Pinterest Struggles...

It has consumed my time. It has made me dream of my future while also allowing me to show others what I fantasize it will be like. It has also stirred this desire for a beau. Old story with me, I know and I'm sorry.

Does anyone else get like this? I have no prospects, nor do I really know any eligible bachelors, let alone ones that have the same morals and boundaries as me, but I still find myself hoping that G-d will bring me someone... yesterday (aka right now; I never understood that saying until a few years ago but my mom had been using it since I was a little kid!).

I don't understand what's wrong with me! I used to be okay being independent, single, and focused on school. I didn't understand the attraction to boys and I was fine looking and acting like a boy. Now I walk down the halls, minding my own business, and there are cute boys everywhere. Maybe I'm just now hitting puberty? Perhaps G-d really will bring me someone. Maybe I'm just going nuts and should see a professional to get some meds. I don't know. Regardless, this nonsense has got to stop because I am having a rough time focusing on school. It's not really the fault of the general population of males, I guess it's my own fault for finally "seeing" them.

Pinterest has got some cute date ideas though! Also, I fit the country girl description to a T, except for the fact that my country born/raised father raised me up in the city. He still raised me a country girl, but I haven't had the pleasure of knowing everyone in town and being able to go to bonfires with my own friends. Don't get me wrong, I've been to plenty! But my dad is usually the one to start the bonfire party so I was supervised the whole time.

Oy, this is an issue. Life would be so much simpler if: I could just stay a tomboy, focus on school, remain satisfied single, not procrastinate, I had never found Pinterest, and if I could just not "see" silly boys as the handsome guys G-d made you to be...


Side note to guys: Y'all drive us nuts! You can lift 15x more than us girls. Your metabolisms are generally a LOT faster than ours so you can eat just about anything you want. Muscles look way better on you than they do on us. Baseball caps look amazing on you, especially when you're rocking Wranglers or Levi's and some slightly muddy cowboy boots. For some reason you guys know how to fix darn near everything from the washer to the car to the sprinkler system. Your faces look so darn cute with a bit of grease on it. Your sleepy voice, when it's especially deep and a bit scratchy is adorable. When your hair is mussed up it still looks good and I love how when a tall, broad shouldered boy makes me feel small and petite when I'm standin' next to him. Guys, I have heard a lot about how you like the little things us girls do, but the little things you do make us pretty doggone happy too. So, boys, don't underestimate how much we like you and all your male-ness. Let us girls jump in and have some fun too, though. Some of us like fixin' trucks, going muddin', lightin' stuff on fire (it makes my heart happy, but not when it's destructive/bad... just bonfires and stuff), fishin', and shootin'. Also, if you teach us how to watch/play football, you may just have a new football fan to scream at the t.v. with because, let's face it, us girls look pretty darn good in one of your over-sized jerseys.


I better go do my homework and get down on my knees to pray that G-d snap me out of this! It's like the Scotty McCreery song, "The Trouble With Girls," but I am starting to feel the same way about boys... It really seems like my friends already went through this stage in 5th or 6th grade. Here I am, almost 20, just now beginning this inconvenient journey.

Daily Thanksgiving: Today was long, but it was a fairly good day. Perhaps the St. John's Wort is working or maybe it's just a placebo effect. I'm not overly happy, but I'm not down in the dumps. Every day not spent at the bottom makes me think that I can survive and G-d will bring me through because I know He is the only one that can, and He will. I get to go to sleep! Also, I did my hair and my makeup and wore my favorite outfit. My friend said I looked pretty and that made me feel pretty good. I like compliments :)

Out of Touch

I apologize to you all for being out of touch for so long. I am currently living with some friends in the country and I do not have access to internet until I come into town for class, which is only two nights a week.

So far, microbiology is a blast... I've only been through one class session and one lab though. Does it get tougher? My professor seems really smart and fairly, which is an excellent combination for me! I have already made friends in my class and in lab! It's crazy to think back to when I started college and my heart would race and I would get so anxious just seeing my school. Now, I am making pals in the first few minutes of being in class. Figuring out an entirely new, and very different campus, is very difficult though, let me tell you. I only got lost 4 times in the first 20 minutes of being here and I still don't know where to park. Fortunately, I had gotten to campus 3 hours before my class and wasn't late to lecture or lab.

I was talking with one of the ladies that I'm staying with though, and she asked why I didn't have a boyfriend. I explained it to her and she totally understood because her daughter has the same issue: we are focused exclusively on school right now. So, it was the first time that I had been reaffirmed-and not judged-for choosing to not be tethered to another human at this point in my life. What a breath of fresh air. Why do we even have to get married anyway? I know that it is all for reproducing, but is that the whole point of life? Surely this can't be it. It seems strange that life would simply occur just for people to get married, have children, and carry on human life. I know that we are here to give G-d glory, but I am still struggling with the purpose of everything. If we are just here to procreate, why go to school? School is only here to increase knowledge in order to give you a better chance of getting a job. You get a job to make money. You make money to support yourself and offspring (if you have them). So, what's the point of it all? Life is so simple, but in the midst of all this simplicity, everything gets so very complicated.

