Uncooperative Mind

Oh my gosh, it's Spring Break but I have a huge long list of things I need to do. However, I can't seem to stay awake for more than an hour at a time today. What the heck?

If my mind could just stay with me for a couple hours and allow me to focus, I would be the happiest girl in my room! (Not in the world because, let's face it, I'm struggling still.)

So, prayers for productivity on this chilly first Sunday of Spring Break.

Ups and Downs

Roomie's boyfriend turns out to be pretty cool. I'm keeping my distance from everyone right now.

Brother got a 1 a.m. text from me freaking out because nobody is ever going to want me and my brain hates me so it's bringing up all of the terrible things from my past to show me, all at once, in an attempt to kill me slowly. It's not working.

I finished a bottle and a quarter of wine off today once I got home. I'm hoping I'll fall asleep soon.

I have homework but I honestly don't care because my brain isn't even working right now.

Counseling went about how I thought it was going to. Crying and increased flashbacks/nightmares are normal at this point. I'm normal. It's okay for me to be frustrated, but I made a lot of progress in a really short amount of time and now it's time to regress again.

Great.

I'm tired but I'm gonna go for a walk.

Counseling Homework: Journal

*****Fowl language present in this post. Proceed with caution***** 

My homework for this week is to journal each night before bed. Last night's theme: anger. Anger at "friends," anger that exfiance tried to contact me just once I start getting free from his evil grasp on my life, and angry that this is my life.

I'm angry. I'm sad. Mostly, I'm numb between the overwhelming rage at seemingly everything in my life and the bouts of sadness that pepper each day.

So, my homework is to journal. I didn't even tell my counselor about my anger issues because one hour is simply not enough time to be able to process everything I need to process. It barely even scratches the surface because I have way too much noise in my head.

I guess we're going to start working on my self-esteem. I shared my needs and wants list with her, and I suppose the common thread through the need list was basic survival stuff. My wants seem to need a foundation of self-esteem before anything else can happen, I guess. So, that is a next step.


I talked with counselor about reporting the guys. When it comes to this, I get very confused. When I told her I didn't want to report them, we discussed what happens if I don't report them: they don't realize they've done wrong or they knew they did wrong and they continue to believe they can get away with it, they could do this to other girls, etc, etc, etc.

So, I did some soul searching and finally find it in my conscience the desire to report these assholes and hope, best case scenario, that they go to prison or get some kind of legal punishment and record for these wrongs. When I mentioned my desire to report them, I let her know I had been reading about the process and other victim's stories online about the reporting process. Now I feel deflated because I don't think I'm strong enough to go through with the re-victimization that the reporting process can cause.

She, having worked with these cases many times before, let me in on what to expect and the prognosis is not good. With the first one, at least I went and got a SANE exam. After the second guy, I wanted to go get an exam so badly, but he talked me into staying with him and he questioned me if I was going to go get one. He has questioned me about getting a SANE exam several times since then and he uses guilt trips and fear to keep me from ever getting them. Between that and the costs associated with them if you aren't going to report (and I wasn't ready to report them at the time so no compensation would have been given), I had no ability to get the exam done. At least 10-12 of the 14 times he claims we "had sex" could have been used for a SANE exam, but his clutch on me was so intense that he even made me feel guilty for hurting his feelings when I went and got the Plan B pill just to cover my tail that way. He said it was terrible for me to be buying that pill because it meant I didn't believe or trust him. No shit Fucker, I don't believe that you "pull out" and that that is an efficient means of pregnancy prevention because you told me you wanted to get me pregnant!!! SEVERAL FUCKING TIMES!!!

I actually think he was mad at me taking the EC (emergency contraception) because it meant he was not in control of me becoming pregnant. He thought he had control of my mind, my emotions, and my body, but I wouldn't give him total control of "us" (essentially him via my uterus) bringing another life into this world as a result of continued abuse. This thought is a brand new epiphany I got while writing this. Ugh, the weight of what he's done gets heavier. As it gets heavier, the more I realize that everything that could be used as proof, he said over the phone or in person and he can refute all of these points. I have no texts or way to prove that he did this, said this, told me this, yelled at me for hours upon hours, and manipulated me in order to try to make me believe all of these things were my idea and not him manipulating me.

