floor of the hospital right? She's the one who let me come and shadow in L&D and NICU throughout college and then offered me a NICU position. Well, seeing as she's my boss, I have decided to not really mention that I am looking for employment else where. Who in their right mind would? Unfortunately, I may have mentioned to Mema that I was applying to a local nursing program in order to work as a clinical instructor or professor aide. I'm a fucking idiot for doing such a foolish thing. Last night at the dinner, which just so happened to be at Mema's Sister's house, Mema decided it would be a good conversation to bring up that I was applying for this university position. WHY ON EARTH WOULD THIS SEEM LIKE A GOOD CONVERSATION TO HAVE AT A FAMILY GET-TOGETHER??? AND WITH MY BOSS???!!!??? I get that they are sisters and there was a lul in the conversation, but that's not Mema's information to be sharing and that is not an appropriate time!
Mema keeps calling my mom "to visit" and check in on her. Fine, that's expected. However, she also keeps making things up about me and my life in order to be discussing it with my mom during said "visits". I recently shared slight concern over lack of days that I get to work, so she called my mom almost immediately and told my mom that "I am very worried about work, worried sick!". My mom, being my best buddy and knowing that we don't believe everything we hear, texted me with said information. I then got to reassure my mom that I am not super concerned, more peeved than anything, and I reiterated that she (Mom) and I had already discussed my lack of hours and next career choices in depth. She, of course, already knew all of these things because I call my Mom pretty much every day. But why does that seem like news that would be Mema's place to share? It's not! This is why I don't tell her secrets or anything that is of any worth, she spreads it to everyone, degrades me and complains about me to the whole family, then gets upset when I don't live at her house, spend every free moment with her, and want to move away from her town. I can feel my blood pressure rising just recounting the various other times this type of situation has come up with her.
She told my mom that I was considering moving to a Huge Southern City to go to midwifery school, then proceeded to bash said city to mom. Not her place to share such info, especially when I was telling her things like "I might go back to school, such and such place has a pretty good program, it wouldn't be for another few years... etc... etc... etc..." What happened? Mema called mom and told her I was planning to move ASAP and was unhappy here in Small Town and went on to say she (Mema) regretted ever talking me into coming down here."
I told you about her meeting with exfiance where she sent my mom a text disowning me and telling my mom that I was pretty much a failure, right? She also sent me a hatemail letter informing my family she would never go camping again (because that's where I introduced her to exfiance, stupid choice on my behalf I know). She then got upset with me for not wanting to live with her (she told my mom in the text that I was uninvited from staying at her house anyway) and she got PISSED when nobody wanted to go camping with her this summer, myself included. Duh! You told my family that you wouldn't ever go camping with us again because I'm such a fucking failure at life!!! I get that exfiance was evil to the core and terrible to everyone. However, do you not remember that you married not one, but 2 of them??? Why would you not help me out of a bad situation by being there for me instead of disowning me and spreading rumors behind my back to my entire family (extended and immediate) so that I now have nobody but my parents and my brother? (my dad doesn't even know what happened still).
Some days I wish I was born into a family who was closer to the cousins, grandparents, and entire family. Those days are few and fleeting. After most family gatherings/functions, I recall the simpleness that comes from having the closest family members 2-8 hours away and I count it a blessing to not have an Everybody Loves Raymond situation going on. Small Town got me close to being Raymond, but I keep my doors locked and my house appears to have nobody living in it, even when I'm home for weeks on end because I can't even go to work...
I don't belong here. "Be in the world, not of the world" Can there be a friends clause or some type of support group for those of us stuck in the world but with no connections or need to stay here? Maybe a vacation visa to leave the world for awhile? Something???!!!???
Well, it hit me like a freight train last night at a small family gathering I attended to celebrate a few family birthdays. I show up and I know most everybody there, but a couple of my very own cousins are people I've never met before. THEY'RE MY OWN AGE!!! How have I not met them before??? Doesn't matter, I don't belong here anyway. The family that is so tight-knit here all lived in this town for a couple decades now. I've only been here for about 10 months. Of course I'm not going to be used to this side of the family because they never came up to Home State for anything, so we only saw them on the rare occasion that my little nuclear family made it down to Small Town. This, was not a frequent even because my dad despises it down here and doesn't like this side of the family (his side, btw). Sigh.
I mentioned that my Mema's sister is the DON for my floor of the hospital right? She's the one who let me come and shadow in L&D and NICU throughout college and then offered me a NICU position. Well, seeing as she's my boss, I have decided to not really mention that I am looking for employment else where. Who in their right mind would? Unfortunately, I may have mentioned to Mema that I was applying to a local nursing program in order to work as a clinical instructor or professor aide. I'm a fucking idiot for doing such a foolish thing. Last night at the dinner, which just so happened to be at Mema's Sister's house, Mema decided it would be a good conversation to bring up that I was applying for this university position. WHY ON EARTH WOULD THIS SEEM LIKE A GOOD CONVERSATION TO HAVE AT A FAMILY GET-TOGETHER??? AND WITH MY BOSS???!!!??? I get that they are sisters and there was a lul in the conversation, but that's not Mema's information to be sharing and that is not an appropriate time!
Mema keeps calling my mom "to visit" and check in on her. Fine, that's expected. However, she also keeps making things up about me and my life in order to be discussing it with my mom during said "visits". I recently shared slight concern over lack of days that I get to work, so she called my mom almost immediately and told my mom that "I am very worried about work, worried sick!". My mom, being my best buddy and knowing that we don't believe everything we hear, texted me with said information. I then got to reassure my mom that I am not super concerned, more peeved than anything, and I reiterated that she (Mom) and I had already discussed my lack of hours and next career choices in depth. She, of course, already knew all of these things because I call my Mom pretty much every day. But why does that seem like news that would be Mema's place to share? It's not! This is why I don't tell her secrets or anything that is of any worth, she spreads it to everyone, degrades me and complains about me to the whole family, then gets upset when I don't live at her house, spend every free moment with her, and want to move away from her town. I can feel my blood pressure rising just recounting the various other times this type of situation has come up with her.
She told my mom that I was considering moving to a Huge Southern City to go to midwifery school, then proceeded to bash said city to mom. Not her place to share such info, especially when I was telling her things like "I might go back to school, such and such place has a pretty good program, it wouldn't be for another few years... etc... etc... etc..." What happened? Mema called mom and told her I was planning to move ASAP and was unhappy here in Small Town and went on to say she (Mema) regretted ever talking me into coming down here."
I told you about her meeting with exfiance where she sent my mom a text disowning me and telling my mom that I was pretty much a failure, right? She also sent me a hatemail letter informing my family she would never go camping again (because that's where I introduced her to exfiance, stupid choice on my behalf I know). She then got upset with me for not wanting to live with her (she told my mom in the text that I was uninvited from staying at her house anyway) and she got PISSED when nobody wanted to go camping with her this summer, myself included. Duh! You told my family that you wouldn't ever go camping with us again because I'm such a fucking failure at life!!! I get that exfiance was evil to the core and terrible to everyone. However, do you not remember that you married not one, but 2 of them??? Why would you not help me out of a bad situation by being there for me instead of disowning me and spreading rumors behind my back to my entire family (extended and immediate) so that I now have nobody but my parents and my brother? (my dad doesn't even know what happened still).
Some days I wish I was born into a family who was closer to the cousins, grandparents, and entire family. Those days are few and fleeting. After most family gatherings/functions, I recall the simpleness that comes from having the closest family members 2-8 hours away and I count it a blessing to not have an Everybody Loves Raymond situation going on. Small Town got me close to being Raymond, but I keep my doors locked and my house appears to have nobody living in it, even when I'm home for weeks on end because I can't even go to work...
I don't belong here. "Be in the world, not of the world" Can there be a friends clause or some type of support group for those of us stuck in the world but with no connections or need to stay here? Maybe a vacation visa to leave the world for awhile? Something???!!!???
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Daily Challenge
I crashed out last night after coming home from clinicals. I was exhausted!
So, I was unable to talk about yesterday's bunch of stuff and tell you my funny story.
Counseling was good. I talked about Jersey and my "difficult" professor. They took up about 10-15 minutes of the session, but I guess it was worth it because I realized some things by discussing it with someone who isn't a friend with Jersey and isn't in class with the professor. Yay! New perspectives!
Counselor says I'm doing well. We're going to start working on rationalizations. She told me that I'm doing really well and working really hard. She likes my college bucket list, Roomie's Thanksgiving List challenge, how I am doing with "friend" struggles, my dealings with the professor, and she told me it's okay to be flip-flopping all the time.
Apparently I go from having rational thoughts to survival mode frequently, and that is because my brain is confused with the PTSD. Survival mode is in the back, in the occipital lobe (from what I remember from anatomy and phys) while logical thought (where I used to live most of the time because I like it) is in the frontal lobe. So, my brain is trying to be normal, but then it decides it doesn't like how I used to be because it's too hard, so then it switches back to survival mode in the back. Meanwhile, I am left with my head spinning, whiplash, and major confusion and frustration at my lack of ability to be who I remember I used to be. C'est la vie, for the time being.
Normally, after counseling, I go to sit at Country Boy's grave. It was so cold yesterday that I stood there for 5 minutes, in my clinical whites because I have clinicals after, and started shivering so I left way early. I told Counselor that I felt it was weird and morbid. She told me it was actually really good because cemeteries are quiet, outside, peaceful, and there are plenty of ways to ground myself with nature, should I feel like I need to. Plus, I get vitamin D with being in the sun. Maybe next week it'll be warm enough to actually be able to sit with him again.
I ended up showing up to the hospital over an hour early. This was a great accident, because one of the other girls from my group was already there. We have a test tomorrow and so we were able to start studying and I learned a lot!!! Maybe I will do okay on this test. I hope so anyway. I just need to be able to stay in my frontal lobe and stop switching back to the occipital lobe for a couple more days so that I can study solidly and remember the information for this class that I need to know for the test and my future career.
Clinicals went well. When we first go there, I asked if I could go change into greens, just so I would be ready if I ended up being able to go to a c-section or something. My instructor said that was okay, so I went with the other girls who were on L&D with me and we went to change. You should know, that I am tall, and I have wide hips. Wide hips are from genetics, and also from a little "extra padding," a.k.a. fat. Plus, I'm 5'8" and mostly legs, with a short (proportionally speaking) torso. When we went in to go get scrubs, the only sizes that were left were extra-small tops and small bottoms along with the 2x and 3x tops and bottoms. Good grief. I spent 10 minutes looking through every pair of bottoms to find a pair that was medium or large. No such findings came about. So, I tried on the 2x and my friends told me no. I tried on the small pants and they were bursting at the seems around my ass and thighs. They also came up about halfway up my calves, WHEN STANDING!
I walked into the pre-conference room with my whole clinical group and I fake-whined to my instructor: "Instructor, I need new pants!!!" They all burst into uncontrollable laughter. Granted, it was hilarious, but regardless of how thick my skin is, some things still hurt. So, when they calmed down a little and my instructor gave me her badge so I could go get scrubs that fit, they burst into laughter as I was walking out. That stung a little bit because I'm self-concious about my butt and thighs. I fit into an x-small top, but my butt needs a medium and my long legs need a large. To have people crack up as I walk out and they can see my butt makes my high anxiety and ability to be easily embarrassed get sent into over-drive. I play a good sport, but that doesn't mean that someone laughing along doesn't get hurt in the end.
So, just the thing I needed on an already difficult day... people laughing. It was funny, I'll give you that. It just made me over-think it for the rest of the day and even still, a day later. Just breathe.
10 Thanksgivings (from yesterday):
So, I was unable to talk about yesterday's bunch of stuff and tell you my funny story.
Counseling was good. I talked about Jersey and my "difficult" professor. They took up about 10-15 minutes of the session, but I guess it was worth it because I realized some things by discussing it with someone who isn't a friend with Jersey and isn't in class with the professor. Yay! New perspectives!
Counselor says I'm doing well. We're going to start working on rationalizations. She told me that I'm doing really well and working really hard. She likes my college bucket list, Roomie's Thanksgiving List challenge, how I am doing with "friend" struggles, my dealings with the professor, and she told me it's okay to be flip-flopping all the time.
Apparently I go from having rational thoughts to survival mode frequently, and that is because my brain is confused with the PTSD. Survival mode is in the back, in the occipital lobe (from what I remember from anatomy and phys) while logical thought (where I used to live most of the time because I like it) is in the frontal lobe. So, my brain is trying to be normal, but then it decides it doesn't like how I used to be because it's too hard, so then it switches back to survival mode in the back. Meanwhile, I am left with my head spinning, whiplash, and major confusion and frustration at my lack of ability to be who I remember I used to be. C'est la vie, for the time being.
