I feel like I scare my friends, and you all in blog land, on a regular basis by the words I put forth from my brain. There are ridiculous amounts of anger, explicit language, and some emotions that have never been put on a radar for humans and have no labels for them.
I hate some things that should be beautiful. I despise my body for the things others have done to it. And, let's face it, I'm a regular downer. I'm processing life and I went from a more up-beat person to one filled with rage and pain.
Today, I read an article by Bethany about birthing after sexual assault. In fact, I think that's the name of the article... You can see how well my brain is working tonight...
She mentions many similar emotions to what I express, but she simply names them to keep focus on her goal. Her goal was to explain how birth actually helped her heal and see the beauty in her body. Her body is not a toy or piece of amusement for some person. Her body grew and housed a tiny, brand-new human being. He body produces milk to feed said infant. Her body is a work of art that produces and sustains life. It brought about her daughter, who is proof that goodness comes from sex. She is with a man who loves and appreciates her and does not take her body for granted. She is in a stable, committed relationship full of love and that love resulted in a baby, whom she absolutely loves.
While, at this point in my "healing" process, I don't fully trust that my body will be loved and respected the way I so desired to be treated, her article brings to light some important details that were absent from my irrational rant from last night.
1) Sex is supposed to be wonderful, fun, healthy, and an expression of love.
2) Such sex is possible after sexual assault and rape.
3) Having a child may not re-traumatize a sexual assault victim. In some ways it might, but it may also help to empower the woman and prove to herself how strong she is.
4) Healthy relationships exist (though I'm not certain I've really seen one...)
5) My negative emotions are okay and understandable after what has been done. If you've gone through a similar experience, it is okay to be upset and angry and frustrated. Just remember not to take it out on those who love and cherish you. Those in your life who are trying to help you heal should not be hurt on your path to healing.
I'm still not convinced sex will ever be a positive experience in my life, but I'm 21. I might have a lot more life to live and G-d may choose to prove me wrong and make it okay someday...
For right now I don't like it. It makes me angry thinking about it or hearing about it.
My poor dear friend got to hear a shortened, sweetened version of my rant today. I don't think she was prepared. I told her I hated it and that it has completely ruined my life. She was shocked and asked if I ever liked it. I told her I never did because it was never my choice. She didn't know how to respond. I didn't expect her to know how. I ended the conversation on a few jokes, but I think I upset her.
Maybe someday I'll learn to keep my thoughts to myself. In the meantime I get to deal with the aftermath of my runaway mouth, broken brain, and abused body.
Showing posts with label birth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label birth. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Transitional Nursery Day
Today's post is happy. It's about my day in the "transitional nursery" for OB clinicals.
Well, I spent about an hour in the nursery where I watched one baby, did a couple assessments for the nurse because she couldn't leave said baby, and then I sent a UA down to the lab for a tox screen. That was it.
I then got called down to go to a C-section!!! The "baby nurse" that I was following around does not actually go to c-sections, they leave that for the NICU team, but she does attend vaginal deliveries. Since there wasn't really anything going on, my nurse called my instructor and asked if it would be okay if I went to the OR to watch. Yay! It doesn't matter how many births I see, I still love them all and I can't wait to be in a position where I may even be able to be a nurse in that setting.
Watched that, then followed the baby to the PACU where my nurse was chillin' and helped with the assessment, got to teach the dad of the baby how to put sweeties (sugar water) on his finger and let his baby suck it off to relieve the baby's pain as I gave shots! I loved that! He was so excited that she was sucking so strongly and he enjoyed getting to see what it feels like when baby is sucking on mom. Plus, he was able to soothe baby through painful procedures which made him feel like he was contributing to care instead of just a by-stander.
I'm excited about it because I talked to him like a Real Nurse would talk to a dad! I had all the confidence in the world, asked him to go wash his hands and taught him how to stimulate the baby's suck reflex. He asked what the little cup of liquid was and I told him they were sweeties. He asked what that was and I told him it's basically sugar water and it provides pain relief for the baby during painful procedures since babies are so sensitive to sugar. It was a short, clean response that he seemed satisfied with and I answered it nicely and I think that encouraged him to continue to ask questions! There was a new nurse training with my nurse and when she answered questions for him, he seemed like he felt a little bit offended like he was being talked down to.
