Mass Migration

Maybe it's just summer coming to a close and people are trying to move, in between school years and vacations. Maybe it's just because I perceive things that aren't actually there. Who knows? But it seems as though there is a mass migration of people to Home State. Everybody is snatching up all of the houses for rent in Home Town and College Town and I have no hope. I have been house hunting for over 2 months and cannot pin down a blessed place!!!

Best Friend has been going back and forth between wanting to live with me, and deciding that's a bad idea since I told him I might be moving back here. Once I finally started applying to jobs here, he suggested we go ahead and live together. Once I got the job, however, he told me he couldn't live with me because he didn't want to "fall in love with me". So I got frustrated with the fact that I had a housing situation partially set up, then he bailed.

I have been actively online and physically searching for a house since I got back to Home State. I set up my budget and got everything lined out to try to afford the inflated prices of this terrible town by myself.

Sunday night Best Friend texted me saying he decided he wanted to live with me after all. He told me to cancel all of the meetings I had to see other housing arrangements so that we could go see houses together. I told him I would not cancel those meetings because I had been working for months to secure any kind of a house visitation that didn't get rented before I even showed up the next day. He started searching for houses and it became apparent, really quickly, that we needed: opposite sides of town, different needs for our dogs, and had vastly different budgets. I kept poking holes in the houses he sent me, because they would not work. He kept sending me houses that I knew had already been rented because I had seen them weeks ago and called on them already. He didn't believe me, called them, and got angry when the house manager confirmed that those houses had already been rented. I don't know why he wouldn't believe me on these things, but he didn't. We looked for houses online for about 3 days, I called most of them because he was at work, and at the end of the 3 days I was so frustrated and upset that I finally called the whole thing off.

However, I had already cancelled one of my meetings to rent a room from a friend who bought a house last summer. I texted that friend and told him I was thinking of trying to find a place with a friend so as not to put him out. He told me it wouldn't be a bother, and he wished me well anyway. He and I have planned to hang out at some point this week, after my orientation days, so I'm sure he will ask about my housing situation then and I can bring it up again. I don't know how that will go though.

All I need is a room to rent so I can sleep!!! I won't hardly ever be there because I'm going to be working 6 days a week!!!

I've prayed and asked the L-rd for help, knowing that He doesn't make a major move until last minute. I don't appreciate the last minute move, but I've seen Him work enough miracles, and test my faith enough that I can suspect this may be what He's doing again. The struggle it is to be me with my faith being tested on a daily basis!!!

I'm glad I stayed true to my boundaries with Best Friend though.

Guys, I need a house for my dog and I!!! I need for everyone in the world to not be moving here and driving prices up while taking all of our jobs and houses!!! I need just a little peace in this whole whirlwind of a seemingly foolish choice. G-d wouldn't have made the move so easy, and allowed me to get 2 part-time jobs so easily without it being His will, would He? When I'm working against G-d there is normally impossible hurdles to overcome and many obstacles to let me know it is not His will. Getting here, being let out of my lease, quitting my job; all of those came easily. Obtaining 2 new jobs with kind managers that allow me to work both places happened easily too. Why can I not find a house? A simple place to sleep for my dog and I? Somewhere where I won't have to drive 2 hours in traffic to get to work and get home from work.

Folks, that's right, I am now driving 2 hours, IN TRAFFIC, to get to work and home from work. I can't be doing that when I begin the full-time floor orientation hours! I don't get enough sleep after a 12 hour shift as it is, no way I could manage working 6 twelve's and still manage to drive 4 hours every day in RUSH HOUR traffic!!!!!

What was I thinking to move back here? I'm such a fool. How is it that G-d is going to use this for His good? How is it that this is just a faith test and everything will work out soon. Will it work out soon?

I miss my friends. I miss my dog (who's staying at my mom's friend's house). I miss my babies and watching them grow up. I miss Small Town, and the small life I built there.

Just as I miss so many things, I don't miss many others; the workplace bullying, constant stress at work from coworkers and lack of management of our unit, the stress of having doctors yell at us constantly, worrying about being 8 hours away from my family all the time, Mema being upset with me all the time and going through her bipolar emotional waves, not being able to see my mom, frustrated with the lack of support and technology at work to help me take care of my babies. Some of these problems will be present wherever I go, but many of them are never as bad as they were in Small Town because Small Town people have never experienced anything other than nurses eating their young, emotional blowouts and yelling matches on the unit where people are expected to deal with it or literally move units, and various other unacceptable things that are not allowed in bigger town hospitals. I'm excited to see what it's like working in the hospitals I did my clinicals at, to see how patient care and employee relationships differ from the nonsense that took place in Small Town. I'm also interested to see how doctors treat the nurses, after being in constant fear of being yelled at by the doctors and practitioners in my first unit. this will all be very interesting, for sure.




Guys, if you happen to think of me during your times of prayer, maybe help me in petitioning G-d for a solid roommate situation or a good house for low rent. I'm really needing some help. Also, if you could maybe think to ask for me to move from Mom/Baby into L&D real quick too, that would be wonderful.

Bless you all and I hope y'all's summers are more relaxing and less chaotic than mine!

Imposter Syndrome

For as long as I can remember, I have felt out of place. I'm out of place working in the NICU, in school, in Small Town, in Home Town, among "friends", with my own family (especially extended family). I know I'm not the only one, but it's highly unsettling to feel like you don't belong anywhere.

Well, it hit me like a freight train last night at a small family gathering I attended to celebrate a few family birthdays. I show up and I know most everybody there, but a couple of my very own cousins are people I've never met before. THEY'RE MY OWN AGE!!! How have I not met them before??? Doesn't matter, I don't belong here anyway. The family that is so tight-knit here all lived in this town for a couple decades now. I've only been here for about 10 months. Of course I'm not going to be used to this side of the family because they never came up to Home State for anything, so we only saw them on the rare occasion that my little nuclear family made it down to Small Town. This, was not a frequent even because my dad despises it down here and doesn't like this side of the family (his side, btw). Sigh.



I mentioned that my Mema's sister is the DON for my floor of the hospital right? She's the one who let me come and shadow in L&D and NICU throughout college and then offered me a NICU position. Well, seeing as she's my boss, I have decided to not really mention that I am looking for employment else where. Who in their right mind would? Unfortunately, I may have mentioned to Mema that I was applying to a local nursing program in order to work as a clinical instructor or professor aide. I'm a fucking idiot for doing such a foolish thing. Last night at the dinner, which just so happened to be at Mema's Sister's house, Mema decided it would be a good conversation to bring up that I was applying for this university position. WHY ON EARTH WOULD THIS SEEM LIKE A GOOD CONVERSATION TO HAVE AT A FAMILY GET-TOGETHER??? AND WITH MY BOSS???!!!??? I get that they are sisters and there was a lul in the conversation, but that's not Mema's information to be sharing and that is not an appropriate time!

Mema keeps calling my mom "to visit" and check in on her. Fine, that's expected. However, she also keeps making things up about me and my life in order to be discussing it with my mom during said "visits". I recently shared slight concern over lack of days that I get to work, so she called my mom almost immediately and told my mom that "I am very worried about work, worried sick!". My mom, being my best buddy and knowing that we don't believe everything we hear, texted me with said information. I then got to reassure my mom that I am not super concerned, more peeved than anything, and I reiterated that she (Mom) and I had already discussed my lack of hours and next career choices in depth. She, of course, already knew all of these things because I call my Mom pretty much every day. But why does that seem like news that would be Mema's place to share? It's not! This is why I don't tell her secrets or anything that is of any worth, she spreads it to everyone, degrades me and complains about me to the whole family, then gets upset when I don't live at her house, spend every free moment with her, and want to move away from her town. I can feel my blood pressure rising just recounting the various other times this type of situation has come up with her.

