This last week I had a meeting with my NICU manager. They call it a 90 day check-in... It's not meant to critique me, instead, it's a way for HR to say that they are trying to retain staff.
Boy, I am betting my manager was wishing I never came in. I let her know how unhappy I am, how difficult it is to come in to work and be given shit assignments. Every. Night. And how frustrated I am that others are being oriented to vents before me and they were hired after me. I don't know why I bother going over these things with her. I should just tell her everything's fine and I quit. But, the only thing I hold onto in my life is working on standing up for myself and documenting the troubles I encounter. It helped me through the crappy relationships, through school, through the troubles I experienced in Small Town. Documentation is all I have. So, I chose to let her have it. Tell her most of my grievances and explain why she will continue to lose mass amounts of staff over and over.
Yesterday morning I got yelled at by "Stinky-Poo Doctor". That's what I'll call him. I got the name from my counselor who has heard ALL about him. He yelled at me because I had to wait for an epidural. By the time the pt was ready for the epidural and I call anesthesia, another nurse on the floor called and asked if she could steal the anesthesiologist because her mama was an 8 (cm) while mine was 1 cm. I agreed, not knowing Stinky-Poo Doc was waiting out at the nurse's station for her. So he called from the nurse's station and yelled at me! Before letting me talk, he slammed the phone down. and immediately called back to tell me not to page him. "Okay" came out a little too happy (I'm so over his shit.) So he slammed the phone back down and I didn't see him the rest of the day.
I get that he's busy. I understand that he has meetings and stuff to do as a doctor, but he never made a plan with me to come in and check her in 30 minutes or a plan to put in an IUPC at a certain time. So why is he calling me, yelling at me for not having him come in to see her and do all these dumb things if he never told me he was going to? And he saw anesthesia come by and then go into the other room. I get that he didn't know the story, but I'm not going to try to fight with him on these things. He's going to think I'm making excuses and he wouldn't care anyway. That's just how he is.
Regardless, I am so sick of having to work with him. I would have quit right on the spot if I could. But it wouldn't do anything. He wouldn't get reprimanded. He wouldn't be chastised or change in any way. People have let him go along and bully everyone for so long that he knows he can just get away with it. I wish I could report him somehow, but there's nothing I can do. His aggression and moodiness makes work unbearable. I don't want to take his patients, I don't want to work when he is the in-house OB, I don't want to ever see him again IN MY LIFE. My fear is that other doctors will be like this if I were to move somewhere else.
I just don't understand why they are allowed to be such assholes and so persnickety and so ridiculous. We bend over backwards to make sure the doctors at this hospital have their exact gloves and choice of "checking fluid" (I hate using the word lube) and everything just right for them. I floated to our sister hospital in town and those doctors get their own gloves out of the delivery cart! They ask you when it would be a good time for them to break their waters so that it doesn't make too much work at the end of your shift. They believe us when we believe something is wrong or when we need help. They discuss things with you and don't start yelling at the nurses for stupid shit. I don't understand how our doctors have been able to get away with so much for so long that they think us nurses are their slaves. I really don't get it.
Then, a few hours after work, when I was in the middle of my ACLS course, I got a text from the day shift charge that I didn't chart on 30 minutes of fetal monitoring strip for the induction that came in 30 minutes late, while I was doing an epidural on my other lady (after the yelling). Between being overwhelmed with a 0530 induction that was late, and a pt who waited until 0530 to want her epidural, and stinking grumpy doctors, and and and. Plus I needed to get out of report and get to the other side of town for this stupid certification class. UGH!!! So, I missed a section of strip. 1 little bit of charting that I needed to do and I forgot. Of course it's on the day when the most nitpicky charge nurse is on who gets in everyone's face if you don't do things the way she does things.
So over it.
On days when I get overwhelmed, I have this scary daydream about having a central line and just letting it drain. Let it be placed, don't hook it up to any fluids or cap it off, and just let me drain slowly until I go to sleep and then eventually just go away. Part of me wants to know if the people who rag on me constantly would even care, but most of me wouldn't want to put my family through that. Honestly, I don't think the doctor would care if he knew that I quit or died because of how ridiculous he is. The charge nurse wouldn't care. But my family would be heartbroken. I'm not going to do it. I won't hurt myself. I think I just get so overwhelmed and see no way out of the stress, that it seems like it would be nice to not be here and going through it anymore.
I hope y'alls week is going much better. I'm gonna go try to sleep again.
-BA
Thursday, January 11, 2018
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
"Why did you stay?"
This is a question I've been asked many, many times when people hear even a smidge of my stories.
