I'm just going to start by saying I HATE Halloween. I cannot stand it. If there were a stronger word in my vocabulary than hate, despise, or the like then I would use it. In fact, I think that my strong dislike for this day deserves its very own word that should be made up right now. Problem is, I am not super creative so I can't come up with a word... Just pretend that it is really strong and clever. Thanks!
Anyway, back to the title. The lady that I babysat (notice past tense) for in the past just got married. Understand that I nearly put off college to remain at home with her to take care of her children because her husband cheated on her and pretty much abandoned her and her four children, one of which was a newborn at the time. I adored this family. I had prayed for them for such a long time and I felt like I belonged as their babysitter/nanny. It's been about three years since he first left and about a year and a half or two years since their divorce was finalized. Her children melt my heart and they came up with their own nickname for me. We are also on the basis of telling each other that we love each other because we share intimate areas of our lives and hearts with each other. This story only scrapes the surface of how much I truly care for this family.
About a week or two ago, she got married. Yes, I am happy for her because she seems really happy. They only dated for a couple of months but they have known each other for years through church. Actually, I knew him at church too because that's how I met this lady to begin with. So, even though their dating only lasted a few months and their engagement about a month, they have known each other for awhile. I was kind of hoping to be a bridesmaid at her wedding, but they had a teensy wedding in her parent's backyard and nobody was really invited. Plus, it's not fair that I would assume she would ask me. It's also not fair of me to assume that I am such an integral part of her family. Still, it breaks my heart that I don't ever get to babysit or see them anymore. I call these children my kids. All my friends know that I have had 4 kids since I was 16 because those are my kids! Yet, I haven't seen them since June, except on Facebook.
I guess I'm a bit jealous that I am no longer in the picture and yet her life is moving on. I miss them and I stay stuck on the past while this lady and her family (and everyone else in the world) continue to move on with their lives. Wow, I sound narcissistic. Really, I don't think I am that important that her world would come to a halt just because I was not there, but I have a tough time with any kind of change. I am happy that she seems happy. I pray that she finds joy in this new phase of her life and I pray that the kids are held by the L-rd through their time dealing with their parent's divorce. I want happiness and joy and love for them all, I just don't understand why it's so hard to watch this all from the outside.
I think I need to shut off my Facebook, it just seems to depress me the more I go on it. I also need to get out of the past. I keep wishing life was the way it was before, but that's just not how life or time works.
L-rd willing y'all won't get yourself too scared this Halloween season. A few more hours in my time zone and then I have survived Halloween 2014!!! May your remaining time be easy to cope with and not at all scary.
Blessings!
BedpanAlley
Friday, October 31, 2014
Friday, October 24, 2014
Am I Dying?
About a month ago, I was babysitting for my friend. The previous night she had been in the ER with him because he was sick. They sent him home saying he was fine. Bologna! He has asthma and was presenting with a croupy cough and snot everywhere. They discharged him. So, naturally, you take the sick kid to the babysitter, right? Awesome.
I thought everything was all okay but a few days ago I woke up with no voice. Now, I don't talk enough, ever, to lose my voice, so I shouldn't wake up with it already gone. That night I get a fever and I think I'm gonna lose the contents of my stomach so I slept on the bathroom floor. Several days later, I still have no voice. I'm at my parents house and they are babying me, trying to get me back to health. Meanwhile I'm trying to finish my billions of projects that are due by Monday while also studying for a test I have on Tuesday. Seriously, this illness could not have come at a worse time because I have so much to do!
I'm a little more than mildly irritated that I have contracted croup at the age of 20 when I have so many things that absolutely have to get done. Plus, I feel like crap. (Please excuse the language.)
I thought everything was all okay but a few days ago I woke up with no voice. Now, I don't talk enough, ever, to lose my voice, so I shouldn't wake up with it already gone. That night I get a fever and I think I'm gonna lose the contents of my stomach so I slept on the bathroom floor. Several days later, I still have no voice. I'm at my parents house and they are babying me, trying to get me back to health. Meanwhile I'm trying to finish my billions of projects that are due by Monday while also studying for a test I have on Tuesday. Seriously, this illness could not have come at a worse time because I have so much to do!
I'm a little more than mildly irritated that I have contracted croup at the age of 20 when I have so many things that absolutely have to get done. Plus, I feel like crap. (Please excuse the language.)
