I listened to the World...

Let's take just a moment to realize all that the L-rd does for us and all that He leads us through. He has led me through countless months of depression, episodes of anxiety, stressful exam weeks, bad grades, doubt, illness/injuries, bad friendships, and so much more that I can't even recall at this point. Not to mention, He is constantly working in ways that we may never be able to see. He protects us, lets us make little mistakes and then fixes them or teaches us to live with the consequences. He blesses us with circumstances to learn from, faith building opportunities, and even times when the blessings aren't in disguise. Oh how I long for some more "see-able" blessings, but I know they are there even when I am so self-involved I am unable to notice them all around.

Now, let's talk advice. I'm not going to shell any out. Let's just discuss where we get our advice from. I would like to tell myself that I listen to G-d for advice. In reality, I call my parents to ask them. I then take their input and compare it to what my friends say. Then, I weigh my options and take that back to my parents. This, of course, must be discussed with the social circle again and maybe even on Facebook. By the end of the decision making spiral, I'm past the point to make the decision and no conclusion has been decided upon.

Guess what happens when I actually do make a decision using this method. You're probably right, it turns out VERY BADLY!!! Actually, it can often result in catastrophic issues. Well, y'all know I exaggerate slightly, right? I do. This catastrophic occurrence may be fixable, but it is darn near impossible to fix without G-d taking over my whole mess. His grace and love have fixed my life more times than I can even imagine.

Why do I do this? I know that my life will be in all sorts of shambles when I use this decision making process, but I cannot convince myself to just take it to Him to begin with.

I keep listening to the World lately. That's why I bring this up. My World even includes my mom, trusted family friends, mentors, and other people I considered wise and trusted. However, it is not their fault that my life is currently more than I can handle. Yes, they gave me foolish advice but G-d had told me years ago what I needed to do. I made the dumbest decision and went against that. Now my bad decisions are causing me multiple panic attacks a day (I had 5 in one 3 hour class), I am stressed to the max, my focus is non-existent (which is really like being in the negatives because it didn't exist before), and I'm angry all the time. Most of this anger is at myself for being such a foolish girl and the rest of it is pure sinful anger at nothing at all. I'm quickly spiraling into a worse and worse situation.

Regardless of this mess I'm still digging myself into, G-d gives me moments of peace when I choose to go to Him for protection, grace, calm, relief and Shalom. He knows I screwed up. He also knows how this whole thing will end and how to get me through it. His love abounds and it is completely unfathomable. My mind is blown at how Great, Awesome, Wonderful, Loving, Merciful, Gracious, Incredible, and *insert more/better adjectives for G-d here* Ad-nai truly is. In the midst of my terrible store, I am filled with love and calm. This is especially amazing because I don't even feel this calm and peaceful when I'm not going through "Life's Storms" (or the storms I create for myself).

Praise the L-rd for His forgiveness and patience! Praise the L-rd simply because He is who He is despite who we are.

Rejuvinated

Shabbat Shalom!

Today I went to shul (congregation), for the first time in a month and it was so good. G-d let the worship team sing some of my all-time favorite songs and I found out that I will be done with school by their Shavuot celebration so I get to dance with the dance team!!! I have missed dancing so much, and I didn't even do it all that much. But for some reason, it gets out in physical form what I want to do when worshiping. I can't really explain it, but oh how I love to dance! Only Davidic dancing, not slow dancing or prom dancing or anything, only the stuff for worship. Do me a favor and look up Davidic dancing or messianic worship dancing, or something about Hebrew dances or anything like that. Truly, if more churches danced the way David did, I think we would be better at expressing ourselves and our love for G-d because it doesn't matter what we look like, so long as we are giving G-d praise with every fiber, cell, atom of our being. Also, every since I saw Prince of Egypt by Dreamworks, I wanted to dance like they danced at that dinner party. Now I do! You have no idea how excited I was when I first went to our congregation and realized I could potentially dance like they danced.

