Guys, remember that rant I went on about people calling nurses "just" a nurse or CNA's "just" a CNA? I got caught calling myself "just" a nursing student the other day at clinicals.
It all started with a pt's family member coming to the nurses' station asking for a snack for the pt or something. I can't remember. Anyway, we talked for a few minutes because I was the only person there and I was just charting. After the conversation was done, he looked at me with a frown on his face and said, "So, I know techs (CNA's) are in bright blue, nurses are in dark blue or white, and everyone else has a special color. What does white with blue sweaters mean?"
"Well," I started, "The dark blue scrubs are for the real nurses and all of us in white are just students. Students also have the choice of wearing a blue sweater if they want one."
He looked at me for a second, not quite satisfied with my answer. Then he replied, "You aren't just a student. You worked really hard to get to this point and a lot of people never make it as far as you have already gotten."
I was speechless. Never have I been so encouraged and humbled simultaneously. I understand that nurses are super great. I get that. Why do you think I want to be a nurse? But I never really realized how weighted the title of nurse is. People hold nurses in such high regards. Over the past few months, I have been seeing the little memes on Pinterest about how hard nursing is and how amazing nurses think they are. They are pretty amazing, don't get me wrong. It just seems to me that people in my nursing class-I don't know about anywhere else-are getting big heads. Their egos are quickly swelling and they talk about other majors and other professions as being less than being a nurse. They (and my professors) also seem to be quite against most doctors... but that's another story.
Guys, nurses are fantastic. They do a lot of necessary and extra special things to make sure that their patients can be as healthy as possible. However, every job that anyone has in society holds a special place in our intricately woven country.
So, while I say not to call yourself "just" a nurse or CNA. I am also very passionate about nobody calling yourself "just" an anything. You are hand-made by THE Creator of the Universe. You may not know why you are here, but you are here for a reason. You are not just some person, a bag of bones, or a random life. No. You were "knitted together in your mother's womb," you are cherished, watched after, and valuable. Don't forget it.
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Friday, April 25, 2014
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Middle-of-Semester Blahs
What a drag the middle of the semester is. Between midterms, projects, and tired teachers, I'm fried. Plus we are having super cold weather here and the sun seems to be always hiding whether I get up before sunrise or go to bed far after it sets. I need some vitamin D!
An interesting thing happened today. Keep in mind that I fight the flu vaccine like nobody's business, except for this year and the next two years due to clinicals. I still want to fight it but I'm not willing to get kicked out of nursing school. So, they have me up against a rock and a hard place and I'm letting them bully me. I'm disappointing myself. Anywho, the manager of my CNA job sent us an article that stated that vaccines are bad and should not be taken because of the aluminum and mercury in them!!! *facepalm* This is the same lady that gets all up in my grill for refusing vaccines on religious grounds. I read this email while at my library IT job and I almost started screaming and punching walls. I texted my mom about it and later called her because this is nonsense. People, if you are in management and you are enforcing something as controversial as flu shots, use some common sense and don't send out an article saying that they are bad. Duh! Man alive, I'm still rialed up about it. That may or may not have been exacerbated by the double espresso mocha coffee I had earlier and the Red Bull I just downed... Doesn't matter though. Yes, I know I get to be a bit much when I get frustrated but I hate when people try to shove something on you and then take it back or provide you with reasons why you shouldn't have done it. Generally I just dislike people telling me what to do if they aren't G-d Himself.
I suppose I'm a bit of a hothead and I need to just calm down and respect those in charge like the Bible says to do. We aren't supposed to roll over and just take what the leaders say though! We can fight and ask them why they want us to do stuff. My goodness, I am just having a hard time coping with this one. I'll post the article later...
What would you do, or what do you do, when your managers/leaders do stuff like this? Do you just suck it up and not think much about it? Do you ask them why they released an article like that for us to read if it contradicts what thy say to us? Do you get angry? Does it even matter?
I'm a fighter. When someone is pushing something on me I won't just take it. I want to know why, how, when, and anything else about it before I accept the change. Even then I am resistant to it. Maybe that's just because I like for things to stay the same all the time. Perhaps it's because I've been burnt far too many times to count by people that were supposed to have my best interest in mind and by people I thought I could trust.
That was my day... How was yours?
Daily Thanksgiving: The teacher that most of the people in my class doesn't like 1) is kind to me, 2) knows my name, 3) has extended grace to me several times. I'm not a teachers pet, but I do talk to her and explain my situation. I like that she knows my name because no teachers ever seem to remember my name, not even when I was in high school. It's likely because I typically don't talk much to teachers or in class, so I'm okay with them not knowing me. However, it's nice to be heard and known sometimes. I am also making loads of friends in the nursing program and I'm starting to remember names!
An interesting thing happened today. Keep in mind that I fight the flu vaccine like nobody's business, except for this year and the next two years due to clinicals. I still want to fight it but I'm not willing to get kicked out of nursing school. So, they have me up against a rock and a hard place and I'm letting them bully me. I'm disappointing myself. Anywho, the manager of my CNA job sent us an article that stated that vaccines are bad and should not be taken because of the aluminum and mercury in them!!! *facepalm* This is the same lady that gets all up in my grill for refusing vaccines on religious grounds. I read this email while at my library IT job and I almost started screaming and punching walls. I texted my mom about it and later called her because this is nonsense. People, if you are in management and you are enforcing something as controversial as flu shots, use some common sense and don't send out an article saying that they are bad. Duh! Man alive, I'm still rialed up about it. That may or may not have been exacerbated by the double espresso mocha coffee I had earlier and the Red Bull I just downed... Doesn't matter though. Yes, I know I get to be a bit much when I get frustrated but I hate when people try to shove something on you and then take it back or provide you with reasons why you shouldn't have done it. Generally I just dislike people telling me what to do if they aren't G-d Himself.
