I GOT INTERNET!!!

So, it turns out that the modem was up at the front desk of my apartment complex since July 4th and it's now July 12... Now I know that when the front desk signs for a package, they don't notify you that it's come. That's really good to know.

Anyway, let's get down to the juicy news.

Haha, there is none. Come on folks, let's face it, I never really have anything "juicy" going on in my life.

Outline for today's post as promised:

1) My rant about boys... They have been driving me nuts, but I still love them. My country boy, when I had originally posted this, had not texted me for about a week and a half after I told him I wasn't going to date anyone right now. I guess it's not really the fault of boys though, for the most part, it just drives me insane that I find myself thinking about them so much. I beat myself up wondering what I had done to cause him to stop texting me for so long. Then I considered breaking my promise to G-d about not dating for awhile. By breaking the promise to G-d, I would have been breaking the promise to my future husband too. I almost considered kissing this boy! Why? I don't know. I think it's probably hormones which makes me mad because I should be able to control my thoughts, but I didn't feel in control during that whole ordeal. He finally texted me a few nights ago. Then I texted him the next night and we had a short little conversation both times, but he doesn't seem interested anymore. That is totally okay though because I don't think that 1) we were meant for each other, 2) that dating him would have been a good idea. I thought he was cute, interesting, fun, etc, but my friend (that had grown up with him) discouraged me from even going down that path. I figure she knows better than I do.

Also, boys keep using the same lines with me. It may be a different boy, but they all say the same words! I know that they are lying so why do they try it? "I think you are gorgeous and the most intelligent girl I have ever met, blah, blah, blah." Seriously? I own mirrors, first of all. Secondly, you've talked to me for a total of 15 seconds and you think I'm the most intelligent girl you've ever talked to? I am smart and I am made beautifully (as we all are) by G-d, but don't try to flatter me by stretching the truth so that we both know that you're lying. Come on!

2) My future blind-date... So, the girls at work started asking (completely randomly) if I had a boyfriend. I said no. They asked why. I told them that boys are silly (I did not even get into the whole situation mentioned above or the millions of other things that have happened to me that prove this statement). One of the girls just happens to have a brother who is 22 and he isn't dating anyone either. Naturally this means that the both of us need to get hitched and start breeding like rabbits, right? Now they are convinced that we belong together and that we really are going to get married. In this hypothetical life they have created, the only part that I agree with is the fact that our first date would be at a gun range. I don't agree with the person I would be going with or anything else besides that, but a date at the gun range would be fun!

3) A description of my new apartment... It's amazing! Everything I wanted, minus the price. It's a little bit more than I had originally wanted to spend each month, but I have a washer/dryer in my apartment! I have a fire place and my brother and I both have our own bathrooms! So no fighting over the mirror in the mornings.

4) I keep having dreams about being pregnant and about boys... This one was probably stemming from my country boy problems, but it has since subsided. It was driving me crazy though because I was trying to stop thinking about him, but then I started having dreams about being pregnant and married and dating/marrying him. Unfortunately, I now really want to get married really soon and I think I would love to be pregnant (after I'm married, of course). So, now I am struggling with these thoughts.

5) Random people keep asking me if I'm dating, including residents!... Why? It's like I had a sign on my forehead asking people to ask me if I am dating/marrying someone. Good grief! Even residents (not just one, several) asked me what my future husband looked like, where my boyfriend is, etc. Maybe G-d is trying to tell me something? I don't know. Whatever is happening though should definitely stop because I'm getting confused and antsy waiting for him. Trust me! I just found out cute boys sometimes think I'm cute too, so now I have a hope in my head that I will get married and I want to be married already!



Remind me to tell y'all about the funny things my residents have been saying lately though! My goodness, I've gotten some gems these past few days of work.

Daily Thanksgiving: G-d has provided an apartment, gotten my brother into college (right after we had already signed for the apartment even though we didn't know if he would come down with me or not), provided internet, and He got me an 86% on my latest micro test!!! Plus, He has shown me that the attraction I feel towards some boys is not entirely one-sided. In fact, more boys like me than just the ones I like and think are cute. This is dangerous for me because I'm starting to daydream about my future husband, but it's giving me hope that I will be a wife eventually, and maybe even a mom!

Still No Internet

Hey folks, I was hoping to have internet Friday, but that didn't happen so I am still using my phone to update this. I am so sorry and I have so much to tell you guys. So, let's hope it gets up and running Monday. It's been a long time since I have had internet and I am nearly dying without it.

Stay tuned for:

My rant about boys...

My future blinddate...

A description of my new apartment...

I keep having dreams about being pregnant and about boys...

Random people keep asking me if I'm dating, including residents!...

And anything else that may be on my mind once I get the silly internet modem and get it hooked up.




