Major Problems, HELP!

So, y'all know my stories about guys asking me out... over texts so far. These guys always do this stuff and just plumb blindside me! Well, seeing as you guys all know me so well, I need some help. It seems as though another guys is starting to develop a crush on me. Again, it's one of my super close guy friends and I just don't know what to do. I was doing fine, I was finally content being single and I am convinced I do not want a boyfriend until I am at least a junior or senior and no marriage until I graduate. Now, out of the blue, my friend started being sweet to me. Lets just go over what happened tonight:

So he asked if I wanted to go to dinner with him. This is not unusual because we live on campus and a bunch of us often text and plan meals together, so I thought it was just going to be a normal night. Turns out, he only asked me. Then at dinner, he asked what I was doing before he came over and got me, I told him I was working on chemistry. He responded with: "I think we have some chemistry goin' on right here!" It was in a joking voice, but something seems different. Then he came over to my room and hung out for awhile, which doesn't happen often, but is not super strange.

Please tell me I am just reading too much into this. He keeps giving me hugs, which is actually really strange because he knows I hate hugs, but he says he is trying to melt my heart. Oh gosh, I can't do this! He knows my stories about the guys that have asked me out over text and asked me if he asked me out in person what I would say. I told him I didn't know and changed the subject really fast. Guys, I can't lose another friend this way. What is it that I'm doing wrong to ruin all of these friendships because they develop a crush? Maybe I need to get some medicine to stop my pheromones or something.

On the plus side, it seems like we may have a snow day tomorrow... AT COLLEGE!!! It's like a blizzard outside and I have heard forecasts of snow from 3-9 inches, but we are already at 3 inches and it is coming down so thick that I cannot hardly see lights 30-50 yards away, though they would normally be super clear.

Daily thanksgiving: I am thankful for my friends. I am thankful that G-d has saved my heart and myself from getting too hurt and for keeping me from boyfriend relationships. I am also thankful for the snow. Snow reminds me of the way G-d washes all our sins away and starts again with a fresh slate. When the snow melts, the dirt just drains off with the water and the earth is "cleaner" than it was before with each snow storm. I am also thankful for G-d's provisions and answer to prayers, He will show me what to do. Funny how this is the biggest dilemma I am currently faced with even though I am taking A&P, chem, and psych (3 sciences) and I am trying to get into nursing school. But, Ad-nai is faithful, and so very kind and He works all things for the good of those who love Him. He is my love, He is my husband and the only one I will ever be able to fully rely on.

Wonderful Work Day! Who knew it could be fun?

Oh man, I had the best day yesterday! I was behind, and I am still super green. Plus I always feel so bad for the people that have to work with me because I get so behind, but I got to work with my favorite CNA yesterday! She used to be a biology teacher, but now she is a CNA while she goes back to school for nursing. This lady is a true blessing. She lets me learn on my own and she explains all the tricks and tips she has picked up over the years from working there. Most CNA's just do everything for you when you are new, that is really not good because then you don't get to develop your own rhythm and method for everything. So even though I had a tough day and I got us an hour behind, I learned so much and really enjoyed my day at work. That's a first, normally I go home exhausted and on the verge of breaking down. It gets so bad, I often wonder what I was thinking becoming a CNA and I want to quit even though I have only been there a month. It's a really hard, demanding job, but it is one that is truly satisfying. Plus, I have the best "work mama" (that's what I call this amazing CNA) a new CNA could ask for, she has truly taken me under her wing and is so very gracious to me in this learning experience.

So, my thanksgiving today is that G-d allowed me to meet my new work mama. She makes me not be so homesick, she makes work enjoyable and I just can't say enough about how great she is. I am truly blessed to have such incredible people that G-d puts into my life!

AHHHHHHHH!

 Today was NUTS at work. We had a digger, who also fell. First she dug out the solid contents of her disposable undergarments, then decided to have a little art session. Then, she somehow ended up on the floor from her wheelchair. Another lady, also in a wheelchair, would not stand up when she asked to use the bathroom, so she decided to sit on the floor also. The second lady did not fall, and we are not entirely sure if the first patient fell for sure. But it was crazy. Both incidences happened withing ten minutes of each other. Plus, I was the only CNA on the unit because we only have 2 CNA's per unit (max of 16 patients per floor) and I am brand-new. Now, I am not a crier, especially in front of others, but I almost lost it at work. But folks, we have the sweetest RN's and LPN's ever. They have made it so that I can survive work because work turns into a battle field when I get there. I do not know what it is about me, but the residents go wild. It's days like this that I wonder why I am a CNA, I wanted to become an EMT. However, I was trying to be concurrently enrolled in high school and I was too young for EMT classes. But I think these lessons are better learned now that when I become an RN with my BSN. It will be a tough road and I will constantly be learning, but this is the road G-d has allowed me to go down and I will take what He sends my way.

