I Thought Life Would Look Different

I turn 24 in approximately 10 days.

You guys know, I don't like birthdays. I'm not a huge fan of the extra attention, looking back on yet another year that has come and gone, nor remembering how much I had planned to do before getting to this point.

When I was younger, I had hoped to at least be married by now. But, I'm solidly single. I've been single for several years now, and no prospects of that changing any time in the near future.

I had hoped to be in Small Town; learning more, training new staff, and working up the career ladder there.

I had hoped to be accepted into graduate school and working towards furthering my education.

Naively, I had also hoped to have started having kids by now. I want to be a young mom, but I watch those years go and go and go.

I know, I'll only be 24. Someday I will look back and remember how foolish I was for wanting to pile on all of the adult responsibilities at the same time, but I'm feeling impatient. I'm thinking of the ways that a marriage would benefit me for housing, companionship, and general support in the simplicities of life.

Then again, I begin thinking of how difficult relationships are... You have to share in a marriage. Share a kitchen, a bathroom, a house, a bed, and your life with another person. This other person was raised differently than you. Sure, you may love them, but everything that they have come from is different than what you came from. Different family dynamics, different expectations, different bedtime routines, different views on life, different food/cooking preferences, and different ideas of how marriage is supposed to work.

As if that weren't enough, you have to share your day with them. Share thoughts, feelings, and emotions and try to continue to connect with them... every day.

And, if that all doesn't have your feathers ruffled, you're supposed to share your body with them as well?



I know, I know. Here's yet ANOTHER stinking post about how stupid trauma has effected my life and how I am sad about what it's done. I should be able to just get over it eventually, right? Didn't that time that I should have been over it come and go? Shouldn't I be moving on? Finding joy? Starting life over and hoping for the best?

Well, kind of. I guess I'm still mourning. I'm mourning the loss of what was stolen from me. I'm mourning for the dreams that I killed and buried all those years ago. I'm mourning the years of life stolen from me, as I have been climbing my way out of a deep, deep pit I was forced into. I'm mourning the life that cannot be, the goals that cannot be fulfilled, and the plans that I had.

G-d has different plans, better plans than I could ever imagine. He's got plans that will hopefully make a beautiful tapestry out of the tangled ends that I have come to. He's got plans that are so far beyond my comprehension, that I will never understand them.

However, I'm allowing myself to mourn this anniversary of life.

3 years ago, I came to this season with excitement, but low expectations, for my 21st birthday. I decided to celebrate my birthday that year and tell some people. I decided to allow people to make a big deal about me. 3 weeks later, my life came to a screeching halt. I had innocence forcefully torn from me. I was held down and my pleading was ignored. Unthinkable things were done to me and it put my life on pause. For 3 years, I have been stuck in survival mode. I am beginning to break free and start to live again. However, I have lost 3 years of my life, completely. Sure, I graduated, worked, and G-d brought me through. But I didn't live.

In 7 days marks the 4th anniversary of Country Boy's death by suicide. It, in itself, was highly traumatizing for me. Upon that loss, the trauma has continued to pile on. That loss started the Complex in the Complex PTSD. He was 19. Didn't even make it until he was 20. He didn't wait until he was 21. He carried a lot of grief and pain with him. It crushed him. I still remember the pain in his eyes. The hope he had that someone else understood his grief when we started talking about death on that little date at the Starbucks in Target. I made up some crap story, but deep inside, I wanted to tell him of my struggles with suicidal thoughts too. It never occurred to me that other people struggled with it too! I didn't want to bring him down on our mini date! I didn't want to burden him with more grief and worry than he already had.



You see, I shouldn't be older than 19, in my head. I "functioned" from 19 to 21, but L-rd knows I wasn't living. My life slowed down with the death of Country Boy. At the moment of my first assault with exboyfriend, my life came to a standstill. Time with exfiance was spent fighting to breath another day, and continued to stand still.

So now, I get to my 24th birthday feeling like a failure. Where has my life gone?

Worst Friend Ever

Folks, I'm talking about me. In the last week, I have made a friend cry and ruined another friendship. I don't know why I suck at life, but I do. I'm terrible with people! What was I thinking making friends and talking? Dumbest decision I've had in a long time, and maybe ever in my life. Man alive! What is wrong with me? I never used to make people cry, never. And friends have been mad at me before, but this one hurts more than it did before. So far they are both still talking to me, but I still failed them.