Now, that might by my biased opinion because she talked down to me regularly, but maybe it wasn't. Learning point for when I'm a nurse though is answer kindly to all questions. I try my best to do that with colleagues, instructors, doctors (even when they're not nice), patients, and all people in all aspects of life (working, clinicals, and real life). I feel like people ask me a lot of questions and if I don't know the answer, I go research it. However, I generally have an idea when I am at the hospital, of what to say. Sometimes I ask my nurse to help answer so I can get better wording, but sometimes that's not even an option. I pray that people will feel comfortable to ask me questions when I am a nurse and I also pray that I have a general idea as to what the answer is.
Shortly after that baby was born and mom came back to the PACU too, my nurse got a call to go to a vaginal delivery! Yay! Another birth! There were actually two that were supposed to be happening back to back. While we were in with one baby and working on assessing that baby, the other baby was born a minute later. Goodness, it's like all three made sure to all come at once. Now that I think about it, that's how it usually happened when I was shadowing the past couple of summers too. Baby's must come in threes, or at least all at the same time just like old people die in threes... It's just a weird phenomenon that seems to happen on a regular basis.
Regardless, I got to see both of those births, help with 3 rounds of shots and eye ointment administration, and help with a baby's first bath. So exciting! Plus, I've seen about 4 full, head-to-toe newborn assessments and they've really helped me become more comfortable with them.
The other girls in my group are upset with the amount of things I've seen compared to them. Honestly, I've seen a lot but I feel like the L-rd is the One orchestrating all of these amazing opportunities to see things that I am really interested in. It seems like He's preparing me to work in this field. I also think He's giving me so many blessed days so that I can start to have happy days again.
I went to counseling yesterday and read to her my huge long laundry list of good things that happened since our last session two weeks ago (because of the snow day) and she told me I seemed so happy. She said she was proud of me for standing up for myself against Jersey, blocking exfiance, and she saw how excited and glad I was about such a fantastic first day at clinicals. G-d blessed me with all of the experiences I needed to be able to learn the life lessons my counselor is encouraging me through like standing up for myself with Jersey and other friends.
We had just talked about that and then G-d gave me the opportunity to fix it. We talked about coloring at counseling and I came home to my roomie giving me an "adult" coloring book as a belated Hanukkah present! We talked about me being more assertive this week and I ended up voicing my opinions, in a nice way, in order to make my needs known. I'm learning the lessons He wants me to learn. Yes, I'm way late on a lot of them, but I feel like He's working on me. Then, when He knows I'm at my wits end with life and I'm way too sad to go on, He gives me amazing days where I can't help but be in awe of how amazing He is for providing me with these experiences.
I hope these other girls in my group will get to see a bunch of great procedures and have a ton of experiences, I truly do because I know I get excited about it and maybe they would enjoy it too! However, I pray that the L-rd continues to bless me with getting to see so many incredible things and I pray He puts me in the right place, at the right time, with the right people in order to continue to have amazing days for the rest of my nursing school career. I pray these things for the rest of my life too!
Oh L-rd, put me in the right place, at the right time, with the right people to be able to live and experience and amazing rest of my life!
My official counseling homework assignments are:
Now, for the second one, I don't even know where to begin or what it means. I know what it kinda means, but it's not like I got step-by-step instructions on how to get from survival mode to begin thriving. My counselor asked me to think of a time I was thriving. Thing is, I don't know that I ever have. Maybe freshman year of college or sophomore year before Country Boy died? Even then, I don't remember "thriving" except when I was maybe 2. Maybe. I don't know, whatever. I'll think about it.
Anyway, y'all have a wonderful day, or week. I keep posting each day or every other day so you'll probably hear from me soon.
Well, I spent about an hour in the nursery where I watched one baby, did a couple assessments for the nurse because she couldn't leave said baby, and then I sent a UA down to the lab for a tox screen. That was it.
I then got called down to go to a C-section!!! The "baby nurse" that I was following around does not actually go to c-sections, they leave that for the NICU team, but she does attend vaginal deliveries. Since there wasn't really anything going on, my nurse called my instructor and asked if it would be okay if I went to the OR to watch. Yay! It doesn't matter how many births I see, I still love them all and I can't wait to be in a position where I may even be able to be a nurse in that setting.
