Sleep Disturbances

Let's start off by discussing how precious sleep it so me. First of all, I sleep an absolutely ridiculous amount. This is because of depression, I work nights, and it is my drug of choice when life is getting too hard and I need to escape. Lately, life is very difficult, I worked last night, and depression is probably at an all time high and the longest duration I think I've ever had it in my life. Therefore, I require a lot of sleep.

Oh, an I'm in nursing school. If you are not in nursing school but plan to be, just know that some of your vacations will be spent sleeping because you get NONE during school, especially if you work and go to school and ever want to see any other human being while you are in the program. Get used to living with coffee running as the fluids in your vasculature, blood is now overrated.

Did I mention I worked last night? Before work, I typically sleep from noon until about 5:30 so that I can get sleep before work so I will not be dozing off during my shift. Seeing as I sit in a dark room with a patient I am trying to get to sleep, but I need to not sleep, this nap is crutial to me keeping my job! Yesterday I got to sleep around 2, slept for about an hour before getting woken up. Oh the rage. Words do injustice to the anger coursing through my body after being woken up. I get grumpy anyway when I'm woken up. HOwever, when I am woken up after it was incredibly difficult to fall asleep, and it took another 45 minutes to get me back to sleep in the middle of the day, I was furious. I was woken up so that the dog could come and jump on my bed because roommate does not like her being alone when she leaves. The dog is fine alone, we leave her completely alone for hours and hours during the day when we have stuff to do, she will be fine for a couple of hours while I sleep so that I can work.

Today I had to go run errands before coming home after my shift. I waited at both of the stores I needed to go to because I got to both of them before opening time because I got off at a terrible hour in the morning and nobody should be up that early. I tried for the rest of the day to lay down and take a nap after that, but I just couldn't do it. I finally got to sleep around 4 then the damned dog came in 30 minutes later whining to go out. Exasperation consumed every atom that makes up my being and I woke up to take the dog out. After 15 minutes of her sniffing around, she still hadn't gone to the bathroom at all! Oh my goodness! I was so beyond pissed. I brought her back in and told her to go to her kennel. So pissed!!! It took another 30 minutes to go back to bed (keep in mind I've been up for about 24 hours with no sleep and that makes me incredibly grumpy anyway) but having sleeping problems makes it worse. I get to sleep, stay asleep for about an hour and a half and wake up to roommate asking me to wake up to come pick up a bug she killed in her room. Yeah. I absolutely adore this girl, but the lack of sleep I'm getting is making my depression get exponentially worse by the hour and so my life is getting darker and gloomier by the moment. At this point, I am about to lose my shit because I was woken up from my very short nap to pick up a FUCKING BUG!

Please excuse the bad words, I need a little chesed (grace) because there is a lot of anger in my heart and the lack of sleep is contributing to the addition of more and more grumpiness as each day passes.

These two incidences, plus getting woken up because the dog starts barking and playing around when she gets home and the volume in the apartment raising to extremely high levels, typically once I am down for a much needed nap. In addition, being woken up at 0600 on my fucking days off so the dog can eat a treat on my bed and snuggle for a solid 3 seconds before roommate leaves, I am so beyond past my level of being ticked off. I'm also not supposed to sleep as much as required by my depression because seeing me only come out of my room to pee and eat occasionally, because I am sleeping the rest of the time, makes her worried and I made her cry because of that.

I need sleep! That's all I want. I want to sleep in a bed where the dog doesn't keep peeing in it. I want to sleep in on my days off when the apartment will be silent and I can maybe catch up on sleep without roommate worrying about me because she won't be there during the day. I want to sleep before work and know that I can get a decent nap in before work without getting woken up. I want to be able to sleep after my 12 hour long night shift because I am stressed and exhausted, without getting woken up by barking by an excited dog, barking and whining because the dog is bored and wants to go outside to sniff around, and other things that wake me up unnecessarily because I haven't slept in a very long time. ALL I WANT IS SLEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so at my whits end with life, it's just not even funny.

Add all of these things to the recurring nightmares and strange, vivid dreams I keep having about exboyfriend, Country Boy, and fiance and my life is getting very little sleep, let alone restful sleep.