I have a confession, I wanted to learn how to speak my mind so that people don't keep walking all over me, but if this is what results, I don't want any part of it! It's not even like I have a thick skin either, but I didn't think I was mean. Now, I'm thinking I am so very mean and I'm seriously considering why people even befriend me in the first place.

Then, I start thinking about why I befriend others. I make friends because I know what it is to be uncomfortable on the sidelines watching everyone else socialize and have fun. So, I rope other people in a help them to make connections until they don't need me anymore. Then, the connections that we had slowly fade into nothing more than a smile in the halls. Fortunately for me, I am now comfortable on the sidelines with no one else to sit with or talk to, but if there is someone, I will interact with them.

Subsequently, I started thinking about my friends. I do have friends, and they are often very kind to hang out with me because I am crazy. Y'all know, you read my thoughts in this blog. Anyway, I have never really felt connected to anyone. Even when I have a bunch of friends, and loads of stuff to do with them, I always feel lonely. So, what's wrong with me? We weren't made to be of the world, we are merely in it to fulfill G-d's plans, but I feel all alone when surrounded by seas of people. Even when I let someone know my secrets and my deeper, crazier thoughts, I never really feel connected or close to anyone. Now, the bonds I used to have with my parents and brother are even dwindling. Is it just part of growing up? If it is, then why have I always been so lonely, all my life. I know G-d is always with me, but I've been screwing up with Him and I haven't been working on that relationship and everything is falling apart!!!

So, my conclusion is: I suck at life.

Failed My Test

Okay, I am not completely sure that I totally failed my chem test, but I just took it and I am 98% sure I legitimately failed the test. I did the study guide but half the stuff my teacher asked about wasn't even on the study guide!!! Why? She says everything that will be on the test will be on the study guide, but that's not the case. I miss my old teacher. She gave us huge study packets and actually talked about chemistry in a language I understood. I should have stayed with her. Also, I should have kept my original A&P Lab time because I am not pleased with my current lab instructor, who is also different than last semester. I am just regretting so many life decisions, you have no idea.

I'll keep you guys updated about my test grade, I get it back tonight or tomorrow...

On a brighter subject, I got a 97% on my English paper so that cheered me up, until I took my test. So, I was in a good mood for all of 8 hours (and I was asleep most of those 8 hours).


Why did I have to make such foolish decisions about everything in my life!?!

By the way, I called home last night because I was about to lose it. Then I let it slip that my depression is coming back and my anxiety is getting much worse. Talk about freaking your parents out! I took it back right away and told my mom I was good, but I'm pretty sure she doesn't believe me. That poor woman, and my poor dad are always having to reassure me that life is alright. I feel bad for making them worry, but it just slipped out. I need to learn how to fix my depression and anxiety so that this doesn't keep happening because right now it is so bad, I am actually physically sick. I will likely live, it's nothing big, but I get so frustrated because I cannot figure out how to control this nonsense! Then that just makes matters worse and it's a cycle that keeps getting increasingly more difficult and problematic. Maybe I have bi-polar disorder... Or maybe I'm just a hypochondriac...

Sinking Feeling

Hey guys, I got my grades back from all of my tests last week. I got a B on all of them... I am so frustrated with myself! I totally could have studied more and studied harder and for longer, but I didn't. So, I got a B on my anatomy lecture and lab tests, and also a B on my Psych exam. Now I'm just waiting for my English paper to be graded because I turned that in today, with a sinking suspicion that I did not do well. The only good grade I got all last week was a 19/20 on my chem quiz. Yes, I know that B's are not the end of the world, nor are they bad grades, I am simply frustrated with myself because this was my last chance to bring my grades up in Anatomy and in Chem, but I blew it! Well, I haven't taken my chem test yet, that's on Wednesday and I better get to studying for it right now.

I am so stressed out about grades, the HESI, summer classes, school, housing next year and verything else, I think I may just have a panic attack...

These types of days make me wonder how I think I can even get into nursing school. Or, how can I make it as a nurse? I don't know how this is going to happen because I can't even get through the prereques with good grades and sanity, how am I ever supposed to go through nursing school and be an RN? The only way is by complete miracles from G-d because everyone, especially me, knows that I cannot do this!

