I was taking a shower today, after running around my house getting everything in it's place, when I started being bombarded with memories. Bad memories.
I started asking G-d, "Why me? What did I do? How is this my lot in life? Why do I have to deal with this? Why did you not just let me die?" etc., etc.
About two questions in, I could feel my heart pounding, breath getting shallow and quick, eyes went into tunnel vision. I felt like I was going to pass out, but I couldn't calm the anger and the hurt. The next 30 minutes consisted of me yelling, praying, sobbing, shaking, hyperventilating, and shaving my legs... all at the same time. How do I manage to be such a great multi-tasker? I have no idea.
I keep thinking about what I want to say, in case my reports ever go to trial. I want to say so much, but I know I will freeze on the stand and my brain will freeze if I begin to draft my victim impact statements now but boy, can I scream everything I need to say when I'm in the shower!
Exboyfriend's town called a couple days ago telling me they had gotten a report from College Town that I had been sexually assaulted (raped) in their town. College town had no jurisdiction in Exboyfriend's town and so it had to be transferred.
I've been dealing with that for a week. At first I was nervous about how this would effect him, then I remembered how much his actions have effected me and my whole life. He forever changed the course of my life with his poor choices that weekend. Oh, I wish I would have kicked him, fought him, and called the cops right then. Unfortunately, I was completely in shock. I was paralyzed and in a daze that whole weekend.
Because of Exboyfriend, I met Exfiance. He didn't introduce me, but I was going out a lot, looking for a good time to get away from the terrors living and replaying themselves in my head constantly.
It's crazy to think that one person can make you hate yourself. They can make you hate your body, your memory, your life, and hate the fact that you wake up each morning to fight another losing battle of a day. They can make you hate yourself enough that you stop feeding your body, you start taking pills, smoking, cutting, or otherwise abusing the very vessel that holds the essence of who you are. One person's choices can make you fight to not pick up the bottle, not down the pills, not pull the trigger, and not crash into a ditch.
So now, I am here. A shell of who I used to be. I can never me back. I can never have the same ability to see the best in people. I can never have the same easy smile and no assumptions that people are only out to hurt me. I can never feel pure, whole, and complete. I can never erase the memories. Who knows if I have some disease that I won't be able to get rid of in addition to the rest of it.
It makes me wonder why we, as a collective people, fight so hard to keep people from suicide. Not saying I would do it, but I understand what it is like for me to not want to wake up another day. Why do we insist on saving those who so clearly see no point in being here on this earth? Why do we call the police if someone is talking about suicide at home/work or place patients on a 72-hour hold at hospitals if they come to us saying they want to die? Why do we put people on antidepressants? Which can potentially make the suicidal ideations worse and help give the people enough energy to go through with the suicide. If people are so miserable with the hand they were dealt or produced for themselves, why are we holding them earth side?
This doesn't mean that I don't support getting professional help and trying to reach out to those having a hard time, but why make people live if they have no quality of life and are sick of being here? There is not a day that goes by that I don't wish that I could have helped Country Boy, but if there was a chance for him to have been able to reach out for help, he didn't extend that plea to me. He had a plan and he carried it out. For him, there was no use in living in a world without his dad. He had too much pain to bear on his own and he couldn't figure out how to share it. Meanwhile, I have a lot of pain (in my own opinion) and even with sharing it, I feel I am constantly drowning. Today, with my panic attack, it showed that my head is no longer staying above the water. The stress of reporting, painful memories, moving, not being able to work, having bills that I cannot pay, and stress I can't even describe is overwhelming me.
It's so hard to surrender your anxieties to the L-rd when your life is stripped from your grasp. It's so hard to ask for help when nobody can hear you from the depths of your chasm. I know I have no control over my life, but I feel like I'm in a car with a sleeping, drunk driver and the car is swerving on it's own. However, the ride sucks so badly I hope it crashes soon so that the drive will come to an end, I don't even care about making it to wherever I thought we were headed.
