My "good day" has ended, somewhat. I'm still better than I had been, but I'm having problems again. I think I need to go talk to a doctor to either get treatment or to have them tell me that I'm fine and there is nothing wrong with me.
I'm still very hesitant, so I decided to take an online test to see what I have. Yes, this was a very bad decision. After taking several tests, I may have... IBS, chronic severe depressive disorder, agoraphobia, social anxiety, general anxiety, and, my favorite, bipolar disorder. Keep in mind, these are only the possible diagnoses I remember, there were a total of close to 10!
I need to see a doctor. I never see doctors. My problem with healthcare, and whatever is ailing me, is beginning to flare up due to this silliness...
And no, the irony that I don't trust healthcare, yet I want to be a nurse, is not lost on me.
I left class today (after about an hour of the whole two and a half hours) due to my nervousness. My fear of being embarrassed, having my stomach growl, eating in an unclean manner on front of others, and meeting new people is turning me into a hermit. Feeling like I can't handle life so I seriously consider not getting out of bed (no joking, I've actually done this) is causing friendships to suffer. Always feeling out of place and worthless is eating me alive. The thing I hate most about all of this is that I know these thoughts are highly irrational and many of them are lies from the Adversary. Does this make it easier to control these problems? Not for me. I have tried praying with authority and telling Satan and his demons to leave me alone, then quote a Bible verse or two. Maybe I'm doing it wrong, maybe I don't have enough faith, or maybe there is something else wrong with me. I don't know,but it doesnt seem to work because the thoughtscome back, or never stop, and i get overwhelmed. So, I have decided to go to the doctor and ask for help. Hopefully I can get referred for just therapy and no drugs because I don't like the idea of being medicated and hooked on drugs. (We just learned about psych meds in pharmacology amd they are incredibally addicting because they screw with your brain chemistry, which may be permanent.) Not cool, man.
No comments:
Post a Comment