Watched that, then followed the baby to the PACU where my nurse was chillin' and helped with the assessment, got to teach the dad of the baby how to put sweeties (sugar water) on his finger and let his baby suck it off to relieve the baby's pain as I gave shots! I loved that! He was so excited that she was sucking so strongly and he enjoyed getting to see what it feels like when baby is sucking on mom. Plus, he was able to soothe baby through painful procedures which made him feel like he was contributing to care instead of just a by-stander.
I'm excited about it because I talked to him like a Real Nurse would talk to a dad! I had all the confidence in the world, asked him to go wash his hands and taught him how to stimulate the baby's suck reflex. He asked what the little cup of liquid was and I told him they were sweeties. He asked what that was and I told him it's basically sugar water and it provides pain relief for the baby during painful procedures since babies are so sensitive to sugar. It was a short, clean response that he seemed satisfied with and I answered it nicely and I think that encouraged him to continue to ask questions! There was a new nurse training with my nurse and when she answered questions for him, he seemed like he felt a little bit offended like he was being talked down to.
Now, that might by my biased opinion because she talked down to me regularly, but maybe it wasn't. Learning point for when I'm a nurse though is answer kindly to all questions. I try my best to do that with colleagues, instructors, doctors (even when they're not nice), patients, and all people in all aspects of life (working, clinicals, and real life). I feel like people ask me a lot of questions and if I don't know the answer, I go research it. However, I generally have an idea when I am at the hospital, of what to say. Sometimes I ask my nurse to help answer so I can get better wording, but sometimes that's not even an option. I pray that people will feel comfortable to ask me questions when I am a nurse and I also pray that I have a general idea as to what the answer is.
Shortly after that baby was born and mom came back to the PACU too, my nurse got a call to go to a vaginal delivery! Yay! Another birth! There were actually two that were supposed to be happening back to back. While we were in with one baby and working on assessing that baby, the other baby was born a minute later. Goodness, it's like all three made sure to all come at once. Now that I think about it, that's how it usually happened when I was shadowing the past couple of summers too. Baby's must come in threes, or at least all at the same time just like old people die in threes... It's just a weird phenomenon that seems to happen on a regular basis.
Regardless, I got to see both of those births, help with 3 rounds of shots and eye ointment administration, and help with a baby's first bath. So exciting! Plus, I've seen about 4 full, head-to-toe newborn assessments and they've really helped me become more comfortable with them.
The other girls in my group are upset with the amount of things I've seen compared to them. Honestly, I've seen a lot but I feel like the L-rd is the One orchestrating all of these amazing opportunities to see things that I am really interested in. It seems like He's preparing me to work in this field. I also think He's giving me so many blessed days so that I can start to have happy days again.
I went to counseling yesterday and read to her my huge long laundry list of good things that happened since our last session two weeks ago (because of the snow day) and she told me I seemed so happy. She said she was proud of me for standing up for myself against Jersey, blocking exfiance, and she saw how excited and glad I was about such a fantastic first day at clinicals. G-d blessed me with all of the experiences I needed to be able to learn the life lessons my counselor is encouraging me through like standing up for myself with Jersey and other friends.
We had just talked about that and then G-d gave me the opportunity to fix it. We talked about coloring at counseling and I came home to my roomie giving me an "adult" coloring book as a belated Hanukkah present! We talked about me being more assertive this week and I ended up voicing my opinions, in a nice way, in order to make my needs known. I'm learning the lessons He wants me to learn. Yes, I'm way late on a lot of them, but I feel like He's working on me. Then, when He knows I'm at my wits end with life and I'm way too sad to go on, He gives me amazing days where I can't help but be in awe of how amazing He is for providing me with these experiences.
I hope these other girls in my group will get to see a bunch of great procedures and have a ton of experiences, I truly do because I know I get excited about it and maybe they would enjoy it too! However, I pray that the L-rd continues to bless me with getting to see so many incredible things and I pray He puts me in the right place, at the right time, with the right people in order to continue to have amazing days for the rest of my nursing school career. I pray these things for the rest of my life too!
Oh L-rd, put me in the right place, at the right time, with the right people to be able to live and experience and amazing rest of my life!
My official counseling homework assignments are:
- Make a list of needs and wants that I have for my life, not caring what anyone else wants or thinks I need.
- Figure out how to stop only surviving and begin thriving.