With exboyfriend, the police, detective, and my first counselor asked why I stayed the weekend after his first assault.
With exfiance, I've been much more secretive about my time with him, because I've already lost so many people because of him. I've learned to be alone and find contentment in being single, independent, and doing things solely by myself.
Last week, my counselor noted that I've been dissociated for the past few weeks, even in counseling. So, she asked me to talk about exfiance. My mind went blank (dissociation). I asked her what I should talk about and she began asking me basic questions. How did we meet? What was he like? How did it all start? Why did I let him hurt me so many times? Why did I not leave after his first assault like I did with exboyfriend? etc. etc. etc.
I was overcome with anger at being challenged, especially by someone who I had come to know synonymously with comfort and support. Tears were freely flowing at this point, though I had gotten through most of the questions with not an ounce of emotion while recalling our history and how it all started. However, the tears were spilling out like a fire hydrant when we got to the point of asking me why I stayed and let him to continue hurting me. In full defensiveness, I told her what I figured she already knew, "it's not that easy to just walk away, he wouldn't let me go".
It's true. Thus the restraining order attempt. He monopolized all my time from day 1, called and texted constantly, built me up for a few weeks, maybe a couple months, then he started the cycle of breaking me down and guilting me into staying. He brainwashed me, manipulated me to the umpteenth degree, tried to convince me I was nothing (and succeeded, for a little while). When I tried to leave, he told me he would go drive his truck into a tree because he couldn't imagine life without me. He played on all of my past traumas, to fully cement in my head that I was stuck.
Stuck with him. Stuck in an engagement, and eventual marriage, that was all a sham and started as pacification after the first assault. Stuck in abuse, convinced that that was simply my lot in life.
With this, I was introduced to the idea that I have no friends through this abuse because I was a terrible friend in the midst of it. For the 2 friends I trusted, I unloaded far too much information because I had nobody else to talk to. Then, when they stopped talking to me, it made no sense to me. But, after putting two and two together, I realized that it had been a pattern leading up to college that people simply came into my life for a time and promptly left. So, I thought nothing of it when this happened again amidst the trauma. I decided, purposely, to learn how to live without friends. Learn how to be alone. To go out and do fun things, alone. To finish nursing school, alone. I decided to stop getting hurt.
Unfortunately, this left me alone with exfiance.
The way my brain works is truly troubling. It shuts down and I can't communicate. You can ask me questions and if the answers cannot be a simple "yes" or "no", then it will be "I don't know". In truth I do know, but I need time to process. Time to write it out. Time to work my way through the dissociation to a point of being able to communicate and think again.
I went home and cried. Uncontrollable sobbing until I fell asleep early in the afternoon. I woke up a few hours later, my mind reeling. Rinse and repeat all week. I wracked my brain, trying to figure out why I'm such a terrible friend. Why I am such a target. What did I do that I deserve such terrible treatment? What did I do that I was being punished with mountains of abuse? Is my life a manifestation of punishment for a family sin? Maybe generations of family sins? What was so bad about me and so fundamentally wrong with who I am that relationships end in hurt every time? Am I really so unloveable that nobody wants me at all? No dating relationships no friendships?
I began to think back on my life. Did I not follow the rules? Did I not forgive 70 x 7 times and then continue to forgive after that? Did I not turn my cheek, try to forget wrongdoings against me, and attempt to continue on? Did I not love those who hurt me and try to show them G-d's love, just as we continually do things that are a slap in His face and He continues to take us back? Did I not strive to be a friend to those who had nobody, usually until they were accepted by the masses to simply leave me on the sidelines? Of course I saw the patterns, but everything in my past showed me I was just living the church girl life. I was doing all that I had been taught to do. Where did I go wrong?
All around me, I saw relationships falter, divorces run rampant, and those that weren't divorced were usually the ones stuck in relationships that made my relationship with exfiance look like a honeymoon. Yet, these women (primarily, and a couple of guys) found ways to be happy in the suffering. They learned to pacify the people they were with, and found ways out of the house to be able to have friends and fun with their kids without the terrible spouse.
I've noticed the patterns of families for years. Some families are large with lots of people always in your space. They love having tons of family members, cousins, aunt, uncles, etc that are all "close" with them and keeping up on their life happenings. Some families seem to have many kind people that have many terrible people that marry into the family. Others have families where nobody sees each other and the separate members of the family find pseudo families to belong to. There are other patterns, of course, but too many to rehash in this post.