Naivety Kills: Part 2

So, do y'all remember about a year ago when some strange, college aged guys came to my door and scammed me out of $20? Well, you can read that post again here. Today a different set of guys doing the same thing came to my door. Guys I did so well!!! They were flirting and I kept ignoring it. They asked for a decision to try to get money from me and I denied them at least 5 times. Dude, I'm getting smarter about people!!!

That was it.

The end.

Can I rant again?

After several months of searching my town for a new and cheaper housing option with my new roommate, we came up empty. Instead,  we decided to stay at the apartment I had shared with my brother just so that we would have a place that was permanent.

I like this apartment but they jacked up the prices WAY too much! At first they wanted me to go from $845/month to $970/month. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?! Seriously, what makes them believe they are ever going to get that amount? That's just insane, especially considering that they were only going to charge $940 for a brand new renter to start a lease.

We waited a few months and looked around until they came down to $930 and I convinced them to let me sign for that new signers amount. I had called to renew and then they emailed me to confirm our conversation. That email got "lost" for a few weeks and they called me in a panic saying they were going to make me pay about $1080 a month if I didn't call back to tell them to renew the lease. Ridiculous. In that time, however, the price of my apartment dropped again by another $25-30.

I checked online to make sure and then I asked them in the email what the going rate was for at that time. They told me I would be able to renew @ $970 again. No, that's not happening. So I forwarded the email that confirmed my price without wanting to fight them anymore and realized right after I signed the lease that I should have called in (but I was camping and had no service in addition to it being a weekend after the office was already closed) and gotten them to give me the $905 it was being advertised for on their site.

Promptly after realizing that, I emailed them to ask why they didn't inform me of the actual price and gave me a grossly inflated price. That was about a week ago and they still have not replied.

Now I am just ridiculously angry and they are fixin' to get the gnarly end of a strongly worded phone call. Well, I say that but I can never be angry on the phone because I don't like to frustrate other people or hurt their feelings. But it is not okay to be taking advantage of people just because you assume they don't know any better than the information you give them!

I am so tired of people taking advantage of me. Praise the L-rd that He is teaching me how to stand up for myself while still being nice and considerate and not just a raging lunatic. The stress in my life was overwhelming before and now it is just absolutely unbearable. Summer is not supposed to be like this!!!

IT on pause

Today was my last day working my IT job for the summer and possibly forever. It is so surreal that I have finished my second year of college (well, one more final tomorrow) and I am finished with one school-year of working as an IT person. Not quite sure if it is good or bad yet, we shall see.

In light of it being my last day, I would like to tell y'all a funny story. Well, it's kinda funny... for me...

One of my friends that works IT with me asked me to a party this Friday. He was telling me how great it would be and it's all in his apartment complex. I said "no" just flat out. There was a smile on my face but I told him no. He and his friend continued on about how fun it would be and yada, yada, yada. Then he asked if I was single. He has a girlfriend so he wasn't asking for himself. Turns out he has a friend who is Messianic who was going to be at the party and my friend was absolutely convinced I needed to go so that I could possibly meet this fellow. I told them no because I am ridiculously awkward and I was planning on getting my tongue pierced so I would be unable to speak. Then they tried for 10 minutes trying to convince me that I am not awkward because I wear cowboy boots to school and they don't know anybody in cowboy boots that are awkward... Yikes, these boys just haven't spent enough time with me. That and they are both really charismatic which means they could have a conversation with a rock and the rock would talk back and none of the conversation would be awkward.

My mom laughed at that story for like 5 minutes...

Happy Finals Week everyone. Finish strong! I believe in you.

I've been laughing all afternoon...

My brother is moving out tomorrow... well, he moves out officially tomorrow, he's already staying there tonight. Not really a huge deal, he warned me a number of months ago. He is breaking our agreement for the lease but that's another story.

So, he brought a buddy over to help him load his mattress today. We sat around talking for a little bit, loaded the mattress, not a big deal. At the end of their visit, our conversation stumbles across a path I did not know existed. My brother mentioned that he was moving out because I kicked him out. I did not recall ever doing such a thing which made him really defensive. "You kicked me out!" I asked him what I said and when. He was unable to answer that question and just kept replying that I kicked him out. He didn't say how or when or anything else besides he is moving out because I forced him to leave. I am thinking that he told that story to all of his friends and got mad because I called him out on it in front of another friend. They both proceeded to leave and left me all alone.

