Acceptance

Turns out Country Boy was cremated, but then buried. So, when I went right after his death in 2014, I could have visited him. However, they told me he had just gotten cremated and that they were sorry. Whatever, not a huge deal. Exfiance called again because I told him he didn't have a grave. Turns out he does. His ashes were buried near his dad's and the rest of his family that had passed away already.

When I called to see where he was, the lady told me to come into the office when I arrived and she would give me a map. So I went in and got the map. I wondered around in the area he was supposed to be for nearly 20 minutes and couldn't find him. So, I sat at an unmarked plot wondering if he had a headstone because they hadn't gotten one for his dad for about a year after he died because the wife just couldn't handle making it that official. After sitting for another 15 minutes and feeling stupid because my mind was wondering and wondering how they buried couples... I decided I should leave. As I was walking back to my car, I looked down and finally found his headstone.

It wasn't where I was told to go, the map kinda lied. As soon as I saw it my stomach dropped and tears flooded my eyes. I sat at his grave for over an hour thinking about him, his dad, his mom and sister who were now left with no guys from their family. I yelled at him for leaving me and not taking me with him. I told him we could have gone together if he would have taken me for a car ride. I apologized to him for being mean and I apologized because I believe I may have said the last thing that caused him to go over the edge and finally go through with it.

I was supposed to have hung out with him a couple days before he died but I cancelled because my other friends cancelled on me and I was "going out" with Best Friend at the time but didn't want to tell Country Boy. So, when CB asked if I wanted to hang out since I was cancelled on, I said "no thanks". That was it. That was the last time I talked to him and he died a few days later. I know he was struggling with his dad being gone and he seemed to have severe depression. He had moved out of his mom's house because of too many memories of his dad. He moved out to where my uncle and Exboyfriend live (also where exfiance lives, coincidentally enough) with his aunt and uncle because he loved the country. Well, that was it.

I had wanted to text him those few days and I had urges to, but I never did because he usually ignored my texts when I texted first. I don't know if he didn't want to talk to me, he was trying to make it seem like he was busy, or if he really was busy. I spent so many months waiting for him to text me. He would contact me, talk with me for a couple days, then go completely radio silent for several weeks. That was hard for me to live with. I was sick of getting my hopes up and checking my phone every 5 seconds because I was waiting for him to talk to me again. However, I should have texted him those days. I was waiting for his birthday. I found out a week after my 20th birthday and a few days before his that he died. Nobody told me, I just found his obituary online.

I told exfiance (Jacob) that he was not allowed to tell me that being sad that CB died was selfish. I'm allowed to be angry and sad and cry because I am grieving still. It's been almost two years and I still think about him almost every day. I still see him in the faces of a lot of actors and people I run into on a daily basis. I see his truck occasionally and I remember him when I do some of the stuff he used to like to do. Jacob finally told me okay that I'm allowed to cry and I guess he didn't realize I blamed myself (I didn't need his permission but he needs to not tell people how to feel!). I talked with him last night and told him the story at the beginning of this post. I thought I had told him all this but he said he didn't know before that I blamed myself. After that he understood why I'm angry and sad and cry so much. He said I should be understanding about why the kid killed himself, but I told him that I'm going to feel how I feel. I understand he was going through rough stuff and had depression before but it was getting worse now that his dad had died unexpectedly, but I'm sure there was much more going on. I'm not apologizing for that anymore and I'm not pushing it away so that I can be strong for other people. Now it's my time to sort out my head because there is too much all mixed up in there right now.

The hour I spent at CB's grave was good. It was healing. I felt stuff that I haven't felt in a long time and I was able to cry. I don't know why, but I've been needing to very for a long time but the tears won't come. I feel so numb and just there but not present. It's weird to me to want to cry and also weird that I cannot. Yesterday I did. I yelled and apologized and just sat in remembrance. I also said sorry for not coming sooner. Someone left a cigarette on his grave. It was unlit so I know it was on purpose. I know he wouldn't want flowers so a cigarette made a lot of sense. He wasn't even 20 yet. I have a feeling I'll probably go there a lot in the next few months when I need a place to think. I used to drive up into the woods and think of him often, but it somehow feels better to imagine him being there and able to hear me.

I had this thought about a song I haven't heard since I was a child. Since I was so little, I knew it was a sad song but I never understood it. At the grave I just had "Whiskey Lullaby" playing over and over in my head. Why is it helping me feel better? I have no clue. I have played it nearly a hundred times since the visit and it helps me more and more each time.