More to come later.

Daily Thanksgiving: I have wonderful friends to stay with. I enjoy my class and I am actually looking forward to all of the curriculum. The HESI is on Tuesday and so I am almost done stressing about getting into nursing school (for just a little bit).

The Funny Thing About Friends

You all probably know about my recent discovery/pre-relationship status with my guy friend. Well, he was in cahoots with a very close girl friend of mine and they were planning how and when to tell the people that they like (me and the guys roommate...) Anyway, since she was so close to my guy friend, they shared everything! She knew about him coming to talk to me before I had any clue that it would happen that day. Since they are thick as theives, she informed me today that the told his roommate and possibly others. I don't like knowing that people know something that I didn't know that they knew. (That just confused me too, just take it slow.) It's cool, his roommate is pretty cool and I'm pretty sure that my guy friend had to tell his roommate to bring up who the roommate likes so that my girl friend could be worked into the situation and an assessment of the roomies thoughts could be taken.

Still, if you know what is going on behind the scenes, I don't want to know because then it gets weird. It may only be weird for me, but I'm already super awkward and probably don't need anything else to make it worse.

With that said, I still love her to pieces because she is so stinkin' adorable!

End of Spiel... for now...

Super Great Day

First of all, my guy friend that I have a thing for, and he has a thing for me (recently verified by himself) got disclosed yesterday. Super scary, but so cute. He looked so nervous you don't even know, but it was adorable! He said he didn't care what happened either way, if I liked him back or not because he knew of my past and how bad it hurts me when guy friends ask me out and then stop talking to me when I don't reciprocate. So he went on to say that nothing would change if I didn't "feel" the same way about him. Then he said that he kinda sorta likes me... a lot. (He said it just like that.) But he was so nervous and anxious and scared. Then, being the awkward person I am, I gave him a hug and changed the subject... I know! He must have been dying inside. Not to worry though, he had the courage to bring it up once, so he just brought it up again later that night. That's when I told him that I'm diggin' him too, but I'm just not ready to date yet. So, we are now in a pre-dating phase that I had no idea existed, but there is so much about people I had no clue about. Science and algebra are my niche, people are way too far outside of my line of understanding. Even science is starting to become more difficult (A&P) and so my world is slipping away!

Today, I had an awesome day at work! I was paired with a CNA that is notorious for being super rude and mean to new girls, but I had no problem with her. I also cut the time I take to give someone a shower in half from 30 mins to 15 mins! I toiletted almost as many people as her and we were two hours ahead so I got to color with my residents while we were waiting for the next group of CNA's to come in. Plus, my LPN was so ridiculously sweet today and the CNA on the adjoining floor kept asking if I was okay and if I needed help. I am starting to make friends! Likely it is out of pity right now, but that's cool because someday I will be able to help new girls get on their feet in this very difficult job atmosphere.

Daily Thanksgiving: G-d blessed me with an amazing day at work when I was expecting a really rough day. I was paired with a sweet LPN and the CNA was gracious to me. No more stressing about this relationship with my guy friend, for right now anyway, because he had the courage to come out and ask me about it. He asked me even though he knows I hate talking about "feelings" and mushy, gross, heart stuff (not the anatomy heart, because anatomy and cadavers I can do, ironically enough). We were ahead at work and I get to go sleep. Also, I just got back from a very productive 2.5 hour study session with a good friend of mine, who just happens to have the same schedule as me (except for a lab because I change mine, but I didn't know her when I made my schedule, it's crazy). Anyway, she is a great teacher and we are praying that we do well on our crazy amount of tests and other huge assignments that we have this week. Oh, and she is thinking about moving in with me next year!!! So many good things going on.

My cup runneth over...

My heart is super happy...

A Girl's Advice to Guys

Since you do not know me, and I do not know you, I am spilling my thoughts out onto "paper" (the internet) and I am being completely honest here. I do not understand attraction in the sense my peers and most everyone on this earth understands it. When I see a guy my friends thinks is "hot", I am not able to see it. I do not understand this beauty they obviously find in this persons appearance. When I have crushes, it is because I know the guy, have spent loads of time with him and now sense that he would somehow better my life if we were dating. I have never had a boyfriend though, but I am not upset about that. Though I am eighteen and never dated anyone, I do not think I have missed out on anything. For those of you who date, I am not apposed to dating. I just believe that knowing who I am without anyone else is good for me personally, but we are all living very different lives and G-d has different plans for us all.

With that said, the only aspect of beauty I understand is the mental and physiological processes behind being attracted to someone. These processes are fascinating to me! The fact that your pupils dilate, you release pheromones, and your sympathetic nervous system kicks in is all interesting because it is all based on a thought or sight of someone. And that someone you are attracted to often is able to subconsciously be aware that you are attracted to them because of the pheromones they pick up, and their brain recognizes that your pupils are dilated and a whole bunch of other stuff. It is also interesting that someone who is thought to be beautiful commonly has a certain type of facial symmetry that most people are able to understand and think is attractive. Why do I not have this? I am not sure, but I believe G-d has spared me from the problems that surely would have arisen for me from this. I believe He is protecting my heart from constant damage that crushes used to cause for me.

