Where has the time gone?!

My only final was completed last Monday. I'm so sorry I did not update you guys, life has been all sorts of crazy busy lately. So, I will take it one bit at a time.

Grades: 2 A's and 1 B for this last semester which is pretty good! The final in my class ended up being a test that nobody did well on so the teacher made it only 1% of our entire grade so I got to keep my A in the class. Oh my goodness, praise the L-rd! I had gone out dancing the night before instead of studying and I actually met a guy.

On the subject of that guy, he asked me to dance. I agreed. He asked for my number. I gave it to him. He proceeded to text me after the stupid, customary 2-day waiting period and we've kinda hit it off. So, after spending most of the last week with him, he's my boyfriend. Super early and I'm not sure how compatible we are together, but he got the sexual assault/rape information out of me and he's been really supportive and sweet. Thus far we've been going full-throttle, and I told him that, and he's agreed to slow it down a bit. Right now he's in another state because he travels with his job for 2 months and then he comes back for breaks of 2-3 weeks. In that time we'll be able to talk and see if this is something that will work out or not. It's concerning that we met each other at a bar... and I don't trust anyone, especially not now... but there's something about him and I don't know what it is. I guess we will see. His name is Redneck BF (R BF for short).

Counseling went okay. We talked a little bit about coping strategies for me but the best one so far is distraction. As long as I stay really busy and go out a lot, I don't seem to have issues. However, when I sit still for too long or stay up too late, that's when I start having troubles. I feel like I'm going crazy though, I had to learn mindfulness exercises and they help when I'm in the office but not so much in the real world.

I worked last night for the first time since the incident. I had a 2 hour long anxiety attack and could only rock myself back and forth while telling myself that "I am okay". It seemed like I was doing better, but the night shift and the vast amounts of dark space with near silence is not conducive to avoiding the thought of what happened and what I wish could have happened. Alas, work + minimal sleep today after work = a very tired girl who believes she may be able to have a decent night's rest tonight. Well, L-rd willing, of course.

I hope all y'all are doing well in your respective places in the world.

Never Thought I Would Be Here

Since the break-up, SANE exam, and various other stressful events that have recently taken place in my life, I have been encouraged to start seeing a counselor. I went for the first day today and it was more of a "screening" to see what therapist that would fit my needs the best.

I was classified as a crisis.

Due to this, I have bypassed the wait list and will have at least 6 sessions before I am re-evaluated to determine if I need more intensive therapy or if I have been making enough progress.

I am now in therapy.

My nursing school also has drives for supplies, food, and toiletries for different organizations and causes. Recently, they started a drive for toiletries for the local sexual assault organization that I had been talking with for counseling and help through this whole process of the SANE exam and various other issues related to the assault.

I cannot escape this and the memories and flashbacks!

I opened up my Facebook today and was met with a video titled: "This Man Logged On To Facebook And His Rapist Appeared Under 'People You May Know'" Granted, I was already friends with EXboyfriend, but I cannot outrun this event that happened in my life.

For the past several days, I have spent my time coloring in children's coloring books and watching Veggie Tales. I spent $60 to buy all three seasons of Veggie Tales from Amazon... but that's beside the point.

Deep breath.

Deep breath.

Deep breath.

Shock of the Week

For my last week of clinicals, the census was ridiculously low on my clinical floor. I'm talking 11 patients between two nurses and many of those patients were going to get discharged throughout the day. Crazy low! So, my clinical group, all three of us, were placed on a different floor.

The day was going really well. I got to hang a bunch of IV stuff, give some shots, see chest tubes, and do all sorts of fun stuff with an excellent nurse. I made it to the end of the day and walked to the other end of the extremely large unit. Guess who I run into! EXboyfriend's mom... She was super sweet and I asked what she was doing there. We chatted for a little bit and I asked if EXboyfriend had told her we had broken up. She said that he had and that when I get a job opportunity, I just have to take it. She said he was bummed about it but she encouraged me to go where work was. I was so confused! After she left, I texted him to let him know I had seen her and to ask him what he was telling people as far as the reason we had broken up. He blamed it on my decision to move to another state after graduation because I already have a job pretty much lined up at Mema's hospital. He asked if I was ma about the story. I told him that I'm not upset with the story because it keeps it simple and I can roll with that, even though it is an absolute lie.

Meanwhile, it is killing me that he doesn't even know the hoops I have had to jump through, the no eating, the nausea, the ER visit, the ER bill, the contraception pill, the nightmares, and everything else that I am having to go through. Yes, I have support from friends, Mom, and my brother ended up guessing what EXbf had done because I sorta let a little something slip when I had been drinking a little bit and he was my designated driver... I am also signed up for counseling... Anyway, EXbf knows nothing of my misery because he couldn't keep it in his pants and keep his promise to me. I just want to tell him, I just want him to hear the pain in my voice, the anger that he stole my future, me crying on the other end of the phone. Even all of this would do the whole process of my grief and pain no justice, but then he would know and I wouldn't be bearing this burden in complete secret while he is simply upset that I broke up with him. I'm not only going through a breakup, I'm dealing with the aftermath of sexual assault and I will be stuck with that for the rest of my life.

I had been doing okay, and then I saw his mom.