"Whiskey Lullaby"

She put him out like the burnin' end of a midnight cigarette
She broke his heart he spent his whole life tryin' to forget
We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time
But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind
Until the night

[1st Chorus]
He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away her memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees
We found him with his face down in the pillow
With a note that said I'll love her till I die
And when we buried him beneath the willow
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby

(Sing lullaby)

The rumors flew but nobody knew how much she blamed herself
For years and years she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath
She finally drank her pain away a little at a time
But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind
Until the night

[2nd Chorus]
She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away his memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength she had to get up off her knees
We found her with her face down in the pillow
Clinging to his picture for dear life
We laid her next to him beneath the willow
While the angels sang a whiskey lullaby

I don't know why I keep getting songs popping up in my head. I don't know if the L-rd is putting them there or if my brain is making connections or spazzing out or what. But these songs are helping me little by little.

Homecoming Weekend

This is my second post of the day because I had quite a busy weekend.

It started off freezing cold because apparently the place I live can't smoothly transition between seasons, it just kind of kicks in and out for awhile until people get used to it and then it starts changing again. So, we were supposed to go ride horses but ended up calling that off to stay home and bake some delicious zucchini bread and brownies. Dude, my roommate can bake and cook like a pro! Maybe I could learn how to cook well for my future husband (hopefully a cowboy but we'll see...)

Then we watched a movie. By we I mean her while I fell asleep on the couch because I had worked the night before. I got about 30 minutes in before my 12-year-old cousin came home from school. He lives across the street from her, but really he kinda lives at her house too because that kid is so social! My dad and his two brothers all got that social gene and passed it to their sons, but I got none of it. Seriously, I am about as social as a cactus.

Then it was time for the high school volleyball game! I miss playing volleyball even though I wasn't super great at it. This high school was the one my dad and his brothers went to. Well, technically, they tore his down a couple of years ago and built a new one, but some of his teachers still work there. It's weird going places that my dad and grandparents used to go and feeling that sense of past, but not actually being able to have that as my past too. Since I can't go back in time, I figure I will just live vicariously through my cousins and Roommate's cousins as they go through high school there. I can't experience everything, but I'm starting to get a taste of what my dad got to do.

Later we went to a bonfire and the football game was the next day. It was so fun! The more I go out there, the more jealous I get that I wasn't able to grow up out there where my cousins get to live and experience because they get the life that my grandparents and uncles got and especially what my dad got.

On the plus side, I got to chill with my two uncles a whole bunch this weekend and even got to drive on of my uncle's trucks in the town parade! Ya, it was pretty cool.

Just before coming back home to the city we had to go round up a steer that had gotten loose. He managed to get into a field with a a whole bunch of other cows and a bull. Dude, I tore my jeans-my only pair of jeans and they were actually really cute and sparkly on the pockets-climbing over the barbed wire, electric fence. Then we had to walk around the whole herd to get them into a smaller pen in order to then trailer the single steer because he was a little crazy and doesn't like doing anything alone. The bull I mentioned before was staring me down the whole time. My Roommate and her cousin warned me to try to run if he started charging at me, but that did little to calm my nerves at being sized up by a huge animal with loads of testosterone and a couple of horns! Due to the way guys work, we ended up working harder than we should have because they refused to listen to us girls and also did not fully think the whole plan through before implementing it. Needless to say, we finally got the steer separated and life went on.

Now I really want cattle. I wanted cattle before, but now I need them just like I now need  horses and goats and sheep and chickens and every other type of animal I can get my hands on. Hopefully someday I can get some land, critters, and a cowboy who actually can teach me how to care for such animals. Until then, I will take all the exposure I can get with them. I pray I do not find myself on the business end of a bulls horns though, I don't need that much experience.

"Proof That Every Country Song Was Exactly The Same In 2013"

This is a post I found on Facebook from a singer/songwriter I follow. I think it's pretty funny because it's pretty accurate and I LOVE country music. The only thing is: they keep showing the same 5 artists and don't venture out to the hundreds of others that are out there, so it will naturally talk about the same things. Plus, life in small towns revolve around girls in tight jeans (I'm not proud of that), alcohol, trucks, calling girls "girl", dirt roads, and rivers/ponds. That is country life in a nutshell + farming. But, it makes there point and it got me laughing!

Check it out here.

It's also on my Pinterest feed.