If you guys are curious about the HESI, nursing school admissions, my life, my views, etc., just email me or put your question as a comment to this post. I will answer to the best of my ability!

I apologize for any excessive mistakes, it's tough to blog on a phone!

This May Be a Book

No, I'm not writing a book on purpose, but this post may be really long because I have had so much going on lately so I will write a shorter version and expound below for those who would rather not read my latest novel...

1) I got an apartment in an interesting complex because of my new/previous neighbors... It's good though.

2) Work is getting better.

3) My brother finally got into my university so he will be moving down with me.

4) My mom wants to move me in on Sunday, but I will be working until 3 so I don't know how that will go.

5) I was going to go see my kids (the children I babysit), but the little boy got sick. I really wanted to see them, but I'm behind in school so maybe G-d just wanted me to stay home a study a little more today.

6) Another boy asked me out...

Explainations:

1) Now, apartment shopping did not go as planned. My mom followed me down to the town my university is in (about an hour - an hour and a half drive) so that we could go look at some apartments in hopes of signing a lease and getting moved in soon. We went to one complex I had seen online and she did not like it at all. So then I took her to another complex that I really liked, she didn't. So, we went driving and exploring and found a few more. One was way too expensive and the other she loved. Turns out that the one she really likes is the one that my guy friends are moving into also! This is good because I will have them and my brother in case anything ever happens. This may not be so good because I am now in nursing school and the guys all like to hang out a lot. I have no time. Since time is such a difficult thing for me to come by, but they seem to have loads of time on their hands, I end up feeling like a bad guy for having to say no all the time because they don't like being told that I cannot do anything ever because I am bound and determined to get really good grades and become a nurse at some point, hopefully in the near future. Only G-d knows how this will end up working out. Until then, I am just relieved I got an apartment.


Since I explained that, let's talk about how nice it is! It feels really small. It's only 900-somethin' square feet, but it's better than the ones I had originally liked. It comes with a washer and dryer for no additional cost... inside of the apartment! So, I will not have to use laundry facilities because I have it in my apartment. My brother and I both have our own rooms and our own bathrooms. This will be so nice for getting ready in the morning because we will be riding together each day to save money on parking passes. We have a fireplace and a porch. We have a kitchen with plenty of counter space for making challah. Our dining room area is a lot bigger than I had expected and the living room is a decent size. So, even though it feels small now, once we put our furniture in, it will likely start to feel homier and it will be very good. Plus, it's on the second (top) floor. It is on the corner of a building and it's the very last building of the complex. So, we have tons of parking, no one banging on the floor above us, only one person directly next to us, and we have a view of the mountains. Praise the L-rd! He answered all of my requests in addition to providing me an apartment and money to pay the rent! It would have been sufficient to just let us have an apartment that I can afford, but He threw in all the things I wanted and lots of things I didn't even now I wanted!

2) Do y'all remember how miserable I used to be at work? Did I ever tell you about it? That was more of a rhetorical question because I can't remember and I'm talking to myself and then writing it down... Anywho, I used to hate work because I am slow, never know what I'm doing, and I felt like a failure most of the time because I would make the other CNA's get behind. Plus, I don't ever really feel like anyone likes me, so that played into my dislike of work a lot too. For the past month or so, however, I have been working a little more than full time hours and I have been making lots of money for my apartment. Since I'm working so much, I am getting a little faster and I made friends! I think they may actually agree that we are friends too because I'm not always the one to instigate the conversations, they come and talk to me just to see how life is really going. Then, they even share their life happenings, many of which are hard and require trust in order to tell me their situations.  So, I now don't mind work so much and I don't feel like a failure at work as often! This may sound odd, but it's good news.

3) He found out yesterday! I was wondering if he would actually get in because it is so close to the time when I need to move down there and he needs to get classes and he wasn't sure if he would be able to come with me. But, right after we signed the lease and he went back up to our hometown (he came down with my mom yesterday to look at apartments), he called the school and they told him he got in! Now I don't have to find a new roommate and I will get to live with my best friend, my brother. He drives me nuts, we drive each other nuts, but we also know how to live to together and we are actually pretty good together. Plus, it will be safer living with him than it would be if I were to live with another girl.

4) This is just a case of my parents loving me so much that they want to rush me into my apartment so that I don't have to drive an hour and a half both ways every day while I live at home. I left my friends house for a little while because I am homesick and I did something very stupid which is still a sore subject. I will tell you guys all about it another day though, once the sting has worn off. So, hopefully I can find a replacement for Sunday so that I don't have to miss moving into my apartment and so that my family doesn't have to do it all themselves because that's not fair for them!

