Permission to Speak

Does anyone else have days when you wish you weren't aloud to speak because what you say is just kinda random and out of place? I have that kind of day nearly every day. I think it's because I zone out, or cannot hear someone during the conversation. I then proceed to "add" to the conversation, but end up looking like a fool because what I say is totally off topic and random. Sometimes, I think it would be nice if I had a muzzle and was not allowed to talk without a review board looking over every word I plan to say before a sound is uttered from my lips. By the time the statement is processed, it would still be off topic because the conversation would have moved on by then... I am just a slow thinker, which comes in really unfortunate when I try to be witty or when I am trying to make my argument face-to-face with someone because I think of what to say hours or even days later. When I bring up the conversation again, they look at me like I'm nuts and they probably wonder why they are my friend in the first place. Whatever, I make myself laugh and I know I could have won the argument!

Recently I watched a sermon on YouTube from a Messianic Rabbi. He was talking about gossip, slanderous speech, and other things I am very guilty of (including listening to music that is not of G-d, which came out of no-where but was something G-d was already talking to me about).  Most of these things had to do with the need to control our tongue, it was very interesting and touched my heart profoundly. Isn't it crazy how Ad-nai impressing things upon our hearts, then goes on to reinforce His message in a bunch of seemingly unrelated ways. That's when I know He is talking to me most times, because the same lesson and solution keep coming up in most/all aspects of my life. This controlling my tongue thing is really tough. I have made it a point to try to not slander people, and I have been really working on that for a couple years. But I have learned I still gossip and contribute to the gossiping nature in others, even just by letting them vent. While they are venting, however, there may be some personal attacks or other things said that are not life-promoting words. When this happens, and I do not speak life about the person being gossiped or talked about, it is causing damage to them because of the power in words. This power reaches beyond the emotional hurt someone may feel when the news gets back to them, it really seems to be a way Satan spreads his mischief in this world. So, I need accountability partners. If you comment or email me, I can give you the link to the video I watched, it was really powerful. But I need help. I need to be able to be told when I am talking poorly about others. Even talking about my residents and the CNA's that help train me with anything less of complete respect is wrong of me to do. I should be speaking life about them and over them. We should be speaking life about everyone and if there is no life or good things to be said... then nothing should be said at all. So, is there anyone out there willing to help keep me accountable for my speech?

Daily Thanksgiving: Today got warmer. I had an easy day and I also got to spend time with my friends. Nothing big, but even when we do not see anything "big" happen in our lives, G-d is still working miracles, He just hasn't shown them to us yet. I also got to go to lunch with my nursing mentor, who is also my mentor for youth group/Bible study here on campus. I don't know what to call it, but it is like youth group. I am so thankful for her kindness. It is not easy to be friends with me sometimes, just because I am not great at keeping conversations going (though I really do try) and I need more time alone than the average person, so people think I am antisocial. Friends really do make me happy, I just need smaller, less frequent doses than most other people. But she has really been persistent and G-d is teaching me so much through her, not just about nursing school or my relationship with Him. He is teaching me how to branch out and show who He is in more aspects of my life.