She told my mom that I was considering moving to a Huge Southern City to go to midwifery school, then proceeded to bash said city to mom. Not her place to share such info, especially when I was telling her things like "I might go back to school, such and such place has a pretty good program, it wouldn't be for another few years... etc... etc... etc..." What happened? Mema called mom and told her I was planning to move ASAP and was unhappy here in Small Town and went on to say she (Mema) regretted ever talking me into coming down here."

I told you about her meeting with exfiance where she sent my mom a text disowning me and telling my mom that I was pretty much a failure, right? She also sent me a hatemail letter informing my family she would never go camping again (because that's where I introduced her to exfiance, stupid choice on my behalf I know). She then got upset with me for not wanting to live with her (she told my mom in the text that I was uninvited from staying at her house anyway) and she got PISSED when nobody wanted to go camping with her this summer, myself included. Duh! You told my family that you wouldn't ever go camping with us again because I'm such a fucking failure at life!!! I get that exfiance was evil to the core and terrible to everyone. However, do you not remember that you married not one, but 2 of them??? Why would you not help me out of a bad situation by being there for me instead of disowning me and spreading rumors behind my back to my entire family (extended and immediate) so that I now have nobody but my parents and my brother? (my dad doesn't even know what happened still).



Some days I wish I was born into a family who was closer to the cousins, grandparents, and entire family. Those days are few and fleeting. After most family gatherings/functions, I recall the simpleness that comes from having the closest family members 2-8 hours away and I count it a blessing to not have an Everybody Loves Raymond situation going on. Small Town got me close to being Raymond, but I keep my doors locked and my house appears to have nobody living in it, even when I'm home for weeks on end because I can't even go to work...



I don't belong here. "Be in the world, not of the world" Can there be a friends clause or some type of support group for those of us stuck in the world but with no connections or need to stay here? Maybe a vacation visa to leave the world for awhile? Something???!!!???

Recap

It's been awhile since I've posted, I noticed that today... Sorry about that everyone.

Let's recap over the past several days that I have not been writing about my "facinating" life:

• I nearly quit after being made fun of and ignored for an entire night at work. Labs were taken down, except for mine... My CBC coagulated and had to be redrawn by day shift because I played RT, and nobody took down my labs even though one nurse took down everyone else's and showed back up to the unit as I was headed down for my measly 3 labs... I attempted to help keep a child from dying and was made fun of TO. MY. FACE. by a nurse who is consistently hateful to all of us new girls and various people around the hospital, as well as an RT who most everyone has a hard time with, seeing as the nights that he is on, we are our own RT's... You can see my shock when I was mocked for turning up oxygen, suctioning, and attempting to straighten the tubing on a vent kid that was desating to the 60's before grabbing her nurse. It was an awful shift. I went home and broke down before sleeping and losing it with my new nurse friends.
• Work was redeemed the next shift I had because I got not one, but THREE compliment cards and a backpack! The week before I had gotten a coffee cup for being "flexible" and willing to come in on my day off from a last-minute call, for a shift I never signed up for.
• I worked Thanksgiving, which turned out going really well. Mom came down from Home State and it was so wonderful having her here! She cleaned my kitchen while I was at work. I had tried my hardest to have my house clean by the time she got here, but it simply didn't happen. My Mema housed My dad's two brothers and their families for Thanksgiving. So I got to visit with much of my family and it was absolutely wonderful! I didn't spend as much time with them as I had wanted to, but I was working most of the time they were here. Sometimes being a nurse is a huge inconvenience and slightly painful, because I miss out on some of my favorite opportunities to have precious moments with family, but there are many sacrifices with being a nurse. For now, while I have no children, I will survive the sacrifices. My family knows I'm working hard and Someday, I will have many many favors saved up and hopefully people will be more than willing to help me because I have helped them. This has backfired many times before... it will likely backfire again. Life goes on and I will know I did everything I could, within reason, to 1) keep boundaries and also 2) be a team player.
• Oh, and I began watching the Gilmore Girls series on Netflix. How have I lived without this show my whole life??? My babysitter used to watch it every afternoon, but I would go upstairs and watch 7th Heaven. What a delightful, hilarious show! I'm so glad Netflix has brought the blessing of Lorlai and Rory to my consciousness. So glad I don't live in the Ivy League and rich people lifestyle. My goodness, I could not do it. 
• Guys, I got a haircut!!! I look like I'm halfway between Tris and Jennifer Lawrence. I look a little boyish, to be honest, but I also have not worn makeup with the hair yet. I'l test it out and let you know how it goes. Mostly, I like not having to put my hair up and it's nice to blow it dry and have it take less than 30-45 minutes to get it dry to then have to straighten it. Plus, my curl/wave is working with the cut and actually enhances it. I don't even have to straighten my hair if I don't want to.

Suddenly Lonely

I was doing well being here in Small Town. I was beginning to make friends, look forward to things other than work and support group, and I'm even beginning to get my house unpacked. Yes, I have been living in Small Town for about 6 months and I have only unpacked the things that I use...

The closer we get to Thanksgiving, the more I'm missing my Mom. I miss Dad and Brother too, but I'm so close to my Mom. I was going about a week or two without talking to any of my family members, but about a month ago, phone calls to Mom starting coming on nearly every day or two. That's usually about the time I knew it was time to go visit home or have Mom come have lunch with me in College Town.

After calling Dad yesterday and learning that he wasn't able to come down to visit for Thanksgiving, I tried calling Mom but she didn't answer. I called Brother today, twice, but he's still not answering. Seeing as he just got a new girlfriend and his track record for doing family things when he has friends and their families... I'm thinking the odds of him coming down are pretty slim as well.

*sigh*

So, I'm excited for Mom to come down and to also see my other Home State family who are hoping to come down to visit Mema. I hope they get to come down. Somehow, youngest uncle keeps missing family functions with an explanation that he has to work. Mema has recently mentioned that she is not particularly pleased with him at the moment. She also made some comments about exboyfriend that made me think that the rumor has finally reached the family about him getting talked to by the police and probably arrested under sexual assault charges, that were dropped.

I don't know what's going on. Oh the joys of having a family who talks about nothing with the people going through things, but gossip and speculations spread like wildfire. Along with the gossip, comes believing and siding with non-family members, depending on the story that gets told and from whom they hear said tale. Thus resulting in family splitting, rifts, and silent treatments.

The pull for me to find a guy and settle down is not strengthened by current circumstances... if that tells you anything...

LC'd

We have a "fun" term at my new hospital called "LC". It means I get to be on-call all night because there weren't enough babies for me to come into work, but they want me on stand-by just in case something comes up. Normally, they send out a text to see if anyone would prefer to take it. Tonight I got told.

I shouldn't complain, because it's nice to not have to worry about work for a night. However, I know lots of the girls who would love to have an LC night because they have kids and husbands and lives. Me, on the other hand, live to work right now. I have student loans coming up soon (like the next couple of weeks), and bills to pay... by myself. I don't have a spouse to cover me and working is not something that I do as a way to occupy myself or to gain accolades at various social gathering through the year.