Monday, October 20, 2014
What I Wish I Could Say
Last night was awful. I'm talking the worst night I have ever had at work since I have been at the hospital.
I went into the patient's room and as I was getting report, within the first 15 minutes of my shift, I had already gotten assaulted and we had to call security. We had 3 security guards, 2 CNA's, and the nurse in the room trying to get the patient calmed down and some meds that are stronger than Ativan. It starts with a G but I can't remember what it is. Oh, but it got so much worse. As the night went on I kept reminding him that he needed to stay in bed because he can't walk and so he kept requesting to talk to my supervisor (the nurse). I finally called the nurse in and the patient was super pleasant and rambling on and on about how he "told me so" about this, that, and the other. He hadn't even mentioned any of that before the nurse came in. At about 0200 he started with the personal attacks because I still wasn't letting him out of bed. He told me that I don't understand what it's like to be an adult because I'm just some little girl who is living off of "mommy and daddy's money". He could not have chosen a worse thing to say to me and I couldn't do anything about it.
I wanted to tell him that the only reason I was there is because I work so that I can live on my own. My parents pay for nothing because they can't afford it. I am working my way through college by wiping adult butts and being attacked on a regular/weekly basis by patients because that's my job. I wanted to tell him that I wish I could let him walk and I wish that I wasn't there either because that's not how I would chose to spend a Sunday night, especially when I have school the next day. But I can't. Because he's a patient. I do apologize for whining but I am so sick of going to work and being attacked every night! I understand that they are sick but why does that make it acceptable for them to be so mean. I think the things that he said to me (and he said much, much more) are probably the MEANEST things anyone has ever said to me. I should shake it off but I just can't right now.
Everybody and their mother is trying to set me up because I'm not enough on my own. I wish I could tell them to go pound sand. I wish I could share all of the things in my life that I am still trying to heal from that make me believe that I am unworthy of love from anyone beside those obligated to love me because of blood and genetics. I wish I could tell them that I feel like a failure because I couldn't make it work with Best Friend and yet I wish I had never "gone out" with him in the first place. I wish I could tell them that I want a relationship and I want to be a wife and a mother, but I am scared to death that I am not good enough. I am terrified that a guy would say, "ya, okay" to marrying me and then decide that I wasn't worth it. Yet, I am frightened of living the rest of my life alone. I want someone to understand that being in this weird area of not wanting to be alone but being apprehensive of a relationship is also driving me insane.
My brother keeps blowing me off so he can hang out with his girlfriend and other friends. I figured he would get into a relationship eventually and I am happy for him, but he bends over backwards to hang out with everyone but me. I offered to buy him lunch so that I could hang out with him because I was really sad and lonely. He agreed to come over, if I agreed to buy. After we got it all situated he asked if he could bring a friend. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!?! I wish I would have told him its frustrating that he doesn't try to hang out with me but he gets mad when I don't come hang out with him. I am truly glad that he has a girlfriend he really likes and a bunch of friends. Why would it seem okay to invite a friend to lunch after I had already agreed to pay? Does he think I'm made of money? I wish I could tell him it's frustrating to love him so much when he doesn't seem to care what I'm doing as long as it either doesn't effect him negatively or it benefits him. I want to tell him I miss him and I... I... I don't know. I think I'm hanging on to something that I won't ever be able to get back.
Today, I wish I could go back and talk to the people who scarred me for life. I wish I could show them the pain they've caused collectively and the long-lasting damage they cause to people's lives. I wish that I could prevent anyone else from ever being called fat, ugly, stupid, or any other mean thing people come up with. When we're kids, we don't understand that one simple name will stick with others for the rest of their lives. These words are thorns in our sides. It just takes one, but the more you accumulate the more you start to believe everyone else around you, even if you don't want to. If only time travel existed. If only people could just be nice to each other!
I want to talk to someone who understand what I want to say when no words are forthcoming because there is so much I want to say but there is no way for me to express it. I praise the L-rd that He made me independent and He provides ways for me to be able to go to school and have stuff paid for so that I am able to survive without my parents having to pay for everything because I definitely do not do this of my own power.
