10 Thanksgivings

Good grief, this is post #4 today, I think. I just have so much in my brain and going on in life that I just can't help it.

Anyway, on the way to school this morning we started talking about how roomie wears a lot of make-up and she keeps forgetting to take it off at night, so she just puts more on in the morning. I challenged her to go 5 days without make-up, but I told her she could have eyeliner and mascara.

Oh man, you would have thought I asked her to sell $10,000,000 worth of drugs in a week! I then told her that if she did that, then she could challenge me to something.

Her challenge was for me to find 5 things each day that I am grateful for. It's kind of related to my self affirmations that are my counseling homework for this week.

I agreed then rattled off 5 things for yesterday.

"That was too easy! You should do 10 each day!" She said.

I replied with, "Fine! Then you have to go 10 days without make-up!"

She agreed because she has no clinicals or class for the next 3 days...

Damn it.

Regardless, I am going to stay good on my promise. So, here are my 10 thanksgiving from today:

1. Our first pediatrics test was a group test and I was put with two very smart people.
2. I finished my homework before my afternoon class because I didn't do it last night.
3. I am so very grateful I have counseling tomorrow.
4. The semester is nearly done and that means school is almost over!
5. My Roomie is spending the night at our apartment tonight. This is good because she's been house-sitting for over a week and it's been lonely and scary here alone.
6. Tomorrow I get the contact information for someone that is going to help me with legal troubles I am having.
7. I was able to "study" today with a few close friends and my Roomie helped us because she already took the course we are currently in.
8. I am grateful for Roomie because she listens to me and helps me when she can.
9. I survived today.
10. I survived my life through 2015 with all of the tragedy and complications of meeting a couple terrible guys.

Life Lessons Learned

I was reading my devotions and praying the other night, when the L-rd gave me an epiphany: closed doors, missed chances, failed relationships, opportunities that go awry, and all the other things that don't go our way in life are actually the L-rd guiding us. Through these things, He also shows us how bad a situation could be so that we learn from that, then He typically gives us what He had planned for us all along. By letting us see the bad before giving us good, He lets us understand why we need to be grateful for all that happens to us.

Growing up, I shared a bedroom with my brother until I had finished 4th grade and he had finished 3rd in a very small, 2-bedroom apartment. My mom used to pray with us on the way to school each day and ask the L-rd that He would keep our family from becoming complacent and taking our blessings for granted. We lived in an apartment while both of my parents worked several jobs so that they could send us to a Christian school and pay our tuition. We ended up moving into a house where my brother and I got our own rooms and then we had to go to a public school. That made me appreciate the house much more and being blessed to be able to go to a Christian school for several years. Thank you L-rd for these things!

At the beginning of this last summer, my old roommate told me she didn't want to live with me, but gave me no explanation and didn't talk to me while I was in another state with Mema. So, I scrambled, looking for an apartment on short notice. I was used to paying about $700-$750 a month for my rent and bills. I texted my current roommate and she offered to let me live with her and she told me she was freaking out about finding someone but that I texted and asked about it at the exact perfect time. After praying about wanting to pay about $500, she asked how much I was willing to pay. I told her about $700 was typical for me so I could do the $700. She came back and said she could only afford $500 and her parents were okay with both of us paying that little while they picked up the rest of the bills! Oh my gosh! So, even though I had a huge falling out with ex-roommate and her family, the L-rd blessed me and showed me that they are not company that I should have been keeping anyway. This falling out happened just after I broke up with EXboyfriend because he had raped me... so it's way better this way. That is only visible in hindsight though, I was devastated at the time!

I had a NICU job opportunity as a CNA awhile ago and my initial plans didn't match up with their needs so they passed on me, but then my plans changed to something that would have totally worked out for them. However, it was too late by that point. Shortly after that, I got my job as a CNA in the float pool. G-d allowed me to see real-life what we were learning about in class each time I went to work and allowed me to get better grades and a better understanding by these hands-on experiences. I also got to meet so many nurses on each floor and I feel like the most popular person when I show up to work because I have so many people stopping me and saying high to me at school, clinicals, and at work because of this job. I love it!

My relationships ending have shown me that I am worth much more than what I typically settle for with people. I pray that the L-rd has someone for me who is sweet, patient, forgiving, able to be a voice of reason for me, and able to handle my many hypomanic and depressive cycles... That's the true test. He needs to be accepted by my family and friends and not push my boundaries like every guy has tried to before.

Here's to hoping for and expecting the L-rd to work absolutely incredible miracles in my life after I ran myself deep into the ground with too many mistakes to count and too much brokenness to measure. Here's to thanking the L-rd for Divine Interventions in my life, even when things seem to be going well, because He can see past people's fake facades and their attempts at manipulating me. Praise the L-rd for keeping me!

What are you grateful for? What things in your life have not ended up how you wanted/expected, only for the L-rd to show you something so much better? What are you asking Him for today? More importantly, what are you thanking Him for?

This May Be a Book

No, I'm not writing a book on purpose, but this post may be really long because I have had so much going on lately so I will write a shorter version and expound below for those who would rather not read my latest novel...

1) I got an apartment in an interesting complex because of my new/previous neighbors... It's good though.

2) Work is getting better.

3) My brother finally got into my university so he will be moving down with me.

4) My mom wants to move me in on Sunday, but I will be working until 3 so I don't know how that will go.

5) I was going to go see my kids (the children I babysit), but the little boy got sick. I really wanted to see them, but I'm behind in school so maybe G-d just wanted me to stay home a study a little more today.

6) Another boy asked me out...

Explainations:

1) Now, apartment shopping did not go as planned. My mom followed me down to the town my university is in (about an hour - an hour and a half drive) so that we could go look at some apartments in hopes of signing a lease and getting moved in soon. We went to one complex I had seen online and she did not like it at all. So then I took her to another complex that I really liked, she didn't. So, we went driving and exploring and found a few more. One was way too expensive and the other she loved. Turns out that the one she really likes is the one that my guy friends are moving into also! This is good because I will have them and my brother in case anything ever happens. This may not be so good because I am now in nursing school and the guys all like to hang out a lot. I have no time. Since time is such a difficult thing for me to come by, but they seem to have loads of time on their hands, I end up feeling like a bad guy for having to say no all the time because they don't like being told that I cannot do anything ever because I am bound and determined to get really good grades and become a nurse at some point, hopefully in the near future. Only G-d knows how this will end up working out. Until then, I am just relieved I got an apartment.