I suppose I'm a bit of a hothead and I need to just calm down and respect those in charge like the Bible says to do. We aren't supposed to roll over and just take what the leaders say though! We can fight and ask them why they want us to do stuff. My goodness, I am just having a hard time coping with this one. I'll post the article later...
What would you do, or what do you do, when your managers/leaders do stuff like this? Do you just suck it up and not think much about it? Do you ask them why they released an article like that for us to read if it contradicts what thy say to us? Do you get angry? Does it even matter?
I'm a fighter. When someone is pushing something on me I won't just take it. I want to know why, how, when, and anything else about it before I accept the change. Even then I am resistant to it. Maybe that's just because I like for things to stay the same all the time. Perhaps it's because I've been burnt far too many times to count by people that were supposed to have my best interest in mind and by people I thought I could trust.
That was my day... How was yours?
Daily Thanksgiving: The teacher that most of the people in my class doesn't like 1) is kind to me, 2) knows my name, 3) has extended grace to me several times. I'm not a teachers pet, but I do talk to her and explain my situation. I like that she knows my name because no teachers ever seem to remember my name, not even when I was in high school. It's likely because I typically don't talk much to teachers or in class, so I'm okay with them not knowing me. However, it's nice to be heard and known sometimes. I am also making loads of friends in the nursing program and I'm starting to remember names!
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Over Halfway!
I took my "midterm" today for my week-long class and I got a 89%. It seems that I can't break past this B ceiling of test grades lately, but I am very grateful that G-d got me this good grade! I was fearing that I would have done much worse, but there is a really good chance that G-d can get me an A in this class! That would be so nice.
I got my schedule for my 2nd job today and I work Thursday morning (I don't have any class Thursday which is perfect!) for a few hours and then I work Monday afternoon right after my Monday morning class. Hopefully I will be able to study during these shifts, but I'm kinda doubting it. I am just very glad that I do not have to work until midnight because they are open at 7:30 nearly every morning and they don't close until midnight most nights. I don't know why because we are just IT but I'm kinda excited for this job. I go and meet my new boss and another new hire that I will likely be working with. I am so glad that I only have to work 2 extra days a week and I really hope that my grades stay good this year. I am going to try really hard to stay on top of my school work, but I tried that the last 3 semesters of college (all of my college career) and it hasn't really worked completely yet. So, this extra job will either be extra motivation or it will completely sink me and I will have to quit before next semester... We shall see. I am getting better at not procrastinating. It's a slow, painful process, but G-d's bringing me along.
*Disclosure: the following rant may contain content that may make some people uncomfortable because it has to do with the spiritual realm and evil works that we are all currently witnesses to.*
In the meantime, I am trying to finish my homework and studying for my week-long class but my brother is playing this atrocious zombie game. Ugh! It's absolutely disgusting and I can handle barf, poop, bodily fluids, birth, surgery, and bones being sawed! This is just a video game but it is probably one of the most evil things I have ever seen. I am so appalled by the new popular fascination with the "living dead", vampires, ware-wolfs, witches, goblins, warlocks, and demons. Folks, these things are from the Adversary (Satan). Don't kid yourself. Teen girls falling in love with vampires that are hundreds of years old because he is "immortal" is not from G-d. Ware-wolfs and zombies are not holy, in fact, they are very evil. They aren't even original, these themes have been seen before... IN THE BIBLE!!! We are warned about things like these, but they weren't make-believe then and they aren't now. Read Genesis 6:1-8. Nothing is new under the sun and these things that have suddenly grown in popularity should not be taken lightly. Don't play these games, watch the movies, read the books, entertain the ideas, or buy into these lies. If you have, it's not too late, but you have to get rid of the materials and start praying. Get out of it and get it out of your house. Invite G-d in, don't entertain evil because that is just inviting the Adversary. I want to destroy my t.v. and break my brother's game because this zombie game makes me sick to my stomach because it is so full of evil and I am very sensitive to things like this. G-d gave me an extreme sensitivity to Himself and the spiritual stuff going on. That's right, all of the vampire, witch, magic, zombie stuff that is going on is not just man-made, it all has it's roots in the spiritual realm.
Moral of story: think about what you expose yourself to and what you allow your family to be exposed to. Things aren't as they appear and a simple "love" story could have a deeper, very evil meaning.
*End of Rant. The rest of my post is clean.*
Daily Thanksgiving: I got an 89% on my test! I work excellent days this next year and I got another job with IT! I am over halfway through my class and probably closer to 3/4 through it. 1 more day of lectures and 1 day of study/testing and then I am finished. I volunteer to babysit children with special needs on Friday with a bunch of my fellow nursing students of all classes (sophomore, junior, senior classes) and I am very excited! Nursing school starts in 18 days. G-d keeps giving us rain which is such a beautiful thing after all of the fires my state has had already this summer. G-d protected my friends house from any damage from the fire (when we were evacuated). G-d totally convicted me last night of my current overall heart status with James 3-4. Oh golly, He gives me just what I need all the time. Even though it is kinda hard to hear, it's the tough love that let's me know that He is still willing to shape me and fix me to be who He needs me to be. He has also given me more strength to get over this wedding cycle that I have been going through lately (it was slightly self-induced due to the 3 guys who were kinda in my life).