Why have I never dated anyone? It's not as though I have never had offers, I just declined them. There are actually two main stories that I will remember for a very long time. The first is about my best friend in grades six through eight. We did so much together and our siblings were the same age so they hung out a lot too and actually started dating for awhile. One night we were texting late at night, and he asked me if I liked him. First of all, I thought a rumor was going around that I had a crush on him, so I quickly denied that I did. Instead, I told him I like him as a friend and he was my best friend. After a very long break in the conversation, I asked him why he had asked me that. He revealed that he liked me as more than a friend. I didn't respond. That's how I lost my best friend. He stopped talking to me for a few months when I needed him the most because some of the girls at school were not being very nice and I was struggling with life so bad. He just got married a year ago, even though he and his wife were still in high school. They also just had a baby a couple weeks ago but they did it right, "first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage." It just sucks because he was one of the people I was closest to, but I had to find out about his marriage and child through Facebook when his sister posted pictures. It breaks my heart to think about him, but I am glad I did not date him because it would have truly broken me.

The other story is similar but quite different. I met this boy at shul (it's like church, but we call it congregation or shul) and he started texting me after we had known each other for a few months. He would text me all the time just asking me about life, so I would return the conversation and ask him about stuff in his life. This went on for a solid month or two. However, when we would see each other on Saturdays at shul, he would hardly talk to me, but he would be always fairly close by, at least within sight of me. One day, he texted me asking if I liked him. Now knowing how this worked from four years prior, I said, "I suppose so". Our conversations got more frequent, which I did not know was possible because it was a 24/7 thing anyway, but he found a way to text me more and with increasingly more uncomfortable texts. They weren't dirty, but just not conversations that I would normally have with girls much less some guy at shul! After another month of texting and the awkward encounters at shul, he asked me again if I liked him because he "hated" my ambiguous answer. Ya, he said that (in a text). Now, if you are a guy out there, DO NOT do this when asking a girl out or about her "feelings". Currently slightly aggravated, but masking the anger, I replied that I did not know. This did not stop this pressure he was putting on me, it just made it worse. After a day or so I finally answered him and told him about my best friend and why I would not and could not answer him. This led to nearly six months of awkwardness in a very small congregation (and our moms had a fight or two along the way, not about us, but it was weird)... At the end of this spell, he asked me to prom! What? We were hardly able to stand being in the same room because I was ashamed of some of the stuff he had said to me and I don't know what his deal was, but he asked me to prom just up and out of the blue. But I went and it was so weird. Just the two of us at dinner, he did not introduce me to any of his friends I just stood there with him as he talked. Then he wouldn't stay with his friends, he kept making sure it was just the two of us dancing, or talking or whatever. But he didn't talk much. Oh goodness, I was not super thrilled. I was glad to go and see what prom was about, but I will never go to anything like that again unless I am with a big group of friends or with my husband. Period.

Note to guys: DO NOT text girls if you are trying to pursue them in a dating relations ship!!! There is a saying, do not text a girls heart. Ya, don't do it. If you want to date a girl, do all the cute stuff we love. Hang out with us, get to know who we are and what we like to do, share about yourself, build a friendship with us and be awkward (don't try to be awkward, just let it happen because it is bound to happen, but we adore you for it!). Think of creative ways to celebrate our birthdays and allow us to show you ourselves with our friends present too. We want friendships with our future husbands and that is the reason for dating right? If, by the time you are our friend, you then begin to share your "feeling" and good intentions, and if you live the way we would like our husband to live, then there is a good chance you will have yourself the start of a beautiful relationship that could last the rest of your life with her. But be present in life, not just on the phone. (Being with us in person also allows for the pheromones to actually work and for you to see our dilated pupils and our blushing! Trust me, it is worth it to see her attracted to you.)

Note to girls: if a guy is carrying on a "clean" conversation with you in text or in person, but you are not comfortable with the content, do not be afraid to change the subject. If he still persists, he may need a clearer message and you should ask him to not talk about you or to you in such a manner. I wish I would have done this because you are not just protecting yourself, you are also allowing him to learn how to treat the next girl he may have a crush on. Help your sisters out and let's learn to respect and teach respect to each other (this goes for guys too).

My goodness, this is a long post, but I think it is important information that I was never taught but I think everyone needs to know these things. So please forgive me for my soapbox speech, but there may be more to come.

My thanksgiving for the day! I am thankful for the new friends I have made since moving out of my previous dorm room. I now have to be more self-reliant and I have to search people out more also because I am all alone in this room. That means no one to go to meals with, unless I text or plan with others. However, I have made some great, true friends that are helping this transition to be much easier. I am so blessed to have gotten a new room and so many friends surrounding me, supporting me and encouraging me through school and this new difficulty of dealing with upset former roommates. G-d has given me new people's company to enjoy, and also new people to impress with Yeshua's (Jesus') love. I am one very blessed girl!