Best Buddy

Do any of y'all recall hearing about my Best Friend? I met him freshman year of college and we've been through quite a bit.

At the beginning of this blog, I used to write about how I thought he had a crush on me and we would hang out a lot. Fast forward about a year to sophomore year, and he and I "tried" dating. It lasted three weeks before I broke it off. We didn't talk much for awhile, but he contacted me again sometime between the end of Junior year and the beginning of Senior year. Weird thing about certain friendships, you can pick up right where you left off, as if nothing ever changed.

I shared with him what exboyfriend and exfiance did to me and he was crushed. It was the first time I've seen him get misty and the normal smile was not in his eyes. Regardless, he has stuck with me through my rants and raves, my days of self pity, and various legal situations where my counselor told me I needed a friend. Best Friend was that friend. He even offered to buy me a milk shake after a 5 hour wait at the police station with me. He just sat in the lobby, by himself, as I talked with an officer in the back. He didn't complain or seem irritated in the least. At the end, he gave me a hug, told me he was soooo proud of me, and listened as I rehashed the amazing work the police officer did to help me.

It doesn't matter what parts of the story I tell him or refuse to share with him, he is nothing but kind, supportive, and so very sweet. He knows when to be quiet and listen. He knows when to shut me off because I'm going down a bad thought process road. He knows when to give me time to process, or when I need to be around somebody. He asks before he hugs me. Most of all, he is working to rebuild my sense of self.

We were texting the other night, as we often times do, when he started asking questions. Questions about our short relationship (thought he has a girlfriend right now, he says he was just curious), some about what happened with the other guys, and some light-hearted questions to break up the seriousness of the conversation.

At one point, he asked, "Why, if you are so stubborn, did you not just leave these guys when you say you wanted to?" This question, in all honesty, made me get a bit defensive. I sent about 9 text pages about how I know I seem weak, staying with a guy even though I tried to break up over 4 times with him. I know it makes no sense to stay with someone who continually hurt me so badly. I know that the relationships are terrible and it makes no sense that I would have two boyfriends abuse me in terrible ways when I could have been with someone sweet. It makes absolutely no sense, even to me. However, I continued and told him that I was fighting. All those times he forced himself on me, I was fighting. All those times that I would break up with him, he would promise to be nicer and better, then I would take him back and he would be even worse because I "broke his heart," I was fighting.

I was fighting to stay alive. I was fighting to stay sane. I was fighting to make sense to myself and to do the best I could in the terrible prison I was in.

I don't know if he was shocked or sorry for asking that question in such a way, or maybe he knew that I was absolutely not bullshitting him at that point, but he replied saying: "I completely believe you. Of 4 women in my life that I actually believe 100%, you are one of them. I didn't mean to make it seem like you were foolish for not leaving. I can't imagine what it was like to be in your shoes. I'm so happy you stayed strong and came back into my life, it's such a blessing. I know you are so much stronger now. I want to thank you for fighting through, just in case no one else has thanked you for that. I can't imagine what it would have been like if anything worse (I know it can't get much worse, so you know what worse is [murder or suicide]) had happened to you."

At that point I cried. I cried. I ugly cried. I'm crying right now just reading it again.

He thanked me for surviving. He thanked me for sticking around and not letting life kill me, not letting these assholes cause me enough pain that I end my own life. Not letting exfiance hurt me enough to kill me.

He thanked me for fighting.



Friends, if you have survived abusive relationships, sexual assault, rape, depression, suicide attempts, self-harm, traumas, or any other life-threatening struggles, thank you for fighting. It a struggle, day in and day out, but you are here. Know that, even your friends and family who don't know what you've been through, are grateful that you are still alive and fighting. They may have no clue you're even struggling, but someone somewhere (me included) is glad you're sticking around.

Thank you for still being here.

Finals are Finally Finished!

Yes, I was trying to use alliteration. I am that nerdy that I like to do silly stuff like that, and I'm cheesy.