Anyway, it was an excellent Shabbat. G-d made a lot of stuff a whole lot  clearer, I am on my way to getting right with Him and I pray that He will handle my life. Lately, I have been trying to figure life out which always gets me into trouble. I need to rely solely on Him, because when I do, He allows everything else to fall into place and He even improves my grades when I focus on Him and not necessarily on school. Foolish me, I had to try to drive the car of my life again. Unfortunately, I don't think I will ever be able to fully relinquish all of my life for the rest of my life, without trying to take control of stuff again, because I'm human. By the time He is in full control, I will likely be home with Him. But, for right now, I have Shalom. This peace that I have not felt in such a long time, and joy; both came over me today in worship and it was like a cold drink of water on a scorching hot day. A cool, sweet breeze in the midst of hot, muggy weather. My worries are at rest tonight and my brain is free for the first time in months. Life is never too much for G-d to handle and He performs miracles, some that we don't even see, every day. He is to incredible, gracious, holy, mighty and gentle.

Daily Thanksgiving: I was able to go to shul and dance today. I found out I get to be home for Shavuot (more on what that is to come). G-d provides me with the desires of my heart like dancing, the songs I love, and so much more. He has given me peace and rest from the worries and anxiety I bring on myself. He is so great and merciful and amazing. I had a wonderful day. Also, he brought me home safe and He brought me back to school safely!

Continuation

I tried to find a word different than update because it seems I use that word ("update") in a lot of my blog titles... so I chose continuation, but it doesn't really make sense...

Anywho, I haven't done a whole lot with my day. I went to English without my completed paper, but my teacher didn't seem to care. Then I had chem lab and I got so embarrassed! So my lab partner and I are always the last people because we are always messing around and talking. Then my lab instructor came over to see if we were doing alright and they started joking around about how funny it would be if I ever cursed anybody out or yelled at them because I have a fairly high-pitched, soft voice. I turned all sorts of red! Then I got redder because I was embarrassed that I was blushing which made the whole situation worse. Whatever, it was pretty funny. Now I am the Hulk with an anger problem in chem lab... Haha, at least we have a good time.

Also, I got to work-out today!!! I ran for a whole 5 minutes and burned about 250 calories by running that little bit and walking. That's not bad. I know it takes a whole lot more calorie burning to actually lose weight, but I just do cardio to burn energy so I can sleep better and do something besides sit in my room. Maybe tomorrow I will conquer the stair stepper, or probably an elliptical first because stairs kill and I need to climb 2600+ stairs to start to train for the stair hike. That's a lot of stairs! But, I have rarely had goals that I actually go through on, but I really want to do this so that I am not the slowest person who keeps their whole group waiting for an hour. It's also good because I used to be the chubby kid in class. I was called fat repeatedly by different groups of kids in different grades and schools. Now, for the first time I am comfortable (kind of) with where I am and I am finally starting to enjoy exercise, not as a weight loss campaign that I get on a month before the pool opens, but as something that makes me feel good. Nobody is pushing me but myself and if I want to run, I run. If I just want to talk, that's all I do. This is a big step for me because I usually resist exercise because I was forced onto diets as an elementary and middle school student because I hated the way I looked. G-d is showing me the beauty in my curves and He is also teaching me to eat healthy to keep this body healthy because it is His body, I just rent it while I'm here on earth.

Daily Thanksgiving: All my tests are done for this week and I am now on the weekend! I got a volunteer opportunity with a faith-based medical clinic and I will get to work, hopefully, as a CNA in a clinical setting! I got to work-out and I ran today. Also, I probably could have run longer than 5 minutes which is big for me because I don't run (normally). G-d is showing me the beauty in this body he created. I have an amazing lab partner and a great chem lab instructor. Regardless of the cold weather that has come in and the bad feelings about my tests, I am having a great week. I have Shalom and joy, true joy that only comes from the Father. Tomorrow I get to go apartment shopping with my old roommate who is going to be my roommate again next year! I get to live with the girl that I got along with when I was in my dorm suite (before I moved out).

Update from Yesterday

Yesterday was fairly uneventful. I studied a bit, procrastinated a lot, stressed over my next week of a million tests, a quiz and a paper. Then I went to eat with my mom and brother. When I got back, I played football with my friends, and even a bunch of friends I haven't hung out with since last semester but I miss them so badly.

