Apologies

So, I ended up apologizing to Jersey. I just sent her an email.

Now, I apologized with making no excuses.

I told her I was sorry about the timing and I apologized for my tone. I told her I feel like the conversation was important to have, but that I was overly-assertive in my tone.

I don't feel like it will be received well, but I'm working on my end to reverse some of the damage. This will not, by any means, allow the friendship to be fixed. I'm over that and I won't do it. However, I want her to know that I am not simply doing things to piss her off or cause her harm.

This might open up a whole new can of worms, but I'm trying to ignore my pride and admit when I fuck up.

Yep, it's a hard one and I'm going to reap some consequences, but I hope that she understands that I was not trying to hurt her, I just needed to be heard if she feels that she needs to be heard.

I'm not even hoping to be able to sleep well tonight.

Somebody, take me out of my misery.

2 Year Anniversary

Today marks the 2 year anniversary of Country Boy dying. Unfortunately, with him, I get a solid three days each year that I lose my sh!t because all three are anniversaries.

#1 - the last Sunday of Spring Break (that's when he died)

#2 - March 30 (that is the actual date that was the last Sunday of Spring Break)

#3 - April 11 (his birthday, just a week and some after my birthday)

He wasn't even 19. He just needed to find enough reason to live another two weeks and he couldn't find it.

I haven't been sleeping well this last week. Last night, I fell asleep at about 9:30 p.m., woke up every couple of hours, then woke up and couldn't fall back asleep at about 3 a.m. It's now 5:45 a.m. and I still shouldn't be getting woken up by my alarm clock until about 6:30...

Yesterday afternoon (March 29), Brother took me to the cemetery. I bought a small bottle of whiskey and shared it with Country Boy. His alcohol tolerance is much better than mine, which is good because I couldn't only handle about half of the tiny bottle and he got every other swig. We went yesterday because Brother has to work until late tonight and the cemetery is creepy at night and also in a sketchy part of town. I might go back and sit with him today, but it depends on how much energy I have after a full day of sim lab for peds.

Counselor says I'm doing well. I started making a binder with all of the handouts and exercises Counselor gave me. I'm hoping that when I move, I'll remember my binder on my Bad Days. She is probably one of the strongest, most bad ass women I think I've ever met. Yet, she still told me that she couldn't imagine how hard it must be to live knowing that my attackers are on the loose. It sucks, but I'm here and kicking. I'm barely going, but I'm not doing what Country Boy did to my family and friends. As much as I would love to no longer be here, I'm not going to be a trauma to those I love or even just know.

She made me feel strong. By Counselor telling me she couldn't imagine living in my shoes, after I've heard how strong she is, it made me feel like maybe I'm dong okay. People tell me I'm strong, but it just makes me feel weak when they say that. There are the pity eyes and that tone they say it with that break me down, especially on my weak days because those are days I can hardly breathe. So, when I feel weak, and people flat out say I'm strong, I don't believe them and I assume they're lying. For some reason, having her tell me I'm handling this sh!tty life, by myself (and G-d), and I'm still finishing school and plugging along, it was a boost. (*I apologize for the structure of that last sentence, I'm typing through tears, sleep deprived, mourning again, and otherwise struggling*)

I had an interview yesterday. They said it went really well but that I have to wait for the hiring manager's boss to get back to her to make sure I can be hired. I pray the L-rd lets me know what needs to happen. It would be nice to be able to start house shopping and planning for my post-graduation future, but the move to this particular location holds a few complications... I'll keep y'all posted though!

Well, I suppose I better go get ready for sim lab. I get out late this afternoon and then I'm headed to the bar with a couple friends. I don't know how today will go. The past week has been hell, but not as bad as last year. Last year, I survived the day. This year, it is uncertain but I will survive to the best of my ability. I look like sh!t though.

Sweetness Turned Bitter

This weekend was really eye-opening. It was a little bit crazy. My head is still spinning and my heart is a little bit broken. Let's explore why, shall we?

Friday I went on another date with the new fella. I was sick so we mainly just drove around town. He stopped and helped some people who had gotten their car stuck on a back-road but they weren't listening to his advice, even though he is a mechanic, and so we left. He was supposed to sign the papers for his house that day but they ended up pushing that back for the billionth time but he got the keys to his house. Oh, and Roommate's sugar glider died while she was babysitting. I found him dead when I got back from the date. I feel really bad because that is the second small animal that has died on my watch in the past few months. He was doing okay until I went to feed him and he was super lethargic so I think he might have had a really bad electrolyte imbalance or an infection of some sort.

Saturday he had to work in the morning so he swung by and picked me up after work. He helped me get the dead critter out of his cage and get him all comfy for burial. Then I cleaned up the cage and took it all with us out to Roommate's house (which is near his place). We drove out to his current place. I met his grandparents. They took us to lunch and then we went out and saw his new place. It's a really nice house and his grandparents are so adorable! Then he brought me back into town and we went to Brother's house so they could meet, the local feed/clothing store, the home improvement store to look at paint and appliances for his house. That was kinda funny because people kept asking me if I needed help but I'm not even the one buying the house or the appliances. I think they thought we were engaged or married because I had my purity rings on my left hand ring finger... He took me to dinner and we played pool for awhile. Then I had him take me home because I was exhausted and I wanted him to be able to have a decent chance at sleep. But I swung by brother's house so I could talk the day over with him real quick.

When he brought me to Roommate's mom's house to drop off the critter, New Fella was acting really weird. He told me that he had taken Roommate's cousin on a couple dates and didn't want to see her so I let him stay in the car. There was a family gathering in the house and the cousin was there. When I walked in I was getting death glares but I ignored them because I didn't think I had done anything wrong. Little did I know, New Fella started talking to me the same time he started talking to Roommate's cousin. He took her on a couple dates right before he started taking me on dates. He explained all of this in the car ride on the way back to town (45 minute drive) and all of the puzzle pieces started falling into place. He kept saying things to me on the first couple dates that were just off but I brushed them aside because he had been drinking the night we met. Turns out he was just confusing the two of us.

Oh, but it gets better! Right after he explains all of this to me, we go walking around the feed store. Guess who we run into in the store! Go ahead, guess! The cousin's mom. Guess who we parked next to... The cousin's mom and the cousin's dad was in the truck! Guess who just so happened to be driving the exact way we needed to be going to get to Brother's house... You're so smart, the same people! New Fella was flustered and super red all over. I thought it was funny at the time, but the more I think about it and talk with Roommate, the more it bugs me. Why was she so convinced the relationship was going so well that she called him her boyfriend after only a couple of dates? I know what it is like to be the other girl in this situation and I got so mad! You know who did it to me? If you've been reading and maybe keeping track with my roundabout thought process, you'll know that's what Country Boy did before I stopped talking to me and he died shortly after that. I don't need trouble with Roommate's family and his grandmother works with Roommate's mom at the town bank. I went to a dance New Year's Eve and I get dropped into a huge, dramatic ordeal after only talking with this boy for maybe three weeks. Is this the L-rd telling me it's a no-go? The L-rd already told me it wouldn't last and I prayed for signs for the New Fella (NF) because that's what NF goes off of instead of prayer and hearing from the L-rd.

