Where has the time gone?!

My only final was completed last Monday. I'm so sorry I did not update you guys, life has been all sorts of crazy busy lately. So, I will take it one bit at a time.

Grades: 2 A's and 1 B for this last semester which is pretty good! The final in my class ended up being a test that nobody did well on so the teacher made it only 1% of our entire grade so I got to keep my A in the class. Oh my goodness, praise the L-rd! I had gone out dancing the night before instead of studying and I actually met a guy.

On the subject of that guy, he asked me to dance. I agreed. He asked for my number. I gave it to him. He proceeded to text me after the stupid, customary 2-day waiting period and we've kinda hit it off. So, after spending most of the last week with him, he's my boyfriend. Super early and I'm not sure how compatible we are together, but he got the sexual assault/rape information out of me and he's been really supportive and sweet. Thus far we've been going full-throttle, and I told him that, and he's agreed to slow it down a bit. Right now he's in another state because he travels with his job for 2 months and then he comes back for breaks of 2-3 weeks. In that time we'll be able to talk and see if this is something that will work out or not. It's concerning that we met each other at a bar... and I don't trust anyone, especially not now... but there's something about him and I don't know what it is. I guess we will see. His name is Redneck BF (R BF for short).

Counseling went okay. We talked a little bit about coping strategies for me but the best one so far is distraction. As long as I stay really busy and go out a lot, I don't seem to have issues. However, when I sit still for too long or stay up too late, that's when I start having troubles. I feel like I'm going crazy though, I had to learn mindfulness exercises and they help when I'm in the office but not so much in the real world.

I worked last night for the first time since the incident. I had a 2 hour long anxiety attack and could only rock myself back and forth while telling myself that "I am okay". It seemed like I was doing better, but the night shift and the vast amounts of dark space with near silence is not conducive to avoiding the thought of what happened and what I wish could have happened. Alas, work + minimal sleep today after work = a very tired girl who believes she may be able to have a decent night's rest tonight. Well, L-rd willing, of course.

I hope all y'all are doing well in your respective places in the world.

IT on pause

Today was my last day working my IT job for the summer and possibly forever. It is so surreal that I have finished my second year of college (well, one more final tomorrow) and I am finished with one school-year of working as an IT person. Not quite sure if it is good or bad yet, we shall see.

In light of it being my last day, I would like to tell y'all a funny story. Well, it's kinda funny... for me...

One of my friends that works IT with me asked me to a party this Friday. He was telling me how great it would be and it's all in his apartment complex. I said "no" just flat out. There was a smile on my face but I told him no. He and his friend continued on about how fun it would be and yada, yada, yada. Then he asked if I was single. He has a girlfriend so he wasn't asking for himself. Turns out he has a friend who is Messianic who was going to be at the party and my friend was absolutely convinced I needed to go so that I could possibly meet this fellow. I told them no because I am ridiculously awkward and I was planning on getting my tongue pierced so I would be unable to speak. Then they tried for 10 minutes trying to convince me that I am not awkward because I wear cowboy boots to school and they don't know anybody in cowboy boots that are awkward... Yikes, these boys just haven't spent enough time with me. That and they are both really charismatic which means they could have a conversation with a rock and the rock would talk back and none of the conversation would be awkward.

My mom laughed at that story for like 5 minutes...

Happy Finals Week everyone. Finish strong! I believe in you.

Pregnant and Coping

Guys, I think I'm pregnant. I've been nauseous, moody, and all sorts of discombobulated for the past couple of months. Except it's physically impossible for me to be expecting because I know how babies are made and I didn't do that. I don't even hold hands with boys... So maybe I'm just stressed?

Next week is finals. I am coping by laying on the couch with my favorite blanket and watching children's movies (today's viewing is Croods). It's a wonder I am allowed to live on my own and take care of other people's loved ones seeing as I act like a 3-year-old any time I get stressed, sad, or otherwise not happy or at least normal.

