Misunderstood

Do you ever feel that you are misunderstood? Perhaps you are an RN or a CNA and try to explain your frustrations about work with someone who does not work in medicine. Maybe you are a girl trying to explain your irrational bad day (when nothing is really going wrong but it still feels bad) to your boyfriend, guy friend, parents, etc. Maybe you are a guy trying to explain cars/sports/video games/etc. to your girlfriend, sister, parents, etc. (I am sorry for the stereotypes, normally I steer clear of them but they are personal experiences that just happen to be popping into my head at this moment.) Whatever the reason, my bet is that most people are misunderstood at some point or another.

Recently I went to lunch with my mentor who is in the same nursing program, but a year ahead of me. She likes to set up meeting every couple of weeks to ensure that I am not completely drowning, if she can help it, and also to encourage me to go to church. I have been going to church, so that's good, I guess. I tried explaining the rest of my life and school to her, because I am trying to be open and honest with people, and she totally didn't get me at all. This confirmed my fear that I am, in fact, too strange to be helped. It reinforced my policy that I keep problems to myself and pretend that nothing is wrong even when it is written clearly across my face. Well, I come on here and explain myself, but I don't know you guys and you don't really know me and I hope that somewhere, my awkward stories and bad writing can help somebody. If no, then at least I got my thoughts recorded and can kinda put them behind me.

Yesterday, while waiting after my IT job for my brother to get out of class, I found a book in the library. It talked about nurses and doctors coping with the death of their pt's. All of the nurses and doctors in the book worked in pediatrics, typically in oncology, PICU, or NICU. They all explained what happened during the first death that they experienced, how they coped, and what they do differently now. Most of them talked about having to be close friends with other doctors and nurses on their unit because nobody in other units or in the outside world understand what it is like to help a child through their death or to perform post mortem care on an infant. They can't even vent or explain their day to anyone who is not a healthcare provider because nobody gets it. So, should I learn to explicitly lean on G-d and learn to talk everything out with Him to prevent putting anyone around me through the confusion and pain that goes on with nursing? I plan on having friends, I always make friends at work, but will they get sick of me crying every time a baby dies? Will they get tired of me having to ask for help?

I already fear that I'm a burden to those around me. I feel like I'm the charity case because many of my friends are really pretty, super smart, and have loads of friends, so they don't really need me. I don't even complain to them about stuff because I don't want to dump anything else on them! I try to not ask for help or favors very much. I strive to pull my own weight, or to even give as much as I can and carry some of their burden. So I end up wanting to have the company of people, but when I get around them I get nervous and stressed. Ultimately, I end up shutting down, not talking, and leaving after only a short time. But the whole time, I still want human interaction. I don't understand this and I have been trying to fight through it, but I haven't found anything that works in the past few years that it's been occurring.

I don't feel like I belong. I don't belong at any church (past or present), at home, in my apartment,  at school, at my job, anywhere. I have never felt like I belong. I can have friends but we hardly get super close. Even when we do, they leave after a few years and we never talk again. I go home to my parent's house and it doesn't seem like I belong because my stuff isn't there. Then again, I come home to my apartment and it just feels like my things are intruding on someone else's turf because this is just temporary. For several years nursing felt like my niche, but the longer I'm in the nursing program, the more I feel like an outsider that won't make it through this boot camp. My first long term church was one I attended for 10 years with my family. Through that whole time, I didn't feel I belonged. It was a small church and everyone knew everyone, but I never connected with many people. My pastor's wife let me work in the nursery and the kids clung to me. Outside of that, I never really had anyone to be with. The next church was larger and I had tons of people who made it a point to come say hi because I watched their kids or we helped to start the church together, but still, no real connections (except for the lady I still babysit for and the other lady that goes to my mom for haircuts.) My Messianic congregation has a line out the door of people wanting to talk to me, but I can't figure out why. My current church has only been "mine" for about a month so still no one there... yet(?).

My love language is quality time. Maybe I'm setting my standards too high for friendship. Perhaps I should be looking for more superficial friendships as opposed to ones that seem grounded and deep. Maybe I just don't let people get close or maybe they don't want to get close. I don't know.

The end.