No, I am blessed to be able to have a career that matches my desires to care for babies, but I also have to work in order to support myself. I live on a budget, and I have a dog who depends on me to give her food. Granted, I kinda forget to feed her occasionally, but she's not starving to death because I cannot afford to buy her food and she has a tendency to eat a lot of my food. She works it out.

Guys, I'm getting mildly frustrated with my new job. I love the work itself, it's just the politics of the new hospital that are going to kill me. Some days, I am convinced that I get the shitty assignments because I am a new employee and a baby nurse. I will take those with a smile, though I'm gritting my teeth. I suffer through the night and figure out a way to get all my work done without complaining because that is what they expect. Then, there are nights where I am almost certain I can see the rage in some nurse's eyes, and it's directed at me. Did I mention that I'm new? Did I also mention that many of the girls think the only reason I got the job is because my Mema is a NICU nurse at Small Town Hospital and her sister just so happens to be the Director of Nursing for our floor?...

So here I am, a newbie ripe for the hazing, with a target already on my back because my great-aunt gave me the job. Who cares that a HUGE hospital and university chain offered me an interview just after I had already accepted the job here? I didn't want to burn familial bridges by backing out all of a sudden. Who cares that I've been dreaming and working towards coming down here for THREE YEARS NOW!? What does it matter that I grit my teeth through all feedings being at the same time and being assigned three babies that should not be 1) assigned together and 2) each of them needs to be assigned alongside a super easy baby so that the nurse has any hope of getting through the day. I have had assignments all through orientation that the seasoned nurses refused to accept because they knew their day would suck and be impossible to make it through. The only reason I survived the day is because I was paired with a seasoned nurse that helped me through.

What happened to nurses not hazing the newbies? One of the blogs I read had a post about new nurses toughening up, not whining, and if life is so terrible at the hospital you are at, find another job. Thing is, they suckered me into signing a contract before I ever set foot on the floor... I'll know that next time, that's a trap. There's a reason they need nurses to sign on for a certain number of years and that is because their retention rates are CRAP!!! Why? Well, you've got 4 new nurses to the unit who are all thinking about quitting because the social aspect is complete shit. Charge nurses who will legitimately give you assignments out of spite and talk shit behind your back, only for other nurses to bring these awful details to your attention, to your face. That's just asking for trouble.

Yes, we are working with the DON on some of these issues. However, that brings up a whole new problem for me because if I go to her, they will think I'm being favorited and I will be completely screwed. So, I will stick to the method of sucking it up and dealing with it for 1-2 instances. Then, I will ask for a change of assignment and perhaps inform the other party that I feel I am being treated unfairly. Then, and only then, I will go to our manager. If it doesn't go anywhere by then, I'll go to my great-aunt.

Ugh, I'm fixin' to just call everybody out back and we can handle this like men. This middle school girl bullshit is enough to make a person move to another state.

Struggle of This New Nurse

As my orientation season begins to wrap up, I can't help but think about how I felt when I started, and also how I'm not sure I can do it on my own. So far I can get the basics down, but there is always someone watching me and right next to me.

When I need another syringe, they are right there supervising and will run and get it. They are there to answer my millions of questions, without me ever having to leave the baby's bedside. They help one mom breastfeed as I assess and situate the next baby on my assignment list. They make milk, give baths, and do all of the cares that I cannot seem to fit into my work list because I am still slow in the tasks I do as I begin to figure out my muscle memory and routines. They help remind me when I have a med to give, I need to look at labs, and they help me be able to talk to the providers (NNP and neonatalogists) so that I do not get eaten alive just yet.

As I begin to get down the basics, I'm finding more and more that I am so far from knowing how to be a nurse on my own. Orientation for me ends at the end of September. I finished my last day shift orientation yesterday and I begin night shift orientation on Sunday...

To say "the struggle is real" is an understatement.

As I go about learning the ins and outs of a "typical" day, I have found some serious things I struggle with:

1. Breastfeeding. I don't have children. I don't know what it is like to breastfeed. I try to learn what I can from the nurses I am precepting under, but I feel terribly unqualified. When parents and grandparents of the babies ask if I have kids, I have to shamefully respond that I do not. That is followed with them asking how old I am and how much schooling I have left... Apparently the make-up I decided to start wearing so parents wouldn't be freaked out with how young I am, isn't working at all.
2. Families. The baby's families scare me. For every sweet, loving, adoring, easy family, there is an equally "different" family just down the hall. The kind of family that tells you they were a NICU nurse at the hospital I work at, but after further investigation you learn they were in the float pool and only floated the NICU one night to act as our unit secretary because we were severely short-staffed. There are families where we worry if the parents are on too many pain killers because they are falling asleep holding their 3 pound baby and asking the same question over and over. There are the families that we wonder about the safety of the mom because the dad is overbearing and there are signs of domestic violence. Parents who don't seem interested in the child. Women who tell the staff they will be adopting a baby that is in our NICU, throw a fit when they are not allowed to see said baby because we have no paperwork to say they will be the kid's guardian, and then we find out later there was never a plan for this lady to ever be involved in the care of the kid. Now, many of these situations are simply the stories from the nurses I've worked with, but I have experienced some of them between the few hospitals I worked at in Home State and now Small Town Hospital. Parents/family members scare me!  They blame us for what has happened to the baby even when the kid would have died if we didn't come help. They get upset with us for a positive drug screen in a 2 hour old infant, but I know we aren't the ones doing drugs through the pregnancy... I get that many of them are scare, and coping (though not always effectively coping), and they are in a situation that was unexpected and stressful. I get that. But I need serious practice with the parents and family members.
3. Time management. As soon as I feel like I get caught up, a kid pukes, poops, pees, or the family comes in and puts me right back to being behind. Through in a child needing a bath and bed change and I don't know how I will ever do it without having my preceptor there to help me out.
4. Remembering all of the "little" things. Little things like checking the med list for the babies every time I do an assessment so that I'm not late with antibiotics. Knowing how to give certain medications... Knowing who to ask for, how to ask, and what to do when I am needing a certain supply. Remembering the normal vital ranges and care tasks for babies when I am still so used to adult numbers and cares. 
5. Staying out of the cliques. Now, this one is a little different for me because I already have a target on my back. My grandmother (Mema) works in the NICU at my hospital. She has been there for years and years and years. My great aunt (Mema's sister) is the DON of the floor containing the NICU, L&D, the women's med/surg specialty floor, newborn nursery, and other various similar care departments. She is also the one who does the hiring and runs the meetings... So, you can see how many of the girls on the floor could be concerned and upset with me working there. Throw in the fact that night-shift NICU crew is known throughout the hospital for being ridiculously "cliquey" and I already starting with a handful of major disadvantages. So, while I need to work on time-management and all of these other things so that I can be "on-time" with all of the tasks I need to do, I am so very grateful that I am slow and always having something to do to stay busy because it keeps me from even being in a place where I could have downtime to have to talk with the girls. Maybe, by the time I get to a place where I am okay at being a NICU nurse, I will be so used to being busy that I will remain out of the clique scene all-together and nobody will ever know that there is another way for it to be.

So, here I am, about to be pushed off a cliff. Time to see if I will sink or swim.

Thing Are Getting Better!

This last weekend, Mom and I traveled down to Small Town (where I recently got hired) in order to find a house. I was highly encouraged over the past few weeks from looking at Craigslist. On Craigslist, there seemed to be no end to the amount of cute little houses, with backyards, that were available for rent at cheap prices!