He had to have been planning for the eventuality that this would go to court and he wanted no proof that could be used against him. I think he plans this and has a specific method of action so that he can do this over and over again. That has to be what is going on here because he took measures to make sure that only small talk was done over text but yelling, fights, and difficult subjects where I was trying to stand up for myself as he bulldozed me was all done over the phone or in person. He was planning for no evidence so that he could talk his way out of another felony like he's done for all of his other fucking charges. Granted, these are just speculations, but I've racked my brain and this is just now coming to me.

The idea that he planned this and made sure there was no evidence makes so much sense! He's told me tons of stories where he has the "evidence" of a girl saying "yes" to sex with him but when she wakes up in the morning and calls the cops saying he raped her, then he shows the cop a video of her saying "yes" and they tell her that she is just being dramatic! Nobody knows if she was able to consent and was in a sober state-of-mind, and as far as I know the cop doesn't ask her about that. The only thing he ever told me is that about a dozen girls have told him they raped them, and he comes back with a video of her saying it's "okay" if they have sex.

One day we were talking about the day I woke up naked next to him in that shitty motel, not remembering anything that had happened because he had brought me so much alcohol that I blacked out, he told me he should have gotten me on video consenting. He also told me a few days after that that he felt like he had raped me but later denied ever saying this. Then he said that saying he "felt like he raped me" was a joke that he played because that was the day he picked that 4 hour long fight as he drove me to the proposal in the cabin.

Puzzle pieces are starting to fit together and the memories are coming back.

This is going to be hard. I've been able to block out so much of exboyfriend and exfiance for so long, now I have to begin thinking about this stuff so that I can remember what happened in order to be able to report it to police and brainstorm ways to get these fucking assholes behind bars.

Exfiance was laying the ground work to hurt people, and me, since before I ever met him. How many other girls has he done this to? How many more times will he get away with his evil schemes and how many more lives will he ruin?



I was asked why I want to report them now?

There are a lot of answers to this: I wasn't strong enough to see that I had done everything I needed to do in order to try to stop their actions against me (said no, physically trying to push them away, trying to avoid them, attempting to break up with them, trying to bring other people around when they wanted to hang out, etc); I want to get their actions on file even if there isn't enough evidence to convict them at this time; if other girls come forward, I want to know that I helped get those other girls justice, even if reporting them does nothing for me; I'm beginning to understand what happened to me; I'm not reporting them out of vengeance, I'm trying to consider the safety and life quality of the others they may come into contact with, nobody should have to deal with life the way I'm having to deal with it. Yes, it has taken me months, almost a year, to report them. However, it's taken me this long to get out of a numb state-of-mind so that I could start remembering the details and start realizing that what they've done is one of the worst crimes they can do against another living creature.


I've learned that many victims find reporting their abusers even more traumatizing than the actual assaults were originally. That is absolute bullshit. There is also like less than one person convicted of rape out of every 100 rapes reported. Some of those are fake reports of girls trying to get back at their boyfriends, but so many are unable to be prosecuted in any way because rapes come down to he said, she said.

I think this is because victims are in shock for so long, they don't understand what happened to them. By the time they come to and realize that what happened was against the law, it's often too late for a SANE exam, especially if evidence is needed to prove the rape was done by who the victim claims it was. Many people don't even know you need to go get a SANE exam if you are sexually assaulted/raped. I am in nursing school and have worked in hospitals for years and hadn't ever heard of a specific specialty in nursing for sexual assault cases. When I first heard the term "SANE exam" I thought it was a psych consult to see if I was telling the truth or crazy and reporting something that didn't actually happen. Our society is so backwards and uninformed about sexual assault and rape, most victims don't know and have no mental capacity (due to the shock) to be able to know that there are steps they need to take after something so traumatizing.



So, as far as reporting goes, I was asked to think about it for awhile longer. I was advised to wait until I'm stronger and not going through so much school stress. That poses a problem because I want to move away after I graduate and leave the state. How am I going to report these crimes if I'm in a different state?