Daily Thanksgiving: Today, we had an awesome meeting at work. We talked about state compliance with safety procedures or something like that, which sounds boring but all we really did was practice using a "Hoyer" life, a "Sit-to-Stand" lift and a gait belt on our supervisors. This brought me back to the fun we had in CNA school doing this stuff to each other. I am thankful for the fun that we had at the meeting, the "ice-breaking" it allowed, and also my amazing supervisors! I have never been so thankful for LPN's and RN's that are so genuinely kind, gracious and understanding of how hard being a CNA is. I have heard stories of how RN's treat their CNA's, but at my facility, they are the kindest people I have ever had the pleasure of working with. Along with the relationships with the patients, these LPN's and RN's make it worth while to come to work. I don't care a lot about the paycheck, just let me watch this amazing nursing staff do what they do best.

*Disclaimer: I have not told the names of the patients or facility and I have slightly fudged on the events that took place to maintain patient confidentiality. No HIPAA rules broken.*

Does anyone else have horror stories from brutal days at work? Does anyone else have stories about amazing nursing staff or coworkers in general? Please share, I would love to hear them!

On My Own

Nights one and two in my new room were a success! I "confronted" (really just talked to) my former suite mates about the issues we were having before I moved out. Then at the end of that conversation I told them I was moving out that night. I think they were shocked.  Directly after I told them, I started packing and took a load up to my new room. When I got back, all three of them were standing around talking. It was one of those moments I knew they were talking about what I had just unloaded on them, but I didn't care. I was so stinkin' happy! So I did a couple more loads and one roommate comes over to me as I was packing and asked for the keys to my room. (Now, I am living on campus and had my own separate bedroom in a suite of four people and we shared the bathroom. Therefore I had keys and could lock my room door even when I was gone.) Turns out they don't care I left, they just want the extra bed for when one of the girls' boyfriends come over to spend the night! I think it is rather funny. You know how in movies the parents make great plans for the kid's room once they leave for college? Ya, they started making plans the second I told them I was leaving! They wanted it for storage and a guest bedroom. I am just glad they did not get angry and start yelling at me or crying or something. I don't deal with peers or adults crying very well, unless they are sick, or hurt or something (not just because they are angry and want me to feel bad).

This brings me to my thanksgiving. I am extremely thankful that I can now study without earplugs (my external auditory canals were beginning to become inflamed. Sorry about the sudden anatomy and phys language, I just took the test about ears last night). I am grateful for my own bathroom so I do not have to wake up ridiculously early just to get a shower because they only plan around their schedule. Now I can live on MY own schedule!!! I have peace and quiet, and study time and more room. (Please forgive the possible sentence faux pas that I think is there, but not entirely sure about.) G-d even blessed me with a huge window, a big room and a really nice view. Normally, to get a room all alone like mine, there are not many big windows, and they are usually all taken. But Ad-nai blessed me with my choice of the room and with more than I had even expected. If you are going through struggles or need something, ask G-d for it. Tell Him exactly what you want. If it is in His will for you, you will get it. It may take longer than you thought it would. (For me it seems that whenever I need something, He waits until the last minute for it to become available. But through that, I know it is nothing I did, only what He is doing.) And, as time goes by your desires will better match what His will for you is. I have this thought/theory about how G-d answers prayers. He obviously knows what all will happen throughout time. He also knows everything about us, even what we will pray. I think he plants desires (not every desire, but quite a few of them that are parallel to what His Word says about what is right and such). When we realize or receive this desire, we then start asking Him for what we want/need. Then, He answers the prayers and petitions that we have brought to Him for this thing that we were asking for. As we see prayers answered, our faith grows tremendously. I don't know if this is a true theory, but I believe it is a "G-d thought" and I have seen Him work through this process time and time again throughout my life.

Moving On!

So I got approved for my dorm room change today! That means I can move out of my toxic living environment, into one of peace and solitude (only by choice). My praise today is the fact that I got approved for the room that I wanted, my first choice in fact. Now I just have to inform my roommates of me moving out. Then just get through the next 3.5 years where they will likely be in the nursing program, and therefore ALL of my classes from here on out... Oh, how I will need strength, grace and love in these next years! L-rd willing that I get into the nursing program at this university. I have heard it is one of the top nursing programs in the state and even in the country!

Let's Get Personal

I am a very quiet, private person. I love to listen and when you tell me something it remains confidential, even if what you tell me is just a personal opinion about your future wedding or something. I will keep this information confidential. While I enjoy listening to others talk, I do not talk much myself when I get the chance. I do not tell many people about my past and there are only a handful of people that have even a glimpse of how I used to be. It was bad. So, let's delve into my past shall we?