Well, I figured that the pattern of nice people having terrible people marry into the family was my lot in life. With the exception of my uncle who is the spitting image of my terrible grandmother [who married into my grandfather's wonderful family]. That @$$h*!3 married my aunt and she is amazing and I love her and we claimed her in the divorce while completely ignoring my biological uncle for decades.
So, how was I supposed to know that my relationship with exfiance was not what it was supposed to be? All of my support systems left me high and dry. All of the relationships in my life pointed to nothing but finding happiness in the midst of a shitty relationship. Church taught me to forgive and turn the other cheek and try to love everyone and work to be Jesus to the nations. How was I supposed to know that following all of the fucking rules would lead to nothing but PTSD, deep depression, a loathing for my body and brain that is unparalleled to anything I have ever understood, and aloneness for the last 3 years of my life?
I read marriage/relationship books about how to be a better girlfriend and figure out how to have a happy relationship. I asked those that I could, studied blogs and everything I could find about relationships. I put in my hours trying to figure out why the only relationships I found myself in were ones that caused me mass amounts of pain. I even took a sexual assault nursing course (for all of 3 weeks until the flashbacks got too intense and I became thoroughly traumatized from the stories we had to read). I tried to figure out how to fix it, then I had to figure out how to leave, ALL BY MYSELF. I had to figure out red flags and final straws and escape plans, ALL BY MYSELF. I had to figure out how to survive so many terrible things ALL BY MYSELF.
That's why I couldn't leave. That's why I stayed for so long. I was in the Word, I was praying, I was going to church, I was reaching out for help and being met with silence at every turn. That's why I stayed. I was fighting to breathe and struggling to break free, and so no, I couldn't just walk out after the first assault. It took all I had to not find a way to die. I was even praying that G-d would just take me, any way He wanted, because I didn't even have the strength to do it myself. I was even helping Him by suggesting plans of how to take me!
Why did I stay? Because I couldn't leave.
With exboyfriend, the police, detective, and my first counselor asked why I stayed the weekend after his first assault.
With exfiance, I've been much more secretive about my time with him, because I've already lost so many people because of him. I've learned to be alone and find contentment in being single, independent, and doing things solely by myself.
Last week, my counselor noted that I've been dissociated for the past few weeks, even in counseling. So, she asked me to talk about exfiance. My mind went blank (dissociation). I asked her what I should talk about and she began asking me basic questions. How did we meet? What was he like? How did it all start? Why did I let him hurt me so many times? Why did I not leave after his first assault like I did with exboyfriend? etc. etc. etc.
I was overcome with anger at being challenged, especially by someone who I had come to know synonymously with comfort and support. Tears were freely flowing at this point, though I had gotten through most of the questions with not an ounce of emotion while recalling our history and how it all started. However, the tears were spilling out like a fire hydrant when we got to the point of asking me why I stayed and let him to continue hurting me. In full defensiveness, I told her what I figured she already knew, "it's not that easy to just walk away, he wouldn't let me go".
It's true. Thus the restraining order attempt. He monopolized all my time from day 1, called and texted constantly, built me up for a few weeks, maybe a couple months, then he started the cycle of breaking me down and guilting me into staying. He brainwashed me, manipulated me to the umpteenth degree, tried to convince me I was nothing (and succeeded, for a little while). When I tried to leave, he told me he would go drive his truck into a tree because he couldn't imagine life without me. He played on all of my past traumas, to fully cement in my head that I was stuck.
Stuck with him. Stuck in an engagement, and eventual marriage, that was all a sham and started as pacification after the first assault. Stuck in abuse, convinced that that was simply my lot in life.
With this, I was introduced to the idea that I have no friends through this abuse because I was a terrible friend in the midst of it. For the 2 friends I trusted, I unloaded far too much information because I had nobody else to talk to. Then, when they stopped talking to me, it made no sense to me. But, after putting two and two together, I realized that it had been a pattern leading up to college that people simply came into my life for a time and promptly left. So, I thought nothing of it when this happened again amidst the trauma. I decided, purposely, to learn how to live without friends. Learn how to be alone. To go out and do fun things, alone. To finish nursing school, alone. I decided to stop getting hurt.
Unfortunately, this left me alone with exfiance.
The way my brain works is truly troubling. It shuts down and I can't communicate. You can ask me questions and if the answers cannot be a simple "yes" or "no", then it will be "I don't know". In truth I do know, but I need time to process. Time to write it out. Time to work my way through the dissociation to a point of being able to communicate and think again.