5) This one is self-explanatory really. I haven't seen these kids in a really long time, since my birthday in the beginning of April actually, so I was going to go see them today. Unfortunately, the little boy puked, so his mom texted me and told me I could come if I wanted to, but she would understand if I didn't want to. I think this is actually a blessing in disguise. I feel so bad that he is not feeling well, especially because he is a toddler and toddlers do not take illness well. On the other hand, it is really good because I was stressing out about school because I am a bit behind of where I should be right now. So, now I will get caught up and I can go see them another time real soon. We may even be able to go to the pool instead of me having to leave early from the visit because I have to go to school the same day.

6) Now, this totally blindsided me and it's kind of a long story so hang with me. The girl I was staying with lives in a forest in the town I go to university in. There was a fire near her house and her and her mom were evacuated from their house which means I got evacuated too. We went and stayed at their friends house. At this house, the son had the whole basement to himself. He has a little living room with couches, a bathroom and his bed. So the three of us crashed in his basement while he went and stayed at his grandparents house because they were out of town anyway. I stayed there 4 days without ever meeting him, even though I was sleeping in his bed, using his bathroom, and getting to know his mom. He would come over for dinner every day, but I was working late and he always left before I arrived at his house so our paths never crossed. One day, I didn't have to work late so I actually ate dinner with them. We were all sitting in the living room eating because we were glued to the t.v. and all of a sudden they lifted the evacuation zone so that we could get back in! He and his friend (who also lives at their house) came with us to help us move back in and to make sure everything was safe. Then he texted my friend and asked her for my number. That was such a surprise. I thought he was cute, but since I'm refusing to date my other guy friend, I knew nothing could happen. Plus, I was certain that he did not like me back because I am just not the kind of girl guys typically ask out randomly. So she told me the whole situation, asked if she could give him my number and then he started texting me. We had only talked for a couple hours while we were waiting for the barricades to be lifted and I was so shocked when she told me the whole story.

So, he and I started texting for a couple days, just getting to know each other. He asked if I had a boyfriend and also asked what I look for in a guy. Haha, this poor kid doesn't know me at all! I kept it friendly and told him I don't know what I look for in a guy because I'm waiting for G-d to show me who I'm supposed to be with. Then he asked my friend and I to the movies with him and his friend. I declined because us girls do not have free time and we are not looking to date. He kept it friendly for a couple more days, then he asked me to dinner. Ahhhhhh! I don't know what to do with that. I've never been on a real date and that sounds like it's pretty close to a real date. I told him I couldn't but offered to go to coffee instead. He accepted and we talked for a solid hour and a half, but it only felt like 10 minutes.

I have yet to tell him that I'm not looking to get a boyfriend and I don't think he will like my boundaries if we ever were anything more than friends because we have very different morals. Those differences though will probably keep me from allowing this to become more than friends though.

But, he like muddin', hunting, fishing, working on engines, racing, and so many other things that I find so much fun! He is very masculine with dark hair, dark eyes, a souped up truck, and he is kind of a country boy that is stuck living in the city. He wants to be an EMT but he already has an Associate's degree in diesel mechanics and he is really smart. I have a think for country boys with souped up trucks and dark eyes... This doesn't seem like it can work though because he is Catholic, which is good because he is a believer, but our beliefs are very different. So, maybe G-d wants us to get married down the road, but for right now it seems like I am getting a "no-go" from the L-rd as far as dating is concerned.

After we went to coffee though, he hasn't texted me. It's been two days... I always wondered why it was such a big deal of who texts first after a "date" (I don't really consider this coffee meeting an actual date). I'm starting to understand it a little more though. If I text him, then I am not sure if he really likes me or not. If he texts me, then he may think that I am not interested in putting in the effort to text him. In my opinion, the guy should be in control. He should text/call first after a date. He needs to show the girl that he is interested in her and she has to be responsible to tell the guy that she is/isn't interested in furthering the relationship with him. I'm super traditional and old-fashioned though.

So, I am flattered that he thought I was cute and worth while because I still see myself as the chubby kid in class that thought she was ugly because she always hung out with really pretty girls who got asked out (since first or second grade on). Also, he thought I was attractive when I thought he was attractive too. I had a little crush on him from the time he went home that night from helping us back in all through work the next day but I doubted that anything would come of it because I was a mess, I said stupid things, and I'm not one of those pretty girls that guys usually ask out. I know that I am beautifully made, and very intricately designed, but I have a hard time believing that guys thing I'm pretty. This boy told my friend he thought I was gorgeous. That's a flat out lie and probably a line to get her to give him my number. Whatever, I had a small dose of confidence for a few days, especially since he said I was gorgeous even though my hair was up and a total wreck, my face was breaking out, and I was stressed because of work, school, and being homeless from the evacuation (their house is fine, I just felt homeless because I was displaced from living with my friend and it felt like I was living out of my car).