Anyway, I took my last final exam of freshman year and I am officially finished with my first year of college!!! Y'all, I thought I would be happier, but it's really bitter sweet. This is the last night in my dorm room. I will likely never live this close to my friends every again and I will not be eating all my meals with them and seeing them all day, every day. While I am happy to be out of school for the summer (one whole week for me), I am also very sad that this year has come to an end. It was really exciting and I had a lot of fun. I also learned a ton in my classes and even more about people. It also seems that I have learned a lot about myself too. I am stronger than I ever thought. I am able to rely on G-d even though I make terrible mistakes. Also, I am capable of making friends.

That last one was a huge deal for me because I have lived my whole life wondering what is wrong with me and why people will not hang out with me. It turns out that I am nice to everyone and the people that really jump on nice people are people that may not be so nice themselves. So, while I am a little bit nuts and may not be a great friend, I am not the only problem in the majority of the failed friendships I have been a part of in the past. Confrontation, forgiveness, courage, and independence (from people, but dependence on G-d) are huge lessons that I began to learn this year. Of course I am not anywhere near through learning these yet, but I have a pretty good start on them.

Another huge one is that I can be liked by a boy. I have been "liked" just like I have been "friends" with people. In reality, it just means that I am being used and walked on. While I am very grateful for the experiences and lessons I have learned from these people, I am even more glad that G-d showed me that I can be cared for too. This is a big deal for me. It seems like all my life I care for everyone around me so deeply, but I never see that caring reciprocated. In this recent case, I'm liked back and someone likes the way I smile and laugh. He likes me for me and respects my boundaries... once I get around to discussing those with him (which I also did tonight).  I was fearfully and wonderfully made. Someday, I can be cherished by a man. Perhaps I will be married to a guy someday, that loves G-d more than he loves me. And he will love me more than he loves the things of this world. But, our marriage will be based on G-d, first and foremost. This is possible, despite the many shortcomings I find in myself and the various doubts the Adversary tries to sneak into my brain.

Daily Thanksgivings: G-d gives me the words I need to explain what He has impressed upon my heart. He protects me and guides me through the various problems and struggles I have in this life. I am cherished by the Creator of the Universe and someday He will teach a man how to cherish me too. Freshman year has come to an end and I have made so many friends and learned so very much. Finals are over!!!

Beautiful Shabbat

Y'all, I actually rested today! I read Torah portion in bed, then stayed in bed all day long. That's over exaggerated, I left bed to use the bathroom and to get food or water, but besides that I stayed in bed. I got to nap and watch some movies and shows and it was just beautiful to be able to not worry about anything.

I also got my grade back from my last anatomy lab test... drumroll... G-d gave me a 94%!!! If only I would have studied harder for my other lab tests, then I wouldn't be looking at getting a B in anatomy, but I was foolish. Anyway, praise the L-rd for giving me my first A on an anatomy lab test this semester. That good grade gave me motivation to get started studying for chem (after sunset of course) which is why I am up at 11:30 writing this post instead of sleeping like I ought to do.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am so very thankful for Shabbat, this beautiful day of rest G-d has given us because He knows life gets busy and He wants us to make time for Him and time for rest. I am still not keeping Shabbat like I should, but I will get there. I got to take a nap! Yesterday I also packed a lot of my room and now it's really empty, but it felt good to get something productive done without having to continue studying. G-d gave me an excellent grade on my last anatomy lab test and I was totally expecting a low B or C!

Day of Study

Today was supposed to be my day to study, but it wasn't very successful. I only completed my paper which took about 6 hours even though I only needed to write two paragraphs. But that's my fault, I kept messing around. Oh well.

Shabbat Shalom! This is my final Sabbath that I have to spend at school and that makes me so very happy. I am very thankful for this day of rest especially in finals week. Unfortunately, I am often confused as to what I should do when I have loads of schoolwork that I need to complete but am supposed to rest on the Sabbath.

Tonight at school they are having this silly run where you donate the clothes - all but your underwear - and then go for a run with hundreds of other students... IN YOUR UNDERWEAR! This is obviously not something I am going to take part in because my guy swim trunks and short sleeve surf shirt is not even modest enough for me, let alone nothing but my skivvies! I hope all the students have fun. But just started raining... Golly, it's probably sick that I think it's hilarious for us to get rain just as everyone is getting undressed together, but I do find it entertaining that they are now nearly naked and about to get soaked. It's not even a warm rain, it's actually getting chilly out.