Normally, after counseling, I go to sit at Country Boy's grave. It was so cold yesterday that I stood there for 5 minutes, in my clinical whites because I have clinicals after, and started shivering so I left way early. I told Counselor that I felt it was weird and morbid. She told me it was actually really good because cemeteries are quiet, outside, peaceful, and there are plenty of ways to ground myself with nature, should I feel like I need to. Plus, I get vitamin D with being in the sun. Maybe next week it'll be warm enough to actually be able to sit with him again.
I ended up showing up to the hospital over an hour early. This was a great accident, because one of the other girls from my group was already there. We have a test tomorrow and so we were able to start studying and I learned a lot!!! Maybe I will do okay on this test. I hope so anyway. I just need to be able to stay in my frontal lobe and stop switching back to the occipital lobe for a couple more days so that I can study solidly and remember the information for this class that I need to know for the test and my future career.
Clinicals went well. When we first go there, I asked if I could go change into greens, just so I would be ready if I ended up being able to go to a c-section or something. My instructor said that was okay, so I went with the other girls who were on L&D with me and we went to change. You should know, that I am tall, and I have wide hips. Wide hips are from genetics, and also from a little "extra padding," a.k.a. fat. Plus, I'm 5'8" and mostly legs, with a short (proportionally speaking) torso. When we went in to go get scrubs, the only sizes that were left were extra-small tops and small bottoms along with the 2x and 3x tops and bottoms. Good grief. I spent 10 minutes looking through every pair of bottoms to find a pair that was medium or large. No such findings came about. So, I tried on the 2x and my friends told me no. I tried on the small pants and they were bursting at the seems around my ass and thighs. They also came up about halfway up my calves, WHEN STANDING!
I walked into the pre-conference room with my whole clinical group and I fake-whined to my instructor: "Instructor, I need new pants!!!" They all burst into uncontrollable laughter. Granted, it was hilarious, but regardless of how thick my skin is, some things still hurt. So, when they calmed down a little and my instructor gave me her badge so I could go get scrubs that fit, they burst into laughter as I was walking out. That stung a little bit because I'm self-concious about my butt and thighs. I fit into an x-small top, but my butt needs a medium and my long legs need a large. To have people crack up as I walk out and they can see my butt makes my high anxiety and ability to be easily embarrassed get sent into over-drive. I play a good sport, but that doesn't mean that someone laughing along doesn't get hurt in the end.
So, just the thing I needed on an already difficult day... people laughing. It was funny, I'll give you that. It just made me over-think it for the rest of the day and even still, a day later. Just breathe.
10 Thanksgivings (from yesterday):
- First test of the week is done and I was able to take it with really smart people (it was a group test).
- I had great night shift nurses and got to see an ultrasound/fetal echo.
- Counseling went well.
- I was able to go to Country Boy's grave site, even if just for a few minutes.
- I'm finding friends in unlikely situations and places.
- I started studying and did really well in our version of jeopardy (for the studying).
- Roomie is helping me on my road to recovery and we are setting goals before they are even assigned for counseling homework!
- Fake friends are dropping off while solid friends are coming to the surface because the fake friends are wearing them out too.
- My clinical instructor is absolutely wonderful.
- I am nearly done with one set of clinicals for the semester and my very last set of clinicals starts in about a week or two.
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Sleep Disturbances
Let's start off by discussing how precious sleep it so me. First of all, I sleep an absolutely ridiculous amount. This is because of depression, I work nights, and it is my drug of choice when life is getting too hard and I need to escape. Lately, life is very difficult, I worked last night, and depression is probably at an all time high and the longest duration I think I've ever had it in my life. Therefore, I require a lot of sleep.
Oh, an I'm in nursing school. If you are not in nursing school but plan to be, just know that some of your vacations will be spent sleeping because you get NONE during school, especially if you work and go to school and ever want to see any other human being while you are in the program. Get used to living with coffee running as the fluids in your vasculature, blood is now overrated.
Did I mention I worked last night? Before work, I typically sleep from noon until about 5:30 so that I can get sleep before work so I will not be dozing off during my shift. Seeing as I sit in a dark room with a patient I am trying to get to sleep, but I need to not sleep, this nap is crutial to me keeping my job! Yesterday I got to sleep around 2, slept for about an hour before getting woken up. Oh the rage. Words do injustice to the anger coursing through my body after being woken up. I get grumpy anyway when I'm woken up. HOwever, when I am woken up after it was incredibly difficult to fall asleep, and it took another 45 minutes to get me back to sleep in the middle of the day, I was furious. I was woken up so that the dog could come and jump on my bed because roommate does not like her being alone when she leaves. The dog is fine alone, we leave her completely alone for hours and hours during the day when we have stuff to do, she will be fine for a couple of hours while I sleep so that I can work.
Today I had to go run errands before coming home after my shift. I waited at both of the stores I needed to go to because I got to both of them before opening time because I got off at a terrible hour in the morning and nobody should be up that early. I tried for the rest of the day to lay down and take a nap after that, but I just couldn't do it. I finally got to sleep around 4 then the damned dog came in 30 minutes later whining to go out. Exasperation consumed every atom that makes up my being and I woke up to take the dog out. After 15 minutes of her sniffing around, she still hadn't gone to the bathroom at all! Oh my goodness! I was so beyond pissed. I brought her back in and told her to go to her kennel. So pissed!!! It took another 30 minutes to go back to bed (keep in mind I've been up for about 24 hours with no sleep and that makes me incredibly grumpy anyway) but having sleeping problems makes it worse. I get to sleep, stay asleep for about an hour and a half and wake up to roommate asking me to wake up to come pick up a bug she killed in her room. Yeah. I absolutely adore this girl, but the lack of sleep I'm getting is making my depression get exponentially worse by the hour and so my life is getting darker and gloomier by the moment. At this point, I am about to lose my shit because I was woken up from my very short nap to pick up a FUCKING BUG!
Please excuse the bad words, I need a little chesed (grace) because there is a lot of anger in my heart and the lack of sleep is contributing to the addition of more and more grumpiness as each day passes.
These two incidences, plus getting woken up because the dog starts barking and playing around when she gets home and the volume in the apartment raising to extremely high levels, typically once I am down for a much needed nap. In addition, being woken up at 0600 on my fucking days off so the dog can eat a treat on my bed and snuggle for a solid 3 seconds before roommate leaves, I am so beyond past my level of being ticked off. I'm also not supposed to sleep as much as required by my depression because seeing me only come out of my room to pee and eat occasionally, because I am sleeping the rest of the time, makes her worried and I made her cry because of that.
I need sleep! That's all I want. I want to sleep in a bed where the dog doesn't keep peeing in it. I want to sleep in on my days off when the apartment will be silent and I can maybe catch up on sleep without roommate worrying about me because she won't be there during the day. I want to sleep before work and know that I can get a decent nap in before work without getting woken up. I want to be able to sleep after my 12 hour long night shift because I am stressed and exhausted, without getting woken up by barking by an excited dog, barking and whining because the dog is bored and wants to go outside to sniff around, and other things that wake me up unnecessarily because I haven't slept in a very long time. ALL I WANT IS SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so at my whits end with life, it's just not even funny.
Add all of these things to the recurring nightmares and strange, vivid dreams I keep having about exboyfriend, Country Boy, and fiance and my life is getting very little sleep, let alone restful sleep.
Oh, an I'm in nursing school. If you are not in nursing school but plan to be, just know that some of your vacations will be spent sleeping because you get NONE during school, especially if you work and go to school and ever want to see any other human being while you are in the program. Get used to living with coffee running as the fluids in your vasculature, blood is now overrated.
Did I mention I worked last night? Before work, I typically sleep from noon until about 5:30 so that I can get sleep before work so I will not be dozing off during my shift. Seeing as I sit in a dark room with a patient I am trying to get to sleep, but I need to not sleep, this nap is crutial to me keeping my job! Yesterday I got to sleep around 2, slept for about an hour before getting woken up. Oh the rage. Words do injustice to the anger coursing through my body after being woken up. I get grumpy anyway when I'm woken up. HOwever, when I am woken up after it was incredibly difficult to fall asleep, and it took another 45 minutes to get me back to sleep in the middle of the day, I was furious. I was woken up so that the dog could come and jump on my bed because roommate does not like her being alone when she leaves. The dog is fine alone, we leave her completely alone for hours and hours during the day when we have stuff to do, she will be fine for a couple of hours while I sleep so that I can work.
Today I had to go run errands before coming home after my shift. I waited at both of the stores I needed to go to because I got to both of them before opening time because I got off at a terrible hour in the morning and nobody should be up that early. I tried for the rest of the day to lay down and take a nap after that, but I just couldn't do it. I finally got to sleep around 4 then the damned dog came in 30 minutes later whining to go out. Exasperation consumed every atom that makes up my being and I woke up to take the dog out. After 15 minutes of her sniffing around, she still hadn't gone to the bathroom at all! Oh my goodness! I was so beyond pissed. I brought her back in and told her to go to her kennel. So pissed!!! It took another 30 minutes to go back to bed (keep in mind I've been up for about 24 hours with no sleep and that makes me incredibly grumpy anyway) but having sleeping problems makes it worse. I get to sleep, stay asleep for about an hour and a half and wake up to roommate asking me to wake up to come pick up a bug she killed in her room. Yeah. I absolutely adore this girl, but the lack of sleep I'm getting is making my depression get exponentially worse by the hour and so my life is getting darker and gloomier by the moment. At this point, I am about to lose my shit because I was woken up from my very short nap to pick up a FUCKING BUG!
Please excuse the bad words, I need a little chesed (grace) because there is a lot of anger in my heart and the lack of sleep is contributing to the addition of more and more grumpiness as each day passes.
These two incidences, plus getting woken up because the dog starts barking and playing around when she gets home and the volume in the apartment raising to extremely high levels, typically once I am down for a much needed nap. In addition, being woken up at 0600 on my fucking days off so the dog can eat a treat on my bed and snuggle for a solid 3 seconds before roommate leaves, I am so beyond past my level of being ticked off. I'm also not supposed to sleep as much as required by my depression because seeing me only come out of my room to pee and eat occasionally, because I am sleeping the rest of the time, makes her worried and I made her cry because of that.
I need sleep! That's all I want. I want to sleep in a bed where the dog doesn't keep peeing in it. I want to sleep in on my days off when the apartment will be silent and I can maybe catch up on sleep without roommate worrying about me because she won't be there during the day. I want to sleep before work and know that I can get a decent nap in before work without getting woken up. I want to be able to sleep after my 12 hour long night shift because I am stressed and exhausted, without getting woken up by barking by an excited dog, barking and whining because the dog is bored and wants to go outside to sniff around, and other things that wake me up unnecessarily because I haven't slept in a very long time. ALL I WANT IS SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so at my whits end with life, it's just not even funny.
Add all of these things to the recurring nightmares and strange, vivid dreams I keep having about exboyfriend, Country Boy, and fiance and my life is getting very little sleep, let alone restful sleep.
Monday, October 19, 2015
No Replies Necessary
Today I am having a hard day. Today, I need to vent in a place where I will not see the judgement on everyone's face, and where I will not hear the backlash and get lectured on it later. So, please no replies to today's post. I love you all, I respect your wish to help me and not see me hurt, but sometimes it's okay to just let someone deal with stuff alone. Today, this post, these are one of those times.
I broke up with Fiance Wednesday. I wasn't planning it and I wasn't expecting it but I did. We had planned to hang out. We hung out for awhile, and then he needed to go. Towards the end, while he was driving me back to my car, he was lecturing me about stupid stuff. I was getting irritated and I have been struggling with our relationship for several months now. He ended up asking me (for the millionth time) if I was done fighting.
That is usually his way of letting me know he sees that I am frustrated and that I'm having a hard time attempting to stay in the relationship. That day I was done. He asked if I was done fighting and I said yes. He asked if that meant that we were over, I said yes.
We got to my car and spent the next half hour talking, holding hands, hugging, and he kissed me a few times. I cried, like a lot. Like, a lot a lot. Then I got in my car, he drove away and I sat there for awhile getting to a place where I could be able to see while driving.
I spent the rest of the day crying and being with friends. I only told my brother, Beauty, and my new Roommate. They seem supportive of me but nobody knows what to say to me. I spent the next day sleeping and crying. We continued to talk a little bit and I got a lot of things off my chest because he kept asking questions so I answered them honestly. He went out drinking both nights and texted me the whole time he was out. Friday he ended up calling me and we talked for awhile. He asked more questions and I answered truthfully still. He went out drinking again then came to my apartment drunk. We talked for two or three hours out in his truck. He begged me to take him back. I told him to ask me when he was sober.
He ended up asking me again the next morning. I told him I don't know. We keep talking, he keeps asking "what's the plan?". I keep responding with I don't know. As of right now, we are trying to work things out, but my heart's not in it, he knows that because I've flat out told him so.