Since I explained that, let's talk about how nice it is! It feels really small. It's only 900-somethin' square feet, but it's better than the ones I had originally liked. It comes with a washer and dryer for no additional cost... inside of the apartment! So, I will not have to use laundry facilities because I have it in my apartment. My brother and I both have our own rooms and our own bathrooms. This will be so nice for getting ready in the morning because we will be riding together each day to save money on parking passes. We have a fireplace and a porch. We have a kitchen with plenty of counter space for making challah. Our dining room area is a lot bigger than I had expected and the living room is a decent size. So, even though it feels small now, once we put our furniture in, it will likely start to feel homier and it will be very good. Plus, it's on the second (top) floor. It is on the corner of a building and it's the very last building of the complex. So, we have tons of parking, no one banging on the floor above us, only one person directly next to us, and we have a view of the mountains. Praise the L-rd! He answered all of my requests in addition to providing me an apartment and money to pay the rent! It would have been sufficient to just let us have an apartment that I can afford, but He threw in all the things I wanted and lots of things I didn't even now I wanted!

2) Do y'all remember how miserable I used to be at work? Did I ever tell you about it? That was more of a rhetorical question because I can't remember and I'm talking to myself and then writing it down... Anywho, I used to hate work because I am slow, never know what I'm doing, and I felt like a failure most of the time because I would make the other CNA's get behind. Plus, I don't ever really feel like anyone likes me, so that played into my dislike of work a lot too. For the past month or so, however, I have been working a little more than full time hours and I have been making lots of money for my apartment. Since I'm working so much, I am getting a little faster and I made friends! I think they may actually agree that we are friends too because I'm not always the one to instigate the conversations, they come and talk to me just to see how life is really going. Then, they even share their life happenings, many of which are hard and require trust in order to tell me their situations.  So, I now don't mind work so much and I don't feel like a failure at work as often! This may sound odd, but it's good news.

3) He found out yesterday! I was wondering if he would actually get in because it is so close to the time when I need to move down there and he needs to get classes and he wasn't sure if he would be able to come with me. But, right after we signed the lease and he went back up to our hometown (he came down with my mom yesterday to look at apartments), he called the school and they told him he got in! Now I don't have to find a new roommate and I will get to live with my best friend, my brother. He drives me nuts, we drive each other nuts, but we also know how to live to together and we are actually pretty good together. Plus, it will be safer living with him than it would be if I were to live with another girl.

4) This is just a case of my parents loving me so much that they want to rush me into my apartment so that I don't have to drive an hour and a half both ways every day while I live at home. I left my friends house for a little while because I am homesick and I did something very stupid which is still a sore subject. I will tell you guys all about it another day though, once the sting has worn off. So, hopefully I can find a replacement for Sunday so that I don't have to miss moving into my apartment and so that my family doesn't have to do it all themselves because that's not fair for them!

5) This one is self-explanatory really. I haven't seen these kids in a really long time, since my birthday in the beginning of April actually, so I was going to go see them today. Unfortunately, the little boy puked, so his mom texted me and told me I could come if I wanted to, but she would understand if I didn't want to. I think this is actually a blessing in disguise. I feel so bad that he is not feeling well, especially because he is a toddler and toddlers do not take illness well. On the other hand, it is really good because I was stressing out about school because I am a bit behind of where I should be right now. So, now I will get caught up and I can go see them another time real soon. We may even be able to go to the pool instead of me having to leave early from the visit because I have to go to school the same day.

6) Now, this totally blindsided me and it's kind of a long story so hang with me. The girl I was staying with lives in a forest in the town I go to university in. There was a fire near her house and her and her mom were evacuated from their house which means I got evacuated too. We went and stayed at their friends house. At this house, the son had the whole basement to himself. He has a little living room with couches, a bathroom and his bed. So the three of us crashed in his basement while he went and stayed at his grandparents house because they were out of town anyway. I stayed there 4 days without ever meeting him, even though I was sleeping in his bed, using his bathroom, and getting to know his mom. He would come over for dinner every day, but I was working late and he always left before I arrived at his house so our paths never crossed. One day, I didn't have to work late so I actually ate dinner with them. We were all sitting in the living room eating because we were glued to the t.v. and all of a sudden they lifted the evacuation zone so that we could get back in! He and his friend (who also lives at their house) came with us to help us move back in and to make sure everything was safe. Then he texted my friend and asked her for my number. That was such a surprise. I thought he was cute, but since I'm refusing to date my other guy friend, I knew nothing could happen. Plus, I was certain that he did not like me back because I am just not the kind of girl guys typically ask out randomly. So she told me the whole situation, asked if she could give him my number and then he started texting me. We had only talked for a couple hours while we were waiting for the barricades to be lifted and I was so shocked when she told me the whole story.

So, he and I started texting for a couple days, just getting to know each other. He asked if I had a boyfriend and also asked what I look for in a guy. Haha, this poor kid doesn't know me at all! I kept it friendly and told him I don't know what I look for in a guy because I'm waiting for G-d to show me who I'm supposed to be with. Then he asked my friend and I to the movies with him and his friend. I declined because us girls do not have free time and we are not looking to date. He kept it friendly for a couple more days, then he asked me to dinner. Ahhhhhh! I don't know what to do with that. I've never been on a real date and that sounds like it's pretty close to a real date. I told him I couldn't but offered to go to coffee instead. He accepted and we talked for a solid hour and a half, but it only felt like 10 minutes.

I have yet to tell him that I'm not looking to get a boyfriend and I don't think he will like my boundaries if we ever were anything more than friends because we have very different morals. Those differences though will probably keep me from allowing this to become more than friends though.