Recap of why Saturday was rough: Sugar Glider died and I had to take it to Roommate's house to be buried. This uncovered huge drama with the cousin.

Today (Sunday) I slept in and then he came back into town to go to an antique store with his cousin and the cousin's girlfriend. It was pretty fun! But we were clicking so well and now something feels wrong. It all just feels wrong which sucks because it was going really well. It was easy to talk about liking each other. It was easy to hold hands and just chill. It was easy to share some of my secrets with him. We agree and give the same answers to so many questions that we ask each other to get to know each other. It was easy but it just feels heavy now.

I need to talk with him and explain my situation but I have a hard time bringing up these tough conversations. Things were getting good, we were meeting each others friends and families. We were discussing hypothetical children and fake weddings. I am currently helping him situate his house and get it decorated.

If this is the end I don't want to wait forever for another guy to come along. I have been praying for years, I have gone through some pretty heavy stuff to get to this point and I was so excited that I am happy. I am the traditional kind of happy because I finally met a guy that has a ton of things in common with me and we mesh so much better than Country Boy and I did. I finally felt cherished by a human guy and I just started to understand why people act funny when they find a significant other.

Even though I don't want to wait forever for another guy, I also don't know that this is completely right. It's hard feeling like I have something that I've wanted for so long dangled in front of my face only to have it snatched right back after only a couple of weeks. It's hard to know that I will have to blindly trust the L-rd to either bring me someone else or allow me to be single for another frickin' long season of life, it feels like this is my millionth long and tough season of trusting. I'm heavy with disappointment and yet I am still talking with New Fella as if everything were okay because I haven't gotten enough courage built up to bring up the hard stuff.

Can I rant again?

After several months of searching my town for a new and cheaper housing option with my new roommate, we came up empty. Instead,  we decided to stay at the apartment I had shared with my brother just so that we would have a place that was permanent.

I like this apartment but they jacked up the prices WAY too much! At first they wanted me to go from $845/month to $970/month. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?! Seriously, what makes them believe they are ever going to get that amount? That's just insane, especially considering that they were only going to charge $940 for a brand new renter to start a lease.

We waited a few months and looked around until they came down to $930 and I convinced them to let me sign for that new signers amount. I had called to renew and then they emailed me to confirm our conversation. That email got "lost" for a few weeks and they called me in a panic saying they were going to make me pay about $1080 a month if I didn't call back to tell them to renew the lease. Ridiculous. In that time, however, the price of my apartment dropped again by another $25-30.

I checked online to make sure and then I asked them in the email what the going rate was for at that time. They told me I would be able to renew @ $970 again. No, that's not happening. So I forwarded the email that confirmed my price without wanting to fight them anymore and realized right after I signed the lease that I should have called in (but I was camping and had no service in addition to it being a weekend after the office was already closed) and gotten them to give me the $905 it was being advertised for on their site.

Promptly after realizing that, I emailed them to ask why they didn't inform me of the actual price and gave me a grossly inflated price. That was about a week ago and they still have not replied.

Now I am just ridiculously angry and they are fixin' to get the gnarly end of a strongly worded phone call. Well, I say that but I can never be angry on the phone because I don't like to frustrate other people or hurt their feelings. But it is not okay to be taking advantage of people just because you assume they don't know any better than the information you give them!

I am so tired of people taking advantage of me. Praise the L-rd that He is teaching me how to stand up for myself while still being nice and considerate and not just a raging lunatic. The stress in my life was overwhelming before and now it is just absolutely unbearable. Summer is not supposed to be like this!!!

Pregnant and Coping

Guys, I think I'm pregnant. I've been nauseous, moody, and all sorts of discombobulated for the past couple of months. Except it's physically impossible for me to be expecting because I know how babies are made and I didn't do that. I don't even hold hands with boys... So maybe I'm just stressed?

Next week is finals. I am coping by laying on the couch with my favorite blanket and watching children's movies (today's viewing is Croods). It's a wonder I am allowed to live on my own and take care of other people's loved ones seeing as I act like a 3-year-old any time I get stressed, sad, or otherwise not happy or at least normal.

In other news, I taught my pall how to drive stick today. Let's name her Pretty Princess. So, PP is one of the other girls in my nursing program and we met last year through Best Friend in the dorms. She is hilarious and stupid gorgeous. Like, I'm jealous that she is so charismatic, thin, gorgeous, and smart. But, hey, I'm blessed that I met her and that we found Big Red on the first day because we make quite the trio. BR was also with us as we were practicing starting and stopping in the parking lot outside of our nursing school. Oh man, it was so hilarious! All three of us yelling jokes and names at each other and just having a good time with it. I needed this so bad and it was awesome therapy.

I got a little carried away with pictures so enjoy this never-ending stream of pictures/memes I found on Google!

Mom: My Matchmaker

Do any of you have moms, dads, family members, or friends who are always trying to set you up with someone?

I'm reminded of Gru in Despicable Me 2 because that blonde lady is constantly finding him ladies to date. She and the ladies she sets him up with are certifiably insane. They are just a bit cooky. Granted, it's a children's cartoon movie. However, people really do act like that...

Anywho, my mom knows how I despise being told that I need some boy so that I can be happy. She gets it. She is actually where I get my feminist streak from and I'm even a bit more feminist than she ever was. My immediate family (including mom) all understands and agrees that setting people up to date or get married is risky business because it can end very, very badly. When that happens, liability defaults to you because you introduced them and essentially screwed up their lives.

Today on the phone, my mom was consoling me about clinicals, my brother yelling at me, me seeing a deer get hit by a car, and the millions of other nonsensical things that are floating around in my noggin on a daily basis. During this point of assisting me to sort out life she began talking about her life, work, etc to try to distract me because tears were pouring and my voice went up about 7 octaves. We started talking about some family friends that she met at a bakery that they own. She began with the phrase, "Now, I'm not trying to set you up but..."

YOU NEVER START A CONVERSATION LIKE THIS.          EVER!!!

Got it? Good.