I went home and cried. Uncontrollable sobbing until I fell asleep early in the afternoon. I woke up a few hours later, my mind reeling. Rinse and repeat all week. I wracked my brain, trying to figure out why I'm such a terrible friend. Why I am such a target. What did I do that I deserve such terrible treatment? What did I do that I was being punished with mountains of abuse? Is my life a manifestation of punishment for a family sin? Maybe generations of family sins? What was so bad about me and so fundamentally wrong with who I am that relationships end in hurt every time? Am I really so unloveable that nobody wants me at all? No dating relationships no friendships?
I began to think back on my life. Did I not follow the rules? Did I not forgive 70 x 7 times and then continue to forgive after that? Did I not turn my cheek, try to forget wrongdoings against me, and attempt to continue on? Did I not love those who hurt me and try to show them G-d's love, just as we continually do things that are a slap in His face and He continues to take us back? Did I not strive to be a friend to those who had nobody, usually until they were accepted by the masses to simply leave me on the sidelines? Of course I saw the patterns, but everything in my past showed me I was just living the church girl life. I was doing all that I had been taught to do. Where did I go wrong?
All around me, I saw relationships falter, divorces run rampant, and those that weren't divorced were usually the ones stuck in relationships that made my relationship with exfiance look like a honeymoon. Yet, these women (primarily, and a couple of guys) found ways to be happy in the suffering. They learned to pacify the people they were with, and found ways out of the house to be able to have friends and fun with their kids without the terrible spouse.
I've noticed the patterns of families for years. Some families are large with lots of people always in your space. They love having tons of family members, cousins, aunt, uncles, etc that are all "close" with them and keeping up on their life happenings. Some families seem to have many kind people that have many terrible people that marry into the family. Others have families where nobody sees each other and the separate members of the family find pseudo families to belong to. There are other patterns, of course, but too many to rehash in this post.
Well, I figured that the pattern of nice people having terrible people marry into the family was my lot in life. With the exception of my uncle who is the spitting image of my terrible grandmother [who married into my grandfather's wonderful family]. That @$$h*!3 married my aunt and she is amazing and I love her and we claimed her in the divorce while completely ignoring my biological uncle for decades.
So, how was I supposed to know that my relationship with exfiance was not what it was supposed to be? All of my support systems left me high and dry. All of the relationships in my life pointed to nothing but finding happiness in the midst of a shitty relationship. Church taught me to forgive and turn the other cheek and try to love everyone and work to be Jesus to the nations. How was I supposed to know that following all of the fucking rules would lead to nothing but PTSD, deep depression, a loathing for my body and brain that is unparalleled to anything I have ever understood, and aloneness for the last 3 years of my life?
I read marriage/relationship books about how to be a better girlfriend and figure out how to have a happy relationship. I asked those that I could, studied blogs and everything I could find about relationships. I put in my hours trying to figure out why the only relationships I found myself in were ones that caused me mass amounts of pain. I even took a sexual assault nursing course (for all of 3 weeks until the flashbacks got too intense and I became thoroughly traumatized from the stories we had to read). I tried to figure out how to fix it, then I had to figure out how to leave, ALL BY MYSELF. I had to figure out red flags and final straws and escape plans, ALL BY MYSELF. I had to figure out how to survive so many terrible things ALL BY MYSELF.
That's why I couldn't leave. That's why I stayed for so long. I was in the Word, I was praying, I was going to church, I was reaching out for help and being met with silence at every turn. That's why I stayed. I was fighting to breathe and struggling to break free, and so no, I couldn't just walk out after the first assault. It took all I had to not find a way to die. I was even praying that G-d would just take me, any way He wanted, because I didn't even have the strength to do it myself. I was even helping Him by suggesting plans of how to take me!
Why did I stay? Because I couldn't leave.
Sunday, December 24, 2017
Didn't think it could get any worse... And then IT DID!
Oh. My. Goodness. *breathe* My past few weeks have been awful.
Last week was my first week off of L&D orientation. Sucked! Day 1, thought I was doing okay. Can't remember exactly what happened, but it wasn't terrible. Day 2, I had 2 labor patients, not good, but I handled it. Day 3, I came back, and found out that 1 of my patients that I thought was a 4, was actually not even 1 c.m. dilated and my other lady who was a 4 turned out to be a C section for being breech.
*breathe*
I turned in my application for a Nurse Midwifery program here in-state. 3-4 days after the deadline, I got an email saying that my application would not be turned in because I was missing transcripts for my transferred credit. I probably wasted $70 on the application, and it'll never even get in front of the admission board for them to decide whether they like me or not.
*just try to breathe*
Then I go to NICU and can't seem to do anything right when I'm there, so day shift is always yelling at me because they do things differently, but I was just following what the previous day shifter told me to do.
