Trying Something New...

If you've followed me for any length of time, you probably know that I am neurotic and really weird when it comes to dating. I wasn't planning on dating until later into my college career but my plans have changed.

I got a boyfriend today. Wow, that is weird to say.

It's my best friend from last year. He asked me out before and I just wasn't ready. I'm still not ready. However, I'm taking a leap of faith and giving into my heart for once. It may blow up in my face and then I'll be right back on here venting about how stupid I was for ever trying something like this. Maybe I'll learn a thing or two. In fact, I've already learned a bunch of stuff. I learned how to start a hard conversation and how to direct the conversation. That's huge for me because if something makes me uncomfortable (and it's not required for work or something) then I avoid it at all costs. Hard talks are one of those things because I don't want people to know the deep innards of me. That is all mine. It's even hard to go to G-d with that stuff, but He taught me how to do that.

I don't really know what G-d wanted for me with this. I don't know if He was giving me a go-ahead or if He wanted me to be strong and resist. It seems like I can't hear Him lately. I think that's because I'm listening to music constantly and unintentionally ignoring Him. Why is it so hard to focus on listening and talking to Him? I know that He is still there with me regardless of what happens, unless I remove myself from His presence and instruction, however, I also know that I haven't been working so hard to stay close with Him. This lukewarm thing is really not good because I don't know His voice anymore. I haven't heard it in months. What if me dating this boy was actually a really bad idea and I screwed up a ton of stuff? I know G-d can fix it if need be, but I don't want to go through unnecessary heart-ache and pain because that's just silly. I also know that I'm freaking out and that's making me over-think everything right now.

I prayed for faith building and to be able to hear Him last week in church. That is like praying for patience... Asking for those things is sketchy because G-d gives you a billion ways to develop that particular trait instead of just giving you the trait. Needless to say, my week has been rough and I don't know if this whole boyfriend thing is part of that or not. Scary!!!

I'm headed to church. Goodnight y'all and Shabbat Shalom!

Oh my goodness, I forgot to tell you that I'm going out to lunch with him and his mom tomorrow. I'm super nervous. I've met her before and we get along just fine but I'm really awkward and weird.

"They're starting to build their own eco-systems..."

This, as said by my brother, amused me far more than it should have. He was asking me to do the dishes because we are out of all dishes because neither of us have done them at all this week. This is way gross, I know, but I'm a college student and don't have a whole lot of time.

I did clean my room today, though! I also finished unpacking my room because I haven't completely unpacked since I moved in here over the summer. Unpacking is huge for me because since we lost our house when I was in high school, I never trust that that won't happen again. Plus, I have moved almost every year since then and it is a huge inconvenience to pack and unpack an umpteen number of times as I move from house to house with my parents and also move back and forth from college. So, long story short, I am settling in even though I may only live here for another 8 months or so. I guess we'll see where the L-rd wants us next year!

I have a confession, though, I didn't clean my room just to clean. I cleaned it to avoid studying for my pharmacology test tomorrow. Super bad decision. I have studied for the test, however, for several hours over the past few days. Hopefully I don't fail it. I really need help learning how to study and I also need to teach myself motivation so I can start studying weeks ahead so that I can actually learn my material instead of guessing on every question. If only I could figure out how to do this...

Started on St. John's Wort today. I am self-medicating to see if I can avoid going to the doctor for my depression symptoms. My brother has been informed to watch for worsening symptoms in me, but I doubt it will begin to kick in for a few weeks.

I had a Redbull and sweet tea. It explains a lot about this post, I know.

Another bad decision: I have been listening to country music for the past few days. Also, I keep playing with make-up when I come home. I am trying to decide if I should wear it tomorrow, but I probably won't.

Do you ever feel like being surrounded by tons of friends and having everyone do something fun with you? I'm having one of those days. By tomorrow I should be back to my normal self, trying to avoid any contact with anyone.

Pinterest has suddenly caught my attention. I find myself planning outfits, dates, and my wedding. I don't have any prospect of getting a boyfriend anytime soon, but my poor decision to listen to country music has got me thinking about what type of bf I want, what we should do on dates, and how I want to look on said dates. I need to stop this nonsense before it gets me in more trouble with myself!

Daily Thanksgiving: I made it to work today. I cleaned my room. My day went by quickly. I got Chick-fil-a and sweet tea. I am getting better at doing my make-up. I got some hopefully helpful herbs to help with my current sad and helpless state. I get to go home (real home) to see my mama, daddy, and my dog! I have studied over the past few days so I'm not super stressed about my coming pharm test, but I'm still nervous because this class is nuts!

Good night y'all.

Blog Feed

I just became a member on AtYourCervix's blog and the coolest thing happened! Now her posts appear when I open my blog homepage and I don't even have to check her blog all the time now. I had no idea that was possible but it makes Blogger a little bit more like Facebook with that convenience! So try it out, become a member of a blog, mine or anyone's, and see if you like it. I certainly like that feature and I wish I would have known about it sooner.