It's strange that the course of events that transpire in one day can take someone from feeling like they are finally doing better in their journey of life, and then a few moments later they can go back to feeling so defeated.
That is me today.
I thought, Great! I'm going to start working on getting legal stuff situated to help me out with these assholes who took everything from me. I am starting to believe my brain about what has actually happened and I know that legally I did what I needed to do. I am beginning to have days where I believe that the actions of these fuckers were not my fault and maybe, someday, eventually, I can possibly be okay.
Yes, I know that "maybe, someday, eventually, and possibly" are all words that sound like I do not believe that I will be okay. That is because "being okay" is something I don't forsee happening. However, I am hopeful that I will eventually work to get a little bit better than I have been in my deepest pits of despair.
Then, I have a day like today. Nothing seems to be going right and it's only 11 in the morning! My professor is being unreasonable and covering her tracks so that her supervisors do not see any problem with her actions. Meanwhile, she takes it out on me and works on publically embarrassing me and any one of my fellow students who tries to make life fair for the rest of us or even future classes.
I still have homework that I need to complete for my next class, a test on Thursday to study for, and a million other things going on in my life.
It's one of those days where it becomes very easy to fall back into bad habits that I thought I was finally starting to grow out of.
It's one of those days that I question why I am here.
It's a day I wish I could live under a rock and not have to worry about the things that plague my life so heavily.
I've said it before, but I'm so very tired.
Being tired is not a physical state of exhaustion where you can go to sleep in hopes that life will be calmer and more clear when you wake up. It's the kind of tired where all I can seem to manage to do is lay in bed and stare at a blank wall. I don't want to deal with "friends," professors, nursing school, the stresses of what to do after graduation, wondering if I will graduate, or even worrying about eating. I find myself going through motions and not actually being present. My body is in the right place that I am supposed to be, but I no longer have a brain, thoughts, or emotions to accompany my body to it's scheduled activities.
I'm tired.
Those are the moments where you take each second as they come - just trying to get through the seconds, minutes, hours - where the basic necessities are barely what you can manage. These are the moments where you need to drink and eat - even when u feel u can't. If u feel u aren't coping well, call your counsellor and make an emergency appt. Talking helps - remember that!
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