*frickin' breathe*
Yesterday I slept through my alarm and my poor counselor texted me 20 minutes into when I was supposed to be there and I didn't call back until 20 minutes after that! Oh my gosh, I feel just so awful. She's so sweet and understanding, but I hate hate hate wasting people's time and it's the holidays. I'm sure she could have been with her family or at home or doing anything else except for waiting for ridiculous me who couldn't even wake up for my 2 alarms.
*just fuckin' take a breath*
Last night, after missing my much needed counseling appointment, I kept tearing up in the middle of feeds. My babies were being difficult (I know, it's not their fault, they're learning how to be alive and eat and manage both at the same time. Lots of work and coordination! Plus parents yell at me on the regular here because of the way the doctors/practitioners change the plan of care all the time.) Regardless, babies can be frustrating and NICU work can be very stressful, even when you only have "feeder growers" because they don't want to feed and growing is even optional. So, between not feeling okay in my NICU knowledge at this hospital, not feeling at all okay in L&D, missing my appointment, being a general thorn in everyone's side, and the myriad of other reasons why I suck as a person... I just couldn't seem to get it together.
Fast forward to 2 hours before my shift was supposed to be up and: my rooming in mom hadn't woken up and she was 30-45 minutes late with her feed, one kid was taking for-frickin-ever to bottle feed and then threw up all over my lap, and my last kid was over in his bed screaming his head off in his inconsolable state.
Maybe I need to just quit breathing at this point and all of the frustrations of life would fade away...
I don't want to be a thorn in anyone's side. Yet, I find myself in a season of being a thorn in EVERYONE'S side, even my poor counselor!
I got to thinking and it's worth note that I cannot plan a wedding. Pinterest has all sorts of cute wedding things, and one of my counseling homework assignments was to make a wedding board on Pinterest of the things I would like to have at my wedding. I don't know what I want for a wedding. I'm not particularly emotionally invested in anything with that. I do, however, have my funeral planned out to a "t". I've had my funeral planned since I was 10 or 12. I know that I was a simple casket, to be buried in gray because I don't feel worthy of being buried in white. I know that I want to be buried in the most simple casket anyone can build, under a weaping willow or some type of large tree. I don't want people dressed up and the reception should be a simple bonfire, with music, and beers. If anyone goes, it would be nice for them to share stories, but having people there doesn't seem realistic, let alone getting anyone to tell stories or even know that I died or to care that I passed. I know that, at 23, I have been a DNR for years.
Last night, I found myself in a position of longing that G-d would let me be done with life. I haven't been here in a long time. Chalk it up to being tired, stressed with so much newness with working L&D, or blame it on me not being able to make it in life without the wonderful support of a counselor because I'm just too weak; but this is not a good place to be. I don't like wanting to be gone and yet being stuck on this earth, in this body, with this life. I can't imaging a bright future. I don't know what it will look like. Not even one little bit.
Will I go on to get my Master's? Doctorate? PhD?
Will I have a husband or family? Will I die alone?
Will I be happy? Or forever chasing happiness, but never able to reach it?
I have no clue what is going to happen. I pray that there are more good things than bad to await me in the future, but I feel like I'm 89 and looking back on my life where I have a hard time understanding my purpose on this earth.
You know when circumstances get so bad that all you can do is either laugh or cry? What does it mean when you do both? But the crying isn't from laughing too hard, it's all from just being utterly overwhelmed with life.
Last week was my first week off of L&D orientation. Sucked! Day 1, thought I was doing okay. Can't remember exactly what happened, but it wasn't terrible. Day 2, I had 2 labor patients, not good, but I handled it. Day 3, I came back, and found out that 1 of my patients that I thought was a 4, was actually not even 1 c.m. dilated and my other lady who was a 4 turned out to be a C section for being breech.
*breathe*
I turned in my application for a Nurse Midwifery program here in-state. 3-4 days after the deadline, I got an email saying that my application would not be turned in because I was missing transcripts for my transferred credit. I probably wasted $70 on the application, and it'll never even get in front of the admission board for them to decide whether they like me or not.
*just try to breathe*
Then I go to NICU and can't seem to do anything right when I'm there, so day shift is always yelling at me because they do things differently, but I was just following what the previous day shifter told me to do.
*frickin' breathe*
Yesterday I slept through my alarm and my poor counselor texted me 20 minutes into when I was supposed to be there and I didn't call back until 20 minutes after that! Oh my gosh, I feel just so awful. She's so sweet and understanding, but I hate hate hate wasting people's time and it's the holidays. I'm sure she could have been with her family or at home or doing anything else except for waiting for ridiculous me who couldn't even wake up for my 2 alarms.