She continued on about how one of the sons is a lot like me. She said we both like the country, the mountains, shooting, fishing, camping, hunting (I have yet to go but think I would like to try it at least once), road trips, and a bunch of other stuff. He is described as being someone who is very dedicated to becoming an engineer. He is kind, a very hard worker, sweet, a good protector, and a plethora of other adjectives. I have met him. I agree that he is so very kind, sweet, dedicated, etc, etc, etc. Everything about him seems great and his family is amazing. Plus, he understands cars, restores old Volkswagens, and I think he is a Believer (though not likely Messianic). He sounds amazing and I bet he is a great friend.

The whole conversation, though, caught me off guard. I was telling her about the after shocks of my break up, and she pops this little bundle of anxiety into my lap without a second thought.

She knows how crazy I am because I share the most of my mental processes with her and yet she still proposes this kid as... a friend? potential suitor? something else?

I have no idea what possessed her to bring that up. She has never done anything like that in the past and she typically doesn't think like that anyway. It actually made me feel like a family shunned spinster because her tone made the conversation sound like it was an intervention to get me in a relationship before my biological clock runs out of time. Actually, it's making my head spin just a little bit thinking about it. I already broke Best Friend. How on earth am I ever supposed to start another relationship. Honestly, I don't like the whole dating thing and I'm certain I didn't even do it right the first time because it was really just a differently labeled friendship. Regardless, it has made me consider swearing off guys almost indefinitely. I was nearly nun status. Problem is: I am lonely, I would like offspring, and it would be super if I could find someone (preferably a guy close to my own age who isn't afraid to tell me to "suck it up" if I start to get a bit scare) to take me hunting that I feel safe with. Country Boy offered to take me but he's got a cabin and I've been told he does naughty stuff with girls.

For now, I am asking for strength and contentment in my single state. I didn't want a dating record at all, and now I have one. Regardless, I would like to avoid adding unnecessary names to that list because I break them and they break me and dating is really stupid, overrated, and has high stakes with no way of knowing what will happen.

Shiftin' Gears

I'm going to start with a confession. Several really, but the main one is that I like to shift really fast in my manual car when I am stressed. For some reason it helps me blow off some steam. I don't go fast enough that I get a "fast driving award" (my uncle's name for a speeding ticket), I just shift faster than all of the automatic cars next to me and I feel like a boss!

So, coming home from my parent's house yesterday, I was frustrated because I had been on the highway for about an hour in traffic, then I got stuck behind some joker who decided to go 10 mph under the speed limit and then just had to get off on MY exit. Yes, I know how selfish and irrational that is, but don't tell me you don't have them thoughts too! Anywho, we were then both turning left. Fortunately, there were two separate turning lanes. I get past them just to meet them again at another red light. L-rd, what are you doing to me? I'm just trying to get home so that I can change to get to church on time!!! As my blood started boiling at this silly red light, I crank up the tunes and get ready for green. When that green light came I was first through the intersection until some little blue car that looked like it was actually supposed to be able to go that fast passed me up. We were so far in front of anyone else that it didn't matter anymore and so I got up to speed and just kept driving as normal. Awhile later I needed into the lane they were in. I noticed that they slowed from their racing pace and the passenger was waving out of the moon roof. I figured they were waving at the car next to them, so I didn't think anything of it when they stuck their arm out the window and brought it back in about 4 times. When I got to my turn off, they slowed their car, got next to mine and rolled down the passenger window! Oh my gosh! I don't know what they were doing, but they were some cute guys and I'm hopin' they were surprised that it was a girl in a redneck lookin' SUV shiftin' as smooth and as quick as I was. I don't know about flirting in any capacity, but they way that guy was lookin' at me, I'm thinkin' he may have been flirt-waving at me... They may have also been waving at me because they beat me. I don't know.

Anyway, I am hoping it was the first reason because it made me feel pretty darn cool that my little car almost beat their actual racing car and then they realized that I'm a girl. I didn't wave back because I was so shocked, but I gave the guy riding shotgun a bit of a smile.

I can't believe I almost forgot to tell y'all that story!

Another confession is that it made me feel pretty good after my break up. This whole relationship has made me feel so unstable. I knew I have chronic depression, severe anxiety, and possibly some other psychological problems and I knew that that was something I would need to work on before I ever started anything with anyone, regardless of how well they knew me beforehand. Along with everything else that I ignored about a month and a half ago, I ignored that. So, when I was strapped into this roller-coaster with another human, I realized how nuts I actually am instead of being able to down-play it the way I normally do. Now that we've broken up, and even during our time "together," I was wondering if I would ever be able to have an actual relationship that leads to a marriage and the rest of my life spent with someone. I still don't know if that is possible, but I am still highly unnerved because I learned so much about myself and it's not good stuff. I never realized how selfish, unstable, weird, nerdy, selfish, quirky, difficult, selfish, lonely, independent, selfish, judgmental, hypocritical, selfish, and ridiculous I am. Yes, I threw selfish in there several times, but even that is a conservative estimate of how selfish I actually am. Those are also just the easy examples that come to mind right now, there is a laundry list of thousands of terrible personality traits I discovered about myself. It's been a rough month and a half. Good news, though, I was wondering if G-d had been telling me to get rid of my kissing policy, turns out He hasn't. So, I am so glad that I didn't do that in this relationship. He was just being quite to see what I would do... I don't like it when He does that...

"Don't you ever say that again."

I had another weird day. I was flustered, couldn't talk, and I was irritated but all for no reason. Then my brother got mad at me (because he's always mad at me now) and I suggested that he go live in the dorms next year. That didn't help the situation at all.

Amidst all of that craziness, I was trying to make myself some "dinner." Well, I made some toast, eggs, and sausage. Anyway, I go to put the egg in the pan to fry and this happens...

The shell made it into the pan while the yolk completely missed. How does that even happen?

I sent that picture to my mom with a caption of: "I'm so bad at life. :(" I meant it as a joke. She didn't take it as such.

Her reply: "I really don't want you to see (I think she meant hear) you say that again. You are given special life and I cherish u."

Then, I was choking back the tears, trying to clean this mess up and I feel kinda guilty now. I know that G-d gave me this life for a reason. He had to do so many miracles and He brought me here against many odds. However, I am screwing it all up! I wanted to be in nursing school soooooo bad, but now I'm nearly flunking two of my classes. At this point, there is a good chance I could get kicked out of nursing school. For real, I'm not just exaggerating here. I am so overwhelmed, so lonely, frustrated, burnt out, and crazed lately I don't know what I'm doing!

I keep wondering if G-d wants me here, but He wouldn't have let me get in if He didn't. Then I realize that I'm blowing this whole nursing school thing because I keep screwing around and not studying when I need to. That is why I'm getting bad grades. Still, I can't keep focused on what I need to do and then I get to panicking again.