I went into the patient's room and as I was getting report, within the first 15 minutes of my shift, I had already gotten assaulted and we had to call security. We had 3 security guards, 2 CNA's, and the nurse in the room trying to get the patient calmed down and some meds that are stronger than Ativan. It starts with a G but I can't remember what it is. Oh, but it got so much worse. As the night went on I kept reminding him that he needed to stay in bed because he can't walk and so he kept requesting to talk to my supervisor (the nurse). I finally called the nurse in and the patient was super pleasant and rambling on and on about how he "told me so" about this, that, and the other. He hadn't even mentioned any of that before the nurse came in. At about 0200 he started with the personal attacks because I still wasn't letting him out of bed. He told me that I don't understand what it's like to be an adult because I'm just some little girl who is living off of "mommy and daddy's money". He could not have chosen a worse thing to say to me and I couldn't do anything about it.
I wanted to tell him that the only reason I was there is because I work so that I can live on my own. My parents pay for nothing because they can't afford it. I am working my way through college by wiping adult butts and being attacked on a regular/weekly basis by patients because that's my job. I wanted to tell him that I wish I could let him walk and I wish that I wasn't there either because that's not how I would chose to spend a Sunday night, especially when I have school the next day. But I can't. Because he's a patient. I do apologize for whining but I am so sick of going to work and being attacked every night! I understand that they are sick but why does that make it acceptable for them to be so mean. I think the things that he said to me (and he said much, much more) are probably the MEANEST things anyone has ever said to me. I should shake it off but I just can't right now.
Everybody and their mother is trying to set me up because I'm not enough on my own. I wish I could tell them to go pound sand. I wish I could share all of the things in my life that I am still trying to heal from that make me believe that I am unworthy of love from anyone beside those obligated to love me because of blood and genetics. I wish I could tell them that I feel like a failure because I couldn't make it work with Best Friend and yet I wish I had never "gone out" with him in the first place. I wish I could tell them that I want a relationship and I want to be a wife and a mother, but I am scared to death that I am not good enough. I am terrified that a guy would say, "ya, okay" to marrying me and then decide that I wasn't worth it. Yet, I am frightened of living the rest of my life alone. I want someone to understand that being in this weird area of not wanting to be alone but being apprehensive of a relationship is also driving me insane.
My brother keeps blowing me off so he can hang out with his girlfriend and other friends. I figured he would get into a relationship eventually and I am happy for him, but he bends over backwards to hang out with everyone but me. I offered to buy him lunch so that I could hang out with him because I was really sad and lonely. He agreed to come over, if I agreed to buy. After we got it all situated he asked if he could bring a friend. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!?! I wish I would have told him its frustrating that he doesn't try to hang out with me but he gets mad when I don't come hang out with him. I am truly glad that he has a girlfriend he really likes and a bunch of friends. Why would it seem okay to invite a friend to lunch after I had already agreed to pay? Does he think I'm made of money? I wish I could tell him it's frustrating to love him so much when he doesn't seem to care what I'm doing as long as it either doesn't effect him negatively or it benefits him. I want to tell him I miss him and I... I... I don't know. I think I'm hanging on to something that I won't ever be able to get back.
Today, I wish I could go back and talk to the people who scarred me for life. I wish I could show them the pain they've caused collectively and the long-lasting damage they cause to people's lives. I wish that I could prevent anyone else from ever being called fat, ugly, stupid, or any other mean thing people come up with. When we're kids, we don't understand that one simple name will stick with others for the rest of their lives. These words are thorns in our sides. It just takes one, but the more you accumulate the more you start to believe everyone else around you, even if you don't want to. If only time travel existed. If only people could just be nice to each other!
I want to talk to someone who understand what I want to say when no words are forthcoming because there is so much I want to say but there is no way for me to express it. I praise the L-rd that He made me independent and He provides ways for me to be able to go to school and have stuff paid for so that I am able to survive without my parents having to pay for everything because I definitely do not do this of my own power.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Lying is the Easy Part
"Are you okay" - Beauty (I have talked about her before but she just now got a nickname. She's my super pretty friend from freshman year dorms who made it into nursing school with me.)
"Ya." - Me when I'm really thinking no.