Showing posts with label panic attack. Show all posts
Showing posts with label panic attack. Show all posts
Friday, June 24, 2016
Tuesday, May 3, 2016
Overwhelmed, but Not Stressed
This weekend was an odd one. It's the one actual weekend where I can point to on a calendar and show people that my family fell apart. I went back home to help my parents move, this last weekend. They've been talking about separating for years, but they never actually go through with it because they somehow find a need for each other, usually financially.
Well, this time, it actually happened. Mom bought an RV a couple months back and Dad told her he refused to live in it. Long story short, the landlord for their house decided she wanted to now sell the house instead of renting it out anymore, so she gave them 30 days notice. Dad found an apartment and Mom found a place to park her RV.
At first, when I was told about 6 months ago that they were talking about splitting up, I was relieved. I know that this relationship has been hard on both of them, and they only really stayed together for us kids (my brother and I) but that's not fair. As the date approached, I started getting more stressed. Then the anticipation led to fear and all of a sudden I felt like my whole family was going every-which-way and that I would be all alone, in a big ol' world, to fend for myself. *Flip BedpanAlley's panic attack switch...*
It was rough going for me for awhile. After talking with Counselor about it, I ended up realizing that my parent's relationship wasn't the only thing that I was losing. I felt I was losing touch with family, I was losing my home, I am coming to the end of school, I'm losing "friends", I'm moving to another state in a month or two, I'm having to start a new job, and I am on the brink of a complete life turnover. That's intense. I don't know if you've gone through things like this, but man alive is it hard. Plus, I'm "graduating" from counseling, which has been one of only a couple steady relationships that I've ever had in my life. So, lots of bitter-sweet things happening.
Well, since my parents have been living apart for the past 2-3 days, they both call me almost every day to check on me. Granted, that's because I'm sick. However, they both sound happier and lighter. Sure, I'm certain they might be sad, but I think they figured out their feelings awhile ago and dealt with those while still living with each other. Granted, they are only living separately. My Dad went over and helped my Mom hook up her RV at the little park place. Dad is still going to go back to help finish setting her up. Mom is still going to be nice to Dad and probably continue to give him haircuts. The only thing that is different is that they don't live under the same roof or pay bills together anymore. It's super weird, but hey, if it works for them it works for me. They are talking nicer to and about each other and they're keeping nice because they like each other as friends, but can't handle staying together all the time without kid buffers. That's a normal developmental stage, according to some psychologist that I was supposed to learn about in my Pediatric Nursing Class... that I don't pay attention to... because I'm coloring in the back...
So, whatever. It only made me cry a couple times when thinking about it. However, once I think about it even more and look at the good in the situation, it's much easier to see that this is just something that needed to happen and that it was actually a good thing.
People keep snapping at me. Maybe I'm just that irritating or maybe everyone's just stressed. It could be a combination. Honestly, everyone can be irritating if someone is already stressed. The thing about snapping at me is that you can't simply slap a "sorry" on it and make the whole thing better. I shut down when someone yells at me, in any capacity. It's something I've always done and I am working my hardest to get past it, but it may be one of those roadblocks that I never fully get over.
For those of you who love someone or know someone who has been a victim of sexual assault, an abusive (in any sense of the term) relationship, or comes from a tough childhood background, please be extra cognizant of how you treat them. Some of us in this world have been given a lot of people who push us into the ground. In order to survive, our fight or flight has been molded into more of a shelter in place and become as small as possible. Don't mistake this as weakness, understand that this was our survival tool that kept us from more trouble than we had already experienced. We can still take "criticism" and you can still fully express yourself to us, but be gentle. Remember to think about what you actually need to and intend to say, and say it calmly. Make sure not to make personal attacks, but communicate clearly and logically. We need time to process, in many cases, before we can be able to respond. Do not demand an answer right away, because we may not have one for you yet. If you open up the talk as more of a conversation where we can be heard too, things will go smoother. Then, just know that we may be more reserved and quiet for a few days or a few weeks. Be patient with us. Many of us have learned that trying to have our voice heard about issues only causes more problems for us so we have a tendency to avoid conflict and be slow to warm up. Pick your battles. If it is something that is not a huge deal and you can handle it for awhile longer, please do so. Even better, learn to drop it. If it is something that needs to be addressed, address one or two things at a time and don't bombard us with a huge list of things that we do wrong. We'll see that as us being a failure and that you don't like/love us anymore. Trust me, we know what pisses everyone off about us and we do our best to not do those things. Some things are unavoidable and we are flight risks. It doesn't take much to set me off and shut me down for weeks. Something as little as a 3 second snap at me can cause huge problems for weeks that I have to work through.