Now, I also feel guilty for even going to coffee with this guy because I have another guy that has a thing for me. I was not made for anything like this, I am not used to it, and I do not know how people even try to date two people at one time. I'm not even dating either one of them but I feels like I am in two separate relationships.

End of story for now.

Graduation

I am one proud sister. My brother graduated from high school! He is so tall he was towering over all of his classmates and we found him in the sea of everyone draped in the same gowns hundreds of yards away.

We are so very blessed to both be out of high school. Seeing as my brother and I are only 17 months apart, we have always done things fairly close together. Fortunately, that makes it possible for us to be fairly close pals... much of the time. Of course, we do get into a lot of fights, but those are beginning to stop! I had such a fantastic week with my brother. We played Frisbee, went to the park, went to the movies and did all sorts of stuff! Plus, when it was just us at home, we just joked around and talked.

L-rd willing, he will get into my university. Then, L-rd willing, we will be able to find an apartment to live in together and be able to afford life. Right now, I am freaking out because I have no concrete plans for next year. Funny thing though, is that G-d keeps letting my life be up in the air. Whether it is not knowing if I am going to be in nursing school, to not knowing where I will be working, I don't know what is going on! Not to mention who I will be living with or where we will be. Life seems to be falling apart. But, this happens a lot with me, and I think it may be because G-d is trying to break my worrying habits and the fact that I try to control everything and plan ahead for everything. He is teaching me to rely on Him. For some reason, I fail to completely rely on Him for my whole life. He gets me through some really tough situation, then I go back to trying to control the future. Folks, life doesn't work that way.

Still, through these struggles and lessons, G-d bestows wisdom on those willing to learn. Something occurred to me today: I would rather have the pain of wisdom than the ease of ignorance. That phrase popped into my head today during shul. I think it was a G-d thought.

The reason I say wisdom is pain, is because to get wisdom, you have to go through tough things in life. You have to experience rough patches or you have to learn from watching others go through difficult situations. I believe Solomon talked about how difficult it is to have wisdom because you understand the sad, angering, ridiculous things that happen in this life and sometimes why they happened. For me, wisdom is very important, but it is also frustrating for me because I replay what could have happened. At the same time, this is encouraging because I have helped so many people around me through their troubles. Not only do they survive the ordeal, but they succeed and they learn through the experience. To me, I would rather have the pains of wisdom than the ease and comfort of not knowing at all. Do you have any input on this? To me, ignorance is not bliss. It may seem like bliss at one point, but eventually reality catches up with everyone and slaps them in the face. So, why not just learn as much as possible in the first place and gain as much knowledge and wisdom as possible.

Daily Thanksgiving: G-d does not give up on me, or on any of us. He gives us wisdom and allows us to learn from our mistakes. He is also so very patient and gracious. My brother graduated and applied to my college. I have an amazing brother and we are beginning to get along. He is probably my closest friend and the only person I am closer to on earth is my mom. G-d has blessed me with a cute dog, a great brother, loving mom and dad and many, many friends.

Boundaries

Recently, I got yelled at over email because I told my former roommate (that I was going to room with next year too) that I could not live with her. I know that I did not handle the whole situation the way I was supposed to, but I had planned to talk to her in person. I asked her to let me know when she was leaving so that I could talk to her before we both left school for the summer, but she didn't so I had to email her. This was probably actually a blessing because I don't think I could have handled it very well. So, that was a blessing that she did not let me know when she was leaving. However, the email I received made me cry.

Fortunately, G-d showed me all the true colors of my former roommate before I signed a lease to stay with her for another year. She revealed how she really feels about me and I am pretty sure I was going to be used instead of in a partnership. Plus, it turns out that she had been the one spreading rumors that caused the problems last semester for me with my other roommates which has now blown up. However, G-d has brought me more friends than I ever expected. All of the people that they stopped talking to now talk to me and we have a huge group of friends.

Through all of this, I kept having this thought of, "what's wrong with me that I keep finding people that use me and people that hate me?" The last year I have been pestered by this awful thought but it is not true, it if from the Adversary. If people are going to be unhappy with the way that I set my boundaries and the fact that I will no longer bend over backwards for people that disrespect me time and time again, then they will have to talk with G-d about it.  She had continually put me down and talked about me poorly behind my back. The last stick of straw that broke my back was the fact that my other former roommates did something right in front of her and she didn't stick up for me. If we are going to live together and trust each other essentially with our lives, we need to stick up for each other and defend each other. Long story short, my tears today are now stopped and I have a strengthened resolve to stick up for myself because I can't depend on anyone to stick up for me if I don't do it for myself.