My weekend went fine. On Friday I visited my old neighborhood and all my neighbors were hanging out watching football. They asked what my boyfriend's name was (just wondering if I had one) and I told them I tried having a bf for a little bit but decided that was a bad idea (in a joking manner). I was psycho-analyzed Saturday at shul then visited my Brother. He pretty much pointed out I am probably going to turn out to be a cat-lady which sucks because I'm allergic to cats so they would likely suffocate me in my sleep. Sunday went by without a hitch until I had to go to work. They called me off then called back 20 minutes later with a "Just kidding! We just decided we need you." Fan-frickin-tastic, I have a test tomorrow I need to study for!!! I hardly got a break all night. The first four hours consisted of me keeping an Alzheimer's patient from escaping and the nurses (he had 2 because 1 was training for the floor but was already an established nurse) waited until the charge nurse had to call security on the patient because he was getting aggressive. After they got him some Ativan I was floated to another floor to watch 4 patients. They were more or less spazzing out, having panic attacks, and asking for sleeping meds repeatedly from different staff members because the nurse had already exhausted his meds.
From that crazy night I went home, changed, then headed to school for a test. I thought I did okay until we took a group test so that we could see how we did and get a couple extra points towards our test grade. After we did that I figured out that I pretty much failed the test...
After class my friends dragged me to lunch at a place downtown because we had been planning to go out and catch up before I had been having a bad day. The food was okay but the conversation got weird because they asked about each other's relationships and then asked me how my roommate was "because that's the relationship I'm in right now". Their words, not mine. Good news, Beauty is planning her post-grad life with her boyfriend and likely soon-to-be fiance. Big Red is fixin' to get engaged once her boyfriend sells his motorcycle. Everybody's lives are moving on and people have such big plans and it's plain to see that I don't. I don't have a relationship, exciting life plans, or any other noteworthy conversational pieces to share. That's normal for me and I can typically cope with that until it's pointed out hundreds of times in a weekend by all the people I love.
So, when Beauty asked me if I was okay yesterday after lunch and today during class I said I was. I wanted to tell her no. I wanted to tell her that my depression is getting deeper and deeper. I want to explain what is going on in my head and the pain in my heart and the fact that life is such a struggle for me right now. I wanted to tell her, but she wouldn't understand. Therefore, it's simply easier to lie.
"Ya." - Me when I'm really thinking no.
My weekend went fine. On Friday I visited my old neighborhood and all my neighbors were hanging out watching football. They asked what my boyfriend's name was (just wondering if I had one) and I told them I tried having a bf for a little bit but decided that was a bad idea (in a joking manner). I was psycho-analyzed Saturday at shul then visited my Brother. He pretty much pointed out I am probably going to turn out to be a cat-lady which sucks because I'm allergic to cats so they would likely suffocate me in my sleep. Sunday went by without a hitch until I had to go to work. They called me off then called back 20 minutes later with a "Just kidding! We just decided we need you." Fan-frickin-tastic, I have a test tomorrow I need to study for!!! I hardly got a break all night. The first four hours consisted of me keeping an Alzheimer's patient from escaping and the nurses (he had 2 because 1 was training for the floor but was already an established nurse) waited until the charge nurse had to call security on the patient because he was getting aggressive. After they got him some Ativan I was floated to another floor to watch 4 patients. They were more or less spazzing out, having panic attacks, and asking for sleeping meds repeatedly from different staff members because the nurse had already exhausted his meds.
From that crazy night I went home, changed, then headed to school for a test. I thought I did okay until we took a group test so that we could see how we did and get a couple extra points towards our test grade. After we did that I figured out that I pretty much failed the test...
After class my friends dragged me to lunch at a place downtown because we had been planning to go out and catch up before I had been having a bad day. The food was okay but the conversation got weird because they asked about each other's relationships and then asked me how my roommate was "because that's the relationship I'm in right now". Their words, not mine. Good news, Beauty is planning her post-grad life with her boyfriend and likely soon-to-be fiance. Big Red is fixin' to get engaged once her boyfriend sells his motorcycle. Everybody's lives are moving on and people have such big plans and it's plain to see that I don't. I don't have a relationship, exciting life plans, or any other noteworthy conversational pieces to share. That's normal for me and I can typically cope with that until it's pointed out hundreds of times in a weekend by all the people I love.
So, when Beauty asked me if I was okay yesterday after lunch and today during class I said I was. I wanted to tell her no. I wanted to tell her that my depression is getting deeper and deeper. I want to explain what is going on in my head and the pain in my heart and the fact that life is such a struggle for me right now. I wanted to tell her, but she wouldn't understand. Therefore, it's simply easier to lie.
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