So please, just be cognizant that some of us have a hard time with communication and with our thinking process. It's not that we're dumb or incapable of discussing things with you, sometimes we just need more time than people who have learned how to be able to discuss or fight for themselves. We haven't necessarily gotten the opportunities to learn how to do that.
Well, this time, it actually happened. Mom bought an RV a couple months back and Dad told her he refused to live in it. Long story short, the landlord for their house decided she wanted to now sell the house instead of renting it out anymore, so she gave them 30 days notice. Dad found an apartment and Mom found a place to park her RV.
At first, when I was told about 6 months ago that they were talking about splitting up, I was relieved. I know that this relationship has been hard on both of them, and they only really stayed together for us kids (my brother and I) but that's not fair. As the date approached, I started getting more stressed. Then the anticipation led to fear and all of a sudden I felt like my whole family was going every-which-way and that I would be all alone, in a big ol' world, to fend for myself. *Flip BedpanAlley's panic attack switch...*
It was rough going for me for awhile. After talking with Counselor about it, I ended up realizing that my parent's relationship wasn't the only thing that I was losing. I felt I was losing touch with family, I was losing my home, I am coming to the end of school, I'm losing "friends", I'm moving to another state in a month or two, I'm having to start a new job, and I am on the brink of a complete life turnover. That's intense. I don't know if you've gone through things like this, but man alive is it hard. Plus, I'm "graduating" from counseling, which has been one of only a couple steady relationships that I've ever had in my life. So, lots of bitter-sweet things happening.
Well, since my parents have been living apart for the past 2-3 days, they both call me almost every day to check on me. Granted, that's because I'm sick. However, they both sound happier and lighter. Sure, I'm certain they might be sad, but I think they figured out their feelings awhile ago and dealt with those while still living with each other. Granted, they are only living separately. My Dad went over and helped my Mom hook up her RV at the little park place. Dad is still going to go back to help finish setting her up. Mom is still going to be nice to Dad and probably continue to give him haircuts. The only thing that is different is that they don't live under the same roof or pay bills together anymore. It's super weird, but hey, if it works for them it works for me. They are talking nicer to and about each other and they're keeping nice because they like each other as friends, but can't handle staying together all the time without kid buffers. That's a normal developmental stage, according to some psychologist that I was supposed to learn about in my Pediatric Nursing Class... that I don't pay attention to... because I'm coloring in the back...
So, whatever. It only made me cry a couple times when thinking about it. However, once I think about it even more and look at the good in the situation, it's much easier to see that this is just something that needed to happen and that it was actually a good thing.
People keep snapping at me. Maybe I'm just that irritating or maybe everyone's just stressed. It could be a combination. Honestly, everyone can be irritating if someone is already stressed. The thing about snapping at me is that you can't simply slap a "sorry" on it and make the whole thing better. I shut down when someone yells at me, in any capacity. It's something I've always done and I am working my hardest to get past it, but it may be one of those roadblocks that I never fully get over.
