Trial and Error

Ugh, the amount of high's and low's I experience per shift in L&D has given me a terrible case of whip lash. One shift goes great, while the very next night is absolute hell and I can't seem to do anything right.

Last night's shift was a crazy combination of both.

I admitted a patient who was there for an elective induction, but did not want any of the meds to get labor started...

Then I immediately got another pt who needed an epidural pronto and then her blood pressures bottomed out and she went from a 5 to a 10 and delivered in 1.5 hours.

About 3 hours after the delivery, as I was getting caught up on charting, my preceptor came to me and asked if I minded taking ice water into the delivered patient, and asking what they decided to name the baby since they had waited until after the birth to pick a name. I went in, asked what the name was and you know what? They named their baby after me! I was with them for a total of maybe 5 hours, missed her whole recovery because of my other pt, and they honored me by naming their baby after me. Yes, I happy cried and teared up in the room. I don't think I have ever been so honored by anyone, let alone someone that I barely knew.

I came out and sat down to chart when my other pt pressed her call light. I went in and she said she thought her water broke. Okay, so normally we are supposed to check them when that happens so that I could report to the doctor. Well, this particular doctor was planning to come in and check her and break her water about 30 minutes after when she SROM'd. So, I figured I would check her (as normal) and go let him know. Well, I got REAMED for that because apparently he likes to check his own patients when he is at the hospital. I had been told this at the beginning of my orientation, but I am still in the task-oriented phase of learning and I did what would normally be done.

I'm trying to let it roll off my shoulders and just learn for next time, but it's still frustrating to me that we bend over backwards for doctors, and yet they yell at us for something so small as a preference. Nobody was hurt, nothing bad happened, and it didn't change the course of treatment at all...

I will do it differently next time. I will do my best to remember the little nuances and remember every doctor's preferences as best I can... but I'm still going to complain about the way that we are chewed out for stupid shit every day, just because the doctor is having a bad day or likes some random things done a very specific way.



Deep breaths. He'll be mad at me for the next several weeks and I will have months of proving myself to him and the other doctors. I hate this part, but I am also the most motivated when I feel like people are expecting me to fail, so I guess we'll see how it goes. L-rd willing, I don't struggle too bad.

Me and My Big Mouth

Mema came into town yesterday so I got to go visit with her and my uncles and their family yesterday. The uncles were seperated because it wasn't a big dinner or anything. So, I was invited to dinner tonight by one and then went to visit with the other. I thought they had been invited and knew about the whole ordeal. They did not... So, I went to the second uncle's house and told them about a barbeque happening tonight that was not actually happening. Awesome.

I got to put out my fire today after realizing the first uncle may not have meant it to be a big deal... Then I explained that to the second uncle's family. Now they are planning one anyway since I invited them to something that wasn't happening and I am thoroughly embarrassed. Praise the L-rd for kind family but I really need to stop assuming those two families talk all the time!

Ugh, if I had a house out there then I could have just invited everyone to my house to fix this whole mess. Instead, I just have to deal with the embarrassment of my big mouth and go to dinner with my tail between my legs. Someday I will learn to watch what I say, until then I will just have to deal with a constantly bruised ego.

Shiftin' Gears

I'm going to start with a confession. Several really, but the main one is that I like to shift really fast in my manual car when I am stressed. For some reason it helps me blow off some steam. I don't go fast enough that I get a "fast driving award" (my uncle's name for a speeding ticket), I just shift faster than all of the automatic cars next to me and I feel like a boss!

So, coming home from my parent's house yesterday, I was frustrated because I had been on the highway for about an hour in traffic, then I got stuck behind some joker who decided to go 10 mph under the speed limit and then just had to get off on MY exit. Yes, I know how selfish and irrational that is, but don't tell me you don't have them thoughts too! Anywho, we were then both turning left. Fortunately, there were two separate turning lanes. I get past them just to meet them again at another red light. L-rd, what are you doing to me? I'm just trying to get home so that I can change to get to church on time!!! As my blood started boiling at this silly red light, I crank up the tunes and get ready for green. When that green light came I was first through the intersection until some little blue car that looked like it was actually supposed to be able to go that fast passed me up. We were so far in front of anyone else that it didn't matter anymore and so I got up to speed and just kept driving as normal. Awhile later I needed into the lane they were in. I noticed that they slowed from their racing pace and the passenger was waving out of the moon roof. I figured they were waving at the car next to them, so I didn't think anything of it when they stuck their arm out the window and brought it back in about 4 times. When I got to my turn off, they slowed their car, got next to mine and rolled down the passenger window! Oh my gosh! I don't know what they were doing, but they were some cute guys and I'm hopin' they were surprised that it was a girl in a redneck lookin' SUV shiftin' as smooth and as quick as I was. I don't know about flirting in any capacity, but they way that guy was lookin' at me, I'm thinkin' he may have been flirt-waving at me... They may have also been waving at me because they beat me. I don't know.