Now, for the second one, I don't even know where to begin or what it means. I know what it kinda means, but it's not like I got step-by-step instructions on how to get from survival mode to begin thriving. My counselor asked me to think of a time I was thriving. Thing is, I don't know that I ever have. Maybe freshman year of college or sophomore year before Country Boy died? Even then, I don't remember "thriving" except when I was maybe 2. Maybe. I don't know, whatever. I'll think about it.
Anyway, y'all have a wonderful day, or week. I keep posting each day or every other day so you'll probably hear from me soon.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Medical TV Shows
I follow the blog The Days When I'm Not a Nurse and she starts a blog discussion about various topics every month. This month it is about medical TV shows.
Seeing as I have watched almost everything that has anything to do with medicine since I was a ripe old age of 5, I would say that I have a little to say about the subject.
First, I would like to say that my favorites include (but are not limited to): Scrubs, House, Birth Story, Teen Mom (has little to do with medicine except for the delivery part of the show, but I like seeing the babies), Emily Owens M.D., and Mystery Diagnosis. Also, Call the Midwife is probably my favorite because it is so stinkin' cute in all ways!!!
With that said, I do find most of the shows highly unrealistic but fairly fascinating. I really like Mystery Diagnosis because it a real-life account of some House quality mysteries. I like House because he is cynical, sarcastic, and ridiculously smart. Plus, they have really cool, weird diseases/symptoms. Emily Owens is so cute and awkward that it brings me comfort because I am much like her, just less pretty. Scrubs reminds me of my dorky guy friends so that helps me with home-sickness, and one of the main characters is a NURSE! Ya, that never happens. We need more shows about nurses, folks, because they have so many funny and interesting stories. Call the Midwife, Teen Mom, and Birth Story are also so interesting to me because I am obsessed with birth, pregnancy, babies, and all related information to the labor and delivery process. I have been since before I ever started preschool and my fascination continues to grow each year.
So, we need more nursing shows that are fictional, but that bring in the hilarious encounters that nurses actually face. I have read many stories that had me bawling and hiccuping from laughing so hard. Guys, that is my favorite Saturday night entertainment. Then there are the stories of how nurses touched families and helped them through difficult times in their life. Unfortunately these stories hardly get shared even though they happen all the time. That is what nurses do and I think it would help the general population understand just a tiny bit of what nurses bear and go through for their patients.
Do you have any shows you would like to add? I'm sure I missed a bunch of shows and points. Ultimately, these shows are just for vegging, not for learning or for portraying reality. They are some of my guilty pleasures...
P.S.
I got a 92% on my BHA test today!
Seeing as I have watched almost everything that has anything to do with medicine since I was a ripe old age of 5, I would say that I have a little to say about the subject.
First, I would like to say that my favorites include (but are not limited to): Scrubs, House, Birth Story, Teen Mom (has little to do with medicine except for the delivery part of the show, but I like seeing the babies), Emily Owens M.D., and Mystery Diagnosis. Also, Call the Midwife is probably my favorite because it is so stinkin' cute in all ways!!!
With that said, I do find most of the shows highly unrealistic but fairly fascinating. I really like Mystery Diagnosis because it a real-life account of some House quality mysteries. I like House because he is cynical, sarcastic, and ridiculously smart. Plus, they have really cool, weird diseases/symptoms. Emily Owens is so cute and awkward that it brings me comfort because I am much like her, just less pretty. Scrubs reminds me of my dorky guy friends so that helps me with home-sickness, and one of the main characters is a NURSE! Ya, that never happens. We need more shows about nurses, folks, because they have so many funny and interesting stories. Call the Midwife, Teen Mom, and Birth Story are also so interesting to me because I am obsessed with birth, pregnancy, babies, and all related information to the labor and delivery process. I have been since before I ever started preschool and my fascination continues to grow each year.
So, we need more nursing shows that are fictional, but that bring in the hilarious encounters that nurses actually face. I have read many stories that had me bawling and hiccuping from laughing so hard. Guys, that is my favorite Saturday night entertainment. Then there are the stories of how nurses touched families and helped them through difficult times in their life. Unfortunately these stories hardly get shared even though they happen all the time. That is what nurses do and I think it would help the general population understand just a tiny bit of what nurses bear and go through for their patients.
Do you have any shows you would like to add? I'm sure I missed a bunch of shows and points. Ultimately, these shows are just for vegging, not for learning or for portraying reality. They are some of my guilty pleasures...
P.S.
I got a 92% on my BHA test today!
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