I'm exhausted, so I'm gonna go to bed. Read James 3-4, hopefully it can help you wherever you are in life. Let G-d convict you because we have to be broken before we can be reshaped by Him. It's like muscles. You have to over-work them so they rip (microscopically, a large muscle tear is a serious problem and you should get that looked at...), but G-d created our bodies so that when they are repaired they get bigger and stronger!
I got my schedule for my 2nd job today and I work Thursday morning (I don't have any class Thursday which is perfect!) for a few hours and then I work Monday afternoon right after my Monday morning class. Hopefully I will be able to study during these shifts, but I'm kinda doubting it. I am just very glad that I do not have to work until midnight because they are open at 7:30 nearly every morning and they don't close until midnight most nights. I don't know why because we are just IT but I'm kinda excited for this job. I go and meet my new boss and another new hire that I will likely be working with. I am so glad that I only have to work 2 extra days a week and I really hope that my grades stay good this year. I am going to try really hard to stay on top of my school work, but I tried that the last 3 semesters of college (all of my college career) and it hasn't really worked completely yet. So, this extra job will either be extra motivation or it will completely sink me and I will have to quit before next semester... We shall see. I am getting better at not procrastinating. It's a slow, painful process, but G-d's bringing me along.
*Disclosure: the following rant may contain content that may make some people uncomfortable because it has to do with the spiritual realm and evil works that we are all currently witnesses to.*
In the meantime, I am trying to finish my homework and studying for my week-long class but my brother is playing this atrocious zombie game. Ugh! It's absolutely disgusting and I can handle barf, poop, bodily fluids, birth, surgery, and bones being sawed! This is just a video game but it is probably one of the most evil things I have ever seen. I am so appalled by the new popular fascination with the "living dead", vampires, ware-wolfs, witches, goblins, warlocks, and demons. Folks, these things are from the Adversary (Satan). Don't kid yourself. Teen girls falling in love with vampires that are hundreds of years old because he is "immortal" is not from G-d. Ware-wolfs and zombies are not holy, in fact, they are very evil. They aren't even original, these themes have been seen before... IN THE BIBLE!!! We are warned about things like these, but they weren't make-believe then and they aren't now. Read Genesis 6:1-8. Nothing is new under the sun and these things that have suddenly grown in popularity should not be taken lightly. Don't play these games, watch the movies, read the books, entertain the ideas, or buy into these lies. If you have, it's not too late, but you have to get rid of the materials and start praying. Get out of it and get it out of your house. Invite G-d in, don't entertain evil because that is just inviting the Adversary. I want to destroy my t.v. and break my brother's game because this zombie game makes me sick to my stomach because it is so full of evil and I am very sensitive to things like this. G-d gave me an extreme sensitivity to Himself and the spiritual stuff going on. That's right, all of the vampire, witch, magic, zombie stuff that is going on is not just man-made, it all has it's roots in the spiritual realm.
Moral of story: think about what you expose yourself to and what you allow your family to be exposed to. Things aren't as they appear and a simple "love" story could have a deeper, very evil meaning.
*End of Rant. The rest of my post is clean.*
Daily Thanksgiving: I got an 89% on my test! I work excellent days this next year and I got another job with IT! I am over halfway through my class and probably closer to 3/4 through it. 1 more day of lectures and 1 day of study/testing and then I am finished. I volunteer to babysit children with special needs on Friday with a bunch of my fellow nursing students of all classes (sophomore, junior, senior classes) and I am very excited! Nursing school starts in 18 days. G-d keeps giving us rain which is such a beautiful thing after all of the fires my state has had already this summer. G-d protected my friends house from any damage from the fire (when we were evacuated). G-d totally convicted me last night of my current overall heart status with James 3-4. Oh golly, He gives me just what I need all the time. Even though it is kinda hard to hear, it's the tough love that let's me know that He is still willing to shape me and fix me to be who He needs me to be. He has also given me more strength to get over this wedding cycle that I have been going through lately (it was slightly self-induced due to the 3 guys who were kinda in my life).
I'm exhausted, so I'm gonna go to bed. Read James 3-4, hopefully it can help you wherever you are in life. Let G-d convict you because we have to be broken before we can be reshaped by Him. It's like muscles. You have to over-work them so they rip (microscopically, a large muscle tear is a serious problem and you should get that looked at...), but G-d created our bodies so that when they are repaired they get bigger and stronger!
Thursday, July 25, 2013
I Promised But...
Y'all, I promised I would try to not talk about boys so much because I pretty much rant and rave about the same things time and time again but goodness! These boys are driving me insane. My country boy doesn't text me for 2-3 weeks and I am finally over him and I'm not thinking about him so much. Then, I'm sittin' in micro just minding my business, and guess who I get a text from. Ya, that's right, it's country boy. The first thing that went through my head was anger. A few angry words, nothing too inappropriate, but nothing worth repeating. Then a glimmer of desire for a boyfriend swept through my consciousness. I quickly crashed to earth from my ridiculous dreams when I realized I was wasting my time.
What are these jokers thinking? You don't talk to me for weeks and then text me up out of the blue?
This brings me to a confession I really need to get off my chest. I am suddenly craving a boyfriend. This is really annoying. I can't even express how frustrating this is because I still cannot figure out how to control my thoughts...