In other news, I taught my pall how to drive stick today. Let's name her Pretty Princess. So, PP is one of the other girls in my nursing program and we met last year through Best Friend in the dorms. She is hilarious and stupid gorgeous. Like, I'm jealous that she is so charismatic, thin, gorgeous, and smart. But, hey, I'm blessed that I met her and that we found Big Red on the first day because we make quite the trio. BR was also with us as we were practicing starting and stopping in the parking lot outside of our nursing school. Oh man, it was so hilarious! All three of us yelling jokes and names at each other and just having a good time with it. I needed this so bad and it was awesome therapy.

I got a little carried away with pictures so enjoy this never-ending stream of pictures/memes I found on Google!

ALL DONE!!!

Folks, I finished all my finals!!! Better yet, G-d let me pass the first semester of nursing school when I was certain I would fail at least 1-2 of my 5 classes!

The feeling of being done is so beautiful I can't even describe it. But G-d got me through. Oh man, I just can't get over that fact. Now I get to move onto clincals and get into some actual nursing.

My last final today for Foundations I studied for a total of probably 30 minutes because I could get a 0% and still pass. Man, 95% of the questions had an answer of "All of the above" and 4% had matching. Seriously 2 questions actually required me to pick out the answer that was an actual answer besides "All of the above". How crazy is that!?! Granted, I was a bit paranoid at the time and my Scantron was filled with the answer D, but my friends said their was the same way so I think I may get to keep my one A for this semester!

The teacher for that class is also my teacher for Basic Assessment and I may end up getting a solid B instead of a B- for that class because she is dropping the 2 quizzes that were ridiculously hard and that counted for 10% of our grade. Instead, she is making our final grade go from 10% of our total grade to 20%. Moral of that long-winded story is that I may get one less B- than I thought!!!

Yesterday was a good day and it just kept on getting better. Today is even better than yesterday and it continues to get better. I'm scared for tomorrow because this is either a manic episode or G-d is just letting me have a slight break from the craziness that surrounds me on all sides. Either way, I can't tell. Oh well, I think I'm going to enjoy a little down time before I work tomorrow at my IT job and I'll let you guys know how Friday night out with my nursing class goes, if we end up going out. Now, that I got the day back off from work (after they called me in, I ended up emailing my boss and backing out) nobody even knows if this shindig is still going down!

Icing on the cake that was my day, my hair curled enough to look absolutely adorable. Aaaaaaah, this was a good day.

Finals Week Is Upon Us

Many of you out there are aware that it is finals week. Whether you are in school currently or not, it's all over my Facebook and I hope I'm not the only one. Due to this dreadful week, I have good news and bad news. Ready?

Bad:
I got a 76% on my pharmacology math final. That is because I did it mostly by hand and I'm sure my math was incorrect. So, I get a B- for that class. Moral of the story: before taking a math exam, MAKE SURE YOU HAVE PENCILS AND CALCULATOR IN BACKPACK/BAG!!! They were conveniently situated on my bedside table at home when I arrived at the final. Terrible, terrible day. I hate getting a bad grade when I knew the material but forgot my tools at home. Totally my bad, but it suck all the same.

I was unable to bring my Patho grade up beyond a B-. Again, my bad for slacking the first part of the semester.

Basic assessment class finishes with a B- due to unknown circumstances. Really, I had no idea what was going on in that course and we were not tested on anything that we were taught... I have good news about this class later.

I'm an all around grump for being mere fractions of percentages away from a straight up B but couldn't break through. That's so frustrating!

Good:
While I am disappointed with my Basic Assessment class overall, I did get a 90% on the final and a 99% on my final assessment evaluation! The teacher originally marked me as 100% because I think she likes me for some reason, but I admitted that I forgot one part so she took a point back. Still, I am so very pleased with that grade!!!

