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Today I am having a hard day. Today, I need to vent in a place where I will not see the judgement on everyone's face, and where I will not hear the backlash and get lectured on it later. So, please no replies to today's post. I love you all, I respect your wish to help me and not see me hurt, but sometimes it's okay to just let someone deal with stuff alone. Today, this post, these are one of those times.

I broke up with Fiance Wednesday. I wasn't planning it and I wasn't expecting it but I did. We had planned to hang out. We hung out for awhile, and then he needed to go. Towards the end, while he was driving me back to my car, he was lecturing me about stupid stuff. I was getting irritated and I have been struggling with our relationship for several months now. He ended up asking me (for the millionth time) if I was done fighting.

That is usually his way of letting me know he sees that I am frustrated and that I'm having a hard time attempting to stay in the relationship. That day I was done. He asked if I was done fighting and I said yes. He asked if that meant that we were over, I said yes.

We got to my car and spent the next half hour talking, holding hands, hugging, and he kissed me a few times. I cried, like a lot. Like, a lot a lot. Then I got in my car, he drove away and I sat there for awhile getting to a place where I could be able to see while driving.

I spent the rest of the day crying and being with friends. I only told my brother, Beauty, and my new Roommate. They seem supportive of me but nobody knows what to say to me. I spent the next day sleeping and crying. We continued to talk a little bit and I got a lot of things off my chest because he kept asking questions so I answered them honestly. He went out drinking both nights and texted me the whole time he was out. Friday he ended up calling me and we talked for awhile. He asked more questions and I answered truthfully still. He went out drinking again then came to my apartment drunk. We talked for two or three hours out in his truck. He begged me to take him back. I told him to ask me when he was sober.

He ended up asking me again the next morning. I told him I don't know. We keep talking, he keeps asking "what's the plan?". I keep responding with I don't know. As of right now, we are trying to work things out, but my heart's not in it, he knows that because I've flat out told him so.

New Roommate has been watching me through all of this. A couple weeks ago we were drinking at home and she started asking questions. Those questions ended up revealing that the relationship I have with him is not the healthiest and she is now scared of him. I get it. I would be reacting the same way if I was watching her go through this, but I feel like I am in control. I see what is going on behind the scenes, that she doesn't see, and I know that he and I have had a really rough ride but I know that I can walk away when I need to. I've done it already, I can do it again.

He's upset that the relationship is not the same that it was before we broke up. I told him that I need time to figure stuff out and trust him again. He didn't do anything like cheat on me, I just found some stuff out, that he admitted to, but didn't want to tell me. I feel slighted and stupid. Shit happens.

In church, we're talking about how G-d takes us through wildernesses and then allows things to happen to us to see how we'll react and to see if we will still trust Him. I don't necessarily think this relationship is a wilderness right now, I know that my current situation is largely caused by my poor choices. However, I am reminded of Job and how he was righteous and G-d saw that he was doing well. G-d then allowed him to be tested to ensure that his heart was pure and true. Well, if I am in a wilderness, I do believe I'm probably failing the tests. I'm probably failing all of the tests. My heart is angry, I'm impatient, I don't want to talk to anyone, I was to isolate myself, and I am picking up some habits that are slightly frowned upon. I'm tired guys. Right now, my life is really hard and I feel like I've messed it up beyond repair. I know that G-d can work miracles and fix everything, I'm just not seeing it right now. That's okay, He does everything in His own timing and I await the day when I get to see how He works a miracle through this incredible mess I've made. Unfortunately, I'm not able to hold my breath that long because I've been waiting months and I'm not seeing it. In fact, it's gotten worse over the past couple of months. So, I wait expectantly hoping for a miracle, but riding out the storm I've found myself in.

I'm angry, I feel completely used up, graceless, unforgiving, frustrated, exhausted, irritated, and I wish that I didn't have to live this life. The only thing keeping me going is knowing that I love the L-rd and I hope with all of my heart that this will be over and the L-rd has some kind of purpose for my life. I don't know what the purpose is, I can't even begin to imagine that anything can be made from this disaster. Anything is possible with G-d, He's the only way anything'll work.

I've been laughing all afternoon...

My brother is moving out tomorrow... well, he moves out officially tomorrow, he's already staying there tonight. Not really a huge deal, he warned me a number of months ago. He is breaking our agreement for the lease but that's another story.

So, he brought a buddy over to help him load his mattress today. We sat around talking for a little bit, loaded the mattress, not a big deal. At the end of their visit, our conversation stumbles across a path I did not know existed. My brother mentioned that he was moving out because I kicked him out. I did not recall ever doing such a thing which made him really defensive. "You kicked me out!" I asked him what I said and when. He was unable to answer that question and just kept replying that I kicked him out. He didn't say how or when or anything else besides he is moving out because I forced him to leave. I am thinking that he told that story to all of his friends and got mad because I called him out on it in front of another friend. They both proceeded to leave and left me all alone.