I come from a place that has a lot of people migrating here, and house prices are skyrocketing! It's getting so bad that a 1 bedroom apartment needs about 2-10 people living in it, just to make the rent. I'm not even talking about the nice ones! Naturally, this is an exaggeration, but it's also, sadly, not too far from the truth.

So, when online searches produced many, many cute little houses for my dog and I, I was stoked! Pictures were beautiful, they are close to the hospital, and my heart was soaring at the thought of being able to start my life out with a house.

As it turns out, those houses were crap. I don't know when the pictures were taken, but I'd imagine they were taken about 15 years ago when the house used to be in decent condition. By the time I got there, windows were broken, the house smelled like a racoon up and died in the living room, and I was warned several times about mice making their home in my home...

I don't know about you, but these are kind of deal breakers.

So, after 3 days of literally driving up and down every single street... I was about to give up. I tried to stay cheery so that my Mema (who was helping us navigate the town) and my Mom would not know that I was getting irritated and I was passed my wit's end. Mema told me she thought I was taking the news rather well, and that I always seemed to look at the bright side of this situation. Little did she know, I was fixin' to pull out my hair because it was so frustrating!

Regardless, my mom and I decided it would be okay to stay one extra day to keep looking, just in case. At about 6 at night, we ran across this cute little house. It was rough looking on the outside and there was no "for rent" sign out front, just a small add in the local paper. We called the number and asked if he would be willing to meet with us. He told us it would be 30 minutes. Well, we were already about an hour and a half from the time Mema had supper ready, but we had called her earlier to tell her to not wait to eat with us and to warn her we would probably be late. She told us to do what we needed to do and that supper would be there for us when we were ready.

I looked to Mom and told her it would be a half hour as I silently shook my head to see what she wanted to do. She was enthusiastically saying that we needed to at least see the inside of the house, just to be absolutely sure that I didn't want to live there.

We waited the 30 minutes and a gentleman pulled up in a nice SUV with a woman in the passenger seat. He greeted us and opened the door...

Y'all, that house was beautiful! Wood floors, 2 bed/2 bath/2 car garage, BIG backyard (for the dog), a storage shed out back, a family room, a living room, massive closets, and... wait for it... a massive southern country kitchen!!!!! There is a little laundry room, central heat/air (big deal for where I'm headed because it gets hella hot mighty early), and it's in excellent shape. I even have rose bushes out front! This was a silent desire I had, because I love fresh flowers in the house and I want to get into gardening because I keep "craving" to do something with my hands on my "bad" days. Plus, there is a Chick-fil-a that I can see from my backyard!!! All I have to do is open the back door, go through my back gate in my fence that leads to a little alley, and I'm right in the Chick-fil-a parking lot! The fence is an extra high privacy fence so make sure I don't have problems with people peeking in, and the house is in a super quiet, super safe neighborhood close to many of the stores and shops I need. It's also only about 10 minutes from the hospital I'll be working at.

So, we let the guy know that we really liked the house. He gave me an application and told me he would call early the next morning. My mom asked for a $100 rent discount, seeing as this rent is about $200 above what I had originally hoped to spend each month. I told him that I could even sign a 2-year lease agreement if that helped, since I would be signing a 2-year employment agreement with the hospital. *I was offered a 1 or 2 year contract, with differing bonuses. My personally requested sign was that the L-rd would allow me to get a rent discount if I were to sign a 2 year lease.*

He called back next day, just as I was about to call him to let him know my mom and I needed to hit the road so that we could make it back home before my mom's clients came in. He said he would meet us at the house to get the deposit and so we hugged Mema, told her bye, then headed over. While signing, I learned that his business partner used to be a pastor and I believe they both go to church together... So I'm hoping this is a good sign that they'll be good landlords! Please L-rd, let them be good landlords!!!

Anyway, I signed the lease and he gave me the keys!

Y'all, I am so beyond stoked. I will have to work extra days in order to ensure that I can save on top of paying my bills and rent, but I think it will be do-able. I'll just work some extra holidays and make sure to sign up for holidays. The NICU down here has no problem giving over time, because they usually have lots of babies, and then seasons of very few babies. However, being a full-timer, I will have priority in making sure I get my hours in when I am scheduled.

It's one of those times in life where I am overwhelmed with the amount of blessings the L-rd has bestowed upon me in such a short amount of time. I knew He was probably going to wait until the last minute to give me a place that my heart was desiring. He tends to wait until the absolute last minute, while letting me go and see what could be, so that I understand how big of a blessing He is actually giving me. Let me tell you, the stress and frustration was so worth it because He worked it all out absolutely perfectly.

I am blessed. I am humbled. I am completely overwhelmed and shocked at the magnificent gloriousness that G-d works in my life every single day.

I'll keep y'all updated.

Graduation Came and Went, but It Turned Out Happy!

My last post was about how I was all sad at school ending. I had just finished my last final and instead of relief or happiness, I was feeling sad. Well, it's okay. Despite how difficult, frustrating, and down-right draining nursing school was, it was kind of my identity and a time of stressful excitement in my life for the past 3-4 years! The end of that is relieving, in some ways, but I've learned it's okay to be mildly sad at the ending because it's the end of a major life era.

Through nursing school/college I've:

• had countless highs and lows
• gained and lost friends
• was encouraged in my calling
• was told I would never get into the program, and then did get in!
• I went through many traumatic events, all in a 2 year time-span
• learned new things about myself
• lost pieces of what I htought was important about me, but gained new insights and strengths
• learned the basics of how to "be a nurse", according to textbooks
• had countless instructors, patients, friends, and family tell me that I was made to be a nurse
• I've cried and laughed with patients
• cuddled babies
• held the hands of people in the dying process
• celebrated "little" things with patients and families of patients
• been able to care for those who nobody else would touch
• and so much more

These things were my life. These things comprise a major part of my life and nursing school has consumed my every thought for at least 4 years! The end of such a monumental milestone is allowed to be a time of mixed emotions. Throw in the fact that I have friend and family troubles, I am recovering from PTSD, and shit is about to get real as far as my real life starting, and it's completely understandable why I was overwhelmed at a time where most people are supposedly happy.

I have talked with several of my friends, both nursing and non-nursing, that graduated with me on Friday, and they are having similar mixed feelings about graduation. Many of us are waking up in a panic because we feel we need to be in class, thought we are done now. Others are sad school is over because some of us are moving to other states and we may never see each other again, let alone every day!

Graduation is a happy time, but it's okay to be overwhelmed, sad, anxious, nervous, and a host of other emotions. Being able to feel all of these is part of what makes us human and helps us concrete these huge monuments in our memory bank.



I'll tell you a bit about how my graduation weekend went, though, just in case you were wondering...

Thursday: Pinning went well. My Mom pinned me, but Mema and Brother were able to go up on stage with me. It was a great ceremony and the Nurse's Pledge really got to me. As I was reading it with my classmates, and my family and friends listened to me promise my life for the career of a nurse, I was able to reflect and realize that nursing is my calling. The pledge sounded like it was written for me!

