Boundaries

Recently, I got yelled at over email because I told my former roommate (that I was going to room with next year too) that I could not live with her. I know that I did not handle the whole situation the way I was supposed to, but I had planned to talk to her in person. I asked her to let me know when she was leaving so that I could talk to her before we both left school for the summer, but she didn't so I had to email her. This was probably actually a blessing because I don't think I could have handled it very well. So, that was a blessing that she did not let me know when she was leaving. However, the email I received made me cry.

Fortunately, G-d showed me all the true colors of my former roommate before I signed a lease to stay with her for another year. She revealed how she really feels about me and I am pretty sure I was going to be used instead of in a partnership. Plus, it turns out that she had been the one spreading rumors that caused the problems last semester for me with my other roommates which has now blown up. However, G-d has brought me more friends than I ever expected. All of the people that they stopped talking to now talk to me and we have a huge group of friends.

Through all of this, I kept having this thought of, "what's wrong with me that I keep finding people that use me and people that hate me?" The last year I have been pestered by this awful thought but it is not true, it if from the Adversary. If people are going to be unhappy with the way that I set my boundaries and the fact that I will no longer bend over backwards for people that disrespect me time and time again, then they will have to talk with G-d about it.  She had continually put me down and talked about me poorly behind my back. The last stick of straw that broke my back was the fact that my other former roommates did something right in front of her and she didn't stick up for me. If we are going to live together and trust each other essentially with our lives, we need to stick up for each other and defend each other. Long story short, my tears today are now stopped and I have a strengthened resolve to stick up for myself because I can't depend on anyone to stick up for me if I don't do it for myself.

So, for everyone that reads my rantings and ravings about life and nursing school, please set boundaries for yourself. Teach people how to treat you and don't back down. Talk with G-d to see what boundaries you need to set up for yourself and ask Him to teach you how to enforce them in a loving and kind way. My boundaries are set by me and G-d and if they are challenged by other people, I will talk to G-d and see if I need to be changed. I will talk with my mentors and my parents to figure out what I need to change or if I even need to change. You should also find mentors that love you enough to tell you the truth with what they believe is best for you, based on sound, Biblically sound advice.

Finals are Finally Finished!

Yes, I was trying to use alliteration. I am that nerdy that I like to do silly stuff like that, and I'm cheesy.

Anyway, I took my last final exam of freshman year and I am officially finished with my first year of college!!! Y'all, I thought I would be happier, but it's really bitter sweet. This is the last night in my dorm room. I will likely never live this close to my friends every again and I will not be eating all my meals with them and seeing them all day, every day. While I am happy to be out of school for the summer (one whole week for me), I am also very sad that this year has come to an end. It was really exciting and I had a lot of fun. I also learned a ton in my classes and even more about people. It also seems that I have learned a lot about myself too. I am stronger than I ever thought. I am able to rely on G-d even though I make terrible mistakes. Also, I am capable of making friends.

That last one was a huge deal for me because I have lived my whole life wondering what is wrong with me and why people will not hang out with me. It turns out that I am nice to everyone and the people that really jump on nice people are people that may not be so nice themselves. So, while I am a little bit nuts and may not be a great friend, I am not the only problem in the majority of the failed friendships I have been a part of in the past. Confrontation, forgiveness, courage, and independence (from people, but dependence on G-d) are huge lessons that I began to learn this year. Of course I am not anywhere near through learning these yet, but I have a pretty good start on them.

Another huge one is that I can be liked by a boy. I have been "liked" just like I have been "friends" with people. In reality, it just means that I am being used and walked on. While I am very grateful for the experiences and lessons I have learned from these people, I am even more glad that G-d showed me that I can be cared for too. This is a big deal for me. It seems like all my life I care for everyone around me so deeply, but I never see that caring reciprocated. In this recent case, I'm liked back and someone likes the way I smile and laugh. He likes me for me and respects my boundaries... once I get around to discussing those with him (which I also did tonight).  I was fearfully and wonderfully made. Someday, I can be cherished by a man. Perhaps I will be married to a guy someday, that loves G-d more than he loves me. And he will love me more than he loves the things of this world. But, our marriage will be based on G-d, first and foremost. This is possible, despite the many shortcomings I find in myself and the various doubts the Adversary tries to sneak into my brain.

Daily Thanksgivings: G-d gives me the words I need to explain what He has impressed upon my heart. He protects me and guides me through the various problems and struggles I have in this life. I am cherished by the Creator of the Universe and someday He will teach a man how to cherish me too. Freshman year has come to an end and I have made so many friends and learned so very much. Finals are over!!!