But, he like muddin', hunting, fishing, working on engines, racing, and so many other things that I find so much fun! He is very masculine with dark hair, dark eyes, a souped up truck, and he is kind of a country boy that is stuck living in the city. He wants to be an EMT but he already has an Associate's degree in diesel mechanics and he is really smart. I have a think for country boys with souped up trucks and dark eyes... This doesn't seem like it can work though because he is Catholic, which is good because he is a believer, but our beliefs are very different. So, maybe G-d wants us to get married down the road, but for right now it seems like I am getting a "no-go" from the L-rd as far as dating is concerned.

After we went to coffee though, he hasn't texted me. It's been two days... I always wondered why it was such a big deal of who texts first after a "date" (I don't really consider this coffee meeting an actual date). I'm starting to understand it a little more though. If I text him, then I am not sure if he really likes me or not. If he texts me, then he may think that I am not interested in putting in the effort to text him. In my opinion, the guy should be in control. He should text/call first after a date. He needs to show the girl that he is interested in her and she has to be responsible to tell the guy that she is/isn't interested in furthering the relationship with him. I'm super traditional and old-fashioned though.

So, I am flattered that he thought I was cute and worth while because I still see myself as the chubby kid in class that thought she was ugly because she always hung out with really pretty girls who got asked out (since first or second grade on). Also, he thought I was attractive when I thought he was attractive too. I had a little crush on him from the time he went home that night from helping us back in all through work the next day but I doubted that anything would come of it because I was a mess, I said stupid things, and I'm not one of those pretty girls that guys usually ask out. I know that I am beautifully made, and very intricately designed, but I have a hard time believing that guys thing I'm pretty. This boy told my friend he thought I was gorgeous. That's a flat out lie and probably a line to get her to give him my number. Whatever, I had a small dose of confidence for a few days, especially since he said I was gorgeous even though my hair was up and a total wreck, my face was breaking out, and I was stressed because of work, school, and being homeless from the evacuation (their house is fine, I just felt homeless because I was displaced from living with my friend and it felt like I was living out of my car).

Now, I also feel guilty for even going to coffee with this guy because I have another guy that has a thing for me. I was not made for anything like this, I am not used to it, and I do not know how people even try to date two people at one time. I'm not even dating either one of them but I feels like I am in two separate relationships.

End of story for now.

Y'all Made My Day!

Wow, 700 views!!! Thank you guys for reading, it makes me happy to know someone is out there.

Heavy Heart

Have there been a lot of deaths recently for you too? For some reason there have been 3 students that have passed away in the past two weeks at college and several residents from work have passed away. I don't understand this. Plus, my great-grandpa died a few weeks ago as well, but I didn't get to go to the funeral because I wasn't really invited. That's a complicated story though.

Let's just delve into the basics. We don't talk to my mom's side of the family because her mom abused her. When my brother and I were born, my mom tried to take us over to see her parents so that we would know them, but my grandma just ended up yelling at my brother and I when we were about 3 and 4 years old. So, long story short, my mom hasn't actively taken us to see them because it's not worth it to get abused by my grandma. I still love her and I still love my grandpa (her husband). Now, it was her father who passed, and I had only met him a handful of times, so while I'm sad that he passed away without me being able to better get to know him, I have peace because he did not treat my mom right or his wife right (when she was alive). I'm sad that I was not able to show him more of the love of Yeshua. One of the last times I saw him was at my cousins graduation party and he came over and sat at the table I was sitting at. Since it was just him and me at the table, he asked if I knew who he was. I said that I didn't because I did not know his name, but I did know that he was my great-grandpa. This upset him pretty bad and he called over my great-aunt and they both gave me a 15-20 minute lecture about how I am supposed to know who my family is and so on. Even though I was hurt because I had gotten yelled at (I was 12 or 13 at the time), I still love(d) him. Funny thing is though, it's not the kid's responsibility to keep in tough with grandparents and great-grandparents when they are still kids. I couldn't drive to go see him and it was not my responsibility to go on a great quest to find out where he lived or to get his phone number in order to contact him first, I was a child. It's a bummer that he didn't reach out to me, because I like getting to know my family because they are kin and I don't have a whole lot of blood relatives that my family talks to because both of my parents were abused as children. Regardless, G-d puts pseudo family into my life, always. I have the largest family now because of all of my "adopted" aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and siblings.  I wouldn't trade the relationships I have with them, or the love that we all share because we chose each other, for anything. I know that G-d has allowed me to be blessed with so many amazing, supportive, down-to-earth people who choose to be in my family instead of feeling stuck with me. Also, they don't manipulate, yell, or otherwise harm me, which is still not something I'm used to and my parents don't abuse my brother or I. Still, I have had many, many, many unhealthy, abusive and manipulative friendships that have seriously scarred me. G-d brings me through every time and He is teaching me who to trust, how to trust and how much to trust certain people with. He is teaching me boundaries and forgiveness, but these are brutal lessons to learn.

Daily Thanksgiving: Work went well today, I got to work with one of my favorite CNA's today and work went by really fast. Two more weeks of school and they are going to fly by because I am too busy to even be able to breathe, let alone pee or eat. G-d heals broken hearts and heals scars. His mercies never end and His love is unfailing. I am not alone, even though I often feel alone.

Quality Time

Hopefully you have heard about "love languages". I find them to be valuable pieces of information that help me get to know and understand people. My love language, according to the quizzes I've taken, is quality time. Today, I got to spend loads of quality time with my mama. I love that woman! I am so blessed to have her. We talked about boys, work, friends, school, and so on. The beauty about talking with her is that she understands extraverted people, while I don't even understand myself. She gives me advice on everything, regardless of what it is. I am so very thankful that G-d gave her wisdom and insight into my life and me. I am an oddball, she knows it, everyone knows it. But she understands my boundaries and is the only person not trying to make my boundaries more like everyone else's. Even my mentors from church tell me that my boundaries are too outlandish and that I should loosen up. My mom, however, understands them and she sticks by my decision to keep them as strict as they are.

So we went to lunch, then we went shopping and talked for a couple hours. Then I went with my brother to go get coffee (even though it's really hot here already) and we drove all over Kingdom Come looking for a bank. I've lived here for almost my whole life and I still get lost! What's wrong with me? Then I forgot my debit card in the drive-up ATM... thankfully the car behind me found it, then stalked me to a parking lot where he returned it. Okay, he didn't really stalk me, I just pulled over to walk into the bank instead of using the ATM, but it was so sweet of him to bring my card back! It was also smart on his part, because he would have only had a few bucks, because I'm nearly broke...