Friday: Graduation was wonderful! My mom's sister and her husband drove down with us. Then Brother and Dad met us at the event center. Everyone loved my cap, except my peds professor (who I've had serious problems with all semester and who mocked it in front of the other professors to my face!). I put RN but instead of "Registered Nurse" I wrote out "Redneck Nurse" and put it on camo back ground. I'm known as the class redneck and so many of my classmates and friends loved it! What's even better is that when my peds professor was mocking my cap, the other professors chimed in and told me how cute it was and how creative I was to come up with that. So, it made me feel a bit better. I got lots of pictures and had a grand ol' time during graduation. The nursing class was in the back of the graduate seating, and many of us were talking and laughing the whole time because getting through 1000+ students all graduating takes a long time! Many nursing students wore their stethoscopes as cords and I even graduated Cum Laude! I was so close to the next highest gpa, but graduating with honors at all was an accomplishment that I am very proud of.

Saturday: This was the day of my party. Many people RSVP'd, so I got food for about 50-60 people and rented a park. Unfortunately, only 3 of my friends, one of my uncles and his family came, and then two sets of family friends came. Well, my Mom, Dad, and Brother came too. It was cold and rainy, so my dad was surprised that anyone came at all, but the people that did come went out of their way to make sure that someone came to celebrate with me, so I was glad for that. I think I should have planned it for a different weekend, because so many people were having parties that day. However, it was disappointing, yet a good time to practice "spinning" the situation to find the silver lining. The spin is: the people that came are all so very dear to my heart, I was glad to be able to spend lots of time with each of them individually instead of being overwhelmed by the amount of people who showed up.

So, it was a good weekend. My favorite day was graduation. I got so many photos with friends. I shared a lot of smiles and hugs. The whole day fell into place and G-d worked out the whole weekend just the way it was supposed to be. I'm so very glad for that.



Ladies and gents, I would like to present to you... ME! I graduated counseling, nursing school, and I am beginning my adult life with a job right out of college. Life will not be easy by any means, though many days I wish it were. However, I know that sometimes the L-rd blesses others through the struggles I have and the L-rd blesses me through different events, both seemingly good and bad events. Life is a journey. It's hard, fund, and every changing. All we can do is hold on for the ride and pray that someday, our life makes a difference and we learn the lessons we are supposed to learn while here on this earth.

I'm approaching this next phase in my life with cautious optimism. I'm terrified, but I see the L-rd working every day. Most days are still a struggle, but I'm not bed-bound anymore. Even today, when it's cold and cloudy and I have nothing I really need to do, I pulled myself out of bed and got my butt to Starbucks. I'm making baby steps in my healing journey and graduating counseling is proving to be a struggle. However, I know that I can go back to counseling at any time, but it is meant to be a temporary crutch as opposed to a new life-long sentence/expense.

I graduated!

Now I'm: BedpanAlley, BSN!

I have to catch myself, I keep calling myself a nursing student instead of a newly graduated baby-nurse... I'll fix that in time. Maybe someday I'll begin to feel like a nurse, but the learning will never end. Good thing I love to learn, right?

Not As Crazy As I Believe

I talked to a good buddy of mine. She's in nursing school with me and she knows Roomie (new) really well. I was talking with her, let's call her Millie (I just made up that name). We were talking about plans after graduation and where we wanted to live.

Then we got on the subject of why I was thinking about not moving to Mema's town to work in her hospital anymore. I told her that it seems that every time I live with someone, then it seems to wreck the relationship. Explaining further, I told her that I can come to class and be okay, and maybe even happy because I'm with my friends. Then, I can go about my day and deal with my own nonesense without them seeing that. However, when I live with people, I can't get away from them and they start to see my dark side. They watch the moods, the crazy amounts of sleep I get, my eating habits, and they know about my general moods at all points of the day/week.

This usually ruins my good friendships because nobody can handle me when I'm trying to handle my own stuff. That leads to questions. I can tell them I don't want to talk about it, but then they get upset that I'm not opening up. Other times, or after a long time of building trust, I start to share a molecule of an elephant with them. There are hundreds of elephants (problems) in my backyard (my mind) and I only share a molecule of ONE elephant with them. Nobody seems to be able to handle this little tiny bit and so they shut down, stop talking with me, and I feel like shit for sharing with them because now they have to carry that burden. This adds another elephant to my backyard.

So, I have two options: 1) don't share, continue to handle my own stuff because I know I can, and spare them the pain of dealing with any part of my burden, but deal with them being sad because I won't open up or 2) get close to them, share a bit of my life after awhile, start to trust them and rely on them to be there for me, and lose them when they realize that I'm not someone who can be saved and what I deal with is heavy, so heavy.

There's no winning.

I went through all of this with Millie and she told me she totally understands. She also told me that she doesn't share with Roomie, and also that Roomie has tried to dig into her (Millie's) life before too. I have been told that Beauty is good at digging and has tried to dig into many other people's lives as well. So, I'm not the only one finding these two friends of ours doing these things. Therefore, I'm not as crazy and I believe I am!

Also, we were sitting after clinicals, talking about some of the projects we are doing together as a clinical group. Some of the girls mentioned one of the other members and started venting about her frustration at the way the member tries to change everything we do and tell us all what to do. Now, the ones that were venting about this person are people that I get frustrated for doing the exact same things, but I'm glad that I am not the only one finding this about this particular member of the group. Out of 7 of us, there are 3 moms (all very used to taking control and all fighting for the control of our group all the time), 2 type-A people that assist in giving me headaches, and one other girl who, like me, does not give a flying rip about what we do. The other girl and I are just trying to survive the semester without banging our head against a wall all the time from the frustration we have at constantly being told 17 different things to do by the 3 taking control and the two type-A-er's.

I thought I was going crazy because I figured everyone was all hunky dory with everyone else in our group. Turns out, the same things and people that frustrate me are the same things/people that are irritating others. I'm not as crazy as I believe!

Ultimately, that realization was nice to have today. I'm glad that I'm not the only one thinking all these things and experiencing these stresses.

One of these days, I'll learn my lesson. One day I will learn that no matter how close I get to someone, I cannot tell them what's going on in my head. One day, I will go somewhere new, where I no nobody at all. I will start over and they will know nothing of my past. I will be cheery around them and save my baggage for myself and unload it when I am home alone. One day, I will learn. People can't handle the molecule, or even atom, that they ask to know. They just can't handle it. One day, I will learn this.

For now, I will get used to the loneliness that I had put aside because people wanted to get close. I will learn to deal with my shit on my own, again. I will move on and try to keep fighting another day. It will get easier again. I will be fine.

Ultrasound Results

I would like to start out saying that I went to a nurse practitioner hoping for more "nursey" care because I have had bad experiences with doctors in the past. This may not have been a wise choice. I understand that she is busy but after being intensely peppered with questions for 5 minutes, being belittled in that short time, then having results read on my voicemail by a receptionist and requesting to talk to the NP and her refusing to talk to me and only answering questions through an MA, I am beyond frustrated. Sorry for the long-winded run-on but that's how I talk when I get super excited or super frustrated. I am so frustrated.

Anyway, I got the results and the NP says that I have a "simple cyst" on my right ovary and that I will need to get another ultrasound in 2-3 months. That is the exact sentence she gave the receptionist (who has a very heavy accent, might I add, and it was barely discernable) to tell me. Freaking out, because I have no idea what that means, I call back and ask to speak to the NP. No, I'm not allowed to right then but they will put a note in my chart and the MA offered to answer what questions she could and then she would have the NP call me later. The answers were not comforting at all and only left me with more questions. Why are you guys waiting so long? Is this serious? Why is nothing else happening? Why is such a passive approach being taken when this could effect my Childbearing abilities? I mean, it's my frickin' ovary!!!