Daily Thanksgiving: I made it through the day without freaking out at anyone and I am over country boy! It has been tested and I am very close to being certain that I am over him and the ideals I made up about him. Also, I didn't fall asleep during micro... I was very close to crashing but G-d allowed me to survive!
That was pretty much the extent of my day. How are you doing?
What are these jokers thinking? You don't talk to me for weeks and then text me up out of the blue?
This brings me to a confession I really need to get off my chest. I am suddenly craving a boyfriend. This is really annoying. I can't even express how frustrating this is because I still cannot figure out how to control my thoughts...
Daily Thanksgiving: I made it through the day without freaking out at anyone and I am over country boy! It has been tested and I am very close to being certain that I am over him and the ideals I made up about him. Also, I didn't fall asleep during micro... I was very close to crashing but G-d allowed me to survive!
That was pretty much the extent of my day. How are you doing?
Saturday, July 20, 2013
One of Those Days
Do you ever have those instances where you know what you want to say but you don't know how to say it? I know what I'm thinking and feeling (ugh! I dislike that word but it's the only one I can think of to fit this situation) but I don't know how to put it into words. I'm sure y'all are sick of reading about my boy problems and I promise I will try to cut back on those posts. Right now, however, it seems like I need to express myself with this whole situation but I don't know how to put into words everything that is within me. Please tell me I'm not the only one that has this happen to them! Maybe I just need to focus on school more and stop thinking about this because it's driving me nuts and you guys must me sick of reading about it. So, I propose that I don't talk about it much anymore. I will try my hardest to not make every post or every other post about these silly boys that are getting me all worked up because it's not doing anything to help the situation. Also, I know that this blog is for nursing students, CNA's, future midwifes, and anyone else interested in these types of conversations so I will try to keep my posts more along those lines instead of letting this be my personal diary. Maybe you can have a peek into my inner workings every once in awhile, but I wanted this blog to be for nursing students and the journey we go through because I didn't find a whole lot of blogs that really chronicled the events that I was curious about with regards to nursing school. Therefore, I am going to try to get back onto topic and stop this ridiculous ranting. I apologize to you all for putting you through that.
Today I met a nurse at the volunteer thing I went to. She works on the orthopedics floor at the hospital I got offered a job at, and she had some great stories and she was full of tons of information. She looked like she was probably in college, but she is a full-fledged RN and had been nursing for 5-8 years (I can't remember how long she had said she has been nursing for). She was very inspirational though because she moved here from several states away, bought her own house, is engaged, and is allowing her brother to live with her as he gets on his feet as a police officer. It's so nice to see someone so young who went the traditional school-job-marriage route, especially when so many people are discouraging that path for me. They want me to date, get married now, then finish my college, with or without children in the mix. But they want everything done right now. To tell you the truth, I wish I did have a boyfriend right now and I wish I had marriage in sight. Now, that is not the case and so I have to be grateful and trust that the L-rd has everything in my life worked out the way He needs it. Until then, I will hold off and be patient (as patient as I can be right now) and stick with my boring, traditional school-job-possibly marriage route that seems to be before me.
I also got to do some blood glucose tests today! The first time I did them I had to use an old-school lancet and that was no bueno! I stuck the girl who was teaching me 2-3 times and I felt so bad. Today, however, we had those nifty lancets that are spring loaded so you just press and the thing shoots out and sticks the victim. Golly, I love those things and getting to do blood tests is so exciting! I can't wait to learn I.V.'s in school. Something about blood fascinates me. G-d puts so much importance into blood in the Bible and in life and so to be able to see it and do stuff with it is so exciting! I can't wait to be a nurse. Then I get into class and I wonder why I am doing this at all... but days like this make me excited to be a nurse again. So, for the time being, I am super stoked to be starting actual nursing classes this fall with my friend from this last semester to help me through. L-rd willing, we will make it through to the end and be able to be pinned and we will become Registered Nurses with our Bachelor's degrees together.
Random thoughts: Yesterday I had micro class and lab, nothing new there. At the end of class, a strange thing happened though. A random lady came up to me with the scared, sunken in eyes look that people get when they are nervous. She asked me if she could ask me a personal question. I was nervous and immediately thought of everything I had done wrong in that class because she almost sounded like she was about to cuss me out for having done something wrong (which I didn't do anything but I'm always nervous and jumping to conclusions like that). She said she had overheard me say that I got into the nursing program at my university and she was wondering if I thought that a B would make it difficult for her to get into the program. Wow. I am so not used to people coming up to me and asking me for advise on anything! I gave her my opinion, my advice, and what I had heard from my school counselor and various others who had made it into the program and she went on her merry way with that answer. As I was walking to my car that night I started thinking about my acceptance. I have been so proud to be accepted over hundreds of other applicants and the fact that I made it into the program after my counselor had said that the first year was really hard and so many people drop out, I had pride because I showed her wrong and I got almost straight A's to boot! But then I began to wonder why I was proud. I didn't really do anything to get in. I slack off with school and then begin praying and scrambling to finish projects, papers, and to study for tests. So G-d does all of my schoolwork and He is the one to get me good grades. I did not study well for the HESI so G-d gave me another day to study and He gave me favor with the test when I did not know the answers. I did not do anything extraordinary to get into the program, G-d allowed the nursing school board to find favor with me to allow me into the program. Why am I proud? I have no right to be proud! I did not earn this acceptance into the nursing program. All of my accomplishments in life are really not mine at all. Everything I have, everything I have done (that is good) is because of G-d. He inspires me to do any good thing that I do. He is the one to provide good things for me in all aspects of life. I do not have anything to boast about except that G-d reigns supreme and He is Almighty. He provides everything good in my life. He protects me and He fixes my mistakes in life.
