Since you do not know me, and I do not know you, I am spilling my thoughts out onto "paper" (the internet) and I am being completely honest here. I do not understand attraction in the sense my peers and most everyone on this earth understands it. When I see a guy my friends thinks is "hot", I am not able to see it. I do not understand this beauty they obviously find in this persons appearance. When I have crushes, it is because I know the guy, have spent loads of time with him and now sense that he would somehow better my life if we were dating. I have never had a boyfriend though, but I am not upset about that. Though I am eighteen and never dated anyone, I do not think I have missed out on anything. For those of you who date, I am not apposed to dating. I just believe that knowing who I am without anyone else is good for me personally, but we are all living very different lives and G-d has different plans for us all.
With that said, the only aspect of beauty I understand is the mental and physiological processes behind being attracted to someone. These processes are fascinating to me! The fact that your pupils dilate, you release pheromones, and your sympathetic nervous system kicks in is all interesting because it is all based on a thought or sight of someone. And that someone you are attracted to often is able to subconsciously be aware that you are attracted to them because of the pheromones they pick up, and their brain recognizes that your pupils are dilated and a whole bunch of other stuff. It is also interesting that someone who is thought to be beautiful commonly has a certain type of facial symmetry that most people are able to understand and think is attractive. Why do I not have this? I am not sure, but I believe G-d has spared me from the problems that surely would have arisen for me from this. I believe He is protecting my heart from constant damage that crushes used to cause for me.
Why have I never dated anyone? It's not as though I have never had offers, I just declined them. There are actually two main stories that I will remember for a very long time. The first is about my best friend in grades six through eight. We did so much together and our siblings were the same age so they hung out a lot too and actually started dating for awhile. One night we were texting late at night, and he asked me if I liked him. First of all, I thought a rumor was going around that I had a crush on him, so I quickly denied that I did. Instead, I told him I like him as a friend and he was my best friend. After a very long break in the conversation, I asked him why he had asked me that. He revealed that he liked me as more than a friend. I didn't respond. That's how I lost my best friend. He stopped talking to me for a few months when I needed him the most because some of the girls at school were not being very nice and I was struggling with life so bad. He just got married a year ago, even though he and his wife were still in high school. They also just had a baby a couple weeks ago but they did it right, "first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage." It just sucks because he was one of the people I was closest to, but I had to find out about his marriage and child through Facebook when his sister posted pictures. It breaks my heart to think about him, but I am glad I did not date him because it would have truly broken me.
The other story is similar but quite different. I met this boy at shul (it's like church, but we call it congregation or shul) and he started texting me after we had known each other for a few months. He would text me all the time just asking me about life, so I would return the conversation and ask him about stuff in his life. This went on for a solid month or two. However, when we would see each other on Saturdays at shul, he would hardly talk to me, but he would be always fairly close by, at least within sight of me. One day, he texted me asking if I liked him. Now knowing how this worked from four years prior, I said, "I suppose so". Our conversations got more frequent, which I did not know was possible because it was a 24/7 thing anyway, but he found a way to text me more and with increasingly more uncomfortable texts. They weren't dirty, but just not conversations that I would normally have with girls much less some guy at shul! After another month of texting and the awkward encounters at shul, he asked me again if I liked him because he "hated" my ambiguous answer. Ya, he said that (in a text). Now, if you are a guy out there, DO NOT do this when asking a girl out or about her "feelings". Currently slightly aggravated, but masking the anger, I replied that I did not know. This did not stop this pressure he was putting on me, it just made it worse. After a day or so I finally answered him and told him about my best friend and why I would not and could not answer him. This led to nearly six months of awkwardness in a very small congregation (and our moms had a fight or two along the way, not about us, but it was weird)... At the end of this spell, he asked me to prom! What? We were hardly able to stand being in the same room because I was ashamed of some of the stuff he had said to me and I don't know what his deal was, but he asked me to prom just up and out of the blue. But I went and it was so weird. Just the two of us at dinner, he did not introduce me to any of his friends I just stood there with him as he talked. Then he wouldn't stay with his friends, he kept making sure it was just the two of us dancing, or talking or whatever. But he didn't talk much. Oh goodness, I was not super thrilled. I was glad to go and see what prom was about, but I will never go to anything like that again unless I am with a big group of friends or with my husband. Period.
Note to guys: DO NOT text girls if you are trying to pursue them in a dating relations ship!!! There is a saying, do not text a girls heart. Ya, don't do it. If you want to date a girl, do all the cute stuff we love. Hang out with us, get to know who we are and what we like to do, share about yourself, build a friendship with us and be awkward (don't try to be awkward, just let it happen because it is bound to happen, but we adore you for it!). Think of creative ways to celebrate our birthdays and allow us to show you ourselves with our friends present too. We want friendships with our future husbands and that is the reason for dating right? If, by the time you are our friend, you then begin to share your "feeling" and good intentions, and if you live the way we would like our husband to live, then there is a good chance you will have yourself the start of a beautiful relationship that could last the rest of your life with her. But be present in life, not just on the phone. (Being with us in person also allows for the pheromones to actually work and for you to see our dilated pupils and our blushing! Trust me, it is worth it to see her attracted to you.)
Note to girls: if a guy is carrying on a "clean" conversation with you in text or in person, but you are not comfortable with the content, do not be afraid to change the subject. If he still persists, he may need a clearer message and you should ask him to not talk about you or to you in such a manner. I wish I would have done this because you are not just protecting yourself, you are also allowing him to learn how to treat the next girl he may have a crush on. Help your sisters out and let's learn to respect and teach respect to each other (this goes for guys too).
My goodness, this is a long post, but I think it is important information that I was never taught but I think everyone needs to know these things. So please forgive me for my soapbox speech, but there may be more to come.
My thanksgiving for the day! I am thankful for the new friends I have made since moving out of my previous dorm room. I now have to be more self-reliant and I have to search people out more also because I am all alone in this room. That means no one to go to meals with, unless I text or plan with others. However, I have made some great, true friends that are helping this transition to be much easier. I am so blessed to have gotten a new room and so many friends surrounding me, supporting me and encouraging me through school and this new difficulty of dealing with upset former roommates. G-d has given me new people's company to enjoy, and also new people to impress with Yeshua's (Jesus') love. I am one very blessed girl!
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