Moving on to daily thanksgivings... I am thankful that I get to go home this weekend for my parent's 19th wedding anniversary. I am finished with last week and will be able to pick up and move on because I can't change my tests now. I am finished with Monday and I have amazing friends who are supporting me through my ridiculous bouts with anxiety and random spurts of depression. G-d has truly blessed me with incredible, supportive, sweet people to help me through so many struggles, even when they are all in my head (which is the majority of the time). Also, G-d didn't let me fail one test last week. Even though I am not pleased with my grades, He provided me with decent grades and if He wants me to have A's, then I will have A's. If not, then I will be thankful that He allows me to pass my prereques.

Bad Driver, That's Me...

There is a good chance that you have heard that women are terrible drivers. This is not completely true and it is not a complete lie. When my friend and I went apartment shopping, I was the designated driver, and it was not a great experience for her, as I have recently been informed of, in front of a huge group of my friends. I was the butt of nearly 10 minutes worth of jokes, but I just laughed along. They were pretty funny, and somewhat true, but that doesn't mean they didn't hurt just a little and I was embarrassed. Now, I can refuse to drive people, because I'm a bad driver...

Just to give you an idea of how bad, let's review the points she brought up, and a couple she failed to mention:

1. I almost ran a stop sign. (I was looking at apartment complexes and just missed the little red sign. Fortunately, she pointed it out and I stopped with no problem.)
2. According to her, I ran into a little column that sticks out in random parking spaces in our university's parking garage. (My story: I did not run into it, I tapped it, with my car, because I was not sure how long my car was, but it was a minor tap!)
3. She failed to mention that I slammed on the breaks to avoid running a red light even though she told me to just go through it.
4. Also, I drive a stick shift, and I am not a smooth shifter (she didn't say this).

So, clearly I am a terrible driver. I am actually aware that I am not a good driver, it just sucks to be made fun of in front of all my friends... But hey, it's cool, whatever. I get made fun of for lots of stuff. Then I change the behavior or practice, then I'm not so bad. I guess, this will have to be one of those times where I just practice and get better so that I cannot be mocked anymore. Even though it stings, I think this may be beneficial, because at least someone is honest with me so that I can make others more comfortable.


Also, I have noticed that I do the "..." thing a lot. I really am fond of it and I would put it in a lot more, but I figure I overuse it. How can you not though? It's like one of my favorite things!

Just Another Day In Paradise

Finished out another day of work. Thankfully, today the CNA stayed with me all day and we were behind, but it wasn't terrible. The residents, on the other hand, were off the wall active today. I don't know what's going on, it's not even a full moon yet!!! Guys, it's getting really hard to be at this job. It seems like I fail everyday because I am slow and I don't know what I am doing at all. Well, that's not totally true, I do kinda know what I am doing... sometimes. Anyway, I will count it as a good day despite the scratches, bruises, pain, frustration and disappointment.

On the other hand, I absolutely love the LPN that was working today. She is always so sweet and she saw that we were behind, likely because of me, and so she took all of the vitals we needed done for the day. If only there were something I could do for her, she is always offering me lunch, fixing my mistakes and offering advice and encouragement. This lady is just such a great nurse and LPN, I am so very thankful for her.

4 days left until spring break! My spring break will consist of studying, hanging out with friends and sleeping but it will be a nice break despite the uneventful week. Then I just have a month and a half left of my first year of school. That means... I am nearly a quarter of the way to being a nurse!!! Even though this job makes me feel like I cannot do anything right, I think that I have potential to be a good nurse. I care a lot, maybe too much, which is why I am slow. But I know that G-d can teach me to be an awesome nurse and He will guide my life.

By the way, my birthday is coming up. I won't say when, because I despise birthdays, but it seemed like I needed to tell someone besides just my family. Does anyone else hate birthdays? I don't like getting older, I do not like the attention and I do not like the pressure people put on you to make all the decisions just because you evacuated your mother's uterus that same date a few years earlier. Maybe I am just too negative. Actually, I am pretty sure I am, but I am working on it. Nonetheless, I highly dislike birthdays. It seems everything goes wrong that day. I've called into the principle's office, been yelled at, been forgotten, and tons of other bad things have happened, always on my birthday. So, please forgive me for not being excited about the aging process, I just don't see a need to commemorate the anniversary of another year that I did not live up to my expectations (or anyone else's for that matter).