*just fuckin' take a breath*
Last night, after missing my much needed counseling appointment, I kept tearing up in the middle of feeds. My babies were being difficult (I know, it's not their fault, they're learning how to be alive and eat and manage both at the same time. Lots of work and coordination! Plus parents yell at me on the regular here because of the way the doctors/practitioners change the plan of care all the time.) Regardless, babies can be frustrating and NICU work can be very stressful, even when you only have "feeder growers" because they don't want to feed and growing is even optional. So, between not feeling okay in my NICU knowledge at this hospital, not feeling at all okay in L&D, missing my appointment, being a general thorn in everyone's side, and the myriad of other reasons why I suck as a person... I just couldn't seem to get it together.
Fast forward to 2 hours before my shift was supposed to be up and: my rooming in mom hadn't woken up and she was 30-45 minutes late with her feed, one kid was taking for-frickin-ever to bottle feed and then threw up all over my lap, and my last kid was over in his bed screaming his head off in his inconsolable state.
Maybe I need to just quit breathing at this point and all of the frustrations of life would fade away...
I don't want to be a thorn in anyone's side. Yet, I find myself in a season of being a thorn in EVERYONE'S side, even my poor counselor!
I got to thinking and it's worth note that I cannot plan a wedding. Pinterest has all sorts of cute wedding things, and one of my counseling homework assignments was to make a wedding board on Pinterest of the things I would like to have at my wedding. I don't know what I want for a wedding. I'm not particularly emotionally invested in anything with that. I do, however, have my funeral planned out to a "t". I've had my funeral planned since I was 10 or 12. I know that I was a simple casket, to be buried in gray because I don't feel worthy of being buried in white. I know that I want to be buried in the most simple casket anyone can build, under a weaping willow or some type of large tree. I don't want people dressed up and the reception should be a simple bonfire, with music, and beers. If anyone goes, it would be nice for them to share stories, but having people there doesn't seem realistic, let alone getting anyone to tell stories or even know that I died or to care that I passed. I know that, at 23, I have been a DNR for years.
Last night, I found myself in a position of longing that G-d would let me be done with life. I haven't been here in a long time. Chalk it up to being tired, stressed with so much newness with working L&D, or blame it on me not being able to make it in life without the wonderful support of a counselor because I'm just too weak; but this is not a good place to be. I don't like wanting to be gone and yet being stuck on this earth, in this body, with this life. I can't imaging a bright future. I don't know what it will look like. Not even one little bit.
Will I go on to get my Master's? Doctorate? PhD?
Will I have a husband or family? Will I die alone?
Will I be happy? Or forever chasing happiness, but never able to reach it?
I have no clue what is going to happen. I pray that there are more good things than bad to await me in the future, but I feel like I'm 89 and looking back on my life where I have a hard time understanding my purpose on this earth.
You know when circumstances get so bad that all you can do is either laugh or cry? What does it mean when you do both? But the crying isn't from laughing too hard, it's all from just being utterly overwhelmed with life.
Saturday, December 2, 2017
Dating Blessings
Blessings? For dating? From a website???
Yeah, I stumbled upon this list of 49 blessings for dating on aish.com and they are inspiring.
I love the way that judaism sends people off with blessings for each aspect of their life. Growing up in church, it seemed we prayed to counter-act "bad" things from happening. But in Judaism, there is a fundamental striving to focus on what is going well, how to keep things going well, and how to be in the moment. there is also a huge focus on... blessings.
With my confusion around dating growing by the day, having started several years ago with a middle school friend who asked me out (he got married senior year of high school and now has 3 beautiful children and works hard to provide well for his family). Dating has become a very dark subject in my life.
These blessings not only bring in G-d to the concept of dating, but they provide strength, positivity, and encouragement through the process.
I hope these blessing touch your heart, and help, the way they have helped me.
"The Dating Coach's 49 Blessing for the New Year"
Yeah, I stumbled upon this list of 49 blessings for dating on aish.com and they are inspiring.
I love the way that judaism sends people off with blessings for each aspect of their life. Growing up in church, it seemed we prayed to counter-act "bad" things from happening. But in Judaism, there is a fundamental striving to focus on what is going well, how to keep things going well, and how to be in the moment. there is also a huge focus on... blessings.
With my confusion around dating growing by the day, having started several years ago with a middle school friend who asked me out (he got married senior year of high school and now has 3 beautiful children and works hard to provide well for his family). Dating has become a very dark subject in my life.
These blessings not only bring in G-d to the concept of dating, but they provide strength, positivity, and encouragement through the process.