I called Mom to let her know and so I could lose it a little bit. She suggested calling Mema because Mema has been a nurse for awhile and she focuses on Post Partum and NICU. Why didn't I even think of that?! So after explaining everything that's going on, she told me that it might make having kids a little harder because of the ovulation cycle going from one ovary to the other, but she says I will likely be able to have kids because it's just one ovary being effected. She told me what else to look for and what symptoms to expect. She just explained everything and calmed me down so well and in nurse talk and true nurse fashion. Mema is just so fantastic, I am so blessed!

Next day the same MA calls back that I had talked to the previous day and she tells me the NP won't talk to me and she reiterates what the NP had already had read to me the day before on my voicemail. At this point I am beyond livid. Needless to say, I should have cancelled my Well Woman exam right then but I had left class to take the call and didn't want to waste any more time fighting with them. I'll do that another day, though, because she is obviously too busy to have me as a patient. I will also be filling out a review for her because it was not okay the way she treated me.


Do y'all remember me telling you that I thought I may have type 2 Bipolar disorder? Well, one of my cousins was recently diagnoses with it and then one of my dad's cousins (one of his favorites, no less) was recently diagnosed with it too after years of searching for answers and treatment. Mema tells me that in our family, it is passed from father to daughter and mother to son. She suspects I have it because I told her my symptoms and how I went hypomanic after finally taking some herbs to treat my depression. I may end up passing it on to my son, if I have sons, and I want 2-3.

Knowing medical/health stuff is such a blessing but occasionally it's a bit of a downer. Still, I would rather know and then be able to better plan from there than go in blind and wonder what certain outcomes meant.

Fantastic Weekend Review

Hey y'all, how was your weekend? I hope it was fun, or at least relaxing.

Mine was super fun. After going to the barbeque that I kinda initiated... I got to spend nearly an entire day with my Mema. Oh goodness, I LOVE her!!! We drove about 2 hours to go look at the leaves that are changing colors and scoped out some camping spots for next summer with the whole extended family. Super exciting and it killed my back sitting for nearly 5 hours cramped in a car. That's one of the only times I wish I had a little bit shorter legs. That and the fact that I'm taller than most guys... Therefore I tower over the cutie pies I may/may not crush on and I would like to find a guy that's a bit taller than me. I don't know why that's a thing, but I want to feel petite and feminine next to a guy and not like a frickin' giant.

Anywho, I also got to ride horses for about an hour and the horse kept running! Oh my goodness I should have shortened those stirrups. Since I didn't, but bum is a bit sore because I couldn't stand in the stirrups to prevent bouncing up and down about a foot with each horse step. I almost felt like I was going to get thrown too because I was not prepared for the horse to start running, he just took off!

Well, Roommate's mom loves taking pictures. I HATE being in pictures. I loose the argument with her every time because I just adore her! So, I took a picture with Roommate Mama's boyfriend (of 10 years). He's awesome. Really, they have an amazing family. Later that night this picture was posted on the boyfriend's Facebook page. About 5 minutes later he gets a call. Keep in mind it is about 9 at night and where we're from, it's not okay to call after 9 unless it's an emergency. The call was from his nephew and the nephew was asking who I was. He told the boyfriend I was "hot" and some other very flattering descriptive phrases that I was not informed about. Haha, that made me feel significantly better after them silly high school boys told me to try harder. I wasn't even wearing make-up in the picture and my hair was all wind-blown from having ridden horses. So, while I should not be so easily upset and encouraged by these little comments, I am just now coming into being noticed by guys and noticing them back. Plus, the guy that was diggin' on me is a few years older and has a bigger pool of girls and still thought I was worth a "double take". Good thing it was dark when they told me because I was blushing all over!

My brother got a girlfriend. Have I told you about that yet? She got him to smoke pot less and he doesn't drink as much, so that's good. He took the new girlfriend to meet my mama over the weekend without warning mom that the girlfriend was coming. Nobody is telling me anything besides the fact that it went okay. I'm kinda hoping that there are some better stories than that but I guess I'll just have to dig some more this week.

I'm gonna go try to be productive today. We'll see how far that gets me. Also, I think I need to come up with better nicknames for Roommates family... Maybe that's what I'll do today.

Me and My Big Mouth

Mema came into town yesterday so I got to go visit with her and my uncles and their family yesterday. The uncles were seperated because it wasn't a big dinner or anything. So, I was invited to dinner tonight by one and then went to visit with the other. I thought they had been invited and knew about the whole ordeal. They did not... So, I went to the second uncle's house and told them about a barbeque happening tonight that was not actually happening. Awesome.

I got to put out my fire today after realizing the first uncle may not have meant it to be a big deal... Then I explained that to the second uncle's family. Now they are planning one anyway since I invited them to something that wasn't happening and I am thoroughly embarrassed. Praise the L-rd for kind family but I really need to stop assuming those two families talk all the time!

Ugh, if I had a house out there then I could have just invited everyone to my house to fix this whole mess. Instead, I just have to deal with the embarrassment of my big mouth and go to dinner with my tail between my legs. Someday I will learn to watch what I say, until then I will just have to deal with a constantly bruised ego.

Completely Blown Away

I have not posted for the past couple of weeks because I have been out of town! Oh my goodness, it was absolutely amazing. I went South to go visit Mema for a whole entire week. Also, I drove down there by myself! 6-7 hour drive and I actually made it there alive and without going through any unnecessary states. So, that's good.

While down there I also got the opportunity to shadow in both the NICU and L&D. What a fantastic opportunity, I am so blessed! For 2 days I woke up at 0515 in order to make it to the hospital in time to follow a nurse in NICU and then went on over to Labor and Delivery to follow a nurse (more like all the nurses) to anything that was at all fascinating. Before this experience, I was on the fence between the two specialties and not even knowing if I would actually enjoy either of them. Having shadowed, I think I would really enjoy working in the NICU. Yes, it will be rough. Babies die. However, I think it is something I could do with all my heart and still maintain my compassion and love for the job.

I got to see so much just in the NICU. An OG tube taken out and replaced with an NG tube in a itty bitty baby. Tube feedings and nipple training for other itty bitty's. A bath, which was just the cutest thing ever! An assessment and the preparation of breast milk into bottles or syringes for feedings. I also saw a father hold his baby for the first time after the baby had been born about a week ago. I nearly started crying. The love, amazement, and concern written across the faces of a baby's parents while he laid in a bed hooked up to pumps, tubes, IV's, and just about anything else possible for someone to be attached to. I don't think I could ever get sick of watching that.

Then I went over to L&D. Oh man, I feel bad for going over there. The poor nurses that I was following were having calm, easy days until I would start following one of them. First delivery out of the box went just fine until the mom started hemorrhaging. Seeing everyone know what to do and where to be was incredible. Seriously, they had to massage the mother's uterus and increase the Pitocin and the nurse upped the Pit before the doctor even requested it and they had to take turns massaging because they had to do that for a really long time. Oh the poor mom, I'm sure she had a huge bruise the next day and it was tender just when they were "massaging". Besides that I saw 2 C-Sections, 2 other deliveries, 2 episiotomies, a couple uteruses and the ovaries plus real-life abdominal muscles (during C-Sections). I watched a couple of lactation consultations and the a bunch of parents meeting their babies for the first time. 

Absolutely amazing. So, between that and getting tons of R&R with Mema, that is what I did this past week. How is your summer going?

NICU Job

A couple weeks ago I had an interview for a CNA position in the NICU at one of our local hospitals. I told y'all that I didn't get the job as evidence by an email I received just after I found out about Country Boy's passing... That was a struggle.