Why is life so fucking hard?

Why are there not more intense bad words to fully express myself adequately? Maybe there are no words to be able to describe some things people go through because some things are so heinous and some emotions are so powerful and raw that words don't even come close to being sufficient.

Transitional Nursery Day

Today's post is happy. It's about my day in the "transitional nursery" for OB clinicals.

Well, I spent about an hour in the nursery where I watched one baby, did a couple assessments for the nurse because she couldn't leave said baby, and then I sent a UA down to the lab for a tox screen. That was it.

I then got called down to go to a C-section!!! The "baby nurse" that I was following around does not actually go to c-sections, they leave that for the NICU team, but she does attend vaginal deliveries. Since there wasn't really anything going on, my nurse called my instructor and asked if it would be okay if I went to the OR to watch. Yay! It doesn't matter how many births I see, I still love them all and I can't wait to be in a position where I may even be able to be a nurse in that setting.

Watched that, then followed the baby to the PACU where my nurse was chillin' and helped with the assessment, got to teach the dad of the baby how to put sweeties (sugar water) on his finger and let his baby suck it off to relieve the baby's pain as I gave shots! I loved that! He was so excited that she was sucking so strongly and he enjoyed getting to see what it feels like when baby is sucking on mom. Plus, he was able to soothe baby through painful procedures which made him feel like he was contributing to care instead of just a by-stander.

I'm excited about it because I talked to him like a Real Nurse would talk to a dad! I had all the confidence in the world, asked him to go wash his hands and taught him how to stimulate the baby's suck reflex. He asked what the little cup of liquid was and I told him they were sweeties. He asked what that was and I told him it's basically sugar water and it provides pain relief for the baby during painful procedures since babies are so sensitive to sugar. It was a short, clean response that he seemed satisfied with and I answered it nicely and I think that encouraged him to continue to ask questions! There was a new nurse training with my nurse and when she answered questions for him, he seemed like he felt a little bit offended like he was being talked down to.

Now, that might by my biased opinion because she talked down to me regularly, but maybe it wasn't. Learning point for when I'm a nurse though is answer kindly to all questions. I try my best to do that with colleagues, instructors, doctors (even when they're not nice), patients, and all people in all aspects of life (working, clinicals, and real life). I feel like people ask me a lot of questions and if I don't know the answer, I go research it. However, I generally have an idea when I am at the hospital, of what to say. Sometimes I ask my nurse to help answer so I can get better wording, but sometimes that's not even an option. I pray that people will feel comfortable to ask me questions when I am a nurse and I also pray that I have a general idea as to what the answer is.

Shortly after that baby was born and mom came back to the PACU too, my nurse got a call to go to a vaginal delivery! Yay! Another birth! There were actually two that were supposed to be happening back to back. While we were in with one baby and working on assessing that baby, the other baby was born a minute later. Goodness, it's like all three made sure to all come at once. Now that I think about it, that's how it usually happened when I was shadowing the past couple of summers too. Baby's must come in threes, or at least all at the same time just like old people die in threes... It's just a weird phenomenon that seems to happen on a regular basis.

Regardless, I got to see both of those births, help with 3 rounds of shots and eye ointment administration, and help with a baby's first bath. So exciting! Plus, I've seen about 4 full, head-to-toe newborn assessments and they've really helped me become more comfortable with them.

The other girls in my group are upset with the amount of things I've seen compared to them. Honestly, I've seen a lot but I feel like the L-rd is the One orchestrating all of these amazing opportunities to see things that I am really interested in. It seems like He's preparing me to work in this field. I also think He's giving me so many blessed days so that I can start to have happy days again.

I went to counseling yesterday and read to her my huge long laundry list of good things that happened since our last session two weeks ago (because of the snow day) and she told me I seemed so happy. She said she was proud of me for standing up for myself against Jersey, blocking exfiance, and she saw how excited and glad I was about such a fantastic first day at clinicals. G-d blessed me with all of the experiences I needed to be able to learn the life lessons my counselor is encouraging me through like standing up for myself with Jersey and other friends.