Daily Thanksgiving: You know, it occurred to me I forgot yesterday's thanksgiving. Well, yesterday I was super thankful for Shabbat, a day of rest. I slept in and relaxed and did nothing all day. Today I am thankful for my LPN, the CNA that worked with me today, the fact that I don't have to work for nearly 3 weeks now, I get spring break in 4 days and for my friends and family. Plus, I love Pandora, it helps me get my mind off things when I need a break. Pandora radio is good stuff.


Just an update about my anatomy tests that I took last week: I got a B on both the lecture exam and the lab practical. I thought I would do better, but hey, G-d gave me good grades for both and I am grateful for that. Next time I will work for A's again and, L-rd willing, I will actually get A's.

Friday, Friday, Gotta Get Down On Friday!

*The title should be said/sung to the tune of the Friday song

No, I'm not a fan of the song, but it popped into my head when I was trying to decide a title for today's post so there it is.

Not much happened today. I didn't have class so I slept in (until 6:30 this morning), got breakfast with my friend which grew into a 6 person party. I studied, hung out, studied, went to EI (stands for extra instruction, some new thing my A&P teacher is trying out). Came back to my dorm and ... wait for it... studied. Yet, in all of the studying, it does not feel like I accomplished much of anything. Does anyone else ever feel that way? It is quite an unfortunate feeling really, but it's my fault. At least I am beginning to work toward studying smarter and not harder.

By the way, my friends just turned me onto a great way to take notes so that you study as you go through the week. If you use legal notepads, then transfer and organize your notes into an actual notebook, you read over them and focus on them more than just putting them into a notebook and forgetting about them. I am sure most of you already knew that trick, but I thought it was nifty and I wish I would have known about it sooner!

On the friend front: I am learning that I do not pay great attention to my friends personal and dating lives outside of the time I already spend with them. One friend has been in a budding relationship for a few weeks and I just found out today. Of course, this goes hand-in-hand with my anti-gossip policy that has been newly established, but it is not gossip if I talk to the actual person to find out what is going on in their lives, is it? That is just being friendly and caring about them as an entire person with their own individual life. Also, my friend that may like me probably won't reveal it for awhile. G-d is answering my prayer for that so I can breathe easy and relax... as far as that is concerned. As far as my other stresses, they are still coming but G-d is teaching me to focus on today and not the future worries of my life and the world.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am so grateful for G-d putting great friends into my life that make me laugh constantly. I truly do love them so very much, even though they curse and do stuff just to get me to react, I really enjoy handing out with them. Plus, everyone seems to poke at my buttons because there is a lot of stuff that I react to and I think it's funny anyway. I love that my friends are comfortable enough with me to poke fun at me, and I am able to TRY to poke fun at them. Unfortunately, I am not so good at teasing because I am a slow thinker, but they are good sports and laugh anyway at my many failed attempts. I am thankful for a day to study and the opportunity to finally make it to an EI session for anatomy.

Strange Week

Is anyone else having a bad or - at the very least - strange week? I have been talking to my friends and they all had awful weeks. One friend failed an exam, another one forgot she was supposed to work tonight, and the list goes on. These are not end-of-the-world type events, but they are definitely wreaking  havoc on my friends' emotions and well-being. What is going on here? I have had several days this week were I just wanted to give up and break down all at the same time. Is it just because we have tests coming up and we are all fried from almost a year of school? Does it have to do with the moon or barometer changes? Today, we had gorgeous weather and lots of sunshine. In the time it takes to walk to all of our classes, we should have gotten sufficient vitamin D. Perhaps we have not allowed it to sink in yet. Another possibility of our off week could be the fact that we are all stir crazy and also homesick. With the spring weather coming at us, it seems about time we are completely finished with school and able to be back with our families. Of coarse, we still have two and a half months to go, but hopefully it will go by quickly and smoothly. I need this year to be over soon, but I also need good grades!

Daily Thanksgiving: It occurred to me that I may have forgotten to do my daily thanksgiving a couple days ago, so I will just do a bunch today as usual in hopes of averaging that out. Today, I am thankful for a really smart, and ridiculously funny chem lab partner. I am so very grateful for the new friends I am making and their ability to hold a conversation without me so I can sit back and observe. Dinner was really good, we went to a restaurant on campus and it was such a good choice! I turned in my RA application on time. My mom got her belated birthday card (because I forgot to bring it home last weekend). She said it made her cry, which turns out to be a good thing in this case. The text she sent me telling me about her response to the card, however, made me tear up during anatomy... Hopefully no one was looking at me, but what she said was so kind and something I really needed to hear/read. I am thankful that I do not have class on Friday, nor do I have to work tomorrow. I get an entire day to study! I am grateful for my private room and the peace I now live in all of the time. When I am not experiencing peace, it is because I am allowing my head to get in the way. Do you think that was enough thanksgivings to even any missed days out? I sure hope so.