Monday morning, I was fixin' to call them back to see if they had any advice for how I could improve my interviewing skills. I was certain that I had bombed the interview because they went from all smiles and nice tones to more of a interrogation-like mode. Super freaky, let me tell you. It all happened once they started asking about my schedule and how long a semester is and stuff like that.

So, I left the interview feeling defeated. Monday, while I was at my IT job, I get a voicemail. My phone didn't ring all day, but then there was a voicemail message. It was the assistant manager of the NICU calling me back asking to speak to me about how the interview went...

Do I need to mention my light headedness, heart palpitations, sweaty palms, shakiness, and all around feeling of impending doom? When I called her back she was so sweet but straight to the point. She told me that it was a hard decision between me and another person but went with the other girl due to scheduling. HOWEVER, she mentioned that I did well in the interview and hopes that she has a position opening up in the summer and she asked if she could call me in case that happens! She then proceeded to tell me that she loved my enthusiasm and the hospital is fixin' to start a training program for new grads wanting to work in the NICU and she thought I would be a fantastic candidate if I still want to be in the NICU upon graduation.

I was speechless. I had been so upset all week and weekend after finding out about Country Boy, me not getting the job, breaking up with Best Friend, and the million other things in my life that just had me drowning in emotional crisis and self pity. I'm sure y'all know that I do not handle emotional troubles well. So, I had been angry at G-d for several days for not letting me save Country Boy, then for not letting me get my "dream job," and then for all the other silly things I recognized as being not good in my life. Even with all that, G-d was working in ways that I could not see. When I thought my world was falling apart, He was orchestrating everything perfectly. Whether I get the NICU job or not, He allows me to find favor with Him and with the people I come into contact with.

I was telling a guy at my IT job that I had an interview with the NICU the other day. He didn't know what that was so I explained that it was the ICU for itty bitty babies. He then proceeded to ask if I was baby crazy. Ummmmmm, not in the way that most girls my age are. I am definately not ready to have one of my own. I am perfectly fine taking care of them for awhile and then going home to a house full of quiet. Ya, I'd like offspring of my own someday, but that'll have to wait on G-d's timing.

The same guys also asked if I was engaged. Oh man, I can't even hold down a relationship based on friendship, how on earth can I handle an engagement? Well, it's not his fault, I wear my purity ring on my left hand ring finger. I also wear my old purity ring on my right middle finger because I lost a bunch of weight and so I had to shuffle my rings around so they would fit. Needless to say, we had a beautiful awkward silence totally brought on by him. That is rare because I didn't cause it!!!

Well, let's finish this school year strong. Only about a month left and I am ready for summer. I can't be the only one to be overdue for a summer vacation, right? Check out my Pinterest to see what I have planned for the summer and there is more to come. I need some sleep. Good night, folks.

Don't go down that road...

Going into college, I did not drink coffee regularly. It used to give me heart palpitations, even in the smallest amounts. Even if I ate too much chocolate, I would start getting funky heart feelings that are highly unpleasant.

Last week began my slow decent into what will likely end in a caffeine addiction. It's surprising that with my crazy schedule, it has taken me this long to come around to drinking coffee, so I suppose that's good. But man, clinicals are getting rougher. We start getting two patients soon which means... drumroll please... TWO careplans. There will be one long and one short. Regardless, it has been taking me until 0100-0200 to finish just a long one so I'm not certain how I will get an additional one and still get sleep before having to get up at 0430. Praise the L-rd there are only 4 weeks left of this for this semester!

My plans have been growing and growing for this summer. I have two trips planned already and both of them involve spending at least a week at a time with my Mema. In talking with her to make plans for these vacations, we started talking about nursing. She is a recently retired NICU nurse who is so very excited that I am following in her footsteps. Funny thing is, I wanted to be a nurse before I realized that is what she did. I also wanted to work with babies. Naturally, when I found out about the NICU, I was drawn to the idea of helping these sweet little infants. As we were discussing this, she informed me that her great-grandma was a doctor, midwife, and something else that I can't remember right now. But this lady saved almost all of the children in the town she lived in from a disease outbreak that was killing most children in the surrounding towns. Ever since her, most women in our family become nurses or have something to do with the medical field. Even the women that marry into the family tend to be nurses. I didn't find that little gem out until I went to our family reunion two summers ago. Most of the guys tend to be mechanics or some type of engineer (typically mechanical engineers.) This pattern is intriguing to me, but I suppose it makes sense because most guys marry ladies like their moms and girls marry guys like their dads. Still, it's an interesting pattern that I wish I knew how to further investigate.

Well, I'm heading off to work. Y'all have a great day and I'll let you know how clinicals go with two patients and TWO careplans.

Even I Forgot!

I'm 20 today. It's that odd year in between legally being able to drown your troubles in ETOH (alcohol) and your teenage years. This is going to be a struggle.

During clinicals today, I kept forgetting that it was my birthday until a family member would text me here, or I would get a Facebook message there. I was successful in keeping it a secret from all but my family and Best Friend. Yes, even he texted me Happy Birthday. How sweet is that?! G-d sure blessed me with an amazing ex even though I don't think I deserve someone being so kind as he is after I agreed to and then took back my proposal to "try this" (aka, begin going out.)

Maybe I forgot because I was up until 0200 finishing my care plan for today. Perhaps I forgot because I then woke up at 0430 to prepare for clinicals. Then I was rushed all day. I didn't remember again until one of my patients told me it was his birthday today too. He reminded me of my dad... I have got to stop relating my pt's to my family and friends because it makes the care so much harder. I love my dad. In fact, I'm a daddy's girl. However, the last pt I had that reminded me of him passed away unexpectedly. My heart broke and I grew a scar. Then the two ladies that reminded me of my Mema passed unexpectedly and that probably could have been avoided. Again, my heart ripped right in two, and then crumbled into a million little pieces. I picked up what I could, slapped it together with some glue and now my heart is more of a sagging, scarred, mangled mess of flesh more than anything else. I can't even find it some days because I give it to G-d, then foolishly take it back and proceed to lose it. He finds it and I make the same mistakes to repeat the vicious cycle again.

Today was so busy I just don't even know where to start. I got to D/C (discontinue) a foley! That was super exciting because I have only inserted/taken catheters out of manikins and they don't behave like real people and I feel so silly talking to them because I know they are a doll and they cannot respond. I despise make-believe games because I don't understand them and I can hardly think for myself let alone having to create whole other people/situations/conversations/etc for another person or people.

Also, in lab it took about 10 minutes to D/C a catheter. Well, not really, but it seemed like it would take a long time when going through the whole process. I did it in about a minute and I'm sure the nurse could have done it in about 4 seconds. You just deflate the balloon and pull out the tubing while coiling it around your hands so that it doesn't whip out and share the special surprises that are inevitably waiting at the end with everyone present.

I also got to give meds for the first time. That was actually more nerve wracking that the foley thing because they stress the importance of the 6 rights, double and triple checking your meds, and the dangers of getting into too much of a pattern. In lab, that skill took us about 30 minutes to pull approximately 15 meds from one med cart at the bedside, check them the 84720583 times that you have to check them, put them in a cup, and assist your patient with the administration of the meds. In real life, it took me maybe 5 minutes total to pull 8 meds from the med room down the hall from the pt, verify them, and assist the pt with taking them. I felt like I was doing it wrong all day. Thank the L-rd I got to give meds 3 separate times so I got lots of practice. But dang! All day I felt like I was doing everything wrong from passing meds, to helping the pt, to my assessment, to walking down the hall. At one point I questioned my heart's ability to pump simply because it is inside of me, the screw-up.