By the way, mema didn't end up coming yesterday. She had a tough day at work and was exhausted so she didn't want to drive the 8 hours to get here. I was really bummed, but I want her to be able to rest when she needs it. Also, I need her to be well-rested before she makes that long trip so she doesn't crash. So it was just my mom and my brother who came down to see me. We went out to dinner and had a great time. I so miss my brother. Lately he has been not so nice to me, likely because he is 17 and getting a large dose of testosterone. By the way, I do not approve of this sudden change guys tend to have because they can be nice one day and totally cruel and mean the next... Anyway, he was more like how I remember him being when we were super close, so that was awesome. My mom is just amazing always. I was wanting to talk to her about my problems, but my brother was there, so I ended up calling her once I knew she had made it home from the hour and a half drive to get to me. The L-rd gave her words to say. She knows me so well because G-d knows me so well and I believe she listens to G-d. Her wisdom was so soothing and comforting because when my mentors are telling me to go against my strong boundaries (even though they are women of the same faith as me), my mom understands my boundaries and my ways of protecting my heart. She also knows how bad it hurts to not have those boundaries, which is also why I developed the strange and seemingly silly ones that I did.

Her story: She came from an abusive family. Once she got out, she made her way. She went to beauty school to have a better paying job than some others. She apprenticed for a really long time. Then she started going to school for nursing. The school had originally denied her, but she convinced them to let her in on probation. At this school, prereques were two years and clinicals were two years. She got done with the first two years and got accepted into clinicals (proving she was a good choice by fighting to get in), then she got pregnant with me and had to drop out before she started clinicals. She probably could have gone to school with me being an infant, but she didn't want me to have substandard care and she didn't want to leave me. To this day, she is still a hairdresser. My father and my mom married at the end of the month I was born in and they are still married to this day. But before she had me, she had been through so many dating relationships and some were even abusive because she didn't know she could have boundaries.

Now her story is a part of me. I am finishing nursing school to complete her dreams and to convince her to go back to school with me. Her story saddens me because it seems like it's my fault she could not finish. She wanted to be a nurse so that she could travel the world with missionaries and spread the love of Jesus (she was Christian then, which isn't really different than what we are now, but I just wanted to explain the name choice here...). I know that she can do it. I also know that it was in G-d's plans for life to turn out this way. Also, I know that the thought that this was my fault is from the Adversary (Satan).

So, to avoid any of this for me, I installed boundaries. Carefully thought through and discussed with Abba (means Father), the Creator of myself and everything, ever. These boundaries seem outlandish and too complicated, but G-d can make anything happen and if He has chosen a man for me, then that man will have to be talking to G-d in order to figure out how to get to my heart. Until then (if that should ever happen), G-d holds my heart completely. Even once I am married, G-d will hold my heart and all of my love because He loved me first and He is the only one who will never let me down.


Daily Thanksgiving: I have strengthened my resolve to do what I figured needed to be done. G-d has given me clarity. Through my mom, G-d gave me strong, solid words of wisdom as to how I should handle this mess I have gotten myself into. Yesterday, I got to spend time with my mom and brother, friends I have not seen in a really long time, and also with my friends I hang out with a lot. Guys, I have loads of friends! True friends that care about me, not about what I can do for them. My mema is safe at home. I studied yesterday. I got a couple new shirts... Most of all I have Shalom (peace) in my heart. Also, I have started getting right with G-d. He opened up our communication line that I had packed with things of this world, and He is talking to me loud and clear (metaphorically speaking, I don't really here an audible voice because I would pee my pants...)

What to do...

So, since I am working on not gossiping, am I able to talk to you about my friends and family? For instance, when I was talking about the guys that have asked me out, and my friend who may have a "thing" for me. Am I able to talk about that kinda stuff?

I really need some input on this because I do not know what to do. Most likely, you do not know who I am talking about, and I do not use names so it's not like you can go back to whoever I am talking about or start rumors. However, I am still giving you the run-down of my life which includes the juicy little tidbits that happen to me throughout the day. The definition of gossip I got from Google is: "Casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true." All of these reports are true, I experienced them firsthand but that does not mean these subjects are okay from G-d's point of view.. I really need to read up on what the Bible says about gossip and pray about it so that I can make a Biblical stand on what I talk about and what I keep to myself. More to come soon...

On a different note, I turned in my Intent to Apply form for nursing school! It's kinda silly you have to turn in a form saying you are planning on applying because they will know when you apply. It also makes sense though so they can get you file set-up and make sure you are doing everything you need to be doing. My school usually has a couple hundred students apply to the nursing program each semester (you can apply in the spring for fall, or fall for spring). The problem is, there are only about 30-40 clinical spots each year. That makes me nervous. Well, it should, but I have this overwhelming peace about it. That doesn't mean I am certain I will get into this program, though I sure do hope I do! I simply have peace because I know that whatever happens, G-d has ultimate control and He will allow what is best for me to happen. Thus, His plans prevail and all the glory will be to His name. The whole system is beautiful really.