New Roommate has been watching me through all of this. A couple weeks ago we were drinking at home and she started asking questions. Those questions ended up revealing that the relationship I have with him is not the healthiest and she is now scared of him. I get it. I would be reacting the same way if I was watching her go through this, but I feel like I am in control. I see what is going on behind the scenes, that she doesn't see, and I know that he and I have had a really rough ride but I know that I can walk away when I need to. I've done it already, I can do it again.
He's upset that the relationship is not the same that it was before we broke up. I told him that I need time to figure stuff out and trust him again. He didn't do anything like cheat on me, I just found some stuff out, that he admitted to, but didn't want to tell me. I feel slighted and stupid. Shit happens.
In church, we're talking about how G-d takes us through wildernesses and then allows things to happen to us to see how we'll react and to see if we will still trust Him. I don't necessarily think this relationship is a wilderness right now, I know that my current situation is largely caused by my poor choices. However, I am reminded of Job and how he was righteous and G-d saw that he was doing well. G-d then allowed him to be tested to ensure that his heart was pure and true. Well, if I am in a wilderness, I do believe I'm probably failing the tests. I'm probably failing all of the tests. My heart is angry, I'm impatient, I don't want to talk to anyone, I was to isolate myself, and I am picking up some habits that are slightly frowned upon. I'm tired guys. Right now, my life is really hard and I feel like I've messed it up beyond repair. I know that G-d can work miracles and fix everything, I'm just not seeing it right now. That's okay, He does everything in His own timing and I await the day when I get to see how He works a miracle through this incredible mess I've made. Unfortunately, I'm not able to hold my breath that long because I've been waiting months and I'm not seeing it. In fact, it's gotten worse over the past couple of months. So, I wait expectantly hoping for a miracle, but riding out the storm I've found myself in.
I'm angry, I feel completely used up, graceless, unforgiving, frustrated, exhausted, irritated, and I wish that I didn't have to live this life. The only thing keeping me going is knowing that I love the L-rd and I hope with all of my heart that this will be over and the L-rd has some kind of purpose for my life. I don't know what the purpose is, I can't even begin to imagine that anything can be made from this disaster. Anything is possible with G-d, He's the only way anything'll work.
I broke up with Fiance Wednesday. I wasn't planning it and I wasn't expecting it but I did. We had planned to hang out. We hung out for awhile, and then he needed to go. Towards the end, while he was driving me back to my car, he was lecturing me about stupid stuff. I was getting irritated and I have been struggling with our relationship for several months now. He ended up asking me (for the millionth time) if I was done fighting.
That is usually his way of letting me know he sees that I am frustrated and that I'm having a hard time attempting to stay in the relationship. That day I was done. He asked if I was done fighting and I said yes. He asked if that meant that we were over, I said yes.
We got to my car and spent the next half hour talking, holding hands, hugging, and he kissed me a few times. I cried, like a lot. Like, a lot a lot. Then I got in my car, he drove away and I sat there for awhile getting to a place where I could be able to see while driving.
I spent the rest of the day crying and being with friends. I only told my brother, Beauty, and my new Roommate. They seem supportive of me but nobody knows what to say to me. I spent the next day sleeping and crying. We continued to talk a little bit and I got a lot of things off my chest because he kept asking questions so I answered them honestly. He went out drinking both nights and texted me the whole time he was out. Friday he ended up calling me and we talked for awhile. He asked more questions and I answered truthfully still. He went out drinking again then came to my apartment drunk. We talked for two or three hours out in his truck. He begged me to take him back. I told him to ask me when he was sober.
He ended up asking me again the next morning. I told him I don't know. We keep talking, he keeps asking "what's the plan?". I keep responding with I don't know. As of right now, we are trying to work things out, but my heart's not in it, he knows that because I've flat out told him so.
New Roommate has been watching me through all of this. A couple weeks ago we were drinking at home and she started asking questions. Those questions ended up revealing that the relationship I have with him is not the healthiest and she is now scared of him. I get it. I would be reacting the same way if I was watching her go through this, but I feel like I am in control. I see what is going on behind the scenes, that she doesn't see, and I know that he and I have had a really rough ride but I know that I can walk away when I need to. I've done it already, I can do it again.
He's upset that the relationship is not the same that it was before we broke up. I told him that I need time to figure stuff out and trust him again. He didn't do anything like cheat on me, I just found some stuff out, that he admitted to, but didn't want to tell me. I feel slighted and stupid. Shit happens.
In church, we're talking about how G-d takes us through wildernesses and then allows things to happen to us to see how we'll react and to see if we will still trust Him. I don't necessarily think this relationship is a wilderness right now, I know that my current situation is largely caused by my poor choices. However, I am reminded of Job and how he was righteous and G-d saw that he was doing well. G-d then allowed him to be tested to ensure that his heart was pure and true. Well, if I am in a wilderness, I do believe I'm probably failing the tests. I'm probably failing all of the tests. My heart is angry, I'm impatient, I don't want to talk to anyone, I was to isolate myself, and I am picking up some habits that are slightly frowned upon. I'm tired guys. Right now, my life is really hard and I feel like I've messed it up beyond repair. I know that G-d can work miracles and fix everything, I'm just not seeing it right now. That's okay, He does everything in His own timing and I await the day when I get to see how He works a miracle through this incredible mess I've made. Unfortunately, I'm not able to hold my breath that long because I've been waiting months and I'm not seeing it. In fact, it's gotten worse over the past couple of months. So, I wait expectantly hoping for a miracle, but riding out the storm I've found myself in.
I'm angry, I feel completely used up, graceless, unforgiving, frustrated, exhausted, irritated, and I wish that I didn't have to live this life. The only thing keeping me going is knowing that I love the L-rd and I hope with all of my heart that this will be over and the L-rd has some kind of purpose for my life. I don't know what the purpose is, I can't even begin to imagine that anything can be made from this disaster. Anything is possible with G-d, He's the only way anything'll work.
Sunday, June 21, 2015
And the Plot Thickens
For about two months now, I have been barely surviving. Mid April I was sexually assaulted/raped by my first ever "real" boyfriend. School and life went on while I felt I was stuck. I still feel stuck and like I'm just going through the motions.
About a month ago I met a new boy who I thought was great. Things are turning with him...
About two weeks ago I got a breakup sounding text with an ultimatum from Roommate telling me that she "couldn't live like this". She was talking about me. When I asked her what was going on and we talked it all out, turns out she's been making a lot of assumptions about what I was doing. Her mom called me and chewed me out for about 12 minutes. Then Roommate and I talked the next day. Stories are not adding up and the mom said really hurtful things. Keep in mind, Roommate's mom is the one who introduced me to Rapist and now she is mad at me for the time I was in a relationship with me. Does that make any sense? NO! They are getting mad at me for not changing and fixing my behavior for the past five months but they haven't been telling me anything until one time so how I was supposed to know I was doing anything wrong? Plus, they say I've changed. I have changed, rape does that to a person. I am also not taking nonesense from people anymore. I'm sick of getting walked all over and being expected to just take it. I was playing wife to Roommate (cooking her dinner, doing little errands for her, helping with family projects like gutting a basement, etc.). So yes, I've changed because she wasn't returning the favor. How was I supposed to know that was something I'd get yelled at because she expected me to be a spouse while getting nothing in return. WE'RE NOT MARRIED! We were roommates who's goal was to split living expenses so we can hopefully survive college. The relationship was not supposed to be a one-way street of me bending over backwards when I have my own life that I need to deal with. She's mad about me not making dinner? I'm mad about not being respected and having to answer to her for everything I do while she can do what she wants whenever she wants. Long story short, after the text, she stopped texting for about a week while I was with Mema shadowing in the NICU again. I scrambled to find a new roommate because the original one obviously didn't want to live with me anymore. When I got back, that's when Roommate's mom called me to see what was going on because Roommate wasn't answering any of the serious texts I was texting her even though they were all apologies and wondering what was going wrong. When I told the mom that I had found another roommate she got all angry and started yelling at me because now she was going to have to pay the other half of her daughter's bills. Well lady, you don't really have to. Plus, she's the one who decided she didn't want to live with me, I offered but she wants to live alone. I just took it though. I'm learning to be an adult and it sucks because some adults don't even know how to adult.
Wednesday I got in my first car accident after a really, really rough night at work. Dad yelled at me when he found out when I was hoping for just a little support or even a "are you okay". So, I may or may not have back-sassed him just a little bit in hopes that I was standing up for myself. I think I was. New Boyfriend drove 2 hours to come up to where I crashed so that he could tow my car to my dad's mechanic shop. Next day I went to a super sketchy part of town and pulled the parts of a wrecked version of my car all by myself. Now there were lots of miracles in this whole ordeal. The car I hit was not damaged and the guy was so sweet about everything (he was probably a dad/grandpa). My car had minimal damage, it looked bad, but I was able to help my dad and we fixed it with the help of his body work friend. The car I found at a scrap yard to pull parts from was the exact same color and car as my own and it was even in better condition. Not only that, but it had shown up the day before so I was almost the first one to get parts from it. Praise the L-rd! There's no way His hand is not on this, guiding me through, even though I messed up. I didn't even cry at the crash, nor did I feel I needed to. I worked my way through all my problems and the car is nearly back to working order we just have to finish putting the radiator in it and I'll be able to drive it again.
Friday I went to the local amusement park with New Boyfriend and a couple of his friends (Boyfriend from now on, previous Boyfriend will now be referred to as ExBF). When he got to the door to pick me up, he asked me to change because he didn't like that I was wearing my long boy's shorts as a swim suit. I told him he could go alone if he didn't want me wearing that because I wasn't going to change. He said no, let's go, so we did. At the park we left most valuables in the car and took my backpack with just a few things in it. I almost brought my wallet but they told me to leave it in the car. I accidentally packed my phone. After a few water rides, we went back to where we had left the backpack and they got their cigarettes. I don't smoke, but they do. We did one more ride and weren't gone for more than 30 minutes but the backpack was gone when we got back. It was in a heavy traffic area with a bunch of other backpacks around so I don't know why/how they targeted mine. We went to lost and found, nothing. I realized after a couple hours that my phone was in there and not in the car. That is bumming me out the most. I had a couple pictures of myself after my SANE (rape) exam because my nurse was so sweet and had given me a snoopy band-aid that made me feel a little better. Silly, I know. But that picture was a symbol of strength for me because I sought help after a really traumatic event. I also had some other pictures on there that I wanted because they were of my crunched car from two days before, a couple of my boyfriend that I liked, and just other pictures. Plus, I feel violated all over again because someone has access to all of that info. I mean, they probably wiped the phone without looking through it, but come on! Do I really need more stuff going wrong in my life? Even after the backpack was stolen and I was grumpy, I pushed that aside so the others could hopefully have fun. They were upset too because they had their military ID's in it and some cash. But boyfriend and I had a couple fights. He texted me yesterday once I got a my old phone working with my same number (because the stolen phone was only a couple months old) and he told me sorry. I just don't understand why he does not nice things and then apologizes for it the next day but when he notices I'm mad the day he makes me angry, he acts like I'm being dramatic. I'm done hiding my feelings and my hurt. I tell him straight out that he's being mean. I feel like such a girl for getting mad at him, I've never been like this, but I'm sick of being a doormat and someone that others can yell at and still expect me to take it with a smile and then do whatever they want to do. I'm not Burger King, you can't have it your way with me. Yes, I will compromise and talk things through, but I'm not compromising my beliefs or myself anymore.
To top it all off, both parents come to me with their marriage problems. They always have. I don't know how I became the family therapist, but it's been like this since I was about 5-6. Except then, the marriage was much happier. Now, they are both talking about how they don't know how they can stay together. That's fine, if they want to live on their own, that's ok. I'm an adult, that isn't going to cause me great harm like it would have when I was a kid. Plus, I've seen them both very unhappy for a very long time. However, when they make personal attacks on the other one, I can get mad at mom and tell her to fix it. She will apologize and move on. Dad, not so much. I hate personal attacks.
Life would be hard enough dealing with a breakup, but it's not just a breakup. My world is crumbling down around me, my relationships are burning without me knowing how or why, events in my life keep making me question whether I can survive anymore. Yesterday I lost it. My mom and I had just gone to get my old phone reactivated and I broke after weeks and weeks of just plugging along. I vented to her about ExBF, Boyfriend, ex-Roommate, the wreck, the theft, my phone, the fight with dad, their marriage problems, and probably some other stuff that I can't remember right now. I just wanted a simple life. I just wanted to graduate, wait to kiss a boy until my wedding day, maybe have a few kids if the L-rd allowed me to get married to a simple and sweet man, and have minimal drama. Well, that is not the outcome of my life. I've had more drama than I can deal with in a lifetime all packed into about two month's time and there is more in my past that I still have to deal with.