So, for everyone that reads my rantings and ravings about life and nursing school, please set boundaries for yourself. Teach people how to treat you and don't back down. Talk with G-d to see what boundaries you need to set up for yourself and ask Him to teach you how to enforce them in a loving and kind way. My boundaries are set by me and G-d and if they are challenged by other people, I will talk to G-d and see if I need to be changed. I will talk with my mentors and my parents to figure out what I need to change or if I even need to change. You should also find mentors that love you enough to tell you the truth with what they believe is best for you, based on sound, Biblically sound advice.

Gettin' Nervous

Guys, it's coming down to the wire for so many things. The HESI is in 4 weeks, finals are the week after next, it's time to find an apartment, and I also need to transfer to a hospital so I can work more. So many things to do, it's just a tad bit overwhelming.

Yes, I finally registered for the HESI. I take it in the beginning of June and L-rd willing I pass the test with a high enough score that I can get accepted into nursing school! I forked over the $90 virtually and I'm a little saddened that I had to pay about 1/3 of my paycheck to taking a test. I guess that just means that I really have to study hard and do well so I don't have to take it again.

Currently, I'm at the library working on not procrastinating so much and I'm starting a bunch of my assignment early! So, the procrastinating is only getting cut slightly because I should probably not be writing right now, but I'm a work in progress...

Our apartment hunting went really well today. We found some great places and they are close to school. It scares me a little bit because 1) I'm moving out of my parents house which is so weird and 2) the places that we can afford all smell strange and have some shady characters. Regardless, we found some better places that are still cheap and one doesn't smell terribly funky, so we are making head-way.

Job applications are yet to be sent in. I have heard that I should be able to transfer to a hospital in the same family of owners, so hopefully that is true and I can start working 12 hour shifts instead of 8 hour shifts or a double. I don't think I can handle working a double, I would probably collapse from exhaustion.

Daily Thanksgiving: Apartment hunting was a success, we are closer to the end of our process. G-d kept us safe from the silly drivers found in our little town, because there are some creative driving styles here. I made it to the library instead of taking a nap, which is a success. I also started my 10 page paper a week early, which is a new concept for me, but I hope that when I finish that I feel good. Hopefully that good feeling can translate into the rest of my life and motivate me to not procrastinate and cut down my stress levels. I was feeling pretty sick earlier, but I think G-d is healing me before I actually get super sick! It's a beautiful day out and I may just be able to play football with my friends later. Also, G-d is decreasing my worry and helping me to get my work done before it's all due the same day. I got to have chick-fil-a for lunch which is probably my favorite fast food place ever because they have really nice staff and delicious food.

Presentation Done!

I hate talking in front of people. Public speaking is worse for me than taking a pop quiz, I just hate it. Today, I had to give a ten minute presentation on my paper for English. It went alright, not great, but I wasn't super nervous because G-d calmed my nerves a little bit. But, now it is done which means that besides homework, I only have: 3 finals, 2 lab tests, and a 10-12 page paper standing between me and my week-long summer break!

I was going to rant about something that I have been noticing the past few years, but I totally forgot what it is... So, I will likely write about it later, if I remember.

In the meantime, let's talk about weight. Dangerous subject, but I think I need to explain this to someone right now before I burst and just unload on one person. So, on the stairs hike I went on a few weeks ago, I was the slowest person. I called it and I had warned my group several times. Two guys stayed and went slow with me even though I told them to go ahead and I would meet them at the top. It was super sweet of them to stay with me and try to make me feel like I wasn't such a failure, but I know the truth. Anyway, the past few weeks I've gotten come flack, which I deserve, for having been the slowest person. I move slow anyway, but that was ridiculously slow for me because my legs stopped working... Regardless, I've been the chubby/fat kid in class for most of my life since second or third grade. That's nobody's fault but mine, I get that. I just get embarrassed talking about how chubby I still see myself or how unfit I continue to be. Yes, I am working on it, slowly, but I don't need it pointed out by friends. When people give me hugs, I can't stop thinking about my "love handles," which just happens to be the most ridiculous name for flabs of fat because I don't feel like being loved because I have these nuisances on my sides. When people hug me from behind, I get so self-conscious and I usually harp on that thought of "was I squishy?" or "did they notice my love handles when their hands lingered on the sides of my abdomen?" I am trying to move past this, but for right now, I just need to vent. Have y'all noticed that people lean in for far too many hugs, for far too long, and then they linger? Maybe I'm just around an odd group of especially touchy people, but I think I may lose it here directly. Even women at shul come in real close, lean in for a hug, and then when they decide the hug is over 3 hours later, they leave their hands on my sides. Worst feeling I think I've felt in a long time. I'm not a touchy person, so that probably plays a slight role in my hands phobia, but there is no need to be constantly feeling people around you.