I was super mad. Like, super beyond angry. I don't know that I've ever been so mad at him or at a certain set of circumstances. So, I decided to be "productive." I pulled a Miranda Lambert (reference "Baggage Claim" and "Gunpowder and Lead" and really many of her songs to get an idea of what I was acting like). I started packing all of his stuff. Sure, he'll probably be mad and shocked tomorrow but hey, you want to tell people I'm kicking you out? Then fine! I will make sure that your belongings are ready to go first thing in the morning and you can leave me behind in a cloud of dust to figure out this mess you have now left me in. Now I have to find a roommate and pay YOUR rent that you agreed to pay when I signed the lease (because you were a minor at the time) but are now skipping out on. He said he would help with his part of the rent until the lease is up but I don't see that happening.

Needless to say, I went a little nuts. However, I finally understand why women (people) throw all of the boyfriend's/husband's things on the front lawn when they do something soooooooo stupid that it warrants them getting kicked out of their own house. I came pretty close to that myself but G-d didn't let me remember that people do that while I still had the energy to do anything. So, it's all just piled up in the living room.

I didn't even need a gun because sometimes that isn't as effective as going insane on someone and letting them sort through their own feelings. Just don't do us wrong though because we love with all that we are but when you cross us... Boy howdy you better be getting ready for WAR. I love him but this just took it too far. I feel like I have turned 73 cheeks to him to keep getting slapped. I think I have forgiven him and helped him even when he has done me wrong (thought I probably haven't done it right). But I am not going to be a doormat that he can use as the butt of every joke with his friends. I won't take his rumors quietly.What's more is that he wants me to meet his friends. That was before he informed me that he has been spreading rumors so that I now seem like some terrible, awful, evil, mean sister. I ain't meeting his friends just so that they can have dinner conversation about how I seem compared with Brother's account of me. That just ain't gonna happen!

The struggles of college and siblings...

More on the roommate front later. Actually, I hope to inform y'all about it tomorrow.

In Deep Trouble

Have I mentioned that my brother is moving out?

With this, I get the pleasure of scrambling around looking for a roommate in the next couple of months before he moves out with his buddies because his name is not on the lease, only mine is. We also know how well I did the last time I had to live with strangers. (If you don't, I'll tell you it got UGLY.)

Super.

Exercised Today!!!

I am trying to start exercising now that I have time and hardly anything to do... with the exception of the next three days where I'm working every hour that I'm awake and only going home to get a couple winks of sleep and maybe a bite to eat.

Normally, this plan does not bode well for me and nothing happens. This time, however, I'm starting well. Of course, it's hard to keep going until I have a routine and get past the daily soreness that is nearly debilitating. But I have worked out about 3 times in the past 4 days or so. Plus, I workout when I'm studying. I study until I can't handle it and get really unproductive (about 20-30 minutes, like clockwork). Then, I'm so bored that almost anything sounds more fun. So, I do my tricep dips with the coffee table, some pushups, crunches, bicycle crunches, squats, lunges, and some hip flexor/extensor things (as seen performed by Audrey in Pitch Perfect when she learned their group was moving onto Nationals). It's a pretty good, short work-out that still gets me sore enough to actually do something for my muscles.

Today, I tried a new work-out that I found on Pinterest. Oh man, it had me shaking so much! It's good for apartment living because unless you fall, you won't be making a lot/any noise for the people living below you. I bet I'll be really sore. I like that kind of sore. Unfortunately, I have to work tonight at my CNA job and I work a double tomorrow and a shift the following day... NOT good when I'm sore. Oh well, eventually I'll get stronger and smarter to know to not pick up anymore CNA shifts.