My flashbacks had gone away, I thought I was doing better. Nope. Flashbacks have come back and they are even about Country Boy, not just ExBF now.
I don't know how to live anymore. I would never do anything to end my own life, but I'm ready to never leave my bed again. I don't want to go out, I don't want to put on this fake smile, I don't want the memories/the hurt/the pain anymore. I don't trust anyone anymore. I'm so over everything. G-d remains constant in my life and I know I've fallen away from Him. I'm not outside His reach, in fact, I'm still in His hands, but how do I go on? Breathing is hard, I don't have the energy to do anything, I'm not hungry anymore, and I have little will to do anything. I don't think life should be this hard and yet I know others are going through more and they still find joy and happiness in the midst of their terrible circumstances. So why then, can I not handle these little things?
About a month ago I met a new boy who I thought was great. Things are turning with him...
About two weeks ago I got a breakup sounding text with an ultimatum from Roommate telling me that she "couldn't live like this". She was talking about me. When I asked her what was going on and we talked it all out, turns out she's been making a lot of assumptions about what I was doing. Her mom called me and chewed me out for about 12 minutes. Then Roommate and I talked the next day. Stories are not adding up and the mom said really hurtful things. Keep in mind, Roommate's mom is the one who introduced me to Rapist and now she is mad at me for the time I was in a relationship with me. Does that make any sense? NO! They are getting mad at me for not changing and fixing my behavior for the past five months but they haven't been telling me anything until one time so how I was supposed to know I was doing anything wrong? Plus, they say I've changed. I have changed, rape does that to a person. I am also not taking nonesense from people anymore. I'm sick of getting walked all over and being expected to just take it. I was playing wife to Roommate (cooking her dinner, doing little errands for her, helping with family projects like gutting a basement, etc.). So yes, I've changed because she wasn't returning the favor. How was I supposed to know that was something I'd get yelled at because she expected me to be a spouse while getting nothing in return. WE'RE NOT MARRIED! We were roommates who's goal was to split living expenses so we can hopefully survive college. The relationship was not supposed to be a one-way street of me bending over backwards when I have my own life that I need to deal with. She's mad about me not making dinner? I'm mad about not being respected and having to answer to her for everything I do while she can do what she wants whenever she wants. Long story short, after the text, she stopped texting for about a week while I was with Mema shadowing in the NICU again. I scrambled to find a new roommate because the original one obviously didn't want to live with me anymore. When I got back, that's when Roommate's mom called me to see what was going on because Roommate wasn't answering any of the serious texts I was texting her even though they were all apologies and wondering what was going wrong. When I told the mom that I had found another roommate she got all angry and started yelling at me because now she was going to have to pay the other half of her daughter's bills. Well lady, you don't really have to. Plus, she's the one who decided she didn't want to live with me, I offered but she wants to live alone. I just took it though. I'm learning to be an adult and it sucks because some adults don't even know how to adult.
Wednesday I got in my first car accident after a really, really rough night at work. Dad yelled at me when he found out when I was hoping for just a little support or even a "are you okay". So, I may or may not have back-sassed him just a little bit in hopes that I was standing up for myself. I think I was. New Boyfriend drove 2 hours to come up to where I crashed so that he could tow my car to my dad's mechanic shop. Next day I went to a super sketchy part of town and pulled the parts of a wrecked version of my car all by myself. Now there were lots of miracles in this whole ordeal. The car I hit was not damaged and the guy was so sweet about everything (he was probably a dad/grandpa). My car had minimal damage, it looked bad, but I was able to help my dad and we fixed it with the help of his body work friend. The car I found at a scrap yard to pull parts from was the exact same color and car as my own and it was even in better condition. Not only that, but it had shown up the day before so I was almost the first one to get parts from it. Praise the L-rd! There's no way His hand is not on this, guiding me through, even though I messed up. I didn't even cry at the crash, nor did I feel I needed to. I worked my way through all my problems and the car is nearly back to working order we just have to finish putting the radiator in it and I'll be able to drive it again.
Friday I went to the local amusement park with New Boyfriend and a couple of his friends (Boyfriend from now on, previous Boyfriend will now be referred to as ExBF). When he got to the door to pick me up, he asked me to change because he didn't like that I was wearing my long boy's shorts as a swim suit. I told him he could go alone if he didn't want me wearing that because I wasn't going to change. He said no, let's go, so we did. At the park we left most valuables in the car and took my backpack with just a few things in it. I almost brought my wallet but they told me to leave it in the car. I accidentally packed my phone. After a few water rides, we went back to where we had left the backpack and they got their cigarettes. I don't smoke, but they do. We did one more ride and weren't gone for more than 30 minutes but the backpack was gone when we got back. It was in a heavy traffic area with a bunch of other backpacks around so I don't know why/how they targeted mine. We went to lost and found, nothing. I realized after a couple hours that my phone was in there and not in the car. That is bumming me out the most. I had a couple pictures of myself after my SANE (rape) exam because my nurse was so sweet and had given me a snoopy band-aid that made me feel a little better. Silly, I know. But that picture was a symbol of strength for me because I sought help after a really traumatic event. I also had some other pictures on there that I wanted because they were of my crunched car from two days before, a couple of my boyfriend that I liked, and just other pictures. Plus, I feel violated all over again because someone has access to all of that info. I mean, they probably wiped the phone without looking through it, but come on! Do I really need more stuff going wrong in my life? Even after the backpack was stolen and I was grumpy, I pushed that aside so the others could hopefully have fun. They were upset too because they had their military ID's in it and some cash. But boyfriend and I had a couple fights. He texted me yesterday once I got a my old phone working with my same number (because the stolen phone was only a couple months old) and he told me sorry. I just don't understand why he does not nice things and then apologizes for it the next day but when he notices I'm mad the day he makes me angry, he acts like I'm being dramatic. I'm done hiding my feelings and my hurt. I tell him straight out that he's being mean. I feel like such a girl for getting mad at him, I've never been like this, but I'm sick of being a doormat and someone that others can yell at and still expect me to take it with a smile and then do whatever they want to do. I'm not Burger King, you can't have it your way with me. Yes, I will compromise and talk things through, but I'm not compromising my beliefs or myself anymore.
To top it all off, both parents come to me with their marriage problems. They always have. I don't know how I became the family therapist, but it's been like this since I was about 5-6. Except then, the marriage was much happier. Now, they are both talking about how they don't know how they can stay together. That's fine, if they want to live on their own, that's ok. I'm an adult, that isn't going to cause me great harm like it would have when I was a kid. Plus, I've seen them both very unhappy for a very long time. However, when they make personal attacks on the other one, I can get mad at mom and tell her to fix it. She will apologize and move on. Dad, not so much. I hate personal attacks.
Life would be hard enough dealing with a breakup, but it's not just a breakup. My world is crumbling down around me, my relationships are burning without me knowing how or why, events in my life keep making me question whether I can survive anymore. Yesterday I lost it. My mom and I had just gone to get my old phone reactivated and I broke after weeks and weeks of just plugging along. I vented to her about ExBF, Boyfriend, ex-Roommate, the wreck, the theft, my phone, the fight with dad, their marriage problems, and probably some other stuff that I can't remember right now. I just wanted a simple life. I just wanted to graduate, wait to kiss a boy until my wedding day, maybe have a few kids if the L-rd allowed me to get married to a simple and sweet man, and have minimal drama. Well, that is not the outcome of my life. I've had more drama than I can deal with in a lifetime all packed into about two month's time and there is more in my past that I still have to deal with.
My flashbacks had gone away, I thought I was doing better. Nope. Flashbacks have come back and they are even about Country Boy, not just ExBF now.
I don't know how to live anymore. I would never do anything to end my own life, but I'm ready to never leave my bed again. I don't want to go out, I don't want to put on this fake smile, I don't want the memories/the hurt/the pain anymore. I don't trust anyone anymore. I'm so over everything. G-d remains constant in my life and I know I've fallen away from Him. I'm not outside His reach, in fact, I'm still in His hands, but how do I go on? Breathing is hard, I don't have the energy to do anything, I'm not hungry anymore, and I have little will to do anything. I don't think life should be this hard and yet I know others are going through more and they still find joy and happiness in the midst of their terrible circumstances. So why then, can I not handle these little things?
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Boys are Better
Over the past couple of weeks I have had the same conversation with nearly every one of my groups of friends that I come into contact with. The subject of why it's better to be a guy in comparison to my experience being a girl. You may disagree with some of my point, and that is okay. You can discuss it or simply understand that I am a tomboy with a "different" outlook on life.
Now, why is that Y chromosome able to make them better? Let's explore some of the reasons.
1) They can pee standing up which allows them to relieve themselves much more easily than us females. I need a place to sit/squat, some extra privacy (because we are much more exposed), and often I like to have an actual bathroom as opposed to a tree or bush. I also NEED a place to wash my hands with soap and water because germs. Yes, that is poor grammar and no, I do not wish to change it.
2) They smell better after working out.* I, on the other hand, do not smell nearly as nice after working out and require a shower immediately. Therefore, I tend to not do things to make me sweat because then I smell like a rotting carcass and people wonder what died.
*This comes with some exclusions and also with a time frame. Now, they typically smell okay for the first 20-30 minutes after beginning to sweat, after that it gets questionable quickly!
3) They don't have to shave. Think about this, it is typically socially unacceptable for a female in America to not shave her armpits or legs, especially if either one will be exposed. Guys, however, brag about long armpit hair, they get teased if the shave their leg hair, and facial hair is acceptable whether shaved or grown. Why do they get to be hairy beasts and we have to be hairless in all the right places with long hair on our heads?
4) Guys are better at EVERYTHING!!! Shooting guns? Guys can hit more targets and shoot guns better than girls can. Sports? Most guys can pick up any ball and innately know how to play it while I can't even hold the ball with one hand because my hands are too small. Driving? Guys pick up learning stick shift a whole lot faster than the ladies I have taught and way, way faster than it took me to learn it. Playing with kids? Guys are still kids so they have a weird ability to be able to play for hours with children while I struggle to understand what they want me to do to keep them entertained. Riding horses? How do they look so good while riding a horse? I mean seriously. Fixing stuff? I think that Y chromosome automatically makes guys understand how to fix cars, motors, stuff around the house, and also gives them the ability to drive or operate any type of machinery they come across.
5) They are physically stronger. I can barely pick up something that is 60-75 pounds after working out and strength training for months. Guys, because of testosterone, don't have to work out but can still pick up things that are twice the weight of me without ever doing anything to build up that strength. All because of testosterone.
6) They can roll out of bed and look good after about 15 minutes of getting ready. If I was to look even half way decent, it takes me a solid hour and a half. If I want to look good enough to go to a wedding, I takes at least 3 hours and a team of about 23 people who are specialized in "tough cases" to dress me, do my hair and make-up, and take care of everything else.
7) They typically cause less drama in their friend groups because they are fairly honest with what they are thinking. They also, typically, live in the here and now or in the future. Girls like to drag things out, keep secrets, gossip, and play games with each other. Females also like to drudge things up from the past and then over-analyze what happened, which means fights are never really over while guys beat each other up and forget about the issue almost immediately.
The list goes on, these are just the main points I remembered from what my friends and I came up with.
What brought this up? My general jealousy that I cannot do anything right while the guys in my life are able to excel at just about anything they try. Also, I had a couple of guys tell me that I need to try harder to look good because my hair was "poofy" (their words). Well, I got defensive but mostly kept if to myself. However, that is eating a hole in my sanity and I decided to express it here.
I looked bad because I had been up for 36 hours at that point, I was running on 7 hours of fitful sleep, I had worked the night before then showered before going to tutor one of my cousins. I then proceeded to keep busy the rest of the day (an also slightly late the rest of the day) and did not have time or energy to look decent nor did it seem particularly important because it was a miracle I was awake and pleasant to begin with. To be poked at by someone who does not know what it is like to be a girl, let alone work all night, was not something I had prepared myself to deal with. Also, when I do take the time to try to look okay, nobody cares! They don't notice. Instead, they just come up with something else that I'm not doing right and then harp on that for awhile. Plus, I'm not one of those innately pretty people nor do I know how to use make-up and stuff to make myself look like I might be beautiful. My job is not to be on Earth just to look good for some boy. I am a plain tomboy who takes the time to care for others instead of worrying about my appearances. I could look worse, but what you see is my effort to simply stay sane.
Praise the L-rd I was too tired to tell them all that. Instead, I simply told them that I looked worse before then shut my mouth and laughed along with them while "joking" that they hurt my feeling (yes, singular). It stings though. It brings back what kids have been saying since I was little. It also doesn't help that it was from a guy who I am sorta crushing on and another guy who I really like hanging out with because they are both super fun. This also makes me want to try harder, but then they'll tease me for getting dolled up. So, I came home, did my make-up in what was supposed to be a smokey eye, drank a beer and watched children's movies until I crashed on the couch.