Daily Thanksgiving: I don't have to be around people today. I got to go to lunch with my mama and work some stuff out in my life. I was able to spend time with my brother and we didn't get in a car wreck! I am alive. G-d allowed today's weather to be so beautiful! Also, I got to go on a walk with my dog, who I miss and love so very much. I am also thankful that my platelet donation went so well this morning.

I forgot to mention my platelet donation! It was good. I love donating blood and platelets, mostly because I like watching them use needles, and it's also pretty cool to see your blood and plasma and platelets... I'm just kind of sick that way, I guess. I've done this a few times and normally my lips just get tingly, but this time I looked down, then my eyes went crossed-eyed. I didn't make them do it either! Then, they got stuck like that for about 15-25 seconds!!! It was so freaky, I thought I was going to pass out, or die, or go blind or something. Fortunately I didn't, but I probably should have told someone about it because it happened a few times... I told my mom and she freaked out a little and said I should have informed them about it, but I'm good. I hope I'm okay.

Back At School

I can't believe spring break is over already! It seems like I was just packing up my car to head home, now I'm back again with no recollection of what I did last week. That was an exageration, I relaxed and watched t.v. when I was not hanging out with my kids or my friends. No matter how unproductive my break was, I am glad that I was able to relax and veg, hopefully my brain was able to recoup so I can get done with the last 6 weeks of my freshman year.

Yesterday, before I left home, my parents threw me a mini birthday party. How sweet is that! They were bummed that my birthday is during the school week so they got a couple pies and gave me a card with some money in it. I love that it didn't turn into a whole week ordeal or even an entire day dedicated to me. Those things make me uncomfortable because everything is because the "birthday girl" wants to do something. Never have I had to make more decisions than on my birthday. So, to have a tiny little celebration that lasted a maximum of 30 minutes was perfect. Plus, I am having a hard time getting older. I can't even imagine how bummed I will be when I turn 50 if I am having these sad feelings just turning 19.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am thankful that I got here last night so I can miss the Easter traffic. I also got all of my shopping done this morning and I got an excellent parking spot! Over spring break I didn't even have to work which was nice too because I get so stressed out at work. I am also thankful that G-d has preserved me these last 19 years and he brought me back to college safely. 

Anyway, enough about me. How have you been?

Dreamin'

Do y'all ever have dreams you wish would not end because they are so fun or something you really wanted to happen? I hate those dreams because I wake up sad that they are not real life. Ok, that was harsh. I actually really like those dreams and I only have a slight dissappointment that they are not real. But for me, it is like watching a love story. You get so involved in what is happening in the movie (or the dream) and then by the time you get back to real life, it is not nearly as exciting or anything like you would have wanted. I believe that the romantic movies, books, songs and ideals that we are being bombarded with (or at least offered) are resulting in unrealistic expectations and ideas when it comes to dating and marriage. I know, this is like the 50th post I have done about this topic, but it's really frustrating to me. If I could choose, I want to go back in time to the late 1800's. At this time, modesty was a requirement for all, food was home-grown, and boys had to ask your parents before they could even court (date) you at all. In that system, the parents were able to consider the boy's parents, his history, schooling, age and so on. Then the parents of the girl used their fully developed prefrontal cortex in order to make an educated decision as to whether or not to let the girl even try to make a relationship work. I know, there were arranged marriages and not everyone was happy. But, dating was not a thing of the heart, it was thought through, discussed and considered by many viewpoints. Ideally, this method would save a lot of heartache because there is little chance for the girl or boy to date 25 people by the time they are 18.

Perhaps, I should just make myself stop dreaming... Just like I can make myself avoid chick-flicks, romance novels, country music and so forth. I could just make myself stop dreaming and day-dreaming to avoid my own mental role-playing games of what I wish would happen. Of course, this is likely impossible, so off to the drawing board I go in hopes of becoming less cynical and depressed over stuff that has not happened.

Daily Thanksgiving: I get to teach my friend how to drive stick-shift today and I have all day to clean and study! That really is a thanksgiving because I don't have school thrown in the mix. Also, HESI studying is not as bad as I thought it would be, it is just tedious and I don't take the HESI for a few more months but I am getting started early which should help me out a little.

Turnaround

I'm sorry to start on a negative note, but my day was terrible. For some reason I had the bright idea to work on a Friday along with my normal Sunday shift. Note to self: NEVER DO IT AGAIN!!! First of all, I was on the behavior unit which means there are a bunch of people who do not speak English or they wander or they need a lot of attention. Second, the CNA working with me was having a life crisis and was not there for the majority of the day. Needless to say, one new girl with 15-16 residents - who require a lot more work than two people can handle - was not a good situation. I am totally fine with people needing to be gone to talk or take care of business or whatever, but I need someone else there with me! I was just a bit frazzled.

This story ends well I promise...

Anyway, I come home and was expecting to go play outside. Yes, I am a college student who goes to play outside with her friends (for the third consecutive night in a row). But they were not playing outside, so I texted my friend. Somehow I end up going to a friend's room and asked him for a hug because I had such a bad day. He thinks I'm nuts because I always fight it when he tries to give me a hug because I do not like being touched or close to people. So he gives me a hug (and will not stop talking about it with everyone because it is so out of my character) and I feel better. I actually feel great! We got a big group of friends together and played volleyball outside and I got to chatter on about all the random stuff that popped into my head. This too is uncommon for me, usually I am super quiet. So my day ended well.

I don't know what is happening to me though! I lived in a suite with three other girls and always wanted to be alone. Then, when I moved, I was totally content only seeing my friends for meals, well, just for dinner. Now, all of a sudden, I crave human interaction on a very steady basis. This is driving me nuts because I don't get anything done! I guess I am just going to have to develop a balance between almost living with my friends and getting schoolwork done when I don't have to work. Gosh, this is going to be tough...