Daily Thanksgiving: G-d got me into the nursing program. He gave me a beautiful apartment and allowed me to be able to rent it with my brother this year. He gives us just enough that we do not go hungry, but He doesn't give us too much that we forget Him. He allowed me to have a very nice, relaxing day and I got some sun (and Vitamin D) while volunteering. He also gave me a little boost of encouragement through meeting the young nurse I met today.
Shabbat Shalom!
Today I met a nurse at the volunteer thing I went to. She works on the orthopedics floor at the hospital I got offered a job at, and she had some great stories and she was full of tons of information. She looked like she was probably in college, but she is a full-fledged RN and had been nursing for 5-8 years (I can't remember how long she had said she has been nursing for). She was very inspirational though because she moved here from several states away, bought her own house, is engaged, and is allowing her brother to live with her as he gets on his feet as a police officer. It's so nice to see someone so young who went the traditional school-job-marriage route, especially when so many people are discouraging that path for me. They want me to date, get married now, then finish my college, with or without children in the mix. But they want everything done right now. To tell you the truth, I wish I did have a boyfriend right now and I wish I had marriage in sight. Now, that is not the case and so I have to be grateful and trust that the L-rd has everything in my life worked out the way He needs it. Until then, I will hold off and be patient (as patient as I can be right now) and stick with my boring, traditional school-job-possibly marriage route that seems to be before me.
I also got to do some blood glucose tests today! The first time I did them I had to use an old-school lancet and that was no bueno! I stuck the girl who was teaching me 2-3 times and I felt so bad. Today, however, we had those nifty lancets that are spring loaded so you just press and the thing shoots out and sticks the victim. Golly, I love those things and getting to do blood tests is so exciting! I can't wait to learn I.V.'s in school. Something about blood fascinates me. G-d puts so much importance into blood in the Bible and in life and so to be able to see it and do stuff with it is so exciting! I can't wait to be a nurse. Then I get into class and I wonder why I am doing this at all... but days like this make me excited to be a nurse again. So, for the time being, I am super stoked to be starting actual nursing classes this fall with my friend from this last semester to help me through. L-rd willing, we will make it through to the end and be able to be pinned and we will become Registered Nurses with our Bachelor's degrees together.
Random thoughts: Yesterday I had micro class and lab, nothing new there. At the end of class, a strange thing happened though. A random lady came up to me with the scared, sunken in eyes look that people get when they are nervous. She asked me if she could ask me a personal question. I was nervous and immediately thought of everything I had done wrong in that class because she almost sounded like she was about to cuss me out for having done something wrong (which I didn't do anything but I'm always nervous and jumping to conclusions like that). She said she had overheard me say that I got into the nursing program at my university and she was wondering if I thought that a B would make it difficult for her to get into the program. Wow. I am so not used to people coming up to me and asking me for advise on anything! I gave her my opinion, my advice, and what I had heard from my school counselor and various others who had made it into the program and she went on her merry way with that answer. As I was walking to my car that night I started thinking about my acceptance. I have been so proud to be accepted over hundreds of other applicants and the fact that I made it into the program after my counselor had said that the first year was really hard and so many people drop out, I had pride because I showed her wrong and I got almost straight A's to boot! But then I began to wonder why I was proud. I didn't really do anything to get in. I slack off with school and then begin praying and scrambling to finish projects, papers, and to study for tests. So G-d does all of my schoolwork and He is the one to get me good grades. I did not study well for the HESI so G-d gave me another day to study and He gave me favor with the test when I did not know the answers. I did not do anything extraordinary to get into the program, G-d allowed the nursing school board to find favor with me to allow me into the program. Why am I proud? I have no right to be proud! I did not earn this acceptance into the nursing program. All of my accomplishments in life are really not mine at all. Everything I have, everything I have done (that is good) is because of G-d. He inspires me to do any good thing that I do. He is the one to provide good things for me in all aspects of life. I do not have anything to boast about except that G-d reigns supreme and He is Almighty. He provides everything good in my life. He protects me and He fixes my mistakes in life.
Daily Thanksgiving: G-d got me into the nursing program. He gave me a beautiful apartment and allowed me to be able to rent it with my brother this year. He gives us just enough that we do not go hungry, but He doesn't give us too much that we forget Him. He allowed me to have a very nice, relaxing day and I got some sun (and Vitamin D) while volunteering. He also gave me a little boost of encouragement through meeting the young nurse I met today.
Shabbat Shalom!
Friday, May 10, 2013
Return of My Cynicism
I just researched "cynic" just to see if I was spelling it right, but I found this definition on Google: "Cynicism, in its original form, refers to the beliefs of an ancient
school of Greek philosophers known as the Cynics. Their philosophy was
that the purpose of life was to live a life of Virtue in agreement with
Nature."