It's a struggle to be somewhere between girl and guy, child and adult, country and city. I don't know where I belong. I was raised to focus on being smart instead of pretty. When I was a baby and people told my mom I was pretty, beautiful or cute, she would tell them I was smart, which she felt was/is more important. Now, I don't feel smart, or pretty. Now I'm just confused.
Now, why is that Y chromosome able to make them better? Let's explore some of the reasons.
1) They can pee standing up which allows them to relieve themselves much more easily than us females. I need a place to sit/squat, some extra privacy (because we are much more exposed), and often I like to have an actual bathroom as opposed to a tree or bush. I also NEED a place to wash my hands with soap and water because germs. Yes, that is poor grammar and no, I do not wish to change it.
2) They smell better after working out.* I, on the other hand, do not smell nearly as nice after working out and require a shower immediately. Therefore, I tend to not do things to make me sweat because then I smell like a rotting carcass and people wonder what died.
*This comes with some exclusions and also with a time frame. Now, they typically smell okay for the first 20-30 minutes after beginning to sweat, after that it gets questionable quickly!
3) They don't have to shave. Think about this, it is typically socially unacceptable for a female in America to not shave her armpits or legs, especially if either one will be exposed. Guys, however, brag about long armpit hair, they get teased if the shave their leg hair, and facial hair is acceptable whether shaved or grown. Why do they get to be hairy beasts and we have to be hairless in all the right places with long hair on our heads?
4) Guys are better at EVERYTHING!!! Shooting guns? Guys can hit more targets and shoot guns better than girls can. Sports? Most guys can pick up any ball and innately know how to play it while I can't even hold the ball with one hand because my hands are too small. Driving? Guys pick up learning stick shift a whole lot faster than the ladies I have taught and way, way faster than it took me to learn it. Playing with kids? Guys are still kids so they have a weird ability to be able to play for hours with children while I struggle to understand what they want me to do to keep them entertained. Riding horses? How do they look so good while riding a horse? I mean seriously. Fixing stuff? I think that Y chromosome automatically makes guys understand how to fix cars, motors, stuff around the house, and also gives them the ability to drive or operate any type of machinery they come across.
5) They are physically stronger. I can barely pick up something that is 60-75 pounds after working out and strength training for months. Guys, because of testosterone, don't have to work out but can still pick up things that are twice the weight of me without ever doing anything to build up that strength. All because of testosterone.
6) They can roll out of bed and look good after about 15 minutes of getting ready. If I was to look even half way decent, it takes me a solid hour and a half. If I want to look good enough to go to a wedding, I takes at least 3 hours and a team of about 23 people who are specialized in "tough cases" to dress me, do my hair and make-up, and take care of everything else.
7) They typically cause less drama in their friend groups because they are fairly honest with what they are thinking. They also, typically, live in the here and now or in the future. Girls like to drag things out, keep secrets, gossip, and play games with each other. Females also like to drudge things up from the past and then over-analyze what happened, which means fights are never really over while guys beat each other up and forget about the issue almost immediately.
The list goes on, these are just the main points I remembered from what my friends and I came up with.
What brought this up? My general jealousy that I cannot do anything right while the guys in my life are able to excel at just about anything they try. Also, I had a couple of guys tell me that I need to try harder to look good because my hair was "poofy" (their words). Well, I got defensive but mostly kept if to myself. However, that is eating a hole in my sanity and I decided to express it here.
I looked bad because I had been up for 36 hours at that point, I was running on 7 hours of fitful sleep, I had worked the night before then showered before going to tutor one of my cousins. I then proceeded to keep busy the rest of the day (an also slightly late the rest of the day) and did not have time or energy to look decent nor did it seem particularly important because it was a miracle I was awake and pleasant to begin with. To be poked at by someone who does not know what it is like to be a girl, let alone work all night, was not something I had prepared myself to deal with. Also, when I do take the time to try to look okay, nobody cares! They don't notice. Instead, they just come up with something else that I'm not doing right and then harp on that for awhile. Plus, I'm not one of those innately pretty people nor do I know how to use make-up and stuff to make myself look like I might be beautiful. My job is not to be on Earth just to look good for some boy. I am a plain tomboy who takes the time to care for others instead of worrying about my appearances. I could look worse, but what you see is my effort to simply stay sane.
Praise the L-rd I was too tired to tell them all that. Instead, I simply told them that I looked worse before then shut my mouth and laughed along with them while "joking" that they hurt my feeling (yes, singular). It stings though. It brings back what kids have been saying since I was little. It also doesn't help that it was from a guy who I am sorta crushing on and another guy who I really like hanging out with because they are both super fun. This also makes me want to try harder, but then they'll tease me for getting dolled up. So, I came home, did my make-up in what was supposed to be a smokey eye, drank a beer and watched children's movies until I crashed on the couch.
It's a struggle to be somewhere between girl and guy, child and adult, country and city. I don't know where I belong. I was raised to focus on being smart instead of pretty. When I was a baby and people told my mom I was pretty, beautiful or cute, she would tell them I was smart, which she felt was/is more important. Now, I don't feel smart, or pretty. Now I'm just confused.
Friday, May 9, 2014
I've been laughing all afternoon...
My brother is moving out tomorrow... well, he moves out officially tomorrow, he's already staying there tonight. Not really a huge deal, he warned me a number of months ago. He is breaking our agreement for the lease but that's another story.
So, he brought a buddy over to help him load his mattress today. We sat around talking for a little bit, loaded the mattress, not a big deal. At the end of their visit, our conversation stumbles across a path I did not know existed. My brother mentioned that he was moving out because I kicked him out. I did not recall ever doing such a thing which made him really defensive. "You kicked me out!" I asked him what I said and when. He was unable to answer that question and just kept replying that I kicked him out. He didn't say how or when or anything else besides he is moving out because I forced him to leave. I am thinking that he told that story to all of his friends and got mad because I called him out on it in front of another friend. They both proceeded to leave and left me all alone.
I was super mad. Like, super beyond angry. I don't know that I've ever been so mad at him or at a certain set of circumstances. So, I decided to be "productive." I pulled a Miranda Lambert (reference "Baggage Claim" and "Gunpowder and Lead" and really many of her songs to get an idea of what I was acting like). I started packing all of his stuff. Sure, he'll probably be mad and shocked tomorrow but hey, you want to tell people I'm kicking you out? Then fine! I will make sure that your belongings are ready to go first thing in the morning and you can leave me behind in a cloud of dust to figure out this mess you have now left me in. Now I have to find a roommate and pay YOUR rent that you agreed to pay when I signed the lease (because you were a minor at the time) but are now skipping out on. He said he would help with his part of the rent until the lease is up but I don't see that happening.
Needless to say, I went a little nuts. However, I finally understand why women (people) throw all of the boyfriend's/husband's things on the front lawn when they do something soooooooo stupid that it warrants them getting kicked out of their own house. I came pretty close to that myself but G-d didn't let me remember that people do that while I still had the energy to do anything. So, it's all just piled up in the living room.
I didn't even need a gun because sometimes that isn't as effective as going insane on someone and letting them sort through their own feelings. Just don't do us wrong though because we love with all that we are but when you cross us... Boy howdy you better be getting ready for WAR. I love him but this just took it too far. I feel like I have turned 73 cheeks to him to keep getting slapped. I think I have forgiven him and helped him even when he has done me wrong (thought I probably haven't done it right). But I am not going to be a doormat that he can use as the butt of every joke with his friends. I won't take his rumors quietly.What's more is that he wants me to meet his friends. That was before he informed me that he has been spreading rumors so that I now seem like some terrible, awful, evil, mean sister. I ain't meeting his friends just so that they can have dinner conversation about how I seem compared with Brother's account of me. That just ain't gonna happen!
The struggles of college and siblings...
More on the roommate front later. Actually, I hope to inform y'all about it tomorrow.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Serious Struggles = Breakdown on Phone with Mother
Guys I was having a rough 24 hours yesterday. Actually, it all happened in about 18 hours, but whatever.
About a week and a half ago (on a Friday) I get a call to say that I don't have to work Sunday. They call me back the following Friday to say, "Hey, you have to come in now." Nobody asked if I had plans or studying or anything else going on since they gave me the day off. So, naturally, I steamed about it for a few days and went in anyway. Work was fine but I was the only float for all 4 courts so I was bounced around pretty heavily all night. Then, I got to go home. By the time I walked into my apartment door it was 10 p.m. and I had loads of homework to do.
Now, let me remind you that the facility recently changed their key policy from allowing every employee to have their own set of keys, to now requiring you to check keys out because they took them away from us. Why? A power trip by a whole set of new managers. As part of this policy, if you forget to check your keys back in and put them in the box, you have to drive all the way back to work to return to them before you get written up.
Guess what I found in my pocket as I was taking off my shoes at home? You guessed it you smart person! I found my keys. If I hadn't been so exhausted, I think I probably would have punch a hole in the wall because I was livid. Anger doesn't even begin to describe it. I was mad at myself for being so stupid for not returning my keys and I was even angrier at the facility and manager who thought this stupid policy would be a good idea.
So, a 30 minuted drive there and back later, I had cooled off slightly. G-d, in His infinite love and kindness, allowed me to hit all green lights even when other cars were waiting at intersections and nobody was traveling the way I was. He allowed me to be irrationally angry at a situation that doesn't really matter in the scheme of things and even helped me to cool down. He also kept me from the millions of cops that I saw because I was speeding a bit due to the rage boiling over inside of me. I don't think I've ever been so surprised by how G-d's worked in my life than I was that night.
After about 3 hours of homework, I woke up asleep at my computer. 5 hours later, I'm being woken up by about 12 alarms distributed throughout my room to ensure that I do, in fact, wake up and don't sleep through them. Went to class, no big deal.
Then, at my IT job, everything that could go wrong did. I rode on the elevator to the wrong floor while trying to take a computer to a teacher. That computer didn't work so I called my partner but accidentally ended up calling my boss. I ran upstairs, grabbed another one, took the stupid elevator again and went to the wrong floor, AGAIN! At some point I had to reimage a computer. Each time, it takes 30 minutes, and I had to do it twice because I thought I did it wrong. After talking to my partner, he confirmed it. (It turns out that computer was just broken too, so that made me feel a little bit better, but it was a whole day after that incident.)
So, after all of that nonesense, I went home and called my mom instead of going to the gym. We talked about my dating policies because I have recently been reconsidering my kissing thing but I don't know if that's just because I'm listening to country music or if it's because G-d is testing me or maybe He didn't even encourage me to make that policy. I don't know. So, we talked about her experiences and I asked questions I never thought I would ask ever, let alone to my mom... At some point I broke down and she encouraged me to have a boyfriend "just because they're fun and it would help you to understand more social cues." Seriously, that's what she said. We all know I'm not developed past a 5th grade social status, but I don't know that jumping into a random relationship would help that any.
The reason that came up though, is because I had breakfast with my best friend. This best friend is the same one that asked me out last year. I hadn't seen him in several months and when I did it was weird because he and my other friend were unpleased with each other so then I felt like I was running interference. But my crush that had been so difficult to get over suddenly hit me like a train at dinner. It was so weird. Plus, the waitress thought we were dating so she only gave us one ticket and he paid for me and that was really weird for me. So I brought all that to my mom and that made me start crying because I don't know what's happening. When I don't know what's happening in my own head/heart, I freak out and seriously question all of my life decisions.
Lately, G-d keeps showing me blog posts and random articles through Facebook, or some really unexpected places, about dating through a G-dly person's perspective. One such article can be found here. I strongly suggest that you read it because I thought I was some independent, strong-willed girl that didn't listen to Hollywood's fairy tales and the silliness that Disney movies try to feed us about "love". Turns out that I'm influenced heavily and it is not allowing me to hear G-d's voice about what He wants for me as a person that can potentially date. For now, I'm throwing out all of my past rules and I'm starting from scratch with what I pray is G-d's voice, ONLY. I guess we'll see where that leads because I'm totally in the dark. Also, it's making me freak out a bit more, but it's not as unsettling because I know G-d is in control and I'm not holding on for dear life. It's a faith exercise.
Speaking of exercise, I went to the gym a lot last week and got down to 5 pound lost total so far. This week, however, is not fairing so well with the exercising establishment because I'm plumb exhausted and a bit lazy this week. Hopefully I will find some motivation to go to the gym again. I'm getting better at distance running for longer times and also faster running. It makes me feel to much better to go do something that makes me sweat and gets my anxiousness out in a more productive way that causing me heart palpitations and mild panic attacks.
I think that's all I have for now. I should probably go study...
Daily Thanksgiving: G-d totally understands me even in my irrational anger. He is changing me for the better and stretching me in ways I didn't think were possible. I've lost 5 pounds and feel a bit better about myself. I'm looking forward to being able to run a whole mile in under 8 minute.