I got a B in Pharmacology! A 92% on my final made sure that I not only passed but I got a B instead of a C or that dreaded B-! Praise the L-rd for getting me through that class and giving me a gracious teacher that pretty much gave us a play-by-play study guide so we could rock the final. Plus, she let us use our books on the test before this. G-d certainly had his hand on my in that class because that was my most difficult one.

In my Foundations course, we have a final worth 10% of our overall grade, but even if I don't take it, I can get a solid B. I may not even show up tomorrow. Well, maybe I ought to, just so I know that I worked to try to get at least one A this semester. Sheesh, it's so disappointing to know that I will never be a 4.0 student EVER in my nursing school career, but hey, by the grace of G-d I may just graduate and pass the NCLEX. That, plus a caring heart and maybe a couple other things, will allow me to pursue my dream to become a full-fledged nurse. Mainly, that's what I want. The OCD side of me, though, wanted a 4.0. Unfortunately, that didn't even happen my first semester... Oh well.

Finally, I PASSED MY FIRST SEMESTER OF NURSING SCHOOL!!! Most people say it gets slightly easier after this because we are building on this first semester knowledge. I sure hope so.

Sippin' Sweet Tea

Just sittin' here sippin' some home-made sweet tea wishing the sugar hadn't settled to the bottom (I'm drinking the last bit of it and boy howdie! It is far too sweet for me.) I took my lab practical and final chapter exam Wednesday and I take my comprehensive final today.

Chapter Exam: 72% after adjustments
Lab Practical: 88% (I'm really pleased with this score because I was sure I hadn't done very well)
Comprehensive Final: I will update you later

I am having huge troubles studying though! 1) I have never taken a true comprehensive final before. My teacher says she gives the same final every semester to see how she is doing with teaching, but I heard it is ridiculously hard. Like, harder than her other tests. Plus, I heard this from some of the smartest people in our class who had to take it early because they have lives this summer. 2) I calculated the minimum score I need to pass the class. It's a 0. So, if I wanted to pass with a C and not worry about it anymore, then I could just skip this silly test. 3) I calculated what I need to pass with a B. That's only 30/120 points. This was probably a really bad thing to do because I have not been studying well all day. Knowing that an A is impossible and passing is a sure-thing, I have given up my fight with this class. I just don't care. That's not totally true. I do care, but I'm one of those people that will give up trying so hard for something if the outcome is so certain (as is the case here). I kinda wish I wasn't like this, but I wish that I would have done a million things differently this summer instead so that my A could have been earned, even if I did have to fight really hard for it. At least then I would know that I did my best. I think that's what bugs me about not getting A's. It's the fact that there is a score reminding me that I did not live up to my expectations or goals, especially when I only had this one class to take!

C'est la vie, eh?

On the bright side, my mom is here at our apartment and she brought... my Punkin! (Yes, I know I technically spelled that wrong, but that's how I pronounce it). It's my dog. The sweet, miracle of a dog G-d blessed me with in the 6th grade who embodies the entirety of a 6-8 page journal prayer. I still have the prayer too. She is my baby and I have missed her so much! When I come home, or when she gets to see me after being apart for a long time, she is so happy that she does this little wriggle thing and starts whining. The whining is super weird for her because she never whines or barks, unless there is an intruder or some kind of danger or when she sees me, I guess.

Work went really well yesterday. I worked with my favorite CNA and my favorite LPN last night. Both of them are trying to set me up with the LPN's brother. Good news there: he's not moving here anymore. He is on the army reserve and could not get transferred to this state from his home state so now I don't really have to worry about this fictional relationship suddenly coming to life. They are still quite convinced we'll find each other in some romantic, serendipitous way and he'll bring me home to meet his family where I will find the LPN welcoming me to the family with open arms. Me: ya, that's not gonna happen. But, I kept up with the girl who works that floor every night and I even had harder people. Well, normally they are harder, but everyone was completely exhausted last night. Normally, some people will stay up until 10 or 11 p.m. Everyone was in bed by 8:30... It was beautiful!