We had just talked about that and then G-d gave me the opportunity to fix it. We talked about coloring at counseling and I came home to my roomie giving me an "adult" coloring book as a belated Hanukkah present! We talked about me being more assertive this week and I ended up voicing my opinions, in a nice way, in order to make my needs known. I'm learning the lessons He wants me to learn. Yes, I'm way late on a lot of them, but I feel like He's working on me. Then, when He knows I'm at my wits end with life and I'm way too sad to go on, He gives me amazing days where I can't help but be in awe of how amazing He is for providing me with these experiences.

I hope these other girls in my group will get to see a bunch of great procedures and have a ton of experiences, I truly do because I know I get excited about it and maybe they would enjoy it too! However, I pray that the L-rd continues to bless me with getting to see so many incredible things and I pray He puts me in the right place, at the right time, with the right people in order to continue to have amazing days for the rest of my nursing school career. I pray these things for the rest of my life too!

Oh L-rd, put me in the right place, at the right time, with the right people to be able to live and experience and amazing rest of my life!

My official counseling homework assignments are:

1. Make a list of needs and wants that I have for my life, not caring what anyone else wants or thinks I need.
2. Figure out how to stop only surviving and begin thriving.

The first one, I can do. The list is probably going to be pretty long, but I think that makes a little bit of sense. I'll probably end up sharing it on here just so you guys can see it.

Now, for the second one, I don't even know where to begin or what it means. I know what it kinda means, but it's not like I got step-by-step instructions on how to get from survival mode to begin thriving. My counselor asked me to think of a time I was thriving. Thing is, I don't know that I ever have. Maybe freshman year of college or sophomore year before Country Boy died? Even then, I don't remember "thriving" except when I was maybe 2. Maybe. I don't know, whatever. I'll think about it.


Anyway, y'all have a wonderful day, or week. I keep posting each day or every other day so you'll probably hear from me soon.

New Exercise Regimine

Hey y'all, I'm starting this new workout regimen with Nurse Dee. I'm trying to get to a point where I am confortable in clothes and to where I can maybe even wear a swim suit...

Yes, I was on a different program a few months ago but I've been slackin'. I thought I was doing good so then I fell off the band wagon. Never assume that you are doing good at anything because that is typically when G-d decides to show you that you aren't as good at life as you thought you were.

Anyway, I just did day 1 of the workout and it was only 8 minutes but I'm shaking everywhere. The workout is Bikini Body Mommy. I'm not a mom and I don't actually plan on being bikini ready, but it seems like a great way to get in shape. It's going to be rough, but that's how you know you're actually doing something, right?

Well, I need to go shower and finish all my homework. I'm fixin' to start Dead Week at school which means it is almost summer time!!! This summer is going to be great and I cannot wait to be done with school for awhile.

This May Be a Book

No, I'm not writing a book on purpose, but this post may be really long because I have had so much going on lately so I will write a shorter version and expound below for those who would rather not read my latest novel...

1) I got an apartment in an interesting complex because of my new/previous neighbors... It's good though.

2) Work is getting better.

3) My brother finally got into my university so he will be moving down with me.

4) My mom wants to move me in on Sunday, but I will be working until 3 so I don't know how that will go.

5) I was going to go see my kids (the children I babysit), but the little boy got sick. I really wanted to see them, but I'm behind in school so maybe G-d just wanted me to stay home a study a little more today.

6) Another boy asked me out...

Explainations:

1) Now, apartment shopping did not go as planned. My mom followed me down to the town my university is in (about an hour - an hour and a half drive) so that we could go look at some apartments in hopes of signing a lease and getting moved in soon. We went to one complex I had seen online and she did not like it at all. So then I took her to another complex that I really liked, she didn't. So, we went driving and exploring and found a few more. One was way too expensive and the other she loved. Turns out that the one she really likes is the one that my guy friends are moving into also! This is good because I will have them and my brother in case anything ever happens. This may not be so good because I am now in nursing school and the guys all like to hang out a lot. I have no time. Since time is such a difficult thing for me to come by, but they seem to have loads of time on their hands, I end up feeling like a bad guy for having to say no all the time because they don't like being told that I cannot do anything ever because I am bound and determined to get really good grades and become a nurse at some point, hopefully in the near future. Only G-d knows how this will end up working out. Until then, I am just relieved I got an apartment.