I had a minor anxiety attack this afternoon because I'm over stressed. I think I am going to go get checked out for psych problems, but I don't even know what to say. Do I just call up and say, "Hey, I think I'm depressed. Can I get a psych consult?" That seems weird!

I did quite a bit of studying tonight, but it's not even close to being enough. This is just too much! I don't know what I'm doing! My teachers have given up on us and the semester went from bad to worse in a matter of weeks. This is the most hopeless I've felt in years. I'm drowning and have no lifeboat or flotation device anywhere. I can't handle this.

Goin' Out With My Boots On

Well, I went out last night, with my boots on. Unfortunately, they are not Western boots not work boots (like in the song). They were just plain, black boots. But I went out last night with a bunch of my friends from last year. We were celebrating one of their birthdays and so we all met at a brewery. No, none of us are old enough to drink, but they have really good food and they make their own cream soda and root beer which, I was told, is delicious. Normally, when I go out with a large group of friends, I sit at end, but not at the foot or head of the table. Last night I sat smack dab in the middle and had so much fun! I don't think I've laughed so hard in months. Plus, they understand me. They know my quirks, they get excited when I get excited about something I'm sharing, and they understand my weird story telling, and they love me anyway. They also know that I don't like gossiping so they refrain from in even though there was some drama last night between my guy friends and the girl that used to like one of them. I've told you about it. The girl showed up at dinner and the boys came and I was scared she hadn't gotten invited. Then I was scared that it would be awkward. I didn't feel the tension, but I may have just been so happy to see everyone I didn't pay attention. Whatever, we got through the night.

Long story short, I prayed for more friends. G-d gave me a night out with my old friends. I feel much better now.

Also, I have a Pharm test today. I've been studying here and there all week, but still don't think I've really gotten anywhere. Oy, this is frustrating. It seems like I do so much work, but then I don't know any of the material or drugs. Then I take the test and get bad grades but I don't know how to get better grades. I have to bring up my Pharm and Patho grades because I am scared I'm going to flunk out of this program in the first semester. I wouldn't be able to handle myself if I did.

Well, I had been feeling like I was finally getting this nursing school thing down, I don't anymore. I was thinking that my feelings of overwhelming, impending doom was barreling towards me were beginning to go away. They aren't, I had just misplaced them but have recently rediscovered that they have gotten stronger. My episodes of random "bad" days where nothing really goes wrong but it all feels bad, were subsiding. Those, too, have come back in full force. Ugh! How do I go on in school if I can hardly make it through each day? Should I go talk to my professors? Can/will they even help?

I guess I will go talk to them. Even if it doesn't help, at least I will go down fighting.

I still need more friends and more nights like last night.


In other news, I got to palpate edema in my friends legs because she had been standing all day (she is the friend I met in the dorms last year who is now in the nursing program with me. We're pretty tight now.) I also got to help our waitress who has an ear infection and my friends introduced me and the other nursing student as nursing students last night. It was a pretty proud moment even though I still don't "feel" like a student nurse. So, that was the cherry on top of last nights momentary bliss.

A Better Day

I've been going to the same church for about a month and a half now. I am really starting to enjoy it too. Still, I haven't plugged in and I don't really know anyone because 1) I'm shy, 2) I don't know how to make friends... 3) it's a large church. Last night they made an alter call for anyone who needed prayer. G-d laid it on my heart and I went up. He even showed me who to go to.

I went up and my problems just spilled out of my mouth as tears started streaming down my face. The lady I had been shown prayed with me and even invited me out for brunch this morning. G-d is really using this woman to help me tremendously. She has spoken over my life and G-d has reassured my heart. I know I will still have "bad days," but my current stretch of struggling has subsided. She has also given me some more resources and has given me ideas for new young adult groups both on campus and at the church. She also knows one of the teachers at my nursing school and she is going to get me in touch with her in case I need prayer at school or just to have someone else that I can get help with for nursing school. Furthermore, (I'm not a fan of that word, but it fit...) she told me how to get started in childcare at the church!!! Oh my goodness I miss my babies. I think I'm addicted to the oxytocin, but is that really a bad thing?

So, I feel much better. It's only been a day, so time will tell, but I have a devotional book and a new friend with daughters my age.

My brother introduced coffee with hazelnut creamer to me. Ya, that's a problem.

Off to work. I'll let you know how it goes. I am planning on talking to my manager about transferring or quitting today. It's a new development that occurred just this week at my meeting with my nursing school mentor (the other nursing student that is a year ahead of me in the program.) She told me that I seemed miserable and depressed at my CNA job. I knew that I disliked my job and that it stressed me out to no end, but I hadn't considered quitting until I talked to my mom. G-d has allowed for me to get extra loans so that I can financially be secure if I quit. So, I discussed it with my mom and my dad and I know that I can't take much more of this nonsense at work, so I think I'm just going to quit. Then, I'll have more time to study, my cortisol (stress hormone) levels will hopefully decrease, and maybe I can even get better grades. I really want to get A's this semester, but that's going to take a miracle, even with my decreased work load.


BTW, I drank two cups of coffee with that delicious creamer and it's making me need to pee every 5 minutes. Those 2 cups were a bad idea because this is super inconvenient... Forgive me for the TMI but my brother is gone and I and hopped up on coffee with no one to talk to. (I know that doesn't make the most sense grammatically, but my brain is kinda going nuts right now.)

Do I whine too much?

After a short, but ridiculously stressful day, I came home to study. I am worked up over stress at school and after lunch with a friend, I am frustrated with life. My brother (whom I live with) asked me what was wrong so I rattled off my "problems." At the end I realized that I do a whole lot of complaining. I mention this and he agreed. I don't understand the difference between venting, whining, and complaining. For most of my problems, I have solutions and work to make the situation better. More increasingly, however, is the number of problems I encounter with no solution, I just have to suck it up and deal with it. How do I stop complaining/whining/stressing about things that I cannot change and that really don't matter? Should I learn to cope with them myself or is it actually helping me to talk it out with people? I don't know what to do. So, do you guys think I whine too much? Be honest, I'm stronger than I seem on here. Actually, this is the one place where I am almost completely honest about the inner-workings of myself (except when HIPAA needs to be protected/enforced... not really sure how to word that... I am HIPAA compliant).

Short Story

Okay, I know I'm ridiculously wordy and I think that is because I don't know what info to include in stories and what to leave out. So, I am going to try to make this a short post/story today. Ready?