Also, to you close talkers out there: Please get out of my bubble! You can always test people to see if they are close talkers because 1) they will stand really close, almost kissing distance, and begin a conversation 2) if you move back, they follow! This drives me nuts because I will back up 20 feet and into a wall and still can't get away from these silly people. I love you close talkers, I do, otherwise I wouldn't talk to you. With that said, get out of my space. I need at least an arms length (fully extended) between you and me. Even that is not far enough apart.

So, you hug lingerers and close talkers, just be aware that those of us with anxiety are freaking out around you because we never know when we will get hit with a full-on frontal-attach (hug) or hit by a wall (as we back up to give ourselves room to breathe). We love you, but we need space.

Any tips for workouts to make my flabs go away? They aren't just on the sides of my abdomen, they are all over. I'm still just a chubby girl, the chub is just better proportioned and distributed to where women are supposed to have curves from what society tells us. Maybe I'll just move to a country where it's attractive to be a little chunky. That way I could get away from the problems of this life and go get different problems in a different country with different people and a new view! Or, I'll just move to Scottland, or Iceland, or Holland, or something...

Big news: I'm moving out of the country! Just kidding, I only might move out of the country. But seriously, I have been looking into this!

Daily Thanksgiving: It's Thursday, meaning that it's my last day of classes for the week and I only have chem lab left today. That's amazing. 2 weeks of school left. Snow stopped, but it's still cold. I have been pretty productive since learning I am a Type A personality that gets close to maxing out the procrastination scale. Did I mention only 2 weeks left of school? I get to go apartment shopping tomorrow, again, but I'm still pretty excited. G-d has brought me to the end and He has kept me safe through most of my first year of college, and I believe He will continue to keep me safe through the last little stretch.

Weary Soul

Y'all, I'm so exhausted. I am ready for school to be over (1.5 weeks of learning left, then 1 week of finals). I am ready to know where I am going to live next year and I would really like to be able to get a job in a hospital soon! Also, I just want the HESI to be over with (unfortunately, I have not begun studying for it yet...) L-rd willing, I will get into nursing school for fall 2013, but I don't know if that's going to happen and it's stressing me out. At least today is my last lab before my very last anatomy practical (lab test) so I am almost done with A&P. Funny thing is, I just realized that as I was typing. Seeing as I dislike this class very much, I thought I would have had a count-down long ago, but it never even crossed my mind. School just needs to be over and I need to be a nurse and/or a midwife already!!!!!!!!

That brings me to another point of interest: Should I continue on with school for midwifery as soon as I graduate with my BSN? Should I work as a nurse for awhile then go back to school? What if I get married? What about children? Where will I be? Will I even get married? Am I even able to reproduce? How am I going to be able to pay for midwifery school and pay off my undergrad debt? Will I become a nurse at all? Will I even live to see 3-5 years from now? What am I doing here?

I don't know. I have no answers to any of these questions and there is a good chance I will not have any answers for awhile, or at least until G-d decides to tell me what's going on. Maybe He never will and I will just be here, living, doing stuff without knowing why I am doing anything at all...

Yes, I'm still in a funk from the last couple of weeks and it's starting to cause pain in my shoulders and I am not sleeping as well anymore (even with magnesium!).

Daily Thanksgiving: I am not in control of my life, G-d is. If I were in control, my life would be awful! But G-d holds my past, present, and future and He knows what He's doing. I am almost finished with school for the Spring 2013 semester. Summer is almost here which means I only have 1 class for a few months and I will be able to work a lot more in order to save up a little bit for an apartment. My past/future roommate (the same person, it's a long story but I've written about it before) and I found quite a few nice apartments. Some places even have 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms on our price range! I am almost not a freshman and I am almost 1/4-1/5 of the way done with my undergrad degree (depending if I get into the nursing program in the Fall of 2013 or not). G-d is teaching me, yet again, to not worry and to trust Him.

It just occurred to me that I should be telling you guys about my favorite verses and the Bible stories I am reading! So here is one of my favorite verses, I can't remember if I've shared it with you yet or not.

1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.

He gave me that verse one day when I was sobbing because of my anxiety about the future. Funny how He has the exact right words to give you and He meets you were you are.

Sinking Feeling

Hey guys, I got my grades back from all of my tests last week. I got a B on all of them... I am so frustrated with myself! I totally could have studied more and studied harder and for longer, but I didn't. So, I got a B on my anatomy lecture and lab tests, and also a B on my Psych exam. Now I'm just waiting for my English paper to be graded because I turned that in today, with a sinking suspicion that I did not do well. The only good grade I got all last week was a 19/20 on my chem quiz. Yes, I know that B's are not the end of the world, nor are they bad grades, I am simply frustrated with myself because this was my last chance to bring my grades up in Anatomy and in Chem, but I blew it! Well, I haven't taken my chem test yet, that's on Wednesday and I better get to studying for it right now.

I am so stressed out about grades, the HESI, summer classes, school, housing next year and verything else, I think I may just have a panic attack...