About a week and a half ago (on a Friday) I get a call to say that I don't have to work Sunday. They call me back the following Friday to say, "Hey, you have to come in now." Nobody asked if I had plans or studying or anything else going on since they gave me the day off. So, naturally, I steamed about it for a few days and went in anyway. Work was fine but I was the only float for all 4 courts so I was bounced around pretty heavily all night. Then, I got to go home. By the time I walked into my apartment door it was 10 p.m. and I had loads of homework to do.
Now, let me remind you that the facility recently changed their key policy from allowing every employee to have their own set of keys, to now requiring you to check keys out because they took them away from us. Why? A power trip by a whole set of new managers. As part of this policy, if you forget to check your keys back in and put them in the box, you have to drive all the way back to work to return to them before you get written up.
Guess what I found in my pocket as I was taking off my shoes at home? You guessed it you smart person! I found my keys. If I hadn't been so exhausted, I think I probably would have punch a hole in the wall because I was livid. Anger doesn't even begin to describe it. I was mad at myself for being so stupid for not returning my keys and I was even angrier at the facility and manager who thought this stupid policy would be a good idea.
So, a 30 minuted drive there and back later, I had cooled off slightly. G-d, in His infinite love and kindness, allowed me to hit all green lights even when other cars were waiting at intersections and nobody was traveling the way I was. He allowed me to be irrationally angry at a situation that doesn't really matter in the scheme of things and even helped me to cool down. He also kept me from the millions of cops that I saw because I was speeding a bit due to the rage boiling over inside of me. I don't think I've ever been so surprised by how G-d's worked in my life than I was that night.
After about 3 hours of homework, I woke up asleep at my computer. 5 hours later, I'm being woken up by about 12 alarms distributed throughout my room to ensure that I do, in fact, wake up and don't sleep through them. Went to class, no big deal.
Then, at my IT job, everything that could go wrong did. I rode on the elevator to the wrong floor while trying to take a computer to a teacher. That computer didn't work so I called my partner but accidentally ended up calling my boss. I ran upstairs, grabbed another one, took the stupid elevator again and went to the wrong floor, AGAIN! At some point I had to reimage a computer. Each time, it takes 30 minutes, and I had to do it twice because I thought I did it wrong. After talking to my partner, he confirmed it. (It turns out that computer was just broken too, so that made me feel a little bit better, but it was a whole day after that incident.)
So, after all of that nonesense, I went home and called my mom instead of going to the gym. We talked about my dating policies because I have recently been reconsidering my kissing thing but I don't know if that's just because I'm listening to country music or if it's because G-d is testing me or maybe He didn't even encourage me to make that policy. I don't know. So, we talked about her experiences and I asked questions I never thought I would ask ever, let alone to my mom... At some point I broke down and she encouraged me to have a boyfriend "just because they're fun and it would help you to understand more social cues." Seriously, that's what she said. We all know I'm not developed past a 5th grade social status, but I don't know that jumping into a random relationship would help that any.
The reason that came up though, is because I had breakfast with my best friend. This best friend is the same one that asked me out last year. I hadn't seen him in several months and when I did it was weird because he and my other friend were unpleased with each other so then I felt like I was running interference. But my crush that had been so difficult to get over suddenly hit me like a train at dinner. It was so weird. Plus, the waitress thought we were dating so she only gave us one ticket and he paid for me and that was really weird for me. So I brought all that to my mom and that made me start crying because I don't know what's happening. When I don't know what's happening in my own head/heart, I freak out and seriously question all of my life decisions.
Lately, G-d keeps showing me blog posts and random articles through Facebook, or some really unexpected places, about dating through a G-dly person's perspective. One such article can be found here. I strongly suggest that you read it because I thought I was some independent, strong-willed girl that didn't listen to Hollywood's fairy tales and the silliness that Disney movies try to feed us about "love". Turns out that I'm influenced heavily and it is not allowing me to hear G-d's voice about what He wants for me as a person that can potentially date. For now, I'm throwing out all of my past rules and I'm starting from scratch with what I pray is G-d's voice, ONLY. I guess we'll see where that leads because I'm totally in the dark. Also, it's making me freak out a bit more, but it's not as unsettling because I know G-d is in control and I'm not holding on for dear life. It's a faith exercise.
Speaking of exercise, I went to the gym a lot last week and got down to 5 pound lost total so far. This week, however, is not fairing so well with the exercising establishment because I'm plumb exhausted and a bit lazy this week. Hopefully I will find some motivation to go to the gym again. I'm getting better at distance running for longer times and also faster running. It makes me feel to much better to go do something that makes me sweat and gets my anxiousness out in a more productive way that causing me heart palpitations and mild panic attacks.
I think that's all I have for now. I should probably go study...
Daily Thanksgiving: G-d totally understands me even in my irrational anger. He is changing me for the better and stretching me in ways I didn't think were possible. I've lost 5 pounds and feel a bit better about myself. I'm looking forward to being able to run a whole mile in under 8 minute.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Boxers, a Chihuahua, and nearly a Birthday Suit
Oh man, I'm having such a weird week. First, I was working at my IT job earlier this week and saw this little critter run across my peripheral vision field. It turns out that someone brought their Chihuahua to school. I wasn't expecting that and got a little freaked out until I got to pet the little cutie. He was an ALS dog (not entirely certain but I think that means some kind of a service dog?) Then, a mere 5 minutes later, I found a pair of boxers in the hallway. They hadn't been there when I came in and I'm not sure how they got there but I figure somebody was likely having a bad day without them. Today I was at the campus gym, just minding my business, when the kid on the treadmill in front of my de-pantsed himself. I was certain that he had stripped down to his skin. Turns out that he just had really short shorts on. But goodness, I need a warning or something! He actually should do that in the bathroom instead of in public because I nearly freaked out. I don't want to see his Birthday Suit!
These are just a few of the oddball things that have recently occured, if I weren't so exhausted I'd probably remember more to share with you.
Tune in tomorrow to here about my first day of clinical lab! (Not clinicals, but I dressed in my whites and we are starting to learn nurse stuff!!!
Daily Thanksgiving: Although my week has been weird, it's been great. I've been able to laugh a lot off (that hasn't happened in several months) and I think I may be out of my depression valley for awhile. It's nice to come up and get some fresh air.
These are just a few of the oddball things that have recently occured, if I weren't so exhausted I'd probably remember more to share with you.
Tune in tomorrow to here about my first day of clinical lab! (Not clinicals, but I dressed in my whites and we are starting to learn nurse stuff!!!
Daily Thanksgiving: Although my week has been weird, it's been great. I've been able to laugh a lot off (that hasn't happened in several months) and I think I may be out of my depression valley for awhile. It's nice to come up and get some fresh air.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
I'm Back
It seems as though I've been neglecting this blog for quite sometime now! For some reason, it almost feels like I haven't been on in a few years, but it's only been a month at most.
Well, my life has been hectic. School let out the week before Christmas. So, I went from finals week, straight into an insane amount of work. I worked Christmas Eve night, then a double on Christmas, and finished it out with a "float" shift the next day. I was run ragged all three days, but I made close to $500 in just those 4 shifts because of overtime and holiday pay. Then, I kept booking myself for doubles on Sundays and I have my IT job every Monday and Tuesday of break. Needless to say, I am tired and ready for life to slow down. Will it? Not likely. However, I gave my last two IT shifts away and today is the last day I had signed up for my CNA job so I will be off all next week!
Did anyone else work on Christmas? Was it crazy? Mine was. Praise the L-rd I don't celebrate Christmas anymore because I would have been even grumpier than I already was. My day started out behind because one of the overnight people called in to QUIT when she was already 30 minutes late for her shift on Christmas Eve. So the next day, nobody was up or dressed because the girl they got to cover, refused to change or dress anyone. Thanks. As we were still rushing around to get people ready after breakfast had come and gone, the power went out. Super! Thankfully, it came on about 20 minutes later and didn't stay off for the 5 hours it had last time it went out. That was a really bad day. Nonetheless, we worked through it. Families were calling in from 6 a.m. on asking for their loved one to be dressed a certain way and ready by a certain time. Did the residents agree to this? Of course not. Did the families come at the expected times? Never. It was a minor dilemma though because most family members were in such a good mood due to the fact it was Christmas that they got their loved ones dressed themselves. That's the good thing about family coming in, the resident won't cooperate for us, but they will do anything for a familiar face. By the time my second shift rolled around, half of our patients were out with families and the other half were in food comas scattered about the common area. We got them into bed, my partner was super chill and allowed us to go slow and take our time instead of rushing everywhere to get the people to sleep and my day ended better than expected.
IT was so slow the first two weeks of school that I cleaned almost every class room that has computers in them. Then, this week, we got our new shipment of computers in. They are cool and extremely heavy. So heavy, in fact, that I hurt my back and could hardly walk. It was an injury that started at my CNA job and was exacerbated by IT. Worker's comp and injuries on the job are a HUGE hassle and I had no idea they got so complicated when working two jobs back-to-back. I'll fill you in more when I go talk to my manager today.
This next semester is exciting though! I start clinicals and have Health Promotion as well as Developmental Psych and Sociology (online). We will see how this goes! I love psychology and I'm excited to have two classes not entirely centered around nursing. Let me tell you, it's nice to meet people with different majors than nursing, especially when you are surrounded by the same 40 nursing students for 4 months straight. Maybe I'll meet some new friends! I desperatly need more in my life than nursing because I may start to get burnt out soon and I'm not even an RN yet. How sad would that be?
Well, my life has been hectic. School let out the week before Christmas. So, I went from finals week, straight into an insane amount of work. I worked Christmas Eve night, then a double on Christmas, and finished it out with a "float" shift the next day. I was run ragged all three days, but I made close to $500 in just those 4 shifts because of overtime and holiday pay. Then, I kept booking myself for doubles on Sundays and I have my IT job every Monday and Tuesday of break. Needless to say, I am tired and ready for life to slow down. Will it? Not likely. However, I gave my last two IT shifts away and today is the last day I had signed up for my CNA job so I will be off all next week!
Did anyone else work on Christmas? Was it crazy? Mine was. Praise the L-rd I don't celebrate Christmas anymore because I would have been even grumpier than I already was. My day started out behind because one of the overnight people called in to QUIT when she was already 30 minutes late for her shift on Christmas Eve. So the next day, nobody was up or dressed because the girl they got to cover, refused to change or dress anyone. Thanks. As we were still rushing around to get people ready after breakfast had come and gone, the power went out. Super! Thankfully, it came on about 20 minutes later and didn't stay off for the 5 hours it had last time it went out. That was a really bad day. Nonetheless, we worked through it. Families were calling in from 6 a.m. on asking for their loved one to be dressed a certain way and ready by a certain time. Did the residents agree to this? Of course not. Did the families come at the expected times? Never. It was a minor dilemma though because most family members were in such a good mood due to the fact it was Christmas that they got their loved ones dressed themselves. That's the good thing about family coming in, the resident won't cooperate for us, but they will do anything for a familiar face. By the time my second shift rolled around, half of our patients were out with families and the other half were in food comas scattered about the common area. We got them into bed, my partner was super chill and allowed us to go slow and take our time instead of rushing everywhere to get the people to sleep and my day ended better than expected.
IT was so slow the first two weeks of school that I cleaned almost every class room that has computers in them. Then, this week, we got our new shipment of computers in. They are cool and extremely heavy. So heavy, in fact, that I hurt my back and could hardly walk. It was an injury that started at my CNA job and was exacerbated by IT. Worker's comp and injuries on the job are a HUGE hassle and I had no idea they got so complicated when working two jobs back-to-back. I'll fill you in more when I go talk to my manager today.
This next semester is exciting though! I start clinicals and have Health Promotion as well as Developmental Psych and Sociology (online). We will see how this goes! I love psychology and I'm excited to have two classes not entirely centered around nursing. Let me tell you, it's nice to meet people with different majors than nursing, especially when you are surrounded by the same 40 nursing students for 4 months straight. Maybe I'll meet some new friends! I desperatly need more in my life than nursing because I may start to get burnt out soon and I'm not even an RN yet. How sad would that be?
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Finals Week Is Upon Us
Many of you out there are aware that it is finals week. Whether you are in school currently or not, it's all over my Facebook and I hope I'm not the only one. Due to this dreadful week, I have good news and bad news. Ready?
Bad:
I got a 76% on my pharmacology math final. That is because I did it mostly by hand and I'm sure my math was incorrect. So, I get a B- for that class. Moral of the story: before taking a math exam, MAKE SURE YOU HAVE PENCILS AND CALCULATOR IN BACKPACK/BAG!!! They were conveniently situated on my bedside table at home when I arrived at the final. Terrible, terrible day. I hate getting a bad grade when I knew the material but forgot my tools at home. Totally my bad, but it suck all the same.