I hope these blessing touch your heart, and help, the way they have helped me.
"The Dating Coach's 49 Blessing for the New Year"
- May you answer the door when opportunity knocks.
- May you love your life.
- May you soon gain something you've always wanted.
- May you know when to hold on and not be afraid when it's time to let go.
- May inspiration strike at just the right moment.
- May you be satisfied with being perfectly imperfect.
- May you explore new options and open yourself to new possibilities.
- May the challenges you face strengthen your core.
- May your false beliefs evaporate and may you replace them with words of truth.
- May you have time in your week to visit someone in need.
- May you wear your smile, no matter how difficult today seems.
- May your mind be filled with great ideas.
- May you let go of something you no longer need.
- May you overcome what is holding you back.
- May your failures lead to success.
- May you embrace and loving accept your body.
- May you schedule your time wisely.
- May you invite someone new into your world.
- May you increase your confidence and boost your self-esteem.
- May you laugh easily and often.
- May you have the strength to put forth enough effort to get what you want.
- May you be blessed with an abundance of love.
- May you manifest your future by living as if it is already your reality.
- May you receive encouraging words that elevate you.
- May you be motivated to set and reach a new goal.
- May your life be infused with meaning and purpose.
- May you have strength, courage and wisdom to do the right thing at the right time.
- May you be free of financial burdens.
- May you hear what others say and more importantly understand what they mean.
- May you redirect angry energy and use it as fuel towards something positive.
- May you see clearly what you are meant to see and turn away from things not meant for your eyes.
- May you know the right questions to ask and may you be open to receiving the answers.
- May your words, actions or presence bring comfort to someone who is struggling.
- May your eyes be wide open and may you clearly see the messages that are before you.
- May you see clearly the obstacles that are before you and may you steer clear of any challenges.
- May you strengthen yourself, both body and soul.
- May you carry your physical and spiritual loads gracefully.
- May you find something wonderful to do this year that inspires you and connects you to great people.
- May many singles find their soul mate and be satisfied with their choice.
- May those in need of healing recover completely, mind, body and soul.
- May your senses be awakened by a pleasing surprise.
- May you find the perfect place to call home.
- May you visit exceptional places.
- May you be satisfied in being uniquely you.
- May the efforts you make yield the results you desire.
- May you have a good today and a better tomorrow.
- May you find your purpose in the world and pursue it with passion.
- May you harness the wonderful power within you.
- May you have a huge breakthrough!
And let us say Amen.
May God bless our lives with bountiful blessings for the new year.
Shana tova.
Blessings,
BA
Injustices All Around
I crave justice. I strive for fairness in all I do, and simply desire that that be returned to me. Of course, this is ridiculous.
The world is not fair. Life is not fair. Justice belongs only to G-d. He is the only one that can enforce anything, who knows what happens honestly, and who can actually fairly judge anyone.
If life were fair:
The world is not fair. Life is not fair. Justice belongs only to G-d. He is the only one that can enforce anything, who knows what happens honestly, and who can actually fairly judge anyone.
If life were fair:
- Abuse, assault, and pain would be non-existent
- Neglect in care would not be seen for anyone
- IF bad things happened, then people would be fully prosecuted for their wrong-doings
- exboyfriend would be in jail or convicted and registered as a sexual offender
- exfiance would definitely be in jail
- OR, better yet, they would have both been stoned in the "old days"
- This illegal alien with felonies, multiple deportations, and various other charges, would have been imprisoned and charged with murder, because that's what he did
- All these asshole executives would never assault, harass, and torture people just because they think the world should worship them
- There would be children who never know the pain of being abandoned and/or neglected
- Nobody would know the sting of loss
- Best Friend never would have done what he did that hurt me so deeply
- There would be far less damage and pain, if any, in the world
Yet, we all know suffering.
We all know loss, dread, pain, disgust, pain, and the feeling of our hearts breaking.
I'm not allowed to watch the news, as per my counselor. But, it's impossible to not hear or read what is happening in the world.
I'm not allowed to watch the news because it makes me irrationally angry. It hurts my heart. I am overwhelmed with grief for the things I cannot prevent or fix.
It's all too much to handle. Between the weight of my personal burdens, and the smothering fog of the evil in this world, there is no air to breathe.
Saturday, November 25, 2017
New Name
I have been struggling with life. You guys know that... You read all of my mind's workings and tribulations. You sneak peaks into the difficulties I, unfortunately, continue to survive...
Well, this blog has gone from being about nursing school and nursing life, to one about my general life.