Ya, that's definitely not me. I go under the newer definition of cynicism (also found on Google):
Anyway, gone was the week or so of being slightly calmer than normal because my cynicism has returned with a vengeance! It seems like I'm going through the whole wedding cycle again, which is weird because the normal triggers that typically have to take place have not taken place. Maybe its the fact that I'm writing a paper about college student's views on marriage and how it is beneficial to remain single, at least until school is completed and your career is up and running. Right now though, I am finding myself not wanting to be married, or even dating at all. But, coupled with my sudden disdain for the thought of me being married is that little inkling of hope that I will someday be a mother and have children of my own. I will not be a single mother who just gets knocked up in order to have offspring so how do I get around being married but still have children? Maybe I will just give up the thought of children and just focus on helping other women have their babies instead. Then, I still get to hold babies and I don't have to get hitched. Unfortunately, I have a sinking suspicion that this proposal will not provide happiness or get rid of my desires. Maybe marriage won't be so bad, but right now it makes my stomach ill. Not because I'm scared of living with someone for the rest of my life, or because I'm terrified of letting someone know all of me (my thoughts, my life, my everything) though that is a little scary. Right now, I can't pinpoint why I am so opposed to me marrying someone, but this thought of no marriage is getting stronger.
Again, questions are circling through my mind like: Does G-d even have someone for me? Would I even be able to have children? Would I be a good mother? Can I make it through nursing school, let alone midwifery school?
Why am I not able to just trust that G-d will take care of everything!?! I'm so frustrated with myself that I tell G-d I trust Him to orchestrate my life, but then I take the reigns right back and I begin to tell him what I want from life, in a husband, and random things throughout the day. Why? I'm not Him, I don't know what's best for me. Maybe He needs me to finish nursing school in 4.5 or 5 years instead of the 4 year program I am trying for. Maybe He doesn't even want me to be a nurse. I don't know. Perhaps I need to stay single and not be a mother for whatever reason. It sucks constantly not knowing what life is going to be like, where I am going, or what's going to happen. But it's in those times that my faith is strengthened and life is the smoothest when I finally surrender and let G-d do what He is going to do. How do I get back to the state of surrender? How do I stay in that state instead of trying to control everything again?
Ya, that's definitely not me. I go under the newer definition of cynicism (also found on Google):
- Believing that people are motivated by self-interest; distrustful of human sincerity or integrity.
- Doubtful as to whether something will happen or is worthwhile.
Anyway, gone was the week or so of being slightly calmer than normal because my cynicism has returned with a vengeance! It seems like I'm going through the whole wedding cycle again, which is weird because the normal triggers that typically have to take place have not taken place. Maybe its the fact that I'm writing a paper about college student's views on marriage and how it is beneficial to remain single, at least until school is completed and your career is up and running. Right now though, I am finding myself not wanting to be married, or even dating at all. But, coupled with my sudden disdain for the thought of me being married is that little inkling of hope that I will someday be a mother and have children of my own. I will not be a single mother who just gets knocked up in order to have offspring so how do I get around being married but still have children? Maybe I will just give up the thought of children and just focus on helping other women have their babies instead. Then, I still get to hold babies and I don't have to get hitched. Unfortunately, I have a sinking suspicion that this proposal will not provide happiness or get rid of my desires. Maybe marriage won't be so bad, but right now it makes my stomach ill. Not because I'm scared of living with someone for the rest of my life, or because I'm terrified of letting someone know all of me (my thoughts, my life, my everything) though that is a little scary. Right now, I can't pinpoint why I am so opposed to me marrying someone, but this thought of no marriage is getting stronger.
Again, questions are circling through my mind like: Does G-d even have someone for me? Would I even be able to have children? Would I be a good mother? Can I make it through nursing school, let alone midwifery school?
Why am I not able to just trust that G-d will take care of everything!?! I'm so frustrated with myself that I tell G-d I trust Him to orchestrate my life, but then I take the reigns right back and I begin to tell him what I want from life, in a husband, and random things throughout the day. Why? I'm not Him, I don't know what's best for me. Maybe He needs me to finish nursing school in 4.5 or 5 years instead of the 4 year program I am trying for. Maybe He doesn't even want me to be a nurse. I don't know. Perhaps I need to stay single and not be a mother for whatever reason. It sucks constantly not knowing what life is going to be like, where I am going, or what's going to happen. But it's in those times that my faith is strengthened and life is the smoothest when I finally surrender and let G-d do what He is going to do. How do I get back to the state of surrender? How do I stay in that state instead of trying to control everything again?
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Presentation Done!
I hate talking in front of people. Public speaking is worse for me than taking a pop quiz, I just hate it. Today, I had to give a ten minute presentation on my paper for English. It went alright, not great, but I wasn't super nervous because G-d calmed my nerves a little bit. But, now it is done which means that besides homework, I only have: 3 finals, 2 lab tests, and a 10-12 page paper standing between me and my week-long summer break!
I was going to rant about something that I have been noticing the past few years, but I totally forgot what it is... So, I will likely write about it later, if I remember.
In the meantime, let's talk about weight. Dangerous subject, but I think I need to explain this to someone right now before I burst and just unload on one person. So, on the stairs hike I went on a few weeks ago, I was the slowest person. I called it and I had warned my group several times. Two guys stayed and went slow with me even though I told them to go ahead and I would meet them at the top. It was super sweet of them to stay with me and try to make me feel like I wasn't such a failure, but I know the truth. Anyway, the past few weeks I've gotten come flack, which I deserve, for having been the slowest person. I move slow anyway, but that was ridiculously slow for me because my legs stopped working... Regardless, I've been the chubby/fat kid in class for most of my life since second or third grade. That's nobody's fault but mine, I get that. I just get embarrassed talking about how chubby I still see myself or how unfit I continue to be. Yes, I am working on it, slowly, but I don't need it pointed out by friends. When people give me hugs, I can't stop thinking about my "love handles," which just happens to be the most ridiculous name for flabs of fat because I don't feel like being loved because I have these nuisances on my sides. When people hug me from behind, I get so self-conscious and I usually harp on that thought of "was I squishy?" or "did they notice my love handles when their hands lingered on the sides of my abdomen?" I am trying to move past this, but for right now, I just need to vent. Have y'all noticed that people lean in for far too many hugs, for far too long, and then they linger? Maybe I'm just around an odd group of especially touchy people, but I think I may lose it here directly. Even women at shul come in real close, lean in for a hug, and then when they decide the hug is over 3 hours later, they leave their hands on my sides. Worst feeling I think I've felt in a long time. I'm not a touchy person, so that probably plays a slight role in my hands phobia, but there is no need to be constantly feeling people around you.