More to come tonight if I can remember. Daily Thanksgiving will likely be done then too. Hey, are y'all trying the thanksgiving thing? You know, everyday you find something new to be thankful to G-d for, even silly stuff like no traffic jam or sleepy residents. It can change your life and prevent the psychology thing of one wrong thing making you think of everything else that went bad that day. Just try it, it's good stuff.

Off to take a shower, get ready for my comprehensive final and then... NO MORE MICROBIOLOGY!!! Plus, shopping with my mom. Yay!

Finals are Finally Finished!

Yes, I was trying to use alliteration. I am that nerdy that I like to do silly stuff like that, and I'm cheesy.

Anyway, I took my last final exam of freshman year and I am officially finished with my first year of college!!! Y'all, I thought I would be happier, but it's really bitter sweet. This is the last night in my dorm room. I will likely never live this close to my friends every again and I will not be eating all my meals with them and seeing them all day, every day. While I am happy to be out of school for the summer (one whole week for me), I am also very sad that this year has come to an end. It was really exciting and I had a lot of fun. I also learned a ton in my classes and even more about people. It also seems that I have learned a lot about myself too. I am stronger than I ever thought. I am able to rely on G-d even though I make terrible mistakes. Also, I am capable of making friends.

That last one was a huge deal for me because I have lived my whole life wondering what is wrong with me and why people will not hang out with me. It turns out that I am nice to everyone and the people that really jump on nice people are people that may not be so nice themselves. So, while I am a little bit nuts and may not be a great friend, I am not the only problem in the majority of the failed friendships I have been a part of in the past. Confrontation, forgiveness, courage, and independence (from people, but dependence on G-d) are huge lessons that I began to learn this year. Of course I am not anywhere near through learning these yet, but I have a pretty good start on them.

Another huge one is that I can be liked by a boy. I have been "liked" just like I have been "friends" with people. In reality, it just means that I am being used and walked on. While I am very grateful for the experiences and lessons I have learned from these people, I am even more glad that G-d showed me that I can be cared for too. This is a big deal for me. It seems like all my life I care for everyone around me so deeply, but I never see that caring reciprocated. In this recent case, I'm liked back and someone likes the way I smile and laugh. He likes me for me and respects my boundaries... once I get around to discussing those with him (which I also did tonight).  I was fearfully and wonderfully made. Someday, I can be cherished by a man. Perhaps I will be married to a guy someday, that loves G-d more than he loves me. And he will love me more than he loves the things of this world. But, our marriage will be based on G-d, first and foremost. This is possible, despite the many shortcomings I find in myself and the various doubts the Adversary tries to sneak into my brain.

Daily Thanksgivings: G-d gives me the words I need to explain what He has impressed upon my heart. He protects me and guides me through the various problems and struggles I have in this life. I am cherished by the Creator of the Universe and someday He will teach a man how to cherish me too. Freshman year has come to an end and I have made so many friends and learned so very much. Finals are over!!!

Loooooong Day

Today was devoted to studying for my anatomy final. I do think I'm starting to understand the material a little bit better, and now I am wishing I would have studied the way I did today for my last three tests... Hopefully, this makes it so that I can take educated guesses on the question I don't know about, so that I can get a good grade. L-rd willing I will get a good grade because I know I can't do it on my own. G-d kept me focused for a really long time today. Every once in a while I would watch YouTube videos, or check my 17 emails (not really, I have 1 personal one, 2 for two different schools and one for work) and my phone. Besides those breaks, I kept my phone on silent and, for the most part, stayed studying! That never happens with me, so I know it was a G-d thing.

I am so ready to be done though. It seems like the days leading up to test are the worst because you don't know what it's going to be like. Then you get to the test and it's totally not as hard as you expected. Even when you don't know the material, typically you know that you covered it in class at some point. However, there are those tests where the teacher was using the wrong book to write the test because they are asking questions about Shakespeare when you studied for a geology test because the test is in geology... That didn't really happen to me, but I think it would be funny, after the initial shock of how ridiculous it is subsided.