Frustrations of Rooming with Your Brother

This year, while at college, my brother and I decided to live in an apartment together. Wise idea? It seemed like it at the time, but it's turning out to be more difficult than I expected. We are constantly "stepping on each other's toes" because he is trying to figure out how to be an adult living on his own (away from parents) while I am further maturing from my year alone last year. Needless to say, he thinks I'm bossy and I find him to be showing signs of a VERY immature prefrontal cortex. He thinks he needs a motorcycle, he assumes that I don't need to be picked up at a certain time, he makes me late for class, he wouldn't listen to me about getting a schedule that is more condusive to my schedule because we are sharing a parking pass, and he is quite certain that he is right about everything and calls me condescending a lot. Yes, I have days where I think I'm right all the time, but it's because I am right. ;) If I'm wrong then I admit to it.

What brought this rage on today? I got to wait outside for him for over an hour even though I only have an hour to go home, eat a little something, then come back to school for BHA lab after grabbing my equipment and changing. What did he decide to do today? Go to the mall. He works there, so he went to go talk to his manager, but it's 20 minutes away (when there is no traffic). He texted me, during class, asking when I get out. I told him 12.

At 12:07, I get a text asking, "So you're going to the library to study right?" Where did he ever get that from?! I never told him that and he admitted  that I never told him that. I told him I needed to be picked up and he said he would be right there.

At 12:31 he texts me saying that he is just now leaving. Ya, I thought he already had. Remaining calm, I text him "ok." 12:56 he pulls up. I jump in and he says a quick, insincere sorry, and we rush off towards home.

1:07 I get into class. I'm late but today the instructor wasn't in lab because we were doing our midterms so she was in the sim lab with students. I was livid and flustered all during lab because of that nonsense. I didn't yell at him, though I wanted to. He asked if I was mad because I'm hardly ever stone-cold quiet, especially when I'm mad, but I just said, "Let's talk about it after I get home from class." That scared him. He said that made him nervous and it made the whole situation worse, I'm assuming it made him just feel worse because it didn't make him angry. Goal accomplished with that!

I think doing this quiet thing when I'm mad is going to be my new thing. I don't smile at jokes, I use short and bland responses, and I make the other person wait several hours for me to "cool off" before we discuss what happened and how to fix it. Sometimes it's just nice to scare someone so that they think twice before doing stupid things again. Yep, this will be my new thing.

Also, I got 100% on my midterm for BHA! Unfortunately, it only goes into the gradebook as a pass/fail... But it's nice to finally get a good grade (my first and likely last) in nursing school. I was so happy I almost hugged my professor. She probably would have been alright with that, but we stuck with a high-five instead. I think I'll frame it and possibly post a pic later.

While I was in the sim lab doing my midterm, my classmates took a hilarious photo of one of them giving birth!!! Gosh, I'm so sad I missed it because 1) it's hilarious, 2) I want a picture in my whites because I think they are adorable, 3) I just want to have fun but I always seem to miss it! Oh well, maybe another time?

Daily Thanksgiving: I didn't yell at my brother and I discovered a more effective way to scare him and get my point across. I got to wear my whites! I got 100% on something in nursing school. I made it through another day which is all I can hope for anymore. I got to go to the mall with my friend.

In other news, I don't think the St. John's Wort is helping or working. My overwhelming feelings of dread, anxiety, helplessness, and desire to quit everything and climb into a hole are slightly better, but it's still a battle every day. Maybe I'm getting burnt out? I don't know.

I went to the mall with my friend over the weekend to get our make-up done and to spend some time with her. It was nice to finally be able to talk to someone and tell them this new thing with me actually finding guys attractive and to be able to vent about how inconvenient it is. That didn't seem to help because then we just started talking about dream dates, what we think we need/want in guys, and how our past crushes didn't fit that. Also, I talked her through a friend break up. This is a bit of a long story, but this girl friend is the one who I was super close with last year. She and I were really close with the two guy friends (one of them liked me and she was crushing on the other one pretty hard.) So, she and the guy that liked me would talk about me and the guy she liked. Does this make sense so far? Anyway, the guys decided that they didn't want to hang out with her anymore recently, because they are being silly. So, she was trying to get to the bottom of it. They were being frightfully rude and hurtful, and the two guys "friend broke-up" with my girl friend. I am still friends with all three. Still, friend drama stresses me out like nobody's business!!!