As I have said before, I grew up in church. I even when to a Christian school through fourth grade. Now, I was never really accepted, anywhere. No big deal, I just had a bunch of people I talked to, but no real friends. The people I did get close to, and they called me their "best friend", often ended up calling me fat or putting me down in various other ways. Let me tell you, I was chunky. But does that give a friend the right to compare her body to my body in the mirror, in front of fellow classmates (girls and boys!) and tell me I am fat? Does that give my so called friends the right to criticize my nose, or my figure in any way? Does that give my fourth grade teacher the right to point out that some people have "weight problems" and that she "has never been overweight in her life"? While I may have been chunky, I was in the healthy weight range for my age according to my doctor. Needless to say, I have had difficulties with people because those that are constant takers tend to latch onto me. They still do, I just know my boundaries now so they don't stick around too long.

So I grew up with all sorts of self esteem, friendship and personal issues. This lead me to be grateful to anyone willing to hang out with me. So I found K and M (I am only using their first initial to keep their privacy.) This was a huge mistake. K did a lot of crazy things. She got pregnant freshman year of high school and got an abortion, did a bunch of pranks, sneaking out at night. Just think of it, and there is a good chance she did it. M was an only child and K's best friend since forever ago. They grew up together. K was the leader and M did whatever K did. Somehow I got mixed up in the middle of this duo, creating an unstable trio. If one person was upset with someone, the trio became a duo and that happened a lot. With K, I started hating church even more than I already had. My mom still required me to go every sunday and wednesday, but I was miserable and she knew it. She just didn't know why. My youth pastor would ask what was wrong and I would say nothing. I began cursing, developing a worse depression and became suicidal.

I took part in a bunch of self-harm. I still have scars from scratching myself. I began taking tons of aspirin, ibuprofen and anything else that I could find in our medicine cabinet. At one point, I would take 40-50 pills right after school. While I was suicidal, I could never convince myself to do anything. G-d was protecting me. He never allowed me to get sick or be hospitalized. The worse thing that would happen is I would sleep for about 14-16 hours every night. From the time I got home until I had to get up for school, I just slept.

After several months of this, my mom sent me to youth camp with my church group. I rededicated my life to Yeshua, though I called Him Jesus at the time. I got baptized for the first time once I got back home that summer.  I was about 13 or 14. Ever since then, I still battle with depression, but it is never as bad as it was that year. I talk more with my parents about my struggles instead of keeping everything bottled up and I am wiser about who I hang out around. I am also wiser about how I let them treat me.

Now that you know some of my awful secrets, let me tell you what I am grateful for today. I am grateful that G-d did not give up on me, because He doesn't give up on us. I am so very thankful that the worst thing He allowed to happen to me through all of the suicide attempts, was I only fell asleep. G-d is merciful and gracious and I am so very thankful He protects me and gives me His Shalom!

Peace

After a couple months last semester, and several weeks this semester of roommate drama, G-d has given me peace. It's this peace that surpasses understanding, just like the verse says. I know these problems are far from over, but He gave me joy in the storm. Even though I cannot yet see the light at the end of the tunnel, He has still provided me with a firm place to stand, happiness and a breath of fresh air. Today, I am grateful for the calming presence of the L-rd in my life. He is my rock, my life and my absolute love. He is all I need. Every time I have heartache, He brings me back to this point of realizing He is all I need. Once I finally realize this, He provides me with this weightless feeling. He envelopes me in love and gives me His shalom.

Ahhh, now that that is off my chest and I have shared my piece of life I am thankful for today, let's talk about nursing school. Technically it is pre-nursing school... but nobody is going to say that every time they talk about their college career. Right now, I am taking intro to organic chem, anatomy and phys 2, english and psych. I love these classes! I adore my english teacher and that makes me like the class. Normally, I despise english because I do not understand it. It is my first language, but I cannot understand what makes writing good. It's fuzzy logic for me. My strong suits have always been science and math. So the fact that I have 3 sciences this semester, makes life a lot easier. So, as of yet, school is enjoyable. I will update next week after my two anatomy tests in one week. And then again the following week after my chem and psych tests are done. Seem like a ton of tests? Ya, it is. But G-d will get me through, He always does!