I was unable to bring my Patho grade up beyond a B-. Again, my bad for slacking the first part of the semester.
Basic assessment class finishes with a B- due to unknown circumstances. Really, I had no idea what was going on in that course and we were not tested on anything that we were taught... I have good news about this class later.
I'm an all around grump for being mere fractions of percentages away from a straight up B but couldn't break through. That's so frustrating!
Good:
While I am disappointed with my Basic Assessment class overall, I did get a 90% on the final and a 99% on my final assessment evaluation! The teacher originally marked me as 100% because I think she likes me for some reason, but I admitted that I forgot one part so she took a point back. Still, I am so very pleased with that grade!!!
I got a B in Pharmacology! A 92% on my final made sure that I not only passed but I got a B instead of a C or that dreaded B-! Praise the L-rd for getting me through that class and giving me a gracious teacher that pretty much gave us a play-by-play study guide so we could rock the final. Plus, she let us use our books on the test before this. G-d certainly had his hand on my in that class because that was my most difficult one.
In my Foundations course, we have a final worth 10% of our overall grade, but even if I don't take it, I can get a solid B. I may not even show up tomorrow. Well, maybe I ought to, just so I know that I worked to try to get at least one A this semester. Sheesh, it's so disappointing to know that I will never be a 4.0 student EVER in my nursing school career, but hey, by the grace of G-d I may just graduate and pass the NCLEX. That, plus a caring heart and maybe a couple other things, will allow me to pursue my dream to become a full-fledged nurse. Mainly, that's what I want. The OCD side of me, though, wanted a 4.0. Unfortunately, that didn't even happen my first semester... Oh well.
Finally, I PASSED MY FIRST SEMESTER OF NURSING SCHOOL!!! Most people say it gets slightly easier after this because we are building on this first semester knowledge. I sure hope so.
Bad:
I got a 76% on my pharmacology math final. That is because I did it mostly by hand and I'm sure my math was incorrect. So, I get a B- for that class. Moral of the story: before taking a math exam, MAKE SURE YOU HAVE PENCILS AND CALCULATOR IN BACKPACK/BAG!!! They were conveniently situated on my bedside table at home when I arrived at the final. Terrible, terrible day. I hate getting a bad grade when I knew the material but forgot my tools at home. Totally my bad, but it suck all the same.
I was unable to bring my Patho grade up beyond a B-. Again, my bad for slacking the first part of the semester.
Basic assessment class finishes with a B- due to unknown circumstances. Really, I had no idea what was going on in that course and we were not tested on anything that we were taught... I have good news about this class later.
I'm an all around grump for being mere fractions of percentages away from a straight up B but couldn't break through. That's so frustrating!
Good:
While I am disappointed with my Basic Assessment class overall, I did get a 90% on the final and a 99% on my final assessment evaluation! The teacher originally marked me as 100% because I think she likes me for some reason, but I admitted that I forgot one part so she took a point back. Still, I am so very pleased with that grade!!!
I got a B in Pharmacology! A 92% on my final made sure that I not only passed but I got a B instead of a C or that dreaded B-! Praise the L-rd for getting me through that class and giving me a gracious teacher that pretty much gave us a play-by-play study guide so we could rock the final. Plus, she let us use our books on the test before this. G-d certainly had his hand on my in that class because that was my most difficult one.
In my Foundations course, we have a final worth 10% of our overall grade, but even if I don't take it, I can get a solid B. I may not even show up tomorrow. Well, maybe I ought to, just so I know that I worked to try to get at least one A this semester. Sheesh, it's so disappointing to know that I will never be a 4.0 student EVER in my nursing school career, but hey, by the grace of G-d I may just graduate and pass the NCLEX. That, plus a caring heart and maybe a couple other things, will allow me to pursue my dream to become a full-fledged nurse. Mainly, that's what I want. The OCD side of me, though, wanted a 4.0. Unfortunately, that didn't even happen my first semester... Oh well.
Finally, I PASSED MY FIRST SEMESTER OF NURSING SCHOOL!!! Most people say it gets slightly easier after this because we are building on this first semester knowledge. I sure hope so.
Friday, November 8, 2013
Several Rants, So I Broke Them Up
Folks, I have so much to say it's ridiculous. In order to decrease confusion r/t my long-windedness, I have decided to makes several posts, each labeled with their main topic. That way, you can easily navigate the page and not read my whole entire weeks novel just to get past what you weren't interested in, to get to what you were...
I apologize for today because this blog has turned into more of a diary as apposed to an actually helpful nursing blog. I'm hoping that useful stuff will happen to me regarding nursing school soon, starting next semester, but this semester is all about theory and YAWN!
So, the formatting on my actual blog may be kinda strange. Don't pay attention to the times it says that the posts were posted because I am trying to put this one first, which requires me to do some finagling with the times. Also, I love the word finagling.
Let's get this party started! A lot happened to me this week...
I apologize for today because this blog has turned into more of a diary as apposed to an actually helpful nursing blog. I'm hoping that useful stuff will happen to me regarding nursing school soon, starting next semester, but this semester is all about theory and YAWN!
So, the formatting on my actual blog may be kinda strange. Don't pay attention to the times it says that the posts were posted because I am trying to put this one first, which requires me to do some finagling with the times. Also, I love the word finagling.
Let's get this party started! A lot happened to me this week...
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
No Rest for the Weary
Class this morning went well. Nothing really new. I called my brother to come pick me up but his car died so I walked a mile... in flip flops... in snow flurries. I should have worn proper foot wear but I was late and wasn't expecting my extra little trek, nor was I expecting SNOW this early in the month! Got home, changed for lab and ate a little lunch. Go to lab, practice my assessment midterm. I don't think I did great even though my teacher said I did "perfect." She's nice, I like her. Mannequins, not so much, especially when they talk and I cannot find either radial pulse or the blood pressure sounds. I promise I know how to take blood pressure! Get home, drink a large cup of coffee with delicious creamer, eat some early dinner, and get to studying for the test due tonight. While my computer was turning on, I decided to lay down and wrap up in a blanket because I've been frozen since I got up this morning. 2 hours later I wake up slightly disoriented. Apparently my brother came in while I was asleep and had a conversation with me where I was slightly grouchy with him for turning on the lights. I remember about 5 seconds of said conversation, but it seemed like a dream. This is an issue. I normally don't sleep walk unless I'm beyond exhausted or extremely stressed out. I am both at this point in time so that explains it. Good thing I didn't sleep walk, I was just sleep talking.
Today was a struggle, but my mood is continually improving. Hopefully this St. John's Wort is working and it's not just a placebo effect that's going to drop off suddenly leaving me in a bigger mess than before. Maybe this boyfriend thing is being perpetuated by my self medication with this herb? Interesting. I doubt it, but I've noticed that when I get less stressed about life and school, I tend to start wanting a boyfriend because I have the notion that I can handle another major time-sucker in my life at the moment. That's probably a bad idea, huh?
I'll keep y'all updated on my status with this SJW supplement. So far I don't seem to have any adverse effects besides the whole boy conundrum.
Daily Thanksgiving: Life sucks and then it's over. Someday nursing school will be done and life will commence! Until that day, G-d is making me stronger even if it doesn't feel like it.
Today was a struggle, but my mood is continually improving. Hopefully this St. John's Wort is working and it's not just a placebo effect that's going to drop off suddenly leaving me in a bigger mess than before. Maybe this boyfriend thing is being perpetuated by my self medication with this herb? Interesting. I doubt it, but I've noticed that when I get less stressed about life and school, I tend to start wanting a boyfriend because I have the notion that I can handle another major time-sucker in my life at the moment. That's probably a bad idea, huh?
I'll keep y'all updated on my status with this SJW supplement. So far I don't seem to have any adverse effects besides the whole boy conundrum.
Daily Thanksgiving: Life sucks and then it's over. Someday nursing school will be done and life will commence! Until that day, G-d is making me stronger even if it doesn't feel like it.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
New Personal Record!!!
Woke up @ 7:04 a.m. because I set my alarms wrong...
Work is supposed to be @ 7:20, requiring me to leave by 7:10...
Dressed and in the car by 7:09 a.m. and clocked in at 7:24! (the clock is about 5 minutes fast, which my boss knows)
I'm sure I would have slept until about 10 if G-d wouldn't have woken me up and given me the adrenaline rush to get ready so quick.
Praise the L-rd for watching out for me in all areas of my life!!!
Work is supposed to be @ 7:20, requiring me to leave by 7:10...
Dressed and in the car by 7:09 a.m. and clocked in at 7:24! (the clock is about 5 minutes fast, which my boss knows)
I'm sure I would have slept until about 10 if G-d wouldn't have woken me up and given me the adrenaline rush to get ready so quick.
Praise the L-rd for watching out for me in all areas of my life!!!
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
C'est la vie...
I woke up and the day started like a normal day for me. Got ready and was fixin' to head out the door with my brother when he realized he couldn't find his wallet. We looked around for a bit but still could not find it so we decided I should drive. At this point, we are approximately 5-10 minutes behind schedule. I drop him off and as I am driving to my part of campus, I get pulled over.
"Ma'am, do you know what the campus speed limit is?"
"No, sir, I do not"
"It's 15 and you were going 25 when I clocked you. License, registration, and proof of insurance please."
Awesome! My first speeding ticket, I'm already late, and now I can't even find the car's registration because my brother is a pack rat and puts everything in weird places. It's only 9:30 and my day already sucks!
"Ma'am, I'll let you off with a warning because we haven't had to pull you over before but just know that for going 10 mph over the speed limit, your ticket would have been $100"
"I'm so sorry officer, thank you very much"
I walk into class 15 minutes late to find that there was an unannounced quiz. I go up to talk to the teacher who just says "sorry." I got back to my seat and wait for lecture to begin while trying to hold back the tears. With me, it has to be really bad for me to start tearing up in class, but I never cry if I can help it. Fortunately, I didn't cry. All through class, my brother had been texting me. I had turned my phone on silent so I didn't hear anything at all. I check my phone over our short break and 5 new texts and a phone call all from my brother. I wanted to explain what had happened so that he would realize that his problem of having to wait 2 hours was not as bad as all of my angering tragedies, but I didn't. Instead, I stayed calm, texted him to wait until my class was over and then I would take him home. He replied snottily and I felt like going off on him, but I remained calm still.
Class is over, so I head outside. I find my brother in the backseat because he had a bad day too. His bad day merely consisted of getting a 70% on a quiz, having to walk down to my part of campus, and then sitting in a hot car even though he definitely could have gone inside to where it is air conditioned. Guys, I STILL didn't go off on him! I calmly explained my morning: being late, getting pulled over, and getting a 0 on a quiz I didn't know we had because he would not just leave when I asked him to.
After lunch, I needed to pick up a penlight for my next class which is BHA lab. I left the house underestimating how long it would take to secure such an item. By this time I was 5 minutes late and I didn't have the parking pass that my brother and I share because I forgot it! So, I go to metered parking but I don't have any quarters. I drive around 3-4 times looking for a parking spot in the neighborhood close to the school and finally find one. A brisk walk up a large hill with flip-flops and I make it to lab sweating, out of breath, and 15 minutes late. Oy vey! I almost just didn't even go because I was so angry and frantic.
My professor for lab just happens to be the professor I have for the lecture I went to earlier in the day. She came over to me, and my heart started pumping so hard and fast. She leaned over and whispered, "You can come into my office tomorrow and retake that quiz." Let me tell you, those were such sweet words along with the cop just letting me off with a warning. I wasn't even worried about the quiz anymore, I didn't care at that point because it was already definitive for me, I missed the quiz and I'll just take a zero. I was also sure that I was going to get a ticket today. Instead, G-d had different plans for me with both of those. He gave the cop and my professor grace for me and allowed my day to be awful, but completely within His control. It was definitely a lesson in time management, anger, forgiveness, grace, and trust.
I would really like to go to bed now because I'm exhausted from having such a stressful day, but I have a million things due tomorrow so I had better get to work. C'est la vie, non? (FYI: "non" is how you spell and say "no" in French, it is pronounced just like our "no")
"Ma'am, do you know what the campus speed limit is?"
"No, sir, I do not"
"It's 15 and you were going 25 when I clocked you. License, registration, and proof of insurance please."
Awesome! My first speeding ticket, I'm already late, and now I can't even find the car's registration because my brother is a pack rat and puts everything in weird places. It's only 9:30 and my day already sucks!