I survived. It was nuts. Even still, I am more comfortable learning how to be a nurse than I have ever been anywhere where I knew what I was doing. This profession makes me make sense. I'm super cheesy today. You're welcome.

Summer is Approaching!

To finish this whole posting fest off, let's end on some super exciting news!

This summer has the potential to be absolutely amazing.

My Mema is a NICU nurse. Her sister, also a nurse, is the manager or something of one of the NICU's down where my Mema lives. Mema has talked to her sister and she has offered me the opportunity to go down and shadow some of the NICU nurses on the unit to see if that is actually something I want to do when I graduate!!! Oh my goodness, YES! I am so excited for this opportunity I cannot even express it. G-d blesses me in the most wonderful ways it's completely mind boggling. So, I hope to go stay with my Mema for a few weeks and maybe even shadow her a day or two. I would be so honored to be able to follow her and watch her be in her element because nursing is where I feel the most comfortable and where I feel I actually make sense. I know that's super cheesy, but I don't fit in hardly anywhere, unless I'm in the nursing role. That's what G-d has put on my heart and I am blessed to have found where I am most comfortable.

My Mema is also taking us camping this summer! We are going with both of my dad's brothers and their families the way we used to when I was little. I haven't been able to go for the past few years due to work, but I am totally going this year. I love camping and can't wait to go fishing and be in the water with all of the E. coli, fish pee, and other fun stuff seen in the wild. I'm not even being sarcastic, I know it sounds weird, but my mind is constantly stuck on the science stuff...

I'm also down 11 lbs. now and hope to be able to wear shorts and tank tops on this camping trip. I finally have a destination to set my goal for for weight loss. I want to be tan, able to wear a normal bathing suit, and ready for all sorts of fun this summer.

I'm praying that the L-rd blesses me with a hospital job. If not, then I'll just work a few days a week, just enough to pay bills and have some spending money, and then I am going to rest and have fun the rest of my break. For the past several years I have not had the luxury of having a fun summer, but I am bound and determined to have a good time this year.

I want to go tubing down a river, hiking, swimming with the kids I nanny for, maybe on a road trip to the beach, camping (a lot), and anything else that sounds fun at a particular moment. I also need a list of really great books. Do y'all have any suggestions?

Meeting at the Reunion

Do you ever go to family reunions and you have to meet everyone that claims they know you? It's an odd event really. You know that you are related by blood or marriage to most/all of the people there, but you don't really know them. This forces a somewhat awkward situation. It's like friends trying to set you up on a date based off of the fact that you both like to bowl. You know that there is something in common, but what on earth do you talk about for the other 4+ hours of the reunion/date besides what you know about the other person already?

Last year, I met my "cousin". He's not really my cousin because his grandparents are my Mema's aunt and uncle. So, it gets really confusing and I just decided to save myself the headache and claim him as cousin. Anywho, last year we discovered that we would both be in the nursing program together. In fact, we had chemistry together the first semester. Unfortunately, our conversation stayed pretty minimal, at best. This year, the reunion was way smaller, but I got to talk to him for most of the day instead of smiling at stories of when I was a baby and these strangers/long lost family members last saw me. While this was a blessing, it was also slightly uncomfortable seeing as I am not a conversationalist and there were about 2 hours of luls in the conversation and an hour worth of talking... Golly, I need to work on my people and conversation skills!

Good news, I got to see my newly retired Mema and she may be moving closer to us! She is currently about an 8 hour drive through 3 states, but she is originally from the little town that my dad grew up in and most of her family is here. I so hope she moves down here. How amazing would it be if she could teach me how to be a nurse once I graduate?

Off to work a double... #too early (totally just kidding, I don't do hashtags)

Why?

Lately I have had so many people question my every move.

"Why don't you have a boyfriend?"
"Why have you never dated anyone?"
"Why did you move in with your brother?"
"Why are you broke?"
"Why, why, why, why, why?"

My reply: Why is it any of your business and why do you care?

Of course, I never really questioned them, but I kinda wanted to. I am just a very private person and I don't mind sharing about myself, but I don't even know why I do everything so I can't explain it to myself let alone anyone else.

For the past couple weeks I have been mulling over my future in my head again and again. Why kind of nurse will I be? When/where will I meet my husband? Will I get a CNA job in a hospital? How will school be? Will I make tons of friends or just be one of those people who everyone considers a friend but is actually very lonely because she doesn't get close to anyone? (I already am like that.) Where will I live when I graduate? How will the next few years turn out for myself and my brother? Will we live peacefully together or will we kill each other? What is even going on?!

I desperately need to get out of my head and just let G-d control my life. He controls our lives whether we give Him reign or not, but life is way easier if we are not fighting tooth and nail for our silly desires and our plans because G-d always has what we want and need in His plans for our life.

Daily Thanksgiving: My mema came into town and I get to see her tomorrow! I also get to volunteer tomorrow, which I love to do. I got 140/120 on my micro unknown organism project and I got 80% on my vocab test from Wednesday. So far, living with my brother has been great and he got a really good financial aid award which means that we will not be overly stressed for money this year!!! I am so relieved I can't even explain it.

Advice to the Older Me

I got an idea from another blog I read and I have decided to write advice to the older me. This advice focuses on my dreams right now and why I want to be a nurse so badly.

1. Mom and Mema: Remember, you are not doing this entirely for yourself, you are walking in the shoes of your family. You are completing what your mom was unable to complete to share your joy with her when you graduate.
2. Babies! Whether you become a NICU nurse or L&D nurse upon graduation, remember the sweet babies you will get to care for and share the beginning of their lives with.
3. The stress you feel over getting a B is unnecessary. It may feel like the end of the world, but it's not even close. You passed all of your courses freshman year when so many thought you wouldn't.
4. It is okay to cry. One of the hardest things to admit, but it reduces stress hormones. We both know you have an over-abundance of stress, so just shed a few tears and move on.
5. Continue to learn from your mistakes and keep taking advice-wise advice, of course.
6. Always be working on remaining humble. When you do something wrong, ask how to make it better next time. Then make it better the next time.
7. Remember, you started out as a CNA. You were a really slow CNA. Keep chesed for all of the CNA's, EMT's, new nurses, doctors, patients, and everyone else in the world. 
8. If someone doesn't treat you right: 1) Assume they could be having a bad day and continue to be kind. Do not talk about others behind their backs, but you can compliment others whether to their face or to others around them. 2)  If they continue to not treat you right, STILL BE NICE! However, you can tell them that you will not help them or ask them to stop talking disrespectfully. DO NOT talk about them behind their backs. If others are, defend them, regardless of what that person did to you.
9. Don't become anti-social. I know you have tendencies to do so, but get a dog and some friends!
10. Read the Bible everyday. Learn to care from how Ad-nai and Yeshua (Jesus' Hebrew name) first cared for us. Wash your disciples feet (metaphorically, but can be literally too!). 
11. Breathe. Relax when you can. Enjoy life. Don't stress about stuff you can't fix. When you can fix something, work the problem out in your head and take care of it.
12. Remember, G-d's plan for your life is infinitely better than your plan for your life. Just trust Him and stop giving the reigns, then taking them back right away!

 Feel free to add anything, I would love more advice for the future nurse me!