Anyway, I am hoping it was the first reason because it made me feel pretty darn cool that my little car almost beat their actual racing car and then they realized that I'm a girl. I didn't wave back because I was so shocked, but I gave the guy riding shotgun a bit of a smile.

I can't believe I almost forgot to tell y'all that story!

Another confession is that it made me feel pretty good after my break up. This whole relationship has made me feel so unstable. I knew I have chronic depression, severe anxiety, and possibly some other psychological problems and I knew that that was something I would need to work on before I ever started anything with anyone, regardless of how well they knew me beforehand. Along with everything else that I ignored about a month and a half ago, I ignored that. So, when I was strapped into this roller-coaster with another human, I realized how nuts I actually am instead of being able to down-play it the way I normally do. Now that we've broken up, and even during our time "together," I was wondering if I would ever be able to have an actual relationship that leads to a marriage and the rest of my life spent with someone. I still don't know if that is possible, but I am still highly unnerved because I learned so much about myself and it's not good stuff. I never realized how selfish, unstable, weird, nerdy, selfish, quirky, difficult, selfish, lonely, independent, selfish, judgmental, hypocritical, selfish, and ridiculous I am. Yes, I threw selfish in there several times, but even that is a conservative estimate of how selfish I actually am. Those are also just the easy examples that come to mind right now, there is a laundry list of thousands of terrible personality traits I discovered about myself. It's been a rough month and a half. Good news, though, I was wondering if G-d had been telling me to get rid of my kissing policy, turns out He hasn't. So, I am so glad that I didn't do that in this relationship. He was just being quite to see what I would do... I don't like it when He does that...

Tech Support, this is BedpanAlley...

I got to work in one of our academic buildings today after my shift in the library because someone was sick. Guys, I LOVED it! Let's start off by mentioning that I opened as IT support in the library this morning. We had a power surge a few hours after opening and that causes a surprising amount of problems for computers and technology campus-wide. In the library I had a lot of trouble shooting and I thought I broke one of the printers that cost a billion dollars (I'm exaggerating here). It turns out that I didn't, it just needed to be shown who is boss. Well, I just restarted it... After that shift, I went over to our main IT help desk in one of the nearby academic buildings. They were still fixing a lot of problems by the time I left at 4:30 p.m. However, I learned a ton and I got a walkie talkie over there. I missed having a radio from my cashiering job, they really are fun and convenient.

So, my day went really well and I like my boss even more because every time I would ask a question over the radio, he would meet me there without even asking for his help just to make sure that I had help should I need it. He is super nice, nicer than any of my bosses from any previous job. Well, that's not counting the lady I babysit for, or any of the families I have babysat for really because I love them all like they were my own family. I hope I get more training in that IT position so that I can be there next semester. That's how they usually do it, but I just get so excited for it to actually come and I get so excited to learn all this new, great stuff. After days like today, I feel so much smarter but I also realize how much I didn't know and how much there still is to learn. Perhaps someday I can be one of the student managers. Until then, I am content working in the slow-paced library and learning little baby bits over time because if I had many more days like today, my brain may explode from the huge increase in knowledge from class and from work!