My week: Pop quiz in Patho and in BHA. Got 50% on Patho pop quiz and 20% on BHA's. Pharm test and Patho quiz due today, both online. Study for 3 days. Pharm test completed with at least 6 wrong (more to be graded by prof.), lowest figured grade is C. Patho quiz = 19/30. I QUIT!!! What was I thinking?

C'est la vie...

I woke up and the day started like a normal day for me. Got ready and was fixin' to head out the door with my brother when he realized he couldn't find his wallet. We looked around for a bit but still could not find it so we decided I should drive. At this point, we are approximately 5-10 minutes behind schedule. I drop him off and as I am driving to my part of campus, I get pulled over.

"Ma'am, do you know what the campus speed limit is?"

"No, sir, I do not"

"It's 15 and you were going 25 when I clocked you. License, registration, and proof of insurance please."

Awesome! My first speeding ticket, I'm already late, and now I can't even find the car's registration because my brother is a pack rat and puts everything in weird places. It's only 9:30 and my day already sucks!

"Ma'am, I'll let you off with a warning because we haven't had to pull you over before but just know that for going 10 mph over the speed limit, your ticket would have been $100"

"I'm so sorry officer, thank you very much"

I walk into class 15 minutes late to find that there was an unannounced quiz. I go up to talk to the teacher who just says "sorry." I got back to my seat and wait for lecture to begin while trying to hold back the tears. With me, it has to be really bad for me to start tearing up in class, but I never cry if I can help it. Fortunately, I didn't cry. All through class, my brother had been texting me. I had turned my phone on silent so I didn't hear anything at all. I check my phone over our short break and 5 new texts and a phone call all from my brother. I wanted to explain what had happened so that he would realize that his problem of having to wait 2 hours was not as bad as all of my angering tragedies, but I didn't. Instead, I stayed calm, texted him to wait until my class was over and then I would take him home. He replied snottily and I felt like going off on him, but I remained calm still.

Class is over, so I head outside. I find my brother in the backseat because he had a bad day too.  His bad day merely consisted of getting a 70% on a quiz, having to walk down to my part of campus, and then sitting in a hot car even though he definitely could have gone inside to where it is air conditioned. Guys, I STILL didn't go off on him! I calmly explained my morning: being late, getting pulled over, and getting a 0 on a quiz I didn't know we had because he would not just leave when I asked him to.

After lunch, I needed to pick up a penlight for my next class which is BHA lab. I left the house underestimating how long it would take to secure such an item. By this time I was 5 minutes late and I didn't have the parking pass that my brother and I share because I forgot it! So, I go to metered parking but I don't have any quarters. I drive around 3-4 times looking for a parking spot in the neighborhood close to the school and finally find one. A brisk walk up a large hill with flip-flops and I make it to lab sweating, out of breath, and 15 minutes late. Oy vey! I almost just didn't even go because I was so angry and frantic.

My professor for lab just happens to be the professor I have for the lecture I went to earlier in the day. She came over to me, and my heart started pumping so hard and fast. She leaned over and whispered, "You can come into my office tomorrow and retake that quiz." Let me tell you, those were such sweet words along with the cop just letting me off with a warning. I wasn't even worried about the quiz anymore, I didn't care at that point because it was already definitive for me, I missed the quiz and I'll just take a zero. I was also sure that I was going to get a ticket today. Instead, G-d had different plans for me with both of those. He gave the cop and my professor grace for me and allowed my day to be awful, but completely within His control. It was definitely a lesson in time management, anger, forgiveness, grace, and trust.

I would really like to go to bed now because I'm exhausted from having such a stressful day, but I have a million things due tomorrow so I had better get to work. C'est la vie, non? (FYI: "non" is how you spell and say "no" in French, it is pronounced just like our "no")

I'm a Traitor

I got a flu shot. I know, I'm disappointed in me too. After fighting so hard to get a CNA job that allowed the exemption, I buckled so that I wouldn't have to fight so hard through nursing school. I'm praying that nothing bad happens to me because I know that statistically, nothing bad should happen. Still, I worry about that small little list of people that are poorly affected by this stupid waste of money will have my name under it. Yes, I did say that the shot is stupid and I am very upset that I got it. Please forgive me for stepping on toes and for being ignorant, but I do not believe that this vaccine should be mandatory. I have a million reasons as to why I believe we should not be pinned down and forced to take this shot, but it won't do any good. Everyone already has their sides and I just happen to be on the side that scientists call ignorance. I accept this title, in this case, because it means that I am actually thinking for myself instead of just trusting what all the "experts" say about it. I am "ignorant" because I refuse to accept all of the biased information that they put out.

When getting the vaccine, however, I started talking to the lady that was doing all my paperwork, and she happened to be in the nursing program at another nearby college. She was asking me why I don't get it normally and I beat around the bush because I didn't know her stance. It turns out, she is against it too! Unfortunately for me, she has a medical excuse because she has someone in her house that is often hospitalized when they get any kind of infection, so she doesn't have to get the flu shot. The nurse practitioner I talked to is also against it and his wife just happens to teach at a nearby nursing school. Funny huh? I just don't understand why we let hospitals push us around. If all of the people that are against the vaccines would just stand up for what they believe in, together we could reform the healthcare system to actually help us instead of allowing them to bully us around every corner. People, why will you not just stand with me and be radical? Look who's talking though... the girl who was too lazy to fight with each of her clinical sites to be flu vaccine free. I understand vaccines save lives, they are typically safe, they have eradicated many diseases, blah, blah, blah. I am just not okay with their vaccine happy, shove it down your throat or you can't function in America as a normal part of society deal they have goin' on. I especially don't like having to get a flu shot that protects against 3-4 strains of the flu when there are hundreds or thousands constantly mutating. I know it is designed to protect against the "worst" ones predicted to hit the U.S. in any given flu season, but what is a measly 3-4 strain vaccine really going to protect you from?

Whatever, the NP was cool and the PCT (patient care tech) was cool about it. I wish I could have gotten a medical exemption signed by him, but he doesn't want to lie and I don't either. So, now I am trusting the L-rd to keep me protected from whatever toxins they had loaded up into that evil syringe, and I pray for peace because right now I am switching from pure anger to near tears every 5 minutes or so. Also (though this likely won't help much, if at all), I loaded up on vitamins, colloidal silver, and EmergenC. Yes, I am slightly scared of the symptoms that may come about. This happened with my Tdap vaccine the other day too but my mom was here so I couldn't even keep my tears at bay for very long. Why do I regress into childhood when my mom's around? I fought so hard to be an adult when I lived at home but now I get around my parents and it's like I'm 3 again. I lay with my head in her lap and I am constantly giving my parents hugs, kisses (on the cheek, of course), and acting like a little child. I need to work on that...