Also, I would like to challenge you guys, as individuals, to begin thinking of your own daily thanksgivings. Even when I am having a hard day, it helps to not dwell on the negative, but to focus on what went right that day. I would love to read about your thanksgivings no matter how strange or random they are! Feel free to post below, or on any comment really. You could even send it to my email if you would like. Let's share what G-d is doing in our lives and build each other up!

An F!

Guys, I got my first F... EVER! It was on a chem quiz, which will be dropped, but it is still disheartening to discover I got 11/20 on a quiz.

Now, do y'all ever have those days where one bad thing sets off other bad things? Or one bad thing causes a sad/bad day so everything seems to go wrong because you are thinking of everything in a  half-empty kinda way? Ya, this was one of those days. A&P was alright, English was okay (we just got like a million assignments though), then I donated platelets. Those things were all just okay. Then I go to A&P lab, which set off my sadness again. In reality, it is more of a frustration that I have gotten so many bad grades, which leads to a fear of how I will do on my next two A&P tests (both on Tuesday, by the way). I have been told that we make our own grades depending on how hard we work, and I agree with that. It does not keep me from worrying though because I seem to be in a really bad way when it comes to studying lately. Worrying causes me to think about all the verses telling me to not worry, but that does not stop me from freaking out either. After lab I called my mom and nearly lost it. I was crying on my end, which I do not like to do, but I do not think she knew that. Now, I am sitting here on my bed wondering if my latest difficult season is because my depression is coming back for another season. Then I figure I can't be depressed if I know I'm depressed, but I am not sure that is sound logic...

I just need some oxytocin. Just a little hug or something! I have heard smiling releases endorphins so I have been smiling and laughing a lot with my friends, but that just seems to defer the sadness that comes swooping in the moment I am alone. Then I think I am just being negative so I start thinking of my thanksgivings. That tends to help because pretty soon I am asleep. Bringing one more day to a close just causes another to begin again, restarting the cycle again. I don't know what to do. Okay, I just thought about it. I will pray and ask the Creator of me, Ad-nai, to restore my brokenness. I want to tell one of my friends, but this is something I need G-d to do. Perhaps this sad season is because He is drawing me back to Himself by allowing me to know the hurt when He is not the center of my life.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am thankful that I found a platelet donation place near to campus at the hospital I want to work at. Through today's donation, G-d has provided me with a lot of information about possible employment there. I am thankful for my mom answering my phone calls (I call her a lot!), and for my family's support. I am also very grateful that my brother talked to me on the phone today and was so very kind. Lately, it seemed as though a big rift was beginning to form between us because he does not like me and would not let me "in". Today's phone call was refreshing because I got to experience the brother I remember and not the one who is very, very upset with me.

New CNA on the Block

I have recently started a new job as a CNA. My first CNA job in fact. There are so many things that they do not tell you in schooling for this position! Boards do not test the way real life requires you to complete skills, for one. I was also not told about the old "wives' tale" about the full moon making people nuts until a lady at my congregation informed me. That is truly a gem of information and NOT a wives' tale. Seriously guys, pay attention to the moon cycle and mentally gear up ahead of time to save you from utter panic once it finally hits.

On that note, let me tell you about my work day recently. Keep in mind, I am completely green as a nurse aide. I feel so bad for the others that have to work with me because I am trying but seem to be failing miserably. Anyway, so all the residents were trying to escape the last time I was at work. Fortunately, we have door alarms on every door leading out of the units because it is an elderly care facility. So one lady was trying to get out, I successfully brought her back to the common area and shut off the alarm... or so I thought. A few hours later, I was helping change a lady and the lady I was working with noticed a lady wheeling past the window! Oh golly, I suck at this job. So I go out, bring her back in (the courtyard she got into is completely fenced in, but still!) and tell the nurse. I am so blessed to have such gracious CNAs and nurses working with me. Still, it just seems like I fail miserably every day I go in for work.

Anyone else have any horror stories about their first days as a CNA or nurse? Any hilarious stories or advice for a very new girl?