Since I explained that, let's talk about how nice it is! It feels really small. It's only 900-somethin' square feet, but it's better than the ones I had originally liked. It comes with a washer and dryer for no additional cost... inside of the apartment! So, I will not have to use laundry facilities because I have it in my apartment. My brother and I both have our own rooms and our own bathrooms. This will be so nice for getting ready in the morning because we will be riding together each day to save money on parking passes. We have a fireplace and a porch. We have a kitchen with plenty of counter space for making challah. Our dining room area is a lot bigger than I had expected and the living room is a decent size. So, even though it feels small now, once we put our furniture in, it will likely start to feel homier and it will be very good. Plus, it's on the second (top) floor. It is on the corner of a building and it's the very last building of the complex. So, we have tons of parking, no one banging on the floor above us, only one person directly next to us, and we have a view of the mountains. Praise the L-rd! He answered all of my requests in addition to providing me an apartment and money to pay the rent! It would have been sufficient to just let us have an apartment that I can afford, but He threw in all the things I wanted and lots of things I didn't even now I wanted!

2) Do y'all remember how miserable I used to be at work? Did I ever tell you about it? That was more of a rhetorical question because I can't remember and I'm talking to myself and then writing it down... Anywho, I used to hate work because I am slow, never know what I'm doing, and I felt like a failure most of the time because I would make the other CNA's get behind. Plus, I don't ever really feel like anyone likes me, so that played into my dislike of work a lot too. For the past month or so, however, I have been working a little more than full time hours and I have been making lots of money for my apartment. Since I'm working so much, I am getting a little faster and I made friends! I think they may actually agree that we are friends too because I'm not always the one to instigate the conversations, they come and talk to me just to see how life is really going. Then, they even share their life happenings, many of which are hard and require trust in order to tell me their situations.  So, I now don't mind work so much and I don't feel like a failure at work as often! This may sound odd, but it's good news.

3) He found out yesterday! I was wondering if he would actually get in because it is so close to the time when I need to move down there and he needs to get classes and he wasn't sure if he would be able to come with me. But, right after we signed the lease and he went back up to our hometown (he came down with my mom yesterday to look at apartments), he called the school and they told him he got in! Now I don't have to find a new roommate and I will get to live with my best friend, my brother. He drives me nuts, we drive each other nuts, but we also know how to live to together and we are actually pretty good together. Plus, it will be safer living with him than it would be if I were to live with another girl.

4) This is just a case of my parents loving me so much that they want to rush me into my apartment so that I don't have to drive an hour and a half both ways every day while I live at home. I left my friends house for a little while because I am homesick and I did something very stupid which is still a sore subject. I will tell you guys all about it another day though, once the sting has worn off. So, hopefully I can find a replacement for Sunday so that I don't have to miss moving into my apartment and so that my family doesn't have to do it all themselves because that's not fair for them!

5) This one is self-explanatory really. I haven't seen these kids in a really long time, since my birthday in the beginning of April actually, so I was going to go see them today. Unfortunately, the little boy puked, so his mom texted me and told me I could come if I wanted to, but she would understand if I didn't want to. I think this is actually a blessing in disguise. I feel so bad that he is not feeling well, especially because he is a toddler and toddlers do not take illness well. On the other hand, it is really good because I was stressing out about school because I am a bit behind of where I should be right now. So, now I will get caught up and I can go see them another time real soon. We may even be able to go to the pool instead of me having to leave early from the visit because I have to go to school the same day.

