Baby Fever?

After recently breaking up with my best friend turned boyfriend, I went home for a few days. That was not because of the break-up, but because I was actually technically on spring break but had to work a ridiculous amount.

My 3 days of spring break end today and they were nice but not enough. I got to hang out with my dog and my family threw me an early, mini birthday celebration. I turn 20 this year and I am not particularly pleased about that. I don't quite understand why I don't want to turn 20. Is it that I may miss being a teen? Perhaps I think I haven't done enough with my "pre-adult" life? There are a plethora of other reasons as to why I dread every birthday, but this one in particular is already proving to be rough and it hasn't even occurred yet. Needless to say, I HATE birthdays and wish I could travel to some place with a beach, a younger drinking age, and somewhere where nobody knows me. Instead, I get to go to clinicals after taking a nap due to the time it takes to write those dreadful care plans. It's bound to be a fantastic freaking day.

Well, I've gotten slightly off track with this post... when does that not happen?

This post was supposed to be about the dream I had last night. Now, please keep judging to a minimum. Actually, you can do what you please because I can't control you and shouldn't try to tell you what to do. :)

Last night, I dreamed that I had a baby. My dream skipped the whole pregnancy and started with me being handed a baby. I was instructed to begin nursing it and I realized I had no idea what I was doing. My mom told me to feed it at 1 and 4. Why only twice? I have no clue. None of this dream made sense. Then I was asked if he looked like the dad or like me. I replied that I didn't know who the dad was because I am not in a relationship and I'm not married. Two guys came to mind though. Country Boy and Best Friend (that I just broke things off with in real life.) I also decided to name the sweet little guy. I couldn't decide a first name, but I wanted his middle name to be Peniel (pronounced PEN-yell) and it means "Face or vision of G-d, that G-d sees." Then I started trying to think of Biblical names or a place to find a good name in the Bible (this was all in my dream.) It went on for a bit longer. It was mainly me feeding him and trying to get my dad to hold him even though he kept refusing.

I don't understand this at all. Why am I having dreams about having babies? I have a lot of these dreams. Do I look more into this whole thing or just ignore them as simply being random pieces of my unconscious that leak into my sleeping state that I may/may not remember in the morning? Seriously, what is this!?!

On a similar note, I have been craving interaction with Country Boy. Folks, I need someone to come and slap me out of this nonsense. I break up with one guy because I can see that our values are not matching and because I am not ready to be tied to another human being. I then turn around and start praying for what I think I want in a husband. I tell G-d that I'm not ready but at the same time I desperately want to find who He wants for me, if there is such a person. Why am I so fickle and continue to flip-flop like this? I say that people drive me nuts, but I make myself more crazy than anyone else ever could. If only I could get away from myself and just reset all of this junk that gets started in my head!