Daily Thanksgiving: I am thankful for my friend's hug, volleyball, a warm day without direct sun contact making playing ball easier, the CNA's that worked with me today, the fact that I have a job (a CNA job), and for my car.

Shabbat Shalom everyone! I even said it at the right time this time!!!

Oh golly, I forgot to tell you I made a new friend at work. He is studying to be a pastor and working in the food service area of the facility. We met at orientation and he is super nice. It's a wonder I make friends with how timid and awkward I am, but G-d provides companionship regardless of how silly I am.

One of Those Days

Today is just one of those weird kind of days. The simplicity theme has been running through my head, I had two anatomy tests, went to a school function (so out of the ordinary for me), and it got weirder but I don't know why it seems weird. My tests were so hard! I was not expecting these types of tests. My teacher is changing it up from what he had been doing all year long, until now, and I think I may have bombed it. My lab anatomy test was not so bad, but I did not know the material enough for the test despite the 6-8 hours I spent studying with my friend and talking through everything. Oh this class may just kill my nursing college career before I even get into the program! The school function was like a Ms. United States or something, but just for our school. I went to support my friend who, unfortunately, got let go after the first round. My friends were saying it was because there were really strong sorority ties with most of the contestants and she is not in a sorority, but I am not sure.

Do you ever have those days were everything just seems a little off? Do you ever have those days were you are like: "Golly, I look so adorable today!"? Or do you have the days where it's a wonder people look at you in the face at all? Well, it is one of the "I can't believe I have friends with the way I dress and look" kind of days for me. It's a wonder guys ever even look at me as more than a friend because I never wear make-up, dress cute, or do anything that typical girls do to get attention from guys. I'm not even looking for guys' attention. Really, I'm not.

That brings me to my next though... Everyone seems to be pairing up. What's up with that? For some reason it seems that by the time the snow stops and spring is around the corner couples start popping up all over the place. A few of my friends have crushes on others and do not plan on telling their crush about it until summer which is very wise and I appreciate them keeping the group drama free for awhile longer. But more of my friends are in budding relationships and I had no idea when they began because they just sprout up over night and I get sooooooooo confused. What is it about spring? This situation is not good for my cynicism at all. It is coming back in full swing like cancer eating away at my life. That may have seemed dramatic, but it doesn't even fully describe the craziness going on in my head and heart right now.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am thankful that two of my tests are done. I had a great day, weird, but good. I got to spend a lot of time with my friends and even though my friends did not win the contest, we still had a lot of group bonding over preparation for the competition. Most of all, I am glad this day is done and the L-rd has preserved me for another day. He keeps me safe and steady in the palm of His hand.

Daylight Savings Time

The fact that an hour is gained in the fall because of daylight savings time is great! Don't you love that extra hour of sleep you get when part way through the beginning of a school year? The beauty of everyone on time, or even early, and actually awake at Sunday morning church was so delightful. Then, when we forget all about the hour we gained in the fall, it is snatched away from us in the spring. Just as light begins to appear as I am arriving at work (at 6:30 in the morning), someone decides to go and take that beauty away from me to give me another hour of cold, darkness in the morning. There is one upside to this however, whether working in an elderly care facility or in childcare, those you are taking care of will be so sleepy they sleep ALL day!!! Ya, I had a great day because everyone was asleep, or so sleepy they didn't want to do anything but sit and listen to music. Ah, the serenity caused by something that seems to only take sleep away from me. I loved it!

On the school scene: I spend a solid 4-5 hours in the library with my friend studying for anatomy. Guys, I finally think I am beginning to understand this stuff! I am so glad I went to study with her because she actually explained things to me so I could learn, remember and understand the material. Who knew anatomy could be understood? Anyway, I am praying for good grades on these next two tests. That's right, two anatomy tests in one day. Lovely. Then, the day after that, I take a psych test that I will be nowhere near ready for because I am studying for anatomy. Oh well, I believe G-d will provide a way for me to get good grades, or at least the grades He wants for me.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am very thankful for the amazing day at work today. I actually feel like I am beginning to be slightly competent as a CNA. I am also very glad for the daylight savings time drowsiness that kept all of the residents calm today. I am thankful for my friends, my true friends, that I have made. It is crazy that I have been so close to them in space, but never gotten to know them until I moved out on my own. G-d has blessed me incredibly. Also, I am thankful for my new friend who has taught me anatomy for my upcoming tests. While it is still a work in progress, she is helping me to slowly work through the information instead of putting it all aside while I freak out in a corner (yes, I do this). G-d is allowing me to not stress about the things that normally have me worried sick.

Blessed is the L-rd who provides all things as He see's fit.

Strange Week

Is anyone else having a bad or - at the very least - strange week? I have been talking to my friends and they all had awful weeks. One friend failed an exam, another one forgot she was supposed to work tonight, and the list goes on. These are not end-of-the-world type events, but they are definitely wreaking  havoc on my friends' emotions and well-being. What is going on here? I have had several days this week were I just wanted to give up and break down all at the same time. Is it just because we have tests coming up and we are all fried from almost a year of school? Does it have to do with the moon or barometer changes? Today, we had gorgeous weather and lots of sunshine. In the time it takes to walk to all of our classes, we should have gotten sufficient vitamin D. Perhaps we have not allowed it to sink in yet. Another possibility of our off week could be the fact that we are all stir crazy and also homesick. With the spring weather coming at us, it seems about time we are completely finished with school and able to be back with our families. Of coarse, we still have two and a half months to go, but hopefully it will go by quickly and smoothly. I need this year to be over soon, but I also need good grades!

Daily Thanksgiving: It occurred to me that I may have forgotten to do my daily thanksgiving a couple days ago, so I will just do a bunch today as usual in hopes of averaging that out. Today, I am thankful for a really smart, and ridiculously funny chem lab partner. I am so very grateful for the new friends I am making and their ability to hold a conversation without me so I can sit back and observe. Dinner was really good, we went to a restaurant on campus and it was such a good choice! I turned in my RA application on time. My mom got her belated birthday card (because I forgot to bring it home last weekend). She said it made her cry, which turns out to be a good thing in this case. The text she sent me telling me about her response to the card, however, made me tear up during anatomy... Hopefully no one was looking at me, but what she said was so kind and something I really needed to hear/read. I am thankful that I do not have class on Friday, nor do I have to work tomorrow. I get an entire day to study! I am grateful for my private room and the peace I now live in all of the time. When I am not experiencing peace, it is because I am allowing my head to get in the way. Do you think that was enough thanksgivings to even any missed days out? I sure hope so.