6) Now, this totally blindsided me and it's kind of a long story so hang with me. The girl I was staying with lives in a forest in the town I go to university in. There was a fire near her house and her and her mom were evacuated from their house which means I got evacuated too. We went and stayed at their friends house. At this house, the son had the whole basement to himself. He has a little living room with couches, a bathroom and his bed. So the three of us crashed in his basement while he went and stayed at his grandparents house because they were out of town anyway. I stayed there 4 days without ever meeting him, even though I was sleeping in his bed, using his bathroom, and getting to know his mom. He would come over for dinner every day, but I was working late and he always left before I arrived at his house so our paths never crossed. One day, I didn't have to work late so I actually ate dinner with them. We were all sitting in the living room eating because we were glued to the t.v. and all of a sudden they lifted the evacuation zone so that we could get back in! He and his friend (who also lives at their house) came with us to help us move back in and to make sure everything was safe. Then he texted my friend and asked her for my number. That was such a surprise. I thought he was cute, but since I'm refusing to date my other guy friend, I knew nothing could happen. Plus, I was certain that he did not like me back because I am just not the kind of girl guys typically ask out randomly. So she told me the whole situation, asked if she could give him my number and then he started texting me. We had only talked for a couple hours while we were waiting for the barricades to be lifted and I was so shocked when she told me the whole story.

So, he and I started texting for a couple days, just getting to know each other. He asked if I had a boyfriend and also asked what I look for in a guy. Haha, this poor kid doesn't know me at all! I kept it friendly and told him I don't know what I look for in a guy because I'm waiting for G-d to show me who I'm supposed to be with. Then he asked my friend and I to the movies with him and his friend. I declined because us girls do not have free time and we are not looking to date. He kept it friendly for a couple more days, then he asked me to dinner. Ahhhhhh! I don't know what to do with that. I've never been on a real date and that sounds like it's pretty close to a real date. I told him I couldn't but offered to go to coffee instead. He accepted and we talked for a solid hour and a half, but it only felt like 10 minutes.

I have yet to tell him that I'm not looking to get a boyfriend and I don't think he will like my boundaries if we ever were anything more than friends because we have very different morals. Those differences though will probably keep me from allowing this to become more than friends though.

But, he like muddin', hunting, fishing, working on engines, racing, and so many other things that I find so much fun! He is very masculine with dark hair, dark eyes, a souped up truck, and he is kind of a country boy that is stuck living in the city. He wants to be an EMT but he already has an Associate's degree in diesel mechanics and he is really smart. I have a think for country boys with souped up trucks and dark eyes... This doesn't seem like it can work though because he is Catholic, which is good because he is a believer, but our beliefs are very different. So, maybe G-d wants us to get married down the road, but for right now it seems like I am getting a "no-go" from the L-rd as far as dating is concerned.

After we went to coffee though, he hasn't texted me. It's been two days... I always wondered why it was such a big deal of who texts first after a "date" (I don't really consider this coffee meeting an actual date). I'm starting to understand it a little more though. If I text him, then I am not sure if he really likes me or not. If he texts me, then he may think that I am not interested in putting in the effort to text him. In my opinion, the guy should be in control. He should text/call first after a date. He needs to show the girl that he is interested in her and she has to be responsible to tell the guy that she is/isn't interested in furthering the relationship with him. I'm super traditional and old-fashioned though.

So, I am flattered that he thought I was cute and worth while because I still see myself as the chubby kid in class that thought she was ugly because she always hung out with really pretty girls who got asked out (since first or second grade on). Also, he thought I was attractive when I thought he was attractive too. I had a little crush on him from the time he went home that night from helping us back in all through work the next day but I doubted that anything would come of it because I was a mess, I said stupid things, and I'm not one of those pretty girls that guys usually ask out. I know that I am beautifully made, and very intricately designed, but I have a hard time believing that guys thing I'm pretty. This boy told my friend he thought I was gorgeous. That's a flat out lie and probably a line to get her to give him my number. Whatever, I had a small dose of confidence for a few days, especially since he said I was gorgeous even though my hair was up and a total wreck, my face was breaking out, and I was stressed because of work, school, and being homeless from the evacuation (their house is fine, I just felt homeless because I was displaced from living with my friend and it felt like I was living out of my car).

Now, I also feel guilty for even going to coffee with this guy because I have another guy that has a thing for me. I was not made for anything like this, I am not used to it, and I do not know how people even try to date two people at one time. I'm not even dating either one of them but I feels like I am in two separate relationships.