In the mean time, I wish I were 21 because I need a beer. I know! How dare I condone alcohol!?! Well, I don't drink underage (except for about an ounce for religious ceremonies and my parents are always there for that 1 sip), Yeshua drank wine, and I'm not planning on ever getting plastered. For some reason, however, I've been craving a beer. Why? I have no clue. I'm probably not even really craving a beer, I likely just need a stress outlet because I am way worked up. I just need G-d. He's the only One that can take away my stress, my anxiety, my unrighteous anger, my fear of life, and my worries about the future. He is the only One who holds my heart, knows all my thoughts, and can calm me down. Let me tell you, I'm struggling right now, and not even just with the flu vaccine. Life kinda is kickin' me lately and I feel very alone.

Daily Thanksgiving: Now I am able to be hired by the hospital that hired me the first time because I'm now a sell-out and caved into getting the dumb flu vaccine. I have a G-d who is bigger than the American health system, bigger than vaccines, and He created me so I know that He can protect me from anything. Today is done and tomorrow is a new day. One of the little girls that I babysit emailed me today asking when they would get to see me again. That lifted my spirit. The L-rd truly knows how to make me feel just a little bit grounded just in the nick of time.



These are my real-life, totally legit, and completely real struggles of life. This is what goes on in my brain constantly.

Incredible Words of Encouragement

I went out to dinner the other night with a dear friend and my mentor. She also just happens to be the lady that I babysit for. My goodness she is such a blessing!

She takes time out of her ridiculously busy schedule to ask me to dinner and sit talking with me for 2 hours. Not to mention, the drive to come to this dinner is 30 minutes from her home. Never have I really had someone speak over my life like she has. She encourages me, makes me cry with her kindness, and lets me know when I'm being silly and need to not do something. For someone who does not trust easily, I very much trust her (as much as I can trust a person) and I feel I would do anything for her. In fact, I almost postponed going to college so that I could stay at her house and help her with her 4 amazing kids through a very difficult journey for their family. If you don't have someone like this in your life, you need to start praying for them now! G-d speaks straight to my heart through her so much I can't even tell you. I don't even mention things in my life and somehow He tells her and she brings it up and talks me through it. She is my mentor, a very dear friend and someone I aspire to be like when I grow up.

Something she has recently brought to my attention is the fact that I don't trust anyone/anything, I worry (even more than I thought, surprising, I know!), and I am at my best when I am serving (as observed by others, not just me).

The trust thing was new for me. It encompasses why I refuse the flu shot. I don't trust that this silly vaccine, that comes out every year, is supposed to do me any good. In fact, there is some data suggesting that it is actually harmful. So, what's the truth? I don't want to get it, but my G-d is bigger than anyone trying to harm me, so if it is required, is it worth it to just get the stupid shot? If it is meant for harm, G-d can make it completely unharmful. Even knowing this, is it okay to submit and accept the vaccine just to get a different job in a hospital? I would only do it until I can move somewhere else that is still allowing us to make our decisions freely and not bullying us into injecting toxins and "inactive" viruses into our arms or snuffing said "inactive" viruses up our nose in the name of health. This is America after all, but less and less is able to be up to us... Still, I understand that I chose this profession and that means possibly accepting all of the terms of the job, including this flu shot. I'm still at a fork in this road. I have no clue what to do because I hate to back down after fighting so hard to not get the shot. Not because of pride, just because I don't trust that this vaccine is in my best interest. More on this later...

In other news, school starts in a week and this week is packed for me! I work 7 shifts (3 doubles and an evening shift) at my CNA job and I also begin my new IT job on campus this week. I also have to order books and pray that they come in before I have to start my classes because I was thinking I would get my financial aid refund check this last Friday but that didn't happen... So, I'm freaking out about rent, books, and the millions of other things I have to do this week to get ready for this next crazy semester of school.

Popcorn?

I just got invited to go to the movies... by a boy... I have to pick the movie, but this is proving to be a slight dilemma.

Tomorrow I work with my girls so I will talk it over with them a bit.

I'll let you guys know what happens.

Still feel free to give some input. Please, feel free.

I GOT INTERNET!!!

So, it turns out that the modem was up at the front desk of my apartment complex since July 4th and it's now July 12... Now I know that when the front desk signs for a package, they don't notify you that it's come. That's really good to know.

Anyway, let's get down to the juicy news.

Haha, there is none. Come on folks, let's face it, I never really have anything "juicy" going on in my life.

Outline for today's post as promised:

1) My rant about boys... They have been driving me nuts, but I still love them. My country boy, when I had originally posted this, had not texted me for about a week and a half after I told him I wasn't going to date anyone right now. I guess it's not really the fault of boys though, for the most part, it just drives me insane that I find myself thinking about them so much. I beat myself up wondering what I had done to cause him to stop texting me for so long. Then I considered breaking my promise to G-d about not dating for awhile. By breaking the promise to G-d, I would have been breaking the promise to my future husband too. I almost considered kissing this boy! Why? I don't know. I think it's probably hormones which makes me mad because I should be able to control my thoughts, but I didn't feel in control during that whole ordeal. He finally texted me a few nights ago. Then I texted him the next night and we had a short little conversation both times, but he doesn't seem interested anymore. That is totally okay though because I don't think that 1) we were meant for each other, 2) that dating him would have been a good idea. I thought he was cute, interesting, fun, etc, but my friend (that had grown up with him) discouraged me from even going down that path. I figure she knows better than I do.

Also, boys keep using the same lines with me. It may be a different boy, but they all say the same words! I know that they are lying so why do they try it? "I think you are gorgeous and the most intelligent girl I have ever met, blah, blah, blah." Seriously? I own mirrors, first of all. Secondly, you've talked to me for a total of 15 seconds and you think I'm the most intelligent girl you've ever talked to? I am smart and I am made beautifully (as we all are) by G-d, but don't try to flatter me by stretching the truth so that we both know that you're lying. Come on!

2) My future blind-date... So, the girls at work started asking (completely randomly) if I had a boyfriend. I said no. They asked why. I told them that boys are silly (I did not even get into the whole situation mentioned above or the millions of other things that have happened to me that prove this statement). One of the girls just happens to have a brother who is 22 and he isn't dating anyone either. Naturally this means that the both of us need to get hitched and start breeding like rabbits, right? Now they are convinced that we belong together and that we really are going to get married. In this hypothetical life they have created, the only part that I agree with is the fact that our first date would be at a gun range. I don't agree with the person I would be going with or anything else besides that, but a date at the gun range would be fun!