Also, I would like to challenge you guys, as individuals, to begin thinking of your own daily thanksgivings. Even when I am having a hard day, it helps to not dwell on the negative, but to focus on what went right that day. I would love to read about your thanksgivings no matter how strange or random they are! Feel free to post below, or on any comment really. You could even send it to my email if you would like. Let's share what G-d is doing in our lives and build each other up!

An F!

Guys, I got my first F... EVER! It was on a chem quiz, which will be dropped, but it is still disheartening to discover I got 11/20 on a quiz.

Now, do y'all ever have those days where one bad thing sets off other bad things? Or one bad thing causes a sad/bad day so everything seems to go wrong because you are thinking of everything in a  half-empty kinda way? Ya, this was one of those days. A&P was alright, English was okay (we just got like a million assignments though), then I donated platelets. Those things were all just okay. Then I go to A&P lab, which set off my sadness again. In reality, it is more of a frustration that I have gotten so many bad grades, which leads to a fear of how I will do on my next two A&P tests (both on Tuesday, by the way). I have been told that we make our own grades depending on how hard we work, and I agree with that. It does not keep me from worrying though because I seem to be in a really bad way when it comes to studying lately. Worrying causes me to think about all the verses telling me to not worry, but that does not stop me from freaking out either. After lab I called my mom and nearly lost it. I was crying on my end, which I do not like to do, but I do not think she knew that. Now, I am sitting here on my bed wondering if my latest difficult season is because my depression is coming back for another season. Then I figure I can't be depressed if I know I'm depressed, but I am not sure that is sound logic...

I just need some oxytocin. Just a little hug or something! I have heard smiling releases endorphins so I have been smiling and laughing a lot with my friends, but that just seems to defer the sadness that comes swooping in the moment I am alone. Then I think I am just being negative so I start thinking of my thanksgivings. That tends to help because pretty soon I am asleep. Bringing one more day to a close just causes another to begin again, restarting the cycle again. I don't know what to do. Okay, I just thought about it. I will pray and ask the Creator of me, Ad-nai, to restore my brokenness. I want to tell one of my friends, but this is something I need G-d to do. Perhaps this sad season is because He is drawing me back to Himself by allowing me to know the hurt when He is not the center of my life.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am thankful that I found a platelet donation place near to campus at the hospital I want to work at. Through today's donation, G-d has provided me with a lot of information about possible employment there. I am thankful for my mom answering my phone calls (I call her a lot!), and for my family's support. I am also very grateful that my brother talked to me on the phone today and was so very kind. Lately, it seemed as though a big rift was beginning to form between us because he does not like me and would not let me "in". Today's phone call was refreshing because I got to experience the brother I remember and not the one who is very, very upset with me.

Been Away

I'm sorry I've been away for a few days. I got to go home! My mom's birthday was nice, we didn't do anything. Well, she had to work. She's a hairdresser, so she did my hair and she had a couple other clients. I had planned on cleaning the house for her present, that didn't work. I did make challah though and that was all I could give her. Why is it people get so hard to shop for? Why is it that we feel the need to buy something for every occasion? I want to be living back when Laura Ingalls was alive. Her family made stuff for each other. I do not recall her talking about birthday presents though. But they were working on presents for each other for months before Christmas (though I do not celebrate Christmas any longer), but they put so much thought and time into their gifts. That's how it should be!

Anyhow, my weekend was so nice and relaxing. I slept and thought about a lot and even told my mom about my friend maybe having a thing for me. She said she figured it would happen sooner or later. I love my friends, all of them. If you spend any length of time - even 5 seconds - talking to me, you are my friend and I will jump in front of a bullet for you. There are not many people that I do not like, and even then I would do anything to save your life, it doesn't matter. But I don't understand why my best friends (always guys) end up liking me. Am I coming off too nice? Like in a flirtatious way? I don't know. I don't even know what constitutes flirting. Then, what do I say if he asks me if I like him back? I do, but I'm not ready to date. And I won't be ready to date for a solid couple years, not until junior year at the soonest. Well, now it's closer to another year (wow, that went by quick!). So how do I explain to him that I am not ready without ruining our friendship? I cannot lose him like I lost C and I (see past story about this type of ordeal), it would break my heart and I may lose my other friends. I am praying that he does not ask me at all, but if he does I hope it is after school is over for the summer, that way we can both recover and avoid the awkwardness that is sure to ensue.

Despite my hard-core cynicism about everything, especially dating and marriage, I have opened a Pinterest account. For those of you that do not know what it is, it's a website for sharing creative stuff. Arts, crafts, food, decorating, and a million other things. There is even a wedding idea section. A year ago, I could not even go to my friends wedding because the thought of marriage made me cry... like a little girl... It's that ugly type of crying where you can't breathe because you are hyperventilating and about to die. Ya, that terrible, the world-is-ending, type of cry. Currently, however, I am planning my non-existent wedding. It's proving to be quite enjoyable, but highly unhealthy for me. Thus, leading to another dilemma and emotional hardships. Should I delete my Pinterest profile? Probably. Am I going to? Not yet. Normally, I would have hit rock bottom with my depression by now, but for some reason I have hope. I have hope that I may have a boyfriend in about a year or two. I hope that I may get engaged sometime my senior year or shortly after I graduate college. I am hoping that the plans I have for my non-existent wedding will actually get to be used in a few years. This is really dangerous. My high-on-life is all riding on easily shattered hopes for a future when I believe there is a good chance, a very likely possibility, that I will not live to see these things play out in my life. Perhaps they will happen, just the way I hope they do. Maybe they will happen, but on a different time-scale. Still, in my heart I am saddened by the realization that none of this will happen for me at all. I know it is all dependent on G-D's plans for my life, for He knows best what to do and when. But does that keep me from wondering and hoping my plans are His plans? Does it even save my heart from the impending heart-ache sure to come soon? Unfortunately, these are both answered with huge, resounding no's.