For those of you who love someone or know someone who has been a victim of sexual assault, an abusive (in any sense of the term) relationship, or comes from a tough childhood background, please be extra cognizant of how you treat them. Some of us in this world have been given a lot of people who push us into the ground. In order to survive, our fight or flight has been molded into more of a shelter in place and become as small as possible. Don't mistake this as weakness, understand that this was our survival tool that kept us from more trouble than we had already experienced. We can still take "criticism" and you can still fully express yourself to us, but be gentle. Remember to think about what you actually need to and intend to say, and say it calmly. Make sure not to make personal attacks, but communicate clearly and logically. We need time to process, in many cases, before we can be able to respond. Do not demand an answer right away, because we may not have one for you yet. If you open up the talk as more of a conversation where we can be heard too, things will go smoother. Then, just know that we may be more reserved and quiet for a few days or a few weeks. Be patient with us. Many of us have learned that trying to have our voice heard about issues only causes more problems for us so we have a tendency to avoid conflict and be slow to warm up. Pick your battles. If it is something that is not a huge deal and you can handle it for awhile longer, please do so. Even better, learn to drop it. If it is something that needs to be addressed, address one or two things at a time and don't bombard us with a huge list of things that we do wrong. We'll see that as us being a failure and that you don't like/love us anymore. Trust me, we know what pisses everyone off about us and we do our best to not do those things. Some things are unavoidable and we are flight risks. It doesn't take much to set me off and shut me down for weeks. Something as little as a 3 second snap at me can cause huge problems for weeks that I have to work through.
So please, just be cognizant that some of us have a hard time with communication and with our thinking process. It's not that we're dumb or incapable of discussing things with you, sometimes we just need more time than people who have learned how to be able to discuss or fight for themselves. We haven't necessarily gotten the opportunities to learn how to do that.
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Panic Ensues
He texted me again.
It showed up today. He says his friend got killed last night and I'm the only one that understands him.
I am stuck between wondering if it happened and thinking that he's just full of shit like he's been this whole time.
Regardless, it's not my problem. Maybe if you want support and friends to be able to talk to about stuff like this, then maybe don't be a complete and total asshole. I mean, that's just a suggestion, but what do I know?
He had told me several times throughout the relationship that a friend had died. Good gracious, at that pace there should be nobody alive anywhere on Earth at this point!
Maybe he really does have friends dying all of the time. Mostly, I think he's trying to get me to be sympathetic and fall back into his poisonous tentacles.
His number is still blocked so the text didn't come through until I went searching for it.
My heart is still filled with panic. My stomach was instantly queasy. My hands are sweaty and I feel flushed all over. This is the sympathetic nervous response kicking in. I am in panic. I know I shouldn't be, but sometimes anxiety comes with no rational explanation for it's presence.
Deep breaths. Continue on about my day. Load my gun...
It showed up today. He says his friend got killed last night and I'm the only one that understands him.
I am stuck between wondering if it happened and thinking that he's just full of shit like he's been this whole time.
Regardless, it's not my problem. Maybe if you want support and friends to be able to talk to about stuff like this, then maybe don't be a complete and total asshole. I mean, that's just a suggestion, but what do I know?
He had told me several times throughout the relationship that a friend had died. Good gracious, at that pace there should be nobody alive anywhere on Earth at this point!
Maybe he really does have friends dying all of the time. Mostly, I think he's trying to get me to be sympathetic and fall back into his poisonous tentacles.
His number is still blocked so the text didn't come through until I went searching for it.
My heart is still filled with panic. My stomach was instantly queasy. My hands are sweaty and I feel flushed all over. This is the sympathetic nervous response kicking in. I am in panic. I know I shouldn't be, but sometimes anxiety comes with no rational explanation for it's presence.
Deep breaths. Continue on about my day. Load my gun...
Sunday, January 17, 2016
Forgiveness?
I have found, in the past few years, it is easier to forgive others than it is to forgive myself.