I still feel like a complete failure at friendship. This is probably going to be a constant thing or the rest of my life though, so I'll just get used to it. I will work on being a better friend, but no matter what I do I always come up short. That's where G-d meets us though, so I know I'm not alone and I'm not out of reach. Why do I constantly find myself in a struggle with friends? Problems always have to do with me though because if they do something that would normally offend someone, I ignore it. Unless, of course, they are offending another one of my friends, then I kindly step in and ask them to not speak poorly of my other friend. But for any other circumstance that would hurt someone, I overlook it or don't even notice it. So, the problem in my friendships is me. I keep doing stuff to hurt people or to make them sad at me. Yes, I said sad at me, not mad.

Folks, I really need to find the problem with me because I don't like hurting and offending other people. The more I have thought about my friendships and relationships of any kind, the more I notice that I keep people at arm's length and then I go off and find a corner to live in. With my roommates, I didn't talk to them when I was offended. Then they got offended and stopped talking to me. So, what do I do? I go and get my very own dorm room where I don't live with anyone else. What happens when guys begin to show interest? I talk to them for awhile, then I pull away. Eventually, I pull away so much that I end up under a rock. I should just stay under my rock and not talk to people because that gets me into trouble...

Do you have any advice? Any stories? Any help would be greatly appreciated!

Daily Thanksgiving: G-d kept me focused and I was quite productive today. Also, I think I'm starting to understand the material for my last final on Thursday. 1 more test and then I am no longer a freshman!!! I packed most of my stuff and it all fits into 4 tubs so far. I should only have a microwave, fridge, those tubs and a duffel bag to leave college with. Things are beginning to get better with my old roommates. I am not uncomfortable around them and they waived at me through the window! I think that's a good thing. We also got rain today which I love. One of my favorite experiences is afternoon rainstorms after a hot, sunny, summer day. To me, it is such a beautiful feeling, I can't really explain it.

Finals Day #1: Complete!

I am finished with my finals for today and I think chem went well, but I'm not so sure about psych. I really think I bombed psych.

In other news, I drank a Red bull after my last final, on an empty stomach, and now I feel kinda funny. I normally don't handle caffeine well anyway (I get heart palpitations the next day, and I get shaky), and now I am getting shaky and really hot. I can't tell if I'm hot because it's 80 degrees out or the sudden caffeine spike. I should have eaten something when I drank it... I don't even know why I drank it, but I'm hoping it helps me to focus.

So, since I have gotten back from my last final for today, and I had a few hours to kill, I made a beautiful chart depicting my class schedule for next year. It has two parts! One for if I don't get into the nursing program the first try, and another in the blessed event that I do get into nursing school for Fall 2013.

Either way, I will have less classes (because the are longer) than I do this semester. It is a slightly easier schedule too since I am taking microbio over the summer!

Daily Thanksgiving: I am finished with 2 of my 3 finals! I think the chem final went well! It's really nice out and I got to wear a dress to class for the first time (and likely last) this semester!!! I love dresses.

I'm off to go play catch with my friends. Today, we are playing with a baseball, which means I will have lots of bruises from trying to catch with my left hand...

Finals Day #1

Today is my first day of finals. I take 2 of 3 today and I'm kinda freakin' out. I only have chemistry and psych, but I need an A on this chemistry test in order to hope for an actual A in chemistry instead of a A- or a B+... Those pesky "-" signs really bring down your GPA! I was surprised how much weight that little guy has last semester. Now, I'm looking at getting a B in Anatomy which will lower it even more.

Kids, this is what happens when you don't focus and slack off in anatomy your first year of college. Don't do what I did. Have fun, but focus on school, especially you nursing students out there. If you do that, you will be fine and have a good time anyways because you won't be so stressed about getting your grades back up from being in a pit.