My Simple Dream

In an effort to be totally real with y'all, so that you know that everyone struggles with silly stuff, I want to confess something to you guys. I keep coming up with situations that seem fun in my head or ideas of the type of guy I want and somehow I turn them into a type of prayer that is really more of my telling G-d a laundry list of things I want. Recently, I have caught myself almost asking, "L-rd, is this too much to ask?" I don't really mean it, but it's gotten into my head somehow. Maybe I picked it up from some of the funny quotes I'm bombarded with everyday or perhaps it was sprinkled through Pinterest. Either way, I'm appalled at myself for ever even thinking to ask G-d this. All thing are possible through Him because He created ALL things. He could give me the things I think I want, but would that be a good idea? Probably not, that's why He hasn't given them to me. Or, maybe He is saving it for sometime in the future. I don't know which because I can't see to the end of my life and all that happens between now and then. Sometimes I wish I could, but it's probably best that I can't.

Lately, I've really been craving a good, down-home, proper, country bonfire. Now, my college tried to hold a "bonfire" to celebrate homecoming week. Nothing about it was right.

The bonfires I'm talkin' 'bout have music up on a flatbed trailer because that's the only right way to do it...

 

But, if you don't have buddies in a bad, a circle of trucks with their radios cranked on the same station will do...

You gotta have beer (for those 21 and over)...








And you have to have loads of people surrounding the main even, a large pile of fire. Yes, fire can be in a pile, just trust me on this one...

These are just the necessities! You also typically need some fun guys and gals. Some down-to-earth country boys are usually the best fit because they worked hard all day/week and are ready for some fun!

Add in a tractor pulling a little trailer outfitted with some benches of straw/hay and you got yourself the best hangout you could imagine...

There may be some swimmin', and that includes skinny dipping, but I don't roll that way because I just don't. I can't even wear a tank top with my closest gal pals, how am I supposed to take off everything but my birthday suit or skivvy's to go swimming in some leech infested, stagnant water? No thank you! I will go in broad daylight wearing my nun's outfit of a "bathing suit" and that'll do me.

Guns may be brought out before the sun sets all the way and before people are completely plastered just to blow some steam and get some good chemicals (oxytocin, my favorite hormone, among others) pumpin' through everyone's veins...

Most of all, bonfires are just about kickin' back, chillin' and having a good time with your friends after a lot of work and likely a lot of stress. I haven't been to a bonfire, let alone a good bonfire since I was a kid. I couldn't drink at those either, because I was a child (probably 10 and under), but I sure did have a good time anyway! All of us kids, meaning me (the only girl) and all the boys (around 5-10), would run around lighting fire crackers, roasting marshmallows, and doing everything that was frowned upon in "normal" life. Normal life simply means the city life full of suburbs, people everywhere telling me what to do, and nobody having similar views on the way life should be handled. Those weekends were like family reunions and happened nearly every other weekend. Those people are my family especially because we don't talk to my mom's family and we aren't super close with my dad's side either. But we were so close with that huge group of friends that were closer and more connected and committed than our biological family. I miss that.




Another confession is that I have been craving a beer or some type of alcohol all week. I know that it will not necessarily make life more fun. Also, it's not good to "self medicate" with mood altering drugs. Not to mention, I'm only 19 and have never had a drink before, but I'm getting this craving for beer again. The Bible says: "There is nothing better for a person than that he should eat and drink and find enjoyment in his toil. This also, I saw, is from the hand of God" (Ecclesiastes 2:24). But, I'm also supposed to follow the law because G-d said so. I doubt that I would/will ever get plastered, but I just want some kind of fun in my life! Alcohol never seemed like it would be fun or worth it until this summer at about the same time that boys suddenly became attractive. Dagnabbit! (That is how you spell it. It is a word. Well, where I come from it's a word.) What kind of trauma did I incur that I now want to drink a little bit, go to bonfire parties, have a boyfriend, and actually find boys cute!?!

Haha, I told my friend that I never used to think guys were cute until sometime this summer and she informed me that it happened suddenly to her too... somewhere in middle school... at the beginning of puberty. I'm not convinced that I may be slightly academically developed, thought I'm certainly still working on that, but I am severely developmentally delayed. I'm in college and just now starting to think guys are cute. What is going on?!

IT Job Has Never Been Better

So, are y'all familiar with my sudden realization of guys that happened this summer? Well, if not, I have been living life so simply, not understanding what my girl friends meant when they thoughts guys were cute. For the first 19 years of my life, I was gloriously ignorant of male beauty. *Note, I do not objectify them, I just appreciate their dark eyes and the fact that they seem to be down to earth.* Anyway, I must have hit my head or something this summer because now I'm seeing guys I think are cute EVERYWHERE!