Also, to you close talkers out there: Please get out of my bubble! You can always test people to see if they are close talkers because 1) they will stand really close, almost kissing distance, and begin a conversation 2) if you move back, they follow! This drives me nuts because I will back up 20 feet and into a wall and still can't get away from these silly people. I love you close talkers, I do, otherwise I wouldn't talk to you. With that said, get out of my space. I need at least an arms length (fully extended) between you and me. Even that is not far enough apart.
So, you hug lingerers and close talkers, just be aware that those of us with anxiety are freaking out around you because we never know when we will get hit with a full-on frontal-attach (hug) or hit by a wall (as we back up to give ourselves room to breathe). We love you, but we need space.
Any tips for workouts to make my flabs go away? They aren't just on the sides of my abdomen, they are all over. I'm still just a chubby girl, the chub is just better proportioned and distributed to where women are supposed to have curves from what society tells us. Maybe I'll just move to a country where it's attractive to be a little chunky. That way I could get away from the problems of this life and go get different problems in a different country with different people and a new view! Or, I'll just move to Scottland, or Iceland, or Holland, or something...
Big news: I'm moving out of the country! Just kidding, I only might move out of the country. But seriously, I have been looking into this!
Daily Thanksgiving: It's Thursday, meaning that it's my last day of classes for the week and I only have chem lab left today. That's amazing. 2 weeks of school left. Snow stopped, but it's still cold. I have been pretty productive since learning I am a Type A personality that gets close to maxing out the procrastination scale. Did I mention only 2 weeks left of school? I get to go apartment shopping tomorrow, again, but I'm still pretty excited. G-d has brought me to the end and He has kept me safe through most of my first year of college, and I believe He will continue to keep me safe through the last little stretch.
I was going to rant about something that I have been noticing the past few years, but I totally forgot what it is... So, I will likely write about it later, if I remember.
In the meantime, let's talk about weight. Dangerous subject, but I think I need to explain this to someone right now before I burst and just unload on one person. So, on the stairs hike I went on a few weeks ago, I was the slowest person. I called it and I had warned my group several times. Two guys stayed and went slow with me even though I told them to go ahead and I would meet them at the top. It was super sweet of them to stay with me and try to make me feel like I wasn't such a failure, but I know the truth. Anyway, the past few weeks I've gotten come flack, which I deserve, for having been the slowest person. I move slow anyway, but that was ridiculously slow for me because my legs stopped working... Regardless, I've been the chubby/fat kid in class for most of my life since second or third grade. That's nobody's fault but mine, I get that. I just get embarrassed talking about how chubby I still see myself or how unfit I continue to be. Yes, I am working on it, slowly, but I don't need it pointed out by friends. When people give me hugs, I can't stop thinking about my "love handles," which just happens to be the most ridiculous name for flabs of fat because I don't feel like being loved because I have these nuisances on my sides. When people hug me from behind, I get so self-conscious and I usually harp on that thought of "was I squishy?" or "did they notice my love handles when their hands lingered on the sides of my abdomen?" I am trying to move past this, but for right now, I just need to vent. Have y'all noticed that people lean in for far too many hugs, for far too long, and then they linger? Maybe I'm just around an odd group of especially touchy people, but I think I may lose it here directly. Even women at shul come in real close, lean in for a hug, and then when they decide the hug is over 3 hours later, they leave their hands on my sides. Worst feeling I think I've felt in a long time. I'm not a touchy person, so that probably plays a slight role in my hands phobia, but there is no need to be constantly feeling people around you.
Also, to you close talkers out there: Please get out of my bubble! You can always test people to see if they are close talkers because 1) they will stand really close, almost kissing distance, and begin a conversation 2) if you move back, they follow! This drives me nuts because I will back up 20 feet and into a wall and still can't get away from these silly people. I love you close talkers, I do, otherwise I wouldn't talk to you. With that said, get out of my space. I need at least an arms length (fully extended) between you and me. Even that is not far enough apart.
So, you hug lingerers and close talkers, just be aware that those of us with anxiety are freaking out around you because we never know when we will get hit with a full-on frontal-attach (hug) or hit by a wall (as we back up to give ourselves room to breathe). We love you, but we need space.
Any tips for workouts to make my flabs go away? They aren't just on the sides of my abdomen, they are all over. I'm still just a chubby girl, the chub is just better proportioned and distributed to where women are supposed to have curves from what society tells us. Maybe I'll just move to a country where it's attractive to be a little chunky. That way I could get away from the problems of this life and go get different problems in a different country with different people and a new view! Or, I'll just move to Scottland, or Iceland, or Holland, or something...
Big news: I'm moving out of the country! Just kidding, I only might move out of the country. But seriously, I have been looking into this!