As such, and seeing as I don't deal with bedpans so much anymore, I have decided to rename the blog. I will now be Beauty from Ashes. [still BA, so that helps ;)]
Until next time, ladies and gents... I'll be online shopping for the foreseeable future.
***P.S.
I have attempted to change my address, but it seems to have already been taken and then also requested by another family. Long story, my address will continue to be bedpanalley.blogspot.com
Love,
BA
Well, this blog has gone from being about nursing school and nursing life, to one about my general life.
As such, and seeing as I don't deal with bedpans so much anymore, I have decided to rename the blog. I will now be Beauty from Ashes. [still BA, so that helps ;)]
Until next time, ladies and gents... I'll be online shopping for the foreseeable future.
***P.S.
I have attempted to change my address, but it seems to have already been taken and then also requested by another family. Long story, my address will continue to be bedpanalley.blogspot.com
Love,
BA
Saturday, November 18, 2017
Lab Results
So, I went to the doctor... eh, I chose a nurse practitioner in the same group as my doctor because I wasn't quite ready to see my doctor (a dude) and explain my crap to a guy. So, I explained to her, and the student she had with her, a small part of my past, in very gentle wording. Mostly, I only told her that I have a history of trauma. She was so sweet and understanding!
She offered to let me wait for the pap smear, in case that was too triggering, because I told her that I was having flashbacks to my SANE exam. But I went ahead and did it, just to get it all over with, and asked her to talk to me like I'm a student. We had giggles through the exam as she explained it hilariously and was so kind and gentle. Seriously, this woman was absolutely amazing and I was absolutely put at ease and it was very therapeutic.
I also told her I needed to probably get my labs done to see if I got any diseases from the two ding-bats that couldn't keep certain members to themselves. I also asked that my results be put in an envelope and that I NOT be called if they were positive, until I could go to counseling and read over the results.
The whole staff was so understanding about it! I had to call the billing guy, but he was so sweet and easy going about it. I went back the next day, after they were in, and got the envelope and took it straight to my counselor.
I cried the entire way from the doctor's office to my counselor's office... I had been psyching myself up and having "symptoms" all week. I was just sure I was going to have positive results showing that I had diseases.
Well, my counselor saw the envelope in my hand and asked if those were it. I handed it over and she said "okay, let's just get this over with quick!" (She was very kind about it and just wanted me to not fret about it anymore.
So, she read over the results, had to interpret the lab results (because they kept them in medical terms instead of layman's terms (so silly, good thing I'm a nurse!). And she read it, disease by disease to me...
Every thing was negative. *huge sigh of relief*
Then I started crying again and couldn't stop. They were tears of relief, and gratitude, and my stress and lost sleep over the past 2.5 years were all in vain and I am so very grateful. I know that for many who are victims of assault and abuse, that is not the case. It fills me with rage and disgust that certain people go around spreading incurable diseases with little to no remorse and they spread such diseases via force.
Anyway, I digress.
Blessings guys,
BA
She offered to let me wait for the pap smear, in case that was too triggering, because I told her that I was having flashbacks to my SANE exam. But I went ahead and did it, just to get it all over with, and asked her to talk to me like I'm a student. We had giggles through the exam as she explained it hilariously and was so kind and gentle. Seriously, this woman was absolutely amazing and I was absolutely put at ease and it was very therapeutic.
I also told her I needed to probably get my labs done to see if I got any diseases from the two ding-bats that couldn't keep certain members to themselves. I also asked that my results be put in an envelope and that I NOT be called if they were positive, until I could go to counseling and read over the results.
The whole staff was so understanding about it! I had to call the billing guy, but he was so sweet and easy going about it. I went back the next day, after they were in, and got the envelope and took it straight to my counselor.
I cried the entire way from the doctor's office to my counselor's office... I had been psyching myself up and having "symptoms" all week. I was just sure I was going to have positive results showing that I had diseases.
Well, my counselor saw the envelope in my hand and asked if those were it. I handed it over and she said "okay, let's just get this over with quick!" (She was very kind about it and just wanted me to not fret about it anymore.
So, she read over the results, had to interpret the lab results (because they kept them in medical terms instead of layman's terms (so silly, good thing I'm a nurse!). And she read it, disease by disease to me...
Every thing was negative. *huge sigh of relief*
Then I started crying again and couldn't stop. They were tears of relief, and gratitude, and my stress and lost sleep over the past 2.5 years were all in vain and I am so very grateful. I know that for many who are victims of assault and abuse, that is not the case. It fills me with rage and disgust that certain people go around spreading incurable diseases with little to no remorse and they spread such diseases via force.
Anyway, I digress.
Blessings guys,
BA
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