End of story for now.

Countdown Continuation

I now only have:

Anatomy: 1 lecture and my final
Chemistry: extra credit project and the final
Psych: my final
English: 1 lecture and the final paper

Then I am done. Getting done with the last day of lecture has never been so sweet and I am only half-way done. Tomorrow I have Anatomy, English and then chem lab (which I am actually sad to not be going to anymore) and then time to study for finals! Also, I whipped out 3 1/2 more pages on my English paper this morning before the meeting with my professor and even though I don't know what I am supposed to be writing about, she said it was good. That is a total G-d thing because I am so beyond lost with this paper. She also gave me great advice on how to tweak and continue which is awesome because I had come to the end of what I should write about and didn't know what I was going to say next. I am going to miss my English professor, my psych professor and my chem lab instructor. G-d has blessed me with all good teachers, but they just happen to be my favorites. That's one thing that is unfortunate about schooling of any kind, you are with these teachers/professors and students for several months (sometimes the majority of a year) and then you take a test and never see them again. It's really quite unfortunate because G-d always gives me amazing teachers that really care about their students and the material they are teaching, which shows and is way important.

Daily Thanksgiving: I have been fairly productive today. I am half way through my list of final lectures (only 3 more to go out of 6) and I am slightly optimistic about this summer and my final grades. I am very blessed and G-d is the only one I can thank for that.

Sweet Relief Is Coming!

I have some great news... I just took my last anatomy lab practical of my life (L-rd willing)!!! I have been studying for this test for such a long time and even though I didn't know all that I would have liked to know, I am pretty sure I passed the test with at least a C. I'm still praying for an A, thinking I got a B, but it could be a C, I don't know. It's that awful time right after a test where I think I did alright which means that I probably bombed it completely, which I just absolutely hate because I get so confused with not knowing how I did. Oh well, it's over now!!! And the countdown begins:

Anatomy: 1 lecture, 1 homework assignment, and my final
Chemistry: 1 lecture, 1 homework assignment, extra credit project, and the final
Psych: 1 lecture, and my final
English: 1 lecture, a meeting with my professor, and the final paper

Then, I get to be on summer break!!!... for a week. But, I am excited for microbiology and I really need to be done with the HESI to get that off my mind too.

Daily Thanksgiving: I can see the light at the end of the tunnel (I don't know if it's daylight or a train barreling towards me but we will soon find out). Summer is a week and a half away. I have a place to stay near school for the summer. I can count down the assignments I have to complete before finals on one hand. I am finished with anatomy lab!!! That, my friends, is a beautiful feeling because I was told it was going to be too hard to take anatomy and chemistry in my first year of college, but G-d brought me through. Even if I only pass the course with a B, He still allowed me to pass by more than the skin on my teeth (meaning I had a buffer with a B as apposed to a C or D).

No Snow, Snow Day

Today campus was closed for a second snow day this year! Here's the kicker though, we barely have a centimeter of snow! I think they closed school because of the high wind, but it still seems silly to not have terrible amounts of snow but to still call it a snow day. Whatever! I love that I got my homework done in advance and didn't have to go to class. Unfortunately, it means that I have to make up my anatomy lab, but that probably won't be too bad.

Three tests next week, a paper, and a chem quiz. Plus I have an interview for a scholarship tomorrow and a chem lab quiz on Thursday, but it's really more of a test. The following week, I have one more test, and then the last stretch of school before finals! I am so ready to be done with school, I can't hardly believe I'm almost done with my first year of college. It has been crazy, but so fun and definitely worth all the stress, tears, and struggles. L-rd willing, I will still be saying college was worth it when I graduate in about 3 years.

Also,  since I didn't get the RA job, I was stressing out about where to live and who I could room with. Yesterday, my friend that I used to be in a dorm suite with asked if I wanted to live with her! I'm super excited because we got along, we know how to live with each other and she is not someone who is constantly up in my business. She pushes me to do better with people, not procrastinate, and also pushes me to be more athletic (but I am finally starting to enjoy it on my own anyway). Hopefully we can find an apartment that we can afford and L-rd willing we will have a good year next year.