*I just thought this picture was funny. It has hardly anything to do with the following post besides mentioning country boys...*

Folks, this is a huge inconvenience. It gets really bad when I'm at my IT job (which is sitting in the library until a student has a question) when I should be studying, but I start watching these handsome guys walking by and I get absolutely nothing done all day.

So, today at work I must have had 3-5 guys come and ask for my help. Well, they had minor problems and I didn't even have to leave my desk to help them. Regardless, they were stinkin' cute and they were wearing Carhartt, Wranglers, and camo to boot! They were also wearing boots but I figured that went without saying. They smiled at me and talked to me like I knew what I was doing and they said please and thank you. I know these are simple things, but this is getting bad. For some reason, I find myself really attracted to country boys. I'm fairly country myself, but there are more to boys than their dress. However, most guys don't dare roll with the country fashion if they aren't actually country boys. Now, this is becoming a more popular "style" but us girls can see straight through them silly city boys.

I'm kinda stereotyping here, but all the boys I've met from the country tend to be well-mannered, polite, kind, and most are not players (minus Country Boy). I'm sure I'm wrong on some of these accounts, but they are my kind of people. I need some mud on my shoes, red dirt decorating my car, and people who know how to hunt/fish/have a proper bonfire! One last thing: SWEET TEA! I need others who can make it right and who like it. I've found so many people who don't like it and I die a little inside each time they say that.

This is just because I found it cute and wanted pictures in this post:

Moral of story: I think my hormones have finally reached my brain, and I mean that in the least technical sense possible because I know that's not how hormones work. Also, being a girl has become hugely inconvenient because I can no longer just be this independent, single person who just so happens to be a girl, I am now learning about attraction. Ugh, somebody pray for me!

Jacked Up Trucks and Baseball Hats

Have y'all noticed that some really cute boys drive some really handsome trucks? I mean the really cool, jack up pick-up trucks with massive tires and CB antennas. They are so cool! The cute boys driving these real cool trucks also have some unique, but super attrative outfit choices. I'm talkin' baseball cap (camo or not), Carhartt jackets, muddy boots, Wranglers/Levi's and they typically sport some nice strong arms with beautiful veins.

I have found myself seeing trucks, of any sort, and straining my neck to see who was driving. A lot of the time there are guys who are considerably older than me and likely married. However, sometimes there are some real cuties cruisin' in them lifted trucks. When did this ever start? I should not be risking eye contact with the driver or a possible automobile crash just to attempt to peak at who's behind the wheel!

It's sad guys. I just want to have some cute boy think I'm cute, who loves Yeshua (Jesus) and wants to let me go muddin' with him and his friends and maybe he'll let me drive his truck (in a safe place, like a parking lot). I know, however, that G-d will let me find who I need at the right time. Until then, I need to find a way to get these country boys off my mind...

Let me tell you, studying is not helping AT ALL!!!

#2: Cabela's

For those of you who like the southern/country way of living, or if you like hunting/fishing/shooting/bows/etc, or if you like Duck Dynasty (because it's pretty much the best show EVER). Y'all need to find a Cabela's and go to it. I don't care how long you have to drive. I don't care if you have to get a passport to go see it. I don't care if the cheapest way to get there would be to fly a private jet, then take a taxi, then hitchhike. Get yourself on down to a Cabela's.

I was a kid in a candy shop! They had Duck Dynasty everything. They had pink everything. They also have a lot of really sweet guys that talked to me about guns and didn't act like I'm a fool for being a girl but wanting a shotgun, a hand gun, and several other hunting tools. As of yet, I still have not gone hunting. I simply need someone (preferably a cute boy) who likes it (and who is good at it, and who also hopefully likes me and knows me very well) to take me. Presently, I do not have such a person. Therefore, I must work on my gun collection now in order to prepare for such a wonderful guy. Plus, it is one of the few types of collections that allow for practical use, loads of fun, and also a means of foodstuffs. It's a wonderful collection/hobby. Plus, girls typically look super cool and gorgeous when they can protect themselves against any intruder and can also handle the burden of shooting and killing a living critter.

That's hard for me because I have been trying to nurse things back to health for so long. I used to be able to fish and bait the hook with worms with no problems. One summer, all of a sudden I could no longer stand the though of repeatedly stabbing those poor little helpless, innocent worms just to thrown them really fast through the air (on a hook) to then drown them while waiting for a fish to come and consume it. Then you have to deal with killing the fish in a painful fashion in order to reel it back towards you and then let it die slowly.

