Heavy Heart

Have there been a lot of deaths recently for you too? For some reason there have been 3 students that have passed away in the past two weeks at college and several residents from work have passed away. I don't understand this. Plus, my great-grandpa died a few weeks ago as well, but I didn't get to go to the funeral because I wasn't really invited. That's a complicated story though.

Let's just delve into the basics. We don't talk to my mom's side of the family because her mom abused her. When my brother and I were born, my mom tried to take us over to see her parents so that we would know them, but my grandma just ended up yelling at my brother and I when we were about 3 and 4 years old. So, long story short, my mom hasn't actively taken us to see them because it's not worth it to get abused by my grandma. I still love her and I still love my grandpa (her husband). Now, it was her father who passed, and I had only met him a handful of times, so while I'm sad that he passed away without me being able to better get to know him, I have peace because he did not treat my mom right or his wife right (when she was alive). I'm sad that I was not able to show him more of the love of Yeshua. One of the last times I saw him was at my cousins graduation party and he came over and sat at the table I was sitting at. Since it was just him and me at the table, he asked if I knew who he was. I said that I didn't because I did not know his name, but I did know that he was my great-grandpa. This upset him pretty bad and he called over my great-aunt and they both gave me a 15-20 minute lecture about how I am supposed to know who my family is and so on. Even though I was hurt because I had gotten yelled at (I was 12 or 13 at the time), I still love(d) him. Funny thing is though, it's not the kid's responsibility to keep in tough with grandparents and great-grandparents when they are still kids. I couldn't drive to go see him and it was not my responsibility to go on a great quest to find out where he lived or to get his phone number in order to contact him first, I was a child. It's a bummer that he didn't reach out to me, because I like getting to know my family because they are kin and I don't have a whole lot of blood relatives that my family talks to because both of my parents were abused as children. Regardless, G-d puts pseudo family into my life, always. I have the largest family now because of all of my "adopted" aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and siblings.  I wouldn't trade the relationships I have with them, or the love that we all share because we chose each other, for anything. I know that G-d has allowed me to be blessed with so many amazing, supportive, down-to-earth people who choose to be in my family instead of feeling stuck with me. Also, they don't manipulate, yell, or otherwise harm me, which is still not something I'm used to and my parents don't abuse my brother or I. Still, I have had many, many, many unhealthy, abusive and manipulative friendships that have seriously scarred me. G-d brings me through every time and He is teaching me who to trust, how to trust and how much to trust certain people with. He is teaching me boundaries and forgiveness, but these are brutal lessons to learn.

Daily Thanksgiving: Work went well today, I got to work with one of my favorite CNA's today and work went by really fast. Two more weeks of school and they are going to fly by because I am too busy to even be able to breathe, let alone pee or eat. G-d heals broken hearts and heals scars. His mercies never end and His love is unfailing. I am not alone, even though I often feel alone.

Hurt Feelers

Being a tomboy, raised around mostly guys, and also by a dad who is very masculine and a mother who is super tomboyish herself, I have developed many "male" outlooks on certain situations. When, however, my "feelers" get hurt (my dad's way of saying hurt feelings), I can be crushed. This is because it takes a lot to hurt me enough to get to that point. All through my childhood I have been called fat, ugly, and a few other choice words. I have been excluded most of my life, to the point where I can hardly remember being included with people. These times of pain have made me much stronger and I am glad that I have gone through them because of the lessons I have learned.

With all of this said, I have recently had my feelers hurt almost worse than any other time in my life. I cannot really get into it, but it really stings when someone says they do not want you around to someone else, and it gets back to you...
 
Needless to say, I will get through this. G-d will get me through this because without Him, I would have been crushed and finished long ago. There is a lesson to be learned, a scar that needs to be healed and grace that will abound through Him alone.