Let's switch gears here and mention daily thanksgivings, shall we? I am thankful I did nothing this weekend. I am thankful that I was able to go home for my mom's birthday. I am also thankful that work went well yesterday. I am still slow, but slowly getting faster. G-d is good. He is merciful. He is kind. He is my Rock and the only way that I can live each day.

Permission to Speak

Does anyone else have days when you wish you weren't aloud to speak because what you say is just kinda random and out of place? I have that kind of day nearly every day. I think it's because I zone out, or cannot hear someone during the conversation. I then proceed to "add" to the conversation, but end up looking like a fool because what I say is totally off topic and random. Sometimes, I think it would be nice if I had a muzzle and was not allowed to talk without a review board looking over every word I plan to say before a sound is uttered from my lips. By the time the statement is processed, it would still be off topic because the conversation would have moved on by then... I am just a slow thinker, which comes in really unfortunate when I try to be witty or when I am trying to make my argument face-to-face with someone because I think of what to say hours or even days later. When I bring up the conversation again, they look at me like I'm nuts and they probably wonder why they are my friend in the first place. Whatever, I make myself laugh and I know I could have won the argument!

Recently I watched a sermon on YouTube from a Messianic Rabbi. He was talking about gossip, slanderous speech, and other things I am very guilty of (including listening to music that is not of G-d, which came out of no-where but was something G-d was already talking to me about).  Most of these things had to do with the need to control our tongue, it was very interesting and touched my heart profoundly. Isn't it crazy how Ad-nai impressing things upon our hearts, then goes on to reinforce His message in a bunch of seemingly unrelated ways. That's when I know He is talking to me most times, because the same lesson and solution keep coming up in most/all aspects of my life. This controlling my tongue thing is really tough. I have made it a point to try to not slander people, and I have been really working on that for a couple years. But I have learned I still gossip and contribute to the gossiping nature in others, even just by letting them vent. While they are venting, however, there may be some personal attacks or other things said that are not life-promoting words. When this happens, and I do not speak life about the person being gossiped or talked about, it is causing damage to them because of the power in words. This power reaches beyond the emotional hurt someone may feel when the news gets back to them, it really seems to be a way Satan spreads his mischief in this world. So, I need accountability partners. If you comment or email me, I can give you the link to the video I watched, it was really powerful. But I need help. I need to be able to be told when I am talking poorly about others. Even talking about my residents and the CNA's that help train me with anything less of complete respect is wrong of me to do. I should be speaking life about them and over them. We should be speaking life about everyone and if there is no life or good things to be said... then nothing should be said at all. So, is there anyone out there willing to help keep me accountable for my speech?

Daily Thanksgiving: Today got warmer. I had an easy day and I also got to spend time with my friends. Nothing big, but even when we do not see anything "big" happen in our lives, G-d is still working miracles, He just hasn't shown them to us yet. I also got to go to lunch with my nursing mentor, who is also my mentor for youth group/Bible study here on campus. I don't know what to call it, but it is like youth group. I am so thankful for her kindness. It is not easy to be friends with me sometimes, just because I am not great at keeping conversations going (though I really do try) and I need more time alone than the average person, so people think I am antisocial. Friends really do make me happy, I just need smaller, less frequent doses than most other people. But she has really been persistent and G-d is teaching me so much through her, not just about nursing school or my relationship with Him. He is teaching me how to branch out and show who He is in more aspects of my life.

Lazy Day

Shabbat Shalom! Well, it's the end of Shabbat, but doesn't hurt to say it.

Today was beautiful. It feels like spring even though we just had a blizzard a few days ago and they are calling for another one tonight. It doesn't look like it will snow, and I sure hope it doesn't because I have work at 6:30 tomorrow morning. Even with the beautiful weather, I stayed in my dorm room and relaxed all day. Read the Torah, Haftarah and Brit Haddasha portions this morning, then relaxed. I cannot imagine life without Sabbath anymore. It is truly a day when I am able to renew my strength for the coming week. For those of you who do not have a true day of rest, seriously consider taking it up. It was commanded as a day to restore and rejuvenate us, why not obey G-d and benefit from the blessing of Shabbat?

Update on my friend: He may be upset with me now, or I may be over-thinking everything. Nothing happened, we were just texting and I sent something that was improperly worded, but when I apologized, he didn't seem to know what I was talking about... I don't know what's going on. But it has made me think and rethink my plans for marriage and dating. These plans are super conservative and old-fashioned. I want my future boyfriend to ask my dad before he takes me on a date or even asks me out. He also must be friend first. I want to wait to have our first kiss at our wedding. I do not want to ever date anyone that is not serious about G-d. My future boyfriend/husband truly has to be in love with G-d before he can even think about me. I want him to go to G-d for everything, and be more in love with Ad-nai than he is with me. I do not want to start dating until junior year at the earliest and I don't plan to get married until I am graduated from college. These conditions/desires are just the tip of the iceberg. they may seem unrealistic and absurd, but these are things I believe have been pressed upon my heard by Ha-Shem (look up the meaning of this name for G-d, it's really cool!). These are ways to insure the purity and safety of my heart. They are also to ensure that the man I end up dating and possibly marrying, is the one that G-d has chosen for me.

Daily Thanksgiving: It's short and sweet today... I am thankful for Shabbat and G-d's protection over every part of me, especially my heart.

Got Myself a Boyfriend

No, this has nothing to do with my friend that I think is flirting with me (though I don't really know what flirting is). But I got myself a boyfriend... at work. He doesn't know my name, and so he gets really creative every time he calls me over. He often refuses to feed himself, he wants me to feed him. He gets aggravated at the others around us occasionally. I also take him to the bathroom. You guessed it! He's one of the residents.

Somehow, he attaches himself to me each time I work. Which is really good, because I can actually convince him to go to the bathroom when others can't. He cooperates so well with because of this attachment. Maybe I look like someone from his past?