I was super mad. Like, super beyond angry. I don't know that I've ever been so mad at him or at a certain set of circumstances. So, I decided to be "productive." I pulled a Miranda Lambert (reference "Baggage Claim" and "Gunpowder and Lead" and really many of her songs to get an idea of what I was acting like). I started packing all of his stuff. Sure, he'll probably be mad and shocked tomorrow but hey, you want to tell people I'm kicking you out? Then fine! I will make sure that your belongings are ready to go first thing in the morning and you can leave me behind in a cloud of dust to figure out this mess you have now left me in. Now I have to find a roommate and pay YOUR rent that you agreed to pay when I signed the lease (because you were a minor at the time) but are now skipping out on. He said he would help with his part of the rent until the lease is up but I don't see that happening.

Needless to say, I went a little nuts. However, I finally understand why women (people) throw all of the boyfriend's/husband's things on the front lawn when they do something soooooooo stupid that it warrants them getting kicked out of their own house. I came pretty close to that myself but G-d didn't let me remember that people do that while I still had the energy to do anything. So, it's all just piled up in the living room.

I didn't even need a gun because sometimes that isn't as effective as going insane on someone and letting them sort through their own feelings. Just don't do us wrong though because we love with all that we are but when you cross us... Boy howdy you better be getting ready for WAR. I love him but this just took it too far. I feel like I have turned 73 cheeks to him to keep getting slapped. I think I have forgiven him and helped him even when he has done me wrong (thought I probably haven't done it right). But I am not going to be a doormat that he can use as the butt of every joke with his friends. I won't take his rumors quietly.What's more is that he wants me to meet his friends. That was before he informed me that he has been spreading rumors so that I now seem like some terrible, awful, evil, mean sister. I ain't meeting his friends just so that they can have dinner conversation about how I seem compared with Brother's account of me. That just ain't gonna happen!

The struggles of college and siblings...

More on the roommate front later. Actually, I hope to inform y'all about it tomorrow.

Goin' Out With My Boots On

Well, I went out last night, with my boots on. Unfortunately, they are not Western boots not work boots (like in the song). They were just plain, black boots. But I went out last night with a bunch of my friends from last year. We were celebrating one of their birthdays and so we all met at a brewery. No, none of us are old enough to drink, but they have really good food and they make their own cream soda and root beer which, I was told, is delicious. Normally, when I go out with a large group of friends, I sit at end, but not at the foot or head of the table. Last night I sat smack dab in the middle and had so much fun! I don't think I've laughed so hard in months. Plus, they understand me. They know my quirks, they get excited when I get excited about something I'm sharing, and they understand my weird story telling, and they love me anyway. They also know that I don't like gossiping so they refrain from in even though there was some drama last night between my guy friends and the girl that used to like one of them. I've told you about it. The girl showed up at dinner and the boys came and I was scared she hadn't gotten invited. Then I was scared that it would be awkward. I didn't feel the tension, but I may have just been so happy to see everyone I didn't pay attention. Whatever, we got through the night.

Long story short, I prayed for more friends. G-d gave me a night out with my old friends. I feel much better now.

Also, I have a Pharm test today. I've been studying here and there all week, but still don't think I've really gotten anywhere. Oy, this is frustrating. It seems like I do so much work, but then I don't know any of the material or drugs. Then I take the test and get bad grades but I don't know how to get better grades. I have to bring up my Pharm and Patho grades because I am scared I'm going to flunk out of this program in the first semester. I wouldn't be able to handle myself if I did.

Well, I had been feeling like I was finally getting this nursing school thing down, I don't anymore. I was thinking that my feelings of overwhelming, impending doom was barreling towards me were beginning to go away. They aren't, I had just misplaced them but have recently rediscovered that they have gotten stronger. My episodes of random "bad" days where nothing really goes wrong but it all feels bad, were subsiding. Those, too, have come back in full force. Ugh! How do I go on in school if I can hardly make it through each day? Should I go talk to my professors? Can/will they even help?

I guess I will go talk to them. Even if it doesn't help, at least I will go down fighting.

I still need more friends and more nights like last night.


In other news, I got to palpate edema in my friends legs because she had been standing all day (she is the friend I met in the dorms last year who is now in the nursing program with me. We're pretty tight now.) I also got to help our waitress who has an ear infection and my friends introduced me and the other nursing student as nursing students last night. It was a pretty proud moment even though I still don't "feel" like a student nurse. So, that was the cherry on top of last nights momentary bliss.

