An F!

Guys, I got my first F... EVER! It was on a chem quiz, which will be dropped, but it is still disheartening to discover I got 11/20 on a quiz.

Now, do y'all ever have those days where one bad thing sets off other bad things? Or one bad thing causes a sad/bad day so everything seems to go wrong because you are thinking of everything in a  half-empty kinda way? Ya, this was one of those days. A&P was alright, English was okay (we just got like a million assignments though), then I donated platelets. Those things were all just okay. Then I go to A&P lab, which set off my sadness again. In reality, it is more of a frustration that I have gotten so many bad grades, which leads to a fear of how I will do on my next two A&P tests (both on Tuesday, by the way). I have been told that we make our own grades depending on how hard we work, and I agree with that. It does not keep me from worrying though because I seem to be in a really bad way when it comes to studying lately. Worrying causes me to think about all the verses telling me to not worry, but that does not stop me from freaking out either. After lab I called my mom and nearly lost it. I was crying on my end, which I do not like to do, but I do not think she knew that. Now, I am sitting here on my bed wondering if my latest difficult season is because my depression is coming back for another season. Then I figure I can't be depressed if I know I'm depressed, but I am not sure that is sound logic...

I just need some oxytocin. Just a little hug or something! I have heard smiling releases endorphins so I have been smiling and laughing a lot with my friends, but that just seems to defer the sadness that comes swooping in the moment I am alone. Then I think I am just being negative so I start thinking of my thanksgivings. That tends to help because pretty soon I am asleep. Bringing one more day to a close just causes another to begin again, restarting the cycle again. I don't know what to do. Okay, I just thought about it. I will pray and ask the Creator of me, Ad-nai, to restore my brokenness. I want to tell one of my friends, but this is something I need G-d to do. Perhaps this sad season is because He is drawing me back to Himself by allowing me to know the hurt when He is not the center of my life.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am thankful that I found a platelet donation place near to campus at the hospital I want to work at. Through today's donation, G-d has provided me with a lot of information about possible employment there. I am thankful for my mom answering my phone calls (I call her a lot!), and for my family's support. I am also very grateful that my brother talked to me on the phone today and was so very kind. Lately, it seemed as though a big rift was beginning to form between us because he does not like me and would not let me "in". Today's phone call was refreshing because I got to experience the brother I remember and not the one who is very, very upset with me.