Anyway, I had my second AMAZING day! This time, I didn't have my work mama teaching me, but my day went well because I am finally starting to get this job a little bit. I was able to get 5 people up and to breakfast which is hard because each person has their own personality and everyone seemed to be having an "off" day today. Anyone else notice strange behavior at work today? I know I am still slow, but I am getting much faster than I was. For the first month and a half I was miserable at work, as I am sure you can recall. Work made me want to cry, and I don't cry all that much. It made me wonder if I could be a nurse and I seriously doubted my intentions of becoming a CNA. G-d has since allowed me to have much better days. He even lets patients that are normally uncooperative, and sometimes combative, settle down and help me. It's so amazing, and I have no doubt that G-d is the one calming the residents down.

Daily thanksgiving: I am thankful for how ridiculously amazing Ad-nai is. He is always answering my prayers, even the silly, little, random prayers said under my breath. He gives me my hearts desires by first giving me the desire for something, then providing what I desire (my theory). No matter what it is that I am going through, He is always there protecting me and listening to me even when I am having "toddler tantrum" days.

Sweet Eli

I saw this link on Facebook, so I followed it and I am so glad I did. This sweet little boy would have been aborted if the parents would have listened to the doctors, I am so very glad that they didn't. Read the story and watch the video, just have some tissues on hand.

Copy and paste: http://iamforlife.wordpress.com/2013/02/20/my-name-is-eli-i-am-the-0-01/

This story is especially special to me, because my family was told the same things. My mom and dad were unmarried when I was born, but they got married shortly after my birth. When my mom went in for a check up, the doctors found a tumor. They advised her to get an abortion because there was a very small chance I would make it to my second birthday. If I did make it that long, I would have severe mental and physical disabilities because I had Tay-Sachs Disease. To protect my parents from this tragedy of losing their baby, they suggested abortion. My mom refused. It turns out the "tumor" was just my cerebrospinal fluid developing abnormally early. Needless to say, I made it past my second birthday and I am just fine.

Today, I am completely healthy. I have no disabilities and I am planning on celebrating my nineteenth birthday in April. Sweet Eli, may have some cosmetic differences, but he is beautiful. There is no doubt in my mind that G-d planned Eli's life and my life to show that what doctors call impossible is, in fact, possible with G-d. If our parents listened blindly to the doctor's advice, he and I would not be here today. I am so very proud of his parents, and my parents, for having the courage to go on with pregnancy knowing that the doctor's had such a bad prognosis for us. It took a lot of fighting for my mom to convince the doctor's she would not even think about aborting me. Why are doctor's so set on pressuring their patients? Aren't they supposed to present the facts and ways to go about handling situations, then allow their patients to decide?

I am so very thankful for his parents having the strength and courage to go through with their pregnancy, and now they are raising a beautiful baby boy and defying odds. Today, parents like these are what I am so very thankful for.

College Snow Day!!!

I woke up, knowing school was delayed. Then, school texted me saying school is cancelled. This is a good day, the first college snow day of my career!

Last night, I fell asleep listening to a bunch of people having a snow-ball fight down on the turf. A bunch of my friends also went "backwards laundry basket sledding". I didn't necessarily think I would say this, but college is so fun! We get even 3 inches, and people turn into children again. Or, if given bubbles, playdough, coloring books, or any number of children's entertainment items, we go nuts. I love that because I am the same way, but my "friends" used to look at me like I needed some serious help, because I am normally so serious. There are now people who understand me here, I have never really had that (except with adults) and I love it.

Daily Thanksgiving: So far (it's only 8 a.m.), and I have been up for about an hour), I am thankful for snow, and the fact that G-d answered my prayers for a snow day. Also, I am thankful for silly college students that are mature normally, but act like kids the second anything happens that reminds them of childhood.

Major Problems, HELP!

So, y'all know my stories about guys asking me out... over texts so far. These guys always do this stuff and just plumb blindside me! Well, seeing as you guys all know me so well, I need some help. It seems as though another guys is starting to develop a crush on me. Again, it's one of my super close guy friends and I just don't know what to do. I was doing fine, I was finally content being single and I am convinced I do not want a boyfriend until I am at least a junior or senior and no marriage until I graduate. Now, out of the blue, my friend started being sweet to me. Lets just go over what happened tonight:

So he asked if I wanted to go to dinner with him. This is not unusual because we live on campus and a bunch of us often text and plan meals together, so I thought it was just going to be a normal night. Turns out, he only asked me. Then at dinner, he asked what I was doing before he came over and got me, I told him I was working on chemistry. He responded with: "I think we have some chemistry goin' on right here!" It was in a joking voice, but something seems different. Then he came over to my room and hung out for awhile, which doesn't happen often, but is not super strange.

Please tell me I am just reading too much into this. He keeps giving me hugs, which is actually really strange because he knows I hate hugs, but he says he is trying to melt my heart. Oh gosh, I can't do this! He knows my stories about the guys that have asked me out over text and asked me if he asked me out in person what I would say. I told him I didn't know and changed the subject really fast. Guys, I can't lose another friend this way. What is it that I'm doing wrong to ruin all of these friendships because they develop a crush? Maybe I need to get some medicine to stop my pheromones or something.

On the plus side, it seems like we may have a snow day tomorrow... AT COLLEGE!!! It's like a blizzard outside and I have heard forecasts of snow from 3-9 inches, but we are already at 3 inches and it is coming down so thick that I cannot hardly see lights 30-50 yards away, though they would normally be super clear.

Daily thanksgiving: I am thankful for my friends. I am thankful that G-d has saved my heart and myself from getting too hurt and for keeping me from boyfriend relationships. I am also thankful for the snow. Snow reminds me of the way G-d washes all our sins away and starts again with a fresh slate. When the snow melts, the dirt just drains off with the water and the earth is "cleaner" than it was before with each snow storm. I am also thankful for G-d's provisions and answer to prayers, He will show me what to do. Funny how this is the biggest dilemma I am currently faced with even though I am taking A&P, chem, and psych (3 sciences) and I am trying to get into nursing school. But, Ad-nai is faithful, and so very kind and He works all things for the good of those who love Him. He is my love, He is my husband and the only one I will ever be able to fully rely on.