I keep waking up with panic attacks because I feel like I have failed my future husband, G-d, and myself. I feel unlovable and ruined. The nightmares and flashbacks are becoming too much for me. I keep playing what has happened in the past year, over and over again in my head. I could have fought harder. I could have prevented so many problems by breaking up with these boys when I had originally wanted to, if only I had had the guts and the strength to do it. I am quite convinced that I have made too many mistakes to be able to have any kind of a future like the one that I wanted so badly.
I wanted a sweet guy, who waited for marriage before having sex. I don't deserve that anymore because I allowed my body to be used by guys other than my husband. I wanted to save my first kiss for my wedding day and I blew that on a guy who was 5 years older than me because I was feeling pressured and didn't stand up for myself the way I needed to. Granted, I have learned a lot, but at a steep price.
I have lost the little sanity I was born with, and I feel as though I've been trampled.
I keep going back and forth between wondering if what happened to me was my fault, or if I did all I needed to and was able to at the time, to protect myself and my purity.
I am downright disgusted with myself and the way I have turned out.
Counseling starts Tuesday but I'm scared that I won't be able to work out all that I need to in the time I have a counselor. Maybe light will be shed and it will show me that all of these things were my fault. Maybe it will prove to me that believing these guys had any control over their actions was futile and I deserve to be locked away.
My nausea is back full force and I've almost lost my stomach a few times today. I can't escape my life, especially in my dreams. I keep breaking down and sobbing because I feel as though I have no hope left in a future, let alone a happy future. Flashbacks are constant and no longer just intermittent. Nightmares are guaranteed every night once I finally fall asleep around 3-4 a.m. from exhaustion. But I was with panic attacks around 9-10 a.m.
My head hurts from the whiplash I give myself by believing everything was my fault and then knowing that I had no control over these guys. They had their talons in deep and made me believe I made them enter my body. That's what they've told me. I was told it was my fault because I didn't say "no" seriously enough. It doesn't matter that I repeatedly said it and tried to push them away.
I don't think I'll ever be able to sleep normally again. If I ever do get married, will sex even be enjoyable? Or will it be a source of too much pain that I push my husband away and avoid it all together?
Should I even hope that I find a husband? If I were a guy, I wouldn't want me. Especially if I were the guy that I wanted before I was ruined and I found a girl like how I am presently.
I am unworthy, broken, dirty, impure, unlovable, and completely damaged goods. Maybe this is the Adversary saying mean things to me, but it's believable.
Some days, I want to know what a jury would say. Would they say that I am making stories up so that I can hopefully clear my concience? Or would they understand that I am telling the truth and see that I never wanted any of this? Would they see the hours of being yelled at over the phone for not being willing to "try" sex because I was waiting for marriage, only to be fed drinks all night until I was unable to walk and puking? Would they say it was my fault because I wasn't smarter that night and I kept drinking? Would they believe him when he says I started it? Would they believe me that I had told him a million times I never wanted to, but then woke up next to him, completely naked, next to him in a hotel? Would they believe it was my fault? Is it my fault?
The dozens of times he came onto me after that and I said flat out "no" several times, but he still "went in", do those count in my favor or his? Were those my fault too? Does pushing him away but not being strong enough to actually be able to get him off of me count for him or me? Why does he believe all of these are my fault because he was "thinking with his penis"? Are they my fault?
Why was I allowed to be able to meet him? Why would the L-rd allow this to happen again? More than that, I don't believe it was G-d's fault, I believe I made so many foolish choices that this is all on me. I believe He cares for me and tries to protect me, but where was He all those nights? Was He watching when I tried my best to keep my pants on as these guys ripped them off? Or did He turn His head? I believe I was set apart for Him, but if I was, why was I not protected? Am I that bad that I was banished to be able to be used by any guy that just had a hankering to get his rocks off? Why is this supposed to be my fate? Why was I not allowed to die when I wanted to in the 8th grade? If I had been allowed to, I wouldn't have had to live through this. What did I do that this is justifiable punishment for my sins?
WHY ME??? What did I do?