That brings me to something I discovered today: I am really strange to those just getting to know me. I had heard it before but never understood the magnitude of my strangeness before today. My boss' wife is a NICU nurse at a local hospital that I had a CNA position offer for so he knows some of the nursing stuff, not much, but a little I think. He asked me how classes were and, being the crazy person that I am, I started telling him about how much fun I had reconstituting the fake powdered medicine in one of my classes and also went on about how I love playing with needles and vials of "medicine." My coworker was also in on the conversation and those two guys just smiled and looked at me like I needed to be locked up and given huge amounts of crazy pills. Maybe it's because my face lights up and I start talking really fast because I'm excited about it, or maybe it's the fact that I told them I love playing with needles. I don't know. I do know, however, that I get this look a lot. I can't help it that I share stuff that excited me about school and I want people to share what they are excited about too. I love when things finally pertain to my career choice and I think it's neat that I can love going to class because of the little things like this that make my week. Perhaps I do need to keep the fact that I love needles on the DL, but for right now, I just can't manage keeping that inside. I bet telling them that I get my blood drawn just to watch the needle go into my arm and to see the blood that used to be inside of me was most likely a tad much. But hey, at least I'm genuine, honest, and excited to be going into nursing. I don't want to be a nurse for the money, 3 work days a week, or for the ability to travel the country for a huge increase in pay. No, I want to be a nurse to care for the sick, injured, and dying in order to help them through this stage in their life with as much dignity and comfort as possible. I want to be a way for G-d's healing and love to reach those who are hurting and in need.

Daily Thanksgiving: I got training for one of the higher IT level positions. I learned a ton and had really nice teachers that called me for help and were patient when I didn't know what to do. I was paired with an amazing student manager who is a great teacher and explained everything with great amounts of grace and patience. (Are you noticing a pattern with the patience?) G-d revealed to me that I am crazy, but it's a good kind of crazy that will give me the purpose I need to continue on as a nurse. I have amazing bosses at my new IT job! That's a big one with me. My mom is also coming down tomorrow for a quick little visit before I go to my doctor's appointment tomorrow (more on that later.) We are getting so much rain here it's not even funny. I love the rain though! However, we had several fires this year and a few last year which is causing a lot of problems now that it is raining. So, if we could get prayer that no more people be killed and that no damage is done to the houses in the burn scars, that would be great!




BTW, the title is how we answer the phone. I know I wouldn't have known that so I'm just trying to help you guys out. :)

Thoughtful Thursday! “Giving Birth Is A Natural Process…”

Thoughtful Thursday! “Giving Birth Is A Natural Process…”

Very true. Still doesn't firm up my beliefs about birth control yet, though.

Why am I even thinking about birth control? I don't even have a boyfriend yet...

Finals are Finally Finished!

Yes, I was trying to use alliteration. I am that nerdy that I like to do silly stuff like that, and I'm cheesy.

Anyway, I took my last final exam of freshman year and I am officially finished with my first year of college!!! Y'all, I thought I would be happier, but it's really bitter sweet. This is the last night in my dorm room. I will likely never live this close to my friends every again and I will not be eating all my meals with them and seeing them all day, every day. While I am happy to be out of school for the summer (one whole week for me), I am also very sad that this year has come to an end. It was really exciting and I had a lot of fun. I also learned a ton in my classes and even more about people. It also seems that I have learned a lot about myself too. I am stronger than I ever thought. I am able to rely on G-d even though I make terrible mistakes. Also, I am capable of making friends.

That last one was a huge deal for me because I have lived my whole life wondering what is wrong with me and why people will not hang out with me. It turns out that I am nice to everyone and the people that really jump on nice people are people that may not be so nice themselves. So, while I am a little bit nuts and may not be a great friend, I am not the only problem in the majority of the failed friendships I have been a part of in the past. Confrontation, forgiveness, courage, and independence (from people, but dependence on G-d) are huge lessons that I began to learn this year. Of course I am not anywhere near through learning these yet, but I have a pretty good start on them.

Another huge one is that I can be liked by a boy. I have been "liked" just like I have been "friends" with people. In reality, it just means that I am being used and walked on. While I am very grateful for the experiences and lessons I have learned from these people, I am even more glad that G-d showed me that I can be cared for too. This is a big deal for me. It seems like all my life I care for everyone around me so deeply, but I never see that caring reciprocated. In this recent case, I'm liked back and someone likes the way I smile and laugh. He likes me for me and respects my boundaries... once I get around to discussing those with him (which I also did tonight).  I was fearfully and wonderfully made. Someday, I can be cherished by a man. Perhaps I will be married to a guy someday, that loves G-d more than he loves me. And he will love me more than he loves the things of this world. But, our marriage will be based on G-d, first and foremost. This is possible, despite the many shortcomings I find in myself and the various doubts the Adversary tries to sneak into my brain.

Daily Thanksgivings: G-d gives me the words I need to explain what He has impressed upon my heart. He protects me and guides me through the various problems and struggles I have in this life. I am cherished by the Creator of the Universe and someday He will teach a man how to cherish me too. Freshman year has come to an end and I have made so many friends and learned so very much. Finals are over!!!