I decided retail therapy would help me so I went and dropped $100 at Target getting things I "needed" and then buyer's remorse hit me like a semi when I walked in my door. Typical me. I need a stress outlet because I keep making foolish decisions and I'm constantly overwhelmed...

C'est la vie, non?

Bad Attention

Living in an apartment is a totally different experience than living in the dorms where most people are under the drinking age. Now, I'm not saying that just because those people are under-age meant that they weren't drinking, it just meant that they couldn't be as open about it as they can in apartments. I bring this up because there are some guys across our little lawn-like thing between the apartment buildings who were drunk and standing on their patio. The before mentioned patio over looks my kitchen window where I was doing dishes. They started calling out, "Hey girl!" and simple stuff like that for a few seconds before I walked away from the window to keep from laughing. I do not want this type of attention, especially because they were drunk (so bad I can smell them from 20 feet away if the wind blows just right) and they may not be guys of good moral standing if they are calling out to strange girls in the first place. I don't know them and I cannot judge their hearts, G-d has to do that, but it is not proper attention to be paying to a lady like myself.

Ladies, if a guy makes you feel beautiful, intelligent, and truly loved, pray about allowing G-d to reveal his true heart to you. If they only make you feel pretty because you are wearing skimpy clothes that are barely more than underwear, they don't allow you to exercise your G-d given brain, and they show you "love" by sleeping with you, then let me just suggest that you have a real heart-to-heart with G-d because that is not a man of integrity. They should not be whistling to girls walking by, checkin' them out, flirting, or focusing on other girls because that is a tell-tale sign of not such good things to come. He should be focused on getting to know you, understanding what you like/don't like, how to make you happy, sharing his life stories and preferences, and making sure that you are safe and that you both remain pure (in both mind and body). You should feel beautiful because G-d created you beautifully and wonderfully, not just because some guy says you're pretty. You should feel beautiful and not ashamed or cheap. Trust me, I have felt pretty because some boy was tellin' me I was and he complimented me in ways that made me so ashamed! You should not feel embarrassed, cheap, or sleazy in your relationship, if you do then there is something wrong and that needs to be addressed ASAP! He should compliment you like milk compliments cookies. He should admire who G-d created you to be including your passions, intelligence, personality, and everything. You likely won't agree on everything and there will be some things that you just don't understand about each other, but that's life. Make sure to live purely, righteously, and to walk in grace because we all fall short of the glory of G-d, but He is gracious and merciful.

Movie Birthday Night

After a long first week of college for my brother and I, we are kickin' back tonight. We rented some movies, got some ice cream (non-dairy for me) and some root beer and we plan to have a good night. Today, he turned 18 which means that my baby brother is now an adult! I still think of him as a kid because we still act like kids around each other. In fact, we are going to make a pillow fort in our living room (we live together in an off-campus apartment) and we plan to stay in our fort all of tomorrow while watching our movies and eating our root beer floats. It sounds like a pretty neat 18th birthday to me, but I didn't do much for my 18th. It seems like he wants to go out with friends to celebrate and maybe catch a movie in the theater and go out to dinner but he doesn't know enough people to do that yet and I'm sure he doesn't want to hang out with all of my friends.

This got me to thinkin': I wish I were more creative and thoughtful. Now, I am highly introspective, to a fault. I over-think things all the time and drive all of my friends and family crazy because it seems like I talk a lot, but that is only to myself because I never shut up in my head but I don't vocalize what I'm thinking very much. Anyway, I would like to be like those people that can actually do the Pinterest posts and make stuff super creative and nice looking. I would love to do special things for all of my family and friends on their birthdays, or for any celebration/pick-me-up that may be needed. Unfortunately, I have ideas to surprise them with, but nothing ever works out as planned, nor does anything ever look as good as Pinterest... I'm just not a creative person. I am a science and math brained type of person. I like to have an unknown and a set way to find it. I do not like creating something from nothing and I never have "brain-children". So, here I am, having a slumber party with brother for his 18th birthday party. Oy!

But, we made it through the first week of college though! That means that while the rest of the year will be filled with tons of work, we will be finished with it soon. Plus, next semester, I have clinicals to look forward to!!!