3) A description of my new apartment... It's amazing! Everything I wanted, minus the price. It's a little bit more than I had originally wanted to spend each month, but I have a washer/dryer in my apartment! I have a fire place and my brother and I both have our own bathrooms! So no fighting over the mirror in the mornings.

4) I keep having dreams about being pregnant and about boys... This one was probably stemming from my country boy problems, but it has since subsided. It was driving me crazy though because I was trying to stop thinking about him, but then I started having dreams about being pregnant and married and dating/marrying him. Unfortunately, I now really want to get married really soon and I think I would love to be pregnant (after I'm married, of course). So, now I am struggling with these thoughts.

5) Random people keep asking me if I'm dating, including residents!... Why? It's like I had a sign on my forehead asking people to ask me if I am dating/marrying someone. Good grief! Even residents (not just one, several) asked me what my future husband looked like, where my boyfriend is, etc. Maybe G-d is trying to tell me something? I don't know. Whatever is happening though should definitely stop because I'm getting confused and antsy waiting for him. Trust me! I just found out cute boys sometimes think I'm cute too, so now I have a hope in my head that I will get married and I want to be married already!



Remind me to tell y'all about the funny things my residents have been saying lately though! My goodness, I've gotten some gems these past few days of work.

Daily Thanksgiving: G-d has provided an apartment, gotten my brother into college (right after we had already signed for the apartment even though we didn't know if he would come down with me or not), provided internet, and He got me an 86% on my latest micro test!!! Plus, He has shown me that the attraction I feel towards some boys is not entirely one-sided. In fact, more boys like me than just the ones I like and think are cute. This is dangerous for me because I'm starting to daydream about my future husband, but it's giving me hope that I will be a wife eventually, and maybe even a mom!

This May Be a Book

No, I'm not writing a book on purpose, but this post may be really long because I have had so much going on lately so I will write a shorter version and expound below for those who would rather not read my latest novel...

1) I got an apartment in an interesting complex because of my new/previous neighbors... It's good though.

2) Work is getting better.

3) My brother finally got into my university so he will be moving down with me.

4) My mom wants to move me in on Sunday, but I will be working until 3 so I don't know how that will go.

5) I was going to go see my kids (the children I babysit), but the little boy got sick. I really wanted to see them, but I'm behind in school so maybe G-d just wanted me to stay home a study a little more today.

6) Another boy asked me out...

Explainations:

1) Now, apartment shopping did not go as planned. My mom followed me down to the town my university is in (about an hour - an hour and a half drive) so that we could go look at some apartments in hopes of signing a lease and getting moved in soon. We went to one complex I had seen online and she did not like it at all. So then I took her to another complex that I really liked, she didn't. So, we went driving and exploring and found a few more. One was way too expensive and the other she loved. Turns out that the one she really likes is the one that my guy friends are moving into also! This is good because I will have them and my brother in case anything ever happens. This may not be so good because I am now in nursing school and the guys all like to hang out a lot. I have no time. Since time is such a difficult thing for me to come by, but they seem to have loads of time on their hands, I end up feeling like a bad guy for having to say no all the time because they don't like being told that I cannot do anything ever because I am bound and determined to get really good grades and become a nurse at some point, hopefully in the near future. Only G-d knows how this will end up working out. Until then, I am just relieved I got an apartment.


Since I explained that, let's talk about how nice it is! It feels really small. It's only 900-somethin' square feet, but it's better than the ones I had originally liked. It comes with a washer and dryer for no additional cost... inside of the apartment! So, I will not have to use laundry facilities because I have it in my apartment. My brother and I both have our own rooms and our own bathrooms. This will be so nice for getting ready in the morning because we will be riding together each day to save money on parking passes. We have a fireplace and a porch. We have a kitchen with plenty of counter space for making challah. Our dining room area is a lot bigger than I had expected and the living room is a decent size. So, even though it feels small now, once we put our furniture in, it will likely start to feel homier and it will be very good. Plus, it's on the second (top) floor. It is on the corner of a building and it's the very last building of the complex. So, we have tons of parking, no one banging on the floor above us, only one person directly next to us, and we have a view of the mountains. Praise the L-rd! He answered all of my requests in addition to providing me an apartment and money to pay the rent! It would have been sufficient to just let us have an apartment that I can afford, but He threw in all the things I wanted and lots of things I didn't even now I wanted!

2) Do y'all remember how miserable I used to be at work? Did I ever tell you about it? That was more of a rhetorical question because I can't remember and I'm talking to myself and then writing it down... Anywho, I used to hate work because I am slow, never know what I'm doing, and I felt like a failure most of the time because I would make the other CNA's get behind. Plus, I don't ever really feel like anyone likes me, so that played into my dislike of work a lot too. For the past month or so, however, I have been working a little more than full time hours and I have been making lots of money for my apartment. Since I'm working so much, I am getting a little faster and I made friends! I think they may actually agree that we are friends too because I'm not always the one to instigate the conversations, they come and talk to me just to see how life is really going. Then, they even share their life happenings, many of which are hard and require trust in order to tell me their situations.  So, I now don't mind work so much and I don't feel like a failure at work as often! This may sound odd, but it's good news.

3) He found out yesterday! I was wondering if he would actually get in because it is so close to the time when I need to move down there and he needs to get classes and he wasn't sure if he would be able to come with me. But, right after we signed the lease and he went back up to our hometown (he came down with my mom yesterday to look at apartments), he called the school and they told him he got in! Now I don't have to find a new roommate and I will get to live with my best friend, my brother. He drives me nuts, we drive each other nuts, but we also know how to live to together and we are actually pretty good together. Plus, it will be safer living with him than it would be if I were to live with another girl.

4) This is just a case of my parents loving me so much that they want to rush me into my apartment so that I don't have to drive an hour and a half both ways every day while I live at home. I left my friends house for a little while because I am homesick and I did something very stupid which is still a sore subject. I will tell you guys all about it another day though, once the sting has worn off. So, hopefully I can find a replacement for Sunday so that I don't have to miss moving into my apartment and so that my family doesn't have to do it all themselves because that's not fair for them!

5) This one is self-explanatory really. I haven't seen these kids in a really long time, since my birthday in the beginning of April actually, so I was going to go see them today. Unfortunately, the little boy puked, so his mom texted me and told me I could come if I wanted to, but she would understand if I didn't want to. I think this is actually a blessing in disguise. I feel so bad that he is not feeling well, especially because he is a toddler and toddlers do not take illness well. On the other hand, it is really good because I was stressing out about school because I am a bit behind of where I should be right now. So, now I will get caught up and I can go see them another time real soon. We may even be able to go to the pool instead of me having to leave early from the visit because I have to go to school the same day.