I used to be able to fish. That doesn't happen so much anymore.

What makes me think I can kill a beautiful, majestic deer or an elk? I don't know. But I want to be able to know that I can survive if I ever get lost in the woods. If I can't kill for food, I will die anyway. If I can't kill for protection (from cougars, and other scary animals) then I will die painfully myself anyway. There seems to be no winning. So, I have put it in my mind that I would like to learn to hunt in order to learn basic survival techniques in case I do ever get lost in the woods. It means leaving all of my nursing brain at home and finding a way to get my mind over causing harm to these incredible creatures.

Anyway, Cabela's is now one of my favorite stores in all of my history. Maybe one day, I can go back and actually spend money there for some of their cute clothes or on a pretty pink fishing pole or something. Someday, it will happen. Until then, I'm a happy girl.

#3: Flirting

I went to Cabela's last night with my mom. In the whole 30 minutes that we walked around that store, we must have had 7 guys (employees) come up and ask us if we needed help. Great customer service! I hate when you have to go seek out help and the employees don't want to talk to you and they seem rude. So, I was becoming more and more pleased with the store because they have cool stuff, great customer service, Duck Dynasty stuff is everywhere (and in pink versions too!!!), and the guys selling guns took me seriously when I talked about getting a gun. That never happens to me. Also, I had just gotten my hair done and my makeup was done, so I was looking fairly decent. That has not happened in several weeks (unless I'm going out). So, it was a great night.

As we were walking back to the car my mom says, "That guy was flirting with you."

Me: "No he wasn't, he was selling me on a gun."

Mom: "That's probably why we keep getting asked if we need help so often tonight. You are so cute!"

Me: "..."


Folks, hopefully you know me by now, but I am kind of good at school but my people skills are lacking. I don't even know what flirting is!

So, I asked my mom what flirting is, when we got back in the car. She didn't answer me. That gave me no choice. I needed an answer and decided to consult my favorite source: Google.

After several hours of research, I still have no idea what flirting is. There is no formula, there is no absolute sign, there is no light that says that someone is flirting or that they are just being helpful. Therefore my understanding of dating fundamentals is still -8239885628473204873. Yes, I made it a quantitative amount on a scale from 1-10. I am in the negatives and a pretty deep negative, if you ask me but I was being conservative.

I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT FLIRTING IS!!!

This sucks. People have been leaning over to me saying, "Oh, he's flirting with you!" or something to that effect. I blush because 1) it sounds dirty to me and 2) I am embarrassed that I don't know what it is and 3) I'm embarrassed that it is happening to me and they called me out on it.

What is flirting? How do guys do it? More importantly, how do I avoid doing it? Do you have any ways of knowing that it's happening? Is it more of a guesstimating thing to be able to "read" into what is flirtatious and what is just genuine kindness? Is it inconvenient/embarrassing/unnecessary for anyone else?

Am I the only one that has no idea of what's going on?

Pinterest Struggles...

It has consumed my time. It has made me dream of my future while also allowing me to show others what I fantasize it will be like. It has also stirred this desire for a beau. Old story with me, I know and I'm sorry.

Does anyone else get like this? I have no prospects, nor do I really know any eligible bachelors, let alone ones that have the same morals and boundaries as me, but I still find myself hoping that G-d will bring me someone... yesterday (aka right now; I never understood that saying until a few years ago but my mom had been using it since I was a little kid!).

I don't understand what's wrong with me! I used to be okay being independent, single, and focused on school. I didn't understand the attraction to boys and I was fine looking and acting like a boy. Now I walk down the halls, minding my own business, and there are cute boys everywhere. Maybe I'm just now hitting puberty? Perhaps G-d really will bring me someone. Maybe I'm just going nuts and should see a professional to get some meds. I don't know. Regardless, this nonsense has got to stop because I am having a rough time focusing on school. It's not really the fault of the general population of males, I guess it's my own fault for finally "seeing" them.

Pinterest has got some cute date ideas though! Also, I fit the country girl description to a T, except for the fact that my country born/raised father raised me up in the city. He still raised me a country girl, but I haven't had the pleasure of knowing everyone in town and being able to go to bonfires with my own friends. Don't get me wrong, I've been to plenty! But my dad is usually the one to start the bonfire party so I was supervised the whole time.