I keep waking up with panic attacks because I feel like I have failed my future husband, G-d, and myself. I feel unlovable and ruined. The nightmares and flashbacks are becoming too much for me. I keep playing what has happened in the past year, over and over again in my head. I could have fought harder. I could have prevented so many problems by breaking up with these boys when I had originally wanted to, if only I had had the guts and the strength to do it. I am quite convinced that I have made too many mistakes to be able to have any kind of a future like the one that I wanted so badly.
I wanted a sweet guy, who waited for marriage before having sex. I don't deserve that anymore because I allowed my body to be used by guys other than my husband. I wanted to save my first kiss for my wedding day and I blew that on a guy who was 5 years older than me because I was feeling pressured and didn't stand up for myself the way I needed to. Granted, I have learned a lot, but at a steep price.
I have lost the little sanity I was born with, and I feel as though I've been trampled.
I keep going back and forth between wondering if what happened to me was my fault, or if I did all I needed to and was able to at the time, to protect myself and my purity.
I am downright disgusted with myself and the way I have turned out.
Counseling starts Tuesday but I'm scared that I won't be able to work out all that I need to in the time I have a counselor. Maybe light will be shed and it will show me that all of these things were my fault. Maybe it will prove to me that believing these guys had any control over their actions was futile and I deserve to be locked away.
My nausea is back full force and I've almost lost my stomach a few times today. I can't escape my life, especially in my dreams. I keep breaking down and sobbing because I feel as though I have no hope left in a future, let alone a happy future. Flashbacks are constant and no longer just intermittent. Nightmares are guaranteed every night once I finally fall asleep around 3-4 a.m. from exhaustion. But I was with panic attacks around 9-10 a.m.
My head hurts from the whiplash I give myself by believing everything was my fault and then knowing that I had no control over these guys. They had their talons in deep and made me believe I made them enter my body. That's what they've told me. I was told it was my fault because I didn't say "no" seriously enough. It doesn't matter that I repeatedly said it and tried to push them away.
I don't think I'll ever be able to sleep normally again. If I ever do get married, will sex even be enjoyable? Or will it be a source of too much pain that I push my husband away and avoid it all together?
Should I even hope that I find a husband? If I were a guy, I wouldn't want me. Especially if I were the guy that I wanted before I was ruined and I found a girl like how I am presently.
I am unworthy, broken, dirty, impure, unlovable, and completely damaged goods. Maybe this is the Adversary saying mean things to me, but it's believable.
Some days, I want to know what a jury would say. Would they say that I am making stories up so that I can hopefully clear my concience? Or would they understand that I am telling the truth and see that I never wanted any of this? Would they see the hours of being yelled at over the phone for not being willing to "try" sex because I was waiting for marriage, only to be fed drinks all night until I was unable to walk and puking? Would they say it was my fault because I wasn't smarter that night and I kept drinking? Would they believe him when he says I started it? Would they believe me that I had told him a million times I never wanted to, but then woke up next to him, completely naked, next to him in a hotel? Would they believe it was my fault? Is it my fault?
The dozens of times he came onto me after that and I said flat out "no" several times, but he still "went in", do those count in my favor or his? Were those my fault too? Does pushing him away but not being strong enough to actually be able to get him off of me count for him or me? Why does he believe all of these are my fault because he was "thinking with his penis"? Are they my fault?
Why was I allowed to be able to meet him? Why would the L-rd allow this to happen again? More than that, I don't believe it was G-d's fault, I believe I made so many foolish choices that this is all on me. I believe He cares for me and tries to protect me, but where was He all those nights? Was He watching when I tried my best to keep my pants on as these guys ripped them off? Or did He turn His head? I believe I was set apart for Him, but if I was, why was I not protected? Am I that bad that I was banished to be able to be used by any guy that just had a hankering to get his rocks off? Why is this supposed to be my fate? Why was I not allowed to die when I wanted to in the 8th grade? If I had been allowed to, I wouldn't have had to live through this. What did I do that this is justifiable punishment for my sins?
WHY ME??? What did I do?