6) Now, this totally blindsided me and it's kind of a long story so hang with me. The girl I was staying with lives in a forest in the town I go to university in. There was a fire near her house and her and her mom were evacuated from their house which means I got evacuated too. We went and stayed at their friends house. At this house, the son had the whole basement to himself. He has a little living room with couches, a bathroom and his bed. So the three of us crashed in his basement while he went and stayed at his grandparents house because they were out of town anyway. I stayed there 4 days without ever meeting him, even though I was sleeping in his bed, using his bathroom, and getting to know his mom. He would come over for dinner every day, but I was working late and he always left before I arrived at his house so our paths never crossed. One day, I didn't have to work late so I actually ate dinner with them. We were all sitting in the living room eating because we were glued to the t.v. and all of a sudden they lifted the evacuation zone so that we could get back in! He and his friend (who also lives at their house) came with us to help us move back in and to make sure everything was safe. Then he texted my friend and asked her for my number. That was such a surprise. I thought he was cute, but since I'm refusing to date my other guy friend, I knew nothing could happen. Plus, I was certain that he did not like me back because I am just not the kind of girl guys typically ask out randomly. So she told me the whole situation, asked if she could give him my number and then he started texting me. We had only talked for a couple hours while we were waiting for the barricades to be lifted and I was so shocked when she told me the whole story.

So, he and I started texting for a couple days, just getting to know each other. He asked if I had a boyfriend and also asked what I look for in a guy. Haha, this poor kid doesn't know me at all! I kept it friendly and told him I don't know what I look for in a guy because I'm waiting for G-d to show me who I'm supposed to be with. Then he asked my friend and I to the movies with him and his friend. I declined because us girls do not have free time and we are not looking to date. He kept it friendly for a couple more days, then he asked me to dinner. Ahhhhhh! I don't know what to do with that. I've never been on a real date and that sounds like it's pretty close to a real date. I told him I couldn't but offered to go to coffee instead. He accepted and we talked for a solid hour and a half, but it only felt like 10 minutes.

I have yet to tell him that I'm not looking to get a boyfriend and I don't think he will like my boundaries if we ever were anything more than friends because we have very different morals. Those differences though will probably keep me from allowing this to become more than friends though.

But, he like muddin', hunting, fishing, working on engines, racing, and so many other things that I find so much fun! He is very masculine with dark hair, dark eyes, a souped up truck, and he is kind of a country boy that is stuck living in the city. He wants to be an EMT but he already has an Associate's degree in diesel mechanics and he is really smart. I have a think for country boys with souped up trucks and dark eyes... This doesn't seem like it can work though because he is Catholic, which is good because he is a believer, but our beliefs are very different. So, maybe G-d wants us to get married down the road, but for right now it seems like I am getting a "no-go" from the L-rd as far as dating is concerned.

After we went to coffee though, he hasn't texted me. It's been two days... I always wondered why it was such a big deal of who texts first after a "date" (I don't really consider this coffee meeting an actual date). I'm starting to understand it a little more though. If I text him, then I am not sure if he really likes me or not. If he texts me, then he may think that I am not interested in putting in the effort to text him. In my opinion, the guy should be in control. He should text/call first after a date. He needs to show the girl that he is interested in her and she has to be responsible to tell the guy that she is/isn't interested in furthering the relationship with him. I'm super traditional and old-fashioned though.

So, I am flattered that he thought I was cute and worth while because I still see myself as the chubby kid in class that thought she was ugly because she always hung out with really pretty girls who got asked out (since first or second grade on). Also, he thought I was attractive when I thought he was attractive too. I had a little crush on him from the time he went home that night from helping us back in all through work the next day but I doubted that anything would come of it because I was a mess, I said stupid things, and I'm not one of those pretty girls that guys usually ask out. I know that I am beautifully made, and very intricately designed, but I have a hard time believing that guys thing I'm pretty. This boy told my friend he thought I was gorgeous. That's a flat out lie and probably a line to get her to give him my number. Whatever, I had a small dose of confidence for a few days, especially since he said I was gorgeous even though my hair was up and a total wreck, my face was breaking out, and I was stressed because of work, school, and being homeless from the evacuation (their house is fine, I just felt homeless because I was displaced from living with my friend and it felt like I was living out of my car).

Now, I also feel guilty for even going to coffee with this guy because I have another guy that has a thing for me. I was not made for anything like this, I am not used to it, and I do not know how people even try to date two people at one time. I'm not even dating either one of them but I feels like I am in two separate relationships.

End of story for now.

Fire Danger

I am so sorry i have not posted lately, there have been fires in my state and the friends i am living with got evacuated. since they were evacuated, i am too. i am writing this post with my phone and it's not going so well. anyway, more to come soon, i just have to find a library so i can use my computer.

On the One Hand...

Today was my scheduled day to take the HESI-A2 test. Sounds super fun doesn't it?! I show up, nervous, because my commute time was doubled due to ridiculous amounts of traffic. Regardless, G-d got me to the testing center on time. I checked in, sat down and waited. Waiting, waiting, waiting. 45 minutes go by, then they call me into the office to be interrogated and scanned for knives, cheating devices and other such paraphernalia. The gentleman goes into the testing room to get my test brought up on the computer, but it won't come up so he issues me back into the interrogation room and out into the waiting room. 45 minutes longer and I am reassured that they are calling the help desks to fix it and I am offered a chance to reschedule for free. I call the number they gave me and stay on the phone for a solid 25 minutes trying to get everything figured out to reschedule only to find out that I will have to wait another 2-3 days to learn when I can reschedule to. I also learn that one girl had to wait 4 hours to see if the test would come up but it never did for her. But for two other girls that came that same day, the test worked just fine. I guess this problem is occurring across the nation with this one particular test which is really unfortunate because the window that I had to take the test is quickly coming to a close and I may not get into nursing school if I can't take this test before the end of that eligibility window...

Now, that was the down hand of my story. Let me tell you about the upper hand of this whole ordeal.

I was super nervous this morning because I have not been studying like I had needed to and every time I took a practice test I would get 70%-89%. I need a 94%. So, I was praying that G-d would grant me favor with this test. I was kicking myself (when I was waiting the first 45 minutes) for not studying more and for not doing just one more practice test. Now, I have a few extra days to study! I can take a bunch more practice tests and I can continue to build my English skills for the HESI because that will likely be the portion I have the hardest time with.

So, on the one hand it was slightly frustrating. On the other hand, I know that G-d is working. He has allowed me more time to study and, L-rd willing, He will allow me to get into the nursing program for Fall 2013 at my current university. I will keep y'all updated.