Also, I get to go home tomorrow! It's my mom's birthday this weekend and I am going home to make her some dinner, bake some challah (try it, it's good), and relax with my family and my dog. I cannot wait!

*When you try challah, make sure it is a sweet kind and homemade if possibly so that you can add honey and/or sugar to it yourself. The kind they have at Einstein's is mini, and absolutely adorable, but it's not usually sweet. Also, try the cinnamon raisin kind that is typically made for Rosh Hashannah, it is absolutely delicious!*

Two Tests, One Week

Shabbat Shalom! I know it is the end of Shabbat (Sabbath), but I have not gotten to say that to anyone this Shabbat and that is one of my favorite things to do. I seriously look forward to that all week, that's how exciting my life is. Any-who...

In college, it just so happens that every class has a test has to be taken within the same week as every other test, that's just how it works. So I had two tests this week, both for A&P with only 2-4 hours to study for each one. This is because I got notification of my room change Monday and you only get 48 hours to move everything. G-d kept me from failing them completely though. I got a B on the lecture exam and a C on the lab practical, which really bums me out. Next week, I get to take 2 more tests! (That was sarcasm, it doesn't translate through writing very well.) At least they are for classes I understand, psych and chem. Well, I think I understand them, until I get my test and grades back.

In brighter news, I went to a Rotic party. Ya, sounds weird right? It was so fun! They named it Rotic because it is romantic without the "man". Only girls were invited, many of us single, and all of us got to be goofy and girly together. We decorated cupcakes and watched a movie. So, even though I despise Valentine's Day (it would take too long to explain here), I had a blast at this VD themed party with amazing girls. We even passed out Valentine's like we were back in grade school!

Daily Thanksgiving: Today I am thankful for Shabbat. I love that I relax, don't work, don't study, don't buy stuff. I just sleep and take it easy. This is such an amazing change from the craziness of the entire week that I don't know how I ever lived without observing it. I am also thankful for the amazing friends G-d has put into my life. Finally I am meeting people that share many of my same quirks. I have never met so may genuinely kind people before. This is so refreshing after the problems with my roommates and other girls in the past. These girls get me! They crochet, knit, watch the same redneck t.v. shows I do, they were raised in the same way I was and they have lived lives so much like mine it's kinda scary. I am also very thankful for you. Yes, you. I do not know who you are, but you have been put on earth for a reason and you have stumbled across this blog for a reason.

On My Own

Nights one and two in my new room were a success! I "confronted" (really just talked to) my former suite mates about the issues we were having before I moved out. Then at the end of that conversation I told them I was moving out that night. I think they were shocked.  Directly after I told them, I started packing and took a load up to my new room. When I got back, all three of them were standing around talking. It was one of those moments I knew they were talking about what I had just unloaded on them, but I didn't care. I was so stinkin' happy! So I did a couple more loads and one roommate comes over to me as I was packing and asked for the keys to my room. (Now, I am living on campus and had my own separate bedroom in a suite of four people and we shared the bathroom. Therefore I had keys and could lock my room door even when I was gone.) Turns out they don't care I left, they just want the extra bed for when one of the girls' boyfriends come over to spend the night! I think it is rather funny. You know how in movies the parents make great plans for the kid's room once they leave for college? Ya, they started making plans the second I told them I was leaving! They wanted it for storage and a guest bedroom. I am just glad they did not get angry and start yelling at me or crying or something. I don't deal with peers or adults crying very well, unless they are sick, or hurt or something (not just because they are angry and want me to feel bad).

This brings me to my thanksgiving. I am extremely thankful that I can now study without earplugs (my external auditory canals were beginning to become inflamed. Sorry about the sudden anatomy and phys language, I just took the test about ears last night). I am grateful for my own bathroom so I do not have to wake up ridiculously early just to get a shower because they only plan around their schedule. Now I can live on MY own schedule!!! I have peace and quiet, and study time and more room. (Please forgive the possible sentence faux pas that I think is there, but not entirely sure about.) G-d even blessed me with a huge window, a big room and a really nice view. Normally, to get a room all alone like mine, there are not many big windows, and they are usually all taken. But Ad-nai blessed me with my choice of the room and with more than I had even expected. If you are going through struggles or need something, ask G-d for it. Tell Him exactly what you want. If it is in His will for you, you will get it. It may take longer than you thought it would. (For me it seems that whenever I need something, He waits until the last minute for it to become available. But through that, I know it is nothing I did, only what He is doing.) And, as time goes by your desires will better match what His will for you is. I have this thought/theory about how G-d answers prayers. He obviously knows what all will happen throughout time. He also knows everything about us, even what we will pray. I think he plants desires (not every desire, but quite a few of them that are parallel to what His Word says about what is right and such). When we realize or receive this desire, we then start asking Him for what we want/need. Then, He answers the prayers and petitions that we have brought to Him for this thing that we were asking for. As we see prayers answered, our faith grows tremendously. I don't know if this is a true theory, but I believe it is a "G-d thought" and I have seen Him work through this process time and time again throughout my life.