Daily Thanksgiving: I turned in my last English paper early, which is so out of character for me. It is now Shabbat and I have a day of rest before crunch time hits me like a train for finals. I don't have to work on Sunday so I can actually study for my chem and psych finals that take place on Monday. Also, I am very thankful that G-d gave me two days between my first two finals and my anatomy final. Plus, the anatomy final will have some reproductive questions on it and I love the reproductive system!!! I am almost done with freshman year and it feels so good. I can't believe I only have tests and then I am done. It seems like I was just moving in, then I was just changing rooms and then here I am packing up to leave. I have matured though and G-d has taught me a lot in this short amount of time. Now I wish I would have started blogging at the beginning of my schooling journey instead of half way into my first year, but it is what it is and as I think of stories I will share, because there are lots of lessons to be learned from this silly - sometimes foolish - girl.

Freshman Year Is Nearly Complete!

With all of my classes completed, now I just have to turn in my English paper and take my three finals and then I am free!!! Of course, the freedom only lasts for a week and I won't really be completely free because I have to study for the HESI... but I won't have any actual school for a little bit which is so very nice. Praise the L-rd!

Today I went and volunteered at a free medical clinic as a CNA and I absolutely loved it. I had such a good time. My main job is to call a patient back, get their vitals, history, medications, and what they are in the office for. Then I let the doctor know that the patient is there and that's it. The rest of the time we stand around talking and doing other stuff. Tonight I learned about a month long EMT course and a two week long course (only 2 classes a week) after that to become certified for IV's. Seeing as I wanted to be an EMT first instead of becoming a CNA, I am so excited about this possibility, but I don't have time nor money for the class... So, we will see if it's something G-d wants me to do or not. The frustrating thing about finding this kind of information is that I wanted to be an EMT first, but then got my CNA. So now I am at a crossroads because I am already licensed and I paid for one class, which was nearly $1000! Now, I find a class that I was originally interested in, so do I shell out another $1000 to get that license as well? Did I just waste $1000 getting a now useless license? Now I probably can't even get reimbursed for the CNA course because the administrators did not get my paperwork done in time and nobody is letting me know what's going on with anything. But that is also partly my fault for not pestering them more so that I could actually be made a priority in order to get what I needed. So very frustrating!

Daily Thanksgiving: I'm done with classes. I got to volunteer. My paper was peer reviewed and found to be "excellent" (paraphrasing) by the girl who read it. Opportunities are being presented for lots of stuff in my life, I just have to wait on G-d to tell me if I should act on it or not.

Sweet Relief Is Coming!

I have some great news... I just took my last anatomy lab practical of my life (L-rd willing)!!! I have been studying for this test for such a long time and even though I didn't know all that I would have liked to know, I am pretty sure I passed the test with at least a C. I'm still praying for an A, thinking I got a B, but it could be a C, I don't know. It's that awful time right after a test where I think I did alright which means that I probably bombed it completely, which I just absolutely hate because I get so confused with not knowing how I did. Oh well, it's over now!!! And the countdown begins:

Anatomy: 1 lecture, 1 homework assignment, and my final
Chemistry: 1 lecture, 1 homework assignment, extra credit project, and the final
Psych: 1 lecture, and my final
English: 1 lecture, a meeting with my professor, and the final paper

Then, I get to be on summer break!!!... for a week. But, I am excited for microbiology and I really need to be done with the HESI to get that off my mind too.

Daily Thanksgiving: I can see the light at the end of the tunnel (I don't know if it's daylight or a train barreling towards me but we will soon find out). Summer is a week and a half away. I have a place to stay near school for the summer. I can count down the assignments I have to complete before finals on one hand. I am finished with anatomy lab!!! That, my friends, is a beautiful feeling because I was told it was going to be too hard to take anatomy and chemistry in my first year of college, but G-d brought me through. Even if I only pass the course with a B, He still allowed me to pass by more than the skin on my teeth (meaning I had a buffer with a B as apposed to a C or D).