Daily Thanksgiving: It's Thursday, meaning that it's my last day of classes for the week and I only have chem lab left today. That's amazing. 2 weeks of school left. Snow stopped, but it's still cold. I have been pretty productive since learning I am a Type A personality that gets close to maxing out the procrastination scale. Did I mention only 2 weeks left of school? I get to go apartment shopping tomorrow, again, but I'm still pretty excited. G-d has brought me to the end and He has kept me safe through most of my first year of college, and I believe He will continue to keep me safe through the last little stretch.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Dating Drama
No, this is not another rant about my current dilemma in the pre-dating phase of my life, this is about a very dear friend of mine. Its about my friends B, P, and Z (P = my guy friend who likes me, B = P's roommate, Z = my close girl friend who is in cahoots with P). Does it feel like algebra again?
Anyway, Z has (had) a crush on B while P had a crush on me. So, P and Z decided to form an alliance and take B and I down. Why? I don't know. Currently I have a theory that there are too many pheromones and hormones going around and since it's spring, people begin to look for mates... This is likely not the case, but that's what I'm sticking with because for girls and guys around the nation, last week sucked in the dating world (at least in my group of friends which includes many more than just these three people).
So, Z had my guy friend (P) ask B if he liked Z or not. Z and P were assuming he had no idea of what was going on, like they assumed I had no idea what was going on. But B had a hunch that she was into him, but he did not "feel" the same way about her. Now my friends heart is broken, but she is taking it like a champ. B probably does not know that Z knows because P told him that Z did not know. For now, everyone is acting like nothing happened. Meanwhile, I don't know what to do. I think B probably doesn't either. Knowing all that has gone on behind the scenes of Z and B, I wonder who knows about P and I. Also, I wonder what is going on and how big of a mess I'm really in because I am obviously only aware of the tip of this iceberg, like B is only aware of the smallest little bit of his iceberg. I am quite convinced I'm going down like the Titanic... Poor B, I just don't like that he is not aware of everything going on because I don't like not knowing all that is going on. Maybe he doesn't care, but I have a feeling he knows more than anyone else knows because I know more than I am supposed to know about my ordeal.
I'm going to need a therapist after this.
At least I am learning about my vast amount of shortcomings when it comes to being a human that, unfortunately, has to interact with other humans that occasionally develop crushes. If more people knew the science behind attraction, would there be less romantic relationships and therefore less unnecessary heartbreak? This science is fascinating to me because it explains all that I cannot understand about other because I have not really been the type of girl to think a guy is "hot" or anything like that. I have never had a boyfriend, and at this point don't really want one (at least for a few more years) but I may never want one. But the explanations and science behind dating, attraction, kissing, etc. is so fascinating and I know what's going on in P. If he knew, then it probably wouldn't be the same because he may chalk it up to pheromones and hormones like I am...
I need to do more research because research is comforting to me. I'll let you guys know what I find. In the meantime, enjoy some facts about kissing (also part of my reasons to not kiss anyone until I kiss my husband on my wedding day):
Anyway, Z has (had) a crush on B while P had a crush on me. So, P and Z decided to form an alliance and take B and I down. Why? I don't know. Currently I have a theory that there are too many pheromones and hormones going around and since it's spring, people begin to look for mates... This is likely not the case, but that's what I'm sticking with because for girls and guys around the nation, last week sucked in the dating world (at least in my group of friends which includes many more than just these three people).
So, Z had my guy friend (P) ask B if he liked Z or not. Z and P were assuming he had no idea of what was going on, like they assumed I had no idea what was going on. But B had a hunch that she was into him, but he did not "feel" the same way about her. Now my friends heart is broken, but she is taking it like a champ. B probably does not know that Z knows because P told him that Z did not know. For now, everyone is acting like nothing happened. Meanwhile, I don't know what to do. I think B probably doesn't either. Knowing all that has gone on behind the scenes of Z and B, I wonder who knows about P and I. Also, I wonder what is going on and how big of a mess I'm really in because I am obviously only aware of the tip of this iceberg, like B is only aware of the smallest little bit of his iceberg. I am quite convinced I'm going down like the Titanic... Poor B, I just don't like that he is not aware of everything going on because I don't like not knowing all that is going on. Maybe he doesn't care, but I have a feeling he knows more than anyone else knows because I know more than I am supposed to know about my ordeal.
I'm going to need a therapist after this.
At least I am learning about my vast amount of shortcomings when it comes to being a human that, unfortunately, has to interact with other humans that occasionally develop crushes. If more people knew the science behind attraction, would there be less romantic relationships and therefore less unnecessary heartbreak? This science is fascinating to me because it explains all that I cannot understand about other because I have not really been the type of girl to think a guy is "hot" or anything like that. I have never had a boyfriend, and at this point don't really want one (at least for a few more years) but I may never want one. But the explanations and science behind dating, attraction, kissing, etc. is so fascinating and I know what's going on in P. If he knew, then it probably wouldn't be the same because he may chalk it up to pheromones and hormones like I am...
I need to do more research because research is comforting to me. I'll let you guys know what I find. In the meantime, enjoy some facts about kissing (also part of my reasons to not kiss anyone until I kiss my husband on my wedding day):
- Prostitutes do not kiss their clients because it leads to feelings of attachment
- When you kiss someone, hormones are transferred between the two people (especially testosterone and oxytocin - which you likely know leads to feelings of attachment)
- It uses a bunch of muscles in your face which may keep you looking younger
- Kissing burns calories, but not a huge amount
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