Oy, this is an issue. Life would be so much simpler if: I could just stay a tomboy, focus on school, remain satisfied single, not procrastinate, I had never found Pinterest, and if I could just not "see" silly boys as the handsome guys G-d made you to be...


Side note to guys: Y'all drive us nuts! You can lift 15x more than us girls. Your metabolisms are generally a LOT faster than ours so you can eat just about anything you want. Muscles look way better on you than they do on us. Baseball caps look amazing on you, especially when you're rocking Wranglers or Levi's and some slightly muddy cowboy boots. For some reason you guys know how to fix darn near everything from the washer to the car to the sprinkler system. Your faces look so darn cute with a bit of grease on it. Your sleepy voice, when it's especially deep and a bit scratchy is adorable. When your hair is mussed up it still looks good and I love how when a tall, broad shouldered boy makes me feel small and petite when I'm standin' next to him. Guys, I have heard a lot about how you like the little things us girls do, but the little things you do make us pretty doggone happy too. So, boys, don't underestimate how much we like you and all your male-ness. Let us girls jump in and have some fun too, though. Some of us like fixin' trucks, going muddin', lightin' stuff on fire (it makes my heart happy, but not when it's destructive/bad... just bonfires and stuff), fishin', and shootin'. Also, if you teach us how to watch/play football, you may just have a new football fan to scream at the t.v. with because, let's face it, us girls look pretty darn good in one of your over-sized jerseys.


I better go do my homework and get down on my knees to pray that G-d snap me out of this! It's like the Scotty McCreery song, "The Trouble With Girls," but I am starting to feel the same way about boys... It really seems like my friends already went through this stage in 5th or 6th grade. Here I am, almost 20, just now beginning this inconvenient journey.

Daily Thanksgiving: Today was long, but it was a fairly good day. Perhaps the St. John's Wort is working or maybe it's just a placebo effect. I'm not overly happy, but I'm not down in the dumps. Every day not spent at the bottom makes me think that I can survive and G-d will bring me through because I know He is the only one that can, and He will. I get to go to sleep! Also, I did my hair and my makeup and wore my favorite outfit. My friend said I looked pretty and that made me feel pretty good. I like compliments :)

All Day School

I forgot how tough it was to sit through class all day! I am taking a summer/interim course that condenses a whole semester into a week and I keep almost falling asleep in class because I get so bored. The internet doesn't even work in the class so I keep nodding off during lecture and it's nearly impossible to keep my eyes open. The morning is worse than the afternoon for some reason, but I'm now done with about 4-5 weeks (out of 15) of the course! I love these condensed courses. Just get it all done with all together so that I don't have to mess with it anymore when I have so many other classes during the normal semester.

If you have to option to take a condensed course or a semester course, do the condensed. It is tough and intense, but you study as you go and the teachers are usually more inclined to grade easier and have slightly easier tests because it is so much work in such a short time.

By the time I get home I'm exhausted, my brain is fried, I'm starving and I just want to veg. I was more productive today though! For all of you procrastinators out there, not procrastinating is actually easier than it seems. I came home, cooked, watched a little t.v., and then started studying. It's not that bad, you just have to eat some carbs (I like apples and peanut butter) for brain fuel, and then dig into studying! It's be over before you know it as long as you stay focused. I think my major problem staying focused was the fact that I usually eat the wrong things and then I want to snack the whole time I should be studying so I start munching. Before you know it, I have gained 10 pounds in a week because I should be studying for a test but I get bored ad begin to eat. So, eat carbs (brain food) and some protein with a little fiber (to keep you full) and study, study, study. It's really helped me, today anyway.

Now that I'm done, I'm kinda really want to go to the county fair with my guy friends. I think I'm a little low on testosterone... I can't fix that this week, though. I have a mid-term Wednesday and a final on Friday. This means you'll likely hear from me a whole lot this week, unless I can fix my procrastination/binge eating cycle... We'll see.

Daily Thanksgiving: I made it through the first day of class and I'm close to a quarter of the way done! My family reunion is on Saturday and I get to see my favorite people EVER in my favorite place! I am getting better with cutting down on procrastination. I get to go to sleep now.

On a completely random note, I was recently informed that I am introspective. I guess it makes sense. I don't really see it because I'm constantly listening to my own, non-ending thoughts. I had a revelation the other day, but I kinda forget it right now. Once I remember it and have it "well worded" (as good as it gets from me, anyway), I will share it with you. It will probably seem like common sense to you, but it was profoundly powerful when G-d gave me the revelation so maybe it can help someone.