Drudgery of Studying

In my ambitious quest to stop my problem with procrastinating, I have somehow managed to still fall behind. Now I have 7 pages of my paper due tomorrow (I've written about 3/4 of a page...) and I have my last anatomy lab test tomorrow but I am not nearly ready to take it! Besides that I'm having to balance my social life with my school work and I am getting really frustrated because no one else seems to care that I need to focus on school alone. Does it seem to happen that everyone wants to talk to you, or visit you, or need something from you as soon as you get into your zone of studying? I almost wish I didn't have a cell phone, computer, or a social life because managing all of these things plus school is making me slightly angry. I know, I could just shut it all off, but what if my mom calls me and needs something? My phone is my only means of communication besides the computer. I guess that means I'm cutting out all my friends. I do better being a loner anyway, that way I don't have to check in, orchestrate meals or events, and I don't have to worry about hurting anyone's feelings because it's just me, myself, and I. Yep, that's what I have to do, I have to go back to being a loner.

Daily Thanksgiving: I made it through my last Monday of legitimate classes of my college Freshman career! I have friends, which may be slightly inconvenient for oddballs like me, but I suppose it's good so that I don't end up talking to myself under a bridge somewhere (more on that story later). I got to the library and got a group study room for myself so that I could draw stuff for the test I have tomorrow and I am beginning to understand some of the material. 3 more days of learning related material then just three finals. Next year, I have a much easier course load even though they will be more challenging. I am very thankful that G-d allowed someone to make dry erase markers, they are so nifty and helpful for anatomy! If you take anatomy, buy yourself some dry erase markers and find yourself a whiteboard, then go nuts with drawings and color-coding and graphs, etc. Then, take pictures of them, make those pictures into a power point and you have yourself a fantastic study guide because you had to figure out how to simplify it to draw it and you learn all the ins and outs of the thing you draw! Also, my depression and anxiety have not been so bad the past few days even though I am very stressed out. G-d got me through the day. He is my Rock and my Abba (Father), I don't really trust anyone but Him because He has never let me down and He has shown me His mercies today (for the millionth time, but for some reason I always forget the amazing things He does).

Okay, so for that story about me living under a bridge... During lab last week, my lab partner and I were more unfocused than normal and so we made up a story with my other friend about us quitting school and living under a bridge in Florida because we have decided school is silly and too stressful to become nurses. We are all in the nursing program by the way (technically pre-nursing until I take the HESI and hopefully get accepted into clinicals, L-rd willing!). So, we are quitting nursing school, hitch-hiking to Florida and finding a bridge to live under. There, we will scrounge for food and, in case of a hurricane, hitch-hike back to a land-locked state until the hurricane ceases. Anybody in?

Gettin' Nervous

Guys, it's coming down to the wire for so many things. The HESI is in 4 weeks, finals are the week after next, it's time to find an apartment, and I also need to transfer to a hospital so I can work more. So many things to do, it's just a tad bit overwhelming.

Yes, I finally registered for the HESI. I take it in the beginning of June and L-rd willing I pass the test with a high enough score that I can get accepted into nursing school! I forked over the $90 virtually and I'm a little saddened that I had to pay about 1/3 of my paycheck to taking a test. I guess that just means that I really have to study hard and do well so I don't have to take it again.

Currently, I'm at the library working on not procrastinating so much and I'm starting a bunch of my assignment early! So, the procrastinating is only getting cut slightly because I should probably not be writing right now, but I'm a work in progress...

Our apartment hunting went really well today. We found some great places and they are close to school. It scares me a little bit because 1) I'm moving out of my parents house which is so weird and 2) the places that we can afford all smell strange and have some shady characters. Regardless, we found some better places that are still cheap and one doesn't smell terribly funky, so we are making head-way.

Job applications are yet to be sent in. I have heard that I should be able to transfer to a hospital in the same family of owners, so hopefully that is true and I can start working 12 hour shifts instead of 8 hour shifts or a double. I don't think I can handle working a double, I would probably collapse from exhaustion.