Moving On!

So I got approved for my dorm room change today! That means I can move out of my toxic living environment, into one of peace and solitude (only by choice). My praise today is the fact that I got approved for the room that I wanted, my first choice in fact. Now I just have to inform my roommates of me moving out. Then just get through the next 3.5 years where they will likely be in the nursing program, and therefore ALL of my classes from here on out... Oh, how I will need strength, grace and love in these next years! L-rd willing that I get into the nursing program at this university. I have heard it is one of the top nursing programs in the state and even in the country!

Let's Get Personal

I am a very quiet, private person. I love to listen and when you tell me something it remains confidential, even if what you tell me is just a personal opinion about your future wedding or something. I will keep this information confidential. While I enjoy listening to others talk, I do not talk much myself when I get the chance. I do not tell many people about my past and there are only a handful of people that have even a glimpse of how I used to be. It was bad. So, let's delve into my past shall we?

As I have said before, I grew up in church. I even when to a Christian school through fourth grade. Now, I was never really accepted, anywhere. No big deal, I just had a bunch of people I talked to, but no real friends. The people I did get close to, and they called me their "best friend", often ended up calling me fat or putting me down in various other ways. Let me tell you, I was chunky. But does that give a friend the right to compare her body to my body in the mirror, in front of fellow classmates (girls and boys!) and tell me I am fat? Does that give my so called friends the right to criticize my nose, or my figure in any way? Does that give my fourth grade teacher the right to point out that some people have "weight problems" and that she "has never been overweight in her life"? While I may have been chunky, I was in the healthy weight range for my age according to my doctor. Needless to say, I have had difficulties with people because those that are constant takers tend to latch onto me. They still do, I just know my boundaries now so they don't stick around too long.

So I grew up with all sorts of self esteem, friendship and personal issues. This lead me to be grateful to anyone willing to hang out with me. So I found K and M (I am only using their first initial to keep their privacy.) This was a huge mistake. K did a lot of crazy things. She got pregnant freshman year of high school and got an abortion, did a bunch of pranks, sneaking out at night. Just think of it, and there is a good chance she did it. M was an only child and K's best friend since forever ago. They grew up together. K was the leader and M did whatever K did. Somehow I got mixed up in the middle of this duo, creating an unstable trio. If one person was upset with someone, the trio became a duo and that happened a lot. With K, I started hating church even more than I already had. My mom still required me to go every sunday and wednesday, but I was miserable and she knew it. She just didn't know why. My youth pastor would ask what was wrong and I would say nothing. I began cursing, developing a worse depression and became suicidal.

I took part in a bunch of self-harm. I still have scars from scratching myself. I began taking tons of aspirin, ibuprofen and anything else that I could find in our medicine cabinet. At one point, I would take 40-50 pills right after school. While I was suicidal, I could never convince myself to do anything. G-d was protecting me. He never allowed me to get sick or be hospitalized. The worse thing that would happen is I would sleep for about 14-16 hours every night. From the time I got home until I had to get up for school, I just slept.

After several months of this, my mom sent me to youth camp with my church group. I rededicated my life to Yeshua, though I called Him Jesus at the time. I got baptized for the first time once I got back home that summer.  I was about 13 or 14. Ever since then, I still battle with depression, but it is never as bad as it was that year. I talk more with my parents about my struggles instead of keeping everything bottled up and I am wiser about who I hang out around. I am also wiser about how I let them treat me.

Now that you know some of my awful secrets, let me tell you what I am grateful for today. I am grateful that G-d did not give up on me, because He doesn't give up on us. I am so very thankful that the worst thing He allowed to happen to me through all of the suicide attempts, was I only fell asleep. G-d is merciful and gracious and I am so very thankful He protects me and gives me His Shalom!