On a totally un-related note, I have decided to do the stair hike again this Saturday. Yes, I will think this is a bad decision again when I show up, but I really enjoy the feeling I have when I get to the top and I need to be able to climb it in under an hour. I am bound and determined to be able to climb this thing close to 30 or 45 minutes by the end of summer. That means practicing at the gym and every Saturday I possibly can.

My love life: Who are we kidding, I don't have a love life.

Daily Thanksgiving: I got a snow day! I was super productive with homework, laundry and straightening my dorm room. I now have a roommate for next year and school is almost done for the year. Also, I got into the community college so that I can take microbio over the summer and drop a 17 credit hour semester down to 13!!! Today, I have so much to be thankful for. Everyday we have so much to be thankful for, today I just have a huge list that is coming to mind.

My tip of the day for nursing school: Look at your necessary classes for your degree early on and plan which classes to take during the summer. If your school offers interim classes that give you 3 credit hours for one week of intense schooling, definitely do it! If you can take summer courses and whittle away at your heavier semesters, definitely do it! Anything to take less classes in one semester is best so that you can study more and keep your grades up without going insane. Trust me, you will go insane anyways, but it's all worth it.

April 1st = Success

Today, I was suprised that no pranks were pulled on me or my friends (that I knew of). Seeing as we are in college, there was definitely potential to have a disastrous day, but it was uneventful. Maybe that was because it was the first day back to school and everyone was tired from their spring break adventures. Anyway, it was a success because it was a good first day back and no catastrophes!

Off to the gym tonight. I gained 5 pounds from being home for 1 week, count it... 1! That's pretty sad. I didn't even eat junk food, I just ate a bunch of leftovers. Oh well, it will likely come off in a week because I can't eat much at the cafeteria except for fries and salad, so not to worry. Also, I have decided that I want to have a toned body for the summer this year. Most of my life I have been slightly overweight, enough to make me uncomfortable, but I don't want that to be the case anymore so I have to change it. If I make it to my desired fitness level, I will not wear a bikini still, because it is so not modest enough for me, so I will continue to wear my tankini... under guy swim trunks and my surf shirt. Even that barely hides me enough for comfort and the shorts go slightly past my knees and the shirt has sleeves half way down my arms. Seriously, if I could swim in sweatpants and a long-sleeve shirt, and not look super silly and if the material didn't cling to my body when I got out, I totally would!

Moving on, I have no homework. It's the craziest thing but I actually did work over spring break. Shhh, don't tell anyone. But I think I should start working ahead from now on because this is pretty nice, not having to do tons of homework for the classes the next day. Plus, now I have time for the gym.

By the way, Pinterest is dangerous for me. I go through the fitness section and I'm all pickin' out workouts thinking, "Ya, I can do this!". Then, when I have time, I don't do any of them... I wish I was better at working out, but I am working to fix this so that it is not just a wish. Folks, I don't know how to motivate myself. Looking at pictures of skinny, fit people doesn't work, it just makes me sad. Bribing myself doesn't work, I just give up and decide I didn't want the bribe. Same thing when I try to get friends to bribe me... Seeing my swimsuit doesn't motivate me because I just got a bathing suit that works for me, but when I am trying on bathing suits I just get depressed and start crying, leading me into a dark place for the next week or two. I tell ya, it seems so much sends me into a depression. I really do try to control it, and I try to take steps to manage or fix what is making me depressed, but sometimes I just can't hold it off. Does anyone have any advice? Besides sending me to a mental hospital or locking me away... Seriously though, I think, maybe, I should get checked out. Back to my motivation problem. Does anyone have advice for motivation? Any advice at all would really help, with any of my posts because I am pretty sure I come off as being a huge sack of crazy rolled into a 5'7", slightly chubby package.

Daily Thanksgiving: Psych was cancelled, I am done with most of my homework and reading for this week and April Fool's Day didn't involve pranks! This was a good day. And I get to work out, which I am excited for, making the day even better.