Daily Thanksgiving: Apartment hunting was a success, we are closer to the end of our process. G-d kept us safe from the silly drivers found in our little town, because there are some creative driving styles here. I made it to the library instead of taking a nap, which is a success. I also started my 10 page paper a week early, which is a new concept for me, but I hope that when I finish that I feel good. Hopefully that good feeling can translate into the rest of my life and motivate me to not procrastinate and cut down my stress levels. I was feeling pretty sick earlier, but I think G-d is healing me before I actually get super sick! It's a beautiful day out and I may just be able to play football with my friends later. Also, G-d is decreasing my worry and helping me to get my work done before it's all due the same day. I got to have chick-fil-a for lunch which is probably my favorite fast food place ever because they have really nice staff and delicious food.

Presentation Done!

I hate talking in front of people. Public speaking is worse for me than taking a pop quiz, I just hate it. Today, I had to give a ten minute presentation on my paper for English. It went alright, not great, but I wasn't super nervous because G-d calmed my nerves a little bit. But, now it is done which means that besides homework, I only have: 3 finals, 2 lab tests, and a 10-12 page paper standing between me and my week-long summer break!

I was going to rant about something that I have been noticing the past few years, but I totally forgot what it is... So, I will likely write about it later, if I remember.

In the meantime, let's talk about weight. Dangerous subject, but I think I need to explain this to someone right now before I burst and just unload on one person. So, on the stairs hike I went on a few weeks ago, I was the slowest person. I called it and I had warned my group several times. Two guys stayed and went slow with me even though I told them to go ahead and I would meet them at the top. It was super sweet of them to stay with me and try to make me feel like I wasn't such a failure, but I know the truth. Anyway, the past few weeks I've gotten come flack, which I deserve, for having been the slowest person. I move slow anyway, but that was ridiculously slow for me because my legs stopped working... Regardless, I've been the chubby/fat kid in class for most of my life since second or third grade. That's nobody's fault but mine, I get that. I just get embarrassed talking about how chubby I still see myself or how unfit I continue to be. Yes, I am working on it, slowly, but I don't need it pointed out by friends. When people give me hugs, I can't stop thinking about my "love handles," which just happens to be the most ridiculous name for flabs of fat because I don't feel like being loved because I have these nuisances on my sides. When people hug me from behind, I get so self-conscious and I usually harp on that thought of "was I squishy?" or "did they notice my love handles when their hands lingered on the sides of my abdomen?" I am trying to move past this, but for right now, I just need to vent. Have y'all noticed that people lean in for far too many hugs, for far too long, and then they linger? Maybe I'm just around an odd group of especially touchy people, but I think I may lose it here directly. Even women at shul come in real close, lean in for a hug, and then when they decide the hug is over 3 hours later, they leave their hands on my sides. Worst feeling I think I've felt in a long time. I'm not a touchy person, so that probably plays a slight role in my hands phobia, but there is no need to be constantly feeling people around you.

Also, to you close talkers out there: Please get out of my bubble! You can always test people to see if they are close talkers because 1) they will stand really close, almost kissing distance, and begin a conversation 2) if you move back, they follow! This drives me nuts because I will back up 20 feet and into a wall and still can't get away from these silly people. I love you close talkers, I do, otherwise I wouldn't talk to you. With that said, get out of my space. I need at least an arms length (fully extended) between you and me. Even that is not far enough apart.

So, you hug lingerers and close talkers, just be aware that those of us with anxiety are freaking out around you because we never know when we will get hit with a full-on frontal-attach (hug) or hit by a wall (as we back up to give ourselves room to breathe). We love you, but we need space.

Any tips for workouts to make my flabs go away? They aren't just on the sides of my abdomen, they are all over. I'm still just a chubby girl, the chub is just better proportioned and distributed to where women are supposed to have curves from what society tells us. Maybe I'll just move to a country where it's attractive to be a little chunky. That way I could get away from the problems of this life and go get different problems in a different country with different people and a new view! Or, I'll just move to Scottland, or Iceland, or Holland, or something...

Big news: I'm moving out of the country! Just kidding, I only might move out of the country. But seriously, I have been looking into this!

Daily Thanksgiving: It's Thursday, meaning that it's my last day of classes for the week and I only have chem lab left today. That's amazing. 2 weeks of school left. Snow stopped, but it's still cold. I have been pretty productive since learning I am a Type A personality that gets close to maxing out the procrastination scale. Did I mention only 2 weeks left of school? I get to go apartment shopping tomorrow, again, but I'm still pretty excited. G-d has brought me to the end and He has kept me safe through most of my first year of college, and I believe He will continue to keep me safe through the last little stretch.