Frustrations of Rooming with Your Brother

This year, while at college, my brother and I decided to live in an apartment together. Wise idea? It seemed like it at the time, but it's turning out to be more difficult than I expected. We are constantly "stepping on each other's toes" because he is trying to figure out how to be an adult living on his own (away from parents) while I am further maturing from my year alone last year. Needless to say, he thinks I'm bossy and I find him to be showing signs of a VERY immature prefrontal cortex. He thinks he needs a motorcycle, he assumes that I don't need to be picked up at a certain time, he makes me late for class, he wouldn't listen to me about getting a schedule that is more condusive to my schedule because we are sharing a parking pass, and he is quite certain that he is right about everything and calls me condescending a lot. Yes, I have days where I think I'm right all the time, but it's because I am right. ;) If I'm wrong then I admit to it.

What brought this rage on today? I got to wait outside for him for over an hour even though I only have an hour to go home, eat a little something, then come back to school for BHA lab after grabbing my equipment and changing. What did he decide to do today? Go to the mall. He works there, so he went to go talk to his manager, but it's 20 minutes away (when there is no traffic). He texted me, during class, asking when I get out. I told him 12.

At 12:07, I get a text asking, "So you're going to the library to study right?" Where did he ever get that from?! I never told him that and he admitted  that I never told him that. I told him I needed to be picked up and he said he would be right there.

At 12:31 he texts me saying that he is just now leaving. Ya, I thought he already had. Remaining calm, I text him "ok." 12:56 he pulls up. I jump in and he says a quick, insincere sorry, and we rush off towards home.

1:07 I get into class. I'm late but today the instructor wasn't in lab because we were doing our midterms so she was in the sim lab with students. I was livid and flustered all during lab because of that nonsense. I didn't yell at him, though I wanted to. He asked if I was mad because I'm hardly ever stone-cold quiet, especially when I'm mad, but I just said, "Let's talk about it after I get home from class." That scared him. He said that made him nervous and it made the whole situation worse, I'm assuming it made him just feel worse because it didn't make him angry. Goal accomplished with that!

I think doing this quiet thing when I'm mad is going to be my new thing. I don't smile at jokes, I use short and bland responses, and I make the other person wait several hours for me to "cool off" before we discuss what happened and how to fix it. Sometimes it's just nice to scare someone so that they think twice before doing stupid things again. Yep, this will be my new thing.

Also, I got 100% on my midterm for BHA! Unfortunately, it only goes into the gradebook as a pass/fail... But it's nice to finally get a good grade (my first and likely last) in nursing school. I was so happy I almost hugged my professor. She probably would have been alright with that, but we stuck with a high-five instead. I think I'll frame it and possibly post a pic later.

While I was in the sim lab doing my midterm, my classmates took a hilarious photo of one of them giving birth!!! Gosh, I'm so sad I missed it because 1) it's hilarious, 2) I want a picture in my whites because I think they are adorable, 3) I just want to have fun but I always seem to miss it! Oh well, maybe another time?

Daily Thanksgiving: I didn't yell at my brother and I discovered a more effective way to scare him and get my point across. I got to wear my whites! I got 100% on something in nursing school. I made it through another day which is all I can hope for anymore. I got to go to the mall with my friend.

In other news, I don't think the St. John's Wort is helping or working. My overwhelming feelings of dread, anxiety, helplessness, and desire to quit everything and climb into a hole are slightly better, but it's still a battle every day. Maybe I'm getting burnt out? I don't know.

I went to the mall with my friend over the weekend to get our make-up done and to spend some time with her. It was nice to finally be able to talk to someone and tell them this new thing with me actually finding guys attractive and to be able to vent about how inconvenient it is. That didn't seem to help because then we just started talking about dream dates, what we think we need/want in guys, and how our past crushes didn't fit that. Also, I talked her through a friend break up. This is a bit of a long story, but this girl friend is the one who I was super close with last year. She and I were really close with the two guy friends (one of them liked me and she was crushing on the other one pretty hard.) So, she and the guy that liked me would talk about me and the guy she liked. Does this make sense so far? Anyway, the guys decided that they didn't want to hang out with her anymore recently, because they are being silly. So, she was trying to get to the bottom of it. They were being frightfully rude and hurtful, and the two guys "friend broke-up" with my girl friend. I am still friends with all three. Still, friend drama stresses me out like nobody's business!!!

I decided retail therapy would help me so I went and dropped $100 at Target getting things I "needed" and then buyer's remorse hit me like a semi when I walked in my door. Typical me. I need a stress outlet because I keep making foolish decisions and I'm constantly overwhelmed...

C'est la vie, non?

Boundaries

Recently, I got yelled at over email because I told my former roommate (that I was going to room with next year too) that I could not live with her. I know that I did not handle the whole situation the way I was supposed to, but I had planned to talk to her in person. I asked her to let me know when she was leaving so that I could talk to her before we both left school for the summer, but she didn't so I had to email her. This was probably actually a blessing because I don't think I could have handled it very well. So, that was a blessing that she did not let me know when she was leaving. However, the email I received made me cry.

