Baby Fever?

After recently breaking up with my best friend turned boyfriend, I went home for a few days. That was not because of the break-up, but because I was actually technically on spring break but had to work a ridiculous amount.

My 3 days of spring break end today and they were nice but not enough. I got to hang out with my dog and my family threw me an early, mini birthday celebration. I turn 20 this year and I am not particularly pleased about that. I don't quite understand why I don't want to turn 20. Is it that I may miss being a teen? Perhaps I think I haven't done enough with my "pre-adult" life? There are a plethora of other reasons as to why I dread every birthday, but this one in particular is already proving to be rough and it hasn't even occurred yet. Needless to say, I HATE birthdays and wish I could travel to some place with a beach, a younger drinking age, and somewhere where nobody knows me. Instead, I get to go to clinicals after taking a nap due to the time it takes to write those dreadful care plans. It's bound to be a fantastic freaking day.

Well, I've gotten slightly off track with this post... when does that not happen?

This post was supposed to be about the dream I had last night. Now, please keep judging to a minimum. Actually, you can do what you please because I can't control you and shouldn't try to tell you what to do. :)

Last night, I dreamed that I had a baby. My dream skipped the whole pregnancy and started with me being handed a baby. I was instructed to begin nursing it and I realized I had no idea what I was doing. My mom told me to feed it at 1 and 4. Why only twice? I have no clue. None of this dream made sense. Then I was asked if he looked like the dad or like me. I replied that I didn't know who the dad was because I am not in a relationship and I'm not married. Two guys came to mind though. Country Boy and Best Friend (that I just broke things off with in real life.) I also decided to name the sweet little guy. I couldn't decide a first name, but I wanted his middle name to be Peniel (pronounced PEN-yell) and it means "Face or vision of G-d, that G-d sees." Then I started trying to think of Biblical names or a place to find a good name in the Bible (this was all in my dream.) It went on for a bit longer. It was mainly me feeding him and trying to get my dad to hold him even though he kept refusing.

I don't understand this at all. Why am I having dreams about having babies? I have a lot of these dreams. Do I look more into this whole thing or just ignore them as simply being random pieces of my unconscious that leak into my sleeping state that I may/may not remember in the morning? Seriously, what is this!?!

On a similar note, I have been craving interaction with Country Boy. Folks, I need someone to come and slap me out of this nonsense. I break up with one guy because I can see that our values are not matching and because I am not ready to be tied to another human being. I then turn around and start praying for what I think I want in a husband. I tell G-d that I'm not ready but at the same time I desperately want to find who He wants for me, if there is such a person. Why am I so fickle and continue to flip-flop like this? I say that people drive me nuts, but I make myself more crazy than anyone else ever could. If only I could get away from myself and just reset all of this junk that gets started in my head!

Back At School

I can't believe spring break is over already! It seems like I was just packing up my car to head home, now I'm back again with no recollection of what I did last week. That was an exageration, I relaxed and watched t.v. when I was not hanging out with my kids or my friends. No matter how unproductive my break was, I am glad that I was able to relax and veg, hopefully my brain was able to recoup so I can get done with the last 6 weeks of my freshman year.

Yesterday, before I left home, my parents threw me a mini birthday party. How sweet is that! They were bummed that my birthday is during the school week so they got a couple pies and gave me a card with some money in it. I love that it didn't turn into a whole week ordeal or even an entire day dedicated to me. Those things make me uncomfortable because everything is because the "birthday girl" wants to do something. Never have I had to make more decisions than on my birthday. So, to have a tiny little celebration that lasted a maximum of 30 minutes was perfect. Plus, I am having a hard time getting older. I can't even imagine how bummed I will be when I turn 50 if I am having these sad feelings just turning 19.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am thankful that I got here last night so I can miss the Easter traffic. I also got all of my shopping done this morning and I got an excellent parking spot! Over spring break I didn't even have to work which was nice too because I get so stressed out at work. I am also thankful that G-d has preserved me these last 19 years and he brought me back to college safely. 

Anyway, enough about me. How have you been?

My Kids

Just an update from what happened yesterday, my kids threw me a birthday party! The kids I "adopted" (mentioned in my last post). My real birthday is in about a week, but they will be back in school, as will I. So, they got me a tiny little cake, they gave me some presents, then we went and painted pottery at Arts On Fire. Let me tell you, that place is so fun! It was a bit of a drive, but so very worth it. When you are there, you pick out a piece of pottery that is already made and fired the first time, you just get to paint it with glaze. Then you have them fire it for you and they call you in about a week to come pick it up. Simple as that. I could see it being an awesome date idea too... Anyway, I have to get my mind focused back on this conversation. So we did all that and what really made my day was the fact that the little boy (age 4) was asking for hugs all day and he said he loves me nearly 5849 times, no joke. Then, the littlest girl (age 2 in April) actually likes me now! She liked me when she was little bitty, then she started associating me with her mom leaving, but she is learning that her mom comes back and that I am alright to hang out with. She kept grabbing my finger and pulling me to play. She smiled at me and played peek-a-boo. Guys, my heart is overflowing with love. These two kids' older sisters (ages 6 and 10) are just so sweet too. I connect so much with the older one because we are so similar in the way that we learn, handle ourselves and others, and the way that we have fun. The younger girl is just so adorable. She is very artistic and really shone during the painting. She even painted me my own picture as part of my birthday present! I don't know how all four children are so kind, gentle and well-behaved, but their mom is doing an amazing job raising them. Someday, I pray that G-d gives me children, and I pray that I know how to raise them to be so responsible, well-rounded and gracious as these kids. I love them as if they were my own, I don't understand how my love for someone could ever grow anymore, but it grows everytime I see them. People also say that romantic love (pardon the weird wording) and the love of my own offspring will be greater, I think it may cause me to burst if there is actually greater love than this. My cup runneth over.