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Where has the time gone?!
My only final was completed last Monday. I'm so sorry I did not update you guys, life has been all sorts of crazy busy lately. So, I will take it one bit at a time.
Grades: 2 A's and 1 B for this last semester which is pretty good! The final in my class ended up being a test that nobody did well on so the teacher made it only 1% of our entire grade so I got to keep my A in the class. Oh my goodness, praise the L-rd! I had gone out dancing the night before instead of studying and I actually met a guy.
On the subject of that guy, he asked me to dance. I agreed. He asked for my number. I gave it to him. He proceeded to text me after the stupid, customary 2-day waiting period and we've kinda hit it off. So, after spending most of the last week with him, he's my boyfriend. Super early and I'm not sure how compatible we are together, but he got the sexual assault/rape information out of me and he's been really supportive and sweet. Thus far we've been going full-throttle, and I told him that, and he's agreed to slow it down a bit. Right now he's in another state because he travels with his job for 2 months and then he comes back for breaks of 2-3 weeks. In that time we'll be able to talk and see if this is something that will work out or not. It's concerning that we met each other at a bar... and I don't trust anyone, especially not now... but there's something about him and I don't know what it is. I guess we will see. His name is Redneck BF (R BF for short).
Counseling went okay. We talked a little bit about coping strategies for me but the best one so far is distraction. As long as I stay really busy and go out a lot, I don't seem to have issues. However, when I sit still for too long or stay up too late, that's when I start having troubles. I feel like I'm going crazy though, I had to learn mindfulness exercises and they help when I'm in the office but not so much in the real world.
I worked last night for the first time since the incident. I had a 2 hour long anxiety attack and could only rock myself back and forth while telling myself that "I am okay". It seemed like I was doing better, but the night shift and the vast amounts of dark space with near silence is not conducive to avoiding the thought of what happened and what I wish could have happened. Alas, work + minimal sleep today after work = a very tired girl who believes she may be able to have a decent night's rest tonight. Well, L-rd willing, of course.
I hope all y'all are doing well in your respective places in the world.
Grades: 2 A's and 1 B for this last semester which is pretty good! The final in my class ended up being a test that nobody did well on so the teacher made it only 1% of our entire grade so I got to keep my A in the class. Oh my goodness, praise the L-rd! I had gone out dancing the night before instead of studying and I actually met a guy.
On the subject of that guy, he asked me to dance. I agreed. He asked for my number. I gave it to him. He proceeded to text me after the stupid, customary 2-day waiting period and we've kinda hit it off. So, after spending most of the last week with him, he's my boyfriend. Super early and I'm not sure how compatible we are together, but he got the sexual assault/rape information out of me and he's been really supportive and sweet. Thus far we've been going full-throttle, and I told him that, and he's agreed to slow it down a bit. Right now he's in another state because he travels with his job for 2 months and then he comes back for breaks of 2-3 weeks. In that time we'll be able to talk and see if this is something that will work out or not. It's concerning that we met each other at a bar... and I don't trust anyone, especially not now... but there's something about him and I don't know what it is. I guess we will see. His name is Redneck BF (R BF for short).
Counseling went okay. We talked a little bit about coping strategies for me but the best one so far is distraction. As long as I stay really busy and go out a lot, I don't seem to have issues. However, when I sit still for too long or stay up too late, that's when I start having troubles. I feel like I'm going crazy though, I had to learn mindfulness exercises and they help when I'm in the office but not so much in the real world.
I worked last night for the first time since the incident. I had a 2 hour long anxiety attack and could only rock myself back and forth while telling myself that "I am okay". It seemed like I was doing better, but the night shift and the vast amounts of dark space with near silence is not conducive to avoiding the thought of what happened and what I wish could have happened. Alas, work + minimal sleep today after work = a very tired girl who believes she may be able to have a decent night's rest tonight. Well, L-rd willing, of course.
I hope all y'all are doing well in your respective places in the world.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)