Tiny Rant

First of all, tomorrow is the only thing standing between me and the last two weeks of my first year of college!!! It's crazy to think that I'm already here because this year went by in a blur of insanity. But, G-d has brought me through to this point and I am very glad for it. Now, I just need Him to get me through finals and, L-rd willing, bring up my grades.

Rant: Also, today was the first day we could register for the HESI which is good and bad. The good news is that I remembered and there are spots open in the location closest to my house. Bad news is that I am broke and the test was supposed to be $65, now it's $90! I know! What on earth is going on here!?! I don't have that kind of money. I don't really have any money right now because I have to pay car insurance, buy my microbio book, groceries, gas, and a bunch of other stuff. So, I can't even register and hold my spot until I get nearly one hundred dollars into my bank account. Hopefully there will still be a spot open for me on a day that will work with my summer work and school schedule. The end.

I found out a couple days ago that I get one week off for summer break. That's it. Thankfully, G-d orchestrated everything so that my brother's graduation from high school is during that week so I can go and see him walk across the stage and get his diploma. But after that it is school and work all summer, just to take a week-long intensive interim course before legit fall courses begin. If I wasn't taking the interim class, I would have another week long break at the end of micro, but I'm trying to be an achiever (because I'm not an over-achiever by anyone's standards).

The snow is still coming down. It's even getting cold enough outside that the snow is starting to stick on the sidewalks, but it's just slush right now because of the water left from when it was warmer today. Slush is so incredibly hazardous for the accident prone people like me, my goodness! I think I just need to be strapped to the floor in a padded room for the rest of my life to prevent anymore accidents, injuries, or problems. It seems like I can just breathe and cause problems.

Psych was also pretty interesting today. We talked about stress and took a couple self-tests/survey things. I learned that I am a 10/17 on the type A scale (I am kinda type A) and I also scored a fifty-something (out of 70) on the procrastination scale... So, these tests just confirmed that I procrastinate, a LOT. But I didn't know I was a type A person! That kinda got me down in the dumps a little, but whatever, I can change. I plan on changing both things actually so that I don't procrastinate as much, to hopefully lead to better grades, and also so that I am not so uptight and type A. Changing these two things should help with stress, and hopefully anxiety and depression as well. The only way I can change though is if G-d changes me. I've tried doing it by myself and I can't do it, I only make the whole situation worse.

Daily Thanksgiving: G-d has brought me to the near end of my first year of college! He has also kept me safe from major injury for most of my life, regardless of slush on the sidewalks or my foolish decisions in entertainment. I get paid this Friday, so hopefully I can pay for the HESI. Psych is awesome and I love my teacher in that class. I actually like all of my teachers. G-d has allowed me to get into micro at a different school, without jumping through too many hoops, and now I'm able to take that over the summer!

Back At School

I can't believe spring break is over already! It seems like I was just packing up my car to head home, now I'm back again with no recollection of what I did last week. That was an exageration, I relaxed and watched t.v. when I was not hanging out with my kids or my friends. No matter how unproductive my break was, I am glad that I was able to relax and veg, hopefully my brain was able to recoup so I can get done with the last 6 weeks of my freshman year.

Yesterday, before I left home, my parents threw me a mini birthday party. How sweet is that! They were bummed that my birthday is during the school week so they got a couple pies and gave me a card with some money in it. I love that it didn't turn into a whole week ordeal or even an entire day dedicated to me. Those things make me uncomfortable because everything is because the "birthday girl" wants to do something. Never have I had to make more decisions than on my birthday. So, to have a tiny little celebration that lasted a maximum of 30 minutes was perfect. Plus, I am having a hard time getting older. I can't even imagine how bummed I will be when I turn 50 if I am having these sad feelings just turning 19.

Daily Thanksgiving: I am thankful that I got here last night so I can miss the Easter traffic. I also got all of my shopping done this morning and I got an excellent parking spot! Over spring break I didn't even have to work which was nice too because I get so stressed out at work. I am also thankful that G-d has preserved me these last 19 years and he brought me back to college safely. 

Anyway, enough about me. How have you been?