"Ma'am, I'll let you off with a warning because we haven't had to pull you over before but just know that for going 10 mph over the speed limit, your ticket would have been $100"
"I'm so sorry officer, thank you very much"
I walk into class 15 minutes late to find that there was an unannounced quiz. I go up to talk to the teacher who just says "sorry." I got back to my seat and wait for lecture to begin while trying to hold back the tears. With me, it has to be really bad for me to start tearing up in class, but I never cry if I can help it. Fortunately, I didn't cry. All through class, my brother had been texting me. I had turned my phone on silent so I didn't hear anything at all. I check my phone over our short break and 5 new texts and a phone call all from my brother. I wanted to explain what had happened so that he would realize that his problem of having to wait 2 hours was not as bad as all of my angering tragedies, but I didn't. Instead, I stayed calm, texted him to wait until my class was over and then I would take him home. He replied snottily and I felt like going off on him, but I remained calm still.
Class is over, so I head outside. I find my brother in the backseat because he had a bad day too. His bad day merely consisted of getting a 70% on a quiz, having to walk down to my part of campus, and then sitting in a hot car even though he definitely could have gone inside to where it is air conditioned. Guys, I STILL didn't go off on him! I calmly explained my morning: being late, getting pulled over, and getting a 0 on a quiz I didn't know we had because he would not just leave when I asked him to.
After lunch, I needed to pick up a penlight for my next class which is BHA lab. I left the house underestimating how long it would take to secure such an item. By this time I was 5 minutes late and I didn't have the parking pass that my brother and I share because I forgot it! So, I go to metered parking but I don't have any quarters. I drive around 3-4 times looking for a parking spot in the neighborhood close to the school and finally find one. A brisk walk up a large hill with flip-flops and I make it to lab sweating, out of breath, and 15 minutes late. Oy vey! I almost just didn't even go because I was so angry and frantic.
My professor for lab just happens to be the professor I have for the lecture I went to earlier in the day. She came over to me, and my heart started pumping so hard and fast. She leaned over and whispered, "You can come into my office tomorrow and retake that quiz." Let me tell you, those were such sweet words along with the cop just letting me off with a warning. I wasn't even worried about the quiz anymore, I didn't care at that point because it was already definitive for me, I missed the quiz and I'll just take a zero. I was also sure that I was going to get a ticket today. Instead, G-d had different plans for me with both of those. He gave the cop and my professor grace for me and allowed my day to be awful, but completely within His control. It was definitely a lesson in time management, anger, forgiveness, grace, and trust.
I would really like to go to bed now because I'm exhausted from having such a stressful day, but I have a million things due tomorrow so I had better get to work. C'est la vie, non? (FYI: "non" is how you spell and say "no" in French, it is pronounced just like our "no")
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Nursing School is Finally Starting to Sink in!!!
Today was the first day of Basic Health Assessment lab. Let me tell you, I am finally starting to realize that I am in nursing school. The first two weeks was all talk and it makes it seem like I'm in the wrong career path. Finally having BHA lab for the first time, though, has reassured me that this occupation suits me. We learned all about stuff I had already learned in CNA school and what I had learned at the medical clinic I volunteer at, so it wasn't a whole lot of new info and it wasn't particularly exciting. That is okay by me, though, because it just makes school that much easier right now. Anywho, I am starting to do nursing stuff and we are learning assessment. CNA's don't do assessment which means that I am finally breaking free from being "just an aide."
Now, let's talk about that. I have heard so many people refer to nurses as "just a nurse." Even more people refer to aides as "just an aide." I have even caught myself doing it when I am talking about my own career or when someone asks me if I'm a nurse, I respond: "No, I'm just an aide." Folks, this should not be. My CNA schooling was only a month long course, but in that month I learned so much! I learned (and continue to learn) even more every day. Plus, I deal with the poop, pee, vomit, behaviors, punching, yelling, screaming, biting, scratching, and torture that is the care role of a Nurse Aide. Don't get me wrong, I do love the people I care for, but being a CNA is not even a little bit easy, especially in a nursing home where you are paid significantly less than you would be in a hospital setting. So to be referring to any aide as "just a CNA," is not giving our job and our title justice. How much more truth is there to saying that about an actual RN? Nursing school is BRUTAL!!! Learning how to be a nurse after graduation can be just as bad if not worse. Therefore, please work with me to stop ourselves from referring to ourselves or any other nurses as "just a nurse." We don't say, "he's just an engineer" or "they're just a dentist" or "she's just a lawyer," so why should we say "they're just a nurse?" (I was not trying to attach a specific gender to any particular occupation, I apologize if I sounded like ladies cannot be engineers or guys cannot be lawyers, that was not my intention.)
Off to do my homework: completing an assessment at home... My poor brother gets to be assessed every week, but he's a good guinea pig.
Daily Thanksgiving: My BHA and Foundations of Nursing teachers (same lady) is so adorable, funny, and kind. Also, I was able to make it into her BHA lab instead of having a different instructor for lab! She is allowing us to take open book tests online too!!! Ya, that took away a ton of stress (I dislike tests, I'm not so good at them.) Today is over and tomorrow I have 2 simple classes. The third week of school is blowing by! If only the bad stuff could always go by this quickly but the fun stuff could slow down so I can savor it... G-d has showed me 2 churches to go to and I am going to start the 2nd church this week. It is a college group and so I hope it is talking about deeper stuff that is more relevant to us instead of the typical, simpler Sunday morning messages I keep getting (I go Saturday nights but it's the same message.)
Now, let's talk about that. I have heard so many people refer to nurses as "just a nurse." Even more people refer to aides as "just an aide." I have even caught myself doing it when I am talking about my own career or when someone asks me if I'm a nurse, I respond: "No, I'm just an aide." Folks, this should not be. My CNA schooling was only a month long course, but in that month I learned so much! I learned (and continue to learn) even more every day. Plus, I deal with the poop, pee, vomit, behaviors, punching, yelling, screaming, biting, scratching, and torture that is the care role of a Nurse Aide. Don't get me wrong, I do love the people I care for, but being a CNA is not even a little bit easy, especially in a nursing home where you are paid significantly less than you would be in a hospital setting. So to be referring to any aide as "just a CNA," is not giving our job and our title justice. How much more truth is there to saying that about an actual RN? Nursing school is BRUTAL!!! Learning how to be a nurse after graduation can be just as bad if not worse. Therefore, please work with me to stop ourselves from referring to ourselves or any other nurses as "just a nurse." We don't say, "he's just an engineer" or "they're just a dentist" or "she's just a lawyer," so why should we say "they're just a nurse?" (I was not trying to attach a specific gender to any particular occupation, I apologize if I sounded like ladies cannot be engineers or guys cannot be lawyers, that was not my intention.)
Off to do my homework: completing an assessment at home... My poor brother gets to be assessed every week, but he's a good guinea pig.
Daily Thanksgiving: My BHA and Foundations of Nursing teachers (same lady) is so adorable, funny, and kind. Also, I was able to make it into her BHA lab instead of having a different instructor for lab! She is allowing us to take open book tests online too!!! Ya, that took away a ton of stress (I dislike tests, I'm not so good at them.) Today is over and tomorrow I have 2 simple classes. The third week of school is blowing by! If only the bad stuff could always go by this quickly but the fun stuff could slow down so I can savor it... G-d has showed me 2 churches to go to and I am going to start the 2nd church this week. It is a college group and so I hope it is talking about deeper stuff that is more relevant to us instead of the typical, simpler Sunday morning messages I keep getting (I go Saturday nights but it's the same message.)
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Maybe you're just confused...
Full moon = craziness at work for the entire week! It was made worse by the fact that I worked 3 scheduled doubles and another single shift. Then they called me in for another single shift (bringing the total up to a whopping 8 shifts in 1 week) but I was the only CNA when there are usually 3... Needless to say I was livid, grouchy, and I am currently burnt out at this job.
Good news, though, there is an opening for the mother baby floor at a local hospital (the one that hired me the same time I got hired at this old folks' home) and it's PRN too! The only down side is that their orientation is a week long and I have school that I cannot miss. So, I will call them about it and apply in November so that I can hopefully do the orientation over winter break and get set up in the hospital!
A thing that I have recently noticed about nurses, however, is that many of them (us) have diarrhea of the mouth. This means that we say really stupid things and have to remove our foot from our oral orifices on numerous occasions each day. I have also recently discovered that I have a relatively thin skin and can get easily offended when someone questions my intelligence. What brought about this discovery? Oh, years of being questioned and targeted as people's mission in churches when I discussed my questions concerning doctrines of the church that I do not see as being congruent or found in the Bible. What brought it up recently? My charge nurse telling me that I'm confused about my belief system because I believe in Jesus but don't celebrate the Jesus holidays (Christian holidays). I made the mistake of telling people at work (only when they ask) that I celebrate the "Jewish" holidays that Yeshua (Jesus) celebrated instead of celebrating the Christian holidays like Easter and Christmas.
My little spiel begins with asking all of you to please not assume that I took the change lightly. Going from celebrating Christian holidays all my life to doing the Biblical ("Jewish") holidays was not a change that occurred spontaneously. I don't do anything spontaneously, at all! I resist change, I research all areas of life that I don't understand, and I am too scared of life and possible consequences of any action to even leave my house most days or have any human interaction. (I believe that may have been a run-on... I am very sorry. I tend to have run-on's in my rants.) So, for someone to tell me that I am confused and laugh in my face in front of fellow employees/friends when that person is the one asking me questions about what I believe is unacceptable. Don't tell me what I know and what I don't. Don't tell me that I don't know something that I have actually researched for years on end. Oh man, you can tell me a lot of stuff, but don't tell me what to do with my life and don't tell me that I don't know my own beliefs.
Now I am working on forgiveness... I think this came about from asking G-d to teach me to forgive and to be more compassionate and patient. If you ask for these things, which you should because it's good to be working on these things with G-d, but be ready for a rough life for the next few weeks/months. Man alive! This simple little request has made my summer very trying indeed!
In completely unrelated news, I went to church today. It was really short, only an hour and a half! I am used to being at congregation for 5-7 hours because I get there way early to help set-up, then leave really late after everything is cleaned and put away. I don't know if I will continue to go there because I was actually meaning to go to another church but got confused so I improvised and tried a different one. Long story short, it was an okay service, but I am going to go the the one I originally was going to go to because my mentor recommended it and it is supposed to have a pretty good worship service Friday nights.
School starts Monday and I already have homework due the first day of class. 'Nough said.
Good news, though, there is an opening for the mother baby floor at a local hospital (the one that hired me the same time I got hired at this old folks' home) and it's PRN too! The only down side is that their orientation is a week long and I have school that I cannot miss. So, I will call them about it and apply in November so that I can hopefully do the orientation over winter break and get set up in the hospital!
A thing that I have recently noticed about nurses, however, is that many of them (us) have diarrhea of the mouth. This means that we say really stupid things and have to remove our foot from our oral orifices on numerous occasions each day. I have also recently discovered that I have a relatively thin skin and can get easily offended when someone questions my intelligence. What brought about this discovery? Oh, years of being questioned and targeted as people's mission in churches when I discussed my questions concerning doctrines of the church that I do not see as being congruent or found in the Bible. What brought it up recently? My charge nurse telling me that I'm confused about my belief system because I believe in Jesus but don't celebrate the Jesus holidays (Christian holidays). I made the mistake of telling people at work (only when they ask) that I celebrate the "Jewish" holidays that Yeshua (Jesus) celebrated instead of celebrating the Christian holidays like Easter and Christmas.
My little spiel begins with asking all of you to please not assume that I took the change lightly. Going from celebrating Christian holidays all my life to doing the Biblical ("Jewish") holidays was not a change that occurred spontaneously. I don't do anything spontaneously, at all! I resist change, I research all areas of life that I don't understand, and I am too scared of life and possible consequences of any action to even leave my house most days or have any human interaction. (I believe that may have been a run-on... I am very sorry. I tend to have run-on's in my rants.) So, for someone to tell me that I am confused and laugh in my face in front of fellow employees/friends when that person is the one asking me questions about what I believe is unacceptable. Don't tell me what I know and what I don't. Don't tell me that I don't know something that I have actually researched for years on end. Oh man, you can tell me a lot of stuff, but don't tell me what to do with my life and don't tell me that I don't know my own beliefs.
Now I am working on forgiveness... I think this came about from asking G-d to teach me to forgive and to be more compassionate and patient. If you ask for these things, which you should because it's good to be working on these things with G-d, but be ready for a rough life for the next few weeks/months. Man alive! This simple little request has made my summer very trying indeed!
In completely unrelated news, I went to church today. It was really short, only an hour and a half! I am used to being at congregation for 5-7 hours because I get there way early to help set-up, then leave really late after everything is cleaned and put away. I don't know if I will continue to go there because I was actually meaning to go to another church but got confused so I improvised and tried a different one. Long story short, it was an okay service, but I am going to go the the one I originally was going to go to because my mentor recommended it and it is supposed to have a pretty good worship service Friday nights.
School starts Monday and I already have homework due the first day of class. 'Nough said.
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