Peace

After a couple months last semester, and several weeks this semester of roommate drama, G-d has given me peace. It's this peace that surpasses understanding, just like the verse says. I know these problems are far from over, but He gave me joy in the storm. Even though I cannot yet see the light at the end of the tunnel, He has still provided me with a firm place to stand, happiness and a breath of fresh air. Today, I am grateful for the calming presence of the L-rd in my life. He is my rock, my life and my absolute love. He is all I need. Every time I have heartache, He brings me back to this point of realizing He is all I need. Once I finally realize this, He provides me with this weightless feeling. He envelopes me in love and gives me His shalom.

Ahhh, now that that is off my chest and I have shared my piece of life I am thankful for today, let's talk about nursing school. Technically it is pre-nursing school... but nobody is going to say that every time they talk about their college career. Right now, I am taking intro to organic chem, anatomy and phys 2, english and psych. I love these classes! I adore my english teacher and that makes me like the class. Normally, I despise english because I do not understand it. It is my first language, but I cannot understand what makes writing good. It's fuzzy logic for me. My strong suits have always been science and math. So the fact that I have 3 sciences this semester, makes life a lot easier. So, as of yet, school is enjoyable. I will update next week after my two anatomy tests in one week. And then again the following week after my chem and psych tests are done. Seem like a ton of tests? Ya, it is. But G-d will get me through, He always does!

Positivity

So, this blog is about nursing school. Inevitably, there will be some complaining, some rantings, ravings and negative comments about life in general. However, we are not called to be negative creatures. G-d wants us to be grateful for the many blessings and acts He does for us. So, I would like to try something new. I am going to try to start naming at least one thing in life that I am grateful for in each post. It is usually random things, but still things I thank G-d for when I am talking with Him. By doing this though, I hope I can help you, the reader, start to notice more of the little miracles or loving acts that G-d puts in your life. In the past, I was super negative and it seems that that comes through in the writing more than I would like it to. That is likely because these negative things are on my heart when they really should not be. Also, when I started doing this a few years ago, I noticed my outlook on life became more positive and now every little blessing is so much more obvious and clear to me.

Today, I am grateful for the many trials I have had to endure. This may seem negative at first, but I assure you I am truly grateful to have learned what I already have learned about myself and others. These lessons make today's trials so much more manageable! Due to these problems and the lessons I have learned, I can now have Shalom, peace, in the midst of this storm. They also show G-d loves me and us so very much. He allows us to go through struggles in order to kick out the bad and evil habits that we form. He is shaping us into who we need to be in order to meet Him. I am so very excited for that day when I can stand before Ad-nai and Yeshua and basque in their presence. This life is not for us. This life is to prepare us for forever, for G-d's presence and also to fulfill G-d's ultimate plans.

He also gave us a beautiful day. For February, when it should be snowing and gloomy, we have short-sleeve weather, sunshine and a gorgeous view of hand-shaped mountains covered in snow. "This is the day that the L-rd has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it!"

Complacency

Do any of you ever get complacent? In your job, at home, with your friends, with G-d? (I put a dash in G-d, btw, out of reverence for His name. This is a show of honor, not disrespectful or anything.)

Well, I do. It seems I go through seasons where I can be really into everything. Colors are brighter, I laugh and am happy all the time and G-d seems to be right here because I am drawing closer to Him. Lately, I have hit a rut. Oh, how I dislike being in ruts. Maybe it is just because school is starting again and I just started a new job? I don't know, but it is quite an uncomfortable place to be, ironically enough. I do not like being complacent because it means I am not growing. It means I just show up somewhere, at the time I should be there and go through the motions. I like when I am learning and growing and experiencing different things about life. Often times, this means being highly uncomfortable, but in a very different way. I love to learn, and experience life the way G-d wanted us to.

In all honesty, I know this complacent season is my fault. I have put G-d on a back burner when He deserves the whole stove, my whole life. Yet He has grace, and has made me aware of the problem so that I can fix it. I love His grace! I still kinda feel bad though because He is so incredible, and I am nothing. Who am I to put Him into a corner or on a back burner? Still, He gives me peace even if I want to feel bad for not acknowledging Him the way I ought to. His mercy and grace abounds, covering all of our sins and bringing Shalom (peace, relational wholeness; look up all meaning of Shalom, it may blow your mind there are so many meanings).