Fortunately, G-d showed me all the true colors of my former roommate before I signed a lease to stay with her for another year. She revealed how she really feels about me and I am pretty sure I was going to be used instead of in a partnership. Plus, it turns out that she had been the one spreading rumors that caused the problems last semester for me with my other roommates which has now blown up. However, G-d has brought me more friends than I ever expected. All of the people that they stopped talking to now talk to me and we have a huge group of friends.

Through all of this, I kept having this thought of, "what's wrong with me that I keep finding people that use me and people that hate me?" The last year I have been pestered by this awful thought but it is not true, it if from the Adversary. If people are going to be unhappy with the way that I set my boundaries and the fact that I will no longer bend over backwards for people that disrespect me time and time again, then they will have to talk with G-d about it.  She had continually put me down and talked about me poorly behind my back. The last stick of straw that broke my back was the fact that my other former roommates did something right in front of her and she didn't stick up for me. If we are going to live together and trust each other essentially with our lives, we need to stick up for each other and defend each other. Long story short, my tears today are now stopped and I have a strengthened resolve to stick up for myself because I can't depend on anyone to stick up for me if I don't do it for myself.

So, for everyone that reads my rantings and ravings about life and nursing school, please set boundaries for yourself. Teach people how to treat you and don't back down. Talk with G-d to see what boundaries you need to set up for yourself and ask Him to teach you how to enforce them in a loving and kind way. My boundaries are set by me and G-d and if they are challenged by other people, I will talk to G-d and see if I need to be changed. I will talk with my mentors and my parents to figure out what I need to change or if I even need to change. You should also find mentors that love you enough to tell you the truth with what they believe is best for you, based on sound, Biblically sound advice.

Dating Drama

No, this is not another rant about my current dilemma in the pre-dating phase of my life, this is about a very dear friend of mine. Its about my friends B, P, and Z (P = my guy friend who likes me, B = P's roommate, Z = my close girl friend who is in cahoots with P). Does it feel like algebra again?

Anyway, Z has (had) a crush on B while P had a crush on me. So, P and Z decided to form an alliance and take B and I down. Why? I don't know. Currently I have a theory that there are too many pheromones and hormones going around and since it's spring, people begin to look for mates... This is likely not the case, but that's what I'm sticking with because for girls and guys around the nation, last week sucked in the dating world (at least in my group of friends which includes many more than just these three people).

So, Z had my guy friend (P) ask B if he liked Z or not. Z and P were assuming he had no idea of what was going on, like they assumed I had no idea what was going on. But B had a hunch that she was into him, but he did not "feel" the same way about her. Now my friends heart is broken, but she is taking it like a champ. B probably does not know that Z knows because P told him that Z did not know. For now, everyone is acting like nothing happened. Meanwhile, I don't know what to do. I think B probably doesn't either. Knowing all that has gone on behind the scenes of Z and B, I wonder who knows about P and I. Also, I wonder what is going on and how big of a mess I'm really in because I am obviously only aware of the tip of this iceberg, like B is only aware of the smallest little bit of his iceberg. I am quite convinced I'm going down like the Titanic... Poor B, I just don't like that he is not aware of everything going on because I don't like not knowing all that is going on. Maybe he doesn't care, but I have a feeling he knows more than anyone else knows because I know more than I am supposed to know about my ordeal.

I'm going to need a therapist after this.

At least I am learning about my vast amount of shortcomings when it comes to being a human that, unfortunately, has to interact with other humans that occasionally develop crushes. If more people knew the science behind attraction, would there be less romantic relationships and therefore less unnecessary heartbreak? This science is fascinating to me because it explains all that I cannot understand about other because I have not really been the type of girl to think a guy is "hot" or anything like that. I have never had a boyfriend, and at this point don't really want one (at least for a few more years) but I may never want one. But the explanations and science behind dating, attraction, kissing, etc. is so fascinating and I know what's going on in P. If he knew, then it probably wouldn't be the same because he may chalk it up to pheromones and hormones like I am...

I need to do more research because research is comforting to me. I'll let you guys know what I find. In the meantime, enjoy some facts about kissing (also part of my reasons to not kiss anyone until I kiss my husband on my wedding day):

• Prostitutes do not kiss their clients because it leads to feelings of attachment
• When you kiss someone, hormones are transferred between the two people (especially testosterone and oxytocin - which you likely know leads to feelings of attachment)
• It uses a bunch of muscles in your face which may keep you looking younger
• Kissing burns calories, but not a huge amount

There are others, but I can't remember them. Just Google it and you'll get millions of hits!