Let's Get Personal

I am a very quiet, private person. I love to listen and when you tell me something it remains confidential, even if what you tell me is just a personal opinion about your future wedding or something. I will keep this information confidential. While I enjoy listening to others talk, I do not talk much myself when I get the chance. I do not tell many people about my past and there are only a handful of people that have even a glimpse of how I used to be. It was bad. So, let's delve into my past shall we?

As I have said before, I grew up in church. I even when to a Christian school through fourth grade. Now, I was never really accepted, anywhere. No big deal, I just had a bunch of people I talked to, but no real friends. The people I did get close to, and they called me their "best friend", often ended up calling me fat or putting me down in various other ways. Let me tell you, I was chunky. But does that give a friend the right to compare her body to my body in the mirror, in front of fellow classmates (girls and boys!) and tell me I am fat? Does that give my so called friends the right to criticize my nose, or my figure in any way? Does that give my fourth grade teacher the right to point out that some people have "weight problems" and that she "has never been overweight in her life"? While I may have been chunky, I was in the healthy weight range for my age according to my doctor. Needless to say, I have had difficulties with people because those that are constant takers tend to latch onto me. They still do, I just know my boundaries now so they don't stick around too long.

So I grew up with all sorts of self esteem, friendship and personal issues. This lead me to be grateful to anyone willing to hang out with me. So I found K and M (I am only using their first initial to keep their privacy.) This was a huge mistake. K did a lot of crazy things. She got pregnant freshman year of high school and got an abortion, did a bunch of pranks, sneaking out at night. Just think of it, and there is a good chance she did it. M was an only child and K's best friend since forever ago. They grew up together. K was the leader and M did whatever K did. Somehow I got mixed up in the middle of this duo, creating an unstable trio. If one person was upset with someone, the trio became a duo and that happened a lot. With K, I started hating church even more than I already had. My mom still required me to go every sunday and wednesday, but I was miserable and she knew it. She just didn't know why. My youth pastor would ask what was wrong and I would say nothing. I began cursing, developing a worse depression and became suicidal.

I took part in a bunch of self-harm. I still have scars from scratching myself. I began taking tons of aspirin, ibuprofen and anything else that I could find in our medicine cabinet. At one point, I would take 40-50 pills right after school. While I was suicidal, I could never convince myself to do anything. G-d was protecting me. He never allowed me to get sick or be hospitalized. The worse thing that would happen is I would sleep for about 14-16 hours every night. From the time I got home until I had to get up for school, I just slept.

After several months of this, my mom sent me to youth camp with my church group. I rededicated my life to Yeshua, though I called Him Jesus at the time. I got baptized for the first time once I got back home that summer.  I was about 13 or 14. Ever since then, I still battle with depression, but it is never as bad as it was that year. I talk more with my parents about my struggles instead of keeping everything bottled up and I am wiser about who I hang out around. I am also wiser about how I let them treat me.

Now that you know some of my awful secrets, let me tell you what I am grateful for today. I am grateful that G-d did not give up on me, because He doesn't give up on us. I am so very thankful that the worst thing He allowed to happen to me through all of the suicide attempts, was I only fell asleep. G-d is merciful and gracious and I am so very thankful He protects me and gives me His Shalom!