Positivity

So, this blog is about nursing school. Inevitably, there will be some complaining, some rantings, ravings and negative comments about life in general. However, we are not called to be negative creatures. G-d wants us to be grateful for the many blessings and acts He does for us. So, I would like to try something new. I am going to try to start naming at least one thing in life that I am grateful for in each post. It is usually random things, but still things I thank G-d for when I am talking with Him. By doing this though, I hope I can help you, the reader, start to notice more of the little miracles or loving acts that G-d puts in your life. In the past, I was super negative and it seems that that comes through in the writing more than I would like it to. That is likely because these negative things are on my heart when they really should not be. Also, when I started doing this a few years ago, I noticed my outlook on life became more positive and now every little blessing is so much more obvious and clear to me.

Today, I am grateful for the many trials I have had to endure. This may seem negative at first, but I assure you I am truly grateful to have learned what I already have learned about myself and others. These lessons make today's trials so much more manageable! Due to these problems and the lessons I have learned, I can now have Shalom, peace, in the midst of this storm. They also show G-d loves me and us so very much. He allows us to go through struggles in order to kick out the bad and evil habits that we form. He is shaping us into who we need to be in order to meet Him. I am so very excited for that day when I can stand before Ad-nai and Yeshua and basque in their presence. This life is not for us. This life is to prepare us for forever, for G-d's presence and also to fulfill G-d's ultimate plans.

He also gave us a beautiful day. For February, when it should be snowing and gloomy, we have short-sleeve weather, sunshine and a gorgeous view of hand-shaped mountains covered in snow. "This is the day that the L-rd has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it!"

LPN?

So lately, I have been talking to some of the LPN's at work about getting my certification. I have heard that after my second or third year of nursing school (when I am a sophomore or junior), I may be able to sit for the LPN exam. Has anyone tried this or done anymore research on this subject?

Speaking of work, does anyone know when the "full moon effect" stops acting on residents? Hopefully you read my post a few days ago about my insane day at work. Well, it has not settled down. Thankfully, my first two weeks just happened to be when the residents were all ridiculously calm. But now it seems like everything is going wrong, in the crazy way, and not just at work. I will explain more someday, but right now I do not believe I have the proper mindset to fully explain the situation as unbiasedly as I can (even though I am in the middle of the whole situation). Needless to say, I am hoping to move out into another dorm room. This seems to have happened to a lot of people in dorms across the world. There are just so many personalities and there cannot be too many big, differing personalities in the same vicinity 24/7. I do not even have a big personality, but I still cannot handle this situation.

These are times when I am frustrated at life, but also very glad for Ad-nai. I know that even though this seems like a really bad season for me, but I am able to feel. While I am walking around "blind" (of my life purpose), I am not walking around in autopilot. Even though I hurt most days, I know G-d is working on me. It reminds me of that verse that says something like: A father disciplines the son(s) he loves. I may be getting disciplined or I may just be going through growing pains. Either way, G-d lets me go through enough to grow and become stronger while not letting me break. He is absolutely AMAZING! This is one of those really real moments where after the current struggle is through, the love of G-d is a giddy, new boyfriend/girlfriend type of love and infatuation. This is the type of relationship that gets me excited and unable to contain my joy, even in the midst of such sorrow and pain. So, whether I am to be an LPN or not, He will decide and direct my path. Whether I am to be a nurse, midwife, actual wife, a mother or any variety of life roles, only He will decide and direct my path. I walk this life blind for the most part, but one thing I do know is: My life is for G-d. Whatever I do I need to love G-d with all of my heart, soul, strength and might. Also, in doing so, I need to love my neighbor as myself. This is how we walk out life in this dark, dark world.

Complacency

Do any of you ever get complacent? In your job, at home, with your friends, with G-d? (I put a dash in G-d, btw, out of reverence for His name. This is a show of honor, not disrespectful or anything.)

Well, I do. It seems I go through seasons where I can be really into everything. Colors are brighter, I laugh and am happy all the time and G-d seems to be right here because I am drawing closer to Him. Lately, I have hit a rut. Oh, how I dislike being in ruts. Maybe it is just because school is starting again and I just started a new job? I don't know, but it is quite an uncomfortable place to be, ironically enough. I do not like being complacent because it means I am not growing. It means I just show up somewhere, at the time I should be there and go through the motions. I like when I am learning and growing and experiencing different things about life. Often times, this means being highly uncomfortable, but in a very different way. I love to learn, and experience life the way G-d wanted us to.

In all honesty, I know this complacent season is my fault. I have put G-d on a back burner when He deserves the whole stove, my whole life. Yet He has grace, and has made me aware of the problem so that I can fix it. I love His grace! I still kinda feel bad though because He is so incredible, and I am nothing. Who am I to put Him into a corner or on a back burner? Still, He gives me peace even if I want to feel bad for not acknowledging Him the way I ought to. His mercy and grace abounds, covering all of our sins and bringing Shalom (peace, relational wholeness; look up all meaning of Shalom, it may blow your mind there are so many meanings).