These types of days make me wonder how I think I can even get into nursing school. Or, how can I make it as a nurse? I don't know how this is going to happen because I can't even get through the prereques with good grades and sanity, how am I ever supposed to go through nursing school and be an RN? The only way is by complete miracles from G-d because everyone, especially me, knows that I cannot do this!

Moving on to daily thanksgivings... I am thankful that I get to go home this weekend for my parent's 19th wedding anniversary. I am finished with last week and will be able to pick up and move on because I can't change my tests now. I am finished with Monday and I have amazing friends who are supporting me through my ridiculous bouts with anxiety and random spurts of depression. G-d has truly blessed me with incredible, supportive, sweet people to help me through so many struggles, even when they are all in my head (which is the majority of the time). Also, G-d didn't let me fail one test last week. Even though I am not pleased with my grades, He provided me with decent grades and if He wants me to have A's, then I will have A's. If not, then I will be thankful that He allows me to pass my prereques.

Bad Driver, That's Me...

There is a good chance that you have heard that women are terrible drivers. This is not completely true and it is not a complete lie. When my friend and I went apartment shopping, I was the designated driver, and it was not a great experience for her, as I have recently been informed of, in front of a huge group of my friends. I was the butt of nearly 10 minutes worth of jokes, but I just laughed along. They were pretty funny, and somewhat true, but that doesn't mean they didn't hurt just a little and I was embarrassed. Now, I can refuse to drive people, because I'm a bad driver...

Just to give you an idea of how bad, let's review the points she brought up, and a couple she failed to mention:

1. I almost ran a stop sign. (I was looking at apartment complexes and just missed the little red sign. Fortunately, she pointed it out and I stopped with no problem.)
2. According to her, I ran into a little column that sticks out in random parking spaces in our university's parking garage. (My story: I did not run into it, I tapped it, with my car, because I was not sure how long my car was, but it was a minor tap!)
3. She failed to mention that I slammed on the breaks to avoid running a red light even though she told me to just go through it.
4. Also, I drive a stick shift, and I am not a smooth shifter (she didn't say this).

So, clearly I am a terrible driver. I am actually aware that I am not a good driver, it just sucks to be made fun of in front of all my friends... But hey, it's cool, whatever. I get made fun of for lots of stuff. Then I change the behavior or practice, then I'm not so bad. I guess, this will have to be one of those times where I just practice and get better so that I cannot be mocked anymore. Even though it stings, I think this may be beneficial, because at least someone is honest with me so that I can make others more comfortable.


Also, I have noticed that I do the "..." thing a lot. I really am fond of it and I would put it in a lot more, but I figure I overuse it. How can you not though? It's like one of my favorite things!

Apartment Hunting

This is a difficult job because it is so time consuming. While it is exciting, it is also a tedious and exhausting process, but hopefully we will find a great apartment and get to move in this summer! It's kind of frustrating though because really nice places pop up in my search and I can't wait until I can afford a nicer place, but that will not be for a very, very long time. Probably like 8 years... Thank you loans and student debt!

I am so excited though. I will get to have a shotgun of my very own in my room and I will be a big girl living without parental ties. Right now I have everything that I can't use at school at home with my parents, but after this summer, that will no longer be the case. Too bad I can't just live with them because I would have good food and no rent or bills to pay, but that just won't work right now. Maybe I can live with them while I am completing my Midwife courses!

Anyway, Shabbat Shalom! I hope y'all have a good day of rest and I hope you actually get to rest and thank G-d for this beautiful day.

Daily Thanksgiving: It's Shabbat! I get to rest and relax and do a whole lot of nothing after my very busy, stressful week.

Summer

Guys, I cannot wait until summer. My former roommate, also my future roommate, and I went apartment hunting today. We found so many great options! Now, we just have to narrow down our list to a top few for different scenarios (if we can get more people or if it will just be us). Then it's time to call, reserve places, and start saving up for our deposit. This is so scary but so exciting! I will have a place of my own, bills of my own, and a job and a car of my own. The last two I already had, but that whole list is basically what being an adult is about, paying for stuff. Stuff we could live without, but our society tells us we need it to survive in this culture, so, unfortunately, we buy into it. Oh well, it is what it is and I am almost an adolescent adult... That's the next step from baby adult, which I still am. And yes, I am making all of these titles and steps up. It's just part of how I view life. Dude, one of the next big steps is getting hitched... after college of coarse, but still that's so scary to think about. Then kids and so on.

I have to stop freaking myself out and just take one day at a time.

In other news, I got new dresses today. Have you ever been to Plato's Closet? It's like a consignment place but they have the cutest stuff for super cheap. So I bought three dresses and though y'all should know about it because I'm pretty pumped for summer.


Daily Thanksgiving: G-d allowed us to see our top apartment picks and they are even better in person. We found even more options in a nicer part of town! I have loads of friends and I am super excited about my roommate(s) next year because I love all of them. My parents are going to let me use some of their furniture that they don't use anymore and it's really nice. I am moving out and while it's scary, I know G-d is providing a way for me to grow and mature and rely on Him. I got new dresses that are modest and they were cheap! That doesn't seem to happen anymore, either one of them. I have Fridays off and also I got to go to chick fil a today. Today was an awesome day. Also, G-d kept me safe while driving because I was side-tracked and people drive nuts!!!

Continuation

I tried to find a word different than update because it seems I use that word ("update") in a lot of my blog titles... so I chose continuation, but it doesn't really make sense...

Anywho, I haven't done a whole lot with my day. I went to English without my completed paper, but my teacher didn't seem to care. Then I had chem lab and I got so embarrassed! So my lab partner and I are always the last people because we are always messing around and talking. Then my lab instructor came over to see if we were doing alright and they started joking around about how funny it would be if I ever cursed anybody out or yelled at them because I have a fairly high-pitched, soft voice. I turned all sorts of red! Then I got redder because I was embarrassed that I was blushing which made the whole situation worse. Whatever, it was pretty funny. Now I am the Hulk with an anger problem in chem lab... Haha, at least we have a good time.

Also, I got to work-out today!!! I ran for a whole 5 minutes and burned about 250 calories by running that little bit and walking. That's not bad. I know it takes a whole lot more calorie burning to actually lose weight, but I just do cardio to burn energy so I can sleep better and do something besides sit in my room. Maybe tomorrow I will conquer the stair stepper, or probably an elliptical first because stairs kill and I need to climb 2600+ stairs to start to train for the stair hike. That's a lot of stairs! But, I have rarely had goals that I actually go through on, but I really want to do this so that I am not the slowest person who keeps their whole group waiting for an hour. It's also good because I used to be the chubby kid in class. I was called fat repeatedly by different groups of kids in different grades and schools. Now, for the first time I am comfortable (kind of) with where I am and I am finally starting to enjoy exercise, not as a weight loss campaign that I get on a month before the pool opens, but as something that makes me feel good. Nobody is pushing me but myself and if I want to run, I run. If I just want to talk, that's all I do. This is a big step for me because I usually resist exercise because I was forced onto diets as an elementary and middle school student because I hated the way I looked. G-d is showing me the beauty in my curves and He is also teaching me to eat healthy to keep this body healthy because it is His body, I just rent it while I'm here on earth.

Daily Thanksgiving: All my tests are done for this week and I am now on the weekend! I got a volunteer opportunity with a faith-based medical clinic and I will get to work, hopefully, as a CNA in a clinical setting! I got to work-out and I ran today. Also, I probably could have run longer than 5 minutes which is big for me because I don't run (normally). G-d is showing me the beauty in this body he created. I have an amazing lab partner and a great chem lab instructor. Regardless of the cold weather that has come in and the bad feelings about my tests, I am having a great week. I have Shalom and joy, true joy that only comes from the Father. Tomorrow I get to go apartment shopping with my old roommate who is going to be my roommate again next year! I get to live with the girl that I got along with when I was in my dorm suite (before I moved out).

3 Tests Completed

I just finished my final test. It was in anatomy and I'm not so sure I did very well. All three tests are leaving me pessimistic about grades, but that is largely my fault for not studying more in the past few weeks. L-rd willing, I will get decent grades, but that will take a miracle from G-d! Now I get to go to English, with an incomplete paper... It's only peer review and my friends are in that class so they can read it for me, but it's still just frustrating and slightly worrisome not being prepared for class.

In other news, we were talking about clinical psychological disorders in psych, and it turns out I had 11/11 of the symptoms at one point and now I'm down to 7/11 symptoms. I know that this doesn't mean that I definitely had clinical depression, but it makes me feel better that it wasn't just all in my head and I wasn't the only person who has ever experienced it. Also, I have anxiety, but it's only minor anxiety. Both of these things are hereditary in my family so I am sure there will be more battles with both anxiety and depression, but for the time being I'm doin' alright.

I'll check in later tonight after I go to the gym for the first time in a week! It's been two weeks since the stair hike and my friends are going again on Saturday, but it's supposed to be cold and I feel really bad for making them wait for so long at the top. Likely I will go next week by myself, but we will see.

Also, I am going with my potential roommates to go look at apartments tomorrow and I am so beyond stoked!!! It makes my heart happy to think about living on my own... then I think about leaving my parents for the rest of my life and that makes me sad. Then I get anxious about bills and how I am going to afford everything... But, for right now, my heart is happy about the future and I am glad I have someone who asked to live with me so I don't feel like such a huge burden!