Shameful Secrets

I regret to inform you guys that I like a Justin Bieber song... I swear, I listen to country and christian most times but I was hanging out at my Brother's job and he put on a song called "Love Yourself". I fell in love with the song because it's a decent message and reminded me of the break up with exfiance. I asked Brother who it was by and he dropped the news like the world was ending because he knew I would be upset by it. Regardless, it's a pretty solid song and I've listened to it about 900 times today.

I was helping Roomie cook supper and started playing it. When I play it then I feel the need to sing or hum along. I thought I was really being quiet but she said I have a good singing voice and it made me so happy! She teaches piano, knows how to sing on key (which I absolutely do not) and she learned guitar but doesn't like it because it hurts her fingers. I happen to like calluses on my fingers and so I'm still aspiring to learn piano and guitar and then maybe convince myself to get some singing lessons with someone... someday?... maybe...

I am happy today. It's been a really long time since I've been just okay and today I got the feeling back. I was supposed to be doing homework but my friend is a foster mom for a 10 week-old black lab puppy so I may have dropped by her house to assist in the foster parenting of the little guy. Oh my goodness, oxytocin overload! And it is absolutely wonderful. Oh, the friend is Big Red.

Big Red is really good at keeping her boundaries (which are very different from mine). She is great at speaking her mind, communicating, and also knowing how to say things so that they are clear but not really hard for the other person to accept. So, I had her ready the messages between the friend that was being not nice to me. Actually, let's name her because I keep talking about her. Ummm, let's call her Jersey.

Okay, so, Jersey is the friend who "yelled" at me in person and over text after the first day of class because Beauty and I went to the mall. I told you guys about the whole falling out/me finally standing up for myself thing that went down yesterday. As it goes with most drama in girl circles, as I am finding out recently, drama between two friends quickly gets discussed with all members of the group by al parties involved directly. From there, the outlying friends that get a take on the drama from the parties involved then attempt to play middle-man to decrease drama and attempt to save friendships. So, Beauty is trying to get Jersey to calm down and she is trying to tell me that Jersey is upset because I didn't tell her that yelling at me is okay when she "apologized". Side note, it's not an apology if you say "sorry, but..." I thought that would be common sense, but apologies aren't really something that people do anymore. I do, but I belong in the 1800's.

Anyway, Big Red read all of the messages to and from Jersey and I. I told her to be honest if I was being unreasonable, mean, a bitch, etc. I trust Big Red to be straight with me because she always is. She doesn't beat around the bush or candy coat it. She also has no problem calling people out when they are being weird or mean or anything.

After reading everything, she told me that I was okay and I worded my side tastefully, reasonably, and kindly. She told me Jersey is over-reacting and she supports my decision to cut Jersey from my immediate friend group. I'll still be nice to her and sit near her in class. Hell, I'll even invite her to stuff when I invite all of our friends. However, I will no longer be making a huge effort to make it to her events, nor will I be sharing any type of personal information with her anymore. You also better believe I'm deleting her off of Facebook once I graduate and move away. She is someone who gets a kick out of Facebook stalking others and I am not okay with that. I don't really share anything on there anyway, but she has a knack of reading into what is posted or liked and then she makes up stories that she believes as fact and she begins rumors and troubles...

So, I am happy today.

Exfiance hasn't messaged me today. He hasn't spoken to me since yesterday morning, in fact. Maybe he finally got the message that we're not getting back together and I'm sick of playing his games? The other part of me is scared he would commit suicide just to get back at me. I'm terrified that I would have to live with his blood on my head. I'm almost certain I couldn't handle another suicide being my fault.

That does honestly terrify me. However, I'm still happy today. I'm making boundaries, enforcing them, and liberating myself.

...but then there's Bieber and I am not coping with liking his song very well... it'll be okay guys, this is just a phase and it's just one song. Right? I hope!!!

"Love Yourself"

(Justin Bieber)

For all the times that you rain on my parade
And all the clubs you get in using my name
You think you broke my heart, oh girl for goodness sake
You think I'm crying, oh my oh, well I ain't

And I didn't wanna write a song cause I didn't want anyone thinking I still care
I don't but, you still hit my phone up
And baby I be movin' on and I think you should be somethin'
I don't wanna hold back, maybe you should know that
My mama don't like you and she likes everyone
And I never like to admit that I was wrong
And I've been so caught up in my job, didn't see what's going on
And now I know, I'm better sleeping on my own

Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh baby you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin'
You should go and love yourself

But when you told me that you hated my friends
The only problem was with you and not them
And every time you told me my opinion was wrong
And tried to make me forget where I came from

And I didn't wanna write a song cause I didn't want anyone thinking I still care
I don't but, you still hit my phone up
And baby I be movin' on and I think you should be somethin'
I don't wanna hold back, maybe you should know that
My mama don't like you and she likes everyone
And I never like to admit that I was wrong
And I've been so caught up in my job, didn't see what's going on
And now I know, I'm better sleeping on my own

Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh baby you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin'
You should go and love yourself

For all the times that you've made me feel small
I fell in love, now I feel nothin' at all
Had never felt so low when I was vulnerable
Was I a fool to let you break down my walls?

Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh baby you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin'
You should go and love yourself
Cause if you like the way you look that much
Oh baby you should go and love yourself
And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin'
You should go and love yourself

My Simple Dream

In an effort to be totally real with y'all, so that you know that everyone struggles with silly stuff, I want to confess something to you guys. I keep coming up with situations that seem fun in my head or ideas of the type of guy I want and somehow I turn them into a type of prayer that is really more of my telling G-d a laundry list of things I want. Recently, I have caught myself almost asking, "L-rd, is this too much to ask?" I don't really mean it, but it's gotten into my head somehow. Maybe I picked it up from some of the funny quotes I'm bombarded with everyday or perhaps it was sprinkled through Pinterest. Either way, I'm appalled at myself for ever even thinking to ask G-d this. All thing are possible through Him because He created ALL things. He could give me the things I think I want, but would that be a good idea? Probably not, that's why He hasn't given them to me. Or, maybe He is saving it for sometime in the future. I don't know which because I can't see to the end of my life and all that happens between now and then. Sometimes I wish I could, but it's probably best that I can't.

Lately, I've really been craving a good, down-home, proper, country bonfire. Now, my college tried to hold a "bonfire" to celebrate homecoming week. Nothing about it was right.

The bonfires I'm talkin' 'bout have music up on a flatbed trailer because that's the only right way to do it...

 

But, if you don't have buddies in a bad, a circle of trucks with their radios cranked on the same station will do...

You gotta have beer (for those 21 and over)...








And you have to have loads of people surrounding the main even, a large pile of fire. Yes, fire can be in a pile, just trust me on this one...

These are just the necessities! You also typically need some fun guys and gals. Some down-to-earth country boys are usually the best fit because they worked hard all day/week and are ready for some fun!

Add in a tractor pulling a little trailer outfitted with some benches of straw/hay and you got yourself the best hangout you could imagine...

There may be some swimmin', and that includes skinny dipping, but I don't roll that way because I just don't. I can't even wear a tank top with my closest gal pals, how am I supposed to take off everything but my birthday suit or skivvy's to go swimming in some leech infested, stagnant water? No thank you! I will go in broad daylight wearing my nun's outfit of a "bathing suit" and that'll do me.

Guns may be brought out before the sun sets all the way and before people are completely plastered just to blow some steam and get some good chemicals (oxytocin, my favorite hormone, among others) pumpin' through everyone's veins...

Most of all, bonfires are just about kickin' back, chillin' and having a good time with your friends after a lot of work and likely a lot of stress. I haven't been to a bonfire, let alone a good bonfire since I was a kid. I couldn't drink at those either, because I was a child (probably 10 and under), but I sure did have a good time anyway! All of us kids, meaning me (the only girl) and all the boys (around 5-10), would run around lighting fire crackers, roasting marshmallows, and doing everything that was frowned upon in "normal" life. Normal life simply means the city life full of suburbs, people everywhere telling me what to do, and nobody having similar views on the way life should be handled. Those weekends were like family reunions and happened nearly every other weekend. Those people are my family especially because we don't talk to my mom's family and we aren't super close with my dad's side either. But we were so close with that huge group of friends that were closer and more connected and committed than our biological family. I miss that.




Another confession is that I have been craving a beer or some type of alcohol all week. I know that it will not necessarily make life more fun. Also, it's not good to "self medicate" with mood altering drugs. Not to mention, I'm only 19 and have never had a drink before, but I'm getting this craving for beer again. The Bible says: "There is nothing better for a person than that he should eat and drink and find enjoyment in his toil. This also, I saw, is from the hand of God" (Ecclesiastes 2:24). But, I'm also supposed to follow the law because G-d said so. I doubt that I would/will ever get plastered, but I just want some kind of fun in my life! Alcohol never seemed like it would be fun or worth it until this summer at about the same time that boys suddenly became attractive. Dagnabbit! (That is how you spell it. It is a word. Well, where I come from it's a word.) What kind of trauma did I incur that I now want to drink a little bit, go to bonfire parties, have a boyfriend, and actually find boys cute!?!

Haha, I told my friend that I never used to think guys were cute until sometime this summer and she informed me that it happened suddenly to her too... somewhere in middle school... at the beginning of puberty. I'm not convinced that I may be slightly academically developed, thought I'm certainly still working on that, but I am severely developmentally delayed. I'm in college and just now starting to think guys are cute. What is going on?!

Dating Drama

No, this is not another rant about my current dilemma in the pre-dating phase of my life, this is about a very dear friend of mine. Its about my friends B, P, and Z (P = my guy friend who likes me, B = P's roommate, Z = my close girl friend who is in cahoots with P). Does it feel like algebra again?

Anyway, Z has (had) a crush on B while P had a crush on me. So, P and Z decided to form an alliance and take B and I down. Why? I don't know. Currently I have a theory that there are too many pheromones and hormones going around and since it's spring, people begin to look for mates... This is likely not the case, but that's what I'm sticking with because for girls and guys around the nation, last week sucked in the dating world (at least in my group of friends which includes many more than just these three people).

So, Z had my guy friend (P) ask B if he liked Z or not. Z and P were assuming he had no idea of what was going on, like they assumed I had no idea what was going on. But B had a hunch that she was into him, but he did not "feel" the same way about her. Now my friends heart is broken, but she is taking it like a champ. B probably does not know that Z knows because P told him that Z did not know. For now, everyone is acting like nothing happened. Meanwhile, I don't know what to do. I think B probably doesn't either. Knowing all that has gone on behind the scenes of Z and B, I wonder who knows about P and I. Also, I wonder what is going on and how big of a mess I'm really in because I am obviously only aware of the tip of this iceberg, like B is only aware of the smallest little bit of his iceberg. I am quite convinced I'm going down like the Titanic... Poor B, I just don't like that he is not aware of everything going on because I don't like not knowing all that is going on. Maybe he doesn't care, but I have a feeling he knows more than anyone else knows because I know more than I am supposed to know about my ordeal.

I'm going to need a therapist after this.

At least I am learning about my vast amount of shortcomings when it comes to being a human that, unfortunately, has to interact with other humans that occasionally develop crushes. If more people knew the science behind attraction, would there be less romantic relationships and therefore less unnecessary heartbreak? This science is fascinating to me because it explains all that I cannot understand about other because I have not really been the type of girl to think a guy is "hot" or anything like that. I have never had a boyfriend, and at this point don't really want one (at least for a few more years) but I may never want one. But the explanations and science behind dating, attraction, kissing, etc. is so fascinating and I know what's going on in P. If he knew, then it probably wouldn't be the same because he may chalk it up to pheromones and hormones like I am...

I need to do more research because research is comforting to me. I'll let you guys know what I find. In the meantime, enjoy some facts about kissing (also part of my reasons to not kiss anyone until I kiss my husband on my wedding day):

• Prostitutes do not kiss their clients because it leads to feelings of attachment
• When you kiss someone, hormones are transferred between the two people (especially testosterone and oxytocin - which you likely know leads to feelings of attachment)
• It uses a bunch of muscles in your face which may keep you looking younger
• Kissing burns calories, but not a huge amount

There are others, but I can't remember them. Just Google it and you'll get millions of hits!

An F!

Guys, I got my first F... EVER! It was on a chem quiz, which will be dropped, but it is still disheartening to discover I got 11/20 on a quiz.

Now, do y'all ever have those days where one bad thing sets off other bad things? Or one bad thing causes a sad/bad day so everything seems to go wrong because you are thinking of everything in a  half-empty kinda way? Ya, this was one of those days. A&P was alright, English was okay (we just got like a million assignments though), then I donated platelets. Those things were all just okay. Then I go to A&P lab, which set off my sadness again. In reality, it is more of a frustration that I have gotten so many bad grades, which leads to a fear of how I will do on my next two A&P tests (both on Tuesday, by the way). I have been told that we make our own grades depending on how hard we work, and I agree with that. It does not keep me from worrying though because I seem to be in a really bad way when it comes to studying lately. Worrying causes me to think about all the verses telling me to not worry, but that does not stop me from freaking out either. After lab I called my mom and nearly lost it. I was crying on my end, which I do not like to do, but I do not think she knew that. Now, I am sitting here on my bed wondering if my latest difficult season is because my depression is coming back for another season. Then I figure I can't be depressed if I know I'm depressed, but I am not sure that is sound logic...

I just need some oxytocin. Just a little hug or something! I have heard smiling releases endorphins so I have been smiling and laughing a lot with my friends, but that just seems to defer the sadness that comes swooping in the moment I am alone. Then I think I am just being negative so I start thinking of my thanksgivings. That tends to help because pretty soon I am asleep. Bringing one more day to a close just causes another to begin again, restarting the cycle again. I don't know what to do. Okay, I just thought about it. I will pray and ask the Creator of me, Ad-nai, to restore my brokenness. I want to tell one of my friends, but this is something I need G-d to do. Perhaps this sad season is because He is drawing me back to Himself by allowing me to know the hurt when He is not the center of my life.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am thankful that I found a platelet donation place near to campus at the hospital I want to work at. Through today's donation, G-d has provided me with a lot of information about possible employment there. I am thankful for my mom answering my phone calls (I call her a lot!), and for my family's support. I am also very grateful that my brother talked to me on the phone today and was so very kind. Lately, it seemed as though a big rift was beginning to form between us because he does not like me and would not let me "in". Today's phone call was